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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Changed (was The Rift) - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Changed (was The Rift) - 7WC  (currently 4251 views)
CoopBazinga
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from darrentomalin
It was intentional to have some familiar tropes in there.  With future re-writes I hope to inject something new into them.  ANy suggestions?


Let me think about it, hard to think away from the trusted formula, hence your problem.


Quoted from darrentomalin
It is explained when Warner is revealed to have been transformed also.  He had a thing for Anna and when she puzzles over why it tried to protect her, this foreshadows that reveal.


I apoligize, must have missed it but more reason to make it clearer for the reader.


Quoted from darrentomalin
No, it needs to be shown to be unused, abandoned to set up the fact the team are out here alone. Coule be in the action though I suppose. I thought you were asking for detail lol.


Always looking for detail, buddy. I get what you're saying and it's a fair point "deserted" being the emphatized word here and feel you could accomplish this in the action. Why not make Anna feel alone, exposed, deserted. Some reaction from her to set this scene.


Quoted from darrentomalin
I heard my nurse and my doctor say it like this, short for "blood tests" they shortened it to "bloods" and it sounded genuine. Maybe it's a regional thing?


Maybe? I've just never heard is all but I don't get many blood tests to be fair.


Quoted from darrentomalin
Good point, done a quick ctrl+F (I love that function!) Replaced all four instances lol.


Only 4! It felt like a lot more than that...Maybe I just hate that word.


Quoted from darrentomalin
I wondered this too, if we can see a part of the character then are they O.S.?


Not sure to be honest with you but I would take it as if I don't see them speaking on the screen then for me...they're (O.S)

It's a good question though.


Quoted from darrentomalin
Loud whispering, you know what that is lol. You think no one can hear you.  Homer Simpson does it a lot.


Yeah, cool! Love it! You're right, Homer Simpson does do it a lot.


Quoted from darrentomalin
No, I didn't describe any beheadings, he was dragged through a gap that was too small.


Yeah but only his head went through and there was an awful lot of blood which was told to us on many occasions. The most likely scenario would be a beheading. Just a thought.


Quoted from darrentomalin
Thanks so much Steve, Awesome stuff!


No worries, just glad it helped you develop this further. I liked this and think it has loads of potential.

Again, great job for 7 weeks.  

Steve
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren, I am travelling, but wanted to give this a look.  No details, but I do have some comments for you - BTW, I have not read any of the feedback.

I got through the first 13 pages, and you know I am as far away from preaching about formulas as one can get, BUT, I think your intro is far too long and slow.  Of course  things are about to start happening, but we're 13 minutes in already, and literally nothing at all has happened - no sex, no nudity, no kills, no gore, no action.  This is a problem, IMO.

The dialogue does not read well to me.  I know it's a rushed effort and timeline, but as is, it needs work.

Your prose also reads a bit choppy to me, especially in terms of the FF elements/shots.  I think there are better, more clear, and less clumsy ways to get the point across, and the main 1 would be using a "note" very early on, telling your readers that they are reading a FF script.  I do know it's difficult, so take my words in understanding.

Finally, with such a long intro (so to speak), I don't think you reallly set your characters very well.  What I mean is that I don't see much life or originality to any of them.  I don't really even buy into the setup here, as in being believable.  I think you need to set Anna up as being a likable Protag, and to do that, you need to give her some personality.

I'll get back to it as time perrmits, but hope this helps a bit.

Take care.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  May 22nd, 2012, 10:21am
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darrentomalin
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jeff, I always respect your opinion, you have knack of finding angles that most would miss.  
Just quickly though, structure wise, to save some time, I followed the structure of ALIEN beat for beat.  I want to keep the slow build so probably need to introduce some more suspensful elements into the first act.  I tried to introduce conflict into every scene.
I don't think a NOTE early on is necessary but I did notice an over use of "the shot shakes as Anna blah blah blah" which I need to address.  Once it's established early on with Anna's camera use, I think it becomes self evident.
Look forward to any feedback if you get time.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Dreamscale
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from darrentomalin
Thanks Jeff, I always respect your opinion, you have knack of finding angles that most would miss.

Just quickly though, structure wise, to save some time, I followed the structure of ALIEN beat for beat.  I want to keep the slow build so probably need to introduce some more suspensful elements into the first act.  I tried to introduce conflict into every scene.


Well, remember, Alien was set in deep space, on a big, lonely vessel.  Even Alien's "wake up" scene brings it, as it's something we were not familiar with.

Your script is set in...hmmm, not sure where it's set, but I don't remember a single scene that has much to look at, and IMO, that's an issue, when you start so slowly.  Youu know I am not at all against long slow builds, but something or more importantly, some "things" need to stand out.

I fly all day today, but may have some time tomorrow.

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 25th, 2012, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren

Got to finish your script.

Congrats on finishing the challenge. Now comes the rewrite.

This is what I saw as something you would need to work on in the next draft if you decide to persue this.

I like the premise. However, I believe you should start with them all inside. I might even suggest show scenes that Anna, who I presumed survived the attack, talk to us after the events.

More aliens need to pop out. lol. Need to make more conflict.

There wasn't much of a inner change. I would like to see more Anna and her ex.

Maybe have Bernice and Warner have a thing going on. Add relationships. lol.  

That's what came to me. Sorry that its short.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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leitskev
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

Time has been a problem for me lately, so I decided to take this approach with the 7WC's. I'm going to try to read the first 10 pages of each. And if the story really grabs me, I'll move on to do the first 25 pages or so.

I've been impressed by your previous work, especially for a new writer. So I hope you can accept these remarks with their constructive intention. And of course I am aware that this is a first draft.

I got only as far as the first 10. Generally I would think a script has to really impress a studio reader in the first 10 pages to have a chance. In this early draft, IMO there are a lot of issues to be worked out. Let me raise as many as I can here.

In our first scene, we meet our protag, Anna, and what appears to be her boyfriend Hayden. We learn that it's her camera, though Hayden is currently using it. And we learn she is some kind of college student. Not sure if we learn much else. She gets upset with Hayden, and this cuts the scene, but there is no clue as to what made her mad. I assume this is on purpose.

In the next scene, she records her own thoughts. She seems to be still very upset with Hayden, but it could be someone else she's mad at. We have to assume it's Hayden. There are hints of a goal, that she needs some kind of success, but these are just hints. We are mostly left in the dark about why she is filming, what her goal is, really anything about her.

Next we have her again filming herself...this time while walking! Which I think would be odd. This is the kind of unlikelihood found footage creates. There's really no reason she would film that except so we can later see it in your movie. It's a huge problem in FF films, and really a problem here. Very hard to film yourself walking, and why would one? The scene is also completely expository, as the only thing that happens is we learn there is some Physics guy she wants to interview.

Next we meet Dane, the physics guy. Ok, why the heck is this guy in her dorm room?!! As far as we can tell, she is just a student. If she works for some journalistic organization, there is no indication of it. And he is working on a project that's going to "change the world". So some student calls up and says she wants to interview him...and he takes time from changing the world to come to her dorm room?! She better be freaking hot!

She begins the interview by jumping right to the big question about the top secret project. Jeez, would she really start that way? None of this seems remotely realistic.

Next issue I have is how she found out about this project. Some professor of hers told her? There has to be more of an explanation. This guy is working on a project, privately funded by some kind of sinister corporation, a project that will change the world, a project they want top secret...and there's a professor running around telling his students about it?

Next we meet her mother. I'm not really sure the purpose of this scene. Yes, you want us to know she has a sick mother. But scenes need more purpose that just that. There has to be some other way to make a scene like this serve the story and be more interesting.  And of course, there is the usual question of why she is filming, but it can be perhaps overlooked here I guess.

Next we arrive at the factory, meet Warner, who runs the project. A huge factory complex, a project to change the world, a sinister corporation...and no security? This seems odd. There would be layers of state of the art security, IMO.

And again, she is filming everything for no reason. She's there to record interviews and the project itself, but she walks around with the camera always running. I don't think that works.

Finally, I don't buy that this HUGE project is just going to let some college kid they don't know walk around filming. I can't buy one cent of that.

Ok, Darren. Please don't be discouraged. For a guy writing such a short time, you're doing fantastic! I hope something here helped. The first 10 pages are critical. And really the first act is critical. Every thing in the story has to be laser focused. The rest of this story could be the best thing since Alien. We have to make sure the audience gets there though! Try to get this front 10 more focused. Good luck!

DISCLAIMER: I am an amateur writer who made drinks for 20 years. Take the above with a grain of salt. Did the best I could.
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darrentomalin
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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lol no worries!  That's why we're hear to voice opinions!  I hear exactly where you're coming from brothers and sisters.
The Rift was never going to be a 'baby' of mine, I had problems buying into it also but submitted anyway as I had already committed to finishing!

BUT...
If I do give this another crack (see below) it would have a different act1 and I think I'd remove the FF angle entirely! It's so constraining and ANY movie which is FF DOES NOT WORK in my opinion, cloverfield included. There is a certain point where the audeince just say "why the hell are they still filming and not running!"
I personally am okay with act2 and 3 but act1 would get a total re-write and Anna would be part of the team instead of a student. But like I said, I had no intention to revisit this until last night when I had an indie studio express an interest so a re-write might be on the cards pending their thoughts.

DISCLAIMER: I am an amateur writer who drank drinks for 20 years!


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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leitskev
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Someday maybe I'll be in a place where I can make us all drinks! Probably have to be a virtual bar.

Couple of things for you to consider doing with this script, whose problems are due to FF it seems. And I know about these problems, because I ran into the same issue.

My first solution was to have an intro scene that was not FF. It introduced the FF, at the same time establishing tone and genre, and giving a taste of the premise.

But that wasn't enough. It was still too hard to build an interesting story. Then I had a breakthrough.

I started thinking, why not mix it? Some FF, some regular? And I researched it. It turns out this is how most FF films that are currently coming out are being done. The old Blair Witch angle is long used up. Which is good. Because now we'll get better movies.

Technically, it's not necessarily "found footage" that's being mixed. It's a combination of third person omniscient(regular) with first person(someone holds a camera, and is also a character in the film). One doesn't even have to account for the "found" aspect of the footage. So for example in this story, you can have a documentary crew filming the project. In the film we see, mixed in with the third person stuff: interviews with the project people, footage of the experiment, and perhaps shots of the documentary team itself. All we're really after from the "FF" aspect is a the bit of realism that comes from film created by characters in the scene. But you can still use the regular format to show things that no character would be filming.

This frees you do develop your story however you want now. But you can still market it as an FF script. Keep in mind that if you are going to try to sell this to people who are looking for FF, you need to have some long segments of FF type footage. That's how these companies save money. They let a guy run through the woods or something with a camera for 15 minutes at a time.

Good luck, D!
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darrentomalin
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Following some of the notes offered above, I've shuffled a few bits about, kind of Draft 1.5 which is now on the link above.
If anyone still wants the 1st draft for some reason it's available.

The Logline doesn't fit now, this is the new Logline:

A dejected intern for a mysterious company films a group of reckless scientists who accidentally unleash an alien force which proceeds to wipe them out one by one.

Anna is no longer a film student, she now works for the company and we get to the experiment a bit earlier. Vernon's role has changed, he is head of security and the facility is now underground.  That's the basics sorted, going to develop Anna's character some more and her relationship with Hayden in the next draft so any further notes/suggestions are more than welcome.
Thanks for everyone's help.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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leitskev
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that's a thousand times better! Seriously. That was quick. Good call on Vernon, great decision on Anna's reason for filming. Very nice adjustment, Darren. Reads much better too.
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darrentomalin
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Been away from the forums lately, just seen your reply Leitskev, thanks!


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 5th, 2013, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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First of congrats on finishing such a script under such time constraints. Along with reading the script, I looked over some of the reviews as well, so I wouldn't repeat too much of what you've already heard.

I thought you did a good job of having scenes lead into the following scene. In each scene as the reader and audience i was able to ask a question that in order to find the answer, I had to precede to the next scene. I believe that is the first step and the actually content second because there are always a million choices to make, so the right choice is always up for debate. I believe this to be the best attribute of the story.

Along with that you had a few technique that one can usually find in a good story, having a human opponent as well as a creature. I agreed with the another reviewer who said if Hayden in the others new about the outcome because of the monkeys and rats why didn't they say anything. IMO, it might be more suspense and add to the attack if when Anne opens the room, it is the first time Hayden learns about. Now, this would take away from there conflict, but it ratchets up the action because not only do you have the big creature, but several smaller ones. Another thing I didn't understand was after Kepler changed why didn't they run tests on Warner, no one shows any concern about him. A common mistake of horror movies is the protagonist doesn't learn anything, not to say that there aren't good horror out there, you mentioned Alien. I wast wondering who was watching the tape, and what was there intentions after viewing, because in a sense this is a story telling form, all this video is telling someone a story. I know Alien doesn't end that way so maybe that's the reason for not taking that approach.

But good read, flowed from scene to scene well, character did their part, though they didn't leave much to chew on in concerns of their predicament, and some of the grammar did read awkwardly, but the whole camera shots wasn't as distracting as i thought it would be.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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