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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Changed (was The Rift) - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Changed (was The Rift) - 7WC  (currently 4252 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2012, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Changed by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Thriller - A dejected film student follows a team of reckless scientists who accidentally unleash an alien force that proceeds to slaughter them one by one.  94 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  May 15th, 2013, 9:22am
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kingcooky555
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Okay picked this up next. Was looking to read up to 15 pages but ended up on page 18 as I was hooked on the wormhole parts.

The first few pages read well for a found footage. Dialogue is tricky in this medium as the characters should sound feel like they're talking in the real world. Anna and Hayden's exchange works for me.

What I gather form the first 1-3 pages is that Anna is a film student and she's looking for something worthy to film. Her relationship with Hayden is not all too rosy. For me, the inciting incident occurs when she goes to the Vanguard facility, which occurs prior to page 10. So good job getting the inciting incident by page 10.

page 9 - I think it should be "Does Vanguard know about this?"

The read slowed down a bit with the introductions, but I know you're establishing the characters. Picks up again when the wormhole is introduced. I ended up reading to page 18. I would go on, but it's time to leave work and I'll pick up when I get home.

It's a clean read. I understand who's holding the camera at all times. Very polished for an early draft based on these 18 pages - congrats.
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kingcooky555
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Pandit's refreshing - a comic to break the tensions. Easily my favorite character.

Clean and easy to read. The filming of the camera was clear. Either it was security footage or Anna. However, I did question the motivation of Anna to keep filming. In some sections she was running for her life, but the camera was still on. I guess this is the challenge with found footage. The footage camera has a character of its own - meaning it needs its own motivation to keep going.
Not much killing or action in the first half, but the characters and the sci-fi elements kept me interested. The patience pays off with some nice gore scenes in the second half.

A lot of adverbs. I'd cut these on the next re-write.

pg 34 Warner advances lasciviously, his face almost fills the screen but his eyes leer at Anna behind the camera.

My vocabulary is not that great but I had to look up the lascivious. Web dictionary says lewd. Instead of the adverb, why not show it? Maybe he's strutting side to side, snapping his fingers and acting like a gigelow? I'm not sure yet how Warner
would turn out, but something has definitely changed in him. More details and less use of the adverb will hammer home that point much better methinks.

pg 40 big open space right before the slug "INT. INFIRMARY - DAY"

pg 43 He smiles evilly. "Evilly" reads weird. I'd go with "He flashes an evil grin."

pg 43 Warner’s expression changes, he touches his bloodied lip, his evil grin melts away. He rises to his feet, confused. "should be semi colons to separate those actions." Also I prefer "Confused, he rises to his feet." As is, it reads as if his foot is confused. In general, you have lots of sections that should use semi-colons rather than commas.

pg 44 Warner sits quietly brooding, his lip cut, he keeps his eyes
averted.... Dane watches Keppler, he eats quickly. Again I would use semicolons rather than commas here.

pg 56 - first major kill! didn't disappoint. Although I was thinking that Warner might turn into something sinister himself, but there's still Act 3....

pg 58  - I liked that interview with Vernon. The part when Anna mentions you keep it all running, and his mind wonders about his wife. It has humanistic feel about it that I like.

pg 59-62 - when Dane kills Vernon, I'm surprised that Dane would continue the camera shooting. This is probably the first time I question the found footage continuing, as I would think Dane would want to suppress evidence of himself carrying out a murder.

Ok after page 62, I can see that Dane wants the cameras to be on so he can still document his work/findings. Maybe in the scene 59-62, he confiscates the camera from Anna after the murder, but then hands it back to her in the next scene. At least some explanation in pages 59-62, as it doesn't feel right to me how Dane kills someone and then threatens Anna with the camera on his face.

pg 67 - Nice Dane gets what's coming to him. Gory!

They all die or disappear in the end. I think most found footage films would have to end this way. Based on the ending, I would guess that someone must have stopped the portal, or it would have gobbled up the city and the footage would have never been found.

Nice touch ending it when it all began.
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darrentomalin
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Thanks for the feedback, great stuff.
Grammar is my major weakness, I'm not sure where to use semicolons to be honest so any advice on that would be great.
Gonna do an adverb harvest in the next re-write too
Thanks.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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CoopBazinga
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Hey Darren,

Let me start by saying that your script was the one I was most eagar to read when looking at the 7WC thread. I liked the title and logline, this type of story is right up my alley to be honest with you.

Although I have to question why this in the thriller section? I would have classed this more Sci-fi horror but maybe that’s just me. When words like “wormhole” and “portal chamber” are in a script, surely this signals sci-fi?

The writing was good overall and it was a quick read, nothing major that tripped me up along the way. Reginald has already mentioned about the adverbs, there were a lot but I’m hardly a grammar expert to be fair.

I liked this for most part, got more enjoyment from the first half as the second seemed to follow the old formula of running down corridors and picking a character off one by one. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s a trusted formula but I would have liked to have seen something different, a new angle.

Like I say the first half was a good read, it moved at a nice pace and we learnt a lot about our protag in those first 10 pages not mention we got to the warehouse within this period, excellent stuff.

I liked the part with all the character intro’s and think you did an excellent job, they all had their own personalities and never came off as faceless background characters. I think what pushed this was the “flashback” scenes where they all had an individual interview with Anna, some good exposition here with back-story. However, I wish that you had done some these earlier in the piece as I thought it was a real tension killer in the final act and did take me away from the story a bit.

There some real good elements but they raised questions like when the creature let’s Anna live. this came to nothing and the reveal of the monkey’s which I liked BTW but it does raise the question of why Hayden and the others went through with human testing considering what they knew happened to the monkey’s?

The creature, although just a basic killing alien was well conceived and you gave it some great visuals which made its scenes very enjoyable, we all like a little gore and blood in movies right.

The characters were well done for most part, Anna and Hayden had a nice relationship and both were likeable as the protags. Dane, shall we say our “Burke” of your story had some great moments and I liked his scientific research matters more than people’s lives which was spot on for his character…only wish he didn’t die so early as I felt he was a more interesting character than either Pandit or Bernice.

My only complaint would be that I think Warner was a missed opportunity, killing him off (or not) first when you could have had him slowly transform while with the group. It would have been great to show his mental state changing, becoming more like the creature during all the chaos before the inevitable transformation near the end.

The ending worked, I too liked how you switched it back to the first scene at the park showing Anna just before Hayden arrives, and it was a nice touch and would work well on screen. I think “Cloverfield” did something similar but I can’t be sure about that.

Lastly, I think you did an excellent job with the FF genre, liked how you tried to avoid the dreaded “we” and adding some of the security footage as well was good thinking and broke up the scenes well. Yes there is the usual FF problem of why is the person still filming when everything’s’ gone to pot and they’re running for their lives but who cares about that. You did an excellent job overall for me because this is a hard sell and I never got bored or tired with the style you chose…it worked so good job.

Anyway these are the notes I took during the read:

P.1  “ANNA (23),” Believe you don’t need a comma after the age if it’s in brackets?

P. 2 “suddenly melancholy” No need for “suddenly” here IMO.

“INT. ANNA’S DORM ROOM – NIGHT” Thought the slugs could be a bit more descriptive here. What University? Where are we? Just a thought as it won’t take any extra space.

P.3 “She sighs loudly, the anger drains from her tone as she
purges her frustrations with a cleansing breath.”

Wow! That’s a lot of description for a sigh of frustration.

“A fizz of STATIC and she’s back, more composed this time.”

Is this straight away? There was a discussion about the use of “LATER” recently in another thread and I wonder if one is called for here, wouldn’t certainly clear this scene up?

“EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY” Again, what university? Where is this set? Small details but can help the reader better visualize the scene and without taking up extra space.

P. 5                                   ANNA
                      So, Far Reach isn’t one of your
                      accomplishments?

Shouldn’t Anna be (O.S) in this scene?

P. 6 “wheel chair” Should be one word.

P. 7 “A deserted industrial estate” Superfluous IMO, we know it’s an industrial estate from the slug.

“a suitcase sits at her feet” How would we see the suitcase by her feet? I thought the camera was trained on her face?

P. 12 “Keppler (32),” Not capped on first intro.

“He notices the camera with a start” Confused by this line? What’s “with a start”?

“MILES VERNON” Why his full name and not “VERNON” It’s just the rest have been intro’d with one name? Maybe his full name comes into play later?

“(To Anna)” Thought this was unneeded. It should be obvious who he’s talking too.

P.14 “Dane, Vernon, Hayden, Pandit, Warner and Keppler take up
positions around the platform at the instruments and
computers and start pushing buttons. Bernice watches from
nearby.”

Some action segments like the one above would read better with some more periods to break it up. Something to look out for.

“DANE (O.S.)” Why is Dane off screen? He was just in the shot before?

“A low powered WHINE comes from the equipment about the
platform.” This reads a bit awkward. Should “about” be “above”?

“Like a lazy plasma ball” A “lazy” plasma ball?

P.15 “Anna staggers backwards” She backed off before, just be careful that she doesn’t leave the room.

“My god” You’ve capped “God” before, good to be consistent.

P.16 “off of it” Take out “of” IMO, reads better.

P.18 “INT. REC ROOM – DAY” Should this be a flashback?

P.20 “defibrillators” How many is she using? Think one would be enough.

P.22 “You fucking vulcan.” Vulcan? Is Spock there?

P.31 “She speaks quietly into the microphone.” Microphone? When did Anna start wearing a microphone?

P.33 “lap top” Laptop is one word.

P.35 “I’m gonna’” Why the apostrophe after “gonna”

“broken pool table” How do we know it’s broken? Is there a sign or something? Just a picky thought.

P.37 “his bloods came back clear.” His bloods? This should be “blood” like “his blood test came back clear”

P.38 “INT. DORMITORY – DAY” Is this still the security camera’s P.O.V?

“obviously” This isn’t a word I’m a fan of and it’s been used a few times now, mix it up with other terms during these
flashback scenes.

P.39 “Now I’m trapped there with him.” Reads all wrong IMO, almost like past tense.

P.40 “talking tech” They’ve done this a few times…what is it?

P.41 A massive space between the action and slug on this page.

P.43 “(To Anna)” Again superfluous, we know he’s talking to Anna. Something to look out for as this simple thing could shave off a half a page and that’s never a bad thing.

P.46 “an other” Should this be another?

“What just happened to Keppler.” Missing question mark.

P.48 “(To Dane)” Another example here of what I said before, this wrylie is unneeded, Bernice and Dane come face to face in the action before this dialogue so who else would she be talking too. It’s no biggie really but worth looking out for to save some space.

“tinny” Should this be tiny?

P.50 “off of Dane” Look out for this line “off of” as well, just think it would read better as “off Dane” Maybe that’s just me.

P.55 “the shot bounces and shakes” Think you missed an Anna’s camera P.O.V in this scene? Unless the security camera is bouncing?

P.56 “his collar bone shatters” Could we really see what individual bone shatters?

“the too small gap” I would get rid of “too” in this sentence, personally think it reads better without it.

P.57 “where Warner’s blood smears the floor” Don’t think you need “where” a comma would have sufficed.

P.59 “he pulls the pistol” Missing “out” somewhere in this sentence.

P.63 “Pandit carefully picks up a flashlight, feels the weight,
looks over at Dane with intent. Bernice sees Pandit and
shakes her head “don’t”.”

If the camera is on Dane, how would we see this?

P.66 “One claw crunches through the chair and severs Dane’s arm,
the arm and pieces of chair drop to the floor, he screams.”

Think this needs a period in there somewhere to break this sentence up.

P.68 “transfixed by it.” Transfixed would suffice here, no need for “by it”

P.71 “the camera points to their feet.” In this case shouldn’t the dialogue be (O.S)?

P.72 “his manner is grim” Take out that nasty “is” here.

“Dane’s gun” Personally feel you can now just say pistol now, it would tighten the action.

“The team head towards the stairwell and elevator where Warner
was taken.

They nervously check each corner, Bernice stays near to
Pandit, they peer into the darkened derelict offices.”

Some of the action in this final act can come off as repetitive now, like telling us they’re going past where Warner was taken. Seen that a few times.

“speak in loud whispers” Loud whispers? Doesn’t this go against what whispering is.

“hyper ventilate” Again, one word.

P.74 Some of these flashbacks, while good for background on the characters. I feel like they zapping away some of the tension, just a thought.

“They reach the bottom of the stairs.” That was quick, why did Anna just ask? Surely she would have seen the bottom of the staircase.

P.76 She thinks for a beat, back there, shakes it off. Unneeded IMO.

P.77 Just a personal one but I would try not to let the dialogue go over two pages, it looks messy IMO.

“Suddenly” Another word I’m not a fan of and I’ve seen it pop a few times now, it’s also unnecessary here at the start of the sentence.

P.78 “The CREATURE suddenly lunges from the ceiling of the corridor
beyond and drops into the centre of the room.”

How does the creature lunge down from the ceiling of the corridor into the centre of the room there in?

“The creature prowls into the room” Thought it was in the room?

P.79 “gets off on the third floor” Superfluous as we’re told this in the next slug.

“where Warner was taken at the elevator doors.” Yeah, think I know this by now. Why not mix it up with something like “Anna stands up, covered in Warner’s blood” Another way to get this info across without repeating the same action.

P.80 “PANDIT (O.S.)” Why is Pandit suddenly off screen.

P.81 “It’s a causal string emitter” Shouldn’t it be called a CSE then?

P.82 “Give me hand will you?” Missing “a” between me and hand.

P.85 “Anna follows Hayden” Huh? Thought Anna was running from Hayden the previous time we saw them?

P.87 “The elevator cage FALLS, CRASHES down upon the creature and
slices it in half as it passes.”

Wonder if a mini-slug “elevator shaft” would help break this scene up and make it clearer.

P.91 “the same scar as the one on Warner’s face.” Feel this line is unnecessary, there’s enough description and with the dialogue, it should be more than enough for the reader to work out who it is.

While I’m on the subject, I assumed Warner was beheaded in the elevator shaft earlier but I guess it’s wrong to make assumptions.

A lot of this is just picky stuff and nothing that harmed the read.

Overall I enjoyed this and think you’ve done an excellent job for 7 weeks work. A great story which was a fast read and kept me entertained right through to the end.

Great work and congrats on completing the 7WC.

Steve





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nawazm11
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Hey, Darren. This is up next.

You're my only competitor I think? But it seems like you have beaten me. This is a fine piece of work, I enjoyed the read. Some very good thrills.

It seems you took the more classic approach to found footage, the one you normally see in movies, and you executed it pretty well. At no point was I confused on who was holding the camera and filming. You made everything very clear, even without the use of notes.

This gave a me a real TrollHunter feel. The interviews, the constant running.

A big problem that I always seem to see in found footage movies are the underwhelming endings. I'm not sure if you've seen TrollHunter, but absolutely nothing happens at the end, which was a shame because the movie was great until that point. I'm mentioning this because I felt that here, not like TrollHunter, but more like Chronicle. The ending was there, except it just felt lacking, and for me it lacks here as well. She just jumps into the portal, and we see her talking to the camera again (presumebly in the future?). I dunno, something felt missing IMO.

Maybe I missed something, but if you jump into the portal, don't you turn into a creature later on? If the footage at the end was in the future, she would've turned into a monster, right? But she doesn't, and I'm not really sure why...

You mention Vanguard in here a lot but we don't really know anything about them. If they're the ones funding the project and hiring people to do the experiment, shouldn't we get a little more information about them? I'm not sure if you knew this and the FF angle just made it hard to convert, but a little more information about them would be nice.

You have introduced a lot of characters in the script, and I think you've done a great job at keeping them all unique. Especially Pandit, who was my favourite character. At the end, I was secretly hoping that he lives.

Now, your logline, which IMO, has many problems. It doesn't sound bad, a good logline actually, except that it really strays away from the story. You say "Dejected Film Student" but you never find this out, do you? I knew she was doing something filmish, but the dejection could've been a little clearer, unless you mean dejected by Hayden? It also says "Reckless Scientists" but they seemed the opposite of Reckless to me. Mayne Dane, but not the others. And then you also say they accidently release an alien force, which makes it seem like they had something to do with the Alien, when the alien didn't emerge until the second half of the script.

Now, the monster! No problems with him, except he reveals himself to quickly IMO. He shows his whole body without first teasing the audience. You might've wanted this as it's not horror, but it's definitely something you should look into.

Your writing was very strong, and I loved your descriptions. You knew exactly what the 'feel' of your script was like and you executed it pretty well, so great job on that.

Also, why does the alien not kill Anna? I thought you were getting onto something there but it all came to nothing.

Overall thoughts! If my comments above make it seem like I didn't like the script, I apologize. This was good, a very enjoyable read. I'm actually surprised at how you could write this well in 7 weeks. You put a new twist on the "Monster kills everybody 1 by 1" which was executed well. The FF fit perfectly and it actually works better with it. Many producers are looking for a FF, especially on Inktip. You should really give it a try, as I think with time, you could turn this into a great product.

Good job.

Here are the notes I took btw.

Page 3: The transition from a Anna crying then telling us about the science department seems a little sudden. Unless, she isn't in the dorm anymore?

Page 6: The sick mother scene is very similar to Chronicles.

Page 13: I've already forgotten half the characters. Might just be me though.

Page 17: Pandit's dialogue, .

Page 19: "Why are you sorry for?" Did you mean, 'what'? Why sounds a little dodgy to me. Or maybe, "Why are you sorry?"

Page 29: Dane doesn't seem as threatening as the characters make him out to be. Guess it will come later on.

Page 39: "He's a fool." Seems like a strange thing to say after everything before that.

Page 41: Great scene, teasing the audience.

Page 44: Oh no! A camera direction! At least you're doing better than me on the "We".

Page 47: Warner walks away into the shadows? Seems a little strange.

Page 48: Tinny, had to search that up. A funny word.

Page 69: No space between You and Tube. Copyright, I'm guessing?

Page 81: The dialogue was going so well until here! I know what you were trying to get at but it sounds so cliche.  

Page 82: "Give me hand will you?" Give me a hand will you?

Page 84: "monkey monster"
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darrentomalin
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Thanks for everyone's comments. Got some great feedback. I wasn't going to go back to this, it didn't grab me as much as my other projects, but the feedback is encouraging and everyone should have a horror script under their belt so might well go back to this and take into account all that has been said.
I've been really busy so going to address people's comments when I get five minutes (hopefully a bit later)
Thanks again everyone.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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darrentomalin
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Quoted from kingcooky555
A lot of adverbs. I'd cut these on the next re-write.

pg 34 Warner advances lasciviously, his face almost fills the screen but his eyes leer at Anna behind the camera.


I though Lascivious ment sort of pervy, slimey. He has a soft spot for Anna which foreshadows how he behaves when he is a monster later. I'll change the adjective.


Quoted from kingcooky555

pg 40 big open space right before the slug "INT. INFIRMARY - DAY"

Fixed


Quoted from kingcooky555

pg 43 He smiles evilly. "Evilly" reads weird. I'd go with "He flashes an evil grin."

Nice.


Quoted from kingcooky555

pg 43 In general, you have lots of sections that should use semi-colons rather than commas.

I need some help with semi colons and colons, my punctuation knowledge is a weakness of mine I hope to improve as I go.


Quoted from kingcooky555

pg 59-62 - when Dane kills Vernon, I'm surprised that Dane would continue the camera shooting. This is probably the first time I question the found footage continuing, as I would think Dane would want to suppress evidence of himself carrying out a murder.

That's my biggest beef with FF and my biggest problem with the entire exersise.  Even right at the end, Anna is still filming.  


Quoted from kingcooky555

Based on the ending, I would guess that someone must have stopped the portal, or it would have gobbled up the city and the footage would have never been found.

Originally I wanted the movie to play out as if this is being streamed. When she sends the footage, the scene at the end where she was speaking to camera about sending everything was also at the begnining in earlier drafts. The fact it's "buffering" on screen I tries to make it feel as if this is happening right now. Very hard to accomplish.



http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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darrentomalin
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Quoted from CoopBazinga

I have to question why this in the thriller section?

Thanks for pointing this out, I cocked up at submission. Now corrected. It is a horror.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

the second seemed to follow the old formula of running down corridors and picking a character off one by one. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s a trusted formula but I would have liked to have seen something different, a new angle.

It was intentional to have some familiar tropes in there.  With future re-writes I hope to inject something new into them.  ANy suggestions?


Quoted from CoopBazinga

I liked the part with all the character intro’s ... However, I wish that you had done some these earlier in the piece.

These sections were easilly the most controversial during writing. I was unsure of them myself. The idea was taken from cloverfield I'll admit.  The idea that the older foorage got mixed in with the new and these flashes of 'normality' and 'humanity' were meant to stand out and contrast with the horror that was unfolding as these characters died or 'lost it'. I tries to place them where they didn't upset the tension too much with varying results lol.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

when the creature let’s Anna live. this came to nothing

It is explained when Warner is revealed to have been transformed also.  He had a thing for Anna and when she puzzles over why it tried to protect her, this foreshadows that reveal.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

why Hayden and the others went through with human testing considering what they knew happened to the monkey’s?

Ia gree, a plot hole that needs filling. My thought was that Dane didn't care and actually only cared about capturing a human/monster. THis needs adressing in rewrites deffinitely.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

only wish he didn’t die so early as I felt he was a more interesting character than either Pandit or Bernice.

I felt that he needed to be offed early as his constant demands were becoming tiresome. Also, even though he was insane, he was in charge and if you take away a groups leadership - they start to fall apart which I hoped came across.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

I think Warner was a missed opportunity, killing him off (or not) first when you could have had him slowly transform while with the group.

That's a great idea!


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.3 “She sighs loudly, the anger drains from her tone as she
purges her frustrations with a cleansing breath.”
Wow! That’s a lot of description for a sigh of frustration.

Lol it is, isn't it?  It was meant to be a drawn out severe change in her demeanour that a simple "she sighs" just wouldn't convey


Quoted from CoopBazinga

Shouldn’t Anna be (O.S) in this scene?

Yep, missed in re-write.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P. 7 “A deserted industrial estate” Superfluous IMO, we know it’s an industrial estate from the slug.

No, it needs to be shown to be unused, abandoned to set up the fact the team are out here alone. Coule be in the action though I suppose. I thought you were asking for detail lol.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

“a suitcase sits at her feet” How would we see the suitcase by her feet? I thought the camera was trained on her face?

Good point, maybe it dipped into shot as she turns the camera. I really tried not to give camera directions, pretty difficut when a character is the cameraoperator!


Quoted from CoopBazinga

“He notices the camera with a start” Confused by this line? What’s “with a start”?

It means "with a jump" - startled.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

“My god” You’ve capped “God” before, good to be consistent.

This made me think about how many times people say 'oh God' in the script. I did an ctrl+F and took out about half lol.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.22 “You fucking vulcan.” Vulcan? Is Spock there?

He's refering to the character's lack of emotions.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.31 “She speaks quietly into the microphone.” Microphone? When did Anna start wearing a microphone?

The microphone on the camera, her voice was meant to be close to the camera, speaking to the viewer so the others can't hear.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.35 “I’m gonna’” Why the apostrophe after “gonna”

Right, another punctuation thing for me.  Gonna' is a slang-contraction, is it meant to be 'Gonna


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.37 “his bloods came back clear.” His bloods? This should be “blood” like “his blood test came back clear”

I heard my nurse and my doctor say it like this, short for "blood tests" they shortened it to "bloods" and it sounded genuine. Maybe it's a regional thing?


Quoted from CoopBazinga

“obviously” This isn’t a word I’m a fan of and it’s been used a few times now, mix it up with other terms during these
flashback scenes.

Good point, done a quick ctrl+F (I love that function!) Replaced all four instances lol.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.71 “the camera points to their feet.” In this case shouldn’t the dialogue be (O.S)?

I wondered this too, if we can see a part of the character then are they O.S.?


Quoted from CoopBazinga

Some of the action in this final act can come off as repetitive now, like telling us they’re going past where Warner was taken. Seen that a few times.

I always worry taht the reader isn't sure where the characters are. Especially when moving about a lot like in this script.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

“speak in loud whispers” Loud whispers? Doesn’t this go against what whispering is.

Loud whispering, you know what that is lol. You think no one can hear you.  Homer Simpson does it a lot.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.79 “gets off on the third floor” Superfluous as we’re told this in the next slug.

The team got split here so needed to clarify who got off where.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

“where Warner was taken at the elevator doors.” Yeah, think I know this by now. Why not mix it up with something like “Anna stands up, covered in Warner’s blood” Another way to get this info across without repeating the same action.

Love it.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.85 “Anna follows Hayden” Huh? Thought Anna was running from Hayden the previous time we saw them?

good catch!


Quoted from CoopBazinga

P.91 “the same scar as the one on Warner’s face.” Feel this line is unnecessary, there’s enough description and with the dialogue, it should be more than enough for the reader to work out who it is.

Cool, think i'll keep it in though some people failed to recognise that Warner was the second creature so need to re-think the visual clues.


Quoted from CoopBazinga

While I’m on the subject, I assumed Warner was beheaded in the elevator shaft earlier but I guess it’s wrong to make assumptions.

No, I didn't describe any beheadings, he was dragged through a gap that was too small.

Thanks so much Steve, Awesome stuff!




http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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darrentomalin
Posted: May 15th, 2012, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from nawazm11

You're my only competitor I think? But it seems like you have beaten me. This is a fine piece of work, I enjoyed the read. Some very good thrills.

I really enjoyed your first two acts!



Quoted from nawazm11

She just jumps into the portal, and we see her talking to the camera again (presumebly in the future?). I dunno, something felt missing IMO.

Hm, I could go for some explosions? We were told low budget lol.


Quoted from nawazm11

Maybe I missed something, but if you jump into the portal, don't you turn into a creature later on? If the footage at the end was in the future, she would've turned into a monster, right? But she doesn't, and I'm not really sure why...

Yep, that was intentional. I tried to get across that she had nowhere to go.  You're the first person to pick up on that twist. What happens on the other side? Leaves it open for a sequel too lol.


Quoted from nawazm11

You mention Vanguard in here a lot but we don't really know anything about them.

Also intentional - I am obviously influenced by Alien and Vanguard are like my Weyland-Yutani. Mentioned but never clarified. Did they know about the creature?


Quoted from nawazm11

I was secretly hoping that he lives.

Mine too, it was hard killing him off lol


Quoted from nawazm11

"Dejected Film Student" but you never find this out, do you?

I don't know, she seemed quite dejected at the start.


Quoted from nawazm11

"Reckless Scientists" but they seemed the opposite of Reckless to me.

Hmm, they certainly didn't act responsibly when the monkey incident' happened lol


Quoted from nawazm11

And then you also say they accidently release an alien force,

Agreed, didn't seem very accidental.


Quoted from nawazm11

Now, the monster! No problems with him, except he reveals himself to quickly IMO. He shows his whole body without first teasing the audience. You might've wanted this as it's not horror, but it's definitely something you should look into.

I disagree.  When Kepler changes he's only part changed before running and hiding. Next time you see the monster at midpoint it is only reveaed as dark evil eyes and slender fingers in a dark elevator shaft and pulls Warner to his doom.  You don''t see him in his entirity until about page 66 when it slices up Dane.


Quoted from nawazm11

Also, why does the alien not kill Anna? I thought you were getting onto something there but it all came to nothing.

Anna expresses her confusion also. I think you missed the bit about the alien being Warner?


Quoted from nawazm11

Page 6: The sick mother scene is very similar to Chronicles.

Haven't seen Chronicles. This scene was meant to be my 'Save the Cat' moment for Anna and set up something later in a deleted scene when Dane tried to blackmail Anna. This scene could actually be cut with hindsight, I hope Anna is likeable enough without it.


Quoted from nawazm11

Page 13: I've already forgotten half the characters. Might just be me though.

Ouch lol, I hope it is just you!!!


Quoted from nawazm11

Page 44: Oh no! A camera direction! At least you're doing better than me on the "We".

Yeah, she turned the camera around to check it so I had to make something of that.


Quoted from nawazm11

Page 69: No space between You and Tube. Copyright, I'm guessing?

Well spotted. Spellchecker didn't like the proper spelling. Corrected.


Quoted from nawazm11

Page 81: The dialogue was going so well until here! I know what you were trying to get at but it sounds so cliche.  

Hmmm, I wouldn't call it cliche but certainly is too exposition heavy. I Will take a look at that.

Thanks for the input, great stuff


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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steven8
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one.  So far it is my favorite.  Action, energy, clean and easy to read, great and very 'real' characters.  The set up for there being a second monster was a little too pat, but I'd pay to go see it in a heartbeat!!


...in no particular order
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darrentomalin
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Quoted from steven8
I really enjoyed this one.  So far it is my favorite.  Action, energy, clean and easy to read, great and very 'real' characters.  The set up for there being a second monster was a little too pat, but I'd pay to go see it in a heartbeat!!


Thanks Steven!


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Don't worry about semi colons in a script.  Don't use semi colons in a script.  Use commas, whether or not they look right.

Adverbs can be overused, especially when you're trying to use "big" or uncommon words.  Keep it simple, but write it visualy.

I'll give it a read once I get settled.
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darrentomalin
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Thanks jeff, hope you are well.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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I say use periods Darren. Keep it simple. If you use commas, makes it all run-on which I think is worse.

I'm currently reading this. Just trying to finish this up before I give you my review.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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CoopBazinga
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Quoted from darrentomalin
It was intentional to have some familiar tropes in there.  With future re-writes I hope to inject something new into them.  ANy suggestions?


Let me think about it, hard to think away from the trusted formula, hence your problem.


Quoted from darrentomalin
It is explained when Warner is revealed to have been transformed also.  He had a thing for Anna and when she puzzles over why it tried to protect her, this foreshadows that reveal.


I apoligize, must have missed it but more reason to make it clearer for the reader.


Quoted from darrentomalin
No, it needs to be shown to be unused, abandoned to set up the fact the team are out here alone. Coule be in the action though I suppose. I thought you were asking for detail lol.


Always looking for detail, buddy. I get what you're saying and it's a fair point "deserted" being the emphatized word here and feel you could accomplish this in the action. Why not make Anna feel alone, exposed, deserted. Some reaction from her to set this scene.


Quoted from darrentomalin
I heard my nurse and my doctor say it like this, short for "blood tests" they shortened it to "bloods" and it sounded genuine. Maybe it's a regional thing?


Maybe? I've just never heard is all but I don't get many blood tests to be fair.


Quoted from darrentomalin
Good point, done a quick ctrl+F (I love that function!) Replaced all four instances lol.


Only 4! It felt like a lot more than that...Maybe I just hate that word.


Quoted from darrentomalin
I wondered this too, if we can see a part of the character then are they O.S.?


Not sure to be honest with you but I would take it as if I don't see them speaking on the screen then for me...they're (O.S)

It's a good question though.


Quoted from darrentomalin
Loud whispering, you know what that is lol. You think no one can hear you.  Homer Simpson does it a lot.


Yeah, cool! Love it! You're right, Homer Simpson does do it a lot.


Quoted from darrentomalin
No, I didn't describe any beheadings, he was dragged through a gap that was too small.


Yeah but only his head went through and there was an awful lot of blood which was told to us on many occasions. The most likely scenario would be a beheading. Just a thought.


Quoted from darrentomalin
Thanks so much Steve, Awesome stuff!


No worries, just glad it helped you develop this further. I liked this and think it has loads of potential.

Again, great job for 7 weeks.  

Steve
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 21st, 2012, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren, I am travelling, but wanted to give this a look.  No details, but I do have some comments for you - BTW, I have not read any of the feedback.

I got through the first 13 pages, and you know I am as far away from preaching about formulas as one can get, BUT, I think your intro is far too long and slow.  Of course  things are about to start happening, but we're 13 minutes in already, and literally nothing at all has happened - no sex, no nudity, no kills, no gore, no action.  This is a problem, IMO.

The dialogue does not read well to me.  I know it's a rushed effort and timeline, but as is, it needs work.

Your prose also reads a bit choppy to me, especially in terms of the FF elements/shots.  I think there are better, more clear, and less clumsy ways to get the point across, and the main 1 would be using a "note" very early on, telling your readers that they are reading a FF script.  I do know it's difficult, so take my words in understanding.

Finally, with such a long intro (so to speak), I don't think you reallly set your characters very well.  What I mean is that I don't see much life or originality to any of them.  I don't really even buy into the setup here, as in being believable.  I think you need to set Anna up as being a likable Protag, and to do that, you need to give her some personality.

I'll get back to it as time perrmits, but hope this helps a bit.

Take care.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 22nd, 2012, 10:21am
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darrentomalin
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Thanks Jeff, I always respect your opinion, you have knack of finding angles that most would miss.  
Just quickly though, structure wise, to save some time, I followed the structure of ALIEN beat for beat.  I want to keep the slow build so probably need to introduce some more suspensful elements into the first act.  I tried to introduce conflict into every scene.
I don't think a NOTE early on is necessary but I did notice an over use of "the shot shakes as Anna blah blah blah" which I need to address.  Once it's established early on with Anna's camera use, I think it becomes self evident.
Look forward to any feedback if you get time.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Dreamscale
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from darrentomalin
Thanks Jeff, I always respect your opinion, you have knack of finding angles that most would miss.

Just quickly though, structure wise, to save some time, I followed the structure of ALIEN beat for beat.  I want to keep the slow build so probably need to introduce some more suspensful elements into the first act.  I tried to introduce conflict into every scene.


Well, remember, Alien was set in deep space, on a big, lonely vessel.  Even Alien's "wake up" scene brings it, as it's something we were not familiar with.

Your script is set in...hmmm, not sure where it's set, but I don't remember a single scene that has much to look at, and IMO, that's an issue, when you start so slowly.  Youu know I am not at all against long slow builds, but something or more importantly, some "things" need to stand out.

I fly all day today, but may have some time tomorrow.

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 25th, 2012, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren

Got to finish your script.

Congrats on finishing the challenge. Now comes the rewrite.

This is what I saw as something you would need to work on in the next draft if you decide to persue this.

I like the premise. However, I believe you should start with them all inside. I might even suggest show scenes that Anna, who I presumed survived the attack, talk to us after the events.

More aliens need to pop out. lol. Need to make more conflict.

There wasn't much of a inner change. I would like to see more Anna and her ex.

Maybe have Bernice and Warner have a thing going on. Add relationships. lol.  

That's what came to me. Sorry that its short.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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leitskev
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

Time has been a problem for me lately, so I decided to take this approach with the 7WC's. I'm going to try to read the first 10 pages of each. And if the story really grabs me, I'll move on to do the first 25 pages or so.

I've been impressed by your previous work, especially for a new writer. So I hope you can accept these remarks with their constructive intention. And of course I am aware that this is a first draft.

I got only as far as the first 10. Generally I would think a script has to really impress a studio reader in the first 10 pages to have a chance. In this early draft, IMO there are a lot of issues to be worked out. Let me raise as many as I can here.

In our first scene, we meet our protag, Anna, and what appears to be her boyfriend Hayden. We learn that it's her camera, though Hayden is currently using it. And we learn she is some kind of college student. Not sure if we learn much else. She gets upset with Hayden, and this cuts the scene, but there is no clue as to what made her mad. I assume this is on purpose.

In the next scene, she records her own thoughts. She seems to be still very upset with Hayden, but it could be someone else she's mad at. We have to assume it's Hayden. There are hints of a goal, that she needs some kind of success, but these are just hints. We are mostly left in the dark about why she is filming, what her goal is, really anything about her.

Next we have her again filming herself...this time while walking! Which I think would be odd. This is the kind of unlikelihood found footage creates. There's really no reason she would film that except so we can later see it in your movie. It's a huge problem in FF films, and really a problem here. Very hard to film yourself walking, and why would one? The scene is also completely expository, as the only thing that happens is we learn there is some Physics guy she wants to interview.

Next we meet Dane, the physics guy. Ok, why the heck is this guy in her dorm room?!! As far as we can tell, she is just a student. If she works for some journalistic organization, there is no indication of it. And he is working on a project that's going to "change the world". So some student calls up and says she wants to interview him...and he takes time from changing the world to come to her dorm room?! She better be freaking hot!

She begins the interview by jumping right to the big question about the top secret project. Jeez, would she really start that way? None of this seems remotely realistic.

Next issue I have is how she found out about this project. Some professor of hers told her? There has to be more of an explanation. This guy is working on a project, privately funded by some kind of sinister corporation, a project that will change the world, a project they want top secret...and there's a professor running around telling his students about it?

Next we meet her mother. I'm not really sure the purpose of this scene. Yes, you want us to know she has a sick mother. But scenes need more purpose that just that. There has to be some other way to make a scene like this serve the story and be more interesting.  And of course, there is the usual question of why she is filming, but it can be perhaps overlooked here I guess.

Next we arrive at the factory, meet Warner, who runs the project. A huge factory complex, a project to change the world, a sinister corporation...and no security? This seems odd. There would be layers of state of the art security, IMO.

And again, she is filming everything for no reason. She's there to record interviews and the project itself, but she walks around with the camera always running. I don't think that works.

Finally, I don't buy that this HUGE project is just going to let some college kid they don't know walk around filming. I can't buy one cent of that.

Ok, Darren. Please don't be discouraged. For a guy writing such a short time, you're doing fantastic! I hope something here helped. The first 10 pages are critical. And really the first act is critical. Every thing in the story has to be laser focused. The rest of this story could be the best thing since Alien. We have to make sure the audience gets there though! Try to get this front 10 more focused. Good luck!

DISCLAIMER: I am an amateur writer who made drinks for 20 years. Take the above with a grain of salt. Did the best I could.
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darrentomalin
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lol no worries!  That's why we're hear to voice opinions!  I hear exactly where you're coming from brothers and sisters.
The Rift was never going to be a 'baby' of mine, I had problems buying into it also but submitted anyway as I had already committed to finishing!

BUT...
If I do give this another crack (see below) it would have a different act1 and I think I'd remove the FF angle entirely! It's so constraining and ANY movie which is FF DOES NOT WORK in my opinion, cloverfield included. There is a certain point where the audeince just say "why the hell are they still filming and not running!"
I personally am okay with act2 and 3 but act1 would get a total re-write and Anna would be part of the team instead of a student. But like I said, I had no intention to revisit this until last night when I had an indie studio express an interest so a re-write might be on the cards pending their thoughts.

DISCLAIMER: I am an amateur writer who drank drinks for 20 years!


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leitskev
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Someday maybe I'll be in a place where I can make us all drinks! Probably have to be a virtual bar.

Couple of things for you to consider doing with this script, whose problems are due to FF it seems. And I know about these problems, because I ran into the same issue.

My first solution was to have an intro scene that was not FF. It introduced the FF, at the same time establishing tone and genre, and giving a taste of the premise.

But that wasn't enough. It was still too hard to build an interesting story. Then I had a breakthrough.

I started thinking, why not mix it? Some FF, some regular? And I researched it. It turns out this is how most FF films that are currently coming out are being done. The old Blair Witch angle is long used up. Which is good. Because now we'll get better movies.

Technically, it's not necessarily "found footage" that's being mixed. It's a combination of third person omniscient(regular) with first person(someone holds a camera, and is also a character in the film). One doesn't even have to account for the "found" aspect of the footage. So for example in this story, you can have a documentary crew filming the project. In the film we see, mixed in with the third person stuff: interviews with the project people, footage of the experiment, and perhaps shots of the documentary team itself. All we're really after from the "FF" aspect is a the bit of realism that comes from film created by characters in the scene. But you can still use the regular format to show things that no character would be filming.

This frees you do develop your story however you want now. But you can still market it as an FF script. Keep in mind that if you are going to try to sell this to people who are looking for FF, you need to have some long segments of FF type footage. That's how these companies save money. They let a guy run through the woods or something with a camera for 15 minutes at a time.

Good luck, D!
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darrentomalin
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Following some of the notes offered above, I've shuffled a few bits about, kind of Draft 1.5 which is now on the link above.
If anyone still wants the 1st draft for some reason it's available.

The Logline doesn't fit now, this is the new Logline:

A dejected intern for a mysterious company films a group of reckless scientists who accidentally unleash an alien force which proceeds to wipe them out one by one.

Anna is no longer a film student, she now works for the company and we get to the experiment a bit earlier. Vernon's role has changed, he is head of security and the facility is now underground.  That's the basics sorted, going to develop Anna's character some more and her relationship with Hayden in the next draft so any further notes/suggestions are more than welcome.
Thanks for everyone's help.


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leitskev
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that's a thousand times better! Seriously. That was quick. Good call on Vernon, great decision on Anna's reason for filming. Very nice adjustment, Darren. Reads much better too.
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darrentomalin
Posted: June 20th, 2012, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Been away from the forums lately, just seen your reply Leitskev, thanks!


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Busy Little Bee
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First of congrats on finishing such a script under such time constraints. Along with reading the script, I looked over some of the reviews as well, so I wouldn't repeat too much of what you've already heard.

I thought you did a good job of having scenes lead into the following scene. In each scene as the reader and audience i was able to ask a question that in order to find the answer, I had to precede to the next scene. I believe that is the first step and the actually content second because there are always a million choices to make, so the right choice is always up for debate. I believe this to be the best attribute of the story.

Along with that you had a few technique that one can usually find in a good story, having a human opponent as well as a creature. I agreed with the another reviewer who said if Hayden in the others new about the outcome because of the monkeys and rats why didn't they say anything. IMO, it might be more suspense and add to the attack if when Anne opens the room, it is the first time Hayden learns about. Now, this would take away from there conflict, but it ratchets up the action because not only do you have the big creature, but several smaller ones. Another thing I didn't understand was after Kepler changed why didn't they run tests on Warner, no one shows any concern about him. A common mistake of horror movies is the protagonist doesn't learn anything, not to say that there aren't good horror out there, you mentioned Alien. I wast wondering who was watching the tape, and what was there intentions after viewing, because in a sense this is a story telling form, all this video is telling someone a story. I know Alien doesn't end that way so maybe that's the reason for not taking that approach.

But good read, flowed from scene to scene well, character did their part, though they didn't leave much to chew on in concerns of their predicament, and some of the grammar did read awkwardly, but the whole camera shots wasn't as distracting as i thought it would be.

BLB


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