Lol. no worries Pia.

I just got a mixed review of like/dislike. 3 dislikes. And 1 positive like. lol.

Gabe

Wanted to let future readers know that I'm currently rewriting this (having figured out how to work with dropbox ). However, I will appreciate it that you still review this one since I'm basing my revisions on the comments I receive for this one.

Some of what people have suggested I should change are going to be inputted in the next revision while others are not. I apologize in advance if your suggestion doesn't make it. Nothing personal, I just see the story in a way. I still value your time and input though.

If you want a review exchange, let me know. I'm good for it. Ask around. These peeps will back me up.

Gabe

Hey Gabriel.  I finished reading the whole thing in about an hour... thanks for the quick read! lol

Btw, I read through some of the comments on this thread after I finished and I was surprised.  There was no confusion for me regarding who's telling the story, who's story he's telling, that he's breaking the 4th wall, etc.  It seemed pretty clear to me... and this is coming from someone who breezed through the whole thing in an hour...

Your choice to have Christian break the 4th wall and talk to us is an unusual and bold choice.  I was expecting a lot of people to criticize that for using it as a cheap way to feed exposition, and tell the audience what's going on.  I think if done right, there's nothing wrong with that.  I recall a film by Woody Allen, "Whatever Works", in which the main character broke the 4th wall consistently.  I think it worked for the most part here except when he's basically setting up the story or scene for us... I have to agree that in that case, it would be a cheap way to set up what's going on for the audience.  However, Christian did bring a lot of humor to the script.  As I read, I just couldn't help comparing Christian to the 'Mayhem' guy in the Allstate commercials... lol

This was a very interesting concept.  It intrigued me, and it pulled me in so I was able to get through it quite easily.  For me, it came off as very 'indie' and almost 'avant-garde' so it's tough for me to review this based on "normal" (sry, for lack of a better term, lol) scripts that I'm usually accustomed with.  There's not many issues with the story itself I can think of, though there's sorta something I was wondering... Why did Christian make Iago relive the same day unless he stopped Danny from proposing?  And why specifically make him not propose?  I couldn't find any reason for that, and I'm not even sure if there's supposed to be one.  But for that reason, it kinda felt like a random plot he just pulled out of a hat or something.  With the characters, I felt there was lacking a certain arc with Iago and the other characters... I wasn't sure what kind of person he was at the start and how he changes at the end.

It was a clean script, nice concise writing, few errors.  Except you still have a lot of "Alex"'s in the script instead of "Danny" and that confused me for a while until I figured out it was a typo.  Also, another one I remembered: "alter" should be "altar" (in the church scene).  Overall, it was an interesting, pretty fun script.  I wouldn't consider it horror at all though, just in my opinion.  More like a supernatural-themed comedy?  But it was decent.  Had a certain "Source Code"/"Groundhog Day" impression with the repeated day thing.  I don't know if this helps, but good luck with your revisions.

Hey Rock,

Thanks Rock for the review.

Quoted Text Btw, I read through some of the comments on this thread after I finished and I was surprised.  There was no confusion for me regarding who's telling the story, who's story he's telling, that he's breaking the 4th wall, etc.  It seemed pretty clear to me... and this is coming from someone who breezed through the whole thing in an hour...

I guess some people are going to get it, while others don't. I admit that when I started writing screenplays I didn't know shit. lol. I would come up with great concepts but, the story sucked. But I think I've improved from then. Like I said, I never intended this to be confusing. lol. It's really simple.  

Quoted Text Your choice to have Christian break the 4th wall and talk to us is an unusual and bold choice.  I was expecting a lot of people to criticize that for using it as a cheap way to feed exposition, and tell the audience what's going on.  I think if done right, there's nothing wrong with that.  I recall a film by Woody Allen, "Whatever Works", in which the main character broke the 4th wall consistently.  I think it worked for the most part here except when he's basically setting up the story or scene for us... I have to agree that in that case, it would be a cheap way to set up what's going on for the audience.  However, Christian did bring a lot of humor to the script.  As I read, I just couldn't help comparing Christian to the 'Mayhem' guy in the Allstate commercials... lol

It just felt right for some odd reason having Christian break the 4th wall. There are certain writing choices that just come to you and it fits. lol. I'm currently trying to balance that out revealing info vs. not revealing info. When I was writing it, I was aiming at the narrator in Fight Club.

Quoted Text This was a very interesting concept.  It intrigued me, and it pulled me in so I was able to get through it quite easily.  For me, it came off as very 'indie' and almost 'avant-garde' so it's tough for me to review this based on "normal" (sry, for lack of a better term, lol) scripts that I'm usually accustomed with.  There's not many issues with the story itself I can think of, though there's sorta something I was wondering... Why did Christian make Iago relive the same day unless he stopped Danny from proposing?  And why specifically make him not propose?  I couldn't find any reason for that, and I'm not even sure if there's supposed to be one.  But for that reason, it kinda felt like a random plot he just pulled out of a hat or something.  With the characters, I felt there was lacking a certain arc with Iago and the other characters... I wasn't sure what kind of person he was at the start and how he changes at the end.

I'm going to see if I can fix that "Why is this happening question?" and the change. Greg, Rb(King), and you have detected that. I didn't see it before. My mistake. I'm coming up with some ideas on how to fix that.

Quoted Text It was a clean script, nice concise writing, few errors.  Except you still have a lot of "Alex"'s in the script instead of "Danny" and that confused me for a while until I figured out it was a typo.  Also, another one I remembered: "alter" should be "altar" (in the church scene).  Overall, it was an interesting, pretty fun script.  I wouldn't consider it horror at all though, just in my opinion.  More like a supernatural-themed comedy?  But it was decent.  Had a certain "Source Code"/"Groundhog Day" impression with the repeated day thing.  I don't know if this helps, but good luck with your revisions.

Thanks for the review. I've changed Alex to Danny. Don't know how that slipped by. And will work on what others have mentioned.

Will get to your review soon. I have it downloaded on my tablet.

Gabe

I downloaded Facade to my ipad yesterday so I'm going to read it.

Hey Gabe,

So I was going to get around to your script after I’d finished the 7WC’s but this seems to have a bit of attention recently and I was curious so I opened it up.

A time loop story, very easy to come off as confusing but I do the like the reader friendly 78 pages.

As usual I’ll leave my analysis of your story after I’ve finished.

Here some notes I took during the read:

P.1 “A handgun in a un-gloved hand.” Why emphasise about the un-gloved hand which isn’t unusual really? Normally you would emphasise if the hand was gloved I thought. Also shouldn’t “a” be “an”

“The holder is a OLDER MAN” Again, shouldn’t this be “an OLDER MAN”

I feel there is a better way to word this opening passage which comes off awkward at the moment.

“the Older Man spots us.” Strikes me odd, who’s us? Do you mean us the reader or a character?

“He glances at the dead pair.” So the couple’s dead… why did he point the handgun on them before?

“We follow” A nasty “we” here but it’s used in a context as in us the reader.

This feels like a role-playing game where you play a character in the story… not sure how I feel about this at the moment.

“He passes several average cars till arriving at a sleek
convertible.”

Cut out the superfluous detail

“He arrives at a sleek, black convertible”

“The Older Man enters driver side.” Maybe just me but I would like to see a “the” after enters here for a smoother read. Same with the passenger side as well.

“drives out of the apartment building.” Reads awkward and needs garage added in for me, you actually could just have garage instead of apartment building. Just a thought.

“Ambulance and police SIRENS are heard approaching.”

I think it would be very difficult to differentiate the two sirens when playing together from a distance. I think

“SIRENS are heard approaching” is enough, that’s the important part.

P.2 “myself,...” Why a comma and ellipsis here? Just curious.

“CHRISTIAN (30, blond) now drives. He’s still dressed
business casual as before and bears the scratch on his left
cheek.”

Didn’t care for his intro, why wasn’t he blond before?
“now drives” Who was driving before?
It’s then repeated info which you’ve already told us.

“I’m Christian. One word name. I’m a
shape shifting demon that goes both
ways.”

I’m glad this is a comedy because this had me laughing straight away… what does he mean exactly?

“I just have a thing for males and for blonds.”

This guy/demon is really sending out the signals.

“However, right now, my job will be to provide you with entertainment, Iago.”

So is Iago a character or are we Iago? He’s talking to us right?

“Now, I highly doubt you will want me to talk throughout this whole movie. So, I’ll let the visuals speak for themselves and, I’ll jump in when I feel I need too. Let’s get started.”

So basically He’ll jump in when there’s exposition needed. This is certainly different so far, I’ll be honest and say I’m on the fence at the moment.

P.3 “This lasts for a brief moment before he pulls back his
hand.”

How can we see his hand pulling back if it’s darkness?

“EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ENTRANCE – NIGHT”

I’m guessing the same apartment building as before? If not then you might want to try and separate the two locations as this will confuse the read.

P.4 “INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - FIFTH FLOOR HALLWAY – NIGHT”

Wonder if you considered moving to mini-slugs here as we’re still inside the building?

“He arrives and” Unneeded, could just start “He walks over to”

“Danny’s cell RINGS.” Who’s Danny? How do I know it’s his phone?

“He finds the apartment key, unlocks the apartment door” “apartment used twice in succession here, doesn’t look right and one could be taken out for the better.

I’m a bit confused about Danny, all we can see is that he’s bald but blood spews from the back of his head so he must be facing upwards so can we see his face right? I’m just a bit confused about what I’m visualising here.

“Sprinkles of blood cover his face and front nightwear.”

Does Iago live in Danny’s apartment? Found it odd that he’s in his nightwear whatever that is?

“near by” I thought nearby was one word.

P.4/5 I wonder if a series of shots would be better for this scene of Iago cleaning up, feels like this would take a while on screen with the entire packing and mopping etc. Just a thought.

P.5 “Undetected by Iago” So Christian is visible to Iago?

“A unemployed twenty six year old turned writer.” I would get rid of “turned” here.

“He has enlisted my services to torment Iago.” How I wonder? I don’t know if “enlisted” is right word here, depends on how he means that line I guess?

“A police officer five years away from receiving his pension.”

I just suddenly thought, did I miss Danny’s age? Five years from his pension and Iago is 26… how big is the age gap?

“Stuffs the towel in the garbage bag and leaves.”

I’m concerned as he actually hasn’t put any clothes on after the shower? Is he walking around naked now?

P.6 Phew… He’s put some clothes on.

I’d watch out for the use of “Danny’s” here on the top of page 6. Gets a bit repetitive to be honest and we know we’ll in his bedroom so is it really needed?

“lifts the top mattress up” Top? I don’t understand, is there a bottom mattress?

“leaves the apartment.” I didn’t understand why this was on its lonesome and not attached to the paragraph above?

“He’s off getting Alex’s car.” Who’s Alex? I thought he grabbed Danny’s car keys?

“I have the ability to skip certain scenes, actions, etc.”

I’m not sure about this? It doesn’t read right for some reason.

“Well, because it’s my story and, it’s important for the ending.” Is this Christian or you, Gabe?

P.8 “Duffel bag strapped over the shoulder, Iago drags the
elongated garbage bag out.”

This comes off confusing as the slug states he’s in the foyer but then the elevator door opens so this would mean he’s still the elevator right? That means this line above is confusing, I’m unsure whether he’s dragging the bag from the elevator or the foyer? Just needs to be clearer IMO.

“sticks the elongated garbage bag and duffel bag in and shuts the door.”

Didn’t seem to have much trouble putting a body in the back seat, seems like it would be more difficult. Maybe add something about him "struggling” to get the bag in the back seat.

“through the passenger window.” So we’ll not going with them?

“EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST – NIGHT”

Don’t know about the slug being exactly what Christian said… why not just “FOREST”

P.9 “He fills up the hole as fast as possible.’ Think Christian might have to do one of his fast-forward tricks here… it would take a little while to fill up that hole. Or there’s the “later” option.

“His "night vision" allows him to see the ceiling. Blinks.”

Huh? Is he wearing goggles? I don’t understand as there’s been no mention of his “night vision” before?

“A DARK FIGURE stands over him” Wouldn’t he be able to see him with the night vision?

P.10 “Have it you’re way” Should be your.

“The black ring rests in the center.”Have we seen this ring before? I can’t remember it… it’s just you have “the” black ring like we should know instead of “A black ring”

“Picking the ring with one hand” I would add “up” after picking for a smoother read.

I’m guessing this ring has some relevance because you seem to have a lot to say about him tossing it around before catching it in his mouth… is it the engagement ring which was buried with Danny? If so, why is it black? Funny colour for an engagement ring.

“he kicks-up spitting out the contents” I don’t understand the kicks-up part? Is he putting his feet up? I think maybe he’s standing but I’m not sure.

“He stands” Sorry, it can’t be him standing as he goes on to do that… yeah not sure about that description “kicks-up”

Had to separate this over two posts.

Continuing on:

P.11 “flick of his finger” Wondered if this should be “click of his fingers”

“Christian hits Iago in the Adam’s apple.” And he’s eating an “apple”

“Christian steps back.” Huh? I just suddenly thought, where is he stepping? He was at Iago’s side but he’s hanging up in a tree, is Christian in the tree?

P.12 “You’re task” Your task.

“Christian stops about a yard away.” Again, I’m confused where he is at the moment?

“He comes running and (POW!)” There, you may need to add something about Iago falling from the rope trap if this is happening on the ground. Or change the earlier description and have Christian on the ground eating the apple.

Also not sure about the “pow” kinda of old Batman style wouldn’t you say.

And that is one high kick if Iago is still hanging, Van Damme would be proud.

P.12 “He’s 45, kempt, and a bit out of shape.” So about 20 years difference between the brothers, does feel quite long IMO and wonder if needs to be such a difference.

The “out of shape” line also references back to what I was saying earlier about him struggling with the elongated bag, gives it more realism.

“He still wears the nightwear he had the night he died.” This reads a tad awkward, why in his nightwear during the day?

“Danny senses Iago’s confused expression.” Wouldn’t he see this rather sensing it?

P.13 “INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT” I would add a flashback to the slug here or even better “quick flash” It wouldn’t add any extra space and make things a tiny bit clearer.

“Iago’s trying to answer that same question.” Feel this is unneeded and doesn’t read right.

“A answer comes to him.” A should be An

P.14 “INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - IAGO’S BEDROOM – DAY” Why a longer slug when before it was just “IAGO’S BEDROOM”?

“touching the back portion of Danny’s head.” Think you could cut “portion” from this sentence.

“Christian pops into the screen from the side.” He keeps popping in but what is he doing in between his scenes? I just keep imagining him standing there working over his lines for some reason.

P.15 “Do you know where’s my ring?” Reads very awkward, read it out loud.

“Iago’s caught off guard by this memory. He tries again.”

Can you be caught “off guard” by a memory? Not sure to be honest, I just know I never have.

“Iago’s now one hundred percent concerned.” Think this could be better handled. Try to show this concern in his actions like rushing from the room or going pale… just some visual to push this across.

P.16 “Danny is behind Iago.” Or “Danny stands behind Iago” Gets rid of that nasty “is”

“I checked the hallway, my bedroom,
the bathroom, living room. The only
place left is your room.”

What’s Danny checking for? A minute ago he was asking what he dreamt about and hugging.

P.18 “She’s coming over. She
called this morning and, I told her
to come over. I have her call in my
cell. I’ll show it to you.”

This line of dialogue reads all wrong. Why state she’s coming over then say “I told her to come over” And how can he show him a call on his cell? Is it a voice/text message?

“I’m going to step away, alright?” I was a little confused by this line and then…

“Iago steps away.” Has he just stepped to the side? I don’t get why you tell someone you’re stepping aside? If you’re going out or something I can understand but this sounds so unnatural to me. And he has just literally stepped to the side, hasn’t left the room or anything.

“Iago recognizes that name, Christian. O.S., someone KNOCKS
on the apartment door.” I would change the place of that O.S here, it tripped me up and would also work at the end of the sentence to avoid any confusion.

P.20 Iago gazes at Christian like he’s an alien from outer
space. Or a demon from hell.

“Sacred shit, Iago waits for the answer.” That’s one special piece of shit. Think you mean scared but I would get rid of “shit” doesn’t add anything to the sense that he’s scared.

“starts getting dressed” Just right there in front of Danny and Christian.

P.21 “Do you know where the ring is?” Now that sounds more natural.

“GIANNA (late 20s, pornstar hot)” If she’s hot then it raises the question of why she’s with a over-weight 45 year old police officer who lives in an apartment with his brother? Just a thought and it may yet be revealed.

P.22 “Christian presses first floor.” Might want to add “button” in here somewhere.

“Christian gives Iago that "you know what I’m talking about"
look.”

There has now been a few of these, they’re okay in small quantities but try not to go overboard IMO, and they can become tiresome.

P.23 “And no, I’m not him that your thinking of.” Think that “And no, I’m not him” would work a lot better here especially either the line that follows. Just a thought.

“Christian gives us that "Is this guy serious?" look before
looking back at Iago.” And here’s another one of these looks, I would calm down on this.

I don’t like Iago’s response “anything” to the question, this sounds too neutral, he seemed to push this as in he wanted to see something specific and then this answer… maybe I missed something.

P.24 “The fact that your brother and brother’s girlfriend” Why doesn’t he use their names?

“Grins. Christian stands and starts the elevator.” This read odd, why not “Christian grins, stands and starts the elevator”

“Christian closes the elevator door.” How? Does he literally pull the doors close? Either they would close on their own or you have to push the button from within the elevator which Christian just walked out of.

Right I’ve stopped at page 26 for now and will continue as time allows.

Well I can see why there was a bit of confusion at the beginning and I have to be honest and say I don’t understand all this “we” in the story.

It seems to have no relevance, if you took it away then it probably wouldn’t affect the plot too much, okay you’d have to throw in some more exposition from the characters but otherwise, I don’t see too much would change.

It can come off confusing at the moment, it seems Iago killed Danny and is now reliving that day? Why he killed Danny or why a demon called Christian is making him relive that day are still a bit unclear to me at the moment? Obviously this could be better explained as I read on so I hold judgement.

One thing that has concerned me is the lack of comedy in this first act, it’s supposed to be a dark comedy but I haven’t found much of it funny to be honest. Yes, comedy is subjective and all but I think the majority would fail to find any comedy here but this is just my amateur opinion.

Should continue on over the weekend, time permitting of course.

Hope this helps.

Steve
    

Thanks Coop,

Appreciate the review. It doesn't matter if someone's an amateur. It still counts.

I'll answer some issues for now. I'll get to the rest later:

The use of "We". I know it's a no-no in screenwriting. However, I felt it was appropriate since Christian talks to us. He breaks the 4th wall. The other characters, Iago, Danny, and Gianna, are not aware of the 4th wall being broken. It's like Ferris Bueller or Funny Games. Not sure why people are confused about it.  

Alex. Alex is supposed to be Danny. I'm changing every Alex to Danny. My bad.  

There are some misspellings like sacred shit. lol. My bad again. Trying to fix it.

I tried making this a simple, quick read. So instead of "he enters the driver side", I'll put "He enters driver side". It's still the same message, just shorter.

I'll change the ring. This was a short for a Soul Shadows Series we had on SS. A bunch of writers wrote shorts dealing with an object. I chose a black ring.  I think I'll change it to a diamond ring.  

I think you might not be pleased with the ending or with the scene that's coming up.  When you read it, rest assured that I removed it. lol. I'm experimenting with a lot of stuff in this script that I'm planning to use in my writing from now on.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Jumping back into your script today.

P.26” Me either. But it happened.”

What are they remembering here? Seems strange that Danny would remember himself being dead? Maybe it doesn’t mean this but it reads that way.

“And who did I hear it from?” Yeah, who? He doesn’t actually tell us.

“I can’t remember them” How convenient.

“Iago stays silent.” I wonder why you throw this action in twice here on this page? It is to stop Danny’s dialogue being too long? Just feels redundant.

P.27 “I had a blackout.” Now I understand what they’re talking about… I would have this at the start of the conversation to stop confusion.

Isn’t Danny concerned about going to get himself checked out? He’s not mentioning anything about going to see a doctor or going to the hospital… thought he might be a tad more concerned.

“Gianna bought some Chinese food” When? She wasn’t carrying any when she left the elevator? Think you might have mentioned something about her carrying a paper bag of food.

“Want?” Think this should be extended “Want some of this food, Iago?” It doesn’t read right and she could mean anything.

P.28 “Unnoticeable, Christian speaks to us.” Might want to rephrase this, I don’t think you mean he’s unnoticeable to us?

“After all he’s
experienced especially the
elevator incident, Iago went to
sleep ...the...whole...day.”

A lot wrong with this line I’m afraid, worse being that it sounds like a fairy tale childrens book. There’s also a double space between “experience” and “incident” maybe there was supposed to be a comma there? Spotted a few times where it looked double spaced in the middle of dialogue... maybe it's your software.

“A fake, disgraced look from Christian.” Why is he faking a look?

P.29/30 A personal nitpick, the dialogue goes over two pages here and it’s something that looks messy IMO.

“I checked the my bedroom, foyer” Take out “the”

“Iago looks at Danny for any sign if his joking.” I’d reword this line, reads awkward as is.

“ALEX’S BEDROOM” Okay I won’t mention it again, I know you’re aware of it. Was Danny originally called Alex?

I don’t think a montage is needed here, it’s just all repeated info and scenes… You can have Iago think about it but I see no reason to show it.

P.31 “Probably nervous in proposing to Gianna.” Change “in” for “about” for a smoother read.

Has Iago really got Christian as a contact in his phone, it’s a demon. Also why has a powerful demon got a phone, can’t see him going down to Vodafone to sort out a phone plan.

“CHRISTIAN
(from cell)”

Shouldn’t this be (V.O)?

P.32 “How does he look like?” Should this be “What does he look like?”

“Iago hands the cell over with Christian’s picture on to
Danny.”

Cut “to Danny” pretty obvious and will clear up this orphan. I would keep an eye out for orphan’s… not something I’m particularly bothered about but I have spotted quite a few and they could be easy fixes.

P.33 “The guy’s a demon who wants to punish me for not killing you.”

I thought he was punishing him for killing Danny? I thought he was supposed to relive the day he killed Danny? I find it strange that he’s getting punished for not killing Danny? I mean Christian was hired by Danny or so he said… yeah things still haven’t become clear yet?

“clearly not expecting that.” I think this can go, you’re stating the obvious as in us the reader know this. If he wasn’t surprised, that would be worth mentioning.

“He’s wants to hurt me.” Should be “he”.

“Don’t go outside. Problem solved.” Really! Isn’t Danny a cop, think he would be more clever than this. Honestly, it’s an apartment, not Fort Knox.

“he might use Gianna to get you.” Think should be “Gianna to get to you”

“How would I come up with this crazy story?” I would get rid of this line.

P.34 “I can’t multitask.” This will please a few readers, well my partner always tells me men can’t multitask.

“(late 20’s, dark haired, and bears a scratch
on his left cheek).”

Why do you do all your descriptions in parenthesis like this? Just curious.

P.35 “Might if I use your bathroom?” Should be “mind if I use your bathroom?”

OFFICER WILLIE
Can you get me some water?

Should he be (O.S)? We haven’t changed slugs.

“How’s the day going?” Would you ask this question with what’s happening? And isn’t it morning still?

P.37 “Christian smiles and drags Danny’s body into Iago’s room.”

Why did he drag Danny’s body into the living room just too instantly drag it out to Iago’s room? It’s just extra work for himself.

It’s just occurred to me that with Danny dead, he won’t be able to propose to Gianna so has Iago achieved his mission… I’m guessing not.

P.38 DANNY
One Mississippi...Two
Mississippi...Three
Mississippi...Four...Five
Mississippi...Six
Mississippi...Seven
Mississippi...Eight...Nine
Mississippi...Ten.

There has got to be another way to do this through action like

            DANNY
      One Mississippi…

Danny continues to count to 10 Mississippi.

It would look a lot nicer on the page. Just a thought.

“A couple of minutes pass before he returns” So are we literally watching the closet for two minutes? I don’t think we are so you can cut the start of this sentence. Just start with “He returns…”

P.40 “Gianna sits opposite of him.” No need for “of” here “Gianna sits opposite him.”

P.41 “A lot of bullshit talking is going to take place now.”

He doesn't have to be that honest.

Okay, so I laughed at the sex scene between Gianna and Danny. The dialogue is just laughable here, maybe that was your intention... I’m not sure? I don't know how everyone will feel about it but it did make me giggle for some reason.

Also thought that Danny was into blond males?

P.42 “An O face of outrage from Gianna.” I have absolutely no idea what this means?

This scene needs some work and goes into spoof territory for me. Nothing reads right throughout and although I laughed, I think it was for all the wrong reasons.

P.44 I know I said I wouldn’t mention it again but Alex is talking here?

P.45 “the alter” Altar. And again on page 47.

I would get rid of the priest’s service unless it’s important? I just found it boring but I’m not the religious type. I just felt you could have started then had a “later” thrown in to push it along or get Christian to do his trick here.

I would also cap worshipers as they speak in the scene as you have it.

P.47 Sir, I would need to ask you to leave? Take out “would” or better yet “Sir, I need you to leave”

Also Christian dancing his way to altar to hip hop music… I’m really not following.

P.48 “Worshipers either hide and call on the cops” Take out “on” To be fair, the whole sentence is a bit of a mouthful and could be split up for the better.

P.49 “He raises his eyebrows like Groucho Marx.” Why is he doing this?

I have no idea what Christian is talking about? Maybe I’m being stupid but who is Mr. Y?

The last five pages have just flown straight over my head I’m sorry to say.

Again had to spread over two posts.

Continuing on:

P.50 “The name of the song you are listening to is...” Nice marketing ploy.

“Iago plops down at the chair.”

Shouldn’t this be “plops “on” the chair”

“Danny senses Iago’s confusion.”

Again, Danny seems to be sensing people’s emotions… why not give this some visual strength.

P.52 “Iago re-thinks about it again.” How will this look on screen. Is he stopping every time and actually thinking for a few seconds… it’s harming the flow sometimes.

P.53 I’m no grammar expert by any means but I would watch out for the placement of your comma’s. A few seem to be positioned wrong and it can affect the rhythm of the read. Just a thought.

P.54 “What’s the police’s protocol for that?” Protocol on what? Revealing your crime to an angel.

“I guess that will work.”

I don’t understand why he doesn’t just tell Danny here, and stop with all the lies about the book.

Also Danny and Gianni seem rather gullible and oblivious to what’s happening. Don’t they wonder why he’s leaving the apartment instead of writing?

P.55 Christian tells us we’re not going to the police station because it’s no fun. Iago fighting himself sounds like a lot of fun to me… more fun than that Church scene before anyway.

“Iago slams his face against the small window on the door.” This reads awkward, almost like he’s slamming his own face into the glass? I thought he was fighting one of Christian’s friends?

“Next day.” Iago’s clocking up the penalty fees now.

“Danny enters from the hallway and searches the living room.”

I did understand what you’re doing here but I would add a transition “next day” Something to break it here unless it could confuse some readers.

P.56 “Or I’ll fucking kill if you don’t.” Missing “you” after kill.

Wow! Danny seems to take the abuse rather well, too well if you ask me.

Secondly, it’s Danny’s apartment. If Iago really cared and didn’t want to do anything, wouldn’t he leave himself?

P.57 “Iago remains silent. He knows he’s going to lose.” More of this “remains silent” business. Need to calm down on this.
Also, what’s he going to lose?

P.58 “This is gay.” He said it! There’s been a gay undercurrent throughout, the odd reference here and there. Don’t know if this was intentional?

“a inescapable hold” Should be “an”

“Working out and salsa.” That’s the secret formula. What is Danny talking about? I thought he was the overweight one of the two?

P.59 Watch out for “your” and “you’re.” I’ve now seen few issues of this now where one should be used instead of the other.

“Get yourself ready.” I thought he had just woken up but he’s being told to get ready to go out tonight? The time has been really confusing, what time is he supposed to be waking up each time during the day? I assumed it was morning but sometimes it doesn’t feel like from their actions.

I think some “morning” “afternoon” slugs are in order sometimes during the story. Just to help the reader understand what time it is.

“Iago remains silent.” Here’s that line again, becoming repetitive now. Try to mix it up a bit.

“I can’t make you spend on me.” Reads unnatural to me, some of the dialogue could do with some work.

Well that was a real soppy moment… But this doesn’t change anything and I can’t see how Iago going to a club is going to help his situation. He went from warning Danny off to going clubbing with him and Gianni.

P.60 “compassionate” Why is Christian compassionate? Seems out of character.

P.61 “A inebriated Danny” Wow! Now that’s a word for “wasted” I had to look it up.

“Go out and dance then.” Shouldn’t dance be teach?

I wonder if you need some mini-slugs for different areas to break up some of this action in the club.

“Iago moves from Danny and Gianna” When did he move beside them? I must have missed it.

P.62 Those “gay” signals are coming back here in the bathroom.

P.63 “You’re guess” Another instance, should be your.

P.64 “Post pone” Postpone is one word.

P.65 Christian isn’t on screen during the call so shouldn’t he be (O.S) on the phone call.

Didn’t Danny see or hear Iago talking on the phone? Isn’t he interested?

P.69 “Well, I came out of my room when I blacked out. Where were you?” This strikes me as an odd question. He knows where he was because he just woke up in bed.

“What if it’s a mental illness” Finally he’s concerned, it took him a long time though.

P.70 “12:00.” I think “noon” or “mid-day” would work better.

P.71 More wrestling from the brothers. It’s like their teenagers at times, they’re so childish. Danny’s supposed to be a 45 year old police officer.

P.72 I don’t understand where Danny is getting all this inhaling toxic fumes from.

P.73 The scenes are beginning to move a lot faster now but that might be down to seeing this scene with Iago waking up keep playing over and over again.

P.74 “You never said this.” This should be that.

P.75 “it would like Danny’s sleeping.” Missing “look” after would.

“and drinks from a gallon of water.” That was sudden, where did he get it from in the kitchen?

P.77 “Iago closes his eyes.” And suddenly Danny is (O.S) Are we seeing this through Iago’s P.O.V? It wasn’t mentioned.

P.78 “That doesn’t make me liar.” Missing “a” after me.

“It makes him stupid for not having figured it out.” That makes two of us I’m afraid.

And again how can we see anything in darkness?

So, you said I wouldn’t like the ending and you’re absolutely right. I have to be honest and say this ending really is poor and needs to be changed. I’ve never known anything to end like this, he basically tells us that the protag didn’t find out his goal so I’m ending it here.

And let’s be clear on what exactly he missed because I missed it as well. So at the beginning we meet Iago who has killed his brother. We find out that Danny (and this never gets made clear) has enlisted Christian to torment Iago.

So firstly, where did he enlist a demon? I’m guessing in the afterlife after he died, which would mean he went to hell right? I mean I doubt heaven hires out tormentors for the day.

So anyway after dumping Danny, Christian tells Iago that he has to relive that day he killed Danny. Okay, I kinda see this, he wants to torment him by making him kill his brother every day. It’s a horrible thing to do so reliving it would be like eternal hell.

But what he’s told is that he has to do is stop Danny from proposing to Gianni, pretty simple.

He then finally goes onto do this only to be told that this wasn’t what he needed to do. It ends basically with us getting told what he needed to do… The end.

Now to me that is damn confusing, why Danny would hire someone to stop himself from marrying Gianni is strange for starters.

What’s even stranger is when Iago wakes up after his first encounter with Christian, he never shows any signs of being that killer we saw before who killed and dumped Danny’s body. There is never a hint of killing Danny for whatever reason until the final 5 pages when he figures that is what he must do.

Now that is an immediate change in character wouldn’t you say? I mean what drove him to kill Danny and be in this situation in the first place? There is some story that comes out about him being jealous but this didn’t ring true enough for me.

So the overall story wasn’t for me I’m afraid to say. It was too unconventional with so many plot holes that I think anybody would struggle to fill them up. Just too many questions left once finished for me sorry to say. (Who was the couple in the garage in the first scene?)

The characters could have been better developed and most failed to make an impact for me.

Iago was very unlikeable and the fact that we never found any motivation for him until late didn’t help. For starters why did he kill Danny? That was a massive question you threw out there in the opening pages, we see him bagging him and dumping him in the forest? Why?

When his reason became apparent vary late on, it was too juvenile for my liking and for this reason and many other’s I just didn’t care about his story.

Danny was probably the most likeable of the bunch, I mean he was the poor bastard who got killed about 4-5 times during the story so you got to feel a little sorry for him.

But again, he didn’t have enough substance. We never found out anything about him really. Anything we did find out or know was through that exposition from Christian in the opening pages.

Gianni was just weak and had nothing to do, all she did was bring Chinese food around… you need to give her some more meaning to these characters.

I found it strange that you didn’t use her as the reason why the brother’s relationship is so heated and Iago killed Danny. Maybe they both love and want her. It certainly would up the ante between them and give Gianni more to do.

Which brings us to Christian. Don’t get me wrong, he had personality and was certainly your joker in the pack, the difference here.

But on the whole and apart from some very cute lines (some I don’t even know if you intended that way) He was just irritating, sorry.

All he did was break up any story or character development you had going. He basically was our DVD controller, he skipped the scenes we didn’t want to see only he was in control of it and we all know how men like to keep hold of the controller.

I think the funny demon thing can work and it’s been done many times before. I remember a show called Reaper where the devil played by Ray Wise was damn funny and he stole very scene he was in. What I’m saying is this character could work but they way you’ve played it with him being some kind of game show host just didn’t work for me.

The writing was okay and you definitely broke the action up well, tons of white space on the page which is always nice to see.

Some concerns would be your phrasing and can come off awkward at times and disrupts the flow.

Other things like repetitive sentences and what not I’ve mentioned in the notes.

Also keep an eye on your character movements during certain scenes, I remember one where Iago was supposed to be hanging up in a tree but Christian was walking around beside him?

The dialogue is in need of some work and comes off very unnatural at times but dialogue is difficult and this is a first draft so I wouldn’t expect it to be right up to scratch.

Onto the “4th wall” debate and all of the “we” Good on you for trying something new or different if you like but for me it didn’t work and had no bearing on the main story. I actually thought it harmed your story and is something you should consider changing. Just my thoughts.

The day loop thing you did okay, it’s always a difficult task to do the same scene over and over and not make it repetitive but on the whole, think you did a good job.

The comedy was lacking IMO and I never really saw this as a comedy or horror to be honest. There were a few graphic scenes but they’re few and far between.

So overall, I personally feel this needs a lot of work with certain aspects needing to go. While all the characters need to be fleshed out more.

One area which needs to be changed and I can’t stress this enough is your ending… it’s all well making 90 percent of your script great but if that ending isn’t changed, the audience will feel cheated. Just a thought.

Well done for getting a feature done in such a short time but I feel you need to go back to drawing board with one. Sorry, Gabe.

Hope this helps.

Steve

Hey Coop, thanks for the review.

The amount of work you've put your in review I will return back with replying...until you have your feature posted.   

Gabe

He  Gabe, figured I owe you a read as I’m pretty sure I said I’d read your ‘Max’s Travelling Circus’ script and never got round to it.  As this seems to be your latest I thought I’d give this a read.

I notice Coop has given you a pretty in depth review so I’ll no doubt cover some old ground here but I didn’t want to read his notes as I wanted an open mind on this.

A couple of early typo’s but I won’t dwell on them, I always some too.

‘Us’ and ‘we’ are always frowned upon but I’m not sure how you would get round it here.  You obviously want some camera direction...also sometimes frowned upon lol.

Top of page 2, you introduce Christian as the ‘Older Man’ and then tell us that he still wears the same clothes and has the same scar? Why wouldn’t he, he’s just got in the car hasn’t he? This confused me as to whether more time had elapsed than I thought?

The first few pages were interesting and I get the feeling this could be a very different read?  Interesting how Christian is talking to us, Iago...are ‘we’ Iago?

Page 4; Danny’s cell rings?  Who’s Danny and how do we know it’s his cell that’s ringing in the apartment?  It’s a bit confusing this bit as at first I thought we’d gone into the apartment.

How long would it take Iago to clean up Danny’s body?  It’s only a few lines but I think it would be a minute or more on screen.

So are we no Iago?  We, the viewer, can now see him, right?

Okay, I’m back in the know.  Christian’s sent by Danny to right his murder at the hands of Iago?  Who are we, the viewer?  Wait, I’ve lost it again.  Are we a new Demon and learning from Christian?  I hope I find out.

I like Christian’s dialogue, very funny.  When he say’s he’s going to skip to Iago at the car, why then do we see him exiting the building with the body, I thought this was going to be cut?  Also, who is Alex?

The Motel scene confused me.  Is Iago wearing Night vision goggles?  It also reads like P.O.V. scene, with the blinks and the figure appearing as his eyes re-open.

Page 10 ‘you’re way’, should be ‘your way’  Again on page 12.

How high is Iago in the tree as Christian is beside him?  Is Iago dead then?

Okay I’m on page 12 and the ‘smash to black’ so I’ll quickly some up my thoughts so far.  As you can tell, I’ve had a few problems following some of the action but the story is very interesting.  Christian’s a good narrator and he’s keeping the story moving well, it’s a very different approach from what I was expecting.  I’m interested to see where you go with the rest of the story.  I’d say you need to clean up a few mistakes; Danny/Alex being one.  I’m guessing you changed character names and a few slipped through.

Page 15, ‘Do you knows where my ring’.  Not sure this makes sense?

Page 19, You have a slug for ALEX’S APARTMENT?

Iago and Danny seem to get along well, weird when the night before Iago ‘murdered’ him.  I know he’s freaked out by the fact that he’s now not dead but if Danny has no problems with Iago, why the thought of murder?  Was Iago jealous of Gianna?

Would Danny not wonder who Christian was?

‘pornstar hot’ lol, love this!

Iago leaves with Christian but returns alone after a few minutes.  Would Danny not wonder why he’s back and why Christian’s not with him?

Something just dawned on me, isn’t Danny in his forties? Why is a ‘pornstar hot’ girl dating him when he clearly isn’t rich?

Danny says ‘Me either, but it happened and who did I hear it from’?  Not sure I get this remark?  If it’s to do with Iago bashing in his brothers head with the baton then why does Danny seem to know this.  Iago never mentioned how he killed him in his ‘dream’, just that he did.

Gianna brought food but you never said she had it when she left the elevator?

Top of page 30, Danny says, ‘I checked the my bedroom...’, think ‘the’ should be ‘in’?

I’ve noticed a lot of ‘thinking about things and thinking back’ descriptions.  Some like this ‘thinks back to what Christian said in the forest’ don’t work for me.  How do we know that he’s thinking of this specific time?  The V.O. should tell us all we need to know.

Typo page 31. Christian on the phone says ‘...nothing compared to what your going to get from me’.  Should be ‘you’re’.

Same page Danny says ‘How does he look like?’  Should be ‘What’, I think?

Why does Danny text Gianna immediately after phoning her?  Oh wait, did he leave a voice message so felt the need to text too?

Danny’s assumption that this guy might want Gianna to get to Iago is a big one.  Iago blurts out that someone wants to hurt him and, I know Danny’s a cop but, he goes all paranoid and stuff.  Also Danny gets one of his friends, I assume a cop, to check the building.  Why didn’t he check, he’s got a baton and a gun in the apartment hasn’t he?

Okay I just went back to the start to check something.  Is Willie actually Christian, scratch on cheek but different coloured hair?  Interesting if it is...maybe not as Iago didn’t recognise him.

Page 35 typo, ‘Might if I use your bathroom?’ Should be ‘Mind’.

Page 36, Alex re-appears.

How would we know Christian/Danny is wearing one of Iago’s shirts, does it not fit him properly?

‘A couple of minutes pass’, not sure this is good. Iago is sat in the closet for a couple of minutes and nothing happens.

If Iago’s in the closet while Gianna and Christian/Danny are right outside in Danny’s bedroom, why doesn’t he make some noise.  Could he not bang something and muffle scream?

Bottom of page 41, Alex again.

I’m guessing Christian/Danny went for some backdoor pleasure with Gianna?  Hence why she gave an ‘o’ face?

So far...Iago kills his brother Danny because he’s jealous but Christian intervenes and Danny is resurrected.  Iago is given the task of preventing Danny from proposing to Gianna but when he messes up Christian takes control of Willie’s body and kills Danny before changing into Danny and killing both Gianna and Iago?  Why?  Am I missing something or will this become clearer toward the end?  I don’t understand why Christian wants Iago to stop Danny from marrying Gianna, she’s not a blonde male lol.

Page 44, Alex in dialogue and description.

I like the image on Christian dancing to hip-hop in the church but it raises another question for me.  It’s a ridiculous sight and very funny but a few minutes earlier Christian was basically raping Gianna after cutting Iago’s eyelids off.  I’m not sure which genres this is drifting between.  I did find it funny though lol.  The speech from Christian, although humorous is a tad long too.

Page 53, Alex.

The dialogue on page 54 confused me.  Iago says he wants to find the Angel and that his ‘character’ has gotten away with murder but Danny says they can’t arrest you for something you haven’t done?  He’s just said he did it and what has going to the Police got to do with find the Angel?

Iago tells Danny to leave and his response is to ‘talk about it’.  Isn’t it Danny’s place?  Would he not tell Iago to piss off?

Danny gives Iago a speech about staying shape to get the girls, isn’t he ‘out of shape’?  He also says ‘we’re going out tonight, get yourself ready’, he’s just got up hasn’t he, is it an all day session?  Also Christian has warned Iago that he must stop Danny from proposing to Gianna before the day is out but we skip the day and it’s night at the club.  Did Gianna not come over and has the events changed?

Iago smushes with Christian lol

Iago’s response to being back in the bedroom is great.  His attitude comes across as ‘can’t be arsed anymore’ and is works well.

Page 68, ‘A idea hits Iago’, should ‘An’.

Same page Iago says ‘Must forgot I put it there’, should be ‘must’ve’.

Why does Danny ask Iago where he was when they blacked out?  Iago was in his room when Danny entered?

Page 69 ‘your crazy look’, should be ‘you’re crazy look’.

Iago is adamant he is not leaving with Danny then he just changes his mind and goes.

Page 75, ‘it would like Danny’s sleeping’, missed out ‘look’.

Same page, photos of Alex.

Iago closes his eyes and then Danny’s dialogue is V.O.  If this is the case it should be ‘fade to black’ or something as ‘we’ can still see Danny.

Got to say the ending didn’t work for me.  I was waiting for some twist or Iago suddenly realising what he had to do but it just ended with Christian saying he should do what he did on the first night.  This then leads me to think, what was all about then?

I re-read the beginning and then wondered who the couple were that Christian shot?  Who are ‘we’ that travels with Christian in the car?  Who is Mr. Parks?  Who sent Christian and what was the real task about?  If Iago killed Danny and seemingly got away with it why did Christian bring Danny back and make Iago do the whole thing all over again with the brief that he had to stop the proposal but really he just had to kill Danny and get away with it?  It’s far too confusing for me.

Iago doesn’t really try too hard to stop Danny proposing either.  Could he not have just asked him to think about it for a few more days?  This seems academic anyway as we never see Danny propose to Gianna.  This would have made a better ‘finger clicking time’.  Every time Danny got down on one knee, we bounce back to the previous day.

Danny seems much younger than 45, what with all the wrestling and the hot chick girlfriend.  He also seems to get on very well with Iago which makes his murder at the hands of his brother seem all the more stupid.

Maybe if Iago was jealous of Gianna and flirted with her, it would at least give an inclination of why he would want to bump off his brother.  At the moment there seems no reason at all.  Okay Iago has no job but he’s living with his much older brother who appears to be a fantastic guy, I just see why he would want him dead.  Iago said Danny got more from their parents but there’s evidence of this, what if Danny got the apartment from them and Iago got squat?

I did find some things funny.  The ground hog day thing was good and iago’s enthusiasm drained every time Danny came in asked about the ring.  The gore seemed a bit out of place and the story would probably work better without it.

It’s a decent idea but at the moment it’s too confusing and the main problem is that your protag has no real goal.  He doesn’t achieve anything and the story seemingly runs out and you give us no ending, thus leaving us feel a bit cheated.

I hope you find something helpful from these notes.

Hey alffy,

Thanks for the review. I will definitely respond to each comment soon. However, I'm currently rewriting this script. Once done, I will respond back.

Thanks again,
Gabe

Gabe, so here's an offer...I'll happily check out the rewrite if you want?

Sure, Alffy.

But you got to let me know what script you would like me to read of yours. I would prefer a feature since this is a feature.

I forgot to mention that most of your issues were also mentioned. I have fixed some. I'm still working on the other issues. lol

Gabe