No worries about reading anything of mine.  I've only two features and ones is well old.  Don't know if you read the other called 'Pub Lunch'? You can read it if you want but don't put yourself out.  I don't mind reviewing scripts from regulars who take the time to post back.  Just let me know when the rewrite is up.

No problem then. Thanks Alffy. I'll prob have it up soon cause of dropbox. Best thing ever! .

Gabe

I've got dropbox but have no idea how it works?

I sent you a pm. Dropbox is so beautiful.

Some I’m about half way through and wanted to give a little review before I forgot what I was going to say. As far as your narrative you do tend to tell what’s going on, and that carries over to Christian who tells us what’s going on. This leaves little room for subtext. I’m not sure why Iago murdered his brother in the first place cause that he’s not a character I feel too sorry for.

Christian becomes intrusive keeps popping up before things even happen. Your opponent, Christian is way stronger than Iago and all we see is Christian attacking and Iago not attacking back. Maybe this will all change, but I’m going to try and finish reading in order to help.

A pitfall in your premise is how do you avoid becoming repetitive cause he’s doomed to repeat the scene. Tough task.

BLB

Thanks BLB

I'm currently revising this at the moment, but still appreciate your view on it. Hopefully, I can have the revised version posted up today. And then, get to answering some comments that were left by Coop, alffy and you.


Gabe

Wanted to let people know I posted up the revised version. Been working on this one a lot since I'm planning to submit this to Shriekfest tomorrow. lol.

CHANGES:
Deleted 2 scenes (rape scene and ending)
Added 3 new scene (that include a new ending)
Deleted some of Christian's dialogue
Shortened scenes

Thanks to all for your input. I tried to incorporate as much of the reviews into the script while keeping my style in.

Will appreciate any reviews.

New logline:  A young man struggles to figure out how to stop reliving the day he killed his brother. 67 pgs.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley CHANGES: Deleted 2 scenes (rape scene and ending) Added 3 new scene (that include a new ending).

I'm glad to hear you've changed the ending, Gabe. It honestly didn't work the way you had it.

I also see that this is 67 pages now... is that right? You must have cut quite a bit.

Hey Coop,

I changed the ending for something better, I hope. According to Greg, he loved it and wanted what I wrote as the ending. lol. Gary commented on the same thing too so, I tried to  make the script aim for that ending.

I shortened or combined a lot of scenes together based on the reviews I got. I tried my best to incorporate as much as possible while still keeping my style.  My main focus for this script was always Iago. No one else. I think I accomplished that. Going to revise today for the last time before I submit this to Shriekfest today. Any reads would be appreciated. I'll understand if it's not possible. lol.  

Gabe  

PS. I will get to commenting the reviews left on here soon. I just want to finish this first.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Going to revise today for the last time before I submit this to Shriekfest today. Any reads would be appreciated. I'll understand if it's not possible. lol.

Sorry, Gabe. I didn't have any time to give this another read before you submitted. Also, I don't think a revised version is up yet? I wish you all the best with Shriekfest.

Hey Coop,

The revised version is up. Dropbox is beautiful.

I actually cut two more pages out of this before submitting this to Shriekfest. lol.

But any review is helpful.

Thanks for the best wishes,
Gabe

So now you're at 65 pages, Gabe?  Is that where you want to be fro a feature length script?  I don't see how that makes any sense, personally.

Hey Jeff,

According to Shriekfest, a feature is a script above 50 pages. Each contest has their own definition of what constitutes a feature.

I think my script is fine now. I eliminated what I felt was bs, tried to incorporate as much of the helpful advice I received from others, and kept the focus on Iago. I'm coming back to this later on and revise it. But for now, I'm going to take a break from it and work on MTC.  

On a positive note, it's going to be a interesting, quick read.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.  I buzzed through your story today, at a terse 65 pages.  I tend to move anything less than 75 pages to Shorts -- but that is for strangers on the boards -- so I will let this sit where it is unless you specifically request a move.

I can easily spot the influences from the SoulShadows series, recognizing some portions of your entry into that series, and I liked that.

I also liked that this might be the most coherent piece you have ever written.  I think you already know you have a tendency to get ahead of yourself and confuse the reader, but that never happened here.

I am not sure how much has changed since your first posting, but I am happy to report that I followed everything just fine, even with all of your time-bending elements in place.  So, well done on that.

I think I get what you are doing with the character of Christian.  He is equal parts amusing and menacing, and while effective for the most part, you do sometimes lay it on kind of thick.  The scene at the church was wonderfully absurd, however.  I am not sure what it had to do with moving the story forward, but it certainly worked for what it was. I am not crazy about the website reference at the end, however.

While you did a good job differentiating the brothers as far as describing them, this did not carry over into their dialogue.  Their speech patterns were very similar -- as I suppose might be the case with brothers -- but you might review the dialogue looking for ways to make them sound distinct.  That is a fine point of writing dialogue, but one that it is ultimately necessary to master.

Gianna is kind of a throwaway character here, and it might be good if you could find a bit more for her to do than walk around with bags of Chinese food.

And you definitely need to fix something on page 55 -- the expression is "nip it in the bud", not what you have haha.

So I enjoyed this, Gabe, and I think the length is appropriate for this tale, though it does fall a bit short of a feature.  Do not lengthen it by too much, as I feel it is mostly right where it should be.

SPOILERS!

Thanks Bert.

Appreciate the read and that you liked it.

My focus was always on Iago's arc and I feel I accomplished that.  

I could expand this a bit more but, I'm going to wait a while until I do. I have some ideas in what to expand upon but, I'm still unsure how to do so. Nevertheless, 65 pgs is a good stopping point. lol.

the church scene- I love that scene. lol. It was intended to show Iago that Christian can't be banished and that Iago should focus on killing his brother again.

The brothers' dialogue - I'll see what I can do in that department. Dialogue is difficult as writing descriptions.  

nip it in the bud - will fix it, but I'm going to use it as my input into differentiating between Danny and Iago.

BLB.

Thanks for the read.

Christian is my Freddy Kreuger. I have sequels in store for him. I find him to be one of my greatest creations.  

How I use him in the script is debatable. Some people like him, while others don't.  I've cut down the number of times he intrudes on the story. However, he still plays the narrator and antagonist roles. I wanted to explore more of his narrator side and play around with his antagonist side.  

Thanks again.
Gabe  

I will get to Alffy and Coop tomorrow since those are some lengthy reviews. lol.