Decided to group your review together since you both mention some of the same stuff.

SPOILERS!

Coop and Alffy,

Grammar stuff - I went back and tried to fix it as much as possible. Can't say I got them all, but I did my best.  

Rape and ending scene - I deleted those. The rape scene wasn't supposed to be funny but, I can see how it can due to my descriptions. Christian playing as Danny was raping Gianna and came inside of her. This is the first and I will like to say last time I would ever try doing that. it isn't my style.

The ending, I changed it to something better. It shows more of a change in Iago.

Descriptions - It's tough as writing dialogue. But most of the readers seem to be getting my descriptions like the way I write the characters' looks, so I'm leaving them in here since they are working. It's just a hit or miss. In no way I'm ignoring you about that particular subject. I'm still trying to improve but for this script, I'm leaving it as is. It serves it's purpose in conveying the message across and, it's my style.   

Dialogue - It's very difficult and something I'm still working on. Like the descriptions, it's a hit or miss.

The use of "We" and breaking the 4th wall - I've explained this before but, I'm going to repeat it. I understand it's a no-no. However, it serves a purpose in here since Christian breaks the 4th wall in talking to us. Why does he break the 4th wall? I ask why not? I find the story more satisfying this way. It was something different for me and, I'm using it in a different context. I explore more of the narrator role through Christian (like his ability to skip certain stuff), and he helps keep the script short. One thing I can guarantee is that this is a quick read.   

The brother angle - I removed it since I think that's what was causing most of the confusion. The story is solely focus on Iago's journey now, and I believe is more comprehensible. It's a straightforward Iago vs. Christian.  

As I mentioned before, I did trim or merge descriptions and scenes together. For the first scene in this script, I merged the descriptions together. For the church scene, I cut out a huge chunk.

I'm going to return back to this later and rewrite it some more.

Sorry you didn't like it. Hope I explained myself.

Gabe

Gabe, is this not the final draft then?  I could take a quick look over it again if you want or would rather I wait till you've made all your changes?

I don't believe in "final" drafts anymore. lol.

This is the revised version that I submitted to Shriekfest. I did many changes to this one before submitting it though.  

I would appreciate it if you could review this one.  

Gabe

Gabe- Loved the script! It's Groundhog Day meets Nightmare on Elm Street with a little Twilight zone thrown in for good measure. I liked Christian's character a lot. I felt that when Iago was talking to Danny towards the end of the story, asking him how to defeat a demon, that Christian superimposed himself into Danny, screwing with him. Might be wrong on that but just a feeling. Great story and best of luck with future scripts.

Thanks Dirk for the read.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted Text It's Groundhog Day meets Nightmare on Elm Street with a little Twilight zone thrown in for good measure.

thanks for the compliment.

Let me know when you post something up so I can return the read.

Gabe

Hi Gabe thought I'd read this over again and check out your changes.

I did notice something I think I mentioned before.  Christian says he's going to skip Iago going to the car but the scenes still remaining.  Just seems weird that he would say that and then you include them.

I have noticed you have included other little things like how high Iago is when caught in the trap.

Not sure if I mentioned this before or whether it's been changed but I wonder why Christian says Iago must relive the day he killed his brother and complete the task of killing him?  He's just killed him so why does he have a task of killing him again?

page 17, you still have a slug with ALEX'S APARTMENT, same mistake on page 27.

I see you've added some more death scenes; Iago off the roof is good.  I remember before you had a lot of same scenes repeating so I feel this is a good improvement.

Why would a demon want Iago to kill his brother over again.  Would he not be happy that he did a 'bad' thing in the first place?

I see you've changed the ending but it still doesn't really conclude and think this is a problem.  You're leaving the viewer/reader with no conclusion and, to me, a vague story.  I still don't understand why Christian has put Iago in Hell.  Also I don't buy Iago killing his brother because he's jealous of him.  Danny always seem really nice to Iago.

This is a big improvement but I think you could add something to the beginning to show some tension between Iago and Danny.  Maybe Iago really likes Gianna?

Anyway, sorry I didn't big notes but it is better but I think you could still make it stronger.

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the re-read. I'm going to go back to this again but later on.

Any notes is good notes. As long as you explain why you didn't like something or liked something. lol.

My reason for putting Iago through this time loop is that it's his hell. He killed his brother so, he has to live with him. lol. You wouldn't like being with someone that you hate. It's also a pain for Iago in that the solution appears to be so simple but it's not. It's like that story where the guy has to push the rock up a mountain.

I kind of also like Danny being nice to Iago. It gives this material that fucked up vibe. It also helps Iago change for the good.

I didn't want Danny to be mean. Yeah, it would have been a good reason for Iago to hate him but, that's been used a lot. Not saying what I wrote isn't. Just that I wanted to try something a bit new. Good people die everyday. So, now Good kind of triumphs. lol.    

I'm going to have to come up with a solid believable reason. My intent was that Iago blames Danny for his misfortune. I'll see what I can do with the Grace angle.  

But, as always, I will take everything into consideration in my next rewrite.

Gabe

Maybe you could play up the Iago losing his job, has to move in with his brother angle.  Maybe he resents that Danny seems to get everything he wants.  Iago says he doesn't drink but if he did, he could kill Danny in a fit of rage and then show some real emotion, meaning re-living the day becomes more torturous every time?  I like that Iago has to relive the same day, every day but his goal needs to be more than just killing his brother again.

Thanks alffy,

Iago does express his resentment to Danny during the police station scene, but I'll work on motive.  

I'm going to give this some time off and work on my MTC script. It's going to be better than the draft I have posted up.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.

Things finally settled down for a bit and I was able to FINALLY give Dark Entrance a read over the weekend.  I read it all in one setting, but I read it again after reading some of the other comments to see if there was anything new I could bring to the table.

Coop's and Alffy's thorough reviews pretty much nailed all the notes I had jotted down while reading.

One thing I didn't see anybody mention was when Christian used 'quote on quote'.  It's actually quote-unquote.  Trust me, I'm a quote-unquote "expert" at these kind of things.  (Not really important to the story.)

Honestly, the story isn't really working for me as a feature.  (And not because of the low page count.  I'm one of those people who don't mind 65 and 70 pages as features.)

Why I don't like it as a feature is because it's written as a T.V. episode.  (Or I guess, more precisely, as a webisode.)  A lot of people mentioned 'Twilight Zone', but 'Tales from the Crypt' is what came to my mind, except that the narrator stays in the story the whole way through, which to be honest, was really really annoying me throughout.

Christian didn't work for me at all as a narrator.  He wasn't funny (which isn't important, because funny is subjective), but what is important is that he (as a narrator) didn't push the story along at all in any way.  As a character he did, but as a narrator, all he did was tell us what we already knew, or what's going to happen anyway, or what's common sense and we could've figured out anyway.  He says he'll just jump in whenever he needs to, but he doesn't need to throughout the whole story.  But he does anyway.  That's how he became annoying.

You said you used him to make the transitions faster.  To me, he made the transitions longer.  All you had to do was simply go to the next scene.  It's not a complex enough of a story that we need it spoonfed to us.

But Christian did work as a character in the story, whenever he wasn't breaking the fourth wall.  I think if you just tell your story straight up, you'll lose a LOT of the fat and it'll be a lot smoother read.  It'll push it into the realm of a short, but I don't think there's enough of a story here to lengthen it into a feature.  At least not yet.

One thing I did like a lot, was the ending, and having Iago, (I love the name, by the way), resigned to living day in and day out with his brother happily.  A lot of others I imagine won't see the closure in that, but I like it.  If you're stuck in hell, you might as well make the most of it.

But, while I did really like the ending, (minus the website link thing), the ride getting there wasn't so great, but I think that can be helped a lot by losing Christian as a narrator, and keeping him just as a character in the story and not breaking the fourth wall.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get my stuff in order and get to this story, Gabe.  Hope things have been good for you.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read. Hope everything's good with you in terms of the job and the kids. I'm good. Submitted this to Shriekfest and waiting for an answer which sucks. lol. I had no problem with you reading this late. People do have a life outside SS. You writing anything new?  

Christian has narrator and breaking the fourth wall - some people are not going to like it while, others do. I personally like it. It was something new for me, I wanted to explore the narrator side of storytelling (I've seen it done before, but not like this like Christian moving us from one scene to another scene), and gives Christian personality.

Yeah, the story could work without the narrator side, but I think it would be bland. Christian gives it flavor.    

I didn't want him to skip too much to not confuse the readers, but there are certain points like in the first act that I could have had Christian skip. Nevertheless, I'll leave that for the revision.

Iago - Thanks. I like the name to and it's significance.

Ending - Thanks. I like to thank Greg who convinced me to change the ending. It was for the best.  

Tales From The Crypt reference - Thanks. That's another show I like. I originally intended this script to be a series. lol. I think it reads like that because of how Christian breaks the 4th wall. But I decided to make it a series in features and not tv or webisode. Nonetheless, it shows how flexible this script is. SOMEONE GET IT! lol.

All in all, I'll take this all into consideration in my rewrite. Once done with MTC, I already have a sequel in mind.

Gabe    

Gabe, big congrats on finishing another one! It's a little short, but if I get any ideas while reading on how to perhaps add a few pages, I will let you know. One thing you can do right away, is to have that extra line between the last scene and the new slugline. That way it is easier to identify each scene on the paper and in your case that will probably get you a couple of more pages.

Okay, I just finished your script. It is probably the best script I have read of yours. So great work on that.

The story itself is not bad at all. However, it started to feel very repetitive in the 2nd half for me. I know that there are other films out there that have done the same thing. Groundhog Day would be one of those, but it was also much richer in character. Which is where I think your scripts weakest point. I liked the ending of the story. However, as soon as he said to Christian, let's meet on the roof, I knew exactly what he was going to do.

Your characters, like I said, are the weakest point of the story. This story is also very short. I think you could easily make it longer by making your characters better. Make them interact with each other a little bit better so we can get to know them. Right now they are all quite flat and I did not like or emphasize with any of them. Gianna, does not do anything other than being the object of Danny's affection. She doesn't say anything or do anything other than carry Chinese food. You described her as a sexy lawyer, but she does nothing sexy nor does she sound or act like a lawyer. Then he is supposed to be a cop. However, he does nothing cop like nor does he sound like a cop when he talks. The only thing cop like about him was the baton Iago killed him with and the gun on the nightstand.

Your characters are also very uneven.

Your writing is okay, but could be and should be much better before you enter into a contest. It is riddled with typos and grammar issues and the wrong word usage.

Overall, I think you did a good job, but there's still lots and lots to do to make it great. Looks like you have got a lot of feedback on this so it should not be hard to rewrite this until it shines.

Hope any of this can be of help and good luck in the contest.

PS. You do not have to respond to every little thing I pointed out… It's a drag, I know it! However, if you have any questions feel free to ask.  

The following are some thoughts I had while reading.

Page 1. The older man bears a scratch on his left cheek. I wouldn't say that I was confused by that, however, I wasn't sure exactly what you meant either. The way I pictured it in my head was a fresh scratch. If you meant it as part of his description like a scar or something you might want to reword that sentence description.

I believe the windshield would be riddled with bullet holes rather than bullets.

Not sure if this matters, but I thought it odd that the older man threw the gun away. Isn't he afraid that the police might be able to find out who shot the couple? Also, unless the gun is empty, it is quite dangerous to throw a gun away. It could go off when it lands and shoot right back at the old man.

The old man takes a moment to enjoy his state of ecstasy. If he is in ecstasy, you should probably hint at that earlier as this came as a complete surprise.

It would have been funnier if you had said " please allow me to introduce myself".  

Page 2. I wasn't sure what you meant with Christian being a shape shifting demon that goes both ways. I thought you meant he likes men and women.

I guess one of the perks of being a demon is teleportation, being able to go from one place to another just like that. Which makes me wonder why on earth he needs keys to get inside an apartment?

I usually do not like to comment on formatting and such, but I just happened to notice that your slug lines and mini slugs should have an extra line before them. That way, each scene heading is easier to find on the page.

Christian combs through the keys twice. No biggie, but it sounds repetitive. Just use a different verb in one of them.

Page 3. What's with the RING? Is it the phone? If I were you, I would probably write "A phone RINGS. Then I will move to a new line and do the description of the room.

Just a thought, if it is Danny's apartment, why is Iago they are in his nightwear?

Page 6. Whenever you start a new scene, you have to mention the people by name who are in the scene. Even if the previous scene has that person in it, in need to name them by name in the next scene. I got busy and had to take a few days break from your script and when I got back to it you have scene in the 5th floor hallway that starts with "He". I had to go back and see who you meant.

Page 9. I like what you did there with Christian's ritual that brought Danny back.

Page 11. I thought Christian running up to Iago and kicking him in the face, did not work here. It seemed out of the blue to me and also violence for absolutely no reason.

Page 14. I like how you mix the real present time with what has been even in the replays. I am talking about the ring that Iago through In the garbage and is now missing in the replay. Good work.

Not sure what that last 2 words are supposed to mean on this page…

Page 18. Earlier, no one could see Christian, but now both of them can. Maybe there should be an explanation or Something how that can be? I imagine if I watched this on film, it would be something I would wonder about.

Page 19. It seems very repetitive with Danny asking over and over if he has seen his engagement ring. Instead of asking the same thing over and over, how about he asks him to help him find it instead?

I am currently on page 21 and at this point, I was thinking that no one has mentioned Christian kicking him in the face yet. Perhaps Iago should be pissed off at that? Or maybe at least once in a while touch his chin or nose or whatever and wince a little bit in pain. Just a suggestion.

Page 25. I think I'm missing something here. Danny is back asking Iago where the engagement ring is, but Christian already gave it to him yesterday. What am I missing?

Page 27. This feels like another replay of the previous day's events. But I don't get why since he did not try to kill Danny again. At least I don't think he did. Oh I see. You explain it right here. LOL!

Page 29. Danny asks Iago a question and then he leaves. No one asks someone a question and then not stay around and wait for an answer. Just odd.

Page 30. Somehow, Danny seems to have taken on a whole different character. If he is a cop, he sure does not come across as one. Not in the way he talks or acts. All Iago did was to say that Christian wants to hurt him and all of a sudden, Danny is talking about negotiating, the guy wanting cash… Where did he get these ideas from?

Page 32. Okay, so I guess that Christian hurts Iago every time he fails. What I don't get however, is that Christian told Iago that all he has to do is kill his brother Danny. He has now done that twice, but Christian keeps saying that he fails. I don't get that. What is it exactly what he wants him to do?

Page 34. It now occurs to me, that after all this shooting inside the apartment, we do not hear any sirens.

Page 35. Does Gianna always bring food? LOL.

I forgot now, but didn't Christian already introduce himself to her earlier when they were waiting for the elevator?

There is a lot of repetitive stuff here. Also, I'm getting a little annoyed that Christian keeps telling us what's going to happen and explaining what has already happened.

Another thing, you told us that she is a sexy lawyer in the beginning of the script. When we finally meet her, then you described her as porn star hot. Somehow those 2 images don't go together very well in my opinion. A sexy lawyer givess you the picture of a woman with some professionalism and class. A woman described as porn star hot… Well, that description is more like the opposite. So, which one is she? You might want to rework your description of her so those 2 images don't clash so much. That way it will be easier for the reader to get a better picture of her. Just a suggestion.

Another issue I have on this same page is, she asks Christian " where is Danny?" And he answers " Danny's bedroom". That does not sound natural at all. Sounds more like the writer using one of his slug lines. Wouldn't it be more natural to say " in his bedroom"?

Page 45. I am wondering how many cops like to watch torture and gore?…

I am not sure I'm fond of this conversation going on here. Basically what you are doing is telling Gianna and Danny was we as an audience already know.

Page 47. Are you saying a criminal cannot walk into a police station and confess to a crime? I don't know, somehow they don't come across as a lawyer and a cop.

Page 53. Danny tells Iago that he will not enjoy his dinner with this question over his head. As far as Danny knows, Iago only posted a question about the demon for his story. Therefore, IMO he is overreacting a little bit.

It also occurs to me now, that this is not a very visual story. Half the time of this story they are just walking back and forth in this apartment.

Page 54. Here we go again, having the story retold to us.

They are going out to eat? I thought they were already eating Chinese food?

Page 55. I could be wrong, but I think it is " nip it in the bud" not butt.

Page 56. I didn't know that Iago was homely…

Pretty good with the blonde in a suit without a tie and the bandage on her cheek.

Page 61. I did not understand why he kneed Danny in the balls.

Page 62. Again, these flashbacks just show us what we have already seen over and over before.

Thanks Pia.

Appreciate the read since you've been very busy. I'm planning to rewrite this after I'm done with MTC. Just giving this script time to breathe. I'm putting everything I've learned here and putting it into MTC.  

I'm happy with this one since this was the most comprehensible one I've written so far. lmao. I wanted to do a simple story, and focus on one character.

I originally wrote this for the 7owc, but ended up working on it after the submission. However, I still tried to keep the guidelines though such as the low budget, 3-5 locations, etc. That's why everything happens in the apartment. lol. The two big expensive scenes out of this script are the church and the club.

Iago was never going to escape. It was a another form of torture which Iago figures out. I added the flashbacks to have a "Saw" ending. Thanks to Greg who convinced me on changing the ending.

I'll see what I can do about the characters especially Gianna and Danny. People have mentioned them. I have to focus now on those two. I have an idea that Gary has suggested I input in her. Might as well give it a shot since he has been backed up by others. lol.

My explanation - I never them intended to be important characters. Just helpers to Iago's tale.

Also, Danny's not on the job. The same applies to Gianna.  People act different when their not working. And, they are in a time loop. We get a glimpse of Danny as a cop and that's how he reacts.  

But, I will take all this into consideration when I rewrite.

Let me know if you need a review on one of your scripts Pia.

Gabe

What's MTC?...

I might post a script here in a few weeks. It was intended for the guys that made my other features, but it looks like they will be busy for awhile with the sequels to my vampire script.  

Max's Traveling Carnival.

Will be on the lookout.