Dark Entrance by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Horror, Dark Comedy - A young man struggles to stop reliving the day he killed his brother. 65 pages - pdf, format

Thanks Don for posting.

Thanks to Greg for his review.

Thanks to Gary for reading this twice and his reviews.

Hope you all enjoy.

Thought I'd give check some early pages on this - see how it went.

Great start - I liked the pace; a good quick read, and intruige from the off.

A couple of things took my attention:

## I’ll better have
-- should be I'd better have?

## Now, I highly doubt
-- ??

Couple of big chunks of dialogue when he was driving ... was he looking at us throught, or was he looking at the road - may have worked with a couple of left, right turns, just to break the dialogue some - you break the dialogue nicely later on ..

## in your case. Lucky bastards.
-- from singular to plural - this stood out a little.

## Cliff notes version. (?)
-- might be me being ignorant -  but what does this eman?

## Inside the apartment, Danny’s cell RINGS.
-- This threw me - Danny's not been introduced, so it looked like a newbie's mistake - 'a cell rings'?

## What can be gathered is
-- this had me thinking it's a bit first-drafty a bit tell not show, but I guessed this was an oversight going by comparison with the rest of what I read.

I'll check feedback as it comes in, but from early day -- it looks good.

Thanks for the read Si.

Quoted Text Great start - I liked the pace; a good quick read, and intruige from the off.

That's good. lol. I really tried my best to make this great as possible.

Quoted Text ## I’ll better have -- should be I'd better have?

Duly noted.

Quoted Text ## Now, I highly doubt -- ??

What's wrong with it?

Quoted Text Couple of big chunks of dialogue when he was driving ... was he looking at us throught, or was he looking at the road - may have worked with a couple of left, right turns, just to break the dialogue some - you break the dialogue nicely later on ..

Driving. He was looking at the road, glancing at us a couple of times. But I didn't want to be to specific in direction so I left it as is.

I tried to make him not talk as much. He doesn't as the script progresses.  

Quoted Text ## in your case. Lucky bastards. -- from singular to plural - this stood out a little.

3. (used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type): Take your factory worker, for instance. Your power brakes don't need that much servicing.

That's what I intended to use your. Christian is talking to us, the audience member, after all.  

Quoted Text ## Cliff notes version. (?) -- might be me being ignorant -  but what does this eman?

The low down. The quick and simple version.

Quoted Text ## Inside the apartment, Danny’s cell RINGS. -- This threw me - Danny's not been introduced, so it looked like a newbie's mistake - 'a cell rings'?

I wanted it to be clear on whose cellphone was ringing since later on Iago's cell rings.

Quoted Text ## What can be gathered is -- this had me thinking it's a bit first-drafty a bit tell not show, but I guessed this was an oversight going by comparison with the rest of what I read.

That's what we see at that time. I didn't want to reveal Danny all together and tried to not use "we" as much.

Quoted Text I'll check feedback as it comes in, but from early day -- it looks good.

Hope you enjoy it.

Gabe

Bumping this up so I can some reads.

Hey, sorry for getting back so late but I'm quite busy finishing up a feature which surprisingly has a protagonist that shares your first name.

First, I think technically it's clean. Easy to read and follow. The only main gripe I have is the POV issue. I think we the audience is supposed to be Iago. I had to re-read the first three pages a couple of times to get this.

You might want to just flat out state POV - IAGO to make it clear. Maybe it's just me, but if a reader/producer has to go back and re-read the first few pages, it will take them out of the "flow." Your job in the first 10 pages is to suck them in as fast as possible.

Here are my notes for the first 12 pages -

pg 2 "I'm Christian. One word name." Try this - "I'm Christian - one word."
pg 2 Christian's monologue here reads awkward. The line "can't say his name because I'll be summoning him..." feels on-the-nose and blatant exposition. Consider striking that.

"I'm one of his employees, a tormenter. I torment." Strike "I torment." Try to use another verb that does not use the root word for the noun "tormenter." It's like saying I'm a killer. I kill. Or "I'm a driver. I drive." The problem with using the root word to describe the noun is that it doesn't really add anything. Also, it again feels like lazy exposition.

pg 3 - "Beats driving or taking public transportation but, got to use it sparingly... It takes a lot of energy..." It's better if you show this. Maybe they use magic teleportation and Christian's becomes extremely exhausted. I would prefer to see this in action rather than description in dialogue.

pg 5 An unemployed 26 year old turned writer. "Turned" is unnecessary. Just say he's a 26 year old unemployed writer. The monologue hear doesn't work for me. Too much blatant expostion. You're better off cutting most of this and end with "He's my client." Leave the exposition later on.

pg 6 - Another blatant monologue with exposition. The lines "I have the ability to skip certain scenes, actions, etc." I think you can really cut most of this. And why is he explain so much. We are Iago aren't we? So shouldn't we know what's happening at the moment? Or course I'm probably wrong as I haven't gone past 12 pages yet.

pg 8 - Unnecessary explanation from Christian as we see body is buried next scene.

pg 9 - "is located at." doesn't follow from the ellipsis from the prior scene. Also it reads awkward with a broken sentence at the beginning of a scene.

After 12 pages, I think a lot of Christian's monologues can be really cut. A lot of it is unnecessary explanation. Some of it tells us what we're seeing anyway. If you're gonna use monologue/narration, I prefer if you use it to tell us more about Christian. Use it to give his opinion on what we're seeing. Right now, I think Christian is just a vehicle to provide backstory and exposition.

As a tormenter, Christian really talks a lot. I would prefer if he was more of the cool veteran/pro. Doesn't talk much except to express snide remarks and goes about his business. Maybe it was your decision to make him talkative (a la Jules from Pulp Fiction)?

Gonna continue later as time permits. To Be Continued.

Thanks King. No problem take the time you need. I's curious to read that feature. I better be the one surviving and with the beautiful chick at the end.

Quoted Text The only main gripe I have is the POV issue. I think we the audience is supposed to be Iago.  I had to re-read the first three pages a couple of times to get this.

I think you read it wrong since we are not Iago. We are just the audience. Iago is the protagonist in the story Christain's going to tell us. That's why in the opening, he asks us Iago.

If we were Iago, I would have had Christain call us Iago as he speaks to us later on.  

This was intended for the 7owc. Even though I didn't enter it, I still tried to follow the rules like keeping it low budget and a thriller. I tried to find low budget ways of doing things like the teleportation, a simple covering and uncovering of the camera. lol.

That's also why these characters talk a lot, but I made sure it was relevant to the script.  Christian's exposition in the beginning is important since he's bringing us up to speed with what's he doing here, why we're there, who he is, who the characters are etc. In addition, it gives us an insight to his character.  

He is also the narrator so he commands the story. He's telling us the story the way he wants too. He takes us from one scene to the other. Like the pg. 8 reference you make. I think that's kind of cool and it's a good transition technique. lol. He's helpful in explaining things. And later on, he's a good entertainer.

Hope this helps explain some of your issues. If you have any more, let me know.

Gabe

Quoted from kingcooky555 First, I think technically it's clean. Easy to read and follow. The only main gripe I have is the POV issue. I think we the audience is supposed to be Iago. I had to re-read the first three pages a couple of times to get this.

Sorry, but I have to jump in here on this.  King Kooky, c'mon now...are you serious?  For reals?  You state in the same paragraph that this script is "technically clean" and "easy to read and follow".  Then you say you had to reread the first 3 pages multiple times and still had to make an assumption you weren't sure about.

How could this possibly be easy to read and follow?

Gabe, listen, man.  I just want to help and you need the truth to help.  This is not technically clean or easy to read and follow.  In fact, it's extremely confusing and impossible to follow.

Using the name, "Iago" for someone who seems to potentially be a main character, is an interesting and probably dangerous choice.  Those not well read won't have a clue this is even a name, most likely.  Those who do know their shit, will immediately think of Othello, and see this character as a bad guy, and or (if younger), maybe even think of the Aladdin character.  Bottom line is that when you use a "strange" name that is famous or infamous, IMO, you're setting yourself up for problems.

I tried to read through the first 5 pages, and was just completely lost and baffled. I am familiar with your source material, as I gave extensive notes on your Soul Shadows version.

Maybe it's me, Gabe, but your writing isn't working for me at all.  When I read Max's Traveling Carnival, I was literally clueless throughout.  I feel much the same after reading your opening 5 here.  Something in your head isn't making it to the page, or else there are numerous very strong drugs involved that I'm not privy to.  

I'm going to recommend what I did last time - write an extremely simple short with a few characters and a basic, structured plot/story and see how it turns out.  See how your readers react to it.  Doesn't matter if it's a rehash of any classic simple story.  Your prose needs attention before you can write these wild, wacky plots and stories.

I don't mean to be harsh or mean, but I do want to be 100% honest with you, so you know where I'm coming from.

I guess I should have been clearer in my own post.

Clean meaning... lots of white space. And no 5+ line action paragraphs.

I reread the first 3 pages for story purposes. I had an issue with POV and story issues.

Hey Jeff,

Thanks for the 5 page review.

I'm open to being completely honest. One can't learn if you don't know your mistakes.  

Just to mention one item.

Iago - It's a name. People have chosen weirder names. lol. I do think of Othello when I hear Iago but, that doesn't mean the film's going to be about that character unless the synopsis or logline reflects that. My logline doesn't make any reference to Othello or Aladdin.

Thanks though and sorry that you didn't like it.  

Gabe

Quoted from kingcooky555 Clean meaning... lots of white space. And no 5+ line action paragraphs. I reread the first 3 pages for story purposes. I had an issue with POV and story issues.

OK, but we should all be clear and understand how easily words can be misconstrued, which is why I always say exactly what I mean when giving feedback.

Cooky, it's funny in a way, because according to Gabe, your assumption of "us" being Iago, was incorrect, even after reading multiple times.  But don't feel bad, because the way it's written it most definitely infers that the entire opening is in Iago's POV, meaning "we" or "us" is referring to Iago's POV, which we are watching through.

It's 1 of many serious flaws in the opening, and Gabe needs to be aware of this and why it's such an issue.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Iago - It's a name. People have chosen weirder names. lol. I do think of Othello when I hear Iago but, that doesn't mean the film's going to be about that character unless the synopsis or logline reflects that. My logline doesn't make any reference to Othello or Aladdin.

Gabe, I think you're missing my point on your name choice here.

First of all, as far as I'm concerned, it's far from a standard name that you hear.  But more importantly, it's a name associated with a "classic" work of fiction.  For instance, if you named a character "Luke Skywalker" or Verbal Kint, can you see potential issues, just based on name recognition alone?

I see what you mean Jeff but, what about using Luke from Luke Skywalker? That's my point about using Iago. I'm sure someone has Iago as a name as well.

People are entitled to their opinions. Some are not going to like it while others are. Same thing with who gets it and those who don't. There's nothing I can do about it. But in my defense, I had two people  read this script who had no problems understanding the opening segment. One of them was Gary who had reviewed the short a long time ago and, the other was Greg who didn't read the short at all. Gary's only complaint was to trim the scene. I also remember Pia mentioning that so I did. I tried to make sure this script was clear.  

Furthermore, according to Sil,

Quoted Text Great start - I liked the pace; a good quick read, and intruige from the off.

Was he bsing me? Don't think so cause he's not one to bs in his reviews.

Why I opened the script like in that fashion? Because we are there to hear about Iago's story. So I decided to say Iago.

I take my comment back and apologize if I said something bad King. Sometimes you get close to your material that you don't see your mistakes. It didn't connect that the dialogue could be interpreted in two ways. Would  "Iago's tale?" be ok for that portion?

Note: in no way I'm trying to be an ass. I'm trying to be helpful in my responses and learn as well. At times, it's difficult to determine tone in these message boards. lol. Also, I'm taking this all into consideration when I go back and revise my script.

Gabe

Gabe, first of all, you're not being an ass, and you can and should defend or question any and all points you don't agree with.

Luke is a common name and by itself has nothing to do with Star Wars or any certain literary character.

As far as I know, Iago in Othello and Aladdin did not have last names, meaning the characters were only known and referred to as "Iago".  It is not a common name by any means, thus, you run the risk of drawing reference to these characters, rightly or wrongly.

Also, you know no matter what the script or movie is, you're going to get differing viewpoints.  In no way am I saying Simon is right or wrong in what he said and what he feels.  I'm merely giving you my take, and I'm drawing from Cooky's as well.

If you feel this is clear and "good" as written, that's your decision.  To be completely honest, I highly doubt anyone is going to agree that the opening is clear, easily understandable, and well written.

Just trying to help, bro.  I mean that.

I know that Jeff.

I'm simply explaining myself. This is your opinion. And you're entitled to your opinion. I can't take that away from you.  But I'm entitled for my opinion and expressing my opinion as well.  

I did my best to make this script great. And I gotta stick behind it. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not going to revise it later on according to the reviews I get. No. I'm happy with what I intended to do with the story for now. Creating some funny sick shit that will make you think back to it in a positive light. lol.

Iago -  If they could use the name Iago in two different films, it says that the name can be used for anything. lol. I totally get what you mean Jeff, but you gotta understand my point as well.

Quoted Text To be completely honest, I highly doubt anyone is going to agree that the opening is clear, easily understandable, and well written.

I think you were proven wrong from the comment I just quoted. lol. You left yourself out in the open man. I had to take it. lol.

Gabe

Hey Mr. Ripley. Read the first ten and thought I would give you my initial thoughts.

Page 1: "A hangun in an ungloved hand".  If the hand was gloved, I could see why you would point that out. I'm not sure why you would point out there's no glove? The first line is really important and this stood out for me. I know it's nitpicky - but still.

The character does look at the camera and say "Iago?" so I thought our POV was someone called Iago at first. I'll get that in straight away as others have mentioned it!

Page 2: "Now I highly doubt you will want me to talk throughout this whole movie. So I will let the visuals speak for themselves and, I'll jump in when I need to".  Gabe, this actually read like you know script readers are gonna pull you up for exposition and are getting an excuse or apology in to combat the expected criticism!! You really need to get rid of this.

Page 6: "Since we're in narrative mode, I have the ability to skip certain scenes, actions etc".  This block of dialogue isn't working for me. It stands out. Breaking the fourth wall is really difficult to pull off in movies. (TV sitcoms maybe not so much). Even when done by critically acclaimed directors it's always going to divide opinion. (Haneke's "Funny Games" for example) I certainly don't think it should be used in a way that might be seen as trying to cover over narrative or technical problems that are going be in the story. This is what it reads like to me, I'm sorry to say.

Page 8  "He's going to some motel room and try to disappear".  I don't want to come across as a clever arse, but earlier Christian says "I will let the visuals speak for themselves and, I'll jump in when I need to".  In a visual medium should he need to at all? Just saying.

Anyway, you know what they say about the first 10 pages giving the reader what to expect for the rest of the script. I'm not sure if this is the way to go. I think a normal narrative structure withought the storyteller would be better. It should be his story without him telling us things. I would rather see just see Christian shape shifting rather than him telling us about it as well. Others may disagree.

Sometimes initial thoughts can be a little harsh. It's not my intent to be harsh -- it's just as a spec screenplay this is breaking many a rule that's going to get people's backs up. I usually say 'screw the the so-called rules', but if you're gonna do that -- the script needs to clear, confident and bang on the money. The exposition could work but at the moment it seems like it's there to paper over cracks.

Some interesting feedback you've had here - I wondered what it'd get when I first read it. Some stuff is just not going to be to some people's taste.

So I might read some more of this, but from my original post, I did say I like the pace, that it read quickly, and that there was some intrigue.

Your action lines are broken up well, and this helps to move the read forward (and occasionally helps to skip over errors).

Some of the dialogue is also broken up nicely and interspersed with short action lines. I also liked that. (But there's also a couple of hefty chunks of dialogue).

There were a number of things that I was confused with, and you provided some clarity on that.

There is a certain 'style' to your writing that is not entirely concerned with brevity:

He plants his supplies near by, bends down and gets to work:
Tapes dish towels to Danny’s bleeding head.

more brief would be:

He plants his supplies near by, bends down - and tapes a dish towel to Danny’s bleeding head.

But not by much. The 'Tapes dish towels ...' actually took me a couple of reads to get it into my head - as you have included it on a separate line, I'm almost expecting something else, and this is in part to do with there not being a 'subject' to the sentence ...

Iago plants his supplies near by, bends down and gets to work:
He tapes dish towels to Danny’s bleeding head.

I think you are attempting a semi-staccato style of writing, which in principle I like as it moves the story on and gave it some pace - but I think the precautionary note is to be wary that the style doesn't trip up the substance.

Hey Basket,

I'm not against harsh criticism towards the material. I use these criticisms in my revision. lol.

I'll change that Iago line to Iago's tale to lessen the confusion.  

I wanted you to notice that he throws away the gun without wiping it clean. He was holding it in his ungloved hand.  

pg. 2 My intent was to explain Christian's activity as narrator in this screenplay. Certain scenes he narrates, certain scenes he doesn't. Why? For that reason you quoted.    

pg. 6 I'm using Christian as a way to transition from scenes. It speeds up the story.
That part would have been longer if I didn't cut out Iago searching for his brother's car. So as opposed to writing a full slug with "later" on it, I thought of using Christian to skip that scene. He is the narrator after all.  

pg. 8 I wanted to transition to the next scene and tell the reader what Iago was planning to do. That is until Christian got involved.

Hope this helps explain your issues.

Hey Si,

I'm looking to make this script as best possible so I can sell it. Everyone here also wants the same goal.

Mind posting some of that confusion you had in the script? I need to improve this bad boy. .

Not everyone's going to like this. And I'm not trying to get everyone. lol. That's impossible to do since someone's going to come along and says it sucks (and this is not directed to you Jeff).  

Gabe

Wanted people to know that I figured out to work this dropbox, , and changed the opening dialogue from Iago to Iago's tale.

I would like more feedback before I delve into doing a full rewrite. I'll read anything in return. I'm good for it.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Wanted people to know that I figured out to work this dropbox, , and changed the opening dialogue from Iago to Iago's tale. Gabe

Gabe, I don't have the slightest idea what you mean by using "Iago's tale" or the like.  I just went back into your actual script and see you made that change.  Absolutely no clue what's going on.

Is there a person there with this "older man"/Christian?  Is it Iago?  Why do you continually phrase things with "us", etc.?, as if it's some sort of POV but not labeled as such?  Is it merely Christian braking the 4th wall, and if so, why, in God's name?

Completely clueless as to what's going on and why.

Jeff,

You're over thinking this too much man.

This was intended for the 7owc. I decided to back out so I can work on this some more. However, I still kept the restrictions: low budget, thriller, 3-5 locations. And this is the product. I think I've improved from the short.

Christian's no longer calling us Iago. He's identifying why we're there. To hear about Iago's tale. I didn't put the entire question in due to the fact Christian's with a dead couple and, he wants to flee the crime scene.

It's like two strangers taking a elevator to go to a interview. They get off a floor and look around. One of the guys notices the other guy searching and asks: interview? The other guy says: yeah. Same principle except that we can't speak.

Christian's breaking the 4th wall. Why not? lol. I wanted to try something new. I think the story's better with the narrator involved. He's humorous as a narrator and a character. I can't speak for everybody, but some people digged it.  And this is how I see the story with the narrator breaking the 4th wall.  

Why I use us? I wanted to try a new style of writing that didn't require me to properly use camera directions like POV, DISSOLVE TO, INSERT, etc.  

Everyone seems to be getting it. The only problems people had were the first line of dialogue (Iago?) and the blocks of exposition. I'll get to the blocks later since I'm debating about removing items.

I want to tell everyone that all these reviews would be taken into consideration in my rewrites. Don't think I'm ignoring everything. I value everything. Just realize that it's my story, lol.

Gabe

I read the first 10 pages and felt like I was trying to keep up in a footrace I hadn't even known I was in. It could be I was just tired the night I cracked this open. I will continue with it when my hectic schedule lets up.

I am a fan of breaking the fourth wall and I think it is an effective ploy when done properly. The first thing I thought of while reading the first few pages, while you did it differently, was Fallen. Although here I was asking myself whether he was really breaking it at times or were we just in POV, silent observors watching through the eyes of the character.

From some of the posts it seems it may be confusing others.

Maybe if you do something different to separate us from the character so there is a true break in the wall that establishes our own participation in the story. One way might be, during the car scene for instance, have us in the back seat and we see the back of Iago's head but Christian turns to the back seat to talk to us.

Maybe I am getting it all wrong and you are shooting for something else.

I'll be back with it this weekend and give more feedback soon.

John

Thanks for the short review John.

Thanks for the Fallen comment. lol. Didn't think of that film even though I have it in my DVD collection.  

He is breaking the 4th wall. We are the silent observers that Christian notices but, no one else in the script does. He may talk to us but, we don't answer since we're silent observers.

I tried to make things short, quick and low budget. Didn't want to waste too much pages on something.

Hope you enjoy it.
Gabe

Finally, finished it. Your style makes it easy to breeze through, but my only concern is that if you cut out some stuff - which I think you'll need to do - you'll end up with a short screenplay. Something too long for a short and too short for a feature.

First, I still think you should be more upfront with who's we in the beginning. Instead of "Iago's tale" why not just be more upfront and have him say "Are you here for Iago's tale?" Then have the camera nod up and down.

Further, I still think you ought to put a "Note: " in the beginning stating what we the POV means. I see this often in found footage. It's stated clearly it's found footage (in italics) before Fade In. I know it's not found footage, but I'd rather set the expectations earlier on rather than anger/confuse the reader 5 pages in.

I would also do a "Find/Replace" from Alex to Danny. it seems like Danny used to be named Alex, but Alex's name still pops up. At page 44, Alex even has lines.

As for the story, I can identify the inciting incident (page 12 or so) and I think Act One ends in page 27-28 when Iago refuses to believe in what he's supposed to do. However, I could not identify Act 2 and 3. Part of the reason is because I don't think the characters don't change much. Iago ends up where he began, even trapped for eternity a la Twilight Zone. Christian's still an *rse.

You have a mish-mash of Ferris Bueller (breaking 4th wall) and GroundHog Day. In Groundhog Day, you can clearly see how Phil (Bill Murray) changes as a character, even though his environment never changes. I just don't see that same character arc or change in Iago. Thus, when I get to the end, it felt like the story just ended.

Characters - Christian becomes really annoying as the story goes on. I see he's trying to be comedic at times, but this clashes with the thriller/horror tension you're trying to build. Also, he becomes really despicable at around page 41 or so when the story teethers on NC-17 rating.

I don't like how you describe Gianni as "porn star hot." Especially when you hint how Iago is jealous of his brother because he has such a "great girl." I'd understand if Gianni was in the mold of Katie Holmes (pre-Scientology), as the classic girl-next-door, but she's not. So I don't empathize with Iago. Danny doesn't come off as a great character to root for either.

Usually, if Act 2 isn't clicking, there usually isn't a B or C story. Something that works off your main theme. In Groundhog Day, Phil was looking for a way to break the loop, but then he also started wooing the female character, which eventually led to a inner quest to rediscover himself. It's that type of depth I don't see here.

Even if you did not care much about the character drama, the plot didn't have as much twists/turns. Christian was barely threatened. Iago keeps trying but always it stays the same. I know this was your intent in the end, but then it begs the question, why go through forty-fifty minutes of doing the same thing with the same results?

Lastly, check your use of "your" versus "you're". This issue pops up a lot. Here are my page by page breakdown starting from page 13:

pg 13 - Are the visions flashbacks? Later on you do mark them as flashbacks.
pg 18 - "this morning and," should be "this morning, and"
pg 20 - should be "scared" not "sacred"
pg 21 - should be "grins at his hello"
pg 23 - Is it necessary to repeat Christian's orders here?
Also, here Christian's look feels more comedic. I don't know if that's your intention, but it does clashes with the thriller tension you're trying to build.
pg 26 - this exchange doesn't make sense here:
IAGO - There's some things you don't tell me as well.
DANNY - Like?
IAGO - I can't remember them...
it's nitpicky but if I was Danny I would have responded, "if you've got no examples, then why bring it up?"
pg 33 - "he wants to hurt me" not "he's wants..."
pg 39 - "A couple minutes pass before he returns..." The way this is written you - it can be interpreted that "we" watch at nothing for a few minutes, when nothing happens. Use a LATER mini-slug here or have Christian fast-forward here.
pg 42 - It depends on how the director shoots this graphic scene here, but it does teether on NC-17 here. You'll turn off a bunch of readers with the Ferris Bueller gimmick, but with this scene, you'll lose almost all female readers... I'd seriously consider reviewing/rewriting this.
pg 44 - Alex? Find/Replace Alex to Danny.
pg 46 - the ceremony fills like filler. You can cut almost all of this and just say a typical religious procession is happening.
pg 49 - I wonder if the Cain/Abel story is mean as an allegory to Iago killing Danny? it doesn't fit though as Christian says "Crime does pay. Not by punishment, but by rewards..." But all Iago gets for committing murder is pain.
pg 59 - Iago spilling his guts out to his brother. Iago comes off as a whiny guy. He hasn't done much to warrant my empathy here. Maybe that's your intention?
End - feels like it just ended here. Not much resolution. Feels more like a Twilight Zone, come for the next episode end here.

Congrats on getting this done. You're trying something very difficult here (mish mash of Ferris Bueller / Groundhog Day in a Horror setting). IMHO, Christian's comedic relief clashes with the horror/thriller atmosphere. You'll need to really gut out some stuff and flesh out the story more. Develop a stronger B/C story to carry your Act 2 so you can finish strong in Act 3. Good luck.

Hello Gabriel,

The opening of this doesn't work for me, for the sole fact that the character A. speaks to camera. B. TELLS us information about himself and the plot C. Far too much dialouge.

There's no hook in these first 3 pages. This speaking to camera might be a nice personal experiment, but it's old and stylised from decades ago.

There needs to be a balance of setting up the world we are about to enter with holding back information, so we want to turn the page/keep watching.

Eoin

Hey King,

Thanks for finishing.

Quoted Text Finally, finished it. Your style makes it easy to breeze through, but my only concern is that if you cut out some stuff - which I think you'll need to do - you'll end up with a short screenplay. Something too long for a short and too short for a feature.

I've got some ideas brewing to add onto here.

Quoted Text First, I still think you should be more upfront with who's we in the beginning. Instead of "Iago's tale" why not just be more upfront and have him say "Are you here for Iago's tale?" Then have the camera nod up and down.

I see what your saying. I think I have a way of fixing this. But I'm not putting that the camera nods up and down though.

Quoted Text Further, I still think you ought to put a "Note: " in the beginning stating what we the POV means. I see this often in found footage. It's stated clearly it's found footage (in italics) before Fade In. I know it's not found footage, but I'd rather set the expectations earlier on rather than anger/confuse the reader 5 pages in.

I don't get the confusion. It's prob I'm too close to the script but, I use we and us. I know it's a no-no to do so, but I believe it suits this material. The character breaks the 4th wall a lot.  

Quoted Text As for the story, I can identify the inciting incident (page 12 or so) and I think Act One ends in page 27-28 when Iago refuses to believe in what he's supposed to do. However, I could not identify Act 2 and 3. Part of the reason is because I don't think the characters don't change much. Iago ends up where he began, even trapped for eternity a la Twilight Zone. Christian's still an *rse.

Iago does change a bit but reverts back for sheer survival. He then realizes it's too late for him.

Quoted Text You have a mish-mash of Ferris Bueller (breaking 4th wall) and GroundHog Day. In Groundhog Day, you can clearly see how Phil (Bill Murray) changes as a character, even though his environment never changes. I just don't see that same character arc or change in Iago. Thus, when I get to the end, it felt like the story just ended.

Phil didn't kill his brother.  And Iago did try to reform but, he was too late though. He shouldn't have killed his brother.

Quoted Text I don't like how you describe Gianni as "porn star hot." Especially when you hint how Iago is jealous of his brother because he has such a "great girl." I'd understand if Gianni was in the mold of Katie Holmes (pre-Scientology), as the classic girl-next-door, but she's not. So I don't empathize with Iago. Danny doesn't come off as a great character to root for either.

In regards to women, to each his own . lol. Joking. I get it. I'm experimenting with my descriptions. And that's what I saw her as.

Mind explaining about not rooting for Danny? He doesn't do anything wrong and he tries to help his brother.

Quoted Text Usually, if Act 2 isn't clicking, there usually isn't a B or C story. Something that works off your main theme. In Groundhog Day, Phil was looking for a way to break the loop, but then he also started wooing the female character, which eventually led to a inner quest to rediscover himself. It's that type of depth I don't see here.

This is hell. lol. There's no escape from hell unless Iago does what Christian says. And still. It's like that tale about the guy who has to push the boulder up the mountain to only watch it fall down.

But I'm thinking of some things to add that depth and change your looking for.  

Quoted Text Even if you did not care much about the character drama, the plot didn't have as much twists/turns. Christian was barely threatened. Iago keeps trying but always it stays the same. I know this was your intent in the end, but then it begs the question, why go through forty-fifty minutes of doing the same thing with the same results?

Christian's not going to get threatened. It's like a human challenging Satan. Satan's not going to worry.

Iago does try his best to not do what Christian wants him to do. But it's too late for him to try. Now he has to live with the mistake. That's the resolution. I'll see if I can make this more clear.

Quoted Text Lastly, check your use of "your" versus "you're". This issue pops up a lot.

Alright. Will do.

Quoted Text pg 13 - Are the visions flashbacks? Later on you do mark them as flashbacks.

They are not visions nor flashbacks. When I label them as flashbacks, it's because Iago's thinking back to them.

He actually killed his brother. When he thinks back, he's trying to figure what's going on. I'm hinting at the time loop.

Quoted Text pg 18 - "this morning and," should be "this morning, and" pg 20 - should be "scared" not "sacred" pg 21 - should be "grins at his hello"

will fix these.

Quoted Text pg 23 - Is it necessary to repeat Christian's orders here? Also, here Christian's look feels more comedic. I don't know if that's your intention, but it does clashes with the thriller tension you're trying to build.

Iago remembers what he needs to do. I'm giving you insight to how Iago thinks.  

Christian's cocky. And sometimes when your cocky, you're funny.  

Quoted Text pg 26 - this exchange doesn't make sense here: IAGO - There's some things you don't tell me as well. DANNY - Like? IAGO - I can't remember them... it's nitpicky but if I was Danny I would have responded, "if you've got no examples, then why bring it up?"

Danny counters with the health issue. That shuts Iago down. Wanted to portray Danny as superior, and Iago inferior.

Quoted Text pg 33 - "he wants to hurt me" not "he's wants..."

Will fix.

Quoted Text pg 39 - "A couple minutes pass before he returns..." The way this is written you - it can be interpreted that "we" watch at nothing for a few minutes, when nothing happens. Use a LATER mini-slug here or have Christian fast-forward here.

I'll think about it. He does come back.

Quoted Text pg 42 - It depends on how the director shoots this graphic scene here, but it does teether on NC-17 here. You'll turn off a bunch of readers with the Ferris Bueller gimmick, but with this scene, you'll lose almost all female readers... I'd seriously consider reviewing/rewriting this.

My first time writing this. I usually don't include this type of rape scene. But, I thought that Christian wants to punish Iago good so, harm everyone.

Quoted Text pg 44 - Alex? Find/Replace Alex to Danny.

Will fix that error. Thanks for noting it.

Quoted Text pg 46 - the ceremony fills like filler. You can cut almost all of this and just say a typical religious procession is happening.

I wanted to emphasis the Eucharist procession since what Christian does afterwards.  I wanted a WTF! moment that everyone in the church feels.

Quoted Text pg 49 - I wonder if the Cain/Abel story is mean as an allegory to Iago killing Danny? it doesn't fit though as Christian says "Crime does pay. Not by punishment, but by rewards..." But all Iago gets for committing murder is pain.

Christian's trying to convince Iago to kill his brother. That's Iago's arc. Iago doesn't want to but ends up doing it.

Quoted Text pg 59 - Iago spilling his guts out to his brother. Iago comes off as a whiny guy. He hasn't done much to warrant my empathy here. Maybe that's your intention?

What would you like him to do? I'm really asking. lol. Iago's being honest with him yet, his brother interprets it the wrong way.

Quoted Text End - feels like it just ended here. Not much resolution. Feels more like a Twilight Zone, come for the next episode end here.

I did intend this to be a Twilight Zone feel but with a resolution that Iago set himself up for this. And his brother too.

Quoted Text Congrats on getting this done. You're trying something very difficult here (mish mash of Ferris Bueller / Groundhog Day in a Horror setting). IMHO, Christian's comedic relief clashes with the horror/thriller atmosphere. You'll need to really gut out some stuff and flesh out the story more. Develop a stronger B/C story to carry your Act 2 so you can finish strong in Act 3. Good luck.

I see what you mean. Thanks again.

Let me know what script you would like me to read.
Gabe

Hey Eoin

Thanks for insight.

Quoted Text The opening of this doesn't work for me, for the sole fact that the character A. speaks to camera. B. TELLS us information about himself and the plot C. Far too much dialouge.

He is driving. It helps pass the time while he's driving. And he's introducing himself to us.  

Once he arrives at the location, he's telling us b.g. info so we are up to date.

Quoted Text There's no hook in these first 3 pages. This speaking to camera might be a nice personal experiment, but it's old and stylised from decades ago.

Vampires, Zombies, and Werewolves are old and stylized but they're still making them. lol.  

Quoted Text There needs to be a balance of setting up the world we are about to enter with holding back information, so we want to turn the page/keep watching.

Alright. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.
Gabe

The choices you make as a writer, in relation to story, structure, characters etc should be INFORMED, not done out of necessity, because the circustances dictate them. I understand WHY you have your character speak to camera, but the REASON, he is alone, isn't a good enough one, especially since it dictates the opening of the film and sets the tone and style. The same introduction can be achieve in more creative ways that SHOW who he is, by what he does.

Hey Eoin

It's a difficult balance between showing and telling when dealing with breaking the 4th wall, I admit. I'm going to work on that. I'm just explaining my choices.

All I wanted was to be clear on certain points. Also, I wanted to give the reader insight to Christian's persona. You can identify a character from his actions and dialogue. Since this is low budget, I'll have to put more weight on dialogue rather than actions. For instance, I wanted to identify him as a shape shifting demon and not a shape shifting creature, alien, or whatever people may come up with so, I had Christian introduce himself as such. Problem solved. Didn't have to show him as a demon or didn't have to confuse people in trying to figure what Christian is. Straight off the back, he introduced himself. Sometimes exposition is needed to convey certain messages across.

What reason do you think he's alone? I'm honestly curious. I wanted to open up with a bang so I thought I'll start with Christian "working". It can then flow from there to Iago's tale.    

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Bumping this up so I can some reads.

I will read it. I'm just super busy trying to get ready for the TTD shoot next week. Besides, I still have two 7WC scripts and a private script to read first.

I feel stressed?!!!  

Lol. no worries Pia.

I just got a mixed review of like/dislike. 3 dislikes. And 1 positive like. lol.

Gabe

Wanted to let future readers know that I'm currently rewriting this (having figured out how to work with dropbox ). However, I will appreciate it that you still review this one since I'm basing my revisions on the comments I receive for this one.

Some of what people have suggested I should change are going to be inputted in the next revision while others are not. I apologize in advance if your suggestion doesn't make it. Nothing personal, I just see the story in a way. I still value your time and input though.

If you want a review exchange, let me know. I'm good for it. Ask around. These peeps will back me up.

Gabe

Hey Gabriel.  I finished reading the whole thing in about an hour... thanks for the quick read! lol

Btw, I read through some of the comments on this thread after I finished and I was surprised.  There was no confusion for me regarding who's telling the story, who's story he's telling, that he's breaking the 4th wall, etc.  It seemed pretty clear to me... and this is coming from someone who breezed through the whole thing in an hour...

Your choice to have Christian break the 4th wall and talk to us is an unusual and bold choice.  I was expecting a lot of people to criticize that for using it as a cheap way to feed exposition, and tell the audience what's going on.  I think if done right, there's nothing wrong with that.  I recall a film by Woody Allen, "Whatever Works", in which the main character broke the 4th wall consistently.  I think it worked for the most part here except when he's basically setting up the story or scene for us... I have to agree that in that case, it would be a cheap way to set up what's going on for the audience.  However, Christian did bring a lot of humor to the script.  As I read, I just couldn't help comparing Christian to the 'Mayhem' guy in the Allstate commercials... lol

This was a very interesting concept.  It intrigued me, and it pulled me in so I was able to get through it quite easily.  For me, it came off as very 'indie' and almost 'avant-garde' so it's tough for me to review this based on "normal" (sry, for lack of a better term, lol) scripts that I'm usually accustomed with.  There's not many issues with the story itself I can think of, though there's sorta something I was wondering... Why did Christian make Iago relive the same day unless he stopped Danny from proposing?  And why specifically make him not propose?  I couldn't find any reason for that, and I'm not even sure if there's supposed to be one.  But for that reason, it kinda felt like a random plot he just pulled out of a hat or something.  With the characters, I felt there was lacking a certain arc with Iago and the other characters... I wasn't sure what kind of person he was at the start and how he changes at the end.

It was a clean script, nice concise writing, few errors.  Except you still have a lot of "Alex"'s in the script instead of "Danny" and that confused me for a while until I figured out it was a typo.  Also, another one I remembered: "alter" should be "altar" (in the church scene).  Overall, it was an interesting, pretty fun script.  I wouldn't consider it horror at all though, just in my opinion.  More like a supernatural-themed comedy?  But it was decent.  Had a certain "Source Code"/"Groundhog Day" impression with the repeated day thing.  I don't know if this helps, but good luck with your revisions.

Hey Rock,

Thanks Rock for the review.

Quoted Text Btw, I read through some of the comments on this thread after I finished and I was surprised.  There was no confusion for me regarding who's telling the story, who's story he's telling, that he's breaking the 4th wall, etc.  It seemed pretty clear to me... and this is coming from someone who breezed through the whole thing in an hour...

I guess some people are going to get it, while others don't. I admit that when I started writing screenplays I didn't know shit. lol. I would come up with great concepts but, the story sucked. But I think I've improved from then. Like I said, I never intended this to be confusing. lol. It's really simple.  

Quoted Text Your choice to have Christian break the 4th wall and talk to us is an unusual and bold choice.  I was expecting a lot of people to criticize that for using it as a cheap way to feed exposition, and tell the audience what's going on.  I think if done right, there's nothing wrong with that.  I recall a film by Woody Allen, "Whatever Works", in which the main character broke the 4th wall consistently.  I think it worked for the most part here except when he's basically setting up the story or scene for us... I have to agree that in that case, it would be a cheap way to set up what's going on for the audience.  However, Christian did bring a lot of humor to the script.  As I read, I just couldn't help comparing Christian to the 'Mayhem' guy in the Allstate commercials... lol

It just felt right for some odd reason having Christian break the 4th wall. There are certain writing choices that just come to you and it fits. lol. I'm currently trying to balance that out revealing info vs. not revealing info. When I was writing it, I was aiming at the narrator in Fight Club.

Quoted Text This was a very interesting concept.  It intrigued me, and it pulled me in so I was able to get through it quite easily.  For me, it came off as very 'indie' and almost 'avant-garde' so it's tough for me to review this based on "normal" (sry, for lack of a better term, lol) scripts that I'm usually accustomed with.  There's not many issues with the story itself I can think of, though there's sorta something I was wondering... Why did Christian make Iago relive the same day unless he stopped Danny from proposing?  And why specifically make him not propose?  I couldn't find any reason for that, and I'm not even sure if there's supposed to be one.  But for that reason, it kinda felt like a random plot he just pulled out of a hat or something.  With the characters, I felt there was lacking a certain arc with Iago and the other characters... I wasn't sure what kind of person he was at the start and how he changes at the end.

I'm going to see if I can fix that "Why is this happening question?" and the change. Greg, Rb(King), and you have detected that. I didn't see it before. My mistake. I'm coming up with some ideas on how to fix that.

Quoted Text It was a clean script, nice concise writing, few errors.  Except you still have a lot of "Alex"'s in the script instead of "Danny" and that confused me for a while until I figured out it was a typo.  Also, another one I remembered: "alter" should be "altar" (in the church scene).  Overall, it was an interesting, pretty fun script.  I wouldn't consider it horror at all though, just in my opinion.  More like a supernatural-themed comedy?  But it was decent.  Had a certain "Source Code"/"Groundhog Day" impression with the repeated day thing.  I don't know if this helps, but good luck with your revisions.

Thanks for the review. I've changed Alex to Danny. Don't know how that slipped by. And will work on what others have mentioned.

Will get to your review soon. I have it downloaded on my tablet.

Gabe

I downloaded Facade to my ipad yesterday so I'm going to read it.

Hey Gabe,

So I was going to get around to your script after I’d finished the 7WC’s but this seems to have a bit of attention recently and I was curious so I opened it up.

A time loop story, very easy to come off as confusing but I do the like the reader friendly 78 pages.

As usual I’ll leave my analysis of your story after I’ve finished.

Here some notes I took during the read:

P.1 “A handgun in a un-gloved hand.” Why emphasise about the un-gloved hand which isn’t unusual really? Normally you would emphasise if the hand was gloved I thought. Also shouldn’t “a” be “an”

“The holder is a OLDER MAN” Again, shouldn’t this be “an OLDER MAN”

I feel there is a better way to word this opening passage which comes off awkward at the moment.

“the Older Man spots us.” Strikes me odd, who’s us? Do you mean us the reader or a character?

“He glances at the dead pair.” So the couple’s dead… why did he point the handgun on them before?

“We follow” A nasty “we” here but it’s used in a context as in us the reader.

This feels like a role-playing game where you play a character in the story… not sure how I feel about this at the moment.

“He passes several average cars till arriving at a sleek
convertible.”

Cut out the superfluous detail

“He arrives at a sleek, black convertible”

“The Older Man enters driver side.” Maybe just me but I would like to see a “the” after enters here for a smoother read. Same with the passenger side as well.

“drives out of the apartment building.” Reads awkward and needs garage added in for me, you actually could just have garage instead of apartment building. Just a thought.

“Ambulance and police SIRENS are heard approaching.”

I think it would be very difficult to differentiate the two sirens when playing together from a distance. I think

“SIRENS are heard approaching” is enough, that’s the important part.

P.2 “myself,...” Why a comma and ellipsis here? Just curious.

“CHRISTIAN (30, blond) now drives. He’s still dressed
business casual as before and bears the scratch on his left
cheek.”

Didn’t care for his intro, why wasn’t he blond before?
“now drives” Who was driving before?
It’s then repeated info which you’ve already told us.

“I’m Christian. One word name. I’m a
shape shifting demon that goes both
ways.”

I’m glad this is a comedy because this had me laughing straight away… what does he mean exactly?

“I just have a thing for males and for blonds.”

This guy/demon is really sending out the signals.

“However, right now, my job will be to provide you with entertainment, Iago.”

So is Iago a character or are we Iago? He’s talking to us right?

“Now, I highly doubt you will want me to talk throughout this whole movie. So, I’ll let the visuals speak for themselves and, I’ll jump in when I feel I need too. Let’s get started.”

So basically He’ll jump in when there’s exposition needed. This is certainly different so far, I’ll be honest and say I’m on the fence at the moment.

P.3 “This lasts for a brief moment before he pulls back his
hand.”

How can we see his hand pulling back if it’s darkness?

“EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ENTRANCE – NIGHT”

I’m guessing the same apartment building as before? If not then you might want to try and separate the two locations as this will confuse the read.

P.4 “INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - FIFTH FLOOR HALLWAY – NIGHT”

Wonder if you considered moving to mini-slugs here as we’re still inside the building?

“He arrives and” Unneeded, could just start “He walks over to”

“Danny’s cell RINGS.” Who’s Danny? How do I know it’s his phone?

“He finds the apartment key, unlocks the apartment door” “apartment used twice in succession here, doesn’t look right and one could be taken out for the better.

I’m a bit confused about Danny, all we can see is that he’s bald but blood spews from the back of his head so he must be facing upwards so can we see his face right? I’m just a bit confused about what I’m visualising here.

“Sprinkles of blood cover his face and front nightwear.”

Does Iago live in Danny’s apartment? Found it odd that he’s in his nightwear whatever that is?

“near by” I thought nearby was one word.

P.4/5 I wonder if a series of shots would be better for this scene of Iago cleaning up, feels like this would take a while on screen with the entire packing and mopping etc. Just a thought.

P.5 “Undetected by Iago” So Christian is visible to Iago?

“A unemployed twenty six year old turned writer.” I would get rid of “turned” here.

“He has enlisted my services to torment Iago.” How I wonder? I don’t know if “enlisted” is right word here, depends on how he means that line I guess?

“A police officer five years away from receiving his pension.”

I just suddenly thought, did I miss Danny’s age? Five years from his pension and Iago is 26… how big is the age gap?

“Stuffs the towel in the garbage bag and leaves.”

I’m concerned as he actually hasn’t put any clothes on after the shower? Is he walking around naked now?

P.6 Phew… He’s put some clothes on.

I’d watch out for the use of “Danny’s” here on the top of page 6. Gets a bit repetitive to be honest and we know we’ll in his bedroom so is it really needed?

“lifts the top mattress up” Top? I don’t understand, is there a bottom mattress?

“leaves the apartment.” I didn’t understand why this was on its lonesome and not attached to the paragraph above?

“He’s off getting Alex’s car.” Who’s Alex? I thought he grabbed Danny’s car keys?

“I have the ability to skip certain scenes, actions, etc.”

I’m not sure about this? It doesn’t read right for some reason.

“Well, because it’s my story and, it’s important for the ending.” Is this Christian or you, Gabe?

P.8 “Duffel bag strapped over the shoulder, Iago drags the
elongated garbage bag out.”

This comes off confusing as the slug states he’s in the foyer but then the elevator door opens so this would mean he’s still the elevator right? That means this line above is confusing, I’m unsure whether he’s dragging the bag from the elevator or the foyer? Just needs to be clearer IMO.

“sticks the elongated garbage bag and duffel bag in and shuts the door.”

Didn’t seem to have much trouble putting a body in the back seat, seems like it would be more difficult. Maybe add something about him "struggling” to get the bag in the back seat.

“through the passenger window.” So we’ll not going with them?

“EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST – NIGHT”

Don’t know about the slug being exactly what Christian said… why not just “FOREST”

P.9 “He fills up the hole as fast as possible.’ Think Christian might have to do one of his fast-forward tricks here… it would take a little while to fill up that hole. Or there’s the “later” option.

“His "night vision" allows him to see the ceiling. Blinks.”

Huh? Is he wearing goggles? I don’t understand as there’s been no mention of his “night vision” before?

“A DARK FIGURE stands over him” Wouldn’t he be able to see him with the night vision?

P.10 “Have it you’re way” Should be your.

“The black ring rests in the center.”Have we seen this ring before? I can’t remember it… it’s just you have “the” black ring like we should know instead of “A black ring”

“Picking the ring with one hand” I would add “up” after picking for a smoother read.

I’m guessing this ring has some relevance because you seem to have a lot to say about him tossing it around before catching it in his mouth… is it the engagement ring which was buried with Danny? If so, why is it black? Funny colour for an engagement ring.

“he kicks-up spitting out the contents” I don’t understand the kicks-up part? Is he putting his feet up? I think maybe he’s standing but I’m not sure.

“He stands” Sorry, it can’t be him standing as he goes on to do that… yeah not sure about that description “kicks-up”

Had to separate this over two posts.

Continuing on:

P.11 “flick of his finger” Wondered if this should be “click of his fingers”

“Christian hits Iago in the Adam’s apple.” And he’s eating an “apple”

“Christian steps back.” Huh? I just suddenly thought, where is he stepping? He was at Iago’s side but he’s hanging up in a tree, is Christian in the tree?

P.12 “You’re task” Your task.

“Christian stops about a yard away.” Again, I’m confused where he is at the moment?

“He comes running and (POW!)” There, you may need to add something about Iago falling from the rope trap if this is happening on the ground. Or change the earlier description and have Christian on the ground eating the apple.

Also not sure about the “pow” kinda of old Batman style wouldn’t you say.

And that is one high kick if Iago is still hanging, Van Damme would be proud.

P.12 “He’s 45, kempt, and a bit out of shape.” So about 20 years difference between the brothers, does feel quite long IMO and wonder if needs to be such a difference.

The “out of shape” line also references back to what I was saying earlier about him struggling with the elongated bag, gives it more realism.

“He still wears the nightwear he had the night he died.” This reads a tad awkward, why in his nightwear during the day?

“Danny senses Iago’s confused expression.” Wouldn’t he see this rather sensing it?

P.13 “INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT” I would add a flashback to the slug here or even better “quick flash” It wouldn’t add any extra space and make things a tiny bit clearer.

“Iago’s trying to answer that same question.” Feel this is unneeded and doesn’t read right.

“A answer comes to him.” A should be An

P.14 “INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - IAGO’S BEDROOM – DAY” Why a longer slug when before it was just “IAGO’S BEDROOM”?

“touching the back portion of Danny’s head.” Think you could cut “portion” from this sentence.

“Christian pops into the screen from the side.” He keeps popping in but what is he doing in between his scenes? I just keep imagining him standing there working over his lines for some reason.

P.15 “Do you know where’s my ring?” Reads very awkward, read it out loud.

“Iago’s caught off guard by this memory. He tries again.”

Can you be caught “off guard” by a memory? Not sure to be honest, I just know I never have.

“Iago’s now one hundred percent concerned.” Think this could be better handled. Try to show this concern in his actions like rushing from the room or going pale… just some visual to push this across.

P.16 “Danny is behind Iago.” Or “Danny stands behind Iago” Gets rid of that nasty “is”

“I checked the hallway, my bedroom,
the bathroom, living room. The only
place left is your room.”

What’s Danny checking for? A minute ago he was asking what he dreamt about and hugging.

P.18 “She’s coming over. She
called this morning and, I told her
to come over. I have her call in my
cell. I’ll show it to you.”

This line of dialogue reads all wrong. Why state she’s coming over then say “I told her to come over” And how can he show him a call on his cell? Is it a voice/text message?

“I’m going to step away, alright?” I was a little confused by this line and then…

“Iago steps away.” Has he just stepped to the side? I don’t get why you tell someone you’re stepping aside? If you’re going out or something I can understand but this sounds so unnatural to me. And he has just literally stepped to the side, hasn’t left the room or anything.

“Iago recognizes that name, Christian. O.S., someone KNOCKS
on the apartment door.” I would change the place of that O.S here, it tripped me up and would also work at the end of the sentence to avoid any confusion.

P.20 Iago gazes at Christian like he’s an alien from outer
space. Or a demon from hell.

“Sacred shit, Iago waits for the answer.” That’s one special piece of shit. Think you mean scared but I would get rid of “shit” doesn’t add anything to the sense that he’s scared.

“starts getting dressed” Just right there in front of Danny and Christian.

P.21 “Do you know where the ring is?” Now that sounds more natural.

“GIANNA (late 20s, pornstar hot)” If she’s hot then it raises the question of why she’s with a over-weight 45 year old police officer who lives in an apartment with his brother? Just a thought and it may yet be revealed.

P.22 “Christian presses first floor.” Might want to add “button” in here somewhere.

“Christian gives Iago that "you know what I’m talking about"
look.”

There has now been a few of these, they’re okay in small quantities but try not to go overboard IMO, and they can become tiresome.

P.23 “And no, I’m not him that your thinking of.” Think that “And no, I’m not him” would work a lot better here especially either the line that follows. Just a thought.

“Christian gives us that "Is this guy serious?" look before
looking back at Iago.” And here’s another one of these looks, I would calm down on this.

I don’t like Iago’s response “anything” to the question, this sounds too neutral, he seemed to push this as in he wanted to see something specific and then this answer… maybe I missed something.

P.24 “The fact that your brother and brother’s girlfriend” Why doesn’t he use their names?

“Grins. Christian stands and starts the elevator.” This read odd, why not “Christian grins, stands and starts the elevator”

“Christian closes the elevator door.” How? Does he literally pull the doors close? Either they would close on their own or you have to push the button from within the elevator which Christian just walked out of.

Right I’ve stopped at page 26 for now and will continue as time allows.

Well I can see why there was a bit of confusion at the beginning and I have to be honest and say I don’t understand all this “we” in the story.

It seems to have no relevance, if you took it away then it probably wouldn’t affect the plot too much, okay you’d have to throw in some more exposition from the characters but otherwise, I don’t see too much would change.

It can come off confusing at the moment, it seems Iago killed Danny and is now reliving that day? Why he killed Danny or why a demon called Christian is making him relive that day are still a bit unclear to me at the moment? Obviously this could be better explained as I read on so I hold judgement.

One thing that has concerned me is the lack of comedy in this first act, it’s supposed to be a dark comedy but I haven’t found much of it funny to be honest. Yes, comedy is subjective and all but I think the majority would fail to find any comedy here but this is just my amateur opinion.

Should continue on over the weekend, time permitting of course.

Hope this helps.

Steve
    

Thanks Coop,

Appreciate the review. It doesn't matter if someone's an amateur. It still counts.

I'll answer some issues for now. I'll get to the rest later:

The use of "We". I know it's a no-no in screenwriting. However, I felt it was appropriate since Christian talks to us. He breaks the 4th wall. The other characters, Iago, Danny, and Gianna, are not aware of the 4th wall being broken. It's like Ferris Bueller or Funny Games. Not sure why people are confused about it.  

Alex. Alex is supposed to be Danny. I'm changing every Alex to Danny. My bad.  

There are some misspellings like sacred shit. lol. My bad again. Trying to fix it.

I tried making this a simple, quick read. So instead of "he enters the driver side", I'll put "He enters driver side". It's still the same message, just shorter.

I'll change the ring. This was a short for a Soul Shadows Series we had on SS. A bunch of writers wrote shorts dealing with an object. I chose a black ring.  I think I'll change it to a diamond ring.  

I think you might not be pleased with the ending or with the scene that's coming up.  When you read it, rest assured that I removed it. lol. I'm experimenting with a lot of stuff in this script that I'm planning to use in my writing from now on.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Jumping back into your script today.

P.26” Me either. But it happened.”

What are they remembering here? Seems strange that Danny would remember himself being dead? Maybe it doesn’t mean this but it reads that way.

“And who did I hear it from?” Yeah, who? He doesn’t actually tell us.

“I can’t remember them” How convenient.

“Iago stays silent.” I wonder why you throw this action in twice here on this page? It is to stop Danny’s dialogue being too long? Just feels redundant.

P.27 “I had a blackout.” Now I understand what they’re talking about… I would have this at the start of the conversation to stop confusion.

Isn’t Danny concerned about going to get himself checked out? He’s not mentioning anything about going to see a doctor or going to the hospital… thought he might be a tad more concerned.

“Gianna bought some Chinese food” When? She wasn’t carrying any when she left the elevator? Think you might have mentioned something about her carrying a paper bag of food.

“Want?” Think this should be extended “Want some of this food, Iago?” It doesn’t read right and she could mean anything.

P.28 “Unnoticeable, Christian speaks to us.” Might want to rephrase this, I don’t think you mean he’s unnoticeable to us?

“After all he’s
experienced especially the
elevator incident, Iago went to
sleep ...the...whole...day.”

A lot wrong with this line I’m afraid, worse being that it sounds like a fairy tale childrens book. There’s also a double space between “experience” and “incident” maybe there was supposed to be a comma there? Spotted a few times where it looked double spaced in the middle of dialogue... maybe it's your software.

“A fake, disgraced look from Christian.” Why is he faking a look?

P.29/30 A personal nitpick, the dialogue goes over two pages here and it’s something that looks messy IMO.

“I checked the my bedroom, foyer” Take out “the”

“Iago looks at Danny for any sign if his joking.” I’d reword this line, reads awkward as is.

“ALEX’S BEDROOM” Okay I won’t mention it again, I know you’re aware of it. Was Danny originally called Alex?

I don’t think a montage is needed here, it’s just all repeated info and scenes… You can have Iago think about it but I see no reason to show it.

P.31 “Probably nervous in proposing to Gianna.” Change “in” for “about” for a smoother read.

Has Iago really got Christian as a contact in his phone, it’s a demon. Also why has a powerful demon got a phone, can’t see him going down to Vodafone to sort out a phone plan.

“CHRISTIAN
(from cell)”

Shouldn’t this be (V.O)?

P.32 “How does he look like?” Should this be “What does he look like?”

“Iago hands the cell over with Christian’s picture on to
Danny.”

Cut “to Danny” pretty obvious and will clear up this orphan. I would keep an eye out for orphan’s… not something I’m particularly bothered about but I have spotted quite a few and they could be easy fixes.

P.33 “The guy’s a demon who wants to punish me for not killing you.”

I thought he was punishing him for killing Danny? I thought he was supposed to relive the day he killed Danny? I find it strange that he’s getting punished for not killing Danny? I mean Christian was hired by Danny or so he said… yeah things still haven’t become clear yet?

“clearly not expecting that.” I think this can go, you’re stating the obvious as in us the reader know this. If he wasn’t surprised, that would be worth mentioning.

“He’s wants to hurt me.” Should be “he”.

“Don’t go outside. Problem solved.” Really! Isn’t Danny a cop, think he would be more clever than this. Honestly, it’s an apartment, not Fort Knox.

“he might use Gianna to get you.” Think should be “Gianna to get to you”

“How would I come up with this crazy story?” I would get rid of this line.

P.34 “I can’t multitask.” This will please a few readers, well my partner always tells me men can’t multitask.

“(late 20’s, dark haired, and bears a scratch
on his left cheek).”

Why do you do all your descriptions in parenthesis like this? Just curious.

P.35 “Might if I use your bathroom?” Should be “mind if I use your bathroom?”

OFFICER WILLIE
Can you get me some water?

Should he be (O.S)? We haven’t changed slugs.

“How’s the day going?” Would you ask this question with what’s happening? And isn’t it morning still?

P.37 “Christian smiles and drags Danny’s body into Iago’s room.”

Why did he drag Danny’s body into the living room just too instantly drag it out to Iago’s room? It’s just extra work for himself.

It’s just occurred to me that with Danny dead, he won’t be able to propose to Gianna so has Iago achieved his mission… I’m guessing not.

P.38 DANNY
One Mississippi...Two
Mississippi...Three
Mississippi...Four...Five
Mississippi...Six
Mississippi...Seven
Mississippi...Eight...Nine
Mississippi...Ten.

There has got to be another way to do this through action like

            DANNY
      One Mississippi…

Danny continues to count to 10 Mississippi.

It would look a lot nicer on the page. Just a thought.

“A couple of minutes pass before he returns” So are we literally watching the closet for two minutes? I don’t think we are so you can cut the start of this sentence. Just start with “He returns…”

P.40 “Gianna sits opposite of him.” No need for “of” here “Gianna sits opposite him.”

P.41 “A lot of bullshit talking is going to take place now.”

He doesn't have to be that honest.

Okay, so I laughed at the sex scene between Gianna and Danny. The dialogue is just laughable here, maybe that was your intention... I’m not sure? I don't know how everyone will feel about it but it did make me giggle for some reason.

Also thought that Danny was into blond males?

P.42 “An O face of outrage from Gianna.” I have absolutely no idea what this means?

This scene needs some work and goes into spoof territory for me. Nothing reads right throughout and although I laughed, I think it was for all the wrong reasons.

P.44 I know I said I wouldn’t mention it again but Alex is talking here?

P.45 “the alter” Altar. And again on page 47.

I would get rid of the priest’s service unless it’s important? I just found it boring but I’m not the religious type. I just felt you could have started then had a “later” thrown in to push it along or get Christian to do his trick here.

I would also cap worshipers as they speak in the scene as you have it.

P.47 Sir, I would need to ask you to leave? Take out “would” or better yet “Sir, I need you to leave”

Also Christian dancing his way to altar to hip hop music… I’m really not following.

P.48 “Worshipers either hide and call on the cops” Take out “on” To be fair, the whole sentence is a bit of a mouthful and could be split up for the better.

P.49 “He raises his eyebrows like Groucho Marx.” Why is he doing this?

I have no idea what Christian is talking about? Maybe I’m being stupid but who is Mr. Y?

The last five pages have just flown straight over my head I’m sorry to say.

Again had to spread over two posts.

Continuing on:

P.50 “The name of the song you are listening to is...” Nice marketing ploy.

“Iago plops down at the chair.”

Shouldn’t this be “plops “on” the chair”

“Danny senses Iago’s confusion.”

Again, Danny seems to be sensing people’s emotions… why not give this some visual strength.

P.52 “Iago re-thinks about it again.” How will this look on screen. Is he stopping every time and actually thinking for a few seconds… it’s harming the flow sometimes.

P.53 I’m no grammar expert by any means but I would watch out for the placement of your comma’s. A few seem to be positioned wrong and it can affect the rhythm of the read. Just a thought.

P.54 “What’s the police’s protocol for that?” Protocol on what? Revealing your crime to an angel.

“I guess that will work.”

I don’t understand why he doesn’t just tell Danny here, and stop with all the lies about the book.

Also Danny and Gianni seem rather gullible and oblivious to what’s happening. Don’t they wonder why he’s leaving the apartment instead of writing?

P.55 Christian tells us we’re not going to the police station because it’s no fun. Iago fighting himself sounds like a lot of fun to me… more fun than that Church scene before anyway.

“Iago slams his face against the small window on the door.” This reads awkward, almost like he’s slamming his own face into the glass? I thought he was fighting one of Christian’s friends?

“Next day.” Iago’s clocking up the penalty fees now.

“Danny enters from the hallway and searches the living room.”

I did understand what you’re doing here but I would add a transition “next day” Something to break it here unless it could confuse some readers.

P.56 “Or I’ll fucking kill if you don’t.” Missing “you” after kill.

Wow! Danny seems to take the abuse rather well, too well if you ask me.

Secondly, it’s Danny’s apartment. If Iago really cared and didn’t want to do anything, wouldn’t he leave himself?

P.57 “Iago remains silent. He knows he’s going to lose.” More of this “remains silent” business. Need to calm down on this.
Also, what’s he going to lose?

P.58 “This is gay.” He said it! There’s been a gay undercurrent throughout, the odd reference here and there. Don’t know if this was intentional?

“a inescapable hold” Should be “an”

“Working out and salsa.” That’s the secret formula. What is Danny talking about? I thought he was the overweight one of the two?

P.59 Watch out for “your” and “you’re.” I’ve now seen few issues of this now where one should be used instead of the other.

“Get yourself ready.” I thought he had just woken up but he’s being told to get ready to go out tonight? The time has been really confusing, what time is he supposed to be waking up each time during the day? I assumed it was morning but sometimes it doesn’t feel like from their actions.

I think some “morning” “afternoon” slugs are in order sometimes during the story. Just to help the reader understand what time it is.

“Iago remains silent.” Here’s that line again, becoming repetitive now. Try to mix it up a bit.

“I can’t make you spend on me.” Reads unnatural to me, some of the dialogue could do with some work.

Well that was a real soppy moment… But this doesn’t change anything and I can’t see how Iago going to a club is going to help his situation. He went from warning Danny off to going clubbing with him and Gianni.

P.60 “compassionate” Why is Christian compassionate? Seems out of character.

P.61 “A inebriated Danny” Wow! Now that’s a word for “wasted” I had to look it up.

“Go out and dance then.” Shouldn’t dance be teach?

I wonder if you need some mini-slugs for different areas to break up some of this action in the club.

“Iago moves from Danny and Gianna” When did he move beside them? I must have missed it.

P.62 Those “gay” signals are coming back here in the bathroom.

P.63 “You’re guess” Another instance, should be your.

P.64 “Post pone” Postpone is one word.

P.65 Christian isn’t on screen during the call so shouldn’t he be (O.S) on the phone call.

Didn’t Danny see or hear Iago talking on the phone? Isn’t he interested?

P.69 “Well, I came out of my room when I blacked out. Where were you?” This strikes me as an odd question. He knows where he was because he just woke up in bed.

“What if it’s a mental illness” Finally he’s concerned, it took him a long time though.

P.70 “12:00.” I think “noon” or “mid-day” would work better.

P.71 More wrestling from the brothers. It’s like their teenagers at times, they’re so childish. Danny’s supposed to be a 45 year old police officer.

P.72 I don’t understand where Danny is getting all this inhaling toxic fumes from.

P.73 The scenes are beginning to move a lot faster now but that might be down to seeing this scene with Iago waking up keep playing over and over again.

P.74 “You never said this.” This should be that.

P.75 “it would like Danny’s sleeping.” Missing “look” after would.

“and drinks from a gallon of water.” That was sudden, where did he get it from in the kitchen?

P.77 “Iago closes his eyes.” And suddenly Danny is (O.S) Are we seeing this through Iago’s P.O.V? It wasn’t mentioned.

P.78 “That doesn’t make me liar.” Missing “a” after me.

“It makes him stupid for not having figured it out.” That makes two of us I’m afraid.

And again how can we see anything in darkness?

So, you said I wouldn’t like the ending and you’re absolutely right. I have to be honest and say this ending really is poor and needs to be changed. I’ve never known anything to end like this, he basically tells us that the protag didn’t find out his goal so I’m ending it here.

And let’s be clear on what exactly he missed because I missed it as well. So at the beginning we meet Iago who has killed his brother. We find out that Danny (and this never gets made clear) has enlisted Christian to torment Iago.

So firstly, where did he enlist a demon? I’m guessing in the afterlife after he died, which would mean he went to hell right? I mean I doubt heaven hires out tormentors for the day.

So anyway after dumping Danny, Christian tells Iago that he has to relive that day he killed Danny. Okay, I kinda see this, he wants to torment him by making him kill his brother every day. It’s a horrible thing to do so reliving it would be like eternal hell.

But what he’s told is that he has to do is stop Danny from proposing to Gianni, pretty simple.

He then finally goes onto do this only to be told that this wasn’t what he needed to do. It ends basically with us getting told what he needed to do… The end.

Now to me that is damn confusing, why Danny would hire someone to stop himself from marrying Gianni is strange for starters.

What’s even stranger is when Iago wakes up after his first encounter with Christian, he never shows any signs of being that killer we saw before who killed and dumped Danny’s body. There is never a hint of killing Danny for whatever reason until the final 5 pages when he figures that is what he must do.

Now that is an immediate change in character wouldn’t you say? I mean what drove him to kill Danny and be in this situation in the first place? There is some story that comes out about him being jealous but this didn’t ring true enough for me.

So the overall story wasn’t for me I’m afraid to say. It was too unconventional with so many plot holes that I think anybody would struggle to fill them up. Just too many questions left once finished for me sorry to say. (Who was the couple in the garage in the first scene?)

The characters could have been better developed and most failed to make an impact for me.

Iago was very unlikeable and the fact that we never found any motivation for him until late didn’t help. For starters why did he kill Danny? That was a massive question you threw out there in the opening pages, we see him bagging him and dumping him in the forest? Why?

When his reason became apparent vary late on, it was too juvenile for my liking and for this reason and many other’s I just didn’t care about his story.

Danny was probably the most likeable of the bunch, I mean he was the poor bastard who got killed about 4-5 times during the story so you got to feel a little sorry for him.

But again, he didn’t have enough substance. We never found out anything about him really. Anything we did find out or know was through that exposition from Christian in the opening pages.

Gianni was just weak and had nothing to do, all she did was bring Chinese food around… you need to give her some more meaning to these characters.

I found it strange that you didn’t use her as the reason why the brother’s relationship is so heated and Iago killed Danny. Maybe they both love and want her. It certainly would up the ante between them and give Gianni more to do.

Which brings us to Christian. Don’t get me wrong, he had personality and was certainly your joker in the pack, the difference here.

But on the whole and apart from some very cute lines (some I don’t even know if you intended that way) He was just irritating, sorry.

All he did was break up any story or character development you had going. He basically was our DVD controller, he skipped the scenes we didn’t want to see only he was in control of it and we all know how men like to keep hold of the controller.

I think the funny demon thing can work and it’s been done many times before. I remember a show called Reaper where the devil played by Ray Wise was damn funny and he stole very scene he was in. What I’m saying is this character could work but they way you’ve played it with him being some kind of game show host just didn’t work for me.

The writing was okay and you definitely broke the action up well, tons of white space on the page which is always nice to see.

Some concerns would be your phrasing and can come off awkward at times and disrupts the flow.

Other things like repetitive sentences and what not I’ve mentioned in the notes.

Also keep an eye on your character movements during certain scenes, I remember one where Iago was supposed to be hanging up in a tree but Christian was walking around beside him?

The dialogue is in need of some work and comes off very unnatural at times but dialogue is difficult and this is a first draft so I wouldn’t expect it to be right up to scratch.

Onto the “4th wall” debate and all of the “we” Good on you for trying something new or different if you like but for me it didn’t work and had no bearing on the main story. I actually thought it harmed your story and is something you should consider changing. Just my thoughts.

The day loop thing you did okay, it’s always a difficult task to do the same scene over and over and not make it repetitive but on the whole, think you did a good job.

The comedy was lacking IMO and I never really saw this as a comedy or horror to be honest. There were a few graphic scenes but they’re few and far between.

So overall, I personally feel this needs a lot of work with certain aspects needing to go. While all the characters need to be fleshed out more.

One area which needs to be changed and I can’t stress this enough is your ending… it’s all well making 90 percent of your script great but if that ending isn’t changed, the audience will feel cheated. Just a thought.

Well done for getting a feature done in such a short time but I feel you need to go back to drawing board with one. Sorry, Gabe.

Hope this helps.

Steve

Hey Coop, thanks for the review.

The amount of work you've put your in review I will return back with replying...until you have your feature posted.   

Gabe

He  Gabe, figured I owe you a read as I’m pretty sure I said I’d read your ‘Max’s Travelling Circus’ script and never got round to it.  As this seems to be your latest I thought I’d give this a read.

I notice Coop has given you a pretty in depth review so I’ll no doubt cover some old ground here but I didn’t want to read his notes as I wanted an open mind on this.

A couple of early typo’s but I won’t dwell on them, I always some too.

‘Us’ and ‘we’ are always frowned upon but I’m not sure how you would get round it here.  You obviously want some camera direction...also sometimes frowned upon lol.

Top of page 2, you introduce Christian as the ‘Older Man’ and then tell us that he still wears the same clothes and has the same scar? Why wouldn’t he, he’s just got in the car hasn’t he? This confused me as to whether more time had elapsed than I thought?

The first few pages were interesting and I get the feeling this could be a very different read?  Interesting how Christian is talking to us, Iago...are ‘we’ Iago?

Page 4; Danny’s cell rings?  Who’s Danny and how do we know it’s his cell that’s ringing in the apartment?  It’s a bit confusing this bit as at first I thought we’d gone into the apartment.

How long would it take Iago to clean up Danny’s body?  It’s only a few lines but I think it would be a minute or more on screen.

So are we no Iago?  We, the viewer, can now see him, right?

Okay, I’m back in the know.  Christian’s sent by Danny to right his murder at the hands of Iago?  Who are we, the viewer?  Wait, I’ve lost it again.  Are we a new Demon and learning from Christian?  I hope I find out.

I like Christian’s dialogue, very funny.  When he say’s he’s going to skip to Iago at the car, why then do we see him exiting the building with the body, I thought this was going to be cut?  Also, who is Alex?

The Motel scene confused me.  Is Iago wearing Night vision goggles?  It also reads like P.O.V. scene, with the blinks and the figure appearing as his eyes re-open.

Page 10 ‘you’re way’, should be ‘your way’  Again on page 12.

How high is Iago in the tree as Christian is beside him?  Is Iago dead then?

Okay I’m on page 12 and the ‘smash to black’ so I’ll quickly some up my thoughts so far.  As you can tell, I’ve had a few problems following some of the action but the story is very interesting.  Christian’s a good narrator and he’s keeping the story moving well, it’s a very different approach from what I was expecting.  I’m interested to see where you go with the rest of the story.  I’d say you need to clean up a few mistakes; Danny/Alex being one.  I’m guessing you changed character names and a few slipped through.

Page 15, ‘Do you knows where my ring’.  Not sure this makes sense?

Page 19, You have a slug for ALEX’S APARTMENT?

Iago and Danny seem to get along well, weird when the night before Iago ‘murdered’ him.  I know he’s freaked out by the fact that he’s now not dead but if Danny has no problems with Iago, why the thought of murder?  Was Iago jealous of Gianna?

Would Danny not wonder who Christian was?

‘pornstar hot’ lol, love this!

Iago leaves with Christian but returns alone after a few minutes.  Would Danny not wonder why he’s back and why Christian’s not with him?

Something just dawned on me, isn’t Danny in his forties? Why is a ‘pornstar hot’ girl dating him when he clearly isn’t rich?

Danny says ‘Me either, but it happened and who did I hear it from’?  Not sure I get this remark?  If it’s to do with Iago bashing in his brothers head with the baton then why does Danny seem to know this.  Iago never mentioned how he killed him in his ‘dream’, just that he did.

Gianna brought food but you never said she had it when she left the elevator?

Top of page 30, Danny says, ‘I checked the my bedroom...’, think ‘the’ should be ‘in’?

I’ve noticed a lot of ‘thinking about things and thinking back’ descriptions.  Some like this ‘thinks back to what Christian said in the forest’ don’t work for me.  How do we know that he’s thinking of this specific time?  The V.O. should tell us all we need to know.

Typo page 31. Christian on the phone says ‘...nothing compared to what your going to get from me’.  Should be ‘you’re’.

Same page Danny says ‘How does he look like?’  Should be ‘What’, I think?

Why does Danny text Gianna immediately after phoning her?  Oh wait, did he leave a voice message so felt the need to text too?

Danny’s assumption that this guy might want Gianna to get to Iago is a big one.  Iago blurts out that someone wants to hurt him and, I know Danny’s a cop but, he goes all paranoid and stuff.  Also Danny gets one of his friends, I assume a cop, to check the building.  Why didn’t he check, he’s got a baton and a gun in the apartment hasn’t he?

Okay I just went back to the start to check something.  Is Willie actually Christian, scratch on cheek but different coloured hair?  Interesting if it is...maybe not as Iago didn’t recognise him.

Page 35 typo, ‘Might if I use your bathroom?’ Should be ‘Mind’.

Page 36, Alex re-appears.

How would we know Christian/Danny is wearing one of Iago’s shirts, does it not fit him properly?

‘A couple of minutes pass’, not sure this is good. Iago is sat in the closet for a couple of minutes and nothing happens.

If Iago’s in the closet while Gianna and Christian/Danny are right outside in Danny’s bedroom, why doesn’t he make some noise.  Could he not bang something and muffle scream?

Bottom of page 41, Alex again.

I’m guessing Christian/Danny went for some backdoor pleasure with Gianna?  Hence why she gave an ‘o’ face?

So far...Iago kills his brother Danny because he’s jealous but Christian intervenes and Danny is resurrected.  Iago is given the task of preventing Danny from proposing to Gianna but when he messes up Christian takes control of Willie’s body and kills Danny before changing into Danny and killing both Gianna and Iago?  Why?  Am I missing something or will this become clearer toward the end?  I don’t understand why Christian wants Iago to stop Danny from marrying Gianna, she’s not a blonde male lol.

Page 44, Alex in dialogue and description.

I like the image on Christian dancing to hip-hop in the church but it raises another question for me.  It’s a ridiculous sight and very funny but a few minutes earlier Christian was basically raping Gianna after cutting Iago’s eyelids off.  I’m not sure which genres this is drifting between.  I did find it funny though lol.  The speech from Christian, although humorous is a tad long too.

Page 53, Alex.

The dialogue on page 54 confused me.  Iago says he wants to find the Angel and that his ‘character’ has gotten away with murder but Danny says they can’t arrest you for something you haven’t done?  He’s just said he did it and what has going to the Police got to do with find the Angel?

Iago tells Danny to leave and his response is to ‘talk about it’.  Isn’t it Danny’s place?  Would he not tell Iago to piss off?

Danny gives Iago a speech about staying shape to get the girls, isn’t he ‘out of shape’?  He also says ‘we’re going out tonight, get yourself ready’, he’s just got up hasn’t he, is it an all day session?  Also Christian has warned Iago that he must stop Danny from proposing to Gianna before the day is out but we skip the day and it’s night at the club.  Did Gianna not come over and has the events changed?

Iago smushes with Christian lol

Iago’s response to being back in the bedroom is great.  His attitude comes across as ‘can’t be arsed anymore’ and is works well.

Page 68, ‘A idea hits Iago’, should ‘An’.

Same page Iago says ‘Must forgot I put it there’, should be ‘must’ve’.

Why does Danny ask Iago where he was when they blacked out?  Iago was in his room when Danny entered?

Page 69 ‘your crazy look’, should be ‘you’re crazy look’.

Iago is adamant he is not leaving with Danny then he just changes his mind and goes.

Page 75, ‘it would like Danny’s sleeping’, missed out ‘look’.

Same page, photos of Alex.

Iago closes his eyes and then Danny’s dialogue is V.O.  If this is the case it should be ‘fade to black’ or something as ‘we’ can still see Danny.

Got to say the ending didn’t work for me.  I was waiting for some twist or Iago suddenly realising what he had to do but it just ended with Christian saying he should do what he did on the first night.  This then leads me to think, what was all about then?

I re-read the beginning and then wondered who the couple were that Christian shot?  Who are ‘we’ that travels with Christian in the car?  Who is Mr. Parks?  Who sent Christian and what was the real task about?  If Iago killed Danny and seemingly got away with it why did Christian bring Danny back and make Iago do the whole thing all over again with the brief that he had to stop the proposal but really he just had to kill Danny and get away with it?  It’s far too confusing for me.

Iago doesn’t really try too hard to stop Danny proposing either.  Could he not have just asked him to think about it for a few more days?  This seems academic anyway as we never see Danny propose to Gianna.  This would have made a better ‘finger clicking time’.  Every time Danny got down on one knee, we bounce back to the previous day.

Danny seems much younger than 45, what with all the wrestling and the hot chick girlfriend.  He also seems to get on very well with Iago which makes his murder at the hands of his brother seem all the more stupid.

Maybe if Iago was jealous of Gianna and flirted with her, it would at least give an inclination of why he would want to bump off his brother.  At the moment there seems no reason at all.  Okay Iago has no job but he’s living with his much older brother who appears to be a fantastic guy, I just see why he would want him dead.  Iago said Danny got more from their parents but there’s evidence of this, what if Danny got the apartment from them and Iago got squat?

I did find some things funny.  The ground hog day thing was good and iago’s enthusiasm drained every time Danny came in asked about the ring.  The gore seemed a bit out of place and the story would probably work better without it.

It’s a decent idea but at the moment it’s too confusing and the main problem is that your protag has no real goal.  He doesn’t achieve anything and the story seemingly runs out and you give us no ending, thus leaving us feel a bit cheated.

I hope you find something helpful from these notes.

Hey alffy,

Thanks for the review. I will definitely respond to each comment soon. However, I'm currently rewriting this script. Once done, I will respond back.

Thanks again,
Gabe

Gabe, so here's an offer...I'll happily check out the rewrite if you want?

Sure, Alffy.

But you got to let me know what script you would like me to read of yours. I would prefer a feature since this is a feature.

I forgot to mention that most of your issues were also mentioned. I have fixed some. I'm still working on the other issues. lol

Gabe

No worries about reading anything of mine.  I've only two features and ones is well old.  Don't know if you read the other called 'Pub Lunch'? You can read it if you want but don't put yourself out.  I don't mind reviewing scripts from regulars who take the time to post back.  Just let me know when the rewrite is up.

No problem then. Thanks Alffy. I'll prob have it up soon cause of dropbox. Best thing ever! .

Gabe

I've got dropbox but have no idea how it works?

I sent you a pm. Dropbox is so beautiful.

Some I’m about half way through and wanted to give a little review before I forgot what I was going to say. As far as your narrative you do tend to tell what’s going on, and that carries over to Christian who tells us what’s going on. This leaves little room for subtext. I’m not sure why Iago murdered his brother in the first place cause that he’s not a character I feel too sorry for.

Christian becomes intrusive keeps popping up before things even happen. Your opponent, Christian is way stronger than Iago and all we see is Christian attacking and Iago not attacking back. Maybe this will all change, but I’m going to try and finish reading in order to help.

A pitfall in your premise is how do you avoid becoming repetitive cause he’s doomed to repeat the scene. Tough task.

BLB

Thanks BLB

I'm currently revising this at the moment, but still appreciate your view on it. Hopefully, I can have the revised version posted up today. And then, get to answering some comments that were left by Coop, alffy and you.


Gabe

Wanted to let people know I posted up the revised version. Been working on this one a lot since I'm planning to submit this to Shriekfest tomorrow. lol.

CHANGES:
Deleted 2 scenes (rape scene and ending)
Added 3 new scene (that include a new ending)
Deleted some of Christian's dialogue
Shortened scenes

Thanks to all for your input. I tried to incorporate as much of the reviews into the script while keeping my style in.

Will appreciate any reviews.

New logline:  A young man struggles to figure out how to stop reliving the day he killed his brother. 67 pgs.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley CHANGES: Deleted 2 scenes (rape scene and ending) Added 3 new scene (that include a new ending).

I'm glad to hear you've changed the ending, Gabe. It honestly didn't work the way you had it.

I also see that this is 67 pages now... is that right? You must have cut quite a bit.

Hey Coop,

I changed the ending for something better, I hope. According to Greg, he loved it and wanted what I wrote as the ending. lol. Gary commented on the same thing too so, I tried to  make the script aim for that ending.

I shortened or combined a lot of scenes together based on the reviews I got. I tried my best to incorporate as much as possible while still keeping my style.  My main focus for this script was always Iago. No one else. I think I accomplished that. Going to revise today for the last time before I submit this to Shriekfest today. Any reads would be appreciated. I'll understand if it's not possible. lol.  

Gabe  

PS. I will get to commenting the reviews left on here soon. I just want to finish this first.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Going to revise today for the last time before I submit this to Shriekfest today. Any reads would be appreciated. I'll understand if it's not possible. lol.

Sorry, Gabe. I didn't have any time to give this another read before you submitted. Also, I don't think a revised version is up yet? I wish you all the best with Shriekfest.

Hey Coop,

The revised version is up. Dropbox is beautiful.

I actually cut two more pages out of this before submitting this to Shriekfest. lol.

But any review is helpful.

Thanks for the best wishes,
Gabe

So now you're at 65 pages, Gabe?  Is that where you want to be fro a feature length script?  I don't see how that makes any sense, personally.

Hey Jeff,

According to Shriekfest, a feature is a script above 50 pages. Each contest has their own definition of what constitutes a feature.

I think my script is fine now. I eliminated what I felt was bs, tried to incorporate as much of the helpful advice I received from others, and kept the focus on Iago. I'm coming back to this later on and revise it. But for now, I'm going to take a break from it and work on MTC.  

On a positive note, it's going to be a interesting, quick read.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.  I buzzed through your story today, at a terse 65 pages.  I tend to move anything less than 75 pages to Shorts -- but that is for strangers on the boards -- so I will let this sit where it is unless you specifically request a move.

I can easily spot the influences from the SoulShadows series, recognizing some portions of your entry into that series, and I liked that.

I also liked that this might be the most coherent piece you have ever written.  I think you already know you have a tendency to get ahead of yourself and confuse the reader, but that never happened here.

I am not sure how much has changed since your first posting, but I am happy to report that I followed everything just fine, even with all of your time-bending elements in place.  So, well done on that.

I think I get what you are doing with the character of Christian.  He is equal parts amusing and menacing, and while effective for the most part, you do sometimes lay it on kind of thick.  The scene at the church was wonderfully absurd, however.  I am not sure what it had to do with moving the story forward, but it certainly worked for what it was. I am not crazy about the website reference at the end, however.

While you did a good job differentiating the brothers as far as describing them, this did not carry over into their dialogue.  Their speech patterns were very similar -- as I suppose might be the case with brothers -- but you might review the dialogue looking for ways to make them sound distinct.  That is a fine point of writing dialogue, but one that it is ultimately necessary to master.

Gianna is kind of a throwaway character here, and it might be good if you could find a bit more for her to do than walk around with bags of Chinese food.

And you definitely need to fix something on page 55 -- the expression is "nip it in the bud", not what you have haha.

So I enjoyed this, Gabe, and I think the length is appropriate for this tale, though it does fall a bit short of a feature.  Do not lengthen it by too much, as I feel it is mostly right where it should be.

SPOILERS!

Thanks Bert.

Appreciate the read and that you liked it.

My focus was always on Iago's arc and I feel I accomplished that.  

I could expand this a bit more but, I'm going to wait a while until I do. I have some ideas in what to expand upon but, I'm still unsure how to do so. Nevertheless, 65 pgs is a good stopping point. lol.

the church scene- I love that scene. lol. It was intended to show Iago that Christian can't be banished and that Iago should focus on killing his brother again.

The brothers' dialogue - I'll see what I can do in that department. Dialogue is difficult as writing descriptions.  

nip it in the bud - will fix it, but I'm going to use it as my input into differentiating between Danny and Iago.

BLB.

Thanks for the read.

Christian is my Freddy Kreuger. I have sequels in store for him. I find him to be one of my greatest creations.  

How I use him in the script is debatable. Some people like him, while others don't.  I've cut down the number of times he intrudes on the story. However, he still plays the narrator and antagonist roles. I wanted to explore more of his narrator side and play around with his antagonist side.  

Thanks again.
Gabe  

I will get to Alffy and Coop tomorrow since those are some lengthy reviews. lol.

Decided to group your review together since you both mention some of the same stuff.

SPOILERS!

Coop and Alffy,

Grammar stuff - I went back and tried to fix it as much as possible. Can't say I got them all, but I did my best.  

Rape and ending scene - I deleted those. The rape scene wasn't supposed to be funny but, I can see how it can due to my descriptions. Christian playing as Danny was raping Gianna and came inside of her. This is the first and I will like to say last time I would ever try doing that. it isn't my style.

The ending, I changed it to something better. It shows more of a change in Iago.

Descriptions - It's tough as writing dialogue. But most of the readers seem to be getting my descriptions like the way I write the characters' looks, so I'm leaving them in here since they are working. It's just a hit or miss. In no way I'm ignoring you about that particular subject. I'm still trying to improve but for this script, I'm leaving it as is. It serves it's purpose in conveying the message across and, it's my style.   

Dialogue - It's very difficult and something I'm still working on. Like the descriptions, it's a hit or miss.

The use of "We" and breaking the 4th wall - I've explained this before but, I'm going to repeat it. I understand it's a no-no. However, it serves a purpose in here since Christian breaks the 4th wall in talking to us. Why does he break the 4th wall? I ask why not? I find the story more satisfying this way. It was something different for me and, I'm using it in a different context. I explore more of the narrator role through Christian (like his ability to skip certain stuff), and he helps keep the script short. One thing I can guarantee is that this is a quick read.   

The brother angle - I removed it since I think that's what was causing most of the confusion. The story is solely focus on Iago's journey now, and I believe is more comprehensible. It's a straightforward Iago vs. Christian.  

As I mentioned before, I did trim or merge descriptions and scenes together. For the first scene in this script, I merged the descriptions together. For the church scene, I cut out a huge chunk.

I'm going to return back to this later and rewrite it some more.

Sorry you didn't like it. Hope I explained myself.

Gabe

Gabe, is this not the final draft then?  I could take a quick look over it again if you want or would rather I wait till you've made all your changes?

I don't believe in "final" drafts anymore. lol.

This is the revised version that I submitted to Shriekfest. I did many changes to this one before submitting it though.  

I would appreciate it if you could review this one.  

Gabe

Gabe- Loved the script! It's Groundhog Day meets Nightmare on Elm Street with a little Twilight zone thrown in for good measure. I liked Christian's character a lot. I felt that when Iago was talking to Danny towards the end of the story, asking him how to defeat a demon, that Christian superimposed himself into Danny, screwing with him. Might be wrong on that but just a feeling. Great story and best of luck with future scripts.

Thanks Dirk for the read.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted Text It's Groundhog Day meets Nightmare on Elm Street with a little Twilight zone thrown in for good measure.

thanks for the compliment.

Let me know when you post something up so I can return the read.

Gabe

Hi Gabe thought I'd read this over again and check out your changes.

I did notice something I think I mentioned before.  Christian says he's going to skip Iago going to the car but the scenes still remaining.  Just seems weird that he would say that and then you include them.

I have noticed you have included other little things like how high Iago is when caught in the trap.

Not sure if I mentioned this before or whether it's been changed but I wonder why Christian says Iago must relive the day he killed his brother and complete the task of killing him?  He's just killed him so why does he have a task of killing him again?

page 17, you still have a slug with ALEX'S APARTMENT, same mistake on page 27.

I see you've added some more death scenes; Iago off the roof is good.  I remember before you had a lot of same scenes repeating so I feel this is a good improvement.

Why would a demon want Iago to kill his brother over again.  Would he not be happy that he did a 'bad' thing in the first place?

I see you've changed the ending but it still doesn't really conclude and think this is a problem.  You're leaving the viewer/reader with no conclusion and, to me, a vague story.  I still don't understand why Christian has put Iago in Hell.  Also I don't buy Iago killing his brother because he's jealous of him.  Danny always seem really nice to Iago.

This is a big improvement but I think you could add something to the beginning to show some tension between Iago and Danny.  Maybe Iago really likes Gianna?

Anyway, sorry I didn't big notes but it is better but I think you could still make it stronger.

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the re-read. I'm going to go back to this again but later on.

Any notes is good notes. As long as you explain why you didn't like something or liked something. lol.

My reason for putting Iago through this time loop is that it's his hell. He killed his brother so, he has to live with him. lol. You wouldn't like being with someone that you hate. It's also a pain for Iago in that the solution appears to be so simple but it's not. It's like that story where the guy has to push the rock up a mountain.

I kind of also like Danny being nice to Iago. It gives this material that fucked up vibe. It also helps Iago change for the good.

I didn't want Danny to be mean. Yeah, it would have been a good reason for Iago to hate him but, that's been used a lot. Not saying what I wrote isn't. Just that I wanted to try something a bit new. Good people die everyday. So, now Good kind of triumphs. lol.    

I'm going to have to come up with a solid believable reason. My intent was that Iago blames Danny for his misfortune. I'll see what I can do with the Grace angle.  

But, as always, I will take everything into consideration in my next rewrite.

Gabe

Maybe you could play up the Iago losing his job, has to move in with his brother angle.  Maybe he resents that Danny seems to get everything he wants.  Iago says he doesn't drink but if he did, he could kill Danny in a fit of rage and then show some real emotion, meaning re-living the day becomes more torturous every time?  I like that Iago has to relive the same day, every day but his goal needs to be more than just killing his brother again.

Thanks alffy,

Iago does express his resentment to Danny during the police station scene, but I'll work on motive.  

I'm going to give this some time off and work on my MTC script. It's going to be better than the draft I have posted up.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.

Things finally settled down for a bit and I was able to FINALLY give Dark Entrance a read over the weekend.  I read it all in one setting, but I read it again after reading some of the other comments to see if there was anything new I could bring to the table.

Coop's and Alffy's thorough reviews pretty much nailed all the notes I had jotted down while reading.

One thing I didn't see anybody mention was when Christian used 'quote on quote'.  It's actually quote-unquote.  Trust me, I'm a quote-unquote "expert" at these kind of things.  (Not really important to the story.)

Honestly, the story isn't really working for me as a feature.  (And not because of the low page count.  I'm one of those people who don't mind 65 and 70 pages as features.)

Why I don't like it as a feature is because it's written as a T.V. episode.  (Or I guess, more precisely, as a webisode.)  A lot of people mentioned 'Twilight Zone', but 'Tales from the Crypt' is what came to my mind, except that the narrator stays in the story the whole way through, which to be honest, was really really annoying me throughout.

Christian didn't work for me at all as a narrator.  He wasn't funny (which isn't important, because funny is subjective), but what is important is that he (as a narrator) didn't push the story along at all in any way.  As a character he did, but as a narrator, all he did was tell us what we already knew, or what's going to happen anyway, or what's common sense and we could've figured out anyway.  He says he'll just jump in whenever he needs to, but he doesn't need to throughout the whole story.  But he does anyway.  That's how he became annoying.

You said you used him to make the transitions faster.  To me, he made the transitions longer.  All you had to do was simply go to the next scene.  It's not a complex enough of a story that we need it spoonfed to us.

But Christian did work as a character in the story, whenever he wasn't breaking the fourth wall.  I think if you just tell your story straight up, you'll lose a LOT of the fat and it'll be a lot smoother read.  It'll push it into the realm of a short, but I don't think there's enough of a story here to lengthen it into a feature.  At least not yet.

One thing I did like a lot, was the ending, and having Iago, (I love the name, by the way), resigned to living day in and day out with his brother happily.  A lot of others I imagine won't see the closure in that, but I like it.  If you're stuck in hell, you might as well make the most of it.

But, while I did really like the ending, (minus the website link thing), the ride getting there wasn't so great, but I think that can be helped a lot by losing Christian as a narrator, and keeping him just as a character in the story and not breaking the fourth wall.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get my stuff in order and get to this story, Gabe.  Hope things have been good for you.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read. Hope everything's good with you in terms of the job and the kids. I'm good. Submitted this to Shriekfest and waiting for an answer which sucks. lol. I had no problem with you reading this late. People do have a life outside SS. You writing anything new?  

Christian has narrator and breaking the fourth wall - some people are not going to like it while, others do. I personally like it. It was something new for me, I wanted to explore the narrator side of storytelling (I've seen it done before, but not like this like Christian moving us from one scene to another scene), and gives Christian personality.

Yeah, the story could work without the narrator side, but I think it would be bland. Christian gives it flavor.    

I didn't want him to skip too much to not confuse the readers, but there are certain points like in the first act that I could have had Christian skip. Nevertheless, I'll leave that for the revision.

Iago - Thanks. I like the name to and it's significance.

Ending - Thanks. I like to thank Greg who convinced me to change the ending. It was for the best.  

Tales From The Crypt reference - Thanks. That's another show I like. I originally intended this script to be a series. lol. I think it reads like that because of how Christian breaks the 4th wall. But I decided to make it a series in features and not tv or webisode. Nonetheless, it shows how flexible this script is. SOMEONE GET IT! lol.

All in all, I'll take this all into consideration in my rewrite. Once done with MTC, I already have a sequel in mind.

Gabe    

Gabe, big congrats on finishing another one! It's a little short, but if I get any ideas while reading on how to perhaps add a few pages, I will let you know. One thing you can do right away, is to have that extra line between the last scene and the new slugline. That way it is easier to identify each scene on the paper and in your case that will probably get you a couple of more pages.

Okay, I just finished your script. It is probably the best script I have read of yours. So great work on that.

The story itself is not bad at all. However, it started to feel very repetitive in the 2nd half for me. I know that there are other films out there that have done the same thing. Groundhog Day would be one of those, but it was also much richer in character. Which is where I think your scripts weakest point. I liked the ending of the story. However, as soon as he said to Christian, let's meet on the roof, I knew exactly what he was going to do.

Your characters, like I said, are the weakest point of the story. This story is also very short. I think you could easily make it longer by making your characters better. Make them interact with each other a little bit better so we can get to know them. Right now they are all quite flat and I did not like or emphasize with any of them. Gianna, does not do anything other than being the object of Danny's affection. She doesn't say anything or do anything other than carry Chinese food. You described her as a sexy lawyer, but she does nothing sexy nor does she sound or act like a lawyer. Then he is supposed to be a cop. However, he does nothing cop like nor does he sound like a cop when he talks. The only thing cop like about him was the baton Iago killed him with and the gun on the nightstand.

Your characters are also very uneven.

Your writing is okay, but could be and should be much better before you enter into a contest. It is riddled with typos and grammar issues and the wrong word usage.

Overall, I think you did a good job, but there's still lots and lots to do to make it great. Looks like you have got a lot of feedback on this so it should not be hard to rewrite this until it shines.

Hope any of this can be of help and good luck in the contest.

PS. You do not have to respond to every little thing I pointed out… It's a drag, I know it! However, if you have any questions feel free to ask.  

The following are some thoughts I had while reading.

Page 1. The older man bears a scratch on his left cheek. I wouldn't say that I was confused by that, however, I wasn't sure exactly what you meant either. The way I pictured it in my head was a fresh scratch. If you meant it as part of his description like a scar or something you might want to reword that sentence description.

I believe the windshield would be riddled with bullet holes rather than bullets.

Not sure if this matters, but I thought it odd that the older man threw the gun away. Isn't he afraid that the police might be able to find out who shot the couple? Also, unless the gun is empty, it is quite dangerous to throw a gun away. It could go off when it lands and shoot right back at the old man.

The old man takes a moment to enjoy his state of ecstasy. If he is in ecstasy, you should probably hint at that earlier as this came as a complete surprise.

It would have been funnier if you had said " please allow me to introduce myself".  

Page 2. I wasn't sure what you meant with Christian being a shape shifting demon that goes both ways. I thought you meant he likes men and women.

I guess one of the perks of being a demon is teleportation, being able to go from one place to another just like that. Which makes me wonder why on earth he needs keys to get inside an apartment?

I usually do not like to comment on formatting and such, but I just happened to notice that your slug lines and mini slugs should have an extra line before them. That way, each scene heading is easier to find on the page.

Christian combs through the keys twice. No biggie, but it sounds repetitive. Just use a different verb in one of them.

Page 3. What's with the RING? Is it the phone? If I were you, I would probably write "A phone RINGS. Then I will move to a new line and do the description of the room.

Just a thought, if it is Danny's apartment, why is Iago they are in his nightwear?

Page 6. Whenever you start a new scene, you have to mention the people by name who are in the scene. Even if the previous scene has that person in it, in need to name them by name in the next scene. I got busy and had to take a few days break from your script and when I got back to it you have scene in the 5th floor hallway that starts with "He". I had to go back and see who you meant.

Page 9. I like what you did there with Christian's ritual that brought Danny back.

Page 11. I thought Christian running up to Iago and kicking him in the face, did not work here. It seemed out of the blue to me and also violence for absolutely no reason.

Page 14. I like how you mix the real present time with what has been even in the replays. I am talking about the ring that Iago through In the garbage and is now missing in the replay. Good work.

Not sure what that last 2 words are supposed to mean on this page…

Page 18. Earlier, no one could see Christian, but now both of them can. Maybe there should be an explanation or Something how that can be? I imagine if I watched this on film, it would be something I would wonder about.

Page 19. It seems very repetitive with Danny asking over and over if he has seen his engagement ring. Instead of asking the same thing over and over, how about he asks him to help him find it instead?

I am currently on page 21 and at this point, I was thinking that no one has mentioned Christian kicking him in the face yet. Perhaps Iago should be pissed off at that? Or maybe at least once in a while touch his chin or nose or whatever and wince a little bit in pain. Just a suggestion.

Page 25. I think I'm missing something here. Danny is back asking Iago where the engagement ring is, but Christian already gave it to him yesterday. What am I missing?

Page 27. This feels like another replay of the previous day's events. But I don't get why since he did not try to kill Danny again. At least I don't think he did. Oh I see. You explain it right here. LOL!

Page 29. Danny asks Iago a question and then he leaves. No one asks someone a question and then not stay around and wait for an answer. Just odd.

Page 30. Somehow, Danny seems to have taken on a whole different character. If he is a cop, he sure does not come across as one. Not in the way he talks or acts. All Iago did was to say that Christian wants to hurt him and all of a sudden, Danny is talking about negotiating, the guy wanting cash… Where did he get these ideas from?

Page 32. Okay, so I guess that Christian hurts Iago every time he fails. What I don't get however, is that Christian told Iago that all he has to do is kill his brother Danny. He has now done that twice, but Christian keeps saying that he fails. I don't get that. What is it exactly what he wants him to do?

Page 34. It now occurs to me, that after all this shooting inside the apartment, we do not hear any sirens.

Page 35. Does Gianna always bring food? LOL.

I forgot now, but didn't Christian already introduce himself to her earlier when they were waiting for the elevator?

There is a lot of repetitive stuff here. Also, I'm getting a little annoyed that Christian keeps telling us what's going to happen and explaining what has already happened.

Another thing, you told us that she is a sexy lawyer in the beginning of the script. When we finally meet her, then you described her as porn star hot. Somehow those 2 images don't go together very well in my opinion. A sexy lawyer givess you the picture of a woman with some professionalism and class. A woman described as porn star hot… Well, that description is more like the opposite. So, which one is she? You might want to rework your description of her so those 2 images don't clash so much. That way it will be easier for the reader to get a better picture of her. Just a suggestion.

Another issue I have on this same page is, she asks Christian " where is Danny?" And he answers " Danny's bedroom". That does not sound natural at all. Sounds more like the writer using one of his slug lines. Wouldn't it be more natural to say " in his bedroom"?

Page 45. I am wondering how many cops like to watch torture and gore?…

I am not sure I'm fond of this conversation going on here. Basically what you are doing is telling Gianna and Danny was we as an audience already know.

Page 47. Are you saying a criminal cannot walk into a police station and confess to a crime? I don't know, somehow they don't come across as a lawyer and a cop.

Page 53. Danny tells Iago that he will not enjoy his dinner with this question over his head. As far as Danny knows, Iago only posted a question about the demon for his story. Therefore, IMO he is overreacting a little bit.

It also occurs to me now, that this is not a very visual story. Half the time of this story they are just walking back and forth in this apartment.

Page 54. Here we go again, having the story retold to us.

They are going out to eat? I thought they were already eating Chinese food?

Page 55. I could be wrong, but I think it is " nip it in the bud" not butt.

Page 56. I didn't know that Iago was homely…

Pretty good with the blonde in a suit without a tie and the bandage on her cheek.

Page 61. I did not understand why he kneed Danny in the balls.

Page 62. Again, these flashbacks just show us what we have already seen over and over before.