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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Vampires in Sunland Moderators: bert
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  Author    Vampires in Sunland  (currently 4325 views)
KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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What is light, without the dark?

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Wow, I don't mind at all, this is great and way more than expected, appreciate it!
Sorry,  but what can not be filmed in this scene, if you can give an quick example, it will help me recognize other such lines.

Thanks again!!


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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I actually didn't look to see if you had reviewed anything. I apologize.

The opening scene and the car scene feel like they're in two different scripts. The car scene is written very well. Great dialogue. The action is a bit clunky in the beginning, but then it flows and when the cop comes, bam! it's clever and jumps off the page. There's conflict in the dialogue and in the action, which is very hard to do. Most people let their dialogue carry the conflict, which is what you don't want.

Now rewrite that first page to be like that car scene, and you've got yourself two great scenes instead of one.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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"She once was beautiful but now, looks 20 years older than her age, death warmed over. "

That's not something that can be filmed. How does the audience know she's only 36 but looks 56? Emaciated, frail, skin and bones is a better description than "death warmed over".

First pages and main character introductions can be more flexible with this rule than other pages and characters, but it's good to know what you're doing.

Another smaller example is "in a robe and hospital garb". From that angle, we can only see the robe. We don't know what, if anything, is underneath, so it would just be "in a robe".

You also do the opposite: You describe stuff that hasn't been described. One second, she's wearing a robe and presumably pajamas, and the next they're ripped. Does the shadow rip them? Does she thrash so violently that she rips them? What happens to her clothes?

You need to stay consistent. You first describe the shadow as a shadow and then you describe it as a shadow like figure. Which is it? You really need to clean up the first page. This scene shouldn't be more than half a page long.

Another question that deals with clarity. Does she stare off, out the window, or at the full moon? Or does she stare off and the full moon is in the shot too?
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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Ahh, okay. Yes I see your point. ABSteel, I will keep this in mind when tightening. I think some discrepancy in description is due to overlapping rewrites of scenes... I'll need to make sure to clean this up and fix it.

See to me these are still visual elements but I think I understand why they are not good visual elements. It is lazy writing. I assume when I write that a character is in a robe and hospital garb, that I set up her wardrobe for the scene, but I guess this is not correct. And Yes I should write her clothing is torn by the shadow.

I guess I meant she stares out the window at the full moon, but for simplistic sake I'll probably change it to she stares out the window. The full moon is not needed.

Awesome, thank you!!


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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The full moon links us to the car scene, so it's good to keep that in.

Here's how to do that dissolve, by the way.

Her milky white eyeball -

MATCH CUT TO: (formatted on right hand side)

EXT. BUS STATION PARKING LOT - NIGHT

A FULL MOON overlooks a beat up old car with steamy windows.

Does that make sense? And since you're matching two objects, it's a match cut and not a dissolve.
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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, yes that makes sense.  Thanks.

Hey do you have any scripts on here? I would love to read one.


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Last Date with Jessica:http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Jessica2.pdf
Souvenir: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/SOUVENIR-steel.pdf
Graduation: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Graduation.pdf
Agnes: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/AGNES.pdf

All are short scripts. I haven't been able to write a feature yet. ABSteel is my pen name, and I wrote Agnes for class, so I used my real name. I wrote Jessica first, then Souvenir, Graduation and finally Agnes. All except Graduation have been filmed.

Enjoy
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KAlbers
Posted: November 24th, 2012, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, I look forward to reading them.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Kevin, welcome to SS.  It's quite amazing there are now 23 posts on your script, all over Thanksgiving Weekend.

I've read all these posts and see your concern about peeps reading your script.  Well...you've got 17 total posts and 9 of them are on your own thread.  Quid Pro Quo, brother...seriously.  It's the way it works, and you need to jump in.

So, I'll throw out a few thoughts, and I don't mean these to be harsh or mean, just real, so you know.

First off, your logline is pretty bad, including a typo, and that's always a big red flag waving around.

So, then I open your script, and what do I find?  Well, your FADE IN is on the wrong side, so that would have to be Strike 1.  Yeah, I know, that's kind of crappy, and lots of Europeans seem to do this as well, so...OK, I'll overlook that.

We'll overlook the logline and the FADE IN.  We're OK so far.

After the FADE IN comes the first Slug, and it's 2 lines, which you never want to do, especially not to start your script out.  That's Strike 1.

Your first passage starts with "With see...".  That's not good.  Strike 2.

What it is we see isn't very interesting, and it's followed by a completely worthless aside, which I loathe.  Stri...OK, not fair.  I'll go on.

The 2nd passage is...well...it's not good...at all.  There's like 6 mistakes here at a minimum, including incorrect punctuation, "us" reference, unfilmable, misspelling, and the final strike - the fact that all the stuff you intro'd in this room failed to include the 1 thing you now refer to - a chair that Margot is sitting in.  You used 3 almost full lines to describe the room and everything you wrote of didn't come into play.  Know what I'm saying?

I did scan ahead and I see lots and lots of problems and issues.

I honestly think if you read some scripts in here, you'll see things that work, things that don't work, and maybe you'll start to realize why.  And you can always ask questions.  Seems like you've got a great attitude, so that's half the battle.  Start posting wherever you can so peeps get to know you.  It will help.

Hope my words make sense and aren't viewed as being overly harsh.

Take care, man.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Dreamscale, you didn't think the car scene was much better than the first?
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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I didn't make it to the car scene.

The way you start out is so important.  This had major mistakes on all of the first 10 lines, and for me, that lets me know exactly what I'm in for.

I don't mean to be a dick, but that's how I honestly feel.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Alrighty then.
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KAlbers
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Okay, well I'm definitely learning on this site... Some with a harsher tone than others. But That's good, all is welcome.

Dreamscale: I'm a little confused with your comments, I get the gist but not the point. If you've read all the comments, you should know that you bring nothing new to the discussion other than sounding angry and offended by my writing. My apologizes. I realize I'm not a pro. That is why I'm here, perhaps this is not the right forum to learn how to better myself as a scriptwriter?

Also it seems you have issues with more than just my script? But, with the activity of the posts them selves? Makes me believe you came in with a loaded gun, ready to shoot it down, before giving a fair chance to someone's work. Maybe I'm just reading into things here, so I apologize. If you do have issues and I'm doing something wrong, can you please be more clear, so I don't step on other people's toes. This is not my intention.

I stand corrected, you did bring something new, the issue of my logline, I will see if I can improve that. Thank you!!

Best, Kev


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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To be honest, I didn't read your logline all the way through.

It's messy and includes too much information. Narrow the logline down to the main story. Protagonist has a goal and the antagonist creates conflict, and then the end happens. That's the basic logline formula, but there are many different ways to write one.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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No preloaded gun, Kevin.

I think if you read what I said again, you will see new information there, other than just the logline.

My main point is that you need to read other scripts and provide feedback, and if you're wondering why more aren't reading your script, there are 3 big reasons why - it's Thanksgiving weekend, it's poorly written and ridiculously long (and overwritten), and you don't really deserve reads because you're not reading others.

Sorry if I come off harshly.  Sometimes I guess I'm like that.
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