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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Quarantine Island - optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Quarantine Island - optioned  (currently 8157 views)
B.C.
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Dena. I've really enjoyed some of your shorts so will look forward to reading this. I will give it a read and some feedback as soon as poss.  

On a side note - anyone read 'PESTE' that was on the recent black list?  Teen FF horror. I forgot for long stretches that I was reading FF. The writer would then use 'LOW BATTERY' and a cut to get some time gaps and pacing. It's a cool read, convincing 14 year old female lead and very cool monsters.  Anyhoo, even that has it's clunky moments. I think it's a given in this type of script and most prodco's would think it's par for the course.    

Oh, and congrats Pia. Look forward to seeing your movie!
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Dena...

...so as I was reading, I'm thinking -- what makes "Quarantine Island" stand out from all the others'?  I'm at page#43.  I'm stopping here for now.  And the jury is still out on that one.

No pun intended, but... horror films would go by a lot faster if more killers or victims carried guns. Whether with be a pistol, shotgun, or automatic weapon, the ability to blow someone's brains out from across the street would simplify matters drastically on both sides of the predator/prey dichotomy.  Yeah, I know -- guns are too impersonal to scare, but that's just an excuse.   JMHO.

But I get it, it's FF, so fair enough.

...a genre that once terrified humanity to its very core, almost seems obsolete,
thanks to horror cliche that have officially worn out their welcome, and some that just doesn't work anymore, of course there is the exception... but the truth is, they will never die...  "check out the noise upstairs, it's probably just a stompy breeze."  "The killer is in the house?"
..whether you're a horror guru, or someone who watches them just to pass the time on a lazy Sunday.

Your script...

--The bad cell reception... it's also very difficult to find reliable cellphone reception in a horror film -- go figure.  Yeah, I'll admit, I'm guilty of doing it myself, but I know now... If I'm planning on going out into the woods to shoot the shit with my friends, I'll bring a satellite phone.   Of course... even that becomes useless, if it just happens to get lost, or comes up missing somewhere along the way... just throwing it out there.

--women in the is case (Beth) who cannot run, or walk across a field without falling over.  Sometimes it's thanks to their high-heels, but you cannot use that excuse here.  Or they trip over a branch.  But a lot of times gravity just seems to grab them and slam them down without provocation.

--Then there's the canoe -- yeah, it didn't come as a surprise either.  Kevin, flashlight to the face.  There's more, but enough of that.  Outside the clich� to be honest, I don't have no major gripe with anything for the first 25 pages, there's a few minor things, but I'm not one to nitpick... so i don't.
  
This feels like a slow burn.  

Anyway, so we get to the scene where Beth is being pulled by something and Kevin is trying to hold on, but finally just lets go.  I thought that was weak.  Hell, it's found footage, right--?  Okay, why not have Jeff drop the camera, and try and help him pull Beth back, huh--?  But what bugged me most, was the fact that most men would not have given up so easily.  And it felt like it.  I know I would have dived in after my girl.
But overall this scene doesn't feel right to me.  Something's missing, Emotions should have been running higher.  Didn't sense really any from Jeff.  It would have been nice for Beth to give them some insight into what had a hold of her.  A person, or unseen force, or whatever.  A foot note;  most normal people would have cut the trip short at this point.

Page#27, Beth's dialogue  "I just to go home."  Maybe 'I just want to go home."

I'm at page#29, and these guys should still be spooked.  It's like the previous scene never happened.

Okay, finally on page#32, geez, this is what I was looking for. Kevin finally asked the million dollar question..."what the fuck grabbed Beth back there?"  I think they should have had this conversation back there-- when it happened.

And another bit of irony,  here on page#35... Kevin is pulling boards, about ten minutes ago he was trying to pull Beth from the jaws of death.  All right, so I'm being a little dramatic here, but... this line from Kevin,.. "Put the damn camera down and help me."  This is what he should have said back there.

No need to continue to bombard us with the rain and thunder.  It's getting tedious and tiresome. Unless it's stopped, it's still storming.

Page#39, Kevin's dialogue... "may as stay here, keep shooting,"  doesn't sound right.  "May as well, or  we might as well stay here, keep shooting."

Page#42, that whole bit of dialogue exchange in reference to the window. just seems odd.  I mean it's not like you split this trio up, or anything.  How does Kevin not know if he closed the window, or not.  Caught up in the moment -- i take it.

Page#43, when Beth turns on the faucet, red liquid comes out.  Kevin: "Iron pipes, probably corroded big time."  Really--?  I know black and brown slush, for sure comes out of rusted pipes.  I'll have to google later.

Okay, I'll stop here for now.  Your second act, you don't want to start faltering.

Your characters; a caveat, If I were to close my eyes I could distinguish them apart, so that's good.   Usually, there's always a jerk who ruins everything in movies like this, not saying Jeff will, but he seems like a bit of a jerk... and while I'm talkin' about them -- it's ironic, the names of your male characters... yeah, it popped up on my radar immediately.  
All most all horror movies manage to have atleast one intelligent character in the bunch, but the further I read, none of them seem to be the sharpest knife in the drawer at the moment.

The fact that Beth has been with both makes things interesting.  You can do a lot with that... so hopefully you've used it to your advantage.

At this moment it feels like a 2K "Blair Witch Project."  Maybe if I was looking at this on the screen, with the some creepy music.

But the good thing-- a lot of companies are looking for FF films.

I thought you did a petty good job using your slugs here, the big thing is clarity, and I was never lost at sea.

You write very well.

Nevertheless, this is JMHO so far, so take it for what it's worth, but as always I reserve the right to change my mind as I read further.

Ghost



Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  March 2nd, 2013, 2:31pm
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Pale Yellow
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Thanks a ton Ghost! I have a lot to work on. I appreciate all the good feedback and advice. I'll clean this thing up soon and take note to all of the things that worked and didn't work for you.

I appreciate it so much. If you have anything you want me to read...hit me up
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Guest
Posted: March 3rd, 2013, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Got to page 16 and as much as I would like to finish up, I think I’m going to pass.  Don’t feel bad, because there are a lot of terrible scripts on here and I usually never get passed page 1.  Here, I made it to 16.  This is a short script-- 83 pages.  I’m on page 16 and I’m wondering ‘we gonna get some scares yet?’  Beth comes running from the bushes after Kev’s scary recap of the Seven’s past history -- I’m thinking things are finally about to pick up, it being the dead of night and all -- and what happens?  We cut to tomorrow morning, the sun glistening off of the beach’s water.  All is safe again.  For a script being so short, I think things should move along a little faster.
I’m a big fan of the Paranormal Activity movies.  3 is my favorite, but I have a feeling that on paper these movies are pretty boring.  Tedious.  I feel kind of bad, but Quarantine Island just isn’t doing it for me.  It has a dull-feeling to it.  Maybe I’ll give it another chance later down the road but before now I’m passing on it.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 4th, 2013, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Guest
Got to page 16 and as much as I would like to finish up, I think I’m going to pass.  Don’t feel bad, because there are a lot of terrible scripts on here and I usually never get passed page 1.  Here, I made it to 16.


Hm, when I read that I got whiplashed.  So much so...I read it twice...  If you're trying to imply this script is terrible -- "you" couldn't be further from the truth.

All right, I'm back Dena...

Page#44, checking out a photo.  Her eyes strecthed wide, look up at her fate.  I get it, but it doesn't read well.

Page#46, the dialogue that takes place after this line... the view spins, searches the room.  Maybe consider having Beth say her line first, then Jeff speak, but I would go one stop further and drop one of Jeff's lines, or atleast combine 'em.  

Okay, page#49, the conversation about breaking the window.   Kevin's dialogue in particular... this "besides the last thing we need is someone getting cut on the glass out there in the middle of nowhere. "   As to what, after looking at those torture photos back in the lab, and the very fact -- they know something or someone is in there with them.  Most people would rather have a few scraps than be dead. I think Kevin's reasoning for having them stay is a bit flawed.  It seems like you're trying too hard to keep them inside that hospital when there's easier ways to do this.   Maybe they leave the lab to find the windows have been boarded up from the outside as well, or heck, a boobytrap has been set-up... just spitballin' here, because i have no good answer at the moment.

Mainly because I'm at work, so I'm kinda writing this on the fly.  If something isn't clear, please let me know.  Which leads me to this...

I'm at page#52.  Okay, Kevin seems the one who's obsessed with staying in the hospital.  Unfortunately his reasoning JMHO is flawed here as well, i.e, it's too dangerous outside (because of the storm--?)  And it's evidently clear, it's more dangerous for them to stay there.  And I'm not really sure of your intention ... I mean it's clear you wanted to get them into the hospital -- fair enough.

Now if your intention is to keep them inside the hospital, then I'd suggest you make it to where they are trapped, because at this point, unless I missed something, they do have a way out.   And since Jeff has pretty much sided with Beth now.

For a minute i thought you were going to avoid it, but you didn't.  You finally managed to split the group up.   No spoilers here, but let me just say that guy started getting on my nerves.

All right I'm at page#62.  Stopping here for now.  Will finish within a day, or so and give you my overall thoughts.  I will say this as well...

...we get it.  Beth was reluctant to come, and we know she just wants to get out of there, but it's like every other page, you keep reminding us -- when you really don't have to.  If you go back and re-write this -- consider cutting back a little.  Pick your spots.

It's picked up for sure.  Some of those hospital scenes could look very creepy on screen.   Forgive the errors.  As always JMHO.

Ghost




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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  March 4th, 2013, 10:45pm
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Pale Yellow
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Thank you Ghostie! You rock! I'm working on a rewrite as we speak. Got some good notes and now I'm back to work! Thank you tons for reading it.

Dena
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stevie
Posted: March 4th, 2013, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dena!

Have just read this in one session of reading and it was a fast read, which is always good as it means your story is flowing well.

I'm not one for picking through a script and making extensive notes. Technically, there's nothing really new about the story or plot. The found footage style worked well for me and didn't get in the way. The buildup was good and the characters seemed believable. I liked the history you created about the island.

It sorta got a bit frenzied there in the end but that happens with the horror genre I guess.

Overall, it was an entertaining read and a good effort for a 7 WC!

Cheers stevie.



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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Dogglebe...chill man I've only been writing a year. I'm trying dude. Really, I am.

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Pale Yellow  -  March 5th, 2013, 11:26am
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Hm, when I read that I got whiplashed.  So much so...I read it twice...  If you're trying to imply this script is terrible -- "you" couldn't be further from the truth.



I’m not trying to imply such a thing.
I just don’t think this FF is engaging enough for me to keep reading.
I want to, but I feel like I’m struggling to get through it.
If it was really “terrible” I’d have a lot more to say about it.


Quoted from pale yellow
Thank you Ghostie! You rock! I'm working on a rewrite as we speak. Got some good notes and now I'm back to work! Thank you tons for reading it.



I would be glad to give your new draft a look.

Sorry if anything I said offended the writer.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe


When I saw the logline, I thought that the seven were real people and I couldn't any reference to them.

You may want to delete your spoiler from your previous message now.


Phil



LOL, yeah.
You got me too, Dena.
The Norway Seven sounded credible, like the Seattle Six.
I too thought that was taken from actual history.

So that is a nod to your naming skills there!

E.D.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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The island was real. The disappearances were not. I used to go to that island by boat with my father when I was a child. He'd tale spooky tales It's always been in my nightmares!
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dogglebe
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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I remember a discussion on the boards, at one time, about using specific and proper names in a logline.  The general consensus, IIRC is that if the person is real and well-known, than use it:


Quoted Text
On the day he's to be sworn in George Washington can't find his wooden teeth.


This works as most people know who Washington is and that he had wooden teeth.



Quoted Text
The International Space Station is hurtling toward the sun and only Peter Davidson can save it.


This doesn't work as no one knows who Davidson is.  His name has no impact in the logline.  If you were to change his name to a specific occupation:


Quoted Text
The International Space Station is hurtling toward the sun and only a Starbuck's barista can save it.


This makes people wonder how a guy who serves coffee can save the ISS.


Now, in regards to your logline, if you were to change it to:


Quoted Text
Three student filmmakers disappeared while filming a documentary on seven children who disappeared on an island for smallpox victims.


This puts things into perspective.  People care about kids.  And now we know where they were when they disappeared.  This raises questions how kids could disappear from where there is (presumably) no escape.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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alffy
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 3:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena, I've been trying to write a found footage script myself for a while now but I was never sure how to write the camera directions without it sounding terrible and inciting a wrath of 'you're doing it wrong'.  Anyway I'm going to read through your script for some pointers and also because I like your short scripts so, why not? lol.  Hopefully I get it started today as I'm off work with the 'Man Flu'.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Alffy but don't use this one as an example. It was my first attempt. I'm working on a rewrite and should be done this week if you want to wait til I post it in my dropbox ...I'll have done by Friday
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stevemiles
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Dena,

Found this a quick, entertaining read and though I’ll admit elements of the story didn’t always work for me, there’s a clarity to the writing and tone that kept me engaged.  I skimmed through previous posts, so apologies if I’m bringing up the same points.

SPOILERS

I was surprised at how straight-forward this ended up being.  There seemed to be a interesting mystery unfolding with the Norway Seven that became superseded with the appearance of Aeron and the subsequent psycho/slasher ending.  I’m not saying this is a bad thing -- it’s brutal and that’s what you’re aiming for.  But I was left feeling a little non-plussed as to what had actually transpired on the island between Doc Johnson and the Norway Seven -- and how Aeron had ended up this way.  The brief explanation from Aeron on p.68 left me scratching my head.

Some solid visuals with the island (and throughout) -- the birds, fog and rotten dock etc.  You built on the feeling of remoteness and foreboding to the point where the island almost becomes a character in itself.   Think you could lose some of the dialogue (i.e. regarding the island fog and cross on the rusted pole) and just let the images speak for themselves.

Have to say I came away from this feeling kind of ambivalent towards the characters and their fates.  Between arriving on the island and Aeron’s appearance I didn’t feel like we found out much about either one of them (though perhaps that’s more a trait of FF style?).

A lot of the dialogue here seemed to revolve around Jeff’s flirting/badgering of Beth and her constant desire to leave.  For me, rather than reinforce the point it served to stall the pace.  

Took some notes as I read:

p.3 ‘Down a marshy causeway they travel’

-- just reads awkwardly.

p.4 -- the talk of the Norway Seven felt a little forced for the audiences benefit.  If they’ve already decided to go to the island and make the documentary wouldn’t they already have talked through the details of the Norway Seven?  Perhaps there's a subtler way to get this information across?

p.9 -- how many canoes are there? I thought they were all in one?

Wondered if the ‘to camera’ character introductions (pp.10-11) could be fit in sooner.

p.15 - moat -- not mote.

p.22 -- ‘amonst’.

p.25 -- ‘Our spins around...’ -- something missing here?

The characters reactions to Beth getting dragged into the brush felt unnatural.  Way too casual, with no talk of who/what it could have been until sometime later.  Nothing wrong with the idea, but it feels like you set-up the tension of this moment only to lose momentum.

p.27 -- ‘I just to go home.’ -- missing a ‘want’?

What makes them think there could still be a working radio at this old hospital? Seems like a long shot.

p.51 -- dons or wears? Visually this reads as if the boney hand ‘puts on’ the fingerless glove -- when I’m assuming it’s already wearing it?

p.65 -- Had to read the action here a few times to get a sense of what was going on.  Seems to be a jump in time from Jeff hitting the floor to Beth dressing in the nurses uniform.

p.78 - the ‘date rape’ comment seems out of place for a guy who’s supposed to have been living in isolation his whole life.

p.78 - The blood/wine idea -- gruesome, but effective. Practically ruined a good sandwich on my end, but nicely done.  The horror of these final scenes worked well for me.

If Kevin was number five, then who were the other four before them? Perhaps not important, but an interesting angle that’s never explored.

Out of interest where is this set?  I’m guessing southern USA?

Hope this is of some help -- look forward to reading the re-write.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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