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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Quarantine Island - optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Quarantine Island - optioned  (currently 8156 views)
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Steve. Great notes.

This Quarantine Island is off the coast of Jekyll Island and Brunswick Georgia. We'd take a boat over when I was a child.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Dena...

Finished.  Even though you're already re-writing.  When Aeron was having that conversation with his dead mother  -- Norman Bates came to mind.  Aeron is just totally whacked out.  All questions need not be answered, but I couldn't help but think about the other four... but in the end, things just have to work.  My biggest gripe with FF scripts, we know the outcome.  Some sort of twist at the end would be a nice added touch -- but here, maybe not so much.  I'm still debating.

I wished there was a little bit more backstory to Beth, Jeff, and Kevin.  Nothing major, just bits and pieces as we go.  But I must say, it was a bloody good time inside that hospital.  You kept the tension going which bolds well for movies like this.  Women like strong female characters and it would have been nice if Beth was much stronger --though in fairness she did seeem to get there during the latter stages of Act II and on into Act III.

And yes, the place itself,  the Island sort of felt alive.  There's a few other things, but since you're about to post a re-write... I won't bother.

Nevertheless I'm not a horror fanatic, but I really did enjoy this, much to my surprise.   So good on you.  I'd definitely pay ten bucks to see it play out in the theater.


Footnote; everybody likes dropbox for some reason, but you can also sign up for a free website and upload them there.  Make changes to your script as well, just like dropbox.  Just something to think about.

Good luck with the re-write.

Ghostie


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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Ghostie! I'm working on their characters...and I'll consider a twisty ending. It could happen.

Awesome notes again...thank you.
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B.C.
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
I'm working on a rewrite and should be done this week if you want to wait til I post it in my dropbox ...I'll have done by Friday


With this in mind, I will give you some feedback on this draft now, Dena. Sorry if it's redundant if you are re-writing, I wanted to wait until I had finished before posting, but better get a move on in telling you some thoughts.  

(I'm currently on Page 52).

Not sure if any of this will help. I must say I starting reading this before I read the other posts properly, and didn't realize that this was a first draft of a 7 week challenge. Having known that before I may not have been so harsh when typing some notes. So please don't think I'm being brutal, I'm not really.

A lot of horror scripts I open up on SS start with twig snapping and then someone running through a woodland.  Many a horror film does, but I'm gonna be lying if I say I'm not kind of bored by it.  Might be just a personal preference.

Now the found footage aspect. When I think of FF, I think of some good examples in the genre. Blair Witch, Cloverfield and REC. I'm saying these for a reason - really early on in  these films we know what the threat is, ie, a Witch, a huge alien monster and infected zombies.  The main problem I have with your story up until page 50 is that I am quite unsure of what the threat is, what it wants and why I'm supposed to be scared by it. It's very vague. Vague can work if used in the style of showing less is more, but here I'm kind of grasping as to what sub-genre were in.  Hopefully the third act will sort this out, but to wait that long for it -- it's going to have to something really impressive.

I do have to say - the Norway Seven get's mentioned a lot - but (forgive me If I missed something) but it's never explained who they are and what they did.

On Page 15 – Beth runs from the woods and says she heard footsteps and saw shards of mirror attached to the tree’s. I think it would be better to show this image at this point rather than have someone tell us about it. It sounds cool - show us!

Later on - when Beth gets pulled in the bush -- this really confused me.  Why doesn't she mention what grabbed her? Did she see, smell, feel what was grabbing her?  

On page 31 some hiking boots and a human skull appear -- again this was a snippet of a threat, but there was no pay off.  I know in FF the recording will stop and we will cut to a later point sometimes, but the narrative still needs to run a linear course I think. It just feels quite disjointed in spots.

On the positive side, I really like the image of the broken mirror glass, the salt and some of the stuff going in when we get to the hospital. Aerons creepy room was a nice touch.

When we're in the hospital though, there's a hell of a lot of door slamming and clapping. Now, I know that sound design is a huge part of a film like this, so if filmed it could work. I'm just not feeling the threat when I read it. I did think at the start there was going to be huge tension between the trio as things unfolded, but apart from Beth re-inventing whiny-ness, I'm not seeing much of that. A good trick in horror is to make at least one of the characters as bad if not worse than the evil force there up against, so that might be something to think about.

Hopefully there's an awesome conclusion that makes me eat crow!

Considering this is first draft, and you have only been writing a year, this is a good effort. Some scenes work well, so please don't think I've ripped you a new one.

Will finish it in the next days.

BC.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you BAsket Case
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B.C.
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Finished the 'vomit' draft, Dena.  It's quite fine for a vomit draft, no question.

For some reason, I was expecting a supernatural force rather than a standard slasher type male.  I don't know why, I just did.  The final act has a rising tension, and I like the dinner table scenes.  (brings back memories of the original Texas Chainsaw. Not a bad thing).

Obviously, this being a first draft, there's a hell of a lot of clean up to do.  Mostly I think in the dialogue department.  I couldn't quite get into Aeron talking, I have to say. It's very cheesy.

Just a quick note on the ending, and this is just a personal preference. Many a horror film from the last few years seem to think that the bleak ending is the only way to go.  It's rare we get a 'win' ending these days.  I actually wanted her to get away on the boat, like a classic 'final girl' should do.  Again, that's just a personal feeling.

I touched on this before, but it's worth reiterating. I think you need a B-story here.  Maybe something to do with one of the characters and their motives. Maybe they want to go that Island because of something in their past, that they are keeping secret from the other two people.  Again, maybe one of them isn't all what they seem, and are a danger themselves to Beth.  It would help build tension, especially in the early stages.

Thanks for the read.

BC
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RegularJohn
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena.

Read up to page 31.  It's written pretty well and reads smoothly.  Not sure what I can add that's hasn't already been brought up but I'll give it a shot.

Following the intro, things were a bit chatty for my taste.  It's good to give us a sense of what your characters are like before all the horror and chaos but it dragged on a bit for me.  This is the first FF script I've started reading but from what I've seen in the films, it's not uncommon for scenes to end out of the blue.  I think you could use this to your advantage.  A bit of talking then CUT...next scene.

After their arrival on the island, things again went along a bit slow.  I recommend sorta combining the earlier, "intro" scenes with some of their footage shortly after arriving on the island.  It'll get us to the action sooner.

A couple of your scenes seemed way too convenient such as the scene on page 12 where Jeff is bringing up their relationship.  I'm guessing he left the camera on on purpose to get the evidence on film but Beth, knowing the kind of guy Jeff is, should have picked up on the camera aimed directly at them or so I think.  I suggest having him put the camera down by his feet and having their conversation off screen.  It would make it a little less obvious.

The scene where Beth was dragged away wasn't really working for me.  I know it's been brought up but I think Beth, though she wouldn't know exactly what took her, would have some idea as to what it may have been.

The scene following the part where Beth was dragged into the bushes was also brought up.  At this point I think Beth would still be freaked out and just not in the mood to speak.  Maybe Kevin as well.  I do picture Jeff sorta narrating their trek toward the hospital or what just happened and maybe a little exchange between him and Kevin but still a rather quiet scene.  He could also poke at Beth as to what the thing could have been.

"It was scaley."
"It had skinny arms."

Just a little hint as to what the group may be dealing with down the road.  This is all just a suggestion.

It's a great start.  I'm curious to see where this all leads and what awaits us at the hospital.  I'll try and get back to you with some more thoughts soon.  Take care.

Johnny


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alffy
Posted: March 10th, 2013, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena

BIG SPOILERS!!!!!

Think there’s a typo on page 1?  It says The camera is places on a table, think it should be placed?

I prefer the new introduction to Kevin and Beth.  Like I said before, I didn’t buy the idea that Beth knew nothing about the trip she was going on.  This is much more believable.

Jeff’s comment about ‘blue lighting day to look like night’ is nice touch for anyone wanting to shoot this; lowers budget lol.

Top of page 6, Jeff says ‘sets the tone they call it.’  I don’t know why but this reads funny to me.  Maybe it is just me here? Lol

Just after that Kevin warns Jeff not to drop the camera or Dancy will use them to shoot a slasher movie.  I was half expecting Jeff to retort with something like ‘doubtful, he’ll have nothing to shoot it on.’ Lol, just my comedy mind working overtime there I think.

I’ve wondered how not to use the dreaded ‘we see’ when writing a found footage script.  Does this rule not apply here?  I couldn’t think how else to describe what the camera see’s without using a ‘we see’?

Rust coloured marsh grass encircles the island.  A fog lingers like a ghost before the thick forest.  I love this description.

Page 6, Jeff says ‘The river side’s muddy but the side facing the sound is beach-like they say.’ Is sound right here, should it be south?  I’ll add this in that ‘sound’ is mentioned again so it must be right, hang on I’m just off to google it…okay is it like a ‘strait’?

Top of page 9, The canoes land on the beach.  Should this not be canoe, as I thought they were all in the one?

For a second when Beth took off her tank-top, I thought she was topless.  I thought, hello, things are going to get raunchy lol.

So at first I thought Beth and Jeff were fooling around behind Kevin’s back, which got me wondering how and when he would find out but then I find out Beth use to date Jeff and Kevin doesn’t know.  I was surprised you dropped a hint at something maybe happening between Beth and Jeff but immediately gave up the suggestion of ‘cheating girlfriend’.  I thought it might have been something to run with for a while and get the viewer guessing as to what was going on between them.

Page 16, Jeff’s dialogue is missing the ‘S’ from O.S.

Okay so I’m confused now.  Page 17, Beth says ‘the boats have gone!’ but I’m sure they all came together in one canoe.  Kevin was paddling, Beth was carrying the bags and Jeff was filming right?

I’m being very picky now but does Beth need the binoculars to see the canoe, which is only 200 feet away, because of the fog?  I wonder if she should see the canoe before raising the binoculars?

Jeff says Quarantine Island was 1893 to 1952 but later Kevin mentions ‘Ole Doc Johnson’ and the late 1800’s and later still, after the cow is seen, Jeff says it’s been 100 years.  I wonder if this is an intentional exaggerated gap mentioned by Jeff, no force home his point that it is unlikely that a cow could have survived on the island long after it was deserted?

I find it difficult to believe that Beth had no idea who or what dragged her into the bushes, especially as it wasn’t dark.

I like the boneyard scene, thought I’d mention it as I’ve been picking out bones myself so far.  I will say that I’m enjoying the read so far.  The set is nice and I’m itching to see what happens when they find the hospital.

Page 29, Beth says ‘I just to go home.’  Missing ‘want’?

A lot of cloud descriptions going on.

I really like how you describe things, like the hospital Brick walls like a fortress but one who’s been through war.  It might not be everyone’s taste and some may say it’s a little overwritten but I like.

This has little to do with your script but check this out.  As your characters reached the hospital my music player randomly played Frightened Rabbit’s, State Hospital…spooky. Lol

I think the camera in the Ziploc would look pretty cool on screen.

Bottom of page 38, Kevin goes in through a window and then says ‘Come on!  Hurry!  Camera first, then help Beth up!  If he’s inside the hospital should this O.S. or can Jeff and we see him?

Page 41, Jeff says ‘May as stay here, keep shooting.’ Think you’re missing a ‘well’?

I think there’s always something eerie about old black and white photos.  I’m hoping to find out more about the Norway Seven.

Page 50, Beth says ‘This is gone on too far.’  This reads a bit awkward to me.

Not sure why Kevin would want to go off on his own?  I’m sure someone mentioned earlier that they should stick together, s why wander off now?  Also I wonder why they think staying inside the hospital is better than going outside?  I’m enjoying the Norway seven story but it’s definitely a slow drip story, I’m itching to know more…

I can’t believe how calm Jeff and Beth are.  Kevin’s off looking for someone who’s in the hospital, someone who’s stalking them and Jeff’s flirting with Beth.  Also, on page 57, if Beth’s face fills the screen, why is her dialogue O.S?

I like how Jeff’s watch is a slightly different time to the camera.  It’s a nice touch as them being exactly the same would have been unlikely but he would have an idea of the time from the camera display.

Page 58, the camera slug reads 24:00:06 would this not be 00:00:06?  Midnight shows as 00:00 right?

I like the discovery of Kevin and the ‘5’ carved into him.  Jeff and Beth are 6 & 7 I’m guessing lol.

If Jeff told me to keep my ‘chin up’ after the night so far, I think I’d tell him to f+#k off lol.

Page 64, Aeron pushes Kevin’s bangs from his eyes.  This reads a little odd to me.

Pages 66 and 67 were a little hard to follow.  I wasn’t sure what happened to Beth and how she lost her clothes.

Bottom of page 70, Launches the ball launches across the room, one too many launches I think.  Things have taken a blood thirsty twist after what I thought was going to be a ghosty type story.

Jeff seems to be running quite well after his butchering?  What I’m thinking though is Jeff had a hatchet buried in his arm but he holds the camera with one, presumably his good one and then drags Beth to her feet with the other.  I wonder how bad his injuries are, then again adrenalin could go a long way to explain this.

Page 74, The exit in site. Should be The exit in sight.

Okay this is going to sound quite anal but…page 74, you describe the basement.
Damp walls, puddled floors, surrounded by walls of cement.  Iron bars line the front of the small enclosures.  So here I picture a regular cell with three sides of cement and iron bars at the front.  Jeff has the camera right?  Then you say, Beth lies on the floor in the next cell.  She lifts her head.  So Jeff/we can see Beth, so the iron bars aren’t fronting the cells or Beth is in the cell opposite?  Maybe I’m picturing this wrong and/or maybe I’m being to pedantic lol.

Jeff’s bracelet and Beth’s locking picking skills are a bit convenient.

Aeron says ‘My own date rape cocktail’, which again has me wondering, if he’s never been off the island would he know what a date rape drug is?

The whole blood draining scene is pretty cool and nice and gruesome.

Okay I’m done so here’s what I thought.  Well I liked it, it did what I expect of a found footage script.  It was a little slow in the beginning and then went super fast at the conclusion but that’s okay.  The characters came across as individuals and it was easy to picture them accordingly.  Some of their actions were a little baffling, like Kevin running off in the hospital but that’s to be expected in a horror, right?    I was expecting more of the Beth having being with both men storyline but this didn’t really materialise.
The story was very interesting but again I thought it was going to expand the Norway seven story but it was a little passed over.  I liked the Aeron character and his loneliness on the island sending him mad.  I would have liked the group to have found out more info about him as I thought the discovery of the old photos was one of the creepiest scenes.
I’m guessing the four corpses at the table were just previous visitors to the island?
Also what was with all the clapping, maybe I missed that explanation?

So overall, I really liked and enjoyed this, despite what you think from my review lol.  I hope it didn’t come off too negative?  I always jot things down as I’m reading that stump me and rarely note the good things.  I guess this is what I would describe as a ‘Ronseal horror movie’ as ‘it does exactly what it said on the tin’.  Maybe this is just an English expression?  So yeah, this was good and only a few small niggles for me, and if this is only a first/second draft then this is good shape, Dena.  Good job.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 10th, 2013, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Alfy!

Thanks man! Really good notes! I'm still working on this thing. You know I write carelessly and like the wind. I need to slow  my tail/tale down! Thank you for reading it and I will continue to work on this to make it a little better. I think everyone needs a FF in their script bag

Happy Monday!! Thank you again.

d
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alffy
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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Glad to be of some help.  It's actually helped me a lot too.  I think once i've finished a rewrite on my current feature I'm going to write a FF script.

As for the 'Happy Monday', well I've got 'Man Flu' and it's snowing outside so.....it's not really lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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What, may I ask, is 'man flu'?  

Sorry 'bout the snow...it's 70 degrees here....I'll bottle some up and send your way hopefully you get over the 'man flu' soon.
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alffy
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
What, may I ask, is 'man flu'?    


It's a killer!  It's like ordinary flu but when a man gets it, it's much, much worse lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Eoin
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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[url][/url]
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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OMG LOVE it omg laffin! I needed that Eoin!!! haha Thanks for sharing!
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Ledbetter
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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How did I miss this one?

Give me a few days to read this and I'll give some notes.

Sorry I'm late to the party...

Shawn.....><
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