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I'm not sure if you even want comments on this since it is a "vomit draft".
The fist page and the murder was great. Pulled me in.
After that, I had to stop several times to go back and re-read to understand what was happening. The part with Kevin messing with Beth's hair was confusing at first and the dialogue in the next scene was pretty corny. I'm not sure if this was on purpose or not, it felt a little like Scream when Jamie Kennedy explains the rules of a horror movie:
"Jeff, our local film buff, said all of those are cliche’. Blah blah...It’ll be fine babe. It’s just an abandoned old island."
It might be a good idea to somehow work in who the Norway Seven are in that first scene or in the second scene with Kevin and Beth. Since that is the thing driving the whole story it would be a good thing to define early so the audience has a firm grasp of it and why these kids want to make a documentary about it.
I can tell from your descriptions that you either have a great picture in your mind of this place or it is a real place you have been to. Very nice.
How is it that a horror movie/documentary about an abandoned island is not cliche? Or is that part of the corniness again?
You really hammer it in that Beth is a good swimmer. I'm on page 19 and I think it's the fourth mention of it. Just saying.
And I understand that you want the canoe to be gone in the morning but it seems weird that they would get to the island and just spend the afternoon sitting on the beach. Maybe have a reason that they can't get there until dark?
Anyway, those are my comments for the first half - I'll get to the second half as soon as I can.
Okay, what you have with me here is a blank slate. I read a few of the comments and it seems the structure was more on the menu than the story IMO. Having never written a FF script or even read one for that matter, I’m going into this with no opinion.
And I liked this lot. The writing is good. You have a very nice and unique way of laying out your dialog that just flows. It’s like you ride along the lines if that makes since. I guess the word would be effortless reading. Btw, I saw a request for a FF script here recently.
I think it was babz.
One of the things with Jeff is you should have him appear on a little more. Have him turn the camera back on himself of have someone yank the camera away so we can get some glimpses of him.
I can’t help but think there should be a recovery story here as well. Maybe tell a story in “real time” as someone finds the film, and then investigates the whereabouts of the main people. You could then drop in and out of the found footage portion to real time to give the reader a break in the footage action.
Structure wise, this was very well done. I really enjoyed the story line.
Thanks a ton Shawn...you need to email me Cosmic...I'm going to play with this one on down the road a lil...it was written quick and my first FF attempt
I have a lot to learn...and all the reviews surely helps me to decipher where to go/what to fix with a script.
I agree with you on the Jeff thing so we see more of him. I didn't do my homework as far as reading some FF scripts before I dove into this thing...I know it would have helped to do my research. Kev tells me all the time...you gotta do the research.
I appreciate the read again and would love to return the favor for you. Hit me up if you need a read Shawn....