SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 6:23am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Quarantine Island - optioned Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Quarantine Island - optioned  (currently 8158 views)
Don
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Quarantine Island by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Horror - Three student filmmakers disappeared while filming a documentary on the Missing Norway Seven. A month later, their footage was found. 83 pages - pdf, format

++++
Script removed by request - optioned


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 1st, 2013, 10:02am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Pale Yellow
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks Don
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 50
Lon
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Louisville
Posts
403
Posts Per Day
0.06
Found footage scripts are an odd animal.  They're difficult to script without making them feel exactly that -- scripted.  The instant it feels like actors reciting lines, the illusion is broken, and the viewer is taken out of the movie.  Your script seems well-written enough, but as I'm reading it, it's very difficult to envision anything in the script feeling natural or not pre-ordained, because the fact that I'm reading scripted dialogue and action tells me it most obviously IS pre-ordained.

This is why most found footage scripts are written more like outlines than actual, traditional screenplays.  And there's typically no dialogue included at all.  The writer will explain what needs to happen in each scene, and it's up to the actors to improvise their dialogue so it sounds natural, unscripted, while still accomplishing what's required of the scene.  

What you have here, though, is a hybrid that doesn't really work; the fact that it's scripted works counter to the fact that it's supposed to feel completely UNscripted.  Know what I mean?  So my advice would be to either do away with the found footage aspect and make this a traditional screenplay, or lose the traditional screenplay aspect and write this found footage piece as an outline which allows for improvisation of dialogue.  I'm sure that's not something you wanted to hear, but it's just my opinion, and I'm sure someone will likely disagree.  

Best of luck at any rate.  Keep writing.

- Lon  

Revision History (1 edits)
Lon  -  February 28th, 2013, 6:32pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 50
crookedowl
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Lon
So my advice would be to either do away with the found footage aspect and make this a traditional screenplay, or lose the traditional screenplay aspect and write this found footage piece as an outline which allows for improvisation of dialogue.  I'm sure that's not something you wanted to hear, but it's just my opinion, and I'm sure someone will likely disagree.  


This makes sense, but at the same time, I'm not sure how marketable an "outline for improvisation" would be unless you're producing it yourself.

But, in my opinion, it doesn't depend on the format as much as just writing realistic dialogue. Using a proper script won't make it seem scripted as long as you write good dialogue. Just my two cents.


Dena, I'll get a review up soon. I've got a few other scripts lined up already, but I'll find time. I will say, though-- your logline sounds a lot like The Blair Witch Project. I actually haven't seen that movie, so I'm probably not the best judge, but still... "A month later their footage was found". Really?

The time stamp thing in the slugs is interesting, but I'm not sure it belongs. I'm sure it could serve a purpose, but at the same time, I find myself skipping over it. And I doubt anyone will really pay attention to it on screen. Again, I haven't read far, so I'm not sure what the purpose of this is.

83 pages is a little short, IMO. The original Texas Chainsaw was around this length, and I remember feeling a little cheated at the end... like it could have used a few more minutes. I know found footage is different, though, but (again) I haven't read it yet, so we'll see.

Review coming soon.

Will
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 50
dogglebe
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Who's the Norway Seven?  Without this information, the logline falls flat.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 50
KevinLenihan
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
528
Posts Per Day
0.13
I agree with Crooked. I don't see how one can write an "outline for improvisation" unless they are already working with the director.

Plus, a scripted film is not supposed to 'feel' scripted either. I mean whether it's FF or not, the dialogue should feel real. I would agree that in FF the realism might be more an imperative. That can be achieved with realistic dialogue in the script plus perhaps some improvisation. You still have to write a script though.

Also, I respectfully disagree on the hybrid. In fact, I think consciously creating a hybrid is the way of the future, and has been done in recent FF films. Something is lost and gained with that. You lose a little bit of the realism associated with the "found" footage, but that realism was largely used up on Blair Witch anyway. Audiences are not fooled anymore, so they are just looking for the 'effect' of realism.

What the hybrid gains you is that you can now show things that could not have been shown in pure FF. And that dramatically strengthens the ability to craft a tale.

Lon, please accept that I am not at all arguing with you. Your points are valid and subject to very interesting debate when it comes to found footage.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 50
Lon
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Louisville
Posts
403
Posts Per Day
0.06
No worries, Kevin (or anyone else).  We're just discussing here.  I expected to be disagreed with; I do realize my suggestion isn't the usual kind of script feedback, and I can say with complete honesty this is the first time I've ever told anyone their screenplay is too much like a screenplay.   

But reading this script, knowing it's supposed to be a found footage film...it just wasn't working for me.  The dialogue reads like movie dialogue, not natural conversation, that kind of thing.  Yeah, I know, it's a bit of a Catch-22, but all I can offer is my take (even if it is an admittidely odd one).  

Angry Bear, I can only assume that your found footage script was so well written that despite being scripted it managed to maintain the diifficult-to-capture loose feel of an unscripted movie.  Congrats on getting it made, and good luck with the studio.

- Lon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks everybody...

This was one of my early works. Last year when we did that 7WC I wrote two..and this was one of them. We could either do found footage or low budget thing...and I did one of each...so this is vomit draft.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 50
Guest
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Dena can you e-mail a PDF to me?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 50
RegularJohn
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
276
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Dena.

The logline interested me so I took a peak.  Read the first few pages and it flew by rather quickly for me.  Great job.

As far as scripted versus unscripted dialogue for a script such as these, I do agree with Lon somewhat in that characters act entirely off of reaction than anything else and while all scripts have conflict and reactions, FF films and stories seem to be nothing but "in the moment" kind of reactions which I feel are very difficult to nail down IMO.  I'm not sure if that's what Lon meant but I think that these particular scripts are a different entity altogether from the film it produces.

Anyway, I'll definitely check this out and come back with whatever notes I can provide.  Best of luck, Dena.

Johnny


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks Johnny
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 50
Dreamscale
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 10:07am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Yo, Dena Marie. Has this been changed from the draft I read back in the Stoner Age?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 10:26am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Only a lil bit Jeffie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 50
Dreamscale
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 10:36am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Pale Yellow
Only a lil bit Jeffie


OK, then...

I love it!!!!

Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 10:43am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks Jeff Appreciate all your help...Between you and Kevin...you guys have really taught me tons. I have a lotta learning left to do ...but I keep writing.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 50
B.C.
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Parts Unknown
Posts
240
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi, Dena. I've really enjoyed some of your shorts so will look forward to reading this. I will give it a read and some feedback as soon as poss.  

On a side note - anyone read 'PESTE' that was on the recent black list?  Teen FF horror. I forgot for long stretches that I was reading FF. The writer would then use 'LOW BATTERY' and a cut to get some time gaps and pacing. It's a cool read, convincing 14 year old female lead and very cool monsters.  Anyhoo, even that has it's clunky moments. I think it's a given in this type of script and most prodco's would think it's par for the course.    

Oh, and congrats Pia. Look forward to seeing your movie!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 50
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Dena...

...so as I was reading, I'm thinking -- what makes "Quarantine Island" stand out from all the others'?  I'm at page#43.  I'm stopping here for now.  And the jury is still out on that one.

No pun intended, but... horror films would go by a lot faster if more killers or victims carried guns. Whether with be a pistol, shotgun, or automatic weapon, the ability to blow someone's brains out from across the street would simplify matters drastically on both sides of the predator/prey dichotomy.  Yeah, I know -- guns are too impersonal to scare, but that's just an excuse.   JMHO.

But I get it, it's FF, so fair enough.

...a genre that once terrified humanity to its very core, almost seems obsolete,
thanks to horror cliche that have officially worn out their welcome, and some that just doesn't work anymore, of course there is the exception... but the truth is, they will never die...  "check out the noise upstairs, it's probably just a stompy breeze."  "The killer is in the house?"
..whether you're a horror guru, or someone who watches them just to pass the time on a lazy Sunday.

Your script...

--The bad cell reception... it's also very difficult to find reliable cellphone reception in a horror film -- go figure.  Yeah, I'll admit, I'm guilty of doing it myself, but I know now... If I'm planning on going out into the woods to shoot the shit with my friends, I'll bring a satellite phone.   Of course... even that becomes useless, if it just happens to get lost, or comes up missing somewhere along the way... just throwing it out there.

--women in the is case (Beth) who cannot run, or walk across a field without falling over.  Sometimes it's thanks to their high-heels, but you cannot use that excuse here.  Or they trip over a branch.  But a lot of times gravity just seems to grab them and slam them down without provocation.

--Then there's the canoe -- yeah, it didn't come as a surprise either.  Kevin, flashlight to the face.  There's more, but enough of that.  Outside the clich� to be honest, I don't have no major gripe with anything for the first 25 pages, there's a few minor things, but I'm not one to nitpick... so i don't.
  
This feels like a slow burn.  

Anyway, so we get to the scene where Beth is being pulled by something and Kevin is trying to hold on, but finally just lets go.  I thought that was weak.  Hell, it's found footage, right--?  Okay, why not have Jeff drop the camera, and try and help him pull Beth back, huh--?  But what bugged me most, was the fact that most men would not have given up so easily.  And it felt like it.  I know I would have dived in after my girl.
But overall this scene doesn't feel right to me.  Something's missing, Emotions should have been running higher.  Didn't sense really any from Jeff.  It would have been nice for Beth to give them some insight into what had a hold of her.  A person, or unseen force, or whatever.  A foot note;  most normal people would have cut the trip short at this point.

Page#27, Beth's dialogue  "I just to go home."  Maybe 'I just want to go home."

I'm at page#29, and these guys should still be spooked.  It's like the previous scene never happened.

Okay, finally on page#32, geez, this is what I was looking for. Kevin finally asked the million dollar question..."what the fuck grabbed Beth back there?"  I think they should have had this conversation back there-- when it happened.

And another bit of irony,  here on page#35... Kevin is pulling boards, about ten minutes ago he was trying to pull Beth from the jaws of death.  All right, so I'm being a little dramatic here, but... this line from Kevin,.. "Put the damn camera down and help me."  This is what he should have said back there.

No need to continue to bombard us with the rain and thunder.  It's getting tedious and tiresome. Unless it's stopped, it's still storming.

Page#39, Kevin's dialogue... "may as stay here, keep shooting,"  doesn't sound right.  "May as well, or  we might as well stay here, keep shooting."

Page#42, that whole bit of dialogue exchange in reference to the window. just seems odd.  I mean it's not like you split this trio up, or anything.  How does Kevin not know if he closed the window, or not.  Caught up in the moment -- i take it.

Page#43, when Beth turns on the faucet, red liquid comes out.  Kevin: "Iron pipes, probably corroded big time."  Really--?  I know black and brown slush, for sure comes out of rusted pipes.  I'll have to google later.

Okay, I'll stop here for now.  Your second act, you don't want to start faltering.

Your characters; a caveat, If I were to close my eyes I could distinguish them apart, so that's good.   Usually, there's always a jerk who ruins everything in movies like this, not saying Jeff will, but he seems like a bit of a jerk... and while I'm talkin' about them -- it's ironic, the names of your male characters... yeah, it popped up on my radar immediately.  
All most all horror movies manage to have atleast one intelligent character in the bunch, but the further I read, none of them seem to be the sharpest knife in the drawer at the moment.

The fact that Beth has been with both makes things interesting.  You can do a lot with that... so hopefully you've used it to your advantage.

At this moment it feels like a 2K "Blair Witch Project."  Maybe if I was looking at this on the screen, with the some creepy music.

But the good thing-- a lot of companies are looking for FF films.

I thought you did a petty good job using your slugs here, the big thing is clarity, and I was never lost at sea.

You write very well.

Nevertheless, this is JMHO so far, so take it for what it's worth, but as always I reserve the right to change my mind as I read further.

Ghost



Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  March 2nd, 2013, 2:31pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks a ton Ghost! I have a lot to work on. I appreciate all the good feedback and advice. I'll clean this thing up soon and take note to all of the things that worked and didn't work for you.

I appreciate it so much. If you have anything you want me to read...hit me up
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 50
Guest
Posted: March 3rd, 2013, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Got to page 16 and as much as I would like to finish up, I think I’m going to pass.  Don’t feel bad, because there are a lot of terrible scripts on here and I usually never get passed page 1.  Here, I made it to 16.  This is a short script-- 83 pages.  I’m on page 16 and I’m wondering ‘we gonna get some scares yet?’  Beth comes running from the bushes after Kev’s scary recap of the Seven’s past history -- I’m thinking things are finally about to pick up, it being the dead of night and all -- and what happens?  We cut to tomorrow morning, the sun glistening off of the beach’s water.  All is safe again.  For a script being so short, I think things should move along a little faster.
I’m a big fan of the Paranormal Activity movies.  3 is my favorite, but I have a feeling that on paper these movies are pretty boring.  Tedious.  I feel kind of bad, but Quarantine Island just isn’t doing it for me.  It has a dull-feeling to it.  Maybe I’ll give it another chance later down the road but before now I’m passing on it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 50
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 4th, 2013, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29

Quoted from Guest
Got to page 16 and as much as I would like to finish up, I think I’m going to pass.  Don’t feel bad, because there are a lot of terrible scripts on here and I usually never get passed page 1.  Here, I made it to 16.


Hm, when I read that I got whiplashed.  So much so...I read it twice...  If you're trying to imply this script is terrible -- "you" couldn't be further from the truth.

All right, I'm back Dena...

Page#44, checking out a photo.  Her eyes strecthed wide, look up at her fate.  I get it, but it doesn't read well.

Page#46, the dialogue that takes place after this line... the view spins, searches the room.  Maybe consider having Beth say her line first, then Jeff speak, but I would go one stop further and drop one of Jeff's lines, or atleast combine 'em.  

Okay, page#49, the conversation about breaking the window.   Kevin's dialogue in particular... this "besides the last thing we need is someone getting cut on the glass out there in the middle of nowhere. "   As to what, after looking at those torture photos back in the lab, and the very fact -- they know something or someone is in there with them.  Most people would rather have a few scraps than be dead. I think Kevin's reasoning for having them stay is a bit flawed.  It seems like you're trying too hard to keep them inside that hospital when there's easier ways to do this.   Maybe they leave the lab to find the windows have been boarded up from the outside as well, or heck, a boobytrap has been set-up... just spitballin' here, because i have no good answer at the moment.

Mainly because I'm at work, so I'm kinda writing this on the fly.  If something isn't clear, please let me know.  Which leads me to this...

I'm at page#52.  Okay, Kevin seems the one who's obsessed with staying in the hospital.  Unfortunately his reasoning JMHO is flawed here as well, i.e, it's too dangerous outside (because of the storm--?)  And it's evidently clear, it's more dangerous for them to stay there.  And I'm not really sure of your intention ... I mean it's clear you wanted to get them into the hospital -- fair enough.

Now if your intention is to keep them inside the hospital, then I'd suggest you make it to where they are trapped, because at this point, unless I missed something, they do have a way out.   And since Jeff has pretty much sided with Beth now.

For a minute i thought you were going to avoid it, but you didn't.  You finally managed to split the group up.   No spoilers here, but let me just say that guy started getting on my nerves.

All right I'm at page#62.  Stopping here for now.  Will finish within a day, or so and give you my overall thoughts.  I will say this as well...

...we get it.  Beth was reluctant to come, and we know she just wants to get out of there, but it's like every other page, you keep reminding us -- when you really don't have to.  If you go back and re-write this -- consider cutting back a little.  Pick your spots.

It's picked up for sure.  Some of those hospital scenes could look very creepy on screen.   Forgive the errors.  As always JMHO.

Ghost




Revision History (1 edits)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  March 4th, 2013, 10:45pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 4th, 2013, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thank you Ghostie! You rock! I'm working on a rewrite as we speak. Got some good notes and now I'm back to work! Thank you tons for reading it.

Dena
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 50
stevie
Posted: March 4th, 2013, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hi Dena!

Have just read this in one session of reading and it was a fast read, which is always good as it means your story is flowing well.

I'm not one for picking through a script and making extensive notes. Technically, there's nothing really new about the story or plot. The found footage style worked well for me and didn't get in the way. The buildup was good and the characters seemed believable. I liked the history you created about the island.

It sorta got a bit frenzied there in the end but that happens with the horror genre I guess.

Overall, it was an entertaining read and a good effort for a 7 WC!

Cheers stevie.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 8:04am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Dogglebe...chill man I've only been writing a year. I'm trying dude. Really, I am.

Revision History (1 edits)
Pale Yellow  -  March 5th, 2013, 11:26am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 50
Guest
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 9:51am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14



Hm, when I read that I got whiplashed.  So much so...I read it twice...  If you're trying to imply this script is terrible -- "you" couldn't be further from the truth.



I’m not trying to imply such a thing.
I just don’t think this FF is engaging enough for me to keep reading.
I want to, but I feel like I’m struggling to get through it.
If it was really “terrible” I’d have a lot more to say about it.


Quoted from pale yellow
Thank you Ghostie! You rock! I'm working on a rewrite as we speak. Got some good notes and now I'm back to work! Thank you tons for reading it.



I would be glad to give your new draft a look.

Sorry if anything I said offended the writer.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 50
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 11:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from dogglebe


When I saw the logline, I thought that the seven were real people and I couldn't any reference to them.

You may want to delete your spoiler from your previous message now.


Phil



LOL, yeah.
You got me too, Dena.
The Norway Seven sounded credible, like the Seattle Six.
I too thought that was taken from actual history.

So that is a nod to your naming skills there!

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 11:27am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
The island was real. The disappearances were not. I used to go to that island by boat with my father when I was a child. He'd tale spooky tales It's always been in my nightmares!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 50
dogglebe
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I remember a discussion on the boards, at one time, about using specific and proper names in a logline.  The general consensus, IIRC is that if the person is real and well-known, than use it:


Quoted Text
On the day he's to be sworn in George Washington can't find his wooden teeth.


This works as most people know who Washington is and that he had wooden teeth.



Quoted Text
The International Space Station is hurtling toward the sun and only Peter Davidson can save it.


This doesn't work as no one knows who Davidson is.  His name has no impact in the logline.  If you were to change his name to a specific occupation:


Quoted Text
The International Space Station is hurtling toward the sun and only a Starbuck's barista can save it.


This makes people wonder how a guy who serves coffee can save the ISS.


Now, in regards to your logline, if you were to change it to:


Quoted Text
Three student filmmakers disappeared while filming a documentary on seven children who disappeared on an island for smallpox victims.


This puts things into perspective.  People care about kids.  And now we know where they were when they disappeared.  This raises questions how kids could disappear from where there is (presumably) no escape.

Hope this helps.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 26 - 50
alffy
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 3:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Dena, I've been trying to write a found footage script myself for a while now but I was never sure how to write the camera directions without it sounding terrible and inciting a wrath of 'you're doing it wrong'.  Anyway I'm going to read through your script for some pointers and also because I like your short scripts so, why not? lol.  Hopefully I get it started today as I'm off work with the 'Man Flu'.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 7:29am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks Alffy but don't use this one as an example. It was my first attempt. I'm working on a rewrite and should be done this week if you want to wait til I post it in my dropbox ...I'll have done by Friday
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 50
stevemiles
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Dena,

Found this a quick, entertaining read and though I’ll admit elements of the story didn’t always work for me, there’s a clarity to the writing and tone that kept me engaged.  I skimmed through previous posts, so apologies if I’m bringing up the same points.

SPOILERS

I was surprised at how straight-forward this ended up being.  There seemed to be a interesting mystery unfolding with the Norway Seven that became superseded with the appearance of Aeron and the subsequent psycho/slasher ending.  I’m not saying this is a bad thing -- it’s brutal and that’s what you’re aiming for.  But I was left feeling a little non-plussed as to what had actually transpired on the island between Doc Johnson and the Norway Seven -- and how Aeron had ended up this way.  The brief explanation from Aeron on p.68 left me scratching my head.

Some solid visuals with the island (and throughout) -- the birds, fog and rotten dock etc.  You built on the feeling of remoteness and foreboding to the point where the island almost becomes a character in itself.   Think you could lose some of the dialogue (i.e. regarding the island fog and cross on the rusted pole) and just let the images speak for themselves.

Have to say I came away from this feeling kind of ambivalent towards the characters and their fates.  Between arriving on the island and Aeron’s appearance I didn’t feel like we found out much about either one of them (though perhaps that’s more a trait of FF style?).

A lot of the dialogue here seemed to revolve around Jeff’s flirting/badgering of Beth and her constant desire to leave.  For me, rather than reinforce the point it served to stall the pace.  

Took some notes as I read:

p.3 ‘Down a marshy causeway they travel’

-- just reads awkwardly.

p.4 -- the talk of the Norway Seven felt a little forced for the audiences benefit.  If they’ve already decided to go to the island and make the documentary wouldn’t they already have talked through the details of the Norway Seven?  Perhaps there's a subtler way to get this information across?

p.9 -- how many canoes are there? I thought they were all in one?

Wondered if the ‘to camera’ character introductions (pp.10-11) could be fit in sooner.

p.15 - moat -- not mote.

p.22 -- ‘amonst’.

p.25 -- ‘Our spins around...’ -- something missing here?

The characters reactions to Beth getting dragged into the brush felt unnatural.  Way too casual, with no talk of who/what it could have been until sometime later.  Nothing wrong with the idea, but it feels like you set-up the tension of this moment only to lose momentum.

p.27 -- ‘I just to go home.’ -- missing a ‘want’?

What makes them think there could still be a working radio at this old hospital? Seems like a long shot.

p.51 -- dons or wears? Visually this reads as if the boney hand ‘puts on’ the fingerless glove -- when I’m assuming it’s already wearing it?

p.65 -- Had to read the action here a few times to get a sense of what was going on.  Seems to be a jump in time from Jeff hitting the floor to Beth dressing in the nurses uniform.

p.78 - the ‘date rape’ comment seems out of place for a guy who’s supposed to have been living in isolation his whole life.

p.78 - The blood/wine idea -- gruesome, but effective. Practically ruined a good sandwich on my end, but nicely done.  The horror of these final scenes worked well for me.

If Kevin was number five, then who were the other four before them? Perhaps not important, but an interesting angle that’s never explored.

Out of interest where is this set?  I’m guessing southern USA?

Hope this is of some help -- look forward to reading the re-write.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 29 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thank you Steve. Great notes.

This Quarantine Island is off the coast of Jekyll Island and Brunswick Georgia. We'd take a boat over when I was a child.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 50
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Dena...

Finished.  Even though you're already re-writing.  When Aeron was having that conversation with his dead mother  -- Norman Bates came to mind.  Aeron is just totally whacked out.  All questions need not be answered, but I couldn't help but think about the other four... but in the end, things just have to work.  My biggest gripe with FF scripts, we know the outcome.  Some sort of twist at the end would be a nice added touch -- but here, maybe not so much.  I'm still debating.

I wished there was a little bit more backstory to Beth, Jeff, and Kevin.  Nothing major, just bits and pieces as we go.  But I must say, it was a bloody good time inside that hospital.  You kept the tension going which bolds well for movies like this.  Women like strong female characters and it would have been nice if Beth was much stronger --though in fairness she did seeem to get there during the latter stages of Act II and on into Act III.

And yes, the place itself,  the Island sort of felt alive.  There's a few other things, but since you're about to post a re-write... I won't bother.

Nevertheless I'm not a horror fanatic, but I really did enjoy this, much to my surprise.   So good on you.  I'd definitely pay ten bucks to see it play out in the theater.


Footnote; everybody likes dropbox for some reason, but you can also sign up for a free website and upload them there.  Make changes to your script as well, just like dropbox.  Just something to think about.

Good luck with the re-write.

Ghostie


Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks Ghostie! I'm working on their characters...and I'll consider a twisty ending. It could happen.

Awesome notes again...thank you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 50
B.C.
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Parts Unknown
Posts
240
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Pale Yellow
I'm working on a rewrite and should be done this week if you want to wait til I post it in my dropbox ...I'll have done by Friday


With this in mind, I will give you some feedback on this draft now, Dena. Sorry if it's redundant if you are re-writing, I wanted to wait until I had finished before posting, but better get a move on in telling you some thoughts.  

(I'm currently on Page 52).

Not sure if any of this will help. I must say I starting reading this before I read the other posts properly, and didn't realize that this was a first draft of a 7 week challenge. Having known that before I may not have been so harsh when typing some notes. So please don't think I'm being brutal, I'm not really.

A lot of horror scripts I open up on SS start with twig snapping and then someone running through a woodland.  Many a horror film does, but I'm gonna be lying if I say I'm not kind of bored by it.  Might be just a personal preference.

Now the found footage aspect. When I think of FF, I think of some good examples in the genre. Blair Witch, Cloverfield and REC. I'm saying these for a reason - really early on in  these films we know what the threat is, ie, a Witch, a huge alien monster and infected zombies.  The main problem I have with your story up until page 50 is that I am quite unsure of what the threat is, what it wants and why I'm supposed to be scared by it. It's very vague. Vague can work if used in the style of showing less is more, but here I'm kind of grasping as to what sub-genre were in.  Hopefully the third act will sort this out, but to wait that long for it -- it's going to have to something really impressive.

I do have to say - the Norway Seven get's mentioned a lot - but (forgive me If I missed something) but it's never explained who they are and what they did.

On Page 15 – Beth runs from the woods and says she heard footsteps and saw shards of mirror attached to the tree’s. I think it would be better to show this image at this point rather than have someone tell us about it. It sounds cool - show us!

Later on - when Beth gets pulled in the bush -- this really confused me.  Why doesn't she mention what grabbed her? Did she see, smell, feel what was grabbing her?  

On page 31 some hiking boots and a human skull appear -- again this was a snippet of a threat, but there was no pay off.  I know in FF the recording will stop and we will cut to a later point sometimes, but the narrative still needs to run a linear course I think. It just feels quite disjointed in spots.

On the positive side, I really like the image of the broken mirror glass, the salt and some of the stuff going in when we get to the hospital. Aerons creepy room was a nice touch.

When we're in the hospital though, there's a hell of a lot of door slamming and clapping. Now, I know that sound design is a huge part of a film like this, so if filmed it could work. I'm just not feeling the threat when I read it. I did think at the start there was going to be huge tension between the trio as things unfolded, but apart from Beth re-inventing whiny-ness, I'm not seeing much of that. A good trick in horror is to make at least one of the characters as bad if not worse than the evil force there up against, so that might be something to think about.

Hopefully there's an awesome conclusion that makes me eat crow!

Considering this is first draft, and you have only been writing a year, this is a good effort. Some scenes work well, so please don't think I've ripped you a new one.

Will finish it in the next days.

BC.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 6th, 2013, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thank you BAsket Case
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 50
B.C.
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Parts Unknown
Posts
240
Posts Per Day
0.05
Finished the 'vomit' draft, Dena.  It's quite fine for a vomit draft, no question.

For some reason, I was expecting a supernatural force rather than a standard slasher type male.  I don't know why, I just did.  The final act has a rising tension, and I like the dinner table scenes.  (brings back memories of the original Texas Chainsaw. Not a bad thing).

Obviously, this being a first draft, there's a hell of a lot of clean up to do.  Mostly I think in the dialogue department.  I couldn't quite get into Aeron talking, I have to say. It's very cheesy.

Just a quick note on the ending, and this is just a personal preference. Many a horror film from the last few years seem to think that the bleak ending is the only way to go.  It's rare we get a 'win' ending these days.  I actually wanted her to get away on the boat, like a classic 'final girl' should do.  Again, that's just a personal feeling.

I touched on this before, but it's worth reiterating. I think you need a B-story here.  Maybe something to do with one of the characters and their motives. Maybe they want to go that Island because of something in their past, that they are keeping secret from the other two people.  Again, maybe one of them isn't all what they seem, and are a danger themselves to Beth.  It would help build tension, especially in the early stages.

Thanks for the read.

BC
Logged
Private Message Reply: 35 - 50
RegularJohn
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
276
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Dena.

Read up to page 31.  It's written pretty well and reads smoothly.  Not sure what I can add that's hasn't already been brought up but I'll give it a shot.

Following the intro, things were a bit chatty for my taste.  It's good to give us a sense of what your characters are like before all the horror and chaos but it dragged on a bit for me.  This is the first FF script I've started reading but from what I've seen in the films, it's not uncommon for scenes to end out of the blue.  I think you could use this to your advantage.  A bit of talking then CUT...next scene.

After their arrival on the island, things again went along a bit slow.  I recommend sorta combining the earlier, "intro" scenes with some of their footage shortly after arriving on the island.  It'll get us to the action sooner.

A couple of your scenes seemed way too convenient such as the scene on page 12 where Jeff is bringing up their relationship.  I'm guessing he left the camera on on purpose to get the evidence on film but Beth, knowing the kind of guy Jeff is, should have picked up on the camera aimed directly at them or so I think.  I suggest having him put the camera down by his feet and having their conversation off screen.  It would make it a little less obvious.

The scene where Beth was dragged away wasn't really working for me.  I know it's been brought up but I think Beth, though she wouldn't know exactly what took her, would have some idea as to what it may have been.

The scene following the part where Beth was dragged into the bushes was also brought up.  At this point I think Beth would still be freaked out and just not in the mood to speak.  Maybe Kevin as well.  I do picture Jeff sorta narrating their trek toward the hospital or what just happened and maybe a little exchange between him and Kevin but still a rather quiet scene.  He could also poke at Beth as to what the thing could have been.

"It was scaley."
"It had skinny arms."

Just a little hint as to what the group may be dealing with down the road.  This is all just a suggestion.

It's a great start.  I'm curious to see where this all leads and what awaits us at the hospital.  I'll try and get back to you with some more thoughts soon.  Take care.

Johnny


Logged
Private Message Reply: 36 - 50
alffy
Posted: March 10th, 2013, 7:30am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Dena

BIG SPOILERS!!!!!

Think there’s a typo on page 1?  It says The camera is places on a table, think it should be placed?

I prefer the new introduction to Kevin and Beth.  Like I said before, I didn’t buy the idea that Beth knew nothing about the trip she was going on.  This is much more believable.

Jeff’s comment about ‘blue lighting day to look like night’ is nice touch for anyone wanting to shoot this; lowers budget lol.

Top of page 6, Jeff says ‘sets the tone they call it.’  I don’t know why but this reads funny to me.  Maybe it is just me here? Lol

Just after that Kevin warns Jeff not to drop the camera or Dancy will use them to shoot a slasher movie.  I was half expecting Jeff to retort with something like ‘doubtful, he’ll have nothing to shoot it on.’ Lol, just my comedy mind working overtime there I think.

I’ve wondered how not to use the dreaded ‘we see’ when writing a found footage script.  Does this rule not apply here?  I couldn’t think how else to describe what the camera see’s without using a ‘we see’?

Rust coloured marsh grass encircles the island.  A fog lingers like a ghost before the thick forest.  I love this description.

Page 6, Jeff says ‘The river side’s muddy but the side facing the sound is beach-like they say.’ Is sound right here, should it be south?  I’ll add this in that ‘sound’ is mentioned again so it must be right, hang on I’m just off to google it…okay is it like a ‘strait’?

Top of page 9, The canoes land on the beach.  Should this not be canoe, as I thought they were all in the one?

For a second when Beth took off her tank-top, I thought she was topless.  I thought, hello, things are going to get raunchy lol.

So at first I thought Beth and Jeff were fooling around behind Kevin’s back, which got me wondering how and when he would find out but then I find out Beth use to date Jeff and Kevin doesn’t know.  I was surprised you dropped a hint at something maybe happening between Beth and Jeff but immediately gave up the suggestion of ‘cheating girlfriend’.  I thought it might have been something to run with for a while and get the viewer guessing as to what was going on between them.

Page 16, Jeff’s dialogue is missing the ‘S’ from O.S.

Okay so I’m confused now.  Page 17, Beth says ‘the boats have gone!’ but I’m sure they all came together in one canoe.  Kevin was paddling, Beth was carrying the bags and Jeff was filming right?

I’m being very picky now but does Beth need the binoculars to see the canoe, which is only 200 feet away, because of the fog?  I wonder if she should see the canoe before raising the binoculars?

Jeff says Quarantine Island was 1893 to 1952 but later Kevin mentions ‘Ole Doc Johnson’ and the late 1800’s and later still, after the cow is seen, Jeff says it’s been 100 years.  I wonder if this is an intentional exaggerated gap mentioned by Jeff, no force home his point that it is unlikely that a cow could have survived on the island long after it was deserted?

I find it difficult to believe that Beth had no idea who or what dragged her into the bushes, especially as it wasn’t dark.

I like the boneyard scene, thought I’d mention it as I’ve been picking out bones myself so far.  I will say that I’m enjoying the read so far.  The set is nice and I’m itching to see what happens when they find the hospital.

Page 29, Beth says ‘I just to go home.’  Missing ‘want’?

A lot of cloud descriptions going on.

I really like how you describe things, like the hospital Brick walls like a fortress but one who’s been through war.  It might not be everyone’s taste and some may say it’s a little overwritten but I like.

This has little to do with your script but check this out.  As your characters reached the hospital my music player randomly played Frightened Rabbit’s, State Hospital…spooky. Lol

I think the camera in the Ziploc would look pretty cool on screen.

Bottom of page 38, Kevin goes in through a window and then says ‘Come on!  Hurry!  Camera first, then help Beth up!  If he’s inside the hospital should this O.S. or can Jeff and we see him?

Page 41, Jeff says ‘May as stay here, keep shooting.’ Think you’re missing a ‘well’?

I think there’s always something eerie about old black and white photos.  I’m hoping to find out more about the Norway Seven.

Page 50, Beth says ‘This is gone on too far.’  This reads a bit awkward to me.

Not sure why Kevin would want to go off on his own?  I’m sure someone mentioned earlier that they should stick together, s why wander off now?  Also I wonder why they think staying inside the hospital is better than going outside?  I’m enjoying the Norway seven story but it’s definitely a slow drip story, I’m itching to know more…

I can’t believe how calm Jeff and Beth are.  Kevin’s off looking for someone who’s in the hospital, someone who’s stalking them and Jeff’s flirting with Beth.  Also, on page 57, if Beth’s face fills the screen, why is her dialogue O.S?

I like how Jeff’s watch is a slightly different time to the camera.  It’s a nice touch as them being exactly the same would have been unlikely but he would have an idea of the time from the camera display.

Page 58, the camera slug reads 24:00:06 would this not be 00:00:06?  Midnight shows as 00:00 right?

I like the discovery of Kevin and the ‘5’ carved into him.  Jeff and Beth are 6 & 7 I’m guessing lol.

If Jeff told me to keep my ‘chin up’ after the night so far, I think I’d tell him to f+#k off lol.

Page 64, Aeron pushes Kevin’s bangs from his eyes.  This reads a little odd to me.

Pages 66 and 67 were a little hard to follow.  I wasn’t sure what happened to Beth and how she lost her clothes.

Bottom of page 70, Launches the ball launches across the room, one too many launches I think.  Things have taken a blood thirsty twist after what I thought was going to be a ghosty type story.

Jeff seems to be running quite well after his butchering?  What I’m thinking though is Jeff had a hatchet buried in his arm but he holds the camera with one, presumably his good one and then drags Beth to her feet with the other.  I wonder how bad his injuries are, then again adrenalin could go a long way to explain this.

Page 74, The exit in site. Should be The exit in sight.

Okay this is going to sound quite anal but…page 74, you describe the basement.
Damp walls, puddled floors, surrounded by walls of cement.  Iron bars line the front of the small enclosures.  So here I picture a regular cell with three sides of cement and iron bars at the front.  Jeff has the camera right?  Then you say, Beth lies on the floor in the next cell.  She lifts her head.  So Jeff/we can see Beth, so the iron bars aren’t fronting the cells or Beth is in the cell opposite?  Maybe I’m picturing this wrong and/or maybe I’m being to pedantic lol.

Jeff’s bracelet and Beth’s locking picking skills are a bit convenient.

Aeron says ‘My own date rape cocktail’, which again has me wondering, if he’s never been off the island would he know what a date rape drug is?

The whole blood draining scene is pretty cool and nice and gruesome.

Okay I’m done so here’s what I thought.  Well I liked it, it did what I expect of a found footage script.  It was a little slow in the beginning and then went super fast at the conclusion but that’s okay.  The characters came across as individuals and it was easy to picture them accordingly.  Some of their actions were a little baffling, like Kevin running off in the hospital but that’s to be expected in a horror, right?    I was expecting more of the Beth having being with both men storyline but this didn’t really materialise.
The story was very interesting but again I thought it was going to expand the Norway seven story but it was a little passed over.  I liked the Aeron character and his loneliness on the island sending him mad.  I would have liked the group to have found out more info about him as I thought the discovery of the old photos was one of the creepiest scenes.
I’m guessing the four corpses at the table were just previous visitors to the island?
Also what was with all the clapping, maybe I missed that explanation?

So overall, I really liked and enjoyed this, despite what you think from my review lol.  I hope it didn’t come off too negative?  I always jot things down as I’m reading that stump me and rarely note the good things.  I guess this is what I would describe as a ‘Ronseal horror movie’ as ‘it does exactly what it said on the tin’.  Maybe this is just an English expression?  So yeah, this was good and only a few small niggles for me, and if this is only a first/second draft then this is good shape, Dena.  Good job.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 37 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 10th, 2013, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Alfy!

Thanks man! Really good notes! I'm still working on this thing. You know I write carelessly and like the wind. I need to slow  my tail/tale down! Thank you for reading it and I will continue to work on this to make it a little better. I think everyone needs a FF in their script bag

Happy Monday!! Thank you again.

d
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 50
alffy
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 4:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Glad to be of some help.  It's actually helped me a lot too.  I think once i've finished a rewrite on my current feature I'm going to write a FF script.

As for the 'Happy Monday', well I've got 'Man Flu' and it's snowing outside so.....it's not really lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 39 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 6:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
What, may I ask, is 'man flu'?  

Sorry 'bout the snow...it's 70 degrees here....I'll bottle some up and send your way hopefully you get over the 'man flu' soon.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 50
alffy
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from Pale Yellow
What, may I ask, is 'man flu'?    


It's a killer!  It's like ordinary flu but when a man gets it, it's much, much worse lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 41 - 50
Eoin
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Been Around


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.12
[url][/url]
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 42 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
OMG LOVE it omg laffin! I needed that Eoin!!! haha Thanks for sharing!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 43 - 50
Ledbetter
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 8:24am Report to Moderator
Guest User



How did I miss this one?

Give me a few days to read this and I'll give some notes.

Sorry I'm late to the party...

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 44 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 9:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks Shawn
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 45 - 50
Ledbetter
Posted: March 17th, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Dena,

Got this downloaded today and will be getting it read this week.

Just cracking it open, I can say, it looks like a great read.

Take care.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 46 - 50
James R
Posted: March 21st, 2013, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
I'm not sure if you even want comments on this since it is a "vomit draft".

The fist page and the murder was great. Pulled me in.

After that, I had to stop several times to go back and re-read to understand what was happening. The part with Kevin messing with Beth's hair was confusing at first and the dialogue in the next scene was pretty corny. I'm not sure if this was on purpose or not, it felt a little like Scream when Jamie Kennedy explains the rules of a horror movie:

"Jeff, our local film buff, said all
of those are cliche’. Blah
blah...It’ll be fine babe. It’s
just an abandoned old island."

It might be a good idea to somehow work in who the Norway Seven are in that first scene or in the second scene with Kevin and Beth. Since that is the thing driving the whole story it would be a good thing to define early so the audience has a firm grasp of it and why these kids want to make a documentary about it.

I can tell from your descriptions that you either have a great picture in your mind of this place or it is a real place you have been to. Very nice.

How is it that a horror movie/documentary about an abandoned island is not cliche? Or is that part of the corniness again?

You really hammer it in that Beth is a good swimmer. I'm on page 19 and I think it's the fourth mention of it. Just saying.

And I understand that you want the canoe to be gone in the morning but it seems weird that they would get to the island and just spend the afternoon sitting on the beach. Maybe have a reason that they can't get there until dark?

Anyway, those are my comments for the first half - I'll get to the second half as soon as I can.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 47 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 21st, 2013, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks James. This is an early work...my first attempt at found footage. Cliche or not...Corny or not...I keep trying

You brought up some good points. I'll get to them as soon as I'm done with my current projects...

d
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 50
Ledbetter
Posted: March 25th, 2013, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Dena,

Okay, what you have with me here is a blank slate. I read a few of the comments and it seems the structure was more on the menu than the story IMO. Having never written a FF script or even read one for that matter, I’m going into this with no opinion.

And I liked this lot. The writing is good. You have a very nice and unique way of laying out your dialog that just flows. It’s like you ride along the lines if that makes since.  I guess the word would be effortless reading. Btw, I saw a request for a FF script here recently.

I think it was babz.

One of the things with Jeff is you should have him appear on a little more. Have him turn the camera back on himself of have someone yank the camera away so we can get some glimpses of him.

I can’t help but think there should be a recovery story here as well. Maybe tell a story in “real time” as someone finds the film, and then investigates the whereabouts of the main people. You could then drop in and out of the found footage portion to real time to give the reader a break in the footage action.

Structure wise, this was very well done. I really enjoyed the story line.

For an earlier work, I’m impressed…

Take care

Shawn…..><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 49 - 50
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 25th, 2013, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks a ton Shawn...you need to email me Cosmic...I'm going to play with this one on down the road a lil...it was written quick and my first FF attempt

I have a lot to learn...and all the reviews surely helps me to decipher where to go/what to fix with a script.

I agree with you on the Jeff thing so we see more of him. I didn't do my homework as far as reading some FF scripts before I dove into this thing...I know it would have helped to do my research. Kev tells me all the time...you gotta do the research.

I appreciate the read again and would love to return the favor for you. Hit me up if you need a read Shawn....

tyt
dena
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 50
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006