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BEVERLY WILSHIRE - MASTER BATH - MORNING Marilyn, who just got the shit fucked out of her by some dude she met in the bar she just came from, steps out of her shower, massaging her ample breasts. She smiles as she remembers what a great fucking she just got.
The phone rings in the master suite. She knows exactly who it is and what this fuckwad wants - her body, her tits, her ass, and her lips.
MARILYN Fucking arsehole! Grow a dick like this last stud and maybe I'll let you inside again. Bitch!
WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
JFK slams the phone down, knowing damn well that Marilyn just got laid again, and isn't answering.
JFK Fucking blonde slut!
He rifles through his rolodex.
JFK I know exactly what I need to do to get this bitch, damnit!
He stops at Max Jacobson, picks up the phone again.
As it rings, he gazes off, taps his fingers, moves his head to an unheard beat.
JFK (singing) He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he's the one who'll make you feel alright...
I disagree with this completely, Michael. Stevie doesn't need a "professional" to tell him this. We can do it here for free.
Most coverage really doesn't even discuss the actual writing and/or what's right and wrong with it.
If it stands out, they will. And there's a chance it affects the way they view the script as a whole.
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IMO, coverage is a total and complete waste. 85%-90% of the readers have less experience than many writers in SS.
True as that may be, there are a few script doctors out there with great reputations that also do coverage.
The reason I say, go to a professional for coverage is because he seems so dead set in the way it's written... now we all have our own styles, but both you and I know that this doesn't cut it. And Stevie seems to think it does cut it. I just thought that maybe a "professional" opinion might convince him other wise. He has put a lot of time and effort into this, and it would be a shame for it to fail based on the writing.
And I read the Marilyn excerpt... where the fuck was that in Fort Hell?! You have a horror film here, it's a perfect opportunity to let loose! In the right kind of film, that kind of prose works (though some may say other wise due to the profanity). Shane Black uses similar prose in his scripts.
And don't be making false quotes based on my excerpt!!!
BTW, I know old Shane Black has made a kiling in the industry, I can't read any of his work, as I can't stand that style, unless it's a big old pisser.
I hear ya bro. Just wanted to get this fucker out there after way to long on it.
I'll get on a rewrite maybe in a few weeks. Am working on my Marilyn script again. And I won't be using any filmables in it as they won't be needed. Well, maybe...lol
Hey brother,
I see this is going into a rewrite shortly.
You want thoughts on it now or should I wait for version 2?
Just finished this - was a nice, fairly quick read so was able to get throughit, I'm not sure how others struggled?
The spacing is an issue that some have mentioned, however I know how when converting to bloody PDF (I miss the days when there were simple text files on the site) there is always a chance that it'll mess your formatting up. However you've clearly demonstrated that you know how to write an industry standard screenplay so I won't waste my time picking you up on it. There are a few spelling mistakes but, again, I'm sure you can proofread another draft and don't need me giving you English lessons haha!
Most important thing is the story. Without a good story a script is nothing - whether correctly formatted or not (unless it's a Fast & Furious film apparently). This reminded me of a script that Baltis had a few years ago - it was a zombie western set in a fort. Reminded me of zulu a bit.
The story here is good and everything stands up fairly well in the 'big picture' sense. However it wasn't clear to me that Garner was the 'main hero' until at least halfway through - I thought he was a bit of a wanker who was going to get the other guys to help him with the gold then ride off without them. Like the idea of the hot indian girl Burning Knife kicking ass, fanboys would love that. What happened to Tindall by the way? I remember him suddenly going mad and then I didn't see what happened to him.
I felt the descriptions were good. If I was a director/producer/set designer I'd have an idea of what I was filming. 'Unfilmables' can often help with fleshing out characters and locations and will give the director a better picture of what needs doing. I'd rather over-write than under-write. In subsequent drafts it's quicker to edit and delete a few sentences than have to create new ones.
So, yeah story is good - I feel if I saw this was going to be on at the cinema I'd go to it. And others would too. Dialogue is a little off at times, maybe needs tightening so some of the characters have 'unique voices' - e.g. like OMGZZ THAT IS SUCH A TINDALL THING TO SAY or YEAH THAT'S CLASSIC GARNER.
It is too short how it is, but I read your posts so I understand why and I think a rewrite is a definite must. Try and add about ten pages. Suggestions for this would be as follows
- maybe define a 'moment' between Burning Knife and Garner. Perhaps after a fight or an incident he falls onto her or something and they linger for just a second. Electric feelings of attractions clear. Perhaps a bit more dialogue between them. Although most movie girls are sluts, right? They fall in love with the hero after a few hours normally. Take 'Commando' for instance. Rae Dawn Chong is on like Donkey Kong for Arnold's dong after about 80 minutes.
- I think it should take longer for Garner to convince the fort of the danger. Seasoned wild western soldiers would be hard to spook I'd imagine.
- Perhaps at the end when Garner is brought back to life it shouldn't be so easy for the Shaman to do this. Perhaps he should fail and almost die a few times before he finally saves Garner. Plus it would be weird to see Garner's face go from 'rotted' to normal?
If there's anything else you'd like my opinion on I'll be happy to answer.
Mate, appreciate the read and the comments. I'm glad you were able to see past the rough bits of this - the white spacing, the other stuff that made it a tough read - and that you dug the story.
This will be quick as I am heading to work soon, but will write more later.. You bring up some good points about Garner. Yeah, he wasnt originally the 'hero'. When I wrote the first scenes at the fort, I was right into period mode, and trying to establish the feel of the characters in the western setting. So he was the scummy dude who was seeking the gold.
But I realised that I would have to make another char the main guy, and I sorta couldn't be bothered. Then I had the idea of this Indian chick - there was no female in it at all, I think Jeff mentioned I should have some pussy in there, lol - Then I had the idea that the Indian warrior chick could team up with Garner, thus mellowing him and creating this subplot of budding romance. I tried to show this reluctant liking for each other blossoming - your suggestions are great and will be used once I rewrite it.
The good thing is I have plenty of pages to play with in the rewrite to boost the script up to 90 pages.
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You have a horror film here, it's a perfect opportunity to let loose! In the right kind of film, that kind of prose works (though some may say other wise due to the profanity). Shane Black uses similar prose in his scripts.
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