All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Fort Hell by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Horror - In 1867 Kansas, US Cavalry troopers find themselves under siege by undead Indian warriors. 75 pages - pdf, format
Wow, Don, thanks for getting my new feature up so quickly!
A little background about it: had the inspiration for it simply out of the blue just before New Year. So I started researching the Old West, particularly Kanasas. I have used actual locations in the setting, though for story purposes have shortened some distances, lol.
The script was going smoothly till about March or so, when I approached battle scenes. Not being used to writing that stuff, I sorta put it off, skipping ahead to write the ending, which I had worked out.
It dragged on and on, and I was busy doing other life things, so the script became a bit of a chore, lol. Eventually I worked out a feasible way of doing the big action bits near the end.
As a result the script became a cut and paste job, as I had write with gaps in the story. This can become dangerous as you have to keep track of characters locations, continuity, etc. But I slogged through it and got it done on Saturday.
I read through, fixed a few grammar errors, but found a big error last nite which I'll mention:
On page 63, Lee mentions Goldson and Hawkins in a line of dialogue. This should in fact be Christie and Davis. You'll see the error as you read. Sorry about that; I had to change some of the actions of certain chars and missed that particular line.
I really tried for a bit of 'style' in my formatting and descriptions. Will appreciate any tips on strengthening the story and logic of things that might be out of whack. I'm pretty happy with the first 30 pages or so, as that was early in the writing , when I was in the zone!
Anyway, enough of boring you. Thanks to Jeff and Ryan for help along the way, and for putting up with me saying I had nearly finished it....for weeks, lol!
Anyone who wants a read of anything, please let me know,as I haven't done much of that lately while trying to nail this beast. I am keen to get cracking on another script soon - am returning to a Marilyn Monroe script I started last year - in a fe weeks I can start rewriting Fort Hell.
Maybe John Wayne and Henry Fonda would have fit perfectly in this!
Haha, anyway I stopped at Garner's first spoken (funny) line of dialogue.
There's just too much going on in my house right now to sit and actually enjoy this...or anything. Yelling, stomping, loud tv, etc.....
Once the noisy kids are gone for a bit, I could probably knock this out pretty fast. I only have 65 pages to go. I think I can do it.
Question - Why did you space so much? I guarantee if you fixed the spacing this would probably be brought down to like 60 some pages. There's a lot of white.
Maybe John Wayne and Henry Fonda would have fit perfectly in this!
Haha, anyway I stopped at Garner's first spoken (funny) line of dialogue.
There's just too much going on in my house right now to sit and actually enjoy this...or anything. Yelling, stomping, loud tv, etc.....
Once the noisy kids are gone for a bit, I could probably knock this out pretty fast. I only have 65 pages to go. I think I can do it.
Question - Why did you space so much? I guarantee if you fixed the spacing this would probably be brought down to like 60 some pages. There's a lot of white.
Hey cheers reap! When u get time, np.
Yeah, with the spacing, I had some tech probs with this. I wrote the bulk of it on my IPad, on an app called Scripts Pro. It's good and all, no hassles writing on it. But when I converted it back to my Sophocles on the computer, it comes out a bit mashed up. So I had to go through and fix up a lot of the spacing and split paragraphs.
Also Balt suggested ages ago to double space between scenes so I do that. Sometimes it does look like too much of a gap.
I'll go back to writing by hand again then convert to computer. The IPad is great for mobile writing but the app can play up and bugger things up a little.
I just finished the script. I liked it but I feel it needs more to it. For a horror story, not much was happening for about 40 pages until the dead started to break free of the mine and come looking for the soldiers at the fort.
I think some kind of background to Shaman would be good. Here you have this old man show up and convince the Chief to give some of his men to help defeat the Spaniards and protect the gold. But why does Shaman care to help? He mentions for a second that he had a run in with the white man but that's it. Was gold taken from him in the past? Did the white man ravage his village? Maybe kill his family? Other thing, why does Shaman need Indian soldiers to help him defeat the Spaniards? I would think he could cast a spell on the Spaniards himself or maybe he could dig up dead Indians from the Chief's burial ground and us them instead of the living? Just a thought.
The story itself worked for me but again I would have liked to see some scares through those forty pages of guys just talking about searching for gold. You have a cool idea with the Indians and Spaniards in the mine together. Why not have a rumor or tale about how the Indians and Spaniards still fight to this day. You can hear the cries of fallen soldiers when you get near the mine. They're still fighting inside unaware that they're already dead.
I wasn't a fan with how fast Garner and Burning Knife became girlfriend and boyfriend. I understand that they have admiration for one another but that felt a bit forced. Maybe she falls for Garner when he shows a willingness to help Shaman or maybe when he sticks up for her when the other white men are talking bad things about her or Shaman. It shows he's protective of her and she appreciates it.
I didn't like how Garner was able to easily convince the others that the undead was coming to kill them. I would think that some of the soldiers would assume Garner is drunk or loaded on something. So they resist at first not believing him. That's when you could show the transformation of Bush's character and soon the soldiers know what they're in for.
Last thing, why would the undead Indians and Spaniards team up and kill the soldiers? I could understand the Indians kiling them because they're protecting their gold but the Spaniards wouldn't fight them unless they think the soldiers are trying to steal the gold first? Maybe I'm wrong on that.
Things need to get cleaned up a bit. You're already aware that there's a lot of white between the action and dialogue.
Overall, I enjoyed it. Nice story that could be strengthen with a rewrite.
Cheers for the read. Just quickly will answer a couple of points - early morn here and busy getting the kids ready for school.
You make some nice points that I can use in a rewrite. I sort of hurried the revision on this as I was tired of the whole thing and just wanted to get it out for someone else to check. Purged!
Um, the reason the Indians and Spaniards are together is simply that they are all undead. They aren't really teaming, they are still just acting on their 'zombie' instinct. I thought it would be cool to have these soldiers in armour mixed in with the warriors. And with Garner getting to the fort and it all happening quickly, the other guys who were at the lake had seen a creature so knew something nasty was afoot, lol. Will write some more later mate
Thanks again and glad u liked it. It needs some tightening but I'm very happy with the basis of it as I spent a lot of time working it all out
Is the Chief called ‘Great Bull’, as the Shaman refers to him as, great bull? If it is, should it not be written as Great Bull and not great bull? Actually scrap that as he calls him ‘wise bull’ later...
I notice you double spaced between scenes, is that right? I’m sure someone once crucified me for doing that lol. At 75 pages this is pretty short and without the double spacing even shorter.
Something just came to me. The opening V.O. was subtitled as it was Indian so was the subsequent dialogue in the village between the Chief and the Shaman also subtitled? The Spanish speak in their native tongue and are subtitled so I just wondered about earlier?
Page 8, who as collapsed on the ground, should be ‘has’ collapsed.
The Shaman tells the Chief he must behead the Padre or he will return and not to open up the mine or the undead will return. I wonder if he knew the mine would be blown or would he have had to tell the Chief to slay his own, now undead, warriors? This cause me headache now as I think it throws a spanner in the story? If the Indians can no longer enter the mine, as it will release the undead what was the point of staying and defending it? Would it now have been better to flee and let the Spanish take the gold from the mine as they too can no longer mine it and are now forced to guard the valley. What was the ‘reward’ for helping them?
So first 10 pages read and I liked the setting. It’s good that you started with the Spanish invaders, I’ve not seen that in many stories/movies. Like I say though, I had a bit of an issue with the Shaman’s actions.
Page 12, Bush says ‘thats true.’ Should be ‘that’s true’. Then says, ‘Been reading about in here.’ Maybe this should be, ‘Been reading about it in here.’?
Hang on...Jeffrey Bush? Lol
Page 17, Hayes speech, he says ‘...Sergeant Dohnt will ensure daily weapons drill is carried out each day.’ This reads odd to me. Either ‘ensure a daily weapon drill’, or ‘ensure daily weapons drills are carried out’.
Here’s a little question, isn’t it ‘ten hut’ not ‘ten hutt’? I should google it really; maybe you have so maybe I’m wrong lol.
Page 21, Tindall and McKagan are in all ears too. This reads a bit odd.
Page 23, Tindall says ‘...we gone be rich.’ Again, another line that reads a bit odd to me.
It may be clichéd but I’m glad the watering scene ended with the group a bit suspicious of Garner. They’ve only just met and he was spinning them a yarn of gold and fortune, and I was thinking surely they should be a bit cagey about him lol. So far you’ve introduced a little back story and the main protags and now I’m hoping the horror starts up?
‘Before he rides into the valley within, he stops, looks back at the lake. He sees the wagon and the soldiers around it. A shiver passes through him...he frowns.’ ‘Then, shrugging his shoulders as if to free himself of his reverie, he urges the horse on. The horse disappears from sight.’
Okay I copied the last two actions because I really like them and this is how I like to write too but I’m always scared it will be deemed as overwriting. I would probably change it to something like this...
‘He stops, looks back at the lake and the soldiers, and shivers. He ponders, shrugs and then rides on out of sight.’
Your way is better but I get worried about including stuff about how the characters feel and terms like ‘before’ and ‘then’. Also later you say there is a foul odor but Garner doesn’t react to it so how do we know there is a foul odor? Please put me straight, Stevie, is your way acceptable? If so I can go back and rewrite my new script...again lol.
Just a side note here; the crucifix being removed, is it the key to holding the undead? Maybe I’ll find out later but I jotted it down as I used a similar thing in my very first feature; the crucifix was stolen and unleashed a devil...the idea I got from a movie called ‘The Keep’, have you seen it, Stevie? Good film but pretty unknown...anyway I’m off topic...
Another line here I love, it’s beautiful written but is it needed? ’His eyes open – they are like deep wells of learning and pain.’
If Burning Knife knows that the Shaman has been sleeping for a long why does she not know why he was sleeping? Just seems odd that she walked into the Tepee when he woke but doesn’t know why he’s there. I get that the legend has filtered through time but wouldn’t everyone in the tribe ask ‘hey, why is that old man always sleeping?’ lol
Page 29 typo. Burning says ‘We are barely able to survive. the buffalo...’ The ‘the’ should be a capital letter. Same thing a bit further down in the Shaman’s dialogue.
Also you have ‘Tepee’ as the slug but then say the Shaman walks to the entrance of the ‘teepee’?
If Tindall is already in the lake when he says he needs to pee, why does he then wade in? Should this be Bush who wades in or Tindall that wades out? Maybe he wades ‘further’ in? I thought this bit was a tad confusing.
Garner talks to himself a lot.
Garner checks his pistols, I thought he had only one? Maybe I’m wrong on that?
A really strong small drifts out of a once sealed mine and Garner lights a torch? Man he’s lucky he didn’t blow himself up lol.
Page 32, again you write ‘teepee’.
I’ll break here at page 33. I’ve picked out a few negatives so I’ll say that it has flown by so far which is good as half an hour in and there’s not been too much action. I like the characters and the Shaman guy is pretty good with his words of warning and visions. I’m hoping the three soldiers at the lake decide to look for Garner and give him a hand in fighting the undead? I’m not sure where the story will go other than a fight between good and evil but I can’t get away from the fact that the Shaman unleashed this and yet seems terrified about them being released, so I wonder why he did it in the first place?
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I wonder if you missed a trick when the undead stir? As they have been contained within a vacuum (the sealed off cave) which has now been opened, their flesh could have quickly rotted to become more hideous?
I’m intrigued by the bumbling Spanish zombie who fell down the crevasse.
Page 35, you’re missing a full stop, I think but the whole passage reads odd. ‘But it doesn’t really hurt them The merciless press forward continues.’
Okay something else that bothers me now. If the Shaman was happy to sacrifice the Indians in the mine (turning them into zombies/undead) why does he risk Burning Knife’s life to rescue Garner? I gather it’s so he can go get help from the fort but there are already two Indians working for the soldiers who surely know about the curse and also the Indian tribe site is pretty much not worth defending now. Why don’t they just bugger off and let the soldiers deal with the zombies as they don’t like them anyway?
Does the crucifix just keep the undead contained in the mine or does it kind of paralyse them? I ask because if it only helps to keep them contained, would not a least one of the undead have stumbled upon the underwater river that leads to the lake? I mean they’ve been in the cave for about 200 years, right?
Slight niggle here but Burning Knife tells of the white woman teaching her English to both the Shaman and Garner. I think once is enough?
The Spanish soldier emerging from the lake is a great visual shot, proper old school horror. I’m hoping the bloodshed will commence...
So I noticed ‘teepee’ again so consulted google and found it can be either ‘tepee’ or ‘teepee’. I would suggest you change the slug, think it was page 31?, where you have ‘Tepee’, just for continuity.
Did Burning Knife introduce herself to Garner as he knows her name when he speaks to the Shaman? Maybe I just missed that.
I will say that after the initial fight at the start it wasn’t until almost 40 pages, half way through the film, that the ‘horror’ started again. I have no qualms with this at all, I’m very much a slow burner story teller, but some might disagree?
The Shaman is quick to sense in his heart that Garner is not a bad man. Hasn’t he just tried to rob the Indain gold and as a result unleashed the undead horde? Lol. Maybe the Shaman needs to rethink this observation?
The Shaman is really growing on me. He seems to have a strange sense of humour.
Page 46, Tindall says the Indian has been spooking them since day one...isn’t it only day two?
On page 47, the Shaman mentions the ‘Zonbi’ have arisen, Garner questions the name ‘Zonbi’ but is told that is what the Indians call them and then Burning Knife says it sounds like he’s seen them before...yes, she was there when Garner and herself fought them off? I don’t get this bit, maybe I’m reading it wrong?
I like the banter between Hawkins, Coulstock and Lee during the card game. ‘Cos Coulstock here has an ace up his sleeve.’ Lol
On page 51 I like the way you describe the undead, who emerge from the lake, in great detail. ‘Twisted mouths are filled with bestial teeth.’ It’s great but then there’s another paragraph of what I would called ‘un-filmable’ description. I definitely need clarification on this stuff now lol.
Page 54, Tindall says ‘I really hope you what to do when these creatures hit this fort.’ Missing ‘know’.
Dohnt comes round and doesn’t seem at all pissed that someone just knocked him out? Maybe it knocked some sense into him? Lol
Tindall’s suicide was a little out of the blue.
Some good old head blasting lol. I read your little comment about missing out the action scenes and coming back to them and I wonder why, they are great.
Page 57, ‘Burning Knife looks around frantically. See the shaman and runs to him.’ Should be ‘sees the shaman’.
Page 58 there’s a double space between action paragraphs.
Also on 58, ‘A horseman veers to take him. Lee waits until the last minute, then steps aside, the horse on him.’ This reads funny, maybe a bit missing?
Page 59, ‘The riderless horse continues to run.’ Spacing error I think here?
Page 60, Garner, Lee and Dohnt quickly from the troopers into some kind of line.’ Should be ‘form’ not ‘from’?
Lee, who we don’t see in the entire second act turns out to be one the main characters at the end. I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to have McKagan survive this long? Actually I’m not sure what happened to him? He was fighting before the montage then he kind of disappeared.
Page 65, ‘Hi face is as white as a sheet.’ Should be ‘His’.
The whole kissing and killed scene is nice and touching but I wonder if Garner was already turning, would this kill him? Should Burning Knife not blow his head off just to be sure?
I like Christie and Davis showing up at the end and spoiling the easy happy ending but I think maybe they should have been introduced earlier as potential villains. They only show just before the battle and quickly scarper when the shit hits the fan. I think they would be good characters to include and develop earlier.
I enjoyed the ending with the resurrection of Garner and then the horse turning up at Fort Wallace.
In the end I couldn’t help feeling like a chunk of the story is missing. I’m not one for following the ‘rules’ of film but the second act should be the bulk of the story, the meat in the pie, but here it seems a bit thin. I think this is the problem I had with Garner and Burning Knife’s relationship. They fall in love in half a day and having very little time together. There’s no time where they get acquainted, and I’m talking about the ridiculous Hollywood crap where they would smooch off when there in a situation of the undead raising up to take over the world. I think there should be some sort of conflict before the final battle at the fort.
Some of the characters are under developed, like Lee who plays a good role in the final fight. There was also a trooper named Winton who I think has one line of dialogue but doesn’t show up at the fight which seems odd that you took the time to introduce a character, albeit quickly, but he never shows up again in the fort. This is true for the Indian scouts at the fort who disappear before the fight too.
Garner comes across well and seems to develop well over the story. Dohnt says Garner is experienced and it rings true at the end when he takes control over the defending of the fort.
So overall I think this has potential. I really like the Spanish invader and the Indian curse story; it’s pretty original and strangely believable. The build up was also good, Garner probing to see if McKagan, Bush and Tindall would be interested in helping him steal the gold (maybe this is where the story could be expanded; they all try to steal the gold?). I’ve pointed out a few things that confused or bugged me and, as always, I’m picky...strangely not with my own work though lol, so I don’t want you think I didn’t enjoy this as I did and it never once crossed my mind to stop. I just think it needs a bit of work and a bit more meat on the bones. The description of the action was particularly good too. You described the locations, undead and battle scenes really well.
Hope you find some of this useful and I’d be happy to read a second draft.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Thanks for the read mate. I'll give a brief reply now as its Tuesday morning and am getting the kids ready for school. Will add more later.
Looking at the reviews so far they've all pointed out the cut and paste, and gappy parts of the script. This is because of how I wrote it. The first half is ok as I was in a roll and right into it.
But when I was approaching the battle scenes, I became a bit worried as I didn't have experience doing that kind of stuff ( although alffy tells me I did fine on it, lol). So I skipped ahead and wrote the ending at the mine and the little bit at the finish. I didn't realise this would cause headaches later. I battled through the main attack sequence but then had to cut and paste stuff as some characters actions were changed, it was head to keep tabs on locations and who was where. I really needed to draw a little map for my guidance and will do so for the rewrite.
I revised it after finishing as best I could but still missed a few things. And there was a lingering hangover form writing a lot of on my IPad app. It seems to fiddle with the way the format looks.
The double spacing between scenes I got from Balt, and I was worried about it but can fix.
Just a couple of quick points for now: a few people seem to think the undead Indians were live ones changed into zombies - nope, they were already dead; the shaman dug them up. I allude to that when he suggests it to the Chief.
And the crucifix plus the shaman's spell is the binding that keeps the undead immobilised in the mine for 200 years. They aren't wandering in there, they are comatose until Garner removes the crucifix.
Okay, Stevie, I've read up to page 15 while taking notes... my big issue is the writing. There's a lot that is making the read longer than it should be.
Page 1:
Native Indians -- maybe just say NATIVES? Or NATIVE AMERICANS? In the opening voice over, you describe the language as a Native American language, which is more politically correct -- keep it consistent.
What does the CHIEF look like? Are we supposed to use the stereotype we first picture in our minds when we think of a Native American chief?
So, far, and it's consistent throughout, FAR too much space between SLUGS. The page count is low, but would probably be much lower if it was spaced correctly. I know you've addressed this in an earlier comment, but you should really fix that. It messes with the pacing and flow of the read.
Page 7:
Space in between EXT. and MINE ENTRANCE.
Strange objects around his neck? Such as... ?
I assume this whole scene with the Natives and the Spaniards should be in subtitles?
Quoted Text
When the dust settles, the Padre rises, panting, coughing.
Write things as they happen. As the dust settles...
Quoted Text
It is when he notices his wounded arm. No blood drips now, the flesh has became rotted already.
Should be "become"... the sentence reads oddly anyway. Again, write it as it happens. Should be...
He notices a wound on his arm. But the blood is dry. His skin rots right before his eyes.
Quoted Text
The Indian chief steps forward, to the shaman, who as collapsed on the ground.
Just refer to him as Chief, as you've been doing up to this point. Keep it consistent. And "as" should be "has". The sentence reads too long, and could be trimmed in half.
Shaman falls to his knees. Chief approaches him.
Bottom Page 8:
Quoted Text
CHIEF: Yes, but we must_
I saw this quite a bit. To show interruption it should be Yes, but we must -- or a single dash.
Page 9:
Quoted Text
SHAMAN: I will sleep now, for a long time.
Even though it's consistent with the on-the-nose speak of the natives, it sounds odd.
This is where the spacing affects the flow...
Quoted Text
NARRATOR: ... the hills were known as...
Then you have wide spacing and big chunks of description followed by...
Quoted Text
GARNER: Suicide Bluff.
It takes too long to finish the Narrator's sentence with the way it reads.
Page 10:
Does there have to be two SUPERS each time you use them? I know you were probably fading or dissolving from one SUPER to the next, but maybe let the director decide the way he wants to do that. Just write the location and the year in one SUPER.
There are a lot of characters introduced in two paragraphs. Maybe introduce them as they interact in the scene?
Page 11:
Why the Lee/Garner stand off? Because Lee said the gold story was horse shit? There should be a moment or two leading to that knife/gun exchange. It read strange. It should have been Lee engaging first. I know you want to show how fast of a hand he is with a gun, but it would make more sense if Garner offered another insult before that.
Quoted Text
The tension has eased but the two stare at each other.
A lot wrong with this sentence. They stare at each other despite the tension? And who exactly stares at each other? We have TINDALL'S dialogue before that. And "the two"... you should just say they (after we establish that it's Lee and Garner). Also (a lot of this), write it as it happens!
The tension eases as Garner and Lee stare at each other.
Should be a space after ellipses (...).
He doesn't look up but is ready for Garner.
Show that he is ready. Don't tell us what he doesn't do.
He keeps his eyes to the floor, but he clenches his fists. Ready for anything.
Or something like that.
Ugly speed? Not sure about that description.
Quoted Text
Lee hand blurs.
Should be "Lee's".
Page 12:
Again with the _ to show interruption. See above.
Page 13:
He's tall, slim and handsome. A fair man but tough when needed.
This is far too much prose... not filmable. How do we know he's a fair man but tough when needed? I know you're trying to capture his essence, which is fine, but do it in a more filmable way.
Just write SARGENT DOHNT (25) enters the barrack. Tall, slim and handsome, but with an edge behind his hardened gaze.
Or something like that.
Page 10 -15:
This is a long scene of mostly talking. The dialogue is somewhat colorful, but it grows tired as the scene drags on. This can be trimmed down a couple pages.
Page 14:
Quoted Text
It's a tight squeeze in the barrack when everyone's up and about.
More of the same.
The room seems smaller as more SOLDIERS squeeze into formation.
Having prose is fine with me in a script, though it's not my style... but it's prose like this that makes this a longer read. You could probably do without that sentence above, as it does nothing to add to the scene, really.
Page 15:
Quoted Text
The sky is brilliant blue and seems to go on forever. The troopers blink as they emerge from the barrack. The sun already beats down hard.
As I've mentioned, more of the same. Far too much prose.
Quoted Text
The 'fort' isn't a classic fort structure. There's no wall, no secure gates. Rather, it's a collection of rough buildings facing each other on the dusty plain.
If there's no wall and no secure gates, why mention it? Don't tell us what the fort DOESN'T look like.
Remember, each page represents a minute of time. This is supposed to feel like a film. Thus far, it feels like I'm just reading words.
You should describe the troopers emerging AFTER you describe the fort.
Example:
An endless stretch of brilliant, blue sky. The sun beats down upon a dusty plain that surrounds a make shift barrack - mostly a collection of sun damaged buildings facing each other.
TROOPERS emerge from the barrack and blink at the blinding sunlight.
Story wise, the opening is probably its strongest point thus far. I'll get to the rest in a little bit... I'll try to just read straight through with minimal notes to make the read go by a little bit faster.
I'll just write a couple of things now and get back here when you finish the read. I didn't realise I had some of the grammatical errors you pointed out! I should've taken a bit more time on this script but needed to purge it form my system - it was becoming a pain, lol.
A thing about 'unfilmables'. I chose to put some in when writing. I was sick of writing the same boring style so threw some in there. Not just for the hell of it though. I tried to use them to fit the story and period time. Setting a script in a historical era requires a more prosey type of writing in my book ( and you did mention that word prose too, cheers)
Ah, the old ellipsis and use of... I always use a lower case hyphen _ to show an interrupted dialogue. And I use the ... To show either a pause in speaking or a trailing off of speech. Is this right or wrong? Who knows as people do it in different ways. This is how I do it.
A mention about the fort. Fort Monument was a real place. But it wasnt a fort in the classic sense with a stockade around it. That's why I described it as a collection of buildings because it was. Maybe I could've used the normal fort as the base but because the location I used is real ( Suicide Bluffs and the lake are real places) I went with the real deal. It may have been easier later on to depict the action with the stockade and walls - maybe in a rewrite I will change it.
Anyway better go and get the kids to school. Cheers again Michael, will finish reading Morphine today
Yeah, I've never seen or heard of the _ to show interruption. It kind of threw me off a little bit, I wasn't sure what was going on... thought it was a typo at first.
Yeah, the ellipses is correctly used, but it should be a space after the ellipses.
True, period pieces and westerns where the climate/land plays a big part needs a little bit more prose, but you use it describe things that are unnecessary, and the way they were worded didn't come off right. And they don't add anything to what you're describing. Remember, this is a film...
Check out Shawn's "What Doesn't Kill You"... the prose is just right in my mind. It's quick and to the point... short sentences that perfectly depict the essence he's pulling off in a particular scene.
I'll finish this up soon and give you my thoughts on story and characters...
Wasnt aware of the space after the ellipsis, will remember that!
I actually had more unfilmables but cut them. I just wanted some more life in the action lines. I did have a line that went: 'Tindall and McKagan's eyes are like fucking goggles'. Lol. I cut it finally as I knew someone would holler at it, lol.
Have read Sean's script and loved it. Yes, he writes very precise and to theming, without wasting words.
The script is taking me a little bit longer to read. The prose is a bit much. Prose doesn't necessarily mean MORE description. It just means adding color to it. I think you're trying too hard to be clever. One good word can often have the same impact as a whole sentence without taking away from the "voice" or "personality" that you're trying to infuse into the action/description. To me, personally, a script works best when you DON'T notice the writing. It should feel seamless. This doesn't feel like a movie, it feels like a script (if that makes any sense). I judge how well a script is written by how well it flows... it makes it easier to judge the script for its story and characters.
I'm up to page 35.
There's quite a few long scenes (5-6 pages). The dialogue is colorful, but it takes a while for it to move the story along.
So far, you have the set up... the first 10 pages. You set up the myth/legend. The history. Then the next 25 pages are a bunch of guys going back and forth, either talking about the legend or cracking jokes on each other. You've all ready established character on pages 10-15. And then it's kind of stagnant for the next 20. Yeah, you bring back the shaman and have Burning Knife, but those scenes are only a few pages in comparison to the other scenes.
Things I've noticed:
A few exclamation points in the description. It can work if not overused. You kind of toe the line in that aspect. And they seem to be in places that really don't need them. It feels like you're trying to force feed the suspense to me. It comes across as unnatural.
Also, I've mentioned this before, but you need to describe things as they happen. Active voice.
Example - Page 19
Quoted Text
Garner takes deep breaths, walks slowly towards the barrack.
By the time he reaches the door, he's recovered, and in no time his normal self.
Cut the fat out! Take out the things we don't need to see. There's a lot of this. It's boring. Nobody wants to see him walk to the barrack. Just take us to the barrack. That's the beauty of film! You don't have to show all the uninteresting little details. Think Elmore Leonard's way of writing books. Omit what isn't interesting.
BARRACK
Garner reaches the door. Still taken aback, he takes a few deep breaths until calm. He puts his game face on, gets into character. Opens the door.
Or something like that, if you want to add personality.
Page 26:
Foul odor -- how do you film this? How do you convey that there is a foul odor? Show us, don't tell us. This can be conveyed with a facial expression, a wrinkle of the nose or covering of the nose.
Quoted Text
Walking to the rockfall, he spots a crucifix immediately.
Should be: He spots a crucifix as he trudges toward the rockfall.
Walking and staring -- use different words to add personality to it. Trudging, plodding, waddling, gazing, glaring, etc. Again, prose doesn't necessarily mean more.
Page 31:
Not sure about Garner talking to himself. Forced exposition.
Page 33:
Cap (Y)ou in "you... will need to fight them."
No need for flashback line. We remember the ax.
Page 34:
Kind of like how you have Dead Indians and Dead Spaniards unite with a shared goal... same with Burning Knife and Garner... shows solidarity.
Page 35:
Quoted Text
GARNER: The fuck? I've been save by an Indian... woman?
This is three pages now where he's talking to himself and it ALL sounds unnatural. This can all be conveyed with facial expressions, movements, etc.
I will get to the rest of this tomorrow, Stevie...
Michael, in some of the quoted text for the script, you haven't quoted it exactly right. I was wondering how there could be so many errors I missed, but you have actually misquoted some.
I know some people frown on unfilmables (lol) but I chose to put some in this script. Maybe some people notice them more than others. My next script I prolly won't put any in but for this script I did.
I copied and pasted most of it from the script. I took bits and pieces out of other parts... like the end of sentences because the end of a certain sentence was what I was highlighting.
Hope I'm not coming off as too harsh, but the script isn't in its best shape, IMO. But they're easy fixes. As for the unfilmables, they are used often in a lot of scripts, but you describe odor. Not only do you describe odor but (paraphrasing) you say, for sure an odor. You put emphasis on it. And that's just an example. It can be done, be it's not done particularly well here, not really capturing the essence. Like I said, prose doesn't necessarily mean more. It's a script for a FILM. Your prose, IMO, in this script, slows down the read.
It's the basic rule of screenwriting... show, don't tell. I'll just focus on story and plot from here on out because it seems you're pretty set on the writing.
I'm looking at everything I highlighted and it all matches up... not sure if you posted a new version, but the above link is the one I'm literally looking at right now.
I'm looking at everything I highlighted and it all matches up... not sure if you posted a new version, but the above link is the one I'm literally looking at right now.
No, it's the same version. But your cut and paste must be wonky as I can count 4 quotes that have words misspelt. And they are not my errors. I'm looking at them right now.
It's cool. I gotta go anyway.
Wow, that's spooky. This is my 1965th post. That is the same year my avatar pic was taken....lol
I only point out three misspelled words and they all check out... Lee should be Lee's, as should be has, and became should be become.
Oh sorry, yeah the ones you point out are definitely wrong. But in some of the quoted text boxes, there are errors that aren't in the script.
Eg: 'Walking to the rockfall, Garner spots a crucifix immediately'. In the script this is THE crucifix.
When Garner says he's been saved by an Indian woman, the quote reads 'save', again not in the actual script. There's a couple of other errors in the quoted boxes.
Sorry to be pedantic about it but kind of got to me, lol. I am tired though. Big night at work last night and up early again this morn.
Oh! Yeah, I didn't cut and paste everything... I was para-quoting (if that's a word)... but I wasn't emphasizing the misspelled word (the ones I misspelled, sorry)... I para-quoted to emphasize that the sentences could be worded differently... I wasn't saying you misspelled the words (that I misspelled). Those quotes had nothing to do with the "word" that I misspelled, as I didn't point that out.
As Stevie knows, I've been avoiding commenting here, because I don't want to be harsh or negative to my awesome Aussie brother. But, I feel like I need to jump in quickly.
I have to agree with alot Michael brings up, as well as the general underlying tone of his remarks.
The writing on display here just isn't very good and at times, it's pretty bad. I'm not sure what happened here, because I know you spent alot of time on this and I also know, more importantly that you're such a better writer than what's on display here.
I've started numerous reviews for this script and deleted them all. So, without going into detail, I do need to say a few things that have been said before by others.
The amount of white space and blank lines is obscene here. This script is incredibly bloated at a mere 75 pages, which is crazy. In reality, if the script was properly formatted, I doubt it's even 65 pages long.
On top of that, there are so many unfilmables on display which add nothing, as well as lots of overwriting that again, adds zero.
But, the shocking thing and a HUGE problem is the complete lack of visual writing and details that must be given. The intro is a prefect example of this. How big is this Indian village? How many Indians are there? How many Spaniards? Where is the mine in relation to the village? Where are these rock outcroppings near the mine's entrance and what is the general lay of the land? We're given absolutely nothing and for the life of me, I cannot visualize anything that's happening or any of the sets.
Dialogue - Not good, sorry to say. Incredibly on the nose and very juvenile - I don't buy it from the Indians, the Spaniards, or the soldiers.
This comes across like a very first draft or shell of a thought/concept and nowhere near a finished version.
One final thought about some comments from Michael on the old ellipsis. This came up in a recent thread as well about spacing after it. Yes, I understand it's technically correct, but there are other thoughts and some very interesting articles on it. Personally, I do not space after an ellipsis, as I will never leave one hanging on its own line.
Sorry, Stevie, my brother, but as I've told you outside the forum, IMO, this is not well written and needs to be cleaned up before being posted.
I don't agree with a lot of what you wrote. I know this didn't turn out as well as I hoped, as it became a struggle, especially in the latter parts.
But I honestly liked what I did with it. I was trying for something different. And doing a horror/ western piece is quite outside the square for me . So I put a lot of work into it.
I have some really good advice from Ryan, alffy and Cornie re ways of making the story stronger. I will state again that I deliberately chose to use some unfilmables so I wasn't writing in the same boring style of most scripts. I had been reading Tarantino scripts at the time as I recall and was influenced by that, lol.
Anyway sorry to be a bitch. But I did a fuckload of research on this, and I was happy with the way most of it came out.
Sorry. Forgot to mention that the spacing did come out funny on it. I wrote a lot of it on my Ipad app and transferred it to the computer. I've always done the double space after end of scene thing,,as Balt recommended it. But it doesn't normally come out that white! Will go back to one space I think or check my Soph settings.
Stevie, what I liked about this so much from the very moment you told me about it, is the story/concept - cowboys, soldiers, Indians, zombies. That rocks and can easily work.
However, as written, for me at least, it doesn't work at all, and the reason for that is the writing.
I'm a big stickler for research and I know you did it here. It's just that you didn't bother to include any visuals in your writing to show that you knew what you were writing about.
Obviously, many, many writers use unfilmables and I'll agree they do indeed add alot to the writing, if done correctly and somewhat sparingly. QT is a classic example, but remember, he directs the vast majority of his own scripts, so...he can write any way he wants to. Most Spec writers can't...or shouldn't. Because when you take out the unfilmables, what are you left with? You're left with alot less than you may think.
For me, unfilmables are cheats - they can make a bad or mediocre script seem like a decent or even good script, but when it comes time to film, it may become obvious that it was the snappy or smartass writing that made it appear to be more than it actually was.
I hear ya bro. Just wanted to get this fucker out there after way to long on it.
I'll get on a rewrite maybe in a few weeks. Am working on my Marilyn script again. And I won't be using any filmables in it as they won't be needed. Well, maybe...lol
I would suggest getting coverage from a professional. Sorry Stevie, but they won't be quite as forgiving... I'm honestly having a really hard time getting through this, and I've read tons of amateur and pro screenplays over the years. The premise is cool, and I like how these "enemies" join forces. It shows solidarity. But the execution is very poor... the writing should not stand out.
I think you're making too much of an effort to be different in your writing... you're making it a point to NOT write in the same "boring" style that most professional screenplays are written. Your writing should not overshadow the story, and unfortunately, it does here... and not in a positive way.
It's great that you're taking into consideration the suggestions of others on ways to improve the story... I understand that you've done a lot of research and put a lot of time and effort into this... but as of now, you have a poorly written, 50 page script (when spaced correctly).
You seem to be set in your style of writing with this script... but I'd hate to see all that research and effort go to waste, and unfortunately, the writing will hurt this project.
If you really want to improve this script, and improve as a writer (I haven't read your other work), I'd suggest getting professional coverage. They may not tell you what you want to hear, but they will tell you what you NEED to hear.
BEVERLY WILSHIRE - MASTER BATH - MORNING Marilyn, who just got the shit fucked out of her by some dude she met in the bar she just came from, steps out of her shower, massaging her ample breasts. She smiles as she remembers what a great fucking she just got.
The phone rings in the master suite. She knows exactly who it is and what this fuckwad wants - her body, her tits, her ass, and her lips.
MARILYN Fucking arsehole! Grow a dick like this last stud and maybe I'll let you inside again. Bitch!
WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
JFK slams the phone down, knowing damn well that Marilyn just got laid again, and isn't answering.
JFK Fucking blonde slut!
He rifles through his rolodex.
JFK I know exactly what I need to do to get this bitch, damnit!
He stops at Max Jacobson, picks up the phone again.
As it rings, he gazes off, taps his fingers, moves his head to an unheard beat.
JFK (singing) He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he's the one who'll make you feel alright...
I disagree with this completely, Michael. Stevie doesn't need a "professional" to tell him this. We can do it here for free.
Most coverage really doesn't even discuss the actual writing and/or what's right and wrong with it.
If it stands out, they will. And there's a chance it affects the way they view the script as a whole.
Quoted Text
IMO, coverage is a total and complete waste. 85%-90% of the readers have less experience than many writers in SS.
True as that may be, there are a few script doctors out there with great reputations that also do coverage.
The reason I say, go to a professional for coverage is because he seems so dead set in the way it's written... now we all have our own styles, but both you and I know that this doesn't cut it. And Stevie seems to think it does cut it. I just thought that maybe a "professional" opinion might convince him other wise. He has put a lot of time and effort into this, and it would be a shame for it to fail based on the writing.
And I read the Marilyn excerpt... where the fuck was that in Fort Hell?! You have a horror film here, it's a perfect opportunity to let loose! In the right kind of film, that kind of prose works (though some may say other wise due to the profanity). Shane Black uses similar prose in his scripts.
And don't be making false quotes based on my excerpt!!!
BTW, I know old Shane Black has made a kiling in the industry, I can't read any of his work, as I can't stand that style, unless it's a big old pisser.
I hear ya bro. Just wanted to get this fucker out there after way to long on it.
I'll get on a rewrite maybe in a few weeks. Am working on my Marilyn script again. And I won't be using any filmables in it as they won't be needed. Well, maybe...lol
Hey brother,
I see this is going into a rewrite shortly.
You want thoughts on it now or should I wait for version 2?
Just finished this - was a nice, fairly quick read so was able to get throughit, I'm not sure how others struggled?
The spacing is an issue that some have mentioned, however I know how when converting to bloody PDF (I miss the days when there were simple text files on the site) there is always a chance that it'll mess your formatting up. However you've clearly demonstrated that you know how to write an industry standard screenplay so I won't waste my time picking you up on it. There are a few spelling mistakes but, again, I'm sure you can proofread another draft and don't need me giving you English lessons haha!
Most important thing is the story. Without a good story a script is nothing - whether correctly formatted or not (unless it's a Fast & Furious film apparently). This reminded me of a script that Baltis had a few years ago - it was a zombie western set in a fort. Reminded me of zulu a bit.
The story here is good and everything stands up fairly well in the 'big picture' sense. However it wasn't clear to me that Garner was the 'main hero' until at least halfway through - I thought he was a bit of a wanker who was going to get the other guys to help him with the gold then ride off without them. Like the idea of the hot indian girl Burning Knife kicking ass, fanboys would love that. What happened to Tindall by the way? I remember him suddenly going mad and then I didn't see what happened to him.
I felt the descriptions were good. If I was a director/producer/set designer I'd have an idea of what I was filming. 'Unfilmables' can often help with fleshing out characters and locations and will give the director a better picture of what needs doing. I'd rather over-write than under-write. In subsequent drafts it's quicker to edit and delete a few sentences than have to create new ones.
So, yeah story is good - I feel if I saw this was going to be on at the cinema I'd go to it. And others would too. Dialogue is a little off at times, maybe needs tightening so some of the characters have 'unique voices' - e.g. like OMGZZ THAT IS SUCH A TINDALL THING TO SAY or YEAH THAT'S CLASSIC GARNER.
It is too short how it is, but I read your posts so I understand why and I think a rewrite is a definite must. Try and add about ten pages. Suggestions for this would be as follows
- maybe define a 'moment' between Burning Knife and Garner. Perhaps after a fight or an incident he falls onto her or something and they linger for just a second. Electric feelings of attractions clear. Perhaps a bit more dialogue between them. Although most movie girls are sluts, right? They fall in love with the hero after a few hours normally. Take 'Commando' for instance. Rae Dawn Chong is on like Donkey Kong for Arnold's dong after about 80 minutes.
- I think it should take longer for Garner to convince the fort of the danger. Seasoned wild western soldiers would be hard to spook I'd imagine.
- Perhaps at the end when Garner is brought back to life it shouldn't be so easy for the Shaman to do this. Perhaps he should fail and almost die a few times before he finally saves Garner. Plus it would be weird to see Garner's face go from 'rotted' to normal?
If there's anything else you'd like my opinion on I'll be happy to answer.
Mate, appreciate the read and the comments. I'm glad you were able to see past the rough bits of this - the white spacing, the other stuff that made it a tough read - and that you dug the story.
This will be quick as I am heading to work soon, but will write more later.. You bring up some good points about Garner. Yeah, he wasnt originally the 'hero'. When I wrote the first scenes at the fort, I was right into period mode, and trying to establish the feel of the characters in the western setting. So he was the scummy dude who was seeking the gold.
But I realised that I would have to make another char the main guy, and I sorta couldn't be bothered. Then I had the idea of this Indian chick - there was no female in it at all, I think Jeff mentioned I should have some pussy in there, lol - Then I had the idea that the Indian warrior chick could team up with Garner, thus mellowing him and creating this subplot of budding romance. I tried to show this reluctant liking for each other blossoming - your suggestions are great and will be used once I rewrite it.
The good thing is I have plenty of pages to play with in the rewrite to boost the script up to 90 pages.
Pages: 
Author
Fort Hell
Logged
You have a horror film here, it's a perfect opportunity to let loose! In the right kind of film, that kind of prose works (though some may say other wise due to the profanity). Shane Black uses similar prose in his scripts.
Locked Board