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Murder of Crows by Dustin Bowcott - Horror - A freelance wildlife photographer and her young son must fight to survive when their village is besieged by millions of flesh hungry crows. 99 pages - pdf, format
A nod to Hitchcock's 'The Birds". Okay, that's cool. But the title's been, the writing is dense and it's a 123 pager. Not a good sign. With as many scripts as you've banged out it seems you should know better by now. Sorry to be harsh, but at a first glance, I don't think I'll be plodding through this script as of yet.
It's overwritten. Needs work. Hope this helps.
On a positive note, using Celtix makes your script much easier on the eyes. Good job on that.
More a nod to du Maurier, although Hitchcock and McBain get a nod too.
I'm not sure what you mean by the title's been. I did an IMDB check on it and there is only one film with a similar name... A Murder of Crows. This script drops the 'A'... and there is nothing else that I could call this script. This script is far more deserving of the title than the 1998 film starring Cuba Gooding Jnr and Tom Berenger. I'm not sure what else I could have called this script. It screams to be called 'Murder of Crows'.
The writing looks dense because there isn't any dialogue for the first page and a half, there are also two tells on the first page... decadent, I know. 123 pages is maybe a few too many pages but this is a first draft so there will be doubtless things to cut should anyone be interested in making it. By first draft, I of course am referring simply to the first draft of a story that works and not the initial vomit draft.
Thanks for looking in though Silverback, if anything it's a reply.
C'mon! What? The title caught my attention right away. I've never heard of the other 15 year old film that is about something completely different. Maybe there's a better title for this, but I don't like Empire of the Crows at all.
This script is actually kept in a folder called 'Old Crow'... as the original antagonist was a grey, aged crow and not a white one. So that was the original title. However, Murder of Crows is the most fitting title this script could have.
Murder of Crows is good, but if you call it "Murder Crows" I'll be compelled to read the whole script tonight just based in how awesome the title is. (Nice imagery on the opening by the way)
Murder of Crows is good, but if you call it "Murder Crows" I'll be compelled to read the whole script tonight just based in how awesome the title is. (Nice imagery on the opening by the way)
Thanks.
I think many writers these days are forgetting that it takes words to create good imagery.
Pg. 1 - No "FADE IN:". Personally this doesn't really bother me but I've heard it too many times from different people in various roles in the industry that it's needed. So I put it just to make them happy. If your intention was to jump straight to a shot of the town, then I'm on board.
Pg. 1 - Your first slugline is overwritten. You don't need to say it's DUMAURIER because you state in your action lines that it's, "THE VILLAGE OF DUMAURIER". Your opening slug should just be, "EXT. VILLAGE - MORNING". Stating that it's an establishing shot isn't necessary because...well...we know you're establishing where we are. Unless you're writing this for a director and he needs to know that this is an establishing shot, it's not needed.
Pg. 1 - You state that part of the scene is, "Eastwind Wood". How do I know what that is, or where it is, or what it looks like? You could add another sign to the, "Welcome to the Village of Dumaurier" sign that points to the left and reads, "Eastwind Wood". It's visual and kills two birds with one stone. <--- Get it? Two birds...one...never mind.
Pg. 1 - Look...I know what "cum" means. But just to avoid any confusion, use "with". You have the room on the line. I'm not sure how many people know Latin phrases, but I'm sure there are more people who know slang for "sperm" or "ejaculate".
Pg. 1 - How do I know it's a church if it's nondescript? How does it being nondescript make it inoffensive? How do you SHOW that it's inoffensive? I'm sure this will come into play later in the script, but right now, it's unfilmable and novelistic.
Pg. 1 - Your second slugline, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING" might be a bit too long. Maybe. I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah. It's too long. I'm guessing that there are other scenes that take place in the various parts of Daphne's house, but you could just write, "INT. BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING". After Daphne leaves the shed and walks through her garden to her house, you can add those slugs into the script. You don't need to be so specific with your slug. Is the BACK GARDEN enclosed? If it's not, then your slug goes from inside Daphne's house, to outside in the garden, back to inside the bird watching shed.
Pg. 1 - I looked up "wax jacket" and I found a bunch of stores selling "waxed jackets". Maybe it's a cultural thing or maybe it's a typo. Just wanted to point it out.
Pg. 1 - You use INSERT when it's a POV shot. Insert is used when zooming in on an item. POV is for looking through someone's eyes.
Pg. 1 - Daphne's a bird watcher. She should already have a telephoto lens on her DSLR. I'd remove the part about her changing the lens, and initially describe the DSLR as having a telephoto lens on it.
Pg. 2 - What does an 8 year old sound like when they wake? How does it differ from a 9 year old or a 7 year old? What does it sound like when said 8 year old heads to the bathroom? How does it differ from heading to the kitchen or to the living room to watch TV? This is too novelistic.
Pg. 2 - Daphne walks through the, "EXT. GARDEN" on her way to the house. Is this the same as "BACK GARDEN"? It reads like it is. So your earlier slug is wrong. You wouldn't say, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - MORNING" You would need it to be EXT.
Pg. 2 - Describing Finlay as "intelligent" doesn't work. Intelligence needs to be shown in actions or dialogue. As it's written now, it's novelistic.
Pg. 3 - Finlay's line, "You warn me about lying with a lie.", shows intelligence.
That's enough for now. I'd like to hear your thoughts on my comments.
[list] [*]Pg. 1 - No "FADE IN:". Personally this doesn't really bother me but I've heard it too many times from different people in various roles in the industry that it's needed. So I put it just to make them happy. If your intention was to jump straight to a shot of the town, then I'm on board.
Yeah very much so. I feel that FADE IN has now become outdated. So I've stopped using it. Producers don't care about that. Maybe in Hollywood they do but this script is for the British market.
[*]Pg. 1 - Your first slugline is overwritten. You don't need to say it's DUMAURIER because you state in your action lines that it's, "THE VILLAGE OF DUMAURIER". Your opening slug should just be, "EXT. VILLAGE - MORNING". Stating that it's an establishing shot isn't necessary because...well...we know you're establishing where we are. Unless you're writing this for a director and he needs to know that this is an establishing shot, it's not needed.
[*]Pg. 1 - You state that part of the scene is, "Eastwind Wood". How do I know what that is, or where it is, or what it looks like? You could add another sign to the, "Welcome to the Village of Dumaurier" sign that points to the left and reads, "Eastwind Wood". It's visual and kills two birds with one stone. <--- Get it? Two birds...one...never mind.
[*]Pg. 1 - How do I know it's a church if it's nondescript? How does it being nondescript make it inoffensive? How do you SHOW that it's inoffensive? I'm sure this will come into play later in the script, but right now, it's unfilmable and novelistic.
Nondescript means that it isn't distinctive. You can still tell that a nondescript church is a church. It's inoffensive by being nondescript. You're right though, they both kinds say the same thing. I like the slight novelistic approach and it's only in the establishing pages. This is fine in scripts... again, this isn't for Hollywood.
[*]Pg. 1 - Your second slugline, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING" might be a bit too long. Maybe. I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah. It's too long. I'm guessing that there are other scenes that take place in the various parts of Daphne's house, but you could just write, "INT. BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING". After Daphne leaves the shed and walks through her garden to her house, you can add those slugs into the script. You don't need to be so specific with your slug. Is the BACK GARDEN enclosed? If it's not, then your slug goes from inside Daphne's house, to outside in the garden, back to inside the bird watching shed.
Yeah, I agree, I need to make the slugs work better.
[*]Pg. 1 - I looked up "wax jacket" and I found a bunch of stores selling "waxed jackets". Maybe it's a cultural thing or maybe it's a typo. Just wanted to point it out.
No, not a typo. They're called both wax and waxed jackets in my country.
[*]Pg. 1 - Daphne's a bird watcher. She should already have a telephoto lens on her DSLR. I'd remove the part about her changing the lens, and initially describe the DSLR as having a telephoto lens on it.
Thanks for the information. I didn't consider that. I'll definitely use it.
[*]Pg. 2 - What does an 8 year old sound like when they wake? How does it differ from a 9 year old or a 7 year old? What does it sound like when said 8 year old heads to the bathroom? How does it differ from heading to the kitchen or to the living room to watch TV? This is too novelistic.
A three-year old would murmur or make other noises. I wanted to avoid any confusion.
[*]Pg. 2 - Describing Finlay as "intelligent" doesn't work. Intelligence needs to be shown in actions or dialogue. As it's written now, it's novelistic. [*]Pg. 3 - Finlay's line, "You warn me about lying with a lie.", shows intelligence.
I believe that a little bit of tell in a character description is fine.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jordan, many of them have been very helpful.
The first page or two were thick with action description, but other than that the script isn't overwritten in my opinion.
I know it's a stylistic transition to move from action into the slugging, but sometimes it works well, other times it feels awkward to me. I liked it when you had:
"...walking into the
HALLWAY
And opening the door"
But was thrown off when you say:
"Alan climbs into his
INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"
Page 8: crow " chicken curry". Hah, gross. I've heard of restaurants using rat meat too...
Page 20: dang, Veronica is mean!
Paused at page 30, but enjoying it so far. I'm planning a script called Fairy Swarm, so this is right up my alley so far.
The first page or two were thick with action description, but other than that the script isn't overwritten in my opinion.
I know it's a stylistic transition to move from action into the slugging, but sometimes it works well, other times it feels awkward to me. I liked it when you had:
"...walking into the
HALLWAY
And opening the door"
But was thrown off when you say:
"Alan climbs into his
INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"
Page 8: crow " chicken curry". Hah, gross. I've heard of restaurants using rat meat too...
Page 20: dang, Veronica is mean!
Paused at page 30, but enjoying it so far. I'm planning a script called Fairy Swarm, so this is right up my alley so far.
I think the reason my scripts are usually thick with action blocks in the first couple of pages is because I like to establish the scene well. Particularly as I usually make up my own world. Whether council estate or village, I've created a whole new place in my mind. I've actually drawn maps before with all the locations in them.
Yeah sometimes the transitions work well. I've thought the same thing though at times and like any other style choice I think we tend to over use them. Probably more out of being used to it than deliberate. I agree though, on another draft it would be worth ironing any of those out that don't look right.
Thanks for the read. I tried more character building in this horror and I'm not sure if it pays off that well as I've descended into comedy in a couple of places.
Not sure if you caught the references or not. The original short story, The Birds was written by Daphne du Maurier. Hence the Village name and the name of the protag. Eastwind Wood, because in the original short, the attacking birds were believed to have come from the East wind. Which is also believed to be a reference by du Maurier to the Russians and our fear of them at the time. Of course, the Hitch and Cock pub... but the protag's surname 'Hunter' is also the surname of the original screenwriter of the birds, Evan Hunter, aka Ed McBain. The Bodega too is in reference to Bodega Bay.
Daphne is very much based on a young Daphne du Maurier.
I'll have a look around for one of your scripts. Thanks mate.