Murder of Crows by Dustin Bowcott - Horror - A freelance wildlife photographer and her young son must fight to survive when their village is besieged by millions of flesh hungry crows. 99 pages - pdf, format

A nod to Hitchcock's 'The Birds".  Okay, that's cool.  But the title's been, the writing is dense and it's a 123 pager.   Not a good sign.   With as many scripts as you've banged out it seems you should know better by now.  Sorry to be harsh, but at a first glance, I don't think I'll be plodding through this script as of yet.

It's overwritten.  Needs work.  Hope this helps.  

On a positive note, using Celtix makes your script much easier on the eyes.   Good job on that.

More a nod to du Maurier, although Hitchcock and McBain get a nod too.

I'm not sure what you mean by the title's been. I did an IMDB check on it and there is only one film with a similar name... A Murder of Crows. This script drops the 'A'... and there is nothing else that I could call this script. This script is far more deserving of the title than the 1998 film starring Cuba Gooding Jnr and Tom Berenger. I'm not sure what else I could have called this script. It screams to be called 'Murder of Crows'.

The writing looks dense because there isn't any dialogue for the first page and a half, there are also two tells on the first page... decadent, I know. 123 pages is maybe a few too many pages but this is a first draft so there will be doubtless things to cut should anyone be interested in making it. By first draft, I of course am referring simply to the first draft of a story that works and not the initial vomit draft.

Thanks for looking in though Silverback, if anything it's a reply.

Thanks for listing this script at your site, Don.

New title suggestion:  "Empire of the Crows"

This one's free of charge.  Next time I'll put it on your bill.      

I actually like the title. Caught my attention right away.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I actually like the title. Caught my attention right away.

It's been used; Murder of Crows/ "A" Murder of Crows, same thing.     C'mon!

C'mon! What? The title caught my attention right away. I've never heard of the other 15 year old film that is about something completely different. Maybe there's a better title for this, but I don't like Empire of the Crows at all.

Empire of the Crows is an awesome title and you know it.  

This script is actually kept in a folder called 'Old Crow'... as the original antagonist was a grey, aged crow and not a white one. So that was the original title. However, Murder of Crows is the most fitting title this script could have.

Here is a list of well-used film titles:

http://blogs.amctv.com/movie-blog/2009/11/the-box-now-an/

Murder of Crows is good,  but if you call it "Murder Crows" I'll be compelled to read the whole script tonight just based in how awesome the title is. (Nice imagery on the opening by the way)

Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat Murder of Crows is good,  but if you call it "Murder Crows" I'll be compelled to read the whole script tonight just based in how awesome the title is. (Nice imagery on the opening by the way)

Thanks.

I think many writers these days are forgetting that it takes words to create good imagery.

Dustin,

A few thought as I go:

• Pg. 1 - No "FADE IN:".  Personally this doesn't really bother me but I've heard it too many times from different people in various roles in the industry that it's needed.  So I put it just to make them happy.  If your intention was to jump straight to a shot of the town, then I'm on board.
  
• Pg. 1 - Your first slugline is overwritten.  You don't need to say it's DUMAURIER because you state in your action lines that it's, "THE VILLAGE OF DUMAURIER". Your opening slug should just be, "EXT. VILLAGE - MORNING".  Stating that it's an establishing shot isn't necessary because...well...we know you're establishing where we are.  Unless you're writing this for a director and he needs to know that this is an establishing shot, it's not needed.
  
• Pg. 1 - You state that part of the scene is, "Eastwind Wood".  How do I know what that is, or where it is, or what it looks like?  You could add another sign to the, "Welcome to the Village of Dumaurier" sign that points to the left and reads, "Eastwind Wood".  It's visual and kills two birds with one stone.  <--- Get it?  Two birds...one...never mind.
  
• Pg. 1 - Look...I know what "cum" means.  But just to avoid any confusion, use "with".  You have the room on the line.  I'm not sure how many people know Latin phrases, but I'm sure there are more people who know slang for "sperm" or "ejaculate".
  
• Pg. 1 - How do I know it's a church if it's nondescript?  How does it being nondescript make it inoffensive?  How do you SHOW that it's inoffensive?  I'm sure this will come into play later in the script, but right now, it's unfilmable and novelistic.
  
• Pg. 1 - Your second slugline, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING" might be a bit too long.  Maybe.  I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah.  It's too long.  I'm guessing that there are other scenes that take place in the various parts of Daphne's house, but you could just write, "INT. BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING".  After Daphne leaves the shed and walks through her garden to her house, you can add those slugs into the script.  You don't need to be so specific with your slug.  Is the BACK GARDEN enclosed?  If it's not, then your slug goes from inside Daphne's house, to outside in the garden, back to inside the bird watching shed.
  
• Pg. 1 - I looked up "wax jacket" and I found a bunch of stores selling "waxed jackets".  Maybe it's a cultural thing or maybe it's a typo.  Just wanted to point it out.
  
• Pg. 1 - You use INSERT when it's a POV shot.  Insert is used when zooming in on an item.  POV is for looking through someone's eyes.
  
• Pg. 1 - Daphne's a bird watcher.  She should already have a telephoto lens on her DSLR.  I'd remove the part about her changing the lens, and initially describe the DSLR as having a telephoto lens on it.
  
• Pg. 2 - What does an 8 year old sound like when they wake?  How does it differ from a 9 year old or a 7 year old?  What does it sound like when said 8 year old heads to the bathroom?  How does it differ from heading to the kitchen or to the living room to watch TV?  This is too novelistic.
  
• Pg. 2 - Daphne walks through the, "EXT. GARDEN" on her way to the house.  Is this the same as "BACK GARDEN"?  It reads like it is.  So your earlier slug is wrong.  You wouldn't say, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - MORNING"  You would need it to be EXT.
  
• Pg. 2 - Describing Finlay as "intelligent" doesn't work.  Intelligence needs to be shown in actions or dialogue.  As it's written now, it's novelistic.
  
• Pg. 3 - Finlay's line, "You warn me about lying with a lie.", shows intelligence.
  

That's enough for now.  I'd like to hear your thoughts on my comments.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad Dustin, A few thought as I go: [list] [*]Pg. 1 - No "FADE IN:".  Personally this doesn't really bother me but I've heard it too many times from different people in various roles in the industry that it's needed.  So I put it just to make them happy.  If your intention was to jump straight to a shot of the town, then I'm on board.

Yeah very much so. I feel that FADE IN has now become outdated. So I've stopped using it. Producers don't care about that. Maybe in Hollywood they do but this script is for the British market.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - Your first slugline is overwritten.  You don't need to say it's DUMAURIER because you state in your action lines that it's, "THE VILLAGE OF DUMAURIER". Your opening slug should just be, "EXT. VILLAGE - MORNING".  Stating that it's an establishing shot isn't necessary because...well...we know you're establishing where we are.  Unless you're writing this for a director and he needs to know that this is an establishing shot, it's not needed.

Yeah thanks, I'll need to clean those up.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - You state that part of the scene is, "Eastwind Wood".  How do I know what that is, or where it is, or what it looks like?  You could add another sign to the, "Welcome to the Village of Dumaurier" sign that points to the left and reads, "Eastwind Wood".  It's visual and kills two birds with one stone.  <--- Get it?  Two birds...one...never mind.

Yeah good idea. Thanks for the tip.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - How do I know it's a church if it's nondescript?  How does it being nondescript make it inoffensive?  How do you SHOW that it's inoffensive?  I'm sure this will come into play later in the script, but right now, it's unfilmable and novelistic.

Nondescript means that it isn't distinctive. You can still tell that a nondescript church is a church. It's inoffensive by being nondescript. You're right though, they both kinds say the same thing. I like the slight novelistic approach and it's only in the establishing pages. This is fine in scripts... again, this isn't for Hollywood.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - Your second slugline, "INT. DAPHNE'S HOUSE - BACK GARDEN - BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING" might be a bit too long.  Maybe.  I'm pretty sure it is. Yeah.  It's too long.  I'm guessing that there are other scenes that take place in the various parts of Daphne's house, but you could just write, "INT. BIRD WATCHING SHED - MORNING".  After Daphne leaves the shed and walks through her garden to her house, you can add those slugs into the script.  You don't need to be so specific with your slug.  Is the BACK GARDEN enclosed?  If it's not, then your slug goes from inside Daphne's house, to outside in the garden, back to inside the bird watching shed.

Yeah, I agree, I need to make the slugs work better.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - I looked up "wax jacket" and I found a bunch of stores selling "waxed jackets".  Maybe it's a cultural thing or maybe it's a typo.  Just wanted to point it out.

No, not a typo. They're called both wax and waxed jackets in my country.

http://www.countryattire.com/b.....WcxLoCFS_KtAoda0UAmg

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - You use INSERT when it's a POV shot.  Insert is used when zooming in on an item.  POV is for looking through someone's eyes.

I'll clean those up.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 1 - Daphne's a bird watcher.  She should already have a telephoto lens on her DSLR.  I'd remove the part about her changing the lens, and initially describe the DSLR as having a telephoto lens on it.

Thanks for the information. I didn't consider that. I'll definitely use it.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 2 - What does an 8 year old sound like when they wake?  How does it differ from a 9 year old or a 7 year old?  What does it sound like when said 8 year old heads to the bathroom?  How does it differ from heading to the kitchen or to the living room to watch TV?  This is too novelistic.

A three-year old would murmur or make other noises. I wanted to avoid any confusion.

Quoted from Nomad [*]Pg. 2 - Describing Finlay as "intelligent" doesn't work.  Intelligence needs to be shown in actions or dialogue.  As it's written now, it's novelistic. [*]Pg. 3 - Finlay's line, "You warn me about lying with a lie.", shows intelligence.

I believe that a little bit of tell in a character description is fine.

Thanks for your thoughts, Jordan, many of them have been very helpful.

The first page or two were thick with action description, but other than that the script isn't overwritten in my opinion.

I know it's a stylistic transition to move from action into the slugging, but sometimes it works well, other times it feels awkward to me. I liked it when you had:

"...walking into the

HALLWAY

And opening the door"

But was thrown off when you say:

"Alan climbs into his

INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"

Page 8: crow " chicken curry". Hah, gross. I've heard of restaurants using rat meat too...

Page 20: dang, Veronica is mean!

Paused at page 30, but enjoying it so far. I'm planning a script called Fairy Swarm, so this is right up my alley so far.

Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat The first page or two were thick with action description, but other than that the script isn't overwritten in my opinion. I know it's a stylistic transition to move from action into the slugging, but sometimes it works well, other times it feels awkward to me. I liked it when you had: "...walking into the HALLWAY And opening the door" But was thrown off when you say: "Alan climbs into his INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY" Page 8: crow " chicken curry". Hah, gross. I've heard of restaurants using rat meat too... Page 20: dang, Veronica is mean! Paused at page 30, but enjoying it so far. I'm planning a script called Fairy Swarm, so this is right up my alley so far.

I think the reason my scripts are usually thick with action blocks in the first couple of pages is because I like to establish the scene well. Particularly as I usually make up my own world. Whether council estate or village, I've created a whole new place in my mind. I've actually drawn maps before with all the locations in them.

Yeah sometimes the transitions work well. I've thought the same thing though at times and like any other style choice I think we tend to over use them. Probably more out of being used to it than deliberate. I agree though, on another draft it would be worth ironing any of those out that don't look right.

Thanks for the read. I tried more character building in this horror and I'm not sure if it pays off that well as I've descended into comedy in a couple of places.

Not sure if you caught the references or not. The original short story, The Birds was written by Daphne du Maurier. Hence the Village name and the name of the protag. Eastwind Wood, because in the original short, the attacking birds were believed to have come from the East wind. Which is also believed to be a reference by du Maurier to the Russians and our fear of them at the time. Of course, the Hitch and Cock pub... but the protag's surname 'Hunter' is also the surname of the original screenwriter of the birds, Evan Hunter, aka Ed McBain. The Bodega too is in reference to Bodega Bay.

Daphne is very much based on a young Daphne du Maurier.

I'll have a look around for one of your scripts. Thanks mate.

Dustin,

Opened this last night. Had no idea it was you, but once I did I read some. Youve offered me some advice so quid pro quo. I got only to page seven before  I turned in for the night, but one lingering thing that bothered me was this: your transitioning of your action blocks to mesh into a full slug, then continuing on the next action block.

I've never seen this quite the way you do it. I've seen it with mini slugs, but never a full slug. I guess you're trying to experiment here and maybe do it a way no one has. At least I've never seen it that way.

My opinion is I think it detracted from the read and interrupted your flow.

Your opinion?

Steve

The only time I change to a full slug is when transitioning from outside to inside.

For example a car. Before one gets in the car they are EXT. and yet upon entering they are INT.

Mini-slugs are simply large slugs made miniature, they are still, for all intents and purposes, a full slug and should be read as such. They also only work when interchanging between scenes that run off a main scene. I'm not sure using a mini slug to switch from an interior to exterior is the right move.

So, if it ruins the flow rather than enhance it, which is my true aim, then perhaps the scenes where I transition from into and out of a car for example can be better written so as not to flow into each other.

Personally though, I simply read over the EXT and INT... kinda push them to the side. I don't think that it would be something that would put off a producer.

Cheers mate.

(Still reading the script in the crack of an 80 hour work week. Almost finished.)

I think you're right that the story is more important than the sluglines. In the end a good story is a good story. But anything that interrupt the even even slightly can detract. Maybe it's a very simple solution: Instead of:

"Alan climbs into his

INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"

Just try -

"Alan climbs into

INT. ALAN'S CAR - DAY"

Just seems to flow better.

You mentioned that you were putting a lot more effort into the characters on this script. I think it's paying off, especially since there are so many, everyone needs a unique voice and memorable personality. I do admit though, there were points were I got a bit lost character wise. (Reading in multiple sittings didn't help, so maybe it's no big deal)

Couple of small details:

Page 33 -  "Nathan smiles and leaves the room." should that be Alan?

How big of a rock can a crow carry? I've seen one carry a slice of pizza once...

I love the flame thrower. Daphne's crow punching is great too. Can't wait to see what else the villagers come up with. Baseball bat?

Thanks for the review. Yeah there is definitely work to do on this one so don't pull punches. I would probably chop out a lot of the beginning on this... which is probably a fault in a lot of my scripts. I could easily jump straight into the story but I like to keep the set-up, which I suppose is mostly just for the writer's benefit anyway. We set the mood and this then enables us to write the rest. It hurts to delete it sometimes.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I'm not sure using a mini slug to switch from an interior to exterior is the right move.

Hey Dustin. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I think what Steve means is:

Daphne downs her coffee, removes the memory card from the
camera and heads through her extensive
EXT. GARDEN - MORNING
pausing briefly to breathe in the crisp spring air before
entering her

I'm cool with your mini's as they're all contained within one scene. Problem with moving through slugs in this way is your break-down which will come later on, and will look like this:

EXT. SHEEP FIELD - GATE - DAY
Jim waits...
EXT. DUMAURIER VILLAGE - MORNING - ESTABLISHING
A small...
EXT. GARDEN - MORNING
pausing briefly...
EXT. ST ALBERT’S PRIMARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY
Daphne drops Finlay off...

-- you might have any number of EXT. GARDEN... etc, with no reference points, and if some of your subsequent scenes have different people in them, then someone needs to know that at some point.

Thanks for clarifying. I think I understand what you mean. There shouldn't be any confusion as Daphne's is the only garden in the film. It's not an important scene and could probably be cut all together depending on how the director wanted to handle it. I think it is necessary though to indicate that the bird watching shed actually sits in her garden and not a place she's had to visit.

Although that may be obvious anyway from the baby monitor and then her appearing in the house. They don't have that much range.

I suppose I could call it DAPHNE'S GARDEN...

This script has had a rewrite... It started out at 122 pages and is now down to 98. It was way overwritten and the thing is, I didn't realise it was overwritten at the time. It wasn't 24 pages overwritten. But, it was approximately 7 pages overwritten. I'd been writing for approximately 15 months at the time of writing this and thought I knew it all. Wow. I was so wrong.

Anyway, much tighter script now.

The reason I'm rewriting all these old scripts is because I need things polished. I find myself pitching scripts, then when producers ask to read them I'm afraid of handing it over because I know it needs work.

Anyway, if you fancy something a little bit different to the rest of the horror that's out there, this would be a good choice. I'm confident of this script being picked up one day.

Hello, Dustin...

First, congrats, on dealing out another feature!! No, easy feat. Now, with all those birds, I expected a lot more cars to get pooped on, haha. So, as far, as appearance, it was a smooth read in IMO. However, three-fourth quarters I found myself starting to skim. Usually, when I find myself skimming it’s because I’m feel as though I’m reading the same beat, and I’m searching for the next plot point, twist, new information or whatever people call it these days. The story didn’t lack action, again, nice descriptive narrative, and even the characters as many as there were, I wasn’t too confused on who was who and who was doing what. But, more often than not the action didn’t lead to new information for the characters as far as what’s really going on. Now, I’m not saying a story has to KNOW what’s going on, but SPECULATION from the characters POV, IMO, helps keep the story moving on. A huge pitfall of horror genre is having a hero who’s too passive or only reacting to happenings rather than driving some of the action. Maybe I missed some key information as I found myself skimming. So, I’m going to read some other comments, as well.

Why were the crows attacking? And only stop after the white one dies?
How does the crow/birds reflect on Daphne (main characters) weakness/flaws?


So, I’m under the impression lately belief that all creativity is only separated from those who edit more, so edit, edit, and polish away.


BLB

The crows fly away once the leader is killed. I took the logic from James Herbert's The Rats where once the leader is removed the other rats stop attacking. Something has to cause the attack, otherwise they'd be attacking all the time. I could go for radiation or similar, but I preferred natural causes as it adds more horror.

There was dialogue in the earlier draft that pointed out the 'leader' thing but I dropped it as I thought it was covered by everything else going on.

I need to work on Daphne's flaws. I suppose just having her as a single mother is cutting corners.

I think with our first drafts we cut lots of corners, because the idea is to finish it. Then we spend the following drafts correcting them. So easy to miss a cut corner though. So, thanks for pointing that out and for the read. Much appreciated.

Makes sense. Wasn't familiar with James Herbet's The Rats did a quick read on wiki... No problem, man, looking forward to your next script.


BLB

Didn't realize Dustin was a UK head...

Still tho, I'm not too sure about the mini-slugs... I always hate using them personally. 4 mini slugs in the opening? All in bold.

I might be underestimating the importance of them but could you write your way out of using them? While still maintaining the clarity of the visual within the particular scene?

Quoted from Max Didn't realize Dustin was a UK head... Still tho, I'm not too sure about the mini-slugs... I always hate using them personally. 4 mini slugs in the opening? All in bold. I might be underestimating the importance of them but could you write your way out of using them? While still maintaining the clarity of the visual within the particular scene?

If they're in bold then I see them more as camera directions. Inserts rather than slugs. Because the location doesn't exactly change. We go from the bird watching shed to what she sees through the binoculars or whatever. It's a style choice I'm not inclined to want to change at the moment.

Yes, UK here. I'm in Birmingham.

Quoted from DustinBowcot If they're in bold then I see them more as camera directions. Inserts rather than slugs. Because the location doesn't exactly change. We go from the bird watching shed to what she sees through the binoculars or whatever. It's a style choice I'm not inclined to want to change at the moment. Yes, UK here. I'm in Birmingham.

Yeah that's fair enough, was just curious that's all. I do use mini slugs but it's more like...

INT. DUSTIN'S HOUSE -- DAY

Dustin nibbles on an apple.

LATER

Dustin sits on the couch, watching TV.

Something like that anyway.

Yeah, I use mini slugs as well as inserts.