Demon Within by Khamanna Isdandarova - Horror - While filming a documentary about a set of murders at a house, a young man, recently debilitated, struggles to contain his suspicions and jealousy about his fiancé and best friend but soon discovers the cause of the victims' demise when the three's hostilities manifest demonic doppelgangers. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Logline is a bit clumpy.

For consideration:
While filming a documentary about a set of murders at a house, a recently debilitated, but paranoid young man discovers the victims demise may have been caused by demonic doppelgangers.

It's not a massive improvement -- still a mouthful -- but maybe this encapsulates the theme with less words.

I'm now going to read the script. Looking forward to it.

I've read the first ten pages. I'm going to stop here for tonight, it's getting late and I need to work on some of my stuff.

I'm not sure I should come across as so negative in a review, it's not going to benefit myself in return reads, but I have to be honest.

I will read the entire script but I had to stop at several points, and this becomes annoying. Therefore I feel I need to point these things out to you.

3>  Finds a footage -- finds footage.
I tthink he's on pause but the description...makes me pause. For several moments to figure out what I'm seeing. His crazed eyes... that line. Just say a still motion shot of Simon looking into the camera. Flows --

5: Lisa reaches for Greg's blanket as it seems to slide off. -- It either slides off or it doesn't.

6: It's foggy outside and they peer out of it. -- Awkward sentence. They peer out  of their windows. Fog covers the landscape.  Not much better -- if at all -- but it keeps things present.

Odd description here.:
Abandoned house. Vegetation around is barely present.  So we see an abandoned house. Vegetation is around, but is barely present? Not sure what I'm supposed to see here.

8: I'm nitpicking, but the RAMP they use to enter the house should not really have creaking floorboards. Perhaps describe the wooden slats CREAK. The word floorboards took me elsewhere.

We enter the house -- and have a written tour of it's infascructure. This is telling, not showing. If you want us to see the rooms, show us.

As far as I  can see, we're in a dark hall with a staircase and doorways. You then tell us what is beyond those doorways without showing us.

INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Who looks inside what bedroom? Lisa walks into what? A doorway perhaps?

9:
There's a cupboard in a corner. A few inches from a wall. There's a closet behind it?
I have no idea what I'm seeing here. You have a cupboard a few inches from a wall... a closet beside it, perhaps.
Cut the shite. A closet. A cupboard. That's all that is needed. Don't need inchies and measurments.
Over complicating simple description.

They pass by the long array of tablets... wait, what? What tablets? Perhaps you mean to introduce these tablets, so it would be " a long array of tablets". Then show us. As of now, you are saying we've supposed to have seen these already. Confused.

Where are these tablets? On the walls? Hanging like a picture frame? No idea what I'm seeing here.

Dialogue is decent, characters are fine. It's a simple haunted horror house flick at the moment, by the numbers, nothing amazing is making me want to tread further which is dissapointing.

It will get hotter, no doubt.

Wow, it's up already - thanks, Don!

Mickey,
Thanks, no need to apologize before you review, lol. Thanks a lot for all the notes/wording suggestions - that's s big help. You made me feel like a slacker with yours, but I honestly haven't noticed anything - ut was a clean read) will be waiting for more, thanks.

Hey, DS741,

Thanks for the read. Great catch on SUV/CAR slugs and BEDROOM slugs.

I'll have to work on characters - this is only first draft.

About the slugs - small slugs indicate continuous action while full slugs denote time breaks - that's how I decided to have it in the script.

One question though - what character's name change are you talking about on p29.

Quoted from DS "It’s obvious now that it’s not been Greg but Demon-Greg" is what I had in mind.

Oh, ok. But that's another character. Demon-Greg and Greg are two different characters that look exactly alike. It's just one is a human and ther other one is a demon. The ugly demon creature turned into Greg when Greg went roque.

The beginning is confusing only because you are trying to cram so much exposition into one scene. Does it really matter considering this is a horror movie what was bought, with whose money, or why? We don’t even know these characters yet. I would think about building your characters first before you dive into backstory. Backstory can always be sprinkled in as the movie progresses but you only get once chance to make a first impression.

There is a bit of overwriting early on. For example “The thunderous clouds loom overhead. The weather doesn’t look promising.” I know it’s not looking promising because there are thunderous clouds overhead.

A lot of the banter in the car just seems to be banter. Do we need all the ribbing and joking around? I’d cut a lot of it out and get right to your story. You could have had the kids pull right up to the house page 1 and I don’t think much would have been lost.

So they bought a house where a murder was committed and plan to turn it into an attraction? And a house that seems very out of the way? I’m not sure how good of a business plan that would be.

Page 8 when Max reads the sign needs to be written as dialogue, not action.

Are they filming a documentary now? I’m confused.

Give the bedrooms names such as master bedroom, guest room, children’s room etc.
Page 15 and nothing has happened. I’m not sure what the stakes are, the characters seem very much the same at this point except Greg and only because he is disabled.

They arrived at a house. There appears to be a demon but he isn’t doing anything except checking himself out in a mirror. You have a creepy house which might create a scary atmosphere but nothing scary has happened.  

Too. Much. Talking. Not. Enough. Plot.

Page 24. So Greg just attacked and killed Max because…….. there was a demon on the ceiling in another room? That was sudden. Part of what makes horror movies work is the slow build up of tension. I’m not sure if having them all killing each other right off the bat, and jarringly, is a good idea. Being shocked and scared are two different things.

Max is dead and nobody cares or helps him? Instead Greg starts attacking the house right away?

These demons take a long time to change shape.

So the demons get pretty aggressive pretty fast. What is stopping everybody from just leaving the crazy house? One of their friends was just murdered by another, demons are attacking and chasing them. And still they stay? They have a car outside.

Skipping ahead now. I see a lot of action lines starting with He. He wrings. He staggers. He tries. He climbs. He looks. This is death. Combine action lines. Change it up. Say more with less.

This is getting messy and losing me. As soon as the demons come out it just seems like one big fight/chase scene. People die and come back to life or are impostered. Messages are left on the wall, and everybody talks a lot considering the horrible circumstances. The dialogue is very on the nose. Everything just blurs together.

What are your three acts? Did you outline this story or just write as you made it up? I read earlier it’s a first draft and that very much shows. But before you go back and rewrite what you have I would take a hard look at your story structure. This starts off slow and then hits the fan quickly. It’s hard to keep that frantic momentum up for the whole movie and I think that’s what you’re trying to do here. You have some good ideas to work off of. Having a disabled character is something you don’t see often. A male and female demon that shape shift is great. Once you establish that, can you ever truly trust what anybody says or does throughout the movie? The writing on the walls that the demons can’t read is a good idea too. But the rest is very messy. Again it’s a first draft I know, but without a solid structure it might be even less than that.

Hey, Cameron,

Thanks for the read. I'll get over with your script soon.

p24 - Greg didn't kill Max because of the demon. Greg doesn't know there are demons in the house.
Looks like you're totally not into it - and that must be the reason for confusion. You just didn't like the script and I completely understand.

About the structure - I did start with a beat sheet, which I devellopped into a  small plan, which turned into a one-page outline. Then I wrote a three page treatment... I like this stuff. So I don't know... The outline and the treatment were written in Russian and optioned by Russians at some point (they option treatments)
It's actually hard to get out of structure with this one.

Anyway, I'm sorry you didn't like it. Looks like you couldn't finish it and that's okay.

So Greg killed Max on purpose? Why does he then go crazy and start attacking the house? It totally came off he was possessed.

Like I said, you have some good story elements but you need to embrace them. It's a first draft, there are bound to be issues after all. Don't play all your cards at once. Because once you introduce the demons things get out of control quickly. Find a way to force the kids in the house, car breaks down or flat tire. Horror stories work because they build and build the tension and horror over the course of the movie. Slow things down a bit. Your characters don't need to be attacked and chased non-stop throughout the film.

This has lots and lots of potential.  Three characters, one location, a love triangle, and some horror mixed in.

Three characters:  This is great because you have more time to develop them and make them feel 3D.

One location:  Also great, as it'll be easy to film.

A love triangle:  You can never go wrong with this.  If done right, love triangles can be filled with drama, conflict, irony, all that jazz, and readers/viewers love that shit.

And then you have the horror aspect you can sprinkle in there.

This could have been great, but it was terribly executed.

First off, I would drop the whole demon thing.  Get rid of the demons.  Yeah, it could make for very good mystery - who's who? - sort of like John Carpenter's The Thing.  But I think you have something better than the whole goofy demon stuff, which got exhausting rather fast.

I liked the idea of two guys and a girl - with sexual tension between them - shacking up in a haunted house and then the house making them turn on each other.  The only problem is, you dived in to it too quick.  It all happened so fast and felt forced as hell.  There's no build up or subtlety.  It would have been great to see Max, Greg (also, I would recommend that you come up with some more inspired names for your characters as they're very generic at the moment) and Lisa act differently toward each other over a period of time, saying things, and doing things, that they wouldn't say or do.  

Some ideas:  You could have developed the jealousy that Max has for Greg because Lisa is with him.  And maybe Lisa even knows how Max feels about her, but she remains faithful to Greg despite his disabilities.  But you could have the house's evil force just warp her mind and make her sneak into Max's room one night so she can get laid on the account that she's not getting any because of Greg's handicap.  The next morning they could all be sitting around having breakfast, Lisa cooking for Greg and Max, and Lisa gives an oblivious Greg a kiss and a hug and tells him 'I love you' or something and Max just watches with disdain.  The whole scene is filled with irony and like I said, readers love that shit.  Oh my God.  The possibilities here are endless.  You could do a whole number of things with this love triangle.  The horror would definitely take a back seat to all of this shit, but I would like to see quiet, subtle, nothing crazy, but kind of creepy stuff happening around the house as these three slowly start to bicker with each other, lie to each other, and betray each other.

One more thing.  I want to discuss why these three are there in the first place.  There's a couple throwaway lines about the previous inhabitants and how the house "turned" them too.  Lisa says:  "The man that gave an interview, Simon, said that... the evil in them stirred up once they got into the house, something like that."  It's the "something like that" part that comes across as lazy.  You should really get specific here.  How did the evil "stir up" in them?  Have Simon mention an incident or two in his interview as examples.  Get specific.  Get precise.  Get particular.  Get detailed.  The more you start doing all that, the most cliche and boring thing will cease to be cliche and boring.

All in all, I honestly think you have something exceptional here, but it needs a serious, full blown, page 1 rewrite.  

Best of luck!

Quoted from CameronD So Greg killed Max on purpose? Why does he then go crazy and start attacking the house? It totally came off he was possessed.

I see that the story went over your head - must be my fault and I'm sorry about that. I'll think about making it clearer.
No, he didn't kill Max on purpose, and he wasn't possessed. I actually wrote already what happened to him here in the earlier post. Looks like the story is not for you.

Hey, deadite.

Thanks for the look. I can only hope to develop it into a porn one day.

You said I read something of yours - I can't remember what. I'm curious what it was. Could you please tell me?

I revisited the opening ten and it's no where near as bad second time around. I may have been too critical, particularly on the seeing and telling aspect.  I now understand the groups intention.  They are going to the house to make a video with props in order to help promote the building as a haunted house attraction park. ( As Greg says on page 12,  I'm not too sure what this would achieve promotion wise. Notoriety, perhaps, and sure a few ghoulish tourists might be interested in visiting -- but anyway, apologies for missing this first time round).

12: This feels like a POV shot. It might be easier to use UNKNOWN PERSON/ ENTITY POV. As of now, I get what you are aiming for but it lacks visual clarity. Of course, this could just be a style choice. Bottom line -- I understand what you mean but there may be a better way of describing it.

13: Greg grows suspicious of Max's "friendship" with Lisa.  Interesting to see how this develops.

BEDROOM 1: Am I seeing this correctly? As this entity materializes, the first thing we see is a an eyeball? Then the face? But we don't see the face? I'm trying to picture something shrouded in darkness with only it's eyes visible...

14: hungrily sparkle -- sparkle hungrily might be better.

15: I prefer how you have described the transformation process here.  It's much clearer. It reminds me of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers or Hellraiser.

16: Simon, Megan, Kate, David. Got a feeling we might be bumping into these a little later. Lisa pockets the stake. Might come in use later, also.

20: I'm actually quite invested in this story now. Good dialogue, very real. Max is turning into the "rude, bad guy", even Lisa had a swipe at Greg’s disability. Characters are changing already, and it's well written.

23: Lisa grabs hold of the wheelchair -- but Greg rolls away -- Lisa slips on her face and knocks herself out? Hmmm. Not too keen on how this works, seems a bit slapstick.  I feel the same way when Greg attacks Max. It's more effective when he hits his head on the table but I'm just having a hard time visualizing someone in a wheelchair knocking two people out in quick succession. Not saying it's not possible.

24: He keeps turning into a man as he listens to Greg. -- I'd cut this line.
25: Regarding structure, I believe we are where we need to be. For the most part, I think you write well. There's a very interesting story waiting to unwrap.
26: Could cut "with them".  
No need for CUT TO:

1-25 SUMMARY
A trio of friends GREG, LISA and MAX, are interested in filming a promotional piece for a haunted house attraction style theme park. They aim to stage a series of murders that happened following advise from the sole survivor Simon, who speaks on video interview about evil. After a brief exploration, where we discover various nameplates quoting biblical texts,  tensions boil between Greg and Max. Two demons take shape in the bedrooms -- perhaps feeding off the poisonous atmosphere or spreading negative energy as they take form (Ghostbusters II?).  Fed up of cruel taunts, Greg accidently knocks out Lucy and causes Max to have a possibly fatal fall.

PROS: Setting. Can't go wrong with a small cast and single location. Good dialogue, authentic. Characters seem real. Writing is good - when it works, it flows well. Couple of stumbling blocks were infuriating at the start but this could be just me adapting to your style. Potential for conflict is high ( a plus).  I'm intrigued to see what happens next.

CONS: None really. At first, I thought there was a lack of clarity regarding the characters motivations for going to this house. I believe I misread the dialogue and it made more sense on second reading.
To be continued...

Quoted from khamanna Hey, deadite. Thanks for the look. I can only hope to develop it into a porn one day.

LOL If that's what you got out of my post, then you totally misunderstood me.

Oh well.

Best of luck.