Continued...

27: Lisa says "Forget all." Did Lisa mean to say "Forget it all." or "Forget all about it."

SECOND FLOOR WINDOW -- This threw me a bit.  At first, I thought this was outside the house and we were looking in.  It is set in the livingroom -- but I think this in the HALL and up the staircase, where there are a couple of windows.  So the female Demon is appearing here? Something like this:



I could be a million miles wrong but that's something like what I'm trying to visualize here.

28: Lisa being corrupt is feeding the Female Demon, I guess?
29: Greg reads a sign on the wall, written in blood. Maybe:  Greg reads words on the wall, written in blood. Unless of course it is an actual sign.
32: His eyes become different, as if change in color. *If they change color, you should show us what color they change to.
She grabs it and hits Demon-Greg's on the head with it. *She grabs it and hits Demon-Greg on the head.

I'm noticing a surge in awkward writing. I won't bring up every single one, but try to keep things as present as possible.

33: Interesting that Demon-Greg has to also use the walker.
So Greg gets scratched, looks down the stairs and calmly calls down to Lisa?  What about dealing with the immediate threat first, Demon-Lisa? Need more urgency here.

36: STAIRCASE BETWEEN 1st AND 2nd FLOORS -- HALL STAIRCASE?

The scene on this page is incredibly taxing to read. Lines like this: "He hears the struggle between Demon-Greg and Lisa, stops for a moment and listens."

37: Top of the page, you could probably cut ten lines. It needs two lines, three at most.
They tumble down the stairs and land unconscious. The brass stake rolls from Lucy's pocket.
That's ten lines condensed to one line, maybe two in FD. The other lines you have are redundant, apart from adding the wheelchair falling on top of Greg, they state the same thing.

38: Tone seems to be changing completely. It's entering farce.
39: Why is Greg going after the demon? Surely he should be heading downstairs to find Lucy? I realize Greg thought the real Lucy told him to keep hold of Demon-Lucy, but I'm struggling to buy this. Just get Lucy and get out.

More biblical nameplates. I'm guessing these demons can't just walk out by themselves, and are trapped inside this house and need Greg or Lucy to help them à la The Keep.

41: Greg takes a dagger from the corpse that looks like a stake? Dagger or stake, please stick to one or the other.
42: Greg carves his name into the wall. I like that this makes sense of the previous carvings/ blood written messages we've seen before. He's now experiencing the same ordeal. However -- to nitpick -- he's got time to do this? Just get on with finding Lisa!
43 - Surely Greg can hear that Demon_Lisa's growl came from downstairs?
44 - Greg goes back to looking for Demon_Lisa again. He's turned into a bit of brain-dead character here. I find it hard to understand his determination to find the monster, rather than find the woman he loves and get her to safety.

Some of the quotes/ signs are blatantly pointing out the writing is on the wall. I think they add a nice touch, humanity's weaknesses regarding jealousy and anger which our characters have endured, but be careful not to overdo it.

The door inside the room -- just call it a bathroom door. And why does he open it, close it, then open it and enter? Just have him enter inside when he first opens it.

You need to look at your sluglines. Make them more descriptive.

45 - How is Max blocked from escaping? Demon-Greg is in the basement. Demon-Lisa just got stabbed in the living room.  He's got a free run to the front door.

50 - Feel like we're going round in circles. We don't seem to be getting anywhere.
I do hope we discover who put all these helpful signs around the house.

51 - Greg's pulsing vein reminds me of the one he had earlier. It would be interesting turn of events if Greg is the Master Demon or something and has had this planned out from day one. Maybe not, but it's a relief to have an end to all that running around.
53 - Why is Demon-Greg talking to Lisa as if nothing has happened? She just saw him crawl across the ceiling and try to kill her.

25-55 SUMMARY
Lots of running around, fighting with demons, walking into dark rooms, reading signs. The jealousy theme (the cause of the conflict) still exists but the paranoia that could have been developed from the opening act has been unfortunately set aside.

PROS: There is a market for this type of horror film. No doubt about it; I watch them on TV in the background all the time. I feel if you rework this segment and up the ante whilst keeping some of the suspense alive it would move the script up a level.

CONS: Following what I believe was a promising first act, I'm disappointed you chose to go down this route for the second act. Sometimes it's better to keep the monster in the dark. Here, when they are revealed, they don't strike me as particularly threatening. I'm not sure what they want to achieve -- maybe they're just playing with these guys before they kill them, maybe they need them to escape the house. But whatever it is, they're not menacing enough.
This was such a difficult read at times. Lots of awkward writing, unneeded sentences, missing words in dialogue, worst of all -- repetition.

Hey, Mickey,

I'm printing out the comments - great stuff, thanks. I won't answer the comments if you don't mind, trying to study the feedback, rethink some moments in the script... not easy)) Thanks again, very well-thought feedback.

Responding to the last set of comments - thanks again!!

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 28: Lisa being corrupt is feeding the Female Demon, I guess?

Yes, and I'm glad it's on the page - was worried about it not being clear.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 29: Greg reads a sign on the wall, written in blood. Maybe:  Greg reads words on the wall, written in blood. Unless of course it is an actual sign.

Done!

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 32: His eyes become different, as if change in color. *If they change color, you should show us what color they change to.

You're right, I will.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood I'm noticing a surge in awkward writing. I won't bring up every single one, but try to keep things as present as possible.

Yeah, I do that - I must reread several times, in certain time intervals or I won't get them all.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood So Greg gets scratched, looks down the stairs and calmly calls down to Lisa?  What about dealing with the immediate threat first, Demon-Lisa? Need more urgency here.

I'll work on it, thanks.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 37: Top of the page, you could probably cut ten lines. It needs two lines, three at most. They tumble down the stairs and land unconscious. The brass stake rolls from Lucy's pocket. That's ten lines condensed to one line, maybe two in FD. The other lines you have are redundant, apart from adding the wheelchair falling on top of Greg, they state the same thing.

That was a problem scene - I remember rewriting it several times. I want to show how much time it'll take on screen when I write. I made it cleaner anyway, thanks for pointing it out.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 38: Tone seems to be changing completely. It's entering farce.

That's not good - I'll reread to make sure it doesn't.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 39: Why is Greg going after the demon? Surely he should be heading downstairs to find Lucy? I realize Greg thought the real Lucy told him to keep hold of Demon-Lucy, but I'm struggling to buy this. Just get Lucy and get out.

He changed - he's more angry than loving. I'll make sure it's on the page, good find.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 41: Greg takes a dagger from the corpse that looks like a stake? Dagger or stake, please stick to one or the other.

Done.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 44 - Greg goes back to looking for Demon_Lisa again. He's turned into a bit of brain-dead character here. I find it hard to understand his determination to find the monster, rather than find the woman he loves and get her to safety.

I guess I need to show more of a struggle here. He's a bit of brain-dead - but that's normal for him - anger and menace won over love.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood Some of the quotes/ signs are blatantly pointing out the writing is on the wall. I think they add a nice touch, humanity's weaknesses regarding jealousy and anger which our characters have endured, but be careful not to overdo it.

I'll work on it, thanks.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood You need to look at your sluglines. Make them more descriptive.

Yes, I do. That's a challenge for me, so I normally do it at the end (which is not normal perhaps).

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 45 - How is Max blocked from escaping? Demon-Greg is in the basement. Demon-Lisa just got stabbed in the living room.  He's got a free run to the front door.

They had a little fight with Max their and moved into the hall. Now Lisa is between the door and the staircase. I'll make sure my thoughts are on the page

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 50 - Feel like we're going round in circles. We don't seem to be getting anywhere. I do hope we discover who put all these helpful signs around the house.

The tourists that's been there before them. And Greg follows their steps. The pictures of the monsters is from the owner. It's all in there when they do their research - Max and Greg go through thte books and stuff later in the story...

Quoted from MickeyHatewood 25-55 SUMMARY Lots of running around, fighting with demons, walking into dark rooms, reading signs. The jealousy theme (the cause of the conflict) still exists but the paranoia that could have been developed from the opening act has been unfortunately set aside.

The jealousy will be back for sure.

Quoted from MickeyHatewood PROS: There is a market for this type of horror film. No doubt about it; I watch them on TV in the background all the time. I feel if you rework this segment and up the ante whilst keeping some of the suspense alive it would move the script up a level. CONS: Following what I believe was a promising first act, I'm disappointed you chose to go down this route for the second act. Sometimes it's better to keep the monster in the dark. Here, when they are revealed, they don't strike me as particularly threatening. I'm not sure what they want to achieve -- maybe they're just playing with these guys before they kill them, maybe they need them to escape the house. But whatever it is, they're not menacing enough. This was such a difficult read at times. Lots of awkward writing, unneeded sentences, missing words in dialogue, worst of all -- repetition.

I thought about demons being their imagination but then decided against it - that would overcomplicate the matter and I want a simple horror flick. I'll try to make the demons more menacing I guess.

Hi there. I´m new at this so I don´t know how this works nor have I really read a script before this... I also apologize for anything I´m about to say, I´m not trying to be rude or to insult the author of the script; I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about it.

Anyhow here it goes: For starters I wasn´t full concentrated while checking the script so I might got a few things wrong or didn´t understand part of the sotry... not blaming on the writing, it was me since I didn´t give it all my attention.

With that said I think your writing is AMAZING. Great description, very visual & precise. Straight to the point & clear enough to make the story flow  & also creating a creepy feeling about the location but also giving the images a good-looking style... if that last part makes sense.

I think many lines work very well. They seem like the right ones most of the time. Now, I do find some cons. I get a huge vibe of Evil Dead meets House... & by House I mean the book by Ted Dekker that was turn into a Michael Madsen movie in 2008, Another thing I noticed was that you really succeed in creating some suspense in the scenes where a character is with a demon but he/she doesn´t know it yet... I think it´s a problem because on paper we know that anything bad can happend to the character while a demon is with him/her but on film I think that disappears.

I´ll try to explain myself. On paper we know who´s the demon because it says it right before that character says a line, now on film I think the audience can get confused because they look the same & we can´t tell them apart. Yeah, I know Greg goes upstairs while Lisa stays on the ground floor but as far as I remember I got lost, I mean at some point the events didn´t tell me who was whom, I only knew that because of the name of the character when started to speak.

Another thing, the twist about Max... On film it perfetly works because we get to see but on paper we should know the twist since the real Max dies because the one character who´s now talking is Demon-Max. I think you cheated in that by not putting Demon-Max after the real Max died.  Maybe I´m worng about this last one & it´s the right way to do it... in that case I apologize for my ignorance.

A big problem I noticed was the the logline is quite misleading. I mean, "found footage"... the characters go to that place to do a documentary but I think we only see them do one take & that´s it. I think the theme of filming a documentary should go throughout the script because that´s part of what someone wants after they´ve read the logline. Besides I thought they´ll use more equipment but they just don´t. They leave it laying around. I think i´d be better for the story to have them use their equipment, I don´t know, maybe the demons look different in camera or they use the laptop to investigate &/or get help. What I´m saying is that if they have things, they should use them, if they won´t then don´t even let them have those thing.

Sorry to use this but I want to get my point across. In Evil Dead or The Blair Witch Project the characters try to use the things they had but for the story to work they lost those things or they didn´t work... now if a character has technical equipment he/she will use it to get the best out of it in that situation like it happens in 1408 or Grave Encounters. In this story you set up things that can be used as plot devises but then you don´t even mention them again... you even brought the gasoline tank out of nowhere, at leat that´s what it seemed because nobody mentioned it before that line Greg says.

There´s not to much plot to the story... after the very well-conceived set-up it´s just a bunch of people walking around in an old house reading from the walls & fighting from time to time. I mean it has some great ideas, don´t get me wrong, you story has much potential with that take on demons that transform into humans within a house but... aside from those concept the events themself aren´t interesting enough, not to mention that honestly the human characters were really, really unlikable to the point that I was rooting for the demons to win. I think the problem was how they treat each other, not the dialogue because most of the lines were really really good.

I mean, that "love triangle" was the problem. I never belived that Greg & Max could be friends nor that Lisa was worth all they did or say to each other. They were like the worst people. One last thing about the characters... didn´t really get whay the demons wanted to leave. I like the idea of them wanting to be humans but I think it needs more work, it´s mentioned like one time & that´s alright because we don´t want to give away the motivations of the antagonists but I think that looking back after the reveal nothing adds up to that.

More conflict & plot could make the demons´s motivation & past way more interesting. Maybe to say that they were humans once but aren´t because of some sort of curse, that they do it because someone above their food chain tell them to do it or just that they got fed up of being trapt in that house so they don´t care if the prize to get out is stop to be demons.

Also, big question: Why nobody leave the house? Demons or humans... I just didn´t get it, why they stayed in it? Nothing led me to thing that they couldn´t pass trought the door. And why would Greg will leave his "dead best friend" on the floor next to her fiancee just to go upstairs? I thought the house was "seducing" him but it wasn´t clear to me. The reactions the humans have towards seeing their (even though they werent) friend dead was just unlikeable, like they didn´t care or they were used to that.


Another thing: I was hoping to know more about the story of the survivor but I just got some pieces here & there. I think that story could be use to inspire fear & a very disturbing set up... like the movie Oculus or Grave Encounters does. If the characters are doing a documentary use their knowledge & what they´ve investigated to try to figure out a plan to fight the demons. Honestly I was confused about Greg being in a wheelchair. Some times I thought he could walk perfectly without help & then I was surprise to know he couldn´t.

I guess that´s all... I don´t really remember more. Thank you for reading this far & I´m sorry for writing so much. I also apologize if it seems like I´m being rude to you insulting your work. That´s not my intention. Probably most of what I wrote doesn´t even make any sense or I´m the one who´s wrong & so many things I said are different, clear or not even in the script.  
    

Quoted from Someguy Hi there. I´m new at this so I don´t know how this works nor have I really read a script before this... I also apologize for anything I´m about to say, I´m not trying to be rude or to insult the author of the script; I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about it. Anyhow here it goes: For starters I wasn´t full concentrated while checking the script so I might got a few things wrong or didn´t understand part of the sotry... not blaming on the writing, it was me since I didn´t give it all my attention. With that said I think your writing is AMAZING. Great description, very visual & precise. Straight to the point & clear enough to make the story flow  & also creating a creepy feeling about the location but also giving the images a good-looking style... if that last part makes sense. I think many lines work very well. They seem like the right ones most of the time. Now, I do find some cons. I get a huge vibe of Evil Dead meets House... & by House I mean the book by Ted Dekker that was turn into a Michael Madsen movie in 2008, Another thing I noticed was that you really succeed in creating some suspense in the scenes where a character is with a demon but he/she doesn´t know it yet... I think it´s a problem because on paper we know that anything bad can happend to the character while a demon is with him/her but on film I think that disappears. I´ll try to explain myself. On paper we know who´s the demon because it says it right before that character says a line, now on film I think the audience can get confused because they look the same & we can´t tell them apart. Yeah, I know Greg goes upstairs while Lisa stays on the ground floor but as far as I remember I got lost, I mean at some point the events didn´t tell me who was whom, I only knew that because of the name of the character when started to speak. Another thing, the twist about Max... On film it perfetly works because we get to see but on paper we should know the twist since the real Max dies because the one character who´s now talking is Demon-Max. I think you cheated in that by not putting Demon-Max after the real Max died.  Maybe I´m worng about this last one & it´s the right way to do it... in that case I apologize for my ignorance. A big problem I noticed was the the logline is quite misleading. I mean, "found footage"... the characters go to that place to do a documentary but I think we only see them do one take & that´s it. I think the theme of filming a documentary should go throughout the script because that´s part of what someone wants after they´ve read the logline. Besides I thought they´ll use more equipment but they just don´t. They leave it laying around. I think i´d be better for the story to have them use their equipment, I don´t know, maybe the demons look different in camera or they use the laptop to investigate &/or get help. What I´m saying is that if they have things, they should use them, if they won´t then don´t even let them have those thing. Sorry to use this but I want to get my point across. In Evil Dead or The Blair Witch Project the characters try to use the things they had but for the story to work they lost those things or they didn´t work... now if a character has technical equipment he/she will use it to get the best out of it in that situation like it happens in 1408 or Grave Encounters. In this story you set up things that can be used as plot devises but then you don´t even mention them again... you even brought the gasoline tank out of nowhere, at leat that´s what it seemed because nobody mentioned it before that line Greg says. There´s not to much plot to the story... after the very well-conceived set-up it´s just a bunch of people walking around in an old house reading from the walls & fighting from time to time. I mean it has some great ideas, don´t get me wrong, you story has much potential with that take on demons that transform into humans within a house but... aside from those concept the events themself aren´t interesting enough, not to mention that honestly the human characters were really, really unlikable to the point that I was rooting for the demons to win. I think the problem was how they treat each other, not the dialogue because most of the lines were really really good. I mean, that "love triangle" was the problem. I never belived that Greg & Max could be friends nor that Lisa was worth all they did or say to each other. They were like the worst people. One last thing about the characters... didn´t really get whay the demons wanted to leave. I like the idea of them wanting to be humans but I think it needs more work, it´s mentioned like one time & that´s alright because we don´t want to give away the motivations of the antagonists but I think that looking back after the reveal nothing adds up to that. More conflict & plot could make the demons´s motivation & past way more interesting. Maybe to say that they were humans once but aren´t because of some sort of curse, that they do it because someone above their food chain tell them to do it or just that they got fed up of being trapt in that house so they don´t care if the prize to get out is stop to be demons. Also, big question: Why nobody leave the house? Demons or humans... I just didn´t get it, why they stayed in it? Nothing led me to thing that they couldn´t pass trought the door. And why would Greg will leave his "dead best friend" on the floor next to her fiancee just to go upstairs? I thought the house was "seducing" him but it wasn´t clear to me. The reactions the humans have towards seeing their (even though they werent) friend dead was just unlikeable, like they didn´t care or they were used to that. Another thing: I was hoping to know more about the story of the survivor but I just got some pieces here & there. I think that story could be use to inspire fear & a very disturbing set up... like the movie Oculus or Grave Encounters does. If the characters are doing a documentary use their knowledge & what they´ve investigated to try to figure out a plan to fight the demons. Honestly I was confused about Greg being in a wheelchair. Some times I thought he could walk perfectly without help & then I was surprise to know he couldn´t. I guess that´s all... I don´t really remember more. Thank you for reading this far & I´m sorry for writing so much. I also apologize if it seems like I´m being rude to you insulting your work. That´s not my intention. Probably most of what I wrote doesn´t even make any sense or I´m the one who´s wrong & so many things I said are different, clear or not even in the script.

First off, I haven't read you review - not my script....but....

Welcome to SS, I appreciate the effort you have put in. Whether we are right, or wrong, is often not the answer. It is whether we tried.

You did.

One point. Scriptreader is an industry term. It suggests you are experienced which you suggest you are not. I would recommend changing it to something else, if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Regards

Bill

I didn´t think the name would be a problem... I didn´t want to change it because I can´t came out with another one. What a bummer.

Anyhow, thank you for the welcoming.

Hey, Scriptreader.

THanks so much for the read. I appreciate the kind words on my writing - not something I hear often.

I agree with many of the questions. I did have them, but decided on the easy way out hoping no one will notice. But readers do notice.

so, the glaring holes right now are - how did Demon-Max knew of the sign Greg and Him agreed on. You spoted that and you're not the only one. I must fix that and I already have an idea how.

Another big question is - why they don't leave. At first they don't have time to leave as after Greg commits his first deed - rams into Max after Lisa's fall - he goes crazy and questions the house. THe stains lead him to the second floor and he follows them as he's too mad at this point. Then Lisa is being dragged into the basement by the Demon. She doesn't have time to leave as she meets both Greg's at the same time as soon as she gets out of her hiding place. Max can't leave - Demon-Lisa blocks the exit.
But they can leave when all three unite and start studying the books. I do need to address that issue here. I have an idea... let's see. I'll play with it. I'm thinking to make their time in the living room very short. They sort of decide to leave but start arguing and the events pick up again...

About the real ones and demons being confusing - I'm hoping the viewer knows at the last possible minute. I think it should be fun. I was counting on it actually.

The conflict - thanks for the push, I can make it shine. I have something in mind - quite a few scenes need to be ammended - and that should better the characters and add more conflict. Hopefully!

The characters are gone very hostile toward each other - that's why they are unlikable. Lisa could be more likable perhaps. I'll think about it.

Actually, some excellent points throughout - need to establish gasoline tank, more info on the demons, their motivations - I'll work on that.

Thanks for the additional push, I already made some changes related to what's been said and printed it out again to see what more should be done.

Khamanna

(I agree with Reef - you better change the nick not to confuse us. I think you can easily change it. Many of us do that all the time)

Well is now changed. I�m glad I didn�t upset you with what I said. I hope your keep writing on it, you have pretty good ideas.

One last thing. I get now the why they don�t leave but, in all honesty, I think their reason should be stronger. I mean, you said "But they can leave when all three unite and start studying the books." I dunno, maybe I�m confused but studying a book is the last thing I�d do if I found "demon like creatures" that fight me & my friends. If they are together the next common choice should be leave no matter what. I think i got the idea that in one of the walls it says that nobody should leave or they�ll unleash the "evil" (I can be wrong) which might seem as a good reason form them to stay... but then I thought: wait, why should we belive what the wall says? & also... if they�ve seem to be selfish I think they�d leave at their first chance.

I feel like I�m overstepping so I�ll just say one last thing about their motivations to stay: the consequences of leaving or try to leave the house should be bigger than the ones of staying. I mean, if the only thing they have in mind is to leave then everything they�ll do have to express their goal, if their actions don�t make us feel their goal then there�s something off... What I�m trying to say (if makes any sense) is that having the characters with more than one goal will not only give them depth but that�d explain why they don�t do certain things that lead to an ultimate objective.

i.e. One of them wants to leave but feels like won�t make it far enough alone so he/she needs the help of the other. Perhaps wants to have prove of the supernatural to get famous or something & so he/she stays until gets a recording of the demons, or because of a vision of the previous victims a character wants to do the right thing for that trapped soul & so he/she stays to kill the demons... etc

Hey, again.

I don't think you should worry about offending anyone, especially if the feedback is not at all offensive - in this case it's not.

You paide attention to the read and have pretty good ideas - I'm very thankful for that.

About leaving - they do want to leave but each boy wants to find Lisa first and leave with her.
I'll make that point stronger - so it comes across right away.
And I was going to work on the part when they study about the demons - they should not. They need to want to leave and leave the demon in the house. That could be used as part of the conflict - Max wants to leave, but Greg wants to finish off the demon.

I'll think about previous victims but I don't want to capitalize on them... so I don't know about that.

I get it know. Thanks for clear in some stuff for me. Keep it up. I´m sure you´ll do it great.