Quoted from ChristinaW Very scary! I love it that all the characters are despicable in different ways. Just when one gains my sympathy, they turn around and behave horribly. I think that's fantastic. Not the usual hum-drum, predictable crap I'd been reading lately. I didn't quite understand why Luke kills the prostitute, but I was reading quickly and may have missed something. All in all, it was a really fun read & I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

Thank you very much. The part where he kills the prostitute will be taken out. I agree that it is too great a shift in his character. It almost ruins the story. Certainly something I'm going to figure out.

Glad you found it different. I try to write things I'd like to see on screen and I hate most films, so it has to be different to interest me.

I had some time to read and review a bit of this earlier today. I'm enjoying this slow bleed thriller with complex characters. I'll try and post again tomorrow. I hope these long notes aren't too long. Let me know for next installments if it's too much. No worries...

THE EVIL WITHIN, THE GOOD WITHOUT --- THE FIRST 25 PAGES

A quiet beginning spent setting up characters. Refreshing. A lot of horror today starts with that opening stinger, right. I’m not going to comment on formatting/grammar/spelling stuff. From what I’ve gathered around the SS boards you like to pump out a 1st draft real quick. Me too. So I’m thinking you’ll take another pass soon enough to fix up those issues or whatever. IE: extra commas during character intro. I’ll only mention something else if it really stands out.

Hmm. Short cut skirts, revealing cleavage – good way to keep us interested before things kick off. I like that image of the clock on the Jesus cross. For me, this hints at some dark humour. I’m thinking this family is super religious and oblivious to the sacrilege of marketing a God with tie-in products and merchandise. Funny suggestive work there.

Eljah holds Noah’s decapitated head, “Is he dead?” Creepy stuff. I’m thinking he has a touch of THE OMEN in him. I have a suggestion to slightly tweak Angela’s response (p.4) and remove 2 “have”s close together: “You –need- to have faith.” Emphasis on need. Especially, for the subtext. Some people –need- faith / religion more than others. Angela has a little of CARRIE’s mother in her  - that religious fanatic element – which can be effectively terrifying. So far this concept is ripe for psychological horror. Maybe spazzes out with the Holy Spirit – maybe she needs another pill.

I really like how the scares slowly simmer to a (eventual?) boil. I like this sort of slow brew horror. Maybe Rahab could mention that Angela isn’t qualified to homeschool Elijah, therefore keeping him out of school would be neglect. I like this turn of events, however. It looks like Momma is going to fight hard to get her son back.

I wonder if you will explore education further, from a fanatic’s point of view. They don’t want their children to be taught science or evolution or sex or whatever. Maybe you could even mention a Creationist school or something. Like maybe even if there just isn’t one close-by. Or is this just a case of attachment – Angela can’t let go of Elijah. She’s too obsessive and controlling. Regardless, this concept allows you explore many dimensions of social commentary – even if it’s just in subtext. Good stuff, Dustin. Obviously, for me, this subject matter you’ve selected to examine sparks a lot of interest.

“I’ve got my son and God, that’s all I need”: Angela (p.. Wow. A great statement. And a real opportunity to highlight this quote in the MOVIE TRAILER. Filmed from the right angle, with the right performance, this could be a really chilling moment. Man, that smile she gives. Whoah. This moment was… Simple. Effective. Scary (depending on the viewer’s ideals). For me, this woman is fuckin nuts and I’m scared for her child and this town.

What frightens me is that I don’t know yet what Angela is fully capable of – or what extents she will go to. I get a sense that she has no limits when it comes to defending her child and her God -- like any good religious extremist. Um, that was sarcasm there. But it is interesting that you examine religion’s flaws while not pointing the finger to Islam (but rather to Christianity). Fundamentalism is not an isolated event. Compelling subtext, nice and early.

...more....

...cont...

Bible Quotes & Blowjobs… No, that isn’t a new reality show on American television. Hehehe. I jest. -That- was a disturbing moment. The passage you used was suggestive and analogous to the oral sex stuff in some degree. I like that you thought that out. I guess this is an instance of sound paired with image to jar our experience, unsettling us on some deeper subconscious level. I hate to say it, but I’m kinda glad you went there.

Hmmm. What’s up with that powder (p.10)? And the meds? I’m thinking Luke wants Angela dead. So he slowly kills a day at a time with an undetectable poison or something. I like how this stuff makes Luke a bad guy too. I guess I could better excuse the adultery. I mean, Angela doesn’t seem like she’d be, um, down for that. But, if I understand this correctly, this slow murder stuff is inexcusable. So they’re both monsters, in different regards. Just complex enough.

The ceiling –breach- was good stuff. I hope it’s just a taste of things to come. I like the idea behind it. Does she see God because of meds, or because He is real? Like, He –speaks- to her through visions as a warning of some sort(?). Technical NOTE (p.11): revise “car sits idling” to “Angela’s small car idles.” A little thing, it stood out b/c next description has “Elijah sits” - so too much sits(?).

Dang. Since you set things up effectively nice and early, as soon as I heard that SPLASH I knew what happened. Or, should I say, I feared the worst. He was told water couldn’t hurt him b/c God would always protect him. So, cheers to good writing earlier. The splash triggered my memory and fears immediately. NOTE: Someone jumps in to help. I’d remove the “unconcerned for clothing”. It was a little awkward, although I understand what you’re suggesting. For me, with all the intensity of the moment that phrase harmed the energy. I’d prefer a stream-lined description there: “A rescuer jumps into the pond.”

The scene shifts to Cocaine & Viagra. Another TV show –coming- later this Fall. Haha. Wow. This must be quite the marathon session with Rahab to need all that –inspiration-. I wonder if Luke should say “Reloaded” before he jumps in for a joke moment to break the tension of the previous pond scene.  But really, what a conflict of emotions he’ll have later. He ignored the call about Elijah to have (more) sex with his mistress.

Oh man - again this cross-cutting of scenes cause emotional conflict within the viewer (um… me). It’s like yes, we get to watch people fuck – then, no – b\c at the same time we’re watching a dying little boy. A grand juxtaposition of life (purpose of sex, right) with death. Illicit (subliminal) language too, pairing “stroke” & “head” within Angela & boy’s description. Conflicting images, for sure. Good work with the stark contrasts here, Dustin.

The cross clock ticks… Good image. Creepy that she took boy home vs hospital. Good parallel with early stuff with home vs school. Home is safety. All else is evil, for Angela. I dig it. Interesting too, since she thinks God protects against every danger. I wonder if she should get angry at God here. But I understand if you’re working your way up to that moment for later on.

Luke returns home… Hmm. No mention of Elijah from Angela, or Luke? I’m sure she has a reason in not telling him. I’m kinda scared to see if maybe the boy returned as some sort of monster. Or if Angela has snapped, and she plans on killing Luke now? Just letting you know what this one reader thinks as they absorb your tale - including any ridiculous out-there theory that pops into my mind from your suggestive material. Hehehe. I’m thinking Elijah’s death was the tipping point. And now she’s going to try and destroy the whole damn world.

The air refresher stuff was good. Creepy. Then Luke asks about some oral pleasure. Right out of the blue. I guess it makes sense though, like you have Luke say, they’re the only ones home. And I like how you show Angela still feels like Elijah is there – even if he’s dead – by having her look to the ceiling (his bedroom – but also where she looked for God through the open ceiling earlier). Nice.

....MORE...

...cont...

Man, Luke just gets creepier. I’m wondering if you’re messing around with my expectations here. Like I assumed Angela would be the –monster-, as per conditioning of previous movies like CARRIE. But I get a dreaded sense Luke might be may worse. You helped me along when Luke gives Angela meds to knock her out so he can finally have sex with her. I guess this is the only way he can get some at home. Creepy as fuck. I assumed, earlier the powder was slowly killing her. I don’t know what’s worse. I like that line from Angela too, about thanking God for Luke’s orgasm. Again, creepy shit. So good stuff there.

Next up, Angela watches an old movie… I wonder if you should let us in on what happened to Elijah. Even if you don’t full on reveal it yet. A nice little extra hint would be nice – like you did with the air fresheners. I mean this is what I’m wondering. I’m patient, so we’ll see how long it takes for another hint, but I would consider the effect this has on the audience. Some folks are really impatient so they might need a little more suggestive material about the fate of Elijah.  The movie suggests that Angela will look to science for once and try to reanimate a dead corpse like in FRANKENSTEIN.

I see that a scene or 2 later, you do reveal Elijah’s condition. I would consider embellishing this reveal a bit more by building up to the bedside approach - especially if a blanket covers his little body. Our mind would spin wondering if he will magically rise. Or we anticipate disgust upon a reveal of his corpse. I see how you hinted at this slow approach to the body, but it’s written so sparsely it doesn’t feel like that much time passes. Milk that tension. You’ve set it all up well. For my liking, I would enjoy a little foreplay here – unlike our man Luke. Tease that reveal. This should be a huge moment considering he speaks. By the way, you made a good choice to cut the scene after Elijah speaks. It keeps us on the edge, eager to see the next scene with mother & son.

Vera’s slug-lines could use some condensing. While Mother-in-law helps me know who she is; for me, this could be mentioned through description. I would then consider the use of mini-slugs like “hallway” & “kitchen” & such to streamline the proceedings. Comedy & Tragedy invade the house to urge panic and a heart attack in Vera. Shocking stuff. While I expected it was Luke & Rahab, I am definitely wondering why they came here. I’m assuming some sort of life insurance thing. Like Luke will take the money from this and Angela’s death (from his poisoning) to go live with his mistress. Hmmm. I’m not sure I like this turn of events yet. Let’s see how this develops further. I’m thinking once Angela gets wind of this, all bets are off. Maybe she will use a certain little demon boy to exact vengeance, erm, God’s Will? Regardless, this was quite a turning point, and an unexpected way to end the first act. By the way, good build-up to the scares with Vera searching the house and such.

To the morgue… I wonder if Angela would consider using her Lazarus-like words and try to resurrect her mom. She could fail and rationalize it due to old age, and her time had come or something. And back to another hotel scene. The structure here seems to be purposefully replaying/revisiting scenes. I think you’re trying to establish  a routine here, b/c it’s about to get shattered. But all this powder drop, coke sniff, sex with Rahab, etc starts to get a little too repetitive. I get a feeling your structure is about to evolve here, or get a bit of a shake-up. I just mention this so you’re aware of a possible stagnant / stale situation should this repetitive cycle continue on.

I’ll stop here for now. This feels like a natural Act break. It seems like we are shifting into police investigation next. That should be interesting. Good stuff so far. A creepy religious fanatic theme. Complex sexual relationship themes brew. I like how we have no clear view on evil yet. It seems like everyone is committing questionable acts. I’d like to know more about Rahab’s motives (which may soon be revealed)… I will read more and post further note soon.

We’ve got a nice slow-brew thriller here with a focus on real-world horror and elements of the supernatural.

Thanks for the review so far mate. Certainly a lot to think about and I'm glad the things work how I wanted them to. While writing I have a certain numbness to the events and it's only as you relate them back to me that I realise how effective they are. Thank you very much.

I took a look.

SPOILERS

I would make the kid's death more dramatic and make it more his mother's fault. So on some level she's consumed with guilt. I kind of thought that was the angle you were going for. That the kid wasn't a zombie, but that he was really dead and his mother was so consumed by guilt that she playing along. It was a coping mechanisms of sort, that he was resurrected in this form. We already know, that she wasn't mentally stable, so her death pushed her over the edge. She became so delusional that this was the only way she could cope with her child's death.

I saw a Australian movie called "The Babadook" few weeks back. SPOILERS - It was about a mother that was grieving her dead husband, who died a while back and was driven mad by her disobedient child. So she "snapped" . She was basically driven to madness by these events and imagined a very scary character called the Babadook. The movie was left a bit open-ended, it wasn't explained that she had gone mad, but I think it was pretty obvious that, that's what happened. You can check out the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5WQZzDRVtw

Something along those lines would be more interesting IMO.

The idea is to have the viewer questioning whether he is or isn't a zombie... I didn't know myself till right at the end. I had the choice to go either way, and I feel it is open to interpretation right until the end... which is what I was going for. I also felt that by the time it got to the end the viewer would almost certainly be thinking one direction, so I deliberately chose the other.

That didn't work for you... but that is how I intended it. Can't win them all.

Quoted from DustinBowcot That didn't work for you... but that is how I intended it. Can't win them all.

SPOILERS

It was good, that you kept the kid apart. Thus leaving doubt.  I had to go back and re-read this line: "pushing brain matter, between his lips.". Because I thought you made it clear here that it was all in her head. But then...

Anyway you write really concise. Gotten pretty good at it. It's my opinion that you could up the flavor here and there. But that's just me.

Funny thing. In the script I just wrote a cop does the same thing that your cop did to Luke.

Quoted from Demento SPOILERS It was good, that you kept the kid apart. Thus leaving doubt.  I had to go back and re-read this line: "pushing brain matter, between his lips.". Because I thought you made it clear here that it was all in her head. But then... Anyway you write really concise. Gotten pretty good at it. It's my opinion that you could up the flavor here and there. But that's just me. Funny thing. In the script I just wrote a cop does the same thing that your cop did to Luke.

Even with the ending it could still be in her mind... first time he would have moved (even in her mind), but I think it's still viable that she imagined it all.

I feel that she is also a little misunderstood. She's been placed on medication she doesn't need, alongside being drugged with other stuff. Everyone around her is out to get her inheritance. Yes she does some crazy shit, but she never touches an innocent. Maybe I need to do a better job of it (this is one of those stories I wrote straight through without any problems) but I think I've done a fairly good job. All the clues are there. Maybe women would sympathise with her more. What she does is bad... but she's driven to it by all around her and she takes out her enemies.

I agree with the drowning. I'd like to do something more with that. Maybe too convenient. I'm relying on the over all atmosphere of the film to carry through this scene. It's a necessary scene and probably the scene I hate the most. Not sure I could carry Angela being to blame though. I have to keep her the victim as much as possible or the story falls apart.

I want the atmosphere of the 1950s, even have the actress look like that. I see her as blonde, and slightly deranged... but I'd be willing to move to a Brunette (I actually have an actress in mind)




or even redhead for the right actress. Same as the husband, tall, dark hair and always in a suit, a typical cad. I'm not sure I could move much on that.

Either way, I'll need funding so it's going to have to wait until my second short film is made before I can go around making attachments. But I would like this to be my first feature, I think.

Hey, Dustin

Quick read, some quick thoughts. Well, within the first 10 pages we meet Luke, his son, Elijah, and the mother, and main character, Angelia, who quite quickly turns out to be an overbearing religious fanatic. Horror is always a little more intense when it involves the family. In fact, I’d say what we are dealing with in the initial part of the story is drama, which is really what you want, and isn’t what I’d considered “slow.” Really, you want to setup as much subtext as possible because once the shit hits the fan it may be rolling at a pace to rapid to inject such subtext, partly what I think happens in the last act of the story, sort of.

Quoted Text I'm not sure about the whole B and B thing altogether... but within the grand scheme of things, if it is to be kept within the plot then I think the scene you're talking about is in keeping with the integrity of the script.

I know eventually you get to a point where everything on the table and it has to play out. However, in this instance, which you already are keen too, is that this sequence of the B&B may be to convenient. I’d say mainly because it isn’t allude to, foreshadowed, talk around, no subtext about it.

Back to the early parts; good build up, nice intro to all characters. Each character has an agenda, so each is in constantly in conflict. Horror has it’s pitfalls, and what I like most is that you where conscious of them and tried to avoid them, such as lack of plot in a lot usually slasher horror, passive main character. Though, you didn't completely avoid them, some repetitive parts. A lot does happen.

Quoted Text “The part where he kills the prostitute will be taken out. I agree that it is too great a shift in his character. It almost ruins the story. Certainly something I'm going to figure out.”

While killing and torching the prostitute maybe out of character, I don’t think it’s out of character for him to have sex with one, maybe he even get’s rough in an attempt to see if he really even has it in him, but he doesn’t. I agree a character doesn’t have to be liked, just engaging. You got: detective who wants to stop Angela but for sex and money, Rahab who wants to take a son away from a disturbed mother but for sex and money, and Luke who well… sex and money. I did find his exposition while trying to kill Angela unnecessary because you’ve already set it up so well. My take away from the story whether you intended it or not is that “whether for the right (loving your son) or wrong (sex and money) reasons unchecked obsession can lead death. Anyway, good read, I’d recommend anyone surfing for something to take a look at this.

BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, Dustin Quick read, some quick thoughts. Well, within the first 10 pages we meet Luke, his son, Elijah, and the mother, and main character, Angelia, who quite quickly turns out to be an overbearing religious fanatic. Horror is always a little more intense when it involves the family. In fact, I’d say what we are dealing with in the initial part of the story is drama, which is really what you want, and isn’t what I’d considered “slow.” Really, you want to setup as much subtext as possible because once the shit hits the fan it may be rolling at a pace to rapid to inject such subtext, partly what I think happens in the last act of the story, sort of.

Yes it is what I wanted and I agree with you it isn't slow. I'm referring to comments I have read from other writers who would perhaps prefer a more instant gratification. I truly believe the viewer will appreciate the drama in this, and I also believe it is what is missing from much of the horror genre today.

It was only a couple of years or so ago that I would have said the horror genre is dead. It isn't frightening any more. Maybe that's because I've gotten older, but I'm more inclined to think it is because they are often too simple, they go from A to B with very little in between.

Quoted Text I know eventually you get to a point where everything on the table and it has to play out. However, in this instance, which you already are keen too, is that this sequence of the B&B may be to convenient. I’d say mainly because it isn’t allude to, foreshadowed, talk around, no subtext about it.

Yeah. My GF reads all my scripts first and that was something she found jarred with the rest of the story.  

Quoted Text Back to the early parts; good build up, nice intro to all characters. Each character has an agenda, so each is in constantly in conflict. Horror has it’s pitfalls, and what I like most is that you where conscious of them and tried to avoid them, such as lack of plot in a lot usually slasher horror, passive main character. Though, you didn't completely avoid them, some repetitive parts. A lot does happen.

Thanks. I did a lot of research and took a few days turning a basic story over in my mind before setting down to write.

Quoted Text While killing and torching the prostitute maybe out of character, I don’t think it’s out of character for him to have sex with one, maybe he even get’s rough in an attempt to see if he really even has it in him, but he doesn’t.

Yes, I like and will use that. I agree. His over-promiscuity coupled with the abuse by the detective would have some psychological ramifications. The murder is a step too far... but testing himself and then finding he doesn't have what it takes to do it is very fitting, thank you very much.

Quoted Text I agree a character doesn’t have to be liked, just engaging. You got: detective who wants to stop Angela but for sex and money, Rahab who wants to take a son away from a disturbed mother but for sex and money, and Luke who well… sex and money. I did find his exposition while trying to kill Angela unnecessary because you’ve already set it up so well.

If it reads as exposition I better remove it. Especially if unnecessary.

Quoted Text My take away from the story whether you intended it or not is that “whether for the right (loving your son) or wrong (sex and money) reasons unchecked obsession can lead death. Anyway, good read, I’d recommend anyone surfing for something to take a look at this. BLB

That's a very good take. Thanks.

If you have a script listed here or otherwise and you'd like some eyes on it, let me know.

New Logline: A devout Christian, due an inheritance worthy of murder, finds solace in a son resurrected through prayer and does whatever it takes to satiate his craving for brain.

My pleasure, and when I get something up you'll be one of the first people I notify. I think you'd be of great help.

BLB

Dustin,

Read your script. Aside from a few typos, technically it is well written and everything a script should be in terms of description, character development, continuity, etc. While horror is not normally my genre, I can still appreciate the time and effort devoted to developing a well written story. The few points I found to address have been covered by other reviewers. In fact, I can see a horror master like Wes Craven or Rob Zombie (both yanks, I know) directing a film made from this script. Die-hard horror fans would probably receive the movie version very well.

Best of luck.

Ian

Well, that truly is a compliment, thank you. I do of course also acknowledge that you are aware of what needs to be fixed. Not that it's a small fix, it will take rewriting almost the entire 3rd act. I already have some ideas for the fix. Thanks again.