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  Author    Momma's Boy  (currently 7098 views)
Last Fountain
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin

It took me a while for the next instalment of this review. I’m enjoying the script, so my slow progress is not indicative of quality. I think you’ll understand why it took a bit longer when you see the length of these posts.

My review here is full of comments on what worked, what didn’t, a digression or two, and probably a bit too many suggestions. I’m enjoying this thriller on a few levels so I took the time to comment constructively as best I could. I find it’s hard to tell why a reader thinks the way they do when you just get a brief final summary.  So by digging through all this feedback I hope some of it helps you out at least a –bit-.

Dan

THE NEXT 35 PAGES – or WHEN CLAUDE HITS THE FAN…

The stuff with the authorities is pretty brief. So far. Looks like Elijah has an appetite for destruction. The what’s-under-the-bed scene was good. I feel like it could be embellished even more. Like more build-up to the gruesome reveal. I also wonder if you should consider Angela’s reaction a bit more. I think she should react more. Maybe she even thinks it’s the Devil’s work or something. Regardless, I like how you have hinted at the horror thus far, and how you slowly start shifting the focus towards it.

Another hotel room. I wonder if you should spice up these lustful encounters. What if one of them begins to get bored or doubt the relationship. You could introduce this idea with either Luke or Rahab talking about being bored of hotel after hotel. The routine. Maybe one of them wants to do it at one of their houses or maybe even in public.

If they fucked at Luke’s it would definitely crank up the tension. A scene like that is ripe for the audience to participate. Like what if Angela busts them? Or zombie kid? What if Elijah spies on this activity? Something like this would have me yelling at the screen. For me, that’s part of the enjoyment of watching horror flicks - Predictable danger. I mean the imagination easily reels from this sort of scenario. I write this as I read, so this suggestion might be unnecessary if you do in fact explore this route. If so, maybe you could shift that scene earlier on in the script.

By the next page, I see that maybe Rahab is bored of this relationship. I like how you have her confront Luke about how this fling’s expiration date fast approaches. Hmm. It looks like the cops nosing around is the reason, or her excuse. Consider exploring this territory as well. Since you’ve spent a fair amount of time focused on this relationship I take it serious. Maybe realistic emotional conflicts should be addressed - without dominating/over-whelming screen-time. I mean I don’t want a relationship drama, just some touches. This has a chance to be a horror with real emotions like MAMA with Jessica Chastain.

I like that you switch to the hotel’s exterior, and someone watching them. I assume it’s Claude, as I suppose you want me to think. But I’m also entertaining the idea is could be Angela. A prostitute is -conveniently- nearby. I wonder if we should build-up to that, as well. Not a lot. But what if we spend some time with Luke’s pissed reaction. Maybe wondering the street, smoking. Looking for action. Looking for prey. I get the sense Luke will do anything to get his rocks off. This could get even creepier. If it does, I would enjoy some embellishment vs convenience.

I just got that joke with the inspector’s name now. Pretty dry sense of humour: “Yes, Claude is my 1st name”. To make it even more obvious maybe his last name should be the French version: Jean. The sniffing stuff got creep-nasty. I’m thinking of the corpse crotch sniff. Uck. Maybe Luke’s description could simply be modified to “Inspector notices Luke gulp. Suspicious.” And did Luke walk in on that moment of smellery? If so, he could easily excuse his reaction.

I wonder if you should work on the Inspector’s dialogue, or his conversations. Maybe some sort of cop-talk flavour or procedure? Should he question Luke? Or better introduce himself to Luke? Or ask questions about Vera? Or ask about Luke’s whereabouts that night? I think you have to at least touch on what we are thinking as an audience: How will Luke lie about his mistress AND their involvement in Vera’s death? I could really go for a dramatic irony filled confrontation here. So good work invoking this reaction and level of involvement from this reader, it means the set-up was a success. Otherwise, I’d consider avoiding scenes with the Investigator. All of these issues could be addressed after an off-screen visit from the cops.

I wonder if you could avoid the process of the meet and greet with Claude? Maybe the scene begins later on, like just as Claude smells Vera, then Angela returns with tea. Another cut and we are mid-conversation – like half the cup of tea is drank. Then Luke enters. Gulps. Scared. Claude milks the tension, “Just the man I wanted to see”. This begs us to wonder how much the Investigator knows, and keeps Luke on his toes, probably thinking the same damn thing. Just a suggestion to strengthen what I feel was a strong set-up that just happened to dipped a little in momentum. 2nd act shit, right. It’s always a pain in the ass to crack the middle-story stuff. I hope these suggestions might help or inspire other ideas that will benefit to keep this creepy-slow-burn-tension-filled thriller like the 1st act.

I wonder if the transition to night should include an exterior establishing shot. It goes from Angela’s scowl to Angela shivers awake. This segue was jarring. A little thing really. That said, we have another feasting. Nice milking the tension to the reveal here. A gruesome sight with Elijah and the crows. I really liked how you had the crow scratch, fighting back, being eaten alive. This would be a very effective visual on-screen. A lot of options for sound design too - from the build-up to the biting.

I feel like I’m missing a bit more of a reaction out of Angela. Then again, she is freakin nuts, right. I like how she is careful to tell her son he hasn’t done anything wrong. That idea alone freaks me out. But I wonder if she should be conflicted in believing this herself. What if she gasps in horror. Or is afraid or conflicted. What has she done? This isn’t her son, this is a monster. Maybe she fights this realization and says this bit of dialogue for her sake, as much as Elijah’s. She needs to convince herself that SHE hasn’t done wrong. If not now, then I do hope she evolves into this emotional territory at some point during this movie.

I like the small moment when Angela wipes some blood off her son’s face. How motherly, eh. A small embellishment of she licks her finger first then wipes, is even more innocent and motherly. Especially juxtaposed against the brutal horror. The Bible verse was pretty effective. Format-wise I wonder if you should use quotation marks in the dialogue? I’m not sure if that’s standard, but it would clarify things.

Whoah. Okay. I love subtle. I love subtext. I love that which brews under the surface. I love the QUIET moment you have here, where Luke watches Rahab from afar – as she greets our man, Inspector Claude-Jean Damme-Van. Seriously though. It makes me wonder (obviously you’re intent) how much did she tell the Detective. Is she going to save herself and pin it all on Luke? Interesting development. A very well-written quiet scene. Good stuff, Dustin.

...MORE...


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Last Fountain
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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...CONT...

A DIGRESSION: For thrillers to work (or really any genre) there needs to be moments for the actor to react and us to wonder what they think. I would think an actor loves a scene without dialogue, for the challenge, and to demonstrate their skills. Like they can say, this scene was good because of my performance, not the writer’s words. It’s easy to forget, as a writer, to include moments that don’t stroke our ego or show-off dialogue skills. Sometimes a speech isn’t needed, sometimes a look/physical reaction says –way- more. Sometimes we need to create a scene ripe for sound designers, FX folks, designers, cinematographers, musical score, et cetera. Movies aren’t all on the written page right. It’s just one element. I feel like a good script should inspire every department of the production… And, END DIGRESSION…

Good job balancing the internal mystery stuff with the external physically disturbing gore stuff. I think (reflecting upon my digression) you balanced a lot of these elements throughout. So cheers, eh. And remember –that- when you think on some of my suggestions or (possible) negative reactions. I’m enjoying this concept and its delivery, so I’m spending some time (like with the Detective stuff) to try and help every aspect match the quality of others.

Now that you know my thoughts on that quiet scene hopefully you understand where I’m coming from when I say cut out the scene inside Rahab’s. Don’t let us know what Rahab & Inspector Claude talk about. This is Angela’s movie, and through extension, a story of her son & husband. I’m not sure I –need- to spend time with other characters. I feel like, for this story, I just want to spend my time with these 3 main characters. Every scene should have at least 1 of them in it. [This would also mean excising the earlier scene where Claude investigates Vera’s.] To keep us excited, maybe Rahab and Claude can talk outside for a bit, as Luke watches, worried. We never know what they say either, since we’re focused on Luke and his POV. Again, just my humble suggestion.

I hope the evidence I point to justifies my opinion here. And again, I comment on this to strengthen an impressive concept about family. Think of the effect this alteration would have on the viewers. Like even maybe when we watch a scene without the main 3 we tune out, only to then snap back to attention when these characters return. I think this on/off attention aspect would injure momentum. I know, I know, as writers we don’t always like rules but I think if you set –some- rules for this concept it will really work well and help you maintain that hard-earned momentum. Keep this going up and up. Let’s stay with the family through the entire runtime.

ON WITH THE SHOW… Inside Rahab’s. It seems like she is a master manipulator. A real seductive femme fatale. I wonder if Claude will fall for it too. Or if this sort of activity will make him suspicious of Rahab.  It already looks like her called her on that shower lie. That was another good moment. And quick way to let us know how smart this Detective is.

I’m also wondering here, if Luke will barge in. That would be intense. But also add to the Inspector’s suspicions. Hmm. I kinda am expecting Luke to “bury” his secret along with Claude;s body and maybe even Rahab’s too. Wouldn’t that be interesting. Luke is the real monster here. Not the zombified Momma’s Boy of the title.

I liked Rahab’s joke reply about Claude having a boyfriend. If so, her seduction could fail her in this instance. Hmm. So he grabs her leg. Didn’t expect that. I thought she’d have to work more for his attention. Although, I like how you play with my expectations next. Claude knows of the affair (at least?) and he would rather have cash. If you decide to cut this scene, as per my suggestion, Rahab could relay this information to Luke later. I’m assuming he’s going to ask about her meeting with Claude anyways, right.

Back with Elijah. I wonder if you could add a dark joke here, after the bed bugs bite moment. Elijah could reply, “I’ll just bite back.” Back to Luke. I wonder if you could have him barge in and question. Rahab could even be upset that he broke the rule of going to her place. After-all, they could have had their sexcapades here rather than a hotel all along. Or this gives you an excuse to spice up the variety of locations earlier, since Luke is –allowed- to come to her apartment. I’m assuming the hotel is in the bad area of town (prostitute, right). So they meet there b/c it’s close to their drug-dealer or something. Oh, and I like the dramatic irony here. She doesn’t tell him about Claude’s offer / request for money. So maybe she accepted and is playing Luke at this point. Good stuff there.

Angela awakes again. This time it’s not the cold, but a noise. Hmm. I could use more variety there. I like the bedroom scene though. Creepy shit. And it just gets creepier as Momma hunts for pets / baby-food. Elijah’s reaction to the puppy was effectively unsettling. I’m a little confused with the description of Elijah’s appearance returning. I’m taking it metaphorically. However, I’m uncertain if we are seeing her POV and he is visually fine.

If so, I’d play with this device earlier. Like WE have no idea he is a monster until a later reveal, as we see someone else react to Elijah (thus getting a new POV on the entire story as well). Now –that- would be fucking BOLD. It would take quite the revision, but go for it if you like my suggestion there. As you can tell, I really participate upon absorbing a story ( be it in writer form or on the screen). Um, maybe too much. Hehehe. I hope you don’t mind, Dustin. I hope it might actually help. Another take on this idea would be that we see the monster version when Elijah first eats an animal (the crow?).

I like how Angela finally reacts to the horror of her son’s consumption. I like how the tension ratchets up another notch as Luke arrives home. Now she has to make sure HE doesn’t see Elijah or hear him eating. Wow. Tea time again. That makes me wonder, what if Luke drugs Angela again. With her passed out, she can’t hide Elijah. What would Luke do if he sees his son is a zombie? Good suggestive stuff there set-up by earlier developments. RE-ANIMATOR. Yes! Nice homage there. Then the shoe drops. Angela is told she must go back to the mental hospital. No. How can she hide / take care of Elijah. This definitely urges her to action. Maybe now she’ll invite Rahab for lunch with Elijah. Yeah, and Rahab’s the main course.

Looks like an invitation isn’t necessary. Rahab shows up to Angela’s house. It’s about to go down. I’m happy these two finally have a confrontation. There might be a moment to joke about Angela’s over-the-top religiosity. During their fight, Angela invokes God or mentions how God protects her, you know blabbing all religious again, when Rahab knocks her out. It’d be good for Rahab to joke there like, “Where’s God’s protection now? Bitch…” or whatever. Basically, insult Angela’s fanaticism and I think the audience might enjoy it. She is a little extreme, no.  And once Angela attacks Rahab she could return the insult with one of her own, defending God or her Chosen status.

So the attack was good stuff. What really scared me there was the idea of watching a child –try- and bite through a skull. Damn, man. Sick twisted shit. I like it. Skulls are hard, eh. Seriously though. This is where realism makes the situation even more terrifying. Most horror movies wouldn’t address this issue. They keep it surreal. By making this realistic it makes this much more threatening. It makes the action seem actually horrific.

Whereas, most of us are desensitized to the point where a zombie attack is somehow cool to watch or entertaining. [After-all THE WALKING DEAD has tons of viewers and it keeps gaining more. I think this proves how –cool- zombies have got.] What you’ve done her, with that touch of realism, is make this supernatural premise surprisingly serious. Now Momma has to break open the skull, and get even more hands-on with her involvement. In effect, with this murder, she transforms to a monster much like her son has. It even gets a touch worse as she searches for a hammer and Rahab screams awake. Spooky and gruesome shit, handled surprisingly well. I did not expect to feel like that within this concept.

The Claude & Luke stuff was better this time around. More engaging. More attitude. The big shocker there was Claude saying, “I want to join you.” I’m not sure what he means by that. But I can’t wait to find out. Later with Claude & Luke in the hotel, I still hesitate to trust the Inspector’s intent. Maybe this is what it takes to get a confession with Luke – Claude has to offer a false partnership. The gay stuff could be handled better. I suspected such with Rahab’s failed seduction. The earlier question from Luke fell flat or too obvious. I’d prefer if we just get that reveal here. Maybe Claude simply says, “Rahab made an advance on me” …Luke retorts, then Claude adds… “Let’s just say, she’s not my type.” This would be a natural way to tell someone you met that you’re gay, no (?) Then, wow, okay Claude gets pretty hands on there. Unsettling stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, to quote Seinfeld. But it’s creepy if he did that to a woman too. Regardless, this forced sexual stuff was effective.

WTF territory as we find out what goes on at that Bed n Breakfast place. I really did not see that coming. If they pull that shit on Angela they better watch out, cuz her son is her attack dog of sorts. And Elijah likes internal organs too. Onto Elijah and Angela and the bible quotes. Good stuff there. I remember thinking about the cannibalistic nature of communion as a child. It still creeps me out. Good zombie metaphor there.

I’ll end on the take-out dinner stuff… Dang. This Word document is already 13 pages. (A lot of my reviews end up this long… once I’m done, that is… Shameless plug out there if any reader of this wants to swap feature reviews PM me – I have several that aren’t posted on this site.)

Angela finding those brains. Hmm. I hope they have a microwave in their room. I get the dreaded feeling cold brains just won’t cut it. The bed and breakfast was an unexpected turn. I hope you do something good with this new setting. It seems like everyone in this story is a monster in one regard or the other. I like how you show the whole scale of evil.

….END (FOR NOW)…    Overall biggest notes for improvement are:

Focus on Claude’s 1st interrogation of Angela & Luke during the revision process. I feel this was a sore spot in an otherwise effectively built foundation.

Focus on main 3 characters. No scenes without them. We are always with at least 1 of “The Family”.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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I'll tackle this one first as it is the most negative and I'd like to get it out of the way.



Quoted from dead by dawn

the characters were really unlikable. I don't have a problem with that, though. Characters don't have to be likeable, they just have to be fascinating or interesting enough to make me want to hang out with them.


Can't you just read a story without regurgitating all of the shit you read on the web?


Quoted from dead by dawn

I didn't find those qualities in Luke, Rahab, Angela, Elijah, or Claude.  Luke did a lot of coke and cheated on his wife a lot with Rahab, but all their scenes were nothing new to me, and their sex and hotel scenes could have been condensed a bit more, I think.


I disagree.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Angela acted crazy and spouted religious quotes, and I suppose that's what's expected of that type of character in film anymore.


Anymore? Is that the same as saying 'these days'? She reads bible passages to her son, that's not spouting religious quotes. Different thing entirely. Spouting religious quotes suggests she quotes sections of the bible randomly during ordinary conversation. She actually reads passages from the bible (heavily related to resurrection, btw) as night time stories for her son.

I was fascinated to find that the bible has lots of instances of resurrection (aside from Jesus) and I wanted to put a religious take on the zombie theme, while keeping it questionable that it is merely a psychological imagining at the same time. I know it's all been done before in your world, but for me, it's a first.


Quoted from dead by dawn

But if I was writing her, I would try to be different and find a new angle, take a new approach.


LOL.


Quoted from dead by dawn
The character has a very Carrie-feel, and I think someone even mentioned that, but I would do my best to avoid all "[insert movie title]-feel" type of stuff. I cringe when I see someone say that about another's work, or mine.


The character isn't anything like Carrie. I have never seen the film, mind... only read the book. Maybe the film deviated so far from King's original vision that you are correct. Perhaps in the film Carrie is a woman in her thirties with a dead child that may or may not be a zombie. My character doesn't have any telekinetic ability whatsoever and doesn't even touch upon the subject. The only relationship I can fathom is that they are both bullied to a degree. Even that is extremely tentative.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Moving along, Angela's first big scene fell flat with me, when she was racing through the streets with Elijah in the car. I'm assuming I'm supposed to care and be on the edge of my seat?


No. It's a horror. I'm not going for high drama, I'm going for strangeness. I wasn't invested in any of the characters. I expected a wtf moment when she takes him home rather than the hospital but that is all. Your attempts to second guess me could well be your issue here.



Quoted from dead by dawn

And in my opinion, it all leads to a plot that feels really, really out of place compared to what else is going down.


As it is all a part of the plot I don't have any idea what you mean. Perhaps your confusion over the race home and edge of the seat stuff is to blame.


Quoted Text
Speaking of how off the wall crazy and out of her mind Angela is, I started to wonder exactly how Luke and her became a couple in the first place.


Maybe she didn't start out as crazy. I don't feel it is important to the story to bring up how they got together in the first place... but then I'm usually fine with omitting finer detail. I don't know, I'll think about it.


Quoted from dead by dawn
They are so different from each other I never bought into their relationship.  I feel like Luke would have noticed her oddball, nutty behavior and would have ditched her a long time ago.


You'd prefer to understand his motivations so early into the script?


Quoted from dead by dawn
Maybe if you touched on what their life used to be like, happier times before Angela became a religious fanatic, I suppose I would have understood them being together.


I disagree that that is what is necessary here... but like I said, I will think about it. If there is a clever way for me to show it then I will... else it isn't important to the over all plot and certainly isn't something I would like to do through exposition.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Or was he only with her from the jump so he could eventually plot this scheme where he inherited the money?  


No. The plot came later. Maybe he's the one that caused her to go crazy once he found out about the inheritance.



Quoted from dead by dawn
If that's the case, why didn't he do it sooner?  A woman in her 70's could meet an accidental fate just as easily as a woman in her 80's, the age Vera was when they murdered her.  


I'm no real expert in murdering old ladies but I imagine he would probably have wanted to wait around for her to die naturally before jumping right into the scaring her to death thing. I disagree with your logic completely in this regard.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I know I have a lot of questions (and more, but I won't get into it), but that's because I felt the clarity wasn't there.  


Sometimes answers are not immediate and sometimes they require you to use your own imagination. All the best stories do that... unfortunately this will always create problems for those less fortunate in that department.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I also wasn't engaged by the story so that didn't help matters either as my mind would start to wander.


As you didn't have a clue what was going on, by all accounts, I'm really not surprised.




Quoted from dead by dawn

I had read further than I expected. I got half way through the script (p. 45) before I checked out.   After some thought, and another glance over Last Fountain's posts, I decided I would give you a little bit more time, hoping for the best.  I pushed myself another 20 pages.


You're a true soldier for the cause. Pat on the back in order? Or a medal?


Quoted from dead by dawn

I was expecting unique character choices and unpredictable story choices, the type of choices I think a writer needs to risk in order for his script to be different and make it stand out from the pack.


I'd love to see one of your examples. You must be an amazing writer.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I saw a little bit of that in the character of Claude...


Really?


Quoted from dead by dawn

but I thought it threw things off course more than it gelled...


Sigh.


Quoted from dead by dawn

which is OK, because at least you took a risk...


A veritable yo-yo of emotions. I'm on the edge of my seat.


Quoted from dead by dawn

- however, it ultimately failed with me.


Surprise, surprise.  


Quoted from dead by dawn

Everything else just felt like it was been there, done that.


I find this offensive too. First of all you compare Angela to Carrie when they aren't anything alike. Not even in the slightest degree. Now you accuse this script of being unoriginal when I actually tried quite hard to do the opposite.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Another thing that bothered me was that I never felt like anybody needed something right now.


There were plenty of occasions of that. I get the impression that you don't really know what you're talking about.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I'm big on goals,


Football.


Quoted from dead by dawn

stakes,


Vampires.


Quoted from dead by dawn

and urgency,


Toilet trouble.


Quoted from dead by dawn

especially the latter,


Nice.


Quoted from dead by dawn

...it thrusts a script forward and prevents it from being still. I felt there were too many scenes of stillness, if that makes sense.  


You feel there were too many scenes that didn't move the plot forward and/or reveal something necessary about character?

I disagree.


Quoted from dead by dawn
However, while I feel 'Momma's Boy' was too safe and didn't bring anything new to the table, in many ways, I gained a lot from the experience and considered it a beneficial read.  


An underhand compliment. Maybe you consider me not intelligent enough to pick up on it, or perhaps you're not intelligent enough to realise when you're doing it. Either or, it is wasted.


Quoted from dead by dawn
I might have been pretty negative, but don't mind me.


You've been completely negative... and I don't.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I'm not here to tell you how to write your story...


Even if you were, it wouldn't matter to me. I've never read anything of yours aside from this review, and from it I only gather negative things about your ability as a writer. Sharing your work on the site would help add to your credibility. At the moment it's like you're echoing things you've read on the internet without real understanding of what they mean.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I'm just here to tell you how I felt about it.


Believe it or not, I already know what a reviewer is here to do before I read the post.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Good luck with the rewrites - and is the draft currently posted devoid of the infamous hooker beat down?  I don't believe I came across it. haha


You claimed that you didn't read it all. If you just wanted to skip ahead to the hooker beat down part (although I can assure you it isn't as graphic as you'd probably prefer) then just ask and I will direct you to the page where it starts.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Last Fountain

It took me a while for the next instalment of this review. I’m enjoying the script, so my slow progress is not indicative of quality. I think you’ll understand why it took a bit longer when you see the length of these posts.


No problem. I'm actually a little intimidated by this review. Not because of negativity but just down to length. You must have taken quite a while to get all this down, so in the very least I'll tackle each question and let you know where I agree and where I don't.


Quoted from Last Fountain

The stuff with the authorities is pretty brief. So far. Looks like Elijah has an appetite for destruction. The what’s-under-the-bed scene was good. I feel like it could be embellished even more. Like more build-up to the gruesome reveal. I also wonder if you should consider Angela’s reaction a bit more. I think she should react more. Maybe she even thinks it’s the Devil’s work or something. Regardless, I like how you have hinted at the horror thus far, and how you slowly start shifting the focus towards it.


It doesn't have to be the devil, that's the whole point. It is God's work. Not the Devil's. She prays for resurrection so isn't surprised when it happens.


Quoted from Last Fountain

Another hotel room. I wonder if you should spice up these lustful encounters.


Agreed. I wrote this to stay within micro budget, but I understand that locales should be mixed up a little to keep the viewers interested.


Quoted from Last Fountain

If they fucked at Luke’s it would definitely crank up the tension.


Be difficult to pull off as Angela is usually in.


Quoted from Last Fountain

By the next page, I see that maybe Rahab is bored of this relationship. I like how you have her confront Luke about how this fling’s expiration date fast approaches. Hmm. It looks like the cops nosing around is the reason, or her excuse. Consider exploring this territory as well. Since you’ve spent a fair amount of time focused on this relationship I take it serious. Maybe realistic emotional conflicts should be addressed - without dominating/over-whelming screen-time. I mean I don’t want a relationship drama, just some touches. This has a chance to be a horror with real emotions like MAMA with Jessica Chastain.


Yeah, I'll look into that.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I like that you switch to the hotel’s exterior, and someone watching them. I assume it’s Claude, as I suppose you want me to think. But I’m also entertaining the idea is could be Angela. A prostitute is -conveniently- nearby. I wonder if we should build-up to that, as well. Not a lot. But what if we spend some time with Luke’s pissed reaction. Maybe wondering the street, smoking. Looking for action. Looking for prey. I get the sense Luke will do anything to get his rocks off. This could get even creepier. If it does, I would enjoy some embellishment vs convenience.


I'll look into all the conveniences. Prostitutes do generally hang around or near hotels though. He shouldn't have to look further than the lobby in some cases. Obviously though with smaller hotels, they generally hang not too far away. Depends on the type of prostitute.


Quoted from Last Fountain

I just got that joke with the inspector’s name now. Pretty dry sense of humour: “Yes, Claude is my 1st name”. To make it even more obvious maybe his last name should be the French version: Jean.


I like the clash of the English and French in this case. I find little things like that funny. Probably different in Canada, having the French as your neighbours.


Quoted from Last Fountain

The sniffing stuff got creep-nasty. I’m thinking of the corpse crotch sniff. Uck. Maybe Luke’s description could simply be modified to “Inspector notices Luke gulp. Suspicious.” And did Luke walk in on that moment of smellery? If so, he could easily excuse his reaction.


Yeah I'll check into that. I very much wanted to make this an other worldly piece. The characters could only really exist inside this film, likewise so could the place. I didn't really imagine it to be part of this world. More like a parallel universe. 1960s people thrown into the 21st Century. That's how I pictured this film playing out in my mind as I wrote it. I really enjoyed it, aside from the B and B which moves into a slightly different tone, I feel. It isn't bad, it just doesn't gel.


Quoted from Last Fountain

I wonder if you should work on the Inspector’s dialogue, or his conversations. Maybe some sort of cop-talk flavour or procedure? Should he question Luke? Or better introduce himself to Luke? Or ask questions about Vera? Or ask about Luke’s whereabouts that night? I think you have to at least touch on what we are thinking as an audience: How will Luke lie about his mistress AND their involvement in Vera’s death? I could really go for a dramatic irony filled confrontation here. So good work invoking this reaction and level of involvement from this reader, it means the set-up was a success. Otherwise, I’d consider avoiding scenes with the Investigator. All of these issues could be addressed after an off-screen visit from the cops.


I may go for the better intro'. Otherwise at the moment it isn't a murder investigation. Although there would be a police presence, until a murder is confirmed there wouldn't be any real interrogative-type questioning. Luke doesn't need to lie about anything at this point as nothing has happened. Thinking about it, I suppose I went more Columbo than TJ Hooker.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I wonder if you could avoid the process of the meet and greet with Claude? Maybe the scene begins later on, like just as Claude smells Vera, then Angela returns with tea. Another cut and we are mid-conversation – like half the cup of tea is drank. Then Luke enters. Gulps. Scared. Claude milks the tension, “Just the man I wanted to see”. This begs us to wonder how much the Investigator knows, and keeps Luke on his toes, probably thinking the same damn thing. Just a suggestion to strengthen what I feel was a strong set-up that just happened to dipped a little in momentum. 2nd act shit, right. It’s always a pain in the ass to crack the middle-story stuff. I hope these suggestions might help or inspire other ideas that will benefit to keep this creepy-slow-burn-tension-filled thriller like the 1st act.


I'll look into that. I know what you mean about the second act..... it can be a lot of fun, but also a headache to keep the right tone throughout.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I wonder if the transition to night should include an exterior establishing shot. It goes from Angela’s scowl to Angela shivers awake. This segue was jarring. A little thing really.


I'll have to look into that, that is a weird transition.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I feel like I’m missing a bit more of a reaction out of Angela. Then again, she is freakin nuts, right. I like how she is careful to tell her son he hasn’t done anything wrong. That idea alone freaks me out. But I wonder if she should be conflicted in believing this herself. What if she gasps in horror. Or is afraid or conflicted. What has she done?


That could be good. A slight shift in her mental outlook, even for a second. That's good.


Quoted from Last Fountain
This isn’t her son, this is a monster.


I have to be careful. I'm not sure I'd like her questioning this specifically, as for me the whole story rests on the viewer being unsure whether she is imagining it all, or whether her son is actually a zombie. Questioning her own actions is fine. I feel questioning the integrity of her son is a step too far for her character. She would never question it. Else, this opens a side to her character I would have to explore further.


Quoted from Last Fountain
Maybe she fights this realization and says this bit of dialogue for her sake, as much as Elijah’s. She needs to convince herself that SHE hasn’t done wrong. If not now, then I do hope she evolves into this emotional territory at some point during this movie.


She's religious. It's called faith. She doesn't need to convince herself of anything. She believes it is right because God has resurrected her son. How could it be wrong?


Quoted from Last Fountain
Format-wise I wonder if you should use quotation marks in the dialogue? I’m not sure if that’s standard, but it would clarify things.


Not sure. I mentioned she is reading from the bible in the action then had her read them. So long as it is clear I think I'm good. I haven't had anyone not get it yet.


Thanks for all your thoughts so far mate. I hope I've answered your questions.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Finished a rewrite on this script a week or so ago. Completely wrote out the Bed and Breakfast, got rid of the rent boy too. Now it's isolated to just the five characters including the zombie child. I must have deleted close to half the script and had to find more story between the characters that are already there to make up for it.

4 indoor locations; 2 houses, a flat and a hotel room. 1 outdoor location (a brief cemetery scene). 5 actors. 2 main, three supports. Very contained. The reports back from a few producers I've spoken to regarding this are great so far.
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Anon
Posted: April 21st, 2015, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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I've read the first 10 - and I will read it all. It's engaged me and I want to know what happens - and that's all a reader can ask for really.

But I do have a couple of comments. Now when people reach a certain quality of writing - as you have - many things are subjective. So take or leave what I say but I hope it makes sense.

I found this line on page 1 a little unclear -

She places a hand against her head, showing where it hurts.

Unless she has a very focussed bit of head pain or a particular wound she's pointing out - perhaps just -

She clutches her head in pain

or -

She touches her head and winces.

This piece of dialogue page 2 -

ANGELA
If you loved us, you�d be definite.


stood out for me. The rest of it flows so naturally, it made me pause. May be more natural to say -

ANGELA
If you love us, you'll be here.


You may have avoided saying that, as LUKE says 'here' just before that. And that brings another point to mind. Like most quality writers - you do a great job of changing things up for the reader. You don't repeat words, keep things fresh. But I think that it's possible that in you search for quality - you OCCASIONALLY sacrifice clarity.

For instance these two segments -

Angela discards his voice with a shake of the head and
places her hands on Elijah�s shoulders - expecting bravery.

She turns just in time as he bends to kiss her, resentfully
forced to hit her cold cheek.


You're saying both things in interesting ways - but they could be clearer. For instance, discarding a voice. A shake of the head is perhaps dismissive, rather than discarding. And if she is expecting him to be brave, rather than encouraging him to be, that could be spelt out too. Like -

Angela dismisses Luke's call with a shake of her head and grabs Elijah's shoulders firmly. She needs him to be brave.

Now it could be I've misunderstood her intent there. When she grabs his shoulders my natural instinct is that a parent would be trying to instil bravery. But you say expecting - so I guess she demands it? Anyway - I'm going to far into this one. I think it could be a little clearer is all.

Same with the second example I pasted. 'Resentfully forced' sounds weird and in this case - the actions would say it all. For example -

He bends to kiss her and she turns, presenting her cold cheek.

That's a couple of subjective points, but there is a lot to like about this so far. There isn't any point in me listing all the good bits, but for some reason I especially liked this bit of dialogue -


ANGELA
Sometimes people can get broken but
if God wants to he can always fix
them. Just like he fixed Jesus.


It tells us so much about the character and her relationship with the boy I think.

Cheers,
Alex
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Anon
Posted: April 21st, 2015, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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PS your reply to Dead by Dawn was f'ing funny.
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Anon
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Finished it. Enjoyed it although it's not usually my thing. I did think the deaths could've been changed up a bit. They all come to the house like lambs to the slaughter and when it's happened once - you know what's coming. But hey - anticipation is part of horror.

Noticed a few mistakes.

P.12
before missing the e

p.16
'th esette' should be 'the settee'

P.21
Luke 'getsa' out of bed

P.22
Need to capitalise - 'we'll both be too old'

P.30
'Seems a bit of much' - don't need the 'of'
and in Luke's dialogue - he say's 'Amgela'

P.32
need a space between - 'Afterswitching'


Couple of other things like -

P.14
'and the queue somewhat shrink' - the word somewhat is redundant and the whole phrase is probably redundant. If a guy leaves the queue - we all know it's going to shrink.

And, although it's possible someone could speak like this, I had to read this bit of dialogue on P.38 several times -

CLAUDE          
That is exactly what it is my job
to determine, sir. May I call you          
Luke?

Good luck with it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Anon
Finished it. Enjoyed it although it's not usually my thing. I did think the deaths could've been changed up a bit. They all come to the house like lambs to the slaughter and when it's happened once - you know what's coming. But hey - anticipation is part of horror.

Noticed a few mistakes.

P.12
before missing the e

p.16
'th esette' should be 'the settee'

P.21
Luke 'getsa' out of bed

P.22
Need to capitalise - 'we'll both be too old'

P.30
'Seems a bit of much' - don't need the 'of'
and in Luke's dialogue - he say's 'Amgela'

P.32
need a space between - 'Afterswitching'


Couple of other things like -

P.14
'and the queue somewhat shrink' - the word somewhat is redundant and the whole phrase is probably redundant. If a guy leaves the queue - we all know it's going to shrink.

And, although it's possible someone could speak like this, I had to read this bit of dialogue on P.38 several times -

CLAUDE          
That is exactly what it is my job
to determine, sir. May I call you          
Luke?

Good luck with it.


Thanks mate. It needs another rewrite after the overhaul it's just had and I appreciate the spotting of the typos. I'm sure this concept is a seller... it's just finding the right home for it.

Thanks again. I know I still have to check out your work. I'm getting to it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 27th, 2015, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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Another rewrite on this to make it better. It's gone from 82 pages to 89 and everything runs a lot better. I think just one more draft should see this one done.

I'm considering entering it into the Screencraft competition. Not sure if I want to throw away 30 quid on another comp but I like that the Screencraft comp is specifically for horror. I don't think this script would stand much of a chance in an ordinary comp.. but I'm wavering on the Screencraft one.
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