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  Author    Momma's Boy  (currently 7103 views)
Don
Posted: October 17th, 2014, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Momma's Boy by Dustin Bowcott - Horror - A devout Christian fights to prevent being sectioned under the mental health act and separated from her resurrected son. 85 pages - pdf, format


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bert  -  October 22nd, 2014, 6:37am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 18th, 2014, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for listing this, mate.

As usual, I wrote the logline on the fly. Completely forgetting all about needing one until it came time to upload it. I've given it some more thought and I think this one is a little better:

A devout Christian fights to prevent being sectioned under the mental health act and separated from her resurrected son.
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the goose
Posted: October 18th, 2014, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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- Spoilers in -

I had a bit of a read of this just now, definitely very British - almost seemed like something that would be serialised and maybe shown as a couple of episodes.

As for the logline I preferred the first one, but that's just my two cents...

I got the idea of Angela's character - the crazy Christian who is somewhat kept at bay by the drugs Luke makes her take, and I think she made for a very engaging character although, ultimately, not one that I felt myself rooting for.

I was a little confused as to how the child got reanimated, or perhaps it'll turn to just be 'in her head' - as I got through about 30 pages or so I hadn't found out just yet.

There are a few spelling mistakes and errors here, but nothing a proof-read wouldn't pick out. A few 'unfilmables' as well, but these aren't things that I personally have an issue with.

I got about as far as the little dog being eaten and, as much as I like horror, decided that my Saturday afternoon may not benefit any further from reading about dogs getting eaten - but hey, I have a standing order with the Dog's Trust so I guess we all have our weaknesses.

But from what I read it was good, maybe a little more on the drama side of horror than what I'd normally like but it would be neatly tied down for someone to pick up as a low-budget piece.

I always look for a favourite character when watching a film/reading a script - and I couldn't find one from here so far. Maybe Claude John could develop into being that, I'm not sure.


"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 18th, 2014, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from the goose


I had a bit of a read of this just now, definitely very British - almost seemed like something that would be serialised and maybe shown as a couple of episodes.

As for the logline I preferred the first one, but that's just my two cents...


I don't like either of them. Yes it has been written for a British audience.


Quoted from the goose

I got the idea of Angela's character - the crazy Christian who is somewhat kept at bay by the drugs Luke makes her take, and I think she made for a very engaging character although, ultimately, not one that I felt myself rooting for.


I'm not a writer that believes a character needs to be 'rooted for', they simply need to be engaging. So I have achieved what I set out to do.


Quoted from the goose

I was a little confused as to how the child got reanimated, or perhaps it'll turn to just be 'in her head' - as I got through about 30 pages or so I hadn't found out just yet.


Did you read the part where she prayed?


Quoted from the goose

I got about as far as the little dog being eaten and, as much as I like horror, decided that my Saturday afternoon may not benefit any further from reading about dogs getting eaten - but hey, I have a standing order with the Dog's Trust so I guess we all have our weaknesses.


I love animals too, yet I eat meat and this is a work of fiction. I assure you, no animals were harmed in the writing of this screenplay.


Quoted from the goose

But from what I read it was good, maybe a little more on the drama side of horror than what I'd normally like but it would be neatly tied down for someone to pick up as a low-budget piece.


The horror ramps up just after the part you bottled out. The drama is there, and I know this is a little out there for a horror, because of something called plot.


Quoted from the goose
I always look for a favourite character when watching a film/reading a script - and I couldn't find one from here so far. Maybe Claude John could develop into being that, I'm not sure.


Favourite character seems very ambiguous to me. A character would be a favourite just by the process of elimination, so I must take from that that you feel all of the characters are the same and therefore as equally engaging. Thanks for the compliment.

You're wrong about Claude John by the way. I doubt he'd be a favourite either, but you never know. There are a few twists and turns in this story.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2014, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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:)

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I've been meaning to read this and give my thoughts. Just a lot of stuff getting in the way right now.

I assure you though, it will be read!


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 20th, 2014, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks mate. I'm sure this script will be up your street. Any time you need a read on a feature let me know.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2014, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm loving the feeling from the start. Something not right with Angela and the weird religious-ness to the house. Nice creepy feel. Not to mention the something going on between Luke and Rahab..

Just on page 4... Oh, they're CRAZY religious!

"Angela notes with disapproval that another button is undone
on Rahab’s blouse."
Got a laugh out of that.

Up to page 8 and so far, I really don't know what's up with Angela. She's super religious and very possessive of her child but obviously there's something else and it really is building up nicely.

Page 9... Definitely should have seen that coming, Rahab and Luke that is, but I didn't.

"LUKE
You thank God for an orgasm?
ANGELA
I thank God for yours."
Again, gave me a chuckle.

Pg.19 and 20 you have 2 separate slugs, one with MANSION and one with MOTHER-IN-LAW'S HOUSE but they are the same place I think. Should they not be written as one and stay that way?

Pg.24.. "LUKE
Seems a bit of much."
Should be "seems a bit much"?

Pg. 25.. Wow, Luke is such a prick. Really dislike the guy. Good character writing though. Asshole.

Pg.27.. And by god, does he like having sex!! ha

Pg.28.. And coke!!

I'm just on page 30 and Claude has just entered Momma's house. I'm gonna stop here for tonight, but I'll read more tomorrow.

Really interesting story and easy to read. It has a good eerie feel to it and I could definitely see myself watching this one (better than most of the crap they call horror these days that makes it onto the screen)

Also, at the beginning, I just couldn't get into Angela and I liked Luke. Now, at page 30, I despise that prick and am rooting for Angela. Really good characters.

I'm not sure where this one is heading. And that's a good thing. Like what's up with Luke and Rahab killing Vera? and what's going on with the white powder? and the light shining on Angela from the sky? All really intriguing stuff.

I'll read more tomorrow and follow this up. I look forward to it,

Glenn.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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Cheers mate. The MANSION thing is a mistake, although she is supposed to be quite well off.

As far as everything that is going on, I really wanted to bring plot into the horror. Rather than just having people running around getting sliced up.

I love Hitchcock and the Hammer horror films so I'm pulling from those in terms of pacing etc, and the horror does ramp up later on.
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DS
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Took a quick look, looks interesting. I'll get to this in a few days, bit pre-occupied at the moment and I need to get started on the OWC as well.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks mate, if you need the favour returned just let me know. You should be prepared though as this script will have a very British feel.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 21st, 2014, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well, just finished reading this. Very enjoyable. You weren't lying when you said this would be up my street. I must be a sick freak! Ha.

I said, in my last post, that I wasn't sure where this was going. One thing's for sure, I didn't think it was going where it went. The last 30 or so pages were so unbelievably crazy. At times I couldn't believe what I was reading. Which is a good thing by the way.

Claude and Luke together was mental. The creepy B&B with the shady business on the side was mental. And Angela and Elijah were mental. All beautifully dark storylines with a dash of cool. Great writing.

Also, I loved the ending. She really will do anything for this kid and God (who are probably the same person here). Could even get a sequel going?

One thing I didn't quite get. Not a criticism but I'd like to know. What is up with Luke towards the end with the prostitute? And did he just let her go?

Overall, it was brilliant. Great characters and great story. So easy to read. I'd love to see this on the screen.

Oh, and as for this being very British, I didn't think it was. I don't know if it's because I'm Irish and have watched British productions all my life but I don't see this as being over the top British. It'd be easy to read no matter where you're from.

Anyway, best of luck with this and I genuinely mean that.

Glenn


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 22nd, 2014, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Glad you enjoyed it and found it different. That was my aim. I'm pitching this as an old meets new horror.

It does need another going over and things clarified. I'm writing a couple of other things (the OWC and an Xmas feature) before going back to this. I'd like to make this myself, but as you say some things will need to be clarified first. Although I may try and sell it. I can't make everything. I'm holding back all my low budget scripts at the moment.

I was a little worried about the B&B thing as I felt the tone may have changed too much.

With Luke and the prostitute he does kill her, but I'm not sure if this is too much. I just had to make him deserving of death. It's that rulebook thing, the people that she kills in the very least have to be deserving of death. That way it's easier to stick with the main character and maybe even sympathise to some degree, despite her being deranged.

Thanks for the kind words mate. I can't wait to get stuck back into this and clean it up.
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DS
Posted: October 23rd, 2014, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Pulled a bit of a late nighter and finished this.


Quoted from Dustin
You should be prepared though as this script will have a very British feel.


Not a problem, I'd say I have a fair enough knowledge of British English. Anything I don't grasp, I can google. I do recall a thread where I brought out that "don't go, soft lad" was a typo of "don't go soft, lad". Seemed so certain I didn't bother to look it up. I think the entire post was rather shoddy. I recall you posting a reply about "Americans not getting it" and especially bringing that one out. English is actually my second language and I've never resided in an English speaking country so I'm unsure whether a heavily British or a heavily American feel script would be more challenging to me. Would be quite curious to know what you meant with the comment.

Anyways on to my thoughts:

The logline indicates that Angela fights against being sectioned in the script, it's too small of a theme in the script for the logline. I saw you hinted that you were displeased with it above yourself. Here's something I thought of - perhaps it'll be of some use to you:


Quoted Text
A mentally unstable devout Christian struggles with social services and the repercussions of his son being resurrected while interested parties pry over her family's wealth.


There are a lot of unanswered questions regarding Claude John:

He's going through the crime scene at the middle of the night, alone. From his actions it looks like as if it's his first time at the crime scene. Shortly at the same night he's in front of the motel Luke & Rahab are at. We don't know when or how he got involved with the case or how he's so hot on Rahab & Luke's trail or how he actually found out about the murder. It's never mentioned at any part of the script. Far too convinient.

P30: The scene where Vera's body is for some reason in the middle of the living room feels like a suspension of disbelief. It would decay. Would the body be handed over to anything/anyone that wasnt a funeral parlor? Not sure. It does carry importance in Claude John's scenes so why not have him first appear at the mortuary and perhaps be forced to come around the house later due to Angela's unwillingness to answer questions at the time?

P33: Why did Claude John come over? He already knew about Luke & Rahab (at least the relationship at this point, it's not specified). He didn't say anything that wasn't an answer to a question. The only proper thing that could possibly be case-related was an answer to Luke's questions. Even if he just came to flash his credentials and ego it seems underdeveloped. He should at least be talking about what is now an answer to Luke's question on his own accord.

P43: Maybe I'm daft, but I'm missing what exactly Rahab wants to take pictures of? Is she going to generate the bruises? I don't see what she'd know considering Luke hasn't even seen the kid and she wouldn't have a clue of Angela packing up. The conversation isn't much of a hint. Why she's going in there the middle of the night is beyond me.

P50: Why are they going inside the hotel room to continue the chat? Doesn't make much sense. You could do all the necessary bit outside and end with them going in the hotel room after Claude John's threatened him and forced him to have sex.

P63: Claude puts a hammer in the evidence bag before the forensics get there while being oblivious to ever being there afterwards. Don't think he should be tampering with the crime scene. It would also give Claude a smarter impression if he had Luke call the police.

P65: For a script that does well to avoid cliche characters, the cliche one-note antagonist with the traditional "comedically bad english" doesn't work well imo.

P69: Feels like a stretch that Angela would still be there after seeing collected brains. I know you're going for the unique angle of the brain here, but wouldn't it be better if she instead took human kidneys for pig kidneys or something? If I recall correctly the kid could eat flesh/other organs?

P71: I feel as Luke's character which was very well fleshed out to this point and the enjoyability of the script took a beating with this scene and I think I wouldn't be the only one to think so. He worked well as what he was earlier in the script, he may have not been down right evil, but the transformation to a manical torturer is just OTT. It takes away most of his previous character traits. There's enough ruthless manical characters already.

P73: The rape seems OTT too, especially with the masturbation. Doesn't seem like much more than a shock effect, right between the violent prostitute scene too. Probably risks the integrity of the script towards a violent porn exploitation. I'd stick to Deepak just trying to stop her from going down there, perhaps having to end up attempting to kill her.

P74: Why did the Chinese come all guns blazing during the night? Makes no sense. Chan still needed the kid's brain and promised to come tomorrow. He would only be ruining his own business.

P81: How does Angela know Claude John was working with Luke?

P82: How Luke reveals his plans like that is really abrupt. He shouldn't even be clear Angela knows anything.

Overall: Good unique premise, I feel like you captured the atmosphere well, plenty of rather disturbing out there moments in the script.

Angela, Claude John, Luke, Rahab, Elijah and Danny were all characters I thought you did a good job with. Luke was great up until to the prostitute torturing scene. Angela was the most interesting and the dialogue between him and Luke had some of the best stand-out moments. Nice touch with Rahab's name. Good intervining transition from one storyline to the other with Danny.

I also quite liked Maureen. Deepak and Chan were weak and one-note as characters. Important story-wise, but poor as characters. However, I didn't feel like Deepak needed to be much more than a character for moving the plot along, what I didn't like was the rape and his action hero-like quiet walk towards Claude John.

Pages 71+ felt rushed.

Hope my thoughts were of some help to you. Good luck with future drafts, Dustin.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2014, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DS
Pulled a bit of a late nighter and finished this.


Cheers mate, I think that may be the reason you missed one or two things.



Quoted from DS

Not a problem, I'd say I have a fair enough knowledge of British English. Anything I don't grasp, I can google. I do recall a thread where I brought out that "don't go, soft lad" was a typo of "don't go soft, lad". Seemed so certain I didn't bother to look it up. I think the entire post was rather shoddy. I recall you posting a reply about "Americans not getting it" and especially bringing that one out. English is actually my second language and I've never resided in an English speaking country so I'm unsure whether a heavily British or a heavily American feel script would be more challenging to me. Would be quite curious to know what you meant with the comment.


I can't believe English is your second language. That's insane. You're really good. I tried learning French once but lost interest.

I couldn't actually write a full on US drama. No matter how good it was it would need to be edited as I'd be bound to have some Britishisms in there. I can get away with the odd feature... but if I really had to get involved with the lives of the characters, I think I'd fail to a certain degree and an editor would be needed. I don't know any US soaps... but I couldn't write an episode of Friends, aside from throwing up really, really badly, I'm just not up on US popular culture. I could hit in broad strokes but I'd miss the finer details. Same as if an American tried to write an episode of Eastenders... actually, I'd probably watch that episode.


Quoted from DS

The logline indicates that Angela fights against being sectioned in the script, it's too small of a theme in the script for the logline. I saw you hinted that you were displeased with it above yourself. Here's something I thought of - perhaps it'll be of some use to you:


Yeah it's OK, there would be two 'her' in it, which I hate. I hate repeating words in a single sentence. If I can help it. IT's definitely something that needs work. It does need more... but I think simply mentioning resurrected son in the log is enough of a theme, as that is what the script centres around.


Quoted from DS

He's going through the crime scene at the middle of the night, alone. From his actions it looks like as if it's his first time at the crime scene. Shortly at the same night he's in front of the motel Luke & Rahab are at. We don't know when or how he got involved with the case or how he's so hot on Rahab & Luke's trail or how he actually found out about the murder. It's never mentioned at any part of the script. Far too convinient.


I don't believe it is convenient. He's a murder detective, Luke is Angela's husband. I honestly don't feel this story needs to delve into that area, we don't need to see how he finds out as this isn't a detective story. It's not about him or his motivations. I believe he just being a detective is enough.... detectives investigate. I don't feel it is necessary to fully show that.


Quoted from DS
P30: The scene where Vera's body is for some reason in the middle of the living room feels like a suspension of disbelief. It would decay. Would the body be handed over to anything/anyone that wasnt a funeral parlor? Not sure. It does carry importance in Claude John's scenes so why not have him first appear at the mortuary and perhaps be forced to come around the house later due to Angela's unwillingness to answer questions at the time?


There was definitely a mortuary scene... Angela prays over her mother's body while Luke goes outside for a smoke. The body in the living room is fully embalmed... we don't need to see that either.


Quoted from DS

P33: Why did Claude John come over? He already knew about Luke & Rahab (at least the relationship at this point, it's not specified). He didn't say anything that wasn't an answer to a question. The only proper thing that could possibly be case-related was an answer to Luke's questions. Even if he just came to flash his credentials and ego it seems underdeveloped. He should at least be talking about what is now an answer to Luke's question on his own accord.


He's a detective... and it isn't exactly a murder. She died of a heart attack. He can't prove anyone actually hurt her, so it's not actually a murder investigation, it's a cop checking out the couple that have just lost a family member. He's suspicious but he can't ask questions about a murder investigation when there isn't a murder. He came round to check them out, make them aware of his presence, unnerve them... which he did. It worked. Luke was very unnerved. The exchange was deliberate.


Quoted from DS
P43: Maybe I'm daft, but I'm missing what exactly Rahab wants to take pictures of? Is she going to generate the bruises? I don't see what she'd know considering Luke hasn't even seen the kid and she wouldn't have a clue of Angela packing up. The conversation isn't much of a hint. Why she's going in there the middle of the night is beyond me.


Rahab is trying to have Angela sectioned to a mental health institute. To do that she needs evidence that Angela isn't taking care of herself and her son properly, that could be bruising, or the house being a mess, etc, etc. I thought it was pretty clear from the context, but I'll look into it again to make sure.


Quoted from DS

P50: Why are they going inside the hotel room to continue the chat? Doesn't make much sense. You could do all the necessary bit outside and end with them going in the hotel room after Claude John's threatened him and forced him to have sex.


That's what people do when they want to talk privately. Obviously he saying let's talk in the hotel room means they're going to talk about something private. They can't talk about that sort of thing on the street. Maybe, they do wherever you come from... but here, when we have private things to say to each other we find a private place to do it.

You honestly expect Claude to reveal all of his motivations out on the street, then blackmail him and then they go into the hotel room?



Quoted from DS
P63: Claude puts a hammer in the evidence bag before the forensics get there while being oblivious to ever being there afterwards. Don't think he should be tampering with the crime scene. It would also give Claude a smarter impression if he had Luke call the police.


Claude would have every reason to be at the house... but I think you're right on both counts here. Thank you. This is something I can improve.


Quoted from DS
P65: For a script that does well to avoid cliche characters, the cliche one-note antagonist with the traditional "comedically bad english" doesn't work well imo.[/qiote]

Yeah, I'll take this one on the chin too. Reading it back now, I see what you mean. But if I was filming it, that's how the actor would speak. He's Chinese... they do speak with bad engrish. I could have gone further.

[quote=MarkoMalling]P69: Feels like a stretch that Angela would still be there after seeing collected brains. I know you're going for the unique angle of the brain here, but wouldn't it be better if she instead took human kidneys for pig kidneys or something? If I recall correctly the kid could eat flesh/other organs?


No, he's a zombie, he's only ever ate brain throughout. I'll have to double check now but that's how I wanted the story to work, the character would only eat brain. Maybe I slipped up somewhere and forgot how I wanted this story to go... but I'm pretty sure I only ever wanted the kid to eat brain and that's all he's ever eaten... aside from when he was alive.


Quoted from DS
P71: I feel as Luke's character which was very well fleshed out to this point and the enjoyability of the script took a beating with this scene and I think I wouldn't be the only one to think so. He worked well as what he was earlier in the script, he may have not been down right evil, but the transformation to a manical torturer is just OTT. It takes away most of his previous character traits. There's enough ruthless manical characters already.


I agree.


Quoted from DS
P73: The rape seems OTT too, especially with the masturbation. Doesn't seem like much more than a shock effect, right between the violent prostitute scene too. Probably risks the integrity of the script towards a violent porn exploitation. I'd stick to Deepak just trying to stop her from going down there, perhaps having to end up attempting to kill her.


I'm not sure about the whole B and B thing altogether... but within the grand scheme of things, if it is to be kept within the plot then I think the scene you're talking about is in keeping with the integrity of the script.


Quoted from DS
P74: Why did the Chinese come all guns blazing during the night? Makes no sense. Chan still needed the kid's brain and promised to come tomorrow. He would only be ruining his own business.


He sells body parts, kills a load of people, he gets all the parts. It's all money. I'm pretty sure you must see the logic in a body parts salesman wanting to kill a load of people?


Quoted from DS
P81: How does Angela know Claude John was working with Luke?


She's an intelligent woman.


Quoted from DS
P82: How Luke reveals his plans like that is really abrupt. He shouldn't even be clear Angela knows anything.


I don't know what you mean. This is the end of the film. As far as he is concerned, it's over, she is going to jail or a mental institute... he will gain control of the mother-in-law's inheritance.


Quoted from DS

Overall: Good unique premise, I feel like you captured the atmosphere well, plenty of rather disturbing out there moments in the script.


Thanks. Unique was what I was aiming for. I did a lot of research into horror films before I started writing.


Quoted from DS
Angela, Claude John, Luke, Rahab, Elijah and Danny were all characters I thought you did a good job with. Luke was great up until to the prostitute torturing scene. Angela was the most interesting and the dialogue between him and Luke had some of the best stand-out moments. Nice touch with Rahab's name. Good intervining transition from one storyline to the other with Danny.


I agree. I feel I went too far with his character too. As I said earlier, I did it to make him deserving of death, but the fact that he's a total c*** is enough.


Quoted from DS
I also quite liked Maureen. Deepak and Chan were weak and one-note as characters. Important story-wise, but poor as characters. However, I didn't feel like Deepak needed to be much more than a character for moving the plot along, what I didn't like was the rape and his action hero-like quiet walk towards Claude John.


I'll look into that. As I may kill all of those characters altogether, or intro them in a different way. I may try and keep most of the story at the house. I feel the tone of the story is messed with too much with the inclusion of the B and B.


Quoted from DS
Pages 71+ felt rushed.


I was kinda rushing towards the end, so I'll have to have a look at that. It could be because as I was writing, I really wasn't happy with the B and B.


Quoted from DS
Hope my thoughts were of some help to you. Good luck with future drafts, Dustin.



I feel you hit all the weak points of the story, including one or two I hadn't considered but there're also bits I don't agree with from a storytelling point of view. A great review all in all and it will definitely help when it comes to the rewrite.

Thanks a lot. If you need a return read just point me to the script.
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ChristinaW
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Very scary! I love it that all the characters are despicable in different ways. Just when one gains my sympathy, they turn around and behave horribly. I think that's fantastic. Not the usual hum-drum, predictable dribble I'd been reading lately (-not anything from this site-).
I didn't quite understand why Luke kills the prostitute, but I was reading quickly and may have missed something.
All in all, it was a really fun read & I'm looking forward to seeing more of your stuff.
Sorry this comment is so brief--if I had more time, I'd go into more detail. -Just wanted to say how much I liked it.

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Quoted from ChristinaW
Very scary! I love it that all the characters are despicable in different ways. Just when one gains my sympathy, they turn around and behave horribly. I think that's fantastic. Not the usual hum-drum, predictable crap I'd been reading lately.
I didn't quite understand why Luke kills the prostitute, but I was reading quickly and may have missed something.
All in all, it was a really fun read & I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.


Thank you very much. The part where he kills the prostitute will be taken out. I agree that it is too great a shift in his character. It almost ruins the story. Certainly something I'm going to figure out.

Glad you found it different. I try to write things I'd like to see on screen and I hate most films, so it has to be different to interest me.
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Last Fountain
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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I had some time to read and review a bit of this earlier today. I'm enjoying this slow bleed thriller with complex characters. I'll try and post again tomorrow. I hope these long notes aren't too long. Let me know for next installments if it's too much. No worries...

THE EVIL WITHIN, THE GOOD WITHOUT --- THE FIRST 25 PAGES

A quiet beginning spent setting up characters. Refreshing. A lot of horror today starts with that opening stinger, right. I’m not going to comment on formatting/grammar/spelling stuff. From what I’ve gathered around the SS boards you like to pump out a 1st draft real quick. Me too. So I’m thinking you’ll take another pass soon enough to fix up those issues or whatever. IE: extra commas during character intro. I’ll only mention something else if it really stands out.

Hmm. Short cut skirts, revealing cleavage – good way to keep us interested before things kick off. I like that image of the clock on the Jesus cross. For me, this hints at some dark humour. I’m thinking this family is super religious and oblivious to the sacrilege of marketing a God with tie-in products and merchandise. Funny suggestive work there.

Eljah holds Noah’s decapitated head, “Is he dead?” Creepy stuff. I’m thinking he has a touch of THE OMEN in him. I have a suggestion to slightly tweak Angela’s response (p.4) and remove 2 “have”s close together: “You –need- to have faith.” Emphasis on need. Especially, for the subtext. Some people –need- faith / religion more than others. Angela has a little of CARRIE’s mother in her  - that religious fanatic element – which can be effectively terrifying. So far this concept is ripe for psychological horror. Maybe spazzes out with the Holy Spirit – maybe she needs another pill.

I really like how the scares slowly simmer to a (eventual?) boil. I like this sort of slow brew horror. Maybe Rahab could mention that Angela isn’t qualified to homeschool Elijah, therefore keeping him out of school would be neglect. I like this turn of events, however. It looks like Momma is going to fight hard to get her son back.

I wonder if you will explore education further, from a fanatic’s point of view. They don’t want their children to be taught science or evolution or sex or whatever. Maybe you could even mention a Creationist school or something. Like maybe even if there just isn’t one close-by. Or is this just a case of attachment – Angela can’t let go of Elijah. She’s too obsessive and controlling. Regardless, this concept allows you explore many dimensions of social commentary – even if it’s just in subtext. Good stuff, Dustin. Obviously, for me, this subject matter you’ve selected to examine sparks a lot of interest.

“I’ve got my son and God, that’s all I need”: Angela (p.. Wow. A great statement. And a real opportunity to highlight this quote in the MOVIE TRAILER. Filmed from the right angle, with the right performance, this could be a really chilling moment. Man, that smile she gives. Whoah. This moment was… Simple. Effective. Scary (depending on the viewer’s ideals). For me, this woman is fuckin nuts and I’m scared for her child and this town.

What frightens me is that I don’t know yet what Angela is fully capable of – or what extents she will go to. I get a sense that she has no limits when it comes to defending her child and her God -- like any good religious extremist. Um, that was sarcasm there. But it is interesting that you examine religion’s flaws while not pointing the finger to Islam (but rather to Christianity). Fundamentalism is not an isolated event. Compelling subtext, nice and early.

...more....


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Last Fountain
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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...cont...

Bible Quotes & Blowjobs… No, that isn’t a new reality show on American television. Hehehe. I jest. -That- was a disturbing moment. The passage you used was suggestive and analogous to the oral sex stuff in some degree. I like that you thought that out. I guess this is an instance of sound paired with image to jar our experience, unsettling us on some deeper subconscious level. I hate to say it, but I’m kinda glad you went there.

Hmmm. What’s up with that powder (p.10)? And the meds? I’m thinking Luke wants Angela dead. So he slowly kills a day at a time with an undetectable poison or something. I like how this stuff makes Luke a bad guy too. I guess I could better excuse the adultery. I mean, Angela doesn’t seem like she’d be, um, down for that. But, if I understand this correctly, this slow murder stuff is inexcusable. So they’re both monsters, in different regards. Just complex enough.

The ceiling –breach- was good stuff. I hope it’s just a taste of things to come. I like the idea behind it. Does she see God because of meds, or because He is real? Like, He –speaks- to her through visions as a warning of some sort(?). Technical NOTE (p.11): revise “car sits idling” to “Angela’s small car idles.” A little thing, it stood out b/c next description has “Elijah sits” - so too much sits(?).

Dang. Since you set things up effectively nice and early, as soon as I heard that SPLASH I knew what happened. Or, should I say, I feared the worst. He was told water couldn’t hurt him b/c God would always protect him. So, cheers to good writing earlier. The splash triggered my memory and fears immediately. NOTE: Someone jumps in to help. I’d remove the “unconcerned for clothing”. It was a little awkward, although I understand what you’re suggesting. For me, with all the intensity of the moment that phrase harmed the energy. I’d prefer a stream-lined description there: “A rescuer jumps into the pond.”

The scene shifts to Cocaine & Viagra. Another TV show –coming- later this Fall. Haha. Wow. This must be quite the marathon session with Rahab to need all that –inspiration-. I wonder if Luke should say “Reloaded” before he jumps in for a joke moment to break the tension of the previous pond scene.  But really, what a conflict of emotions he’ll have later. He ignored the call about Elijah to have (more) sex with his mistress.

Oh man - again this cross-cutting of scenes cause emotional conflict within the viewer (um… me). It’s like yes, we get to watch people fuck – then, no – b\c at the same time we’re watching a dying little boy. A grand juxtaposition of life (purpose of sex, right) with death. Illicit (subliminal) language too, pairing “stroke” & “head” within Angela & boy’s description. Conflicting images, for sure. Good work with the stark contrasts here, Dustin.

The cross clock ticks… Good image. Creepy that she took boy home vs hospital. Good parallel with early stuff with home vs school. Home is safety. All else is evil, for Angela. I dig it. Interesting too, since she thinks God protects against every danger. I wonder if she should get angry at God here. But I understand if you’re working your way up to that moment for later on.

Luke returns home… Hmm. No mention of Elijah from Angela, or Luke? I’m sure she has a reason in not telling him. I’m kinda scared to see if maybe the boy returned as some sort of monster. Or if Angela has snapped, and she plans on killing Luke now? Just letting you know what this one reader thinks as they absorb your tale - including any ridiculous out-there theory that pops into my mind from your suggestive material. Hehehe. I’m thinking Elijah’s death was the tipping point. And now she’s going to try and destroy the whole damn world.

The air refresher stuff was good. Creepy. Then Luke asks about some oral pleasure. Right out of the blue. I guess it makes sense though, like you have Luke say, they’re the only ones home. And I like how you show Angela still feels like Elijah is there – even if he’s dead – by having her look to the ceiling (his bedroom – but also where she looked for God through the open ceiling earlier). Nice.

....MORE...


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Last Fountain
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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...cont...

Man, Luke just gets creepier. I’m wondering if you’re messing around with my expectations here. Like I assumed Angela would be the –monster-, as per conditioning of previous movies like CARRIE. But I get a dreaded sense Luke might be may worse. You helped me along when Luke gives Angela meds to knock her out so he can finally have sex with her. I guess this is the only way he can get some at home. Creepy as fuck. I assumed, earlier the powder was slowly killing her. I don’t know what’s worse. I like that line from Angela too, about thanking God for Luke’s orgasm. Again, creepy shit. So good stuff there.

Next up, Angela watches an old movie… I wonder if you should let us in on what happened to Elijah. Even if you don’t full on reveal it yet. A nice little extra hint would be nice – like you did with the air fresheners. I mean this is what I’m wondering. I’m patient, so we’ll see how long it takes for another hint, but I would consider the effect this has on the audience. Some folks are really impatient so they might need a little more suggestive material about the fate of Elijah.  The movie suggests that Angela will look to science for once and try to reanimate a dead corpse like in FRANKENSTEIN.

I see that a scene or 2 later, you do reveal Elijah’s condition. I would consider embellishing this reveal a bit more by building up to the bedside approach - especially if a blanket covers his little body. Our mind would spin wondering if he will magically rise. Or we anticipate disgust upon a reveal of his corpse. I see how you hinted at this slow approach to the body, but it’s written so sparsely it doesn’t feel like that much time passes. Milk that tension. You’ve set it all up well. For my liking, I would enjoy a little foreplay here – unlike our man Luke. Tease that reveal. This should be a huge moment considering he speaks. By the way, you made a good choice to cut the scene after Elijah speaks. It keeps us on the edge, eager to see the next scene with mother & son.

Vera’s slug-lines could use some condensing. While Mother-in-law helps me know who she is; for me, this could be mentioned through description. I would then consider the use of mini-slugs like “hallway” & “kitchen” & such to streamline the proceedings. Comedy & Tragedy invade the house to urge panic and a heart attack in Vera. Shocking stuff. While I expected it was Luke & Rahab, I am definitely wondering why they came here. I’m assuming some sort of life insurance thing. Like Luke will take the money from this and Angela’s death (from his poisoning) to go live with his mistress. Hmmm. I’m not sure I like this turn of events yet. Let’s see how this develops further. I’m thinking once Angela gets wind of this, all bets are off. Maybe she will use a certain little demon boy to exact vengeance, erm, God’s Will? Regardless, this was quite a turning point, and an unexpected way to end the first act. By the way, good build-up to the scares with Vera searching the house and such.

To the morgue… I wonder if Angela would consider using her Lazarus-like words and try to resurrect her mom. She could fail and rationalize it due to old age, and her time had come or something. And back to another hotel scene. The structure here seems to be purposefully replaying/revisiting scenes. I think you’re trying to establish  a routine here, b/c it’s about to get shattered. But all this powder drop, coke sniff, sex with Rahab, etc starts to get a little too repetitive. I get a feeling your structure is about to evolve here, or get a bit of a shake-up. I just mention this so you’re aware of a possible stagnant / stale situation should this repetitive cycle continue on.

I’ll stop here for now. This feels like a natural Act break. It seems like we are shifting into police investigation next. That should be interesting. Good stuff so far. A creepy religious fanatic theme. Complex sexual relationship themes brew. I like how we have no clear view on evil yet. It seems like everyone is committing questionable acts. I’d like to know more about Rahab’s motives (which may soon be revealed)… I will read more and post further note soon.

We’ve got a nice slow-brew thriller here with a focus on real-world horror and elements of the supernatural.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review so far mate. Certainly a lot to think about and I'm glad the things work how I wanted them to. While writing I have a certain numbness to the events and it's only as you relate them back to me that I realise how effective they are. Thank you very much.
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Demento
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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I took a look.

SPOILERS

I would make the kid's death more dramatic and make it more his mother's fault. So on some level she's consumed with guilt. I kind of thought that was the angle you were going for. That the kid wasn't a zombie, but that he was really dead and his mother was so consumed by guilt that she playing along. It was a coping mechanisms of sort, that he was resurrected in this form. We already know, that she wasn't mentally stable, so her death pushed her over the edge. She became so delusional that this was the only way she could cope with her child's death.

I saw a Australian movie called "The Babadook" few weeks back. SPOILERS - It was about a mother that was grieving her dead husband, who died a while back and was driven mad by her disobedient child. So she "snapped" . She was basically driven to madness by these events and imagined a very scary character called the Babadook. The movie was left a bit open-ended, it wasn't explained that she had gone mad, but I think it was pretty obvious that, that's what happened. You can check out the trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5WQZzDRVtw

Something along those lines would be more interesting IMO.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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The idea is to have the viewer questioning whether he is or isn't a zombie... I didn't know myself till right at the end. I had the choice to go either way, and I feel it is open to interpretation right until the end... which is what I was going for. I also felt that by the time it got to the end the viewer would almost certainly be thinking one direction, so I deliberately chose the other.

That didn't work for you... but that is how I intended it. Can't win them all.
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Demento
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
That didn't work for you... but that is how I intended it. Can't win them all.


SPOILERS

It was good, that you kept the kid apart. Thus leaving doubt.  I had to go back and re-read this line: "pushing brain matter, between his lips.". Because I thought you made it clear here that it was all in her head. But then...

Anyway you write really concise. Gotten pretty good at it. It's my opinion that you could up the flavor here and there. But that's just me.

Funny thing. In the script I just wrote a cop does the same thing that your cop did to Luke.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Demento


SPOILERS

It was good, that you kept the kid apart. Thus leaving doubt.  I had to go back and re-read this line: "pushing brain matter, between his lips.". Because I thought you made it clear here that it was all in her head. But then...

Anyway you write really concise. Gotten pretty good at it. It's my opinion that you could up the flavor here and there. But that's just me.

Funny thing. In the script I just wrote a cop does the same thing that your cop did to Luke.


Even with the ending it could still be in her mind... first time he would have moved (even in her mind), but I think it's still viable that she imagined it all.

I feel that she is also a little misunderstood. She's been placed on medication she doesn't need, alongside being drugged with other stuff. Everyone around her is out to get her inheritance. Yes she does some crazy shit, but she never touches an innocent. Maybe I need to do a better job of it (this is one of those stories I wrote straight through without any problems) but I think I've done a fairly good job. All the clues are there. Maybe women would sympathise with her more. What she does is bad... but she's driven to it by all around her and she takes out her enemies.

I agree with the drowning. I'd like to do something more with that. Maybe too convenient. I'm relying on the over all atmosphere of the film to carry through this scene. It's a necessary scene and probably the scene I hate the most. Not sure I could carry Angela being to blame though. I have to keep her the victim as much as possible or the story falls apart.

I want the atmosphere of the 1950s, even have the actress look like that. I see her as blonde, and slightly deranged... but I'd be willing to move to a Brunette (I actually have an actress in mind)




or even redhead for the right actress. Same as the husband, tall, dark hair and always in a suit, a typical cad. I'm not sure I could move much on that.

Either way, I'll need funding so it's going to have to wait until my second short film is made before I can go around making attachments. But I would like this to be my first feature, I think.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dustin

Quick read, some quick thoughts. Well, within the first 10 pages we meet Luke, his son, Elijah, and the mother, and main character, Angelia, who quite quickly turns out to be an overbearing religious fanatic. Horror is always a little more intense when it involves the family. In fact, I’d say what we are dealing with in the initial part of the story is drama, which is really what you want, and isn’t what I’d considered “slow.” Really, you want to setup as much subtext as possible because once the shit hits the fan it may be rolling at a pace to rapid to inject such subtext, partly what I think happens in the last act of the story, sort of.


Quoted Text
I'm not sure about the whole B and B thing altogether... but within the grand scheme of things, if it is to be kept within the plot then I think the scene you're talking about is in keeping with the integrity of the script.


I know eventually you get to a point where everything on the table and it has to play out. However, in this instance, which you already are keen too, is that this sequence of the B&B may be to convenient. I’d say mainly because it isn’t allude to, foreshadowed, talk around, no subtext about it.

Back to the early parts; good build up, nice intro to all characters. Each character has an agenda, so each is in constantly in conflict. Horror has it’s pitfalls, and what I like most is that you where conscious of them and tried to avoid them, such as lack of plot in a lot usually slasher horror, passive main character. Though, you didn't completely avoid them, some repetitive parts. A lot does happen.


Quoted Text
“The part where he kills the prostitute will be taken out. I agree that it is too great a shift in his character. It almost ruins the story. Certainly something I'm going to figure out.”


While killing and torching the prostitute maybe out of character, I don’t think it’s out of character for him to have sex with one, maybe he even get’s rough in an attempt to see if he really even has it in him, but he doesn’t. I agree a character doesn’t have to be liked, just engaging. You got: detective who wants to stop Angela but for sex and money, Rahab who wants to take a son away from a disturbed mother but for sex and money, and Luke who well… sex and money. I did find his exposition while trying to kill Angela unnecessary because you’ve already set it up so well. My take away from the story whether you intended it or not is that “whether for the right (loving your son) or wrong (sex and money) reasons unchecked obsession can lead death. Anyway, good read, I’d recommend anyone surfing for something to take a look at this.

BLB




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Hey, Dustin

Quick read, some quick thoughts. Well, within the first 10 pages we meet Luke, his son, Elijah, and the mother, and main character, Angelia, who quite quickly turns out to be an overbearing religious fanatic. Horror is always a little more intense when it involves the family. In fact, I’d say what we are dealing with in the initial part of the story is drama, which is really what you want, and isn’t what I’d considered “slow.” Really, you want to setup as much subtext as possible because once the shit hits the fan it may be rolling at a pace to rapid to inject such subtext, partly what I think happens in the last act of the story, sort of.


Yes it is what I wanted and I agree with you it isn't slow. I'm referring to comments I have read from other writers who would perhaps prefer a more instant gratification. I truly believe the viewer will appreciate the drama in this, and I also believe it is what is missing from much of the horror genre today.

It was only a couple of years or so ago that I would have said the horror genre is dead. It isn't frightening any more. Maybe that's because I've gotten older, but I'm more inclined to think it is because they are often too simple, they go from A to B with very little in between.




Quoted Text
I know eventually you get to a point where everything on the table and it has to play out. However, in this instance, which you already are keen too, is that this sequence of the B&B may be to convenient. I’d say mainly because it isn’t allude to, foreshadowed, talk around, no subtext about it.


Yeah. My GF reads all my scripts first and that was something she found jarred with the rest of the story.  


Quoted Text
Back to the early parts; good build up, nice intro to all characters. Each character has an agenda, so each is in constantly in conflict. Horror has it’s pitfalls, and what I like most is that you where conscious of them and tried to avoid them, such as lack of plot in a lot usually slasher horror, passive main character. Though, you didn't completely avoid them, some repetitive parts. A lot does happen.


Thanks. I did a lot of research and took a few days turning a basic story over in my mind before setting down to write.




Quoted Text
While killing and torching the prostitute maybe out of character, I don’t think it’s out of character for him to have sex with one, maybe he even get’s rough in an attempt to see if he really even has it in him, but he doesn’t.


Yes, I like and will use that. I agree. His over-promiscuity coupled with the abuse by the detective would have some psychological ramifications. The murder is a step too far... but testing himself and then finding he doesn't have what it takes to do it is very fitting, thank you very much.



Quoted Text
I agree a character doesn’t have to be liked, just engaging. You got: detective who wants to stop Angela but for sex and money, Rahab who wants to take a son away from a disturbed mother but for sex and money, and Luke who well… sex and money. I did find his exposition while trying to kill Angela unnecessary because you’ve already set it up so well.


If it reads as exposition I better remove it. Especially if unnecessary.



Quoted Text
My take away from the story whether you intended it or not is that “whether for the right (loving your son) or wrong (sex and money) reasons unchecked obsession can lead death. Anyway, good read, I’d recommend anyone surfing for something to take a look at this.

BLB


That's a very good take. Thanks.

If you have a script listed here or otherwise and you'd like some eyes on it, let me know.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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New Logline: A devout Christian, due an inheritance worthy of murder, finds solace in a son resurrected through prayer and does whatever it takes to satiate his craving for brain.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure, and when I get something up you'll be one of the first people I notify. I think you'd be of great help.

BLB




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Iancou
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Read your script. Aside from a few typos, technically it is well written and everything a script should be in terms of description, character development, continuity, etc. While horror is not normally my genre, I can still appreciate the time and effort devoted to developing a well written story. The few points I found to address have been covered by other reviewers. In fact, I can see a horror master like Wes Craven or Rob Zombie (both yanks, I know) directing a film made from this script. Die-hard horror fans would probably receive the movie version very well.

Best of luck.

Ian


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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that truly is a compliment, thank you. I do of course also acknowledge that you are aware of what needs to be fixed. Not that it's a small fix, it will take rewriting almost the entire 3rd act. I already have some ideas for the fix. Thanks again.
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Last Fountain
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin

It took me a while for the next instalment of this review. I’m enjoying the script, so my slow progress is not indicative of quality. I think you’ll understand why it took a bit longer when you see the length of these posts.

My review here is full of comments on what worked, what didn’t, a digression or two, and probably a bit too many suggestions. I’m enjoying this thriller on a few levels so I took the time to comment constructively as best I could. I find it’s hard to tell why a reader thinks the way they do when you just get a brief final summary.  So by digging through all this feedback I hope some of it helps you out at least a –bit-.

Dan

THE NEXT 35 PAGES – or WHEN CLAUDE HITS THE FAN…

The stuff with the authorities is pretty brief. So far. Looks like Elijah has an appetite for destruction. The what’s-under-the-bed scene was good. I feel like it could be embellished even more. Like more build-up to the gruesome reveal. I also wonder if you should consider Angela’s reaction a bit more. I think she should react more. Maybe she even thinks it’s the Devil’s work or something. Regardless, I like how you have hinted at the horror thus far, and how you slowly start shifting the focus towards it.

Another hotel room. I wonder if you should spice up these lustful encounters. What if one of them begins to get bored or doubt the relationship. You could introduce this idea with either Luke or Rahab talking about being bored of hotel after hotel. The routine. Maybe one of them wants to do it at one of their houses or maybe even in public.

If they fucked at Luke’s it would definitely crank up the tension. A scene like that is ripe for the audience to participate. Like what if Angela busts them? Or zombie kid? What if Elijah spies on this activity? Something like this would have me yelling at the screen. For me, that’s part of the enjoyment of watching horror flicks - Predictable danger. I mean the imagination easily reels from this sort of scenario. I write this as I read, so this suggestion might be unnecessary if you do in fact explore this route. If so, maybe you could shift that scene earlier on in the script.

By the next page, I see that maybe Rahab is bored of this relationship. I like how you have her confront Luke about how this fling’s expiration date fast approaches. Hmm. It looks like the cops nosing around is the reason, or her excuse. Consider exploring this territory as well. Since you’ve spent a fair amount of time focused on this relationship I take it serious. Maybe realistic emotional conflicts should be addressed - without dominating/over-whelming screen-time. I mean I don’t want a relationship drama, just some touches. This has a chance to be a horror with real emotions like MAMA with Jessica Chastain.

I like that you switch to the hotel’s exterior, and someone watching them. I assume it’s Claude, as I suppose you want me to think. But I’m also entertaining the idea is could be Angela. A prostitute is -conveniently- nearby. I wonder if we should build-up to that, as well. Not a lot. But what if we spend some time with Luke’s pissed reaction. Maybe wondering the street, smoking. Looking for action. Looking for prey. I get the sense Luke will do anything to get his rocks off. This could get even creepier. If it does, I would enjoy some embellishment vs convenience.

I just got that joke with the inspector’s name now. Pretty dry sense of humour: “Yes, Claude is my 1st name”. To make it even more obvious maybe his last name should be the French version: Jean. The sniffing stuff got creep-nasty. I’m thinking of the corpse crotch sniff. Uck. Maybe Luke’s description could simply be modified to “Inspector notices Luke gulp. Suspicious.” And did Luke walk in on that moment of smellery? If so, he could easily excuse his reaction.

I wonder if you should work on the Inspector’s dialogue, or his conversations. Maybe some sort of cop-talk flavour or procedure? Should he question Luke? Or better introduce himself to Luke? Or ask questions about Vera? Or ask about Luke’s whereabouts that night? I think you have to at least touch on what we are thinking as an audience: How will Luke lie about his mistress AND their involvement in Vera’s death? I could really go for a dramatic irony filled confrontation here. So good work invoking this reaction and level of involvement from this reader, it means the set-up was a success. Otherwise, I’d consider avoiding scenes with the Investigator. All of these issues could be addressed after an off-screen visit from the cops.

I wonder if you could avoid the process of the meet and greet with Claude? Maybe the scene begins later on, like just as Claude smells Vera, then Angela returns with tea. Another cut and we are mid-conversation – like half the cup of tea is drank. Then Luke enters. Gulps. Scared. Claude milks the tension, “Just the man I wanted to see”. This begs us to wonder how much the Investigator knows, and keeps Luke on his toes, probably thinking the same damn thing. Just a suggestion to strengthen what I feel was a strong set-up that just happened to dipped a little in momentum. 2nd act shit, right. It’s always a pain in the ass to crack the middle-story stuff. I hope these suggestions might help or inspire other ideas that will benefit to keep this creepy-slow-burn-tension-filled thriller like the 1st act.

I wonder if the transition to night should include an exterior establishing shot. It goes from Angela’s scowl to Angela shivers awake. This segue was jarring. A little thing really. That said, we have another feasting. Nice milking the tension to the reveal here. A gruesome sight with Elijah and the crows. I really liked how you had the crow scratch, fighting back, being eaten alive. This would be a very effective visual on-screen. A lot of options for sound design too - from the build-up to the biting.

I feel like I’m missing a bit more of a reaction out of Angela. Then again, she is freakin nuts, right. I like how she is careful to tell her son he hasn’t done anything wrong. That idea alone freaks me out. But I wonder if she should be conflicted in believing this herself. What if she gasps in horror. Or is afraid or conflicted. What has she done? This isn’t her son, this is a monster. Maybe she fights this realization and says this bit of dialogue for her sake, as much as Elijah’s. She needs to convince herself that SHE hasn’t done wrong. If not now, then I do hope she evolves into this emotional territory at some point during this movie.

I like the small moment when Angela wipes some blood off her son’s face. How motherly, eh. A small embellishment of she licks her finger first then wipes, is even more innocent and motherly. Especially juxtaposed against the brutal horror. The Bible verse was pretty effective. Format-wise I wonder if you should use quotation marks in the dialogue? I’m not sure if that’s standard, but it would clarify things.

Whoah. Okay. I love subtle. I love subtext. I love that which brews under the surface. I love the QUIET moment you have here, where Luke watches Rahab from afar – as she greets our man, Inspector Claude-Jean Damme-Van. Seriously though. It makes me wonder (obviously you’re intent) how much did she tell the Detective. Is she going to save herself and pin it all on Luke? Interesting development. A very well-written quiet scene. Good stuff, Dustin.

...MORE...


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Last Fountain
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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...CONT...

A DIGRESSION: For thrillers to work (or really any genre) there needs to be moments for the actor to react and us to wonder what they think. I would think an actor loves a scene without dialogue, for the challenge, and to demonstrate their skills. Like they can say, this scene was good because of my performance, not the writer’s words. It’s easy to forget, as a writer, to include moments that don’t stroke our ego or show-off dialogue skills. Sometimes a speech isn’t needed, sometimes a look/physical reaction says –way- more. Sometimes we need to create a scene ripe for sound designers, FX folks, designers, cinematographers, musical score, et cetera. Movies aren’t all on the written page right. It’s just one element. I feel like a good script should inspire every department of the production… And, END DIGRESSION…

Good job balancing the internal mystery stuff with the external physically disturbing gore stuff. I think (reflecting upon my digression) you balanced a lot of these elements throughout. So cheers, eh. And remember –that- when you think on some of my suggestions or (possible) negative reactions. I’m enjoying this concept and its delivery, so I’m spending some time (like with the Detective stuff) to try and help every aspect match the quality of others.

Now that you know my thoughts on that quiet scene hopefully you understand where I’m coming from when I say cut out the scene inside Rahab’s. Don’t let us know what Rahab & Inspector Claude talk about. This is Angela’s movie, and through extension, a story of her son & husband. I’m not sure I –need- to spend time with other characters. I feel like, for this story, I just want to spend my time with these 3 main characters. Every scene should have at least 1 of them in it. [This would also mean excising the earlier scene where Claude investigates Vera’s.] To keep us excited, maybe Rahab and Claude can talk outside for a bit, as Luke watches, worried. We never know what they say either, since we’re focused on Luke and his POV. Again, just my humble suggestion.

I hope the evidence I point to justifies my opinion here. And again, I comment on this to strengthen an impressive concept about family. Think of the effect this alteration would have on the viewers. Like even maybe when we watch a scene without the main 3 we tune out, only to then snap back to attention when these characters return. I think this on/off attention aspect would injure momentum. I know, I know, as writers we don’t always like rules but I think if you set –some- rules for this concept it will really work well and help you maintain that hard-earned momentum. Keep this going up and up. Let’s stay with the family through the entire runtime.

ON WITH THE SHOW… Inside Rahab’s. It seems like she is a master manipulator. A real seductive femme fatale. I wonder if Claude will fall for it too. Or if this sort of activity will make him suspicious of Rahab.  It already looks like her called her on that shower lie. That was another good moment. And quick way to let us know how smart this Detective is.

I’m also wondering here, if Luke will barge in. That would be intense. But also add to the Inspector’s suspicions. Hmm. I kinda am expecting Luke to “bury” his secret along with Claude;s body and maybe even Rahab’s too. Wouldn’t that be interesting. Luke is the real monster here. Not the zombified Momma’s Boy of the title.

I liked Rahab’s joke reply about Claude having a boyfriend. If so, her seduction could fail her in this instance. Hmm. So he grabs her leg. Didn’t expect that. I thought she’d have to work more for his attention. Although, I like how you play with my expectations next. Claude knows of the affair (at least?) and he would rather have cash. If you decide to cut this scene, as per my suggestion, Rahab could relay this information to Luke later. I’m assuming he’s going to ask about her meeting with Claude anyways, right.

Back with Elijah. I wonder if you could add a dark joke here, after the bed bugs bite moment. Elijah could reply, “I’ll just bite back.” Back to Luke. I wonder if you could have him barge in and question. Rahab could even be upset that he broke the rule of going to her place. After-all, they could have had their sexcapades here rather than a hotel all along. Or this gives you an excuse to spice up the variety of locations earlier, since Luke is –allowed- to come to her apartment. I’m assuming the hotel is in the bad area of town (prostitute, right). So they meet there b/c it’s close to their drug-dealer or something. Oh, and I like the dramatic irony here. She doesn’t tell him about Claude’s offer / request for money. So maybe she accepted and is playing Luke at this point. Good stuff there.

Angela awakes again. This time it’s not the cold, but a noise. Hmm. I could use more variety there. I like the bedroom scene though. Creepy shit. And it just gets creepier as Momma hunts for pets / baby-food. Elijah’s reaction to the puppy was effectively unsettling. I’m a little confused with the description of Elijah’s appearance returning. I’m taking it metaphorically. However, I’m uncertain if we are seeing her POV and he is visually fine.

If so, I’d play with this device earlier. Like WE have no idea he is a monster until a later reveal, as we see someone else react to Elijah (thus getting a new POV on the entire story as well). Now –that- would be fucking BOLD. It would take quite the revision, but go for it if you like my suggestion there. As you can tell, I really participate upon absorbing a story ( be it in writer form or on the screen). Um, maybe too much. Hehehe. I hope you don’t mind, Dustin. I hope it might actually help. Another take on this idea would be that we see the monster version when Elijah first eats an animal (the crow?).

I like how Angela finally reacts to the horror of her son’s consumption. I like how the tension ratchets up another notch as Luke arrives home. Now she has to make sure HE doesn’t see Elijah or hear him eating. Wow. Tea time again. That makes me wonder, what if Luke drugs Angela again. With her passed out, she can’t hide Elijah. What would Luke do if he sees his son is a zombie? Good suggestive stuff there set-up by earlier developments. RE-ANIMATOR. Yes! Nice homage there. Then the shoe drops. Angela is told she must go back to the mental hospital. No. How can she hide / take care of Elijah. This definitely urges her to action. Maybe now she’ll invite Rahab for lunch with Elijah. Yeah, and Rahab’s the main course.

Looks like an invitation isn’t necessary. Rahab shows up to Angela’s house. It’s about to go down. I’m happy these two finally have a confrontation. There might be a moment to joke about Angela’s over-the-top religiosity. During their fight, Angela invokes God or mentions how God protects her, you know blabbing all religious again, when Rahab knocks her out. It’d be good for Rahab to joke there like, “Where’s God’s protection now? Bitch…” or whatever. Basically, insult Angela’s fanaticism and I think the audience might enjoy it. She is a little extreme, no.  And once Angela attacks Rahab she could return the insult with one of her own, defending God or her Chosen status.

So the attack was good stuff. What really scared me there was the idea of watching a child –try- and bite through a skull. Damn, man. Sick twisted shit. I like it. Skulls are hard, eh. Seriously though. This is where realism makes the situation even more terrifying. Most horror movies wouldn’t address this issue. They keep it surreal. By making this realistic it makes this much more threatening. It makes the action seem actually horrific.

Whereas, most of us are desensitized to the point where a zombie attack is somehow cool to watch or entertaining. [After-all THE WALKING DEAD has tons of viewers and it keeps gaining more. I think this proves how –cool- zombies have got.] What you’ve done her, with that touch of realism, is make this supernatural premise surprisingly serious. Now Momma has to break open the skull, and get even more hands-on with her involvement. In effect, with this murder, she transforms to a monster much like her son has. It even gets a touch worse as she searches for a hammer and Rahab screams awake. Spooky and gruesome shit, handled surprisingly well. I did not expect to feel like that within this concept.

The Claude & Luke stuff was better this time around. More engaging. More attitude. The big shocker there was Claude saying, “I want to join you.” I’m not sure what he means by that. But I can’t wait to find out. Later with Claude & Luke in the hotel, I still hesitate to trust the Inspector’s intent. Maybe this is what it takes to get a confession with Luke – Claude has to offer a false partnership. The gay stuff could be handled better. I suspected such with Rahab’s failed seduction. The earlier question from Luke fell flat or too obvious. I’d prefer if we just get that reveal here. Maybe Claude simply says, “Rahab made an advance on me” …Luke retorts, then Claude adds… “Let’s just say, she’s not my type.” This would be a natural way to tell someone you met that you’re gay, no (?) Then, wow, okay Claude gets pretty hands on there. Unsettling stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, to quote Seinfeld. But it’s creepy if he did that to a woman too. Regardless, this forced sexual stuff was effective.

WTF territory as we find out what goes on at that Bed n Breakfast place. I really did not see that coming. If they pull that shit on Angela they better watch out, cuz her son is her attack dog of sorts. And Elijah likes internal organs too. Onto Elijah and Angela and the bible quotes. Good stuff there. I remember thinking about the cannibalistic nature of communion as a child. It still creeps me out. Good zombie metaphor there.

I’ll end on the take-out dinner stuff… Dang. This Word document is already 13 pages. (A lot of my reviews end up this long… once I’m done, that is… Shameless plug out there if any reader of this wants to swap feature reviews PM me – I have several that aren’t posted on this site.)

Angela finding those brains. Hmm. I hope they have a microwave in their room. I get the dreaded feeling cold brains just won’t cut it. The bed and breakfast was an unexpected turn. I hope you do something good with this new setting. It seems like everyone in this story is a monster in one regard or the other. I like how you show the whole scale of evil.

….END (FOR NOW)…    Overall biggest notes for improvement are:

Focus on Claude’s 1st interrogation of Angela & Luke during the revision process. I feel this was a sore spot in an otherwise effectively built foundation.

Focus on main 3 characters. No scenes without them. We are always with at least 1 of “The Family”.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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I'll tackle this one first as it is the most negative and I'd like to get it out of the way.



Quoted from dead by dawn

the characters were really unlikable. I don't have a problem with that, though. Characters don't have to be likeable, they just have to be fascinating or interesting enough to make me want to hang out with them.


Can't you just read a story without regurgitating all of the shit you read on the web?


Quoted from dead by dawn

I didn't find those qualities in Luke, Rahab, Angela, Elijah, or Claude.  Luke did a lot of coke and cheated on his wife a lot with Rahab, but all their scenes were nothing new to me, and their sex and hotel scenes could have been condensed a bit more, I think.


I disagree.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Angela acted crazy and spouted religious quotes, and I suppose that's what's expected of that type of character in film anymore.


Anymore? Is that the same as saying 'these days'? She reads bible passages to her son, that's not spouting religious quotes. Different thing entirely. Spouting religious quotes suggests she quotes sections of the bible randomly during ordinary conversation. She actually reads passages from the bible (heavily related to resurrection, btw) as night time stories for her son.

I was fascinated to find that the bible has lots of instances of resurrection (aside from Jesus) and I wanted to put a religious take on the zombie theme, while keeping it questionable that it is merely a psychological imagining at the same time. I know it's all been done before in your world, but for me, it's a first.


Quoted from dead by dawn

But if I was writing her, I would try to be different and find a new angle, take a new approach.


LOL.


Quoted from dead by dawn
The character has a very Carrie-feel, and I think someone even mentioned that, but I would do my best to avoid all "[insert movie title]-feel" type of stuff. I cringe when I see someone say that about another's work, or mine.


The character isn't anything like Carrie. I have never seen the film, mind... only read the book. Maybe the film deviated so far from King's original vision that you are correct. Perhaps in the film Carrie is a woman in her thirties with a dead child that may or may not be a zombie. My character doesn't have any telekinetic ability whatsoever and doesn't even touch upon the subject. The only relationship I can fathom is that they are both bullied to a degree. Even that is extremely tentative.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Moving along, Angela's first big scene fell flat with me, when she was racing through the streets with Elijah in the car. I'm assuming I'm supposed to care and be on the edge of my seat?


No. It's a horror. I'm not going for high drama, I'm going for strangeness. I wasn't invested in any of the characters. I expected a wtf moment when she takes him home rather than the hospital but that is all. Your attempts to second guess me could well be your issue here.



Quoted from dead by dawn

And in my opinion, it all leads to a plot that feels really, really out of place compared to what else is going down.


As it is all a part of the plot I don't have any idea what you mean. Perhaps your confusion over the race home and edge of the seat stuff is to blame.


Quoted Text
Speaking of how off the wall crazy and out of her mind Angela is, I started to wonder exactly how Luke and her became a couple in the first place.


Maybe she didn't start out as crazy. I don't feel it is important to the story to bring up how they got together in the first place... but then I'm usually fine with omitting finer detail. I don't know, I'll think about it.


Quoted from dead by dawn
They are so different from each other I never bought into their relationship.  I feel like Luke would have noticed her oddball, nutty behavior and would have ditched her a long time ago.


You'd prefer to understand his motivations so early into the script?


Quoted from dead by dawn
Maybe if you touched on what their life used to be like, happier times before Angela became a religious fanatic, I suppose I would have understood them being together.


I disagree that that is what is necessary here... but like I said, I will think about it. If there is a clever way for me to show it then I will... else it isn't important to the over all plot and certainly isn't something I would like to do through exposition.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Or was he only with her from the jump so he could eventually plot this scheme where he inherited the money?  


No. The plot came later. Maybe he's the one that caused her to go crazy once he found out about the inheritance.



Quoted from dead by dawn
If that's the case, why didn't he do it sooner?  A woman in her 70's could meet an accidental fate just as easily as a woman in her 80's, the age Vera was when they murdered her.  


I'm no real expert in murdering old ladies but I imagine he would probably have wanted to wait around for her to die naturally before jumping right into the scaring her to death thing. I disagree with your logic completely in this regard.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I know I have a lot of questions (and more, but I won't get into it), but that's because I felt the clarity wasn't there.  


Sometimes answers are not immediate and sometimes they require you to use your own imagination. All the best stories do that... unfortunately this will always create problems for those less fortunate in that department.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I also wasn't engaged by the story so that didn't help matters either as my mind would start to wander.


As you didn't have a clue what was going on, by all accounts, I'm really not surprised.




Quoted from dead by dawn

I had read further than I expected. I got half way through the script (p. 45) before I checked out.   After some thought, and another glance over Last Fountain's posts, I decided I would give you a little bit more time, hoping for the best.  I pushed myself another 20 pages.


You're a true soldier for the cause. Pat on the back in order? Or a medal?


Quoted from dead by dawn

I was expecting unique character choices and unpredictable story choices, the type of choices I think a writer needs to risk in order for his script to be different and make it stand out from the pack.


I'd love to see one of your examples. You must be an amazing writer.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I saw a little bit of that in the character of Claude...


Really?


Quoted from dead by dawn

but I thought it threw things off course more than it gelled...


Sigh.


Quoted from dead by dawn

which is OK, because at least you took a risk...


A veritable yo-yo of emotions. I'm on the edge of my seat.


Quoted from dead by dawn

- however, it ultimately failed with me.


Surprise, surprise.  


Quoted from dead by dawn

Everything else just felt like it was been there, done that.


I find this offensive too. First of all you compare Angela to Carrie when they aren't anything alike. Not even in the slightest degree. Now you accuse this script of being unoriginal when I actually tried quite hard to do the opposite.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Another thing that bothered me was that I never felt like anybody needed something right now.


There were plenty of occasions of that. I get the impression that you don't really know what you're talking about.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I'm big on goals,


Football.


Quoted from dead by dawn

stakes,


Vampires.


Quoted from dead by dawn

and urgency,


Toilet trouble.


Quoted from dead by dawn

especially the latter,


Nice.


Quoted from dead by dawn

...it thrusts a script forward and prevents it from being still. I felt there were too many scenes of stillness, if that makes sense.  


You feel there were too many scenes that didn't move the plot forward and/or reveal something necessary about character?

I disagree.


Quoted from dead by dawn
However, while I feel 'Momma's Boy' was too safe and didn't bring anything new to the table, in many ways, I gained a lot from the experience and considered it a beneficial read.  


An underhand compliment. Maybe you consider me not intelligent enough to pick up on it, or perhaps you're not intelligent enough to realise when you're doing it. Either or, it is wasted.


Quoted from dead by dawn
I might have been pretty negative, but don't mind me.


You've been completely negative... and I don't.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I'm not here to tell you how to write your story...


Even if you were, it wouldn't matter to me. I've never read anything of yours aside from this review, and from it I only gather negative things about your ability as a writer. Sharing your work on the site would help add to your credibility. At the moment it's like you're echoing things you've read on the internet without real understanding of what they mean.


Quoted from dead by dawn

I'm just here to tell you how I felt about it.


Believe it or not, I already know what a reviewer is here to do before I read the post.


Quoted from dead by dawn

Good luck with the rewrites - and is the draft currently posted devoid of the infamous hooker beat down?  I don't believe I came across it. haha


You claimed that you didn't read it all. If you just wanted to skip ahead to the hooker beat down part (although I can assure you it isn't as graphic as you'd probably prefer) then just ask and I will direct you to the page where it starts.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Last Fountain

It took me a while for the next instalment of this review. I’m enjoying the script, so my slow progress is not indicative of quality. I think you’ll understand why it took a bit longer when you see the length of these posts.


No problem. I'm actually a little intimidated by this review. Not because of negativity but just down to length. You must have taken quite a while to get all this down, so in the very least I'll tackle each question and let you know where I agree and where I don't.


Quoted from Last Fountain

The stuff with the authorities is pretty brief. So far. Looks like Elijah has an appetite for destruction. The what’s-under-the-bed scene was good. I feel like it could be embellished even more. Like more build-up to the gruesome reveal. I also wonder if you should consider Angela’s reaction a bit more. I think she should react more. Maybe she even thinks it’s the Devil’s work or something. Regardless, I like how you have hinted at the horror thus far, and how you slowly start shifting the focus towards it.


It doesn't have to be the devil, that's the whole point. It is God's work. Not the Devil's. She prays for resurrection so isn't surprised when it happens.


Quoted from Last Fountain

Another hotel room. I wonder if you should spice up these lustful encounters.


Agreed. I wrote this to stay within micro budget, but I understand that locales should be mixed up a little to keep the viewers interested.


Quoted from Last Fountain

If they fucked at Luke’s it would definitely crank up the tension.


Be difficult to pull off as Angela is usually in.


Quoted from Last Fountain

By the next page, I see that maybe Rahab is bored of this relationship. I like how you have her confront Luke about how this fling’s expiration date fast approaches. Hmm. It looks like the cops nosing around is the reason, or her excuse. Consider exploring this territory as well. Since you’ve spent a fair amount of time focused on this relationship I take it serious. Maybe realistic emotional conflicts should be addressed - without dominating/over-whelming screen-time. I mean I don’t want a relationship drama, just some touches. This has a chance to be a horror with real emotions like MAMA with Jessica Chastain.


Yeah, I'll look into that.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I like that you switch to the hotel’s exterior, and someone watching them. I assume it’s Claude, as I suppose you want me to think. But I’m also entertaining the idea is could be Angela. A prostitute is -conveniently- nearby. I wonder if we should build-up to that, as well. Not a lot. But what if we spend some time with Luke’s pissed reaction. Maybe wondering the street, smoking. Looking for action. Looking for prey. I get the sense Luke will do anything to get his rocks off. This could get even creepier. If it does, I would enjoy some embellishment vs convenience.


I'll look into all the conveniences. Prostitutes do generally hang around or near hotels though. He shouldn't have to look further than the lobby in some cases. Obviously though with smaller hotels, they generally hang not too far away. Depends on the type of prostitute.


Quoted from Last Fountain

I just got that joke with the inspector’s name now. Pretty dry sense of humour: “Yes, Claude is my 1st name”. To make it even more obvious maybe his last name should be the French version: Jean.


I like the clash of the English and French in this case. I find little things like that funny. Probably different in Canada, having the French as your neighbours.


Quoted from Last Fountain

The sniffing stuff got creep-nasty. I’m thinking of the corpse crotch sniff. Uck. Maybe Luke’s description could simply be modified to “Inspector notices Luke gulp. Suspicious.” And did Luke walk in on that moment of smellery? If so, he could easily excuse his reaction.


Yeah I'll check into that. I very much wanted to make this an other worldly piece. The characters could only really exist inside this film, likewise so could the place. I didn't really imagine it to be part of this world. More like a parallel universe. 1960s people thrown into the 21st Century. That's how I pictured this film playing out in my mind as I wrote it. I really enjoyed it, aside from the B and B which moves into a slightly different tone, I feel. It isn't bad, it just doesn't gel.


Quoted from Last Fountain

I wonder if you should work on the Inspector’s dialogue, or his conversations. Maybe some sort of cop-talk flavour or procedure? Should he question Luke? Or better introduce himself to Luke? Or ask questions about Vera? Or ask about Luke’s whereabouts that night? I think you have to at least touch on what we are thinking as an audience: How will Luke lie about his mistress AND their involvement in Vera’s death? I could really go for a dramatic irony filled confrontation here. So good work invoking this reaction and level of involvement from this reader, it means the set-up was a success. Otherwise, I’d consider avoiding scenes with the Investigator. All of these issues could be addressed after an off-screen visit from the cops.


I may go for the better intro'. Otherwise at the moment it isn't a murder investigation. Although there would be a police presence, until a murder is confirmed there wouldn't be any real interrogative-type questioning. Luke doesn't need to lie about anything at this point as nothing has happened. Thinking about it, I suppose I went more Columbo than TJ Hooker.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I wonder if you could avoid the process of the meet and greet with Claude? Maybe the scene begins later on, like just as Claude smells Vera, then Angela returns with tea. Another cut and we are mid-conversation – like half the cup of tea is drank. Then Luke enters. Gulps. Scared. Claude milks the tension, “Just the man I wanted to see”. This begs us to wonder how much the Investigator knows, and keeps Luke on his toes, probably thinking the same damn thing. Just a suggestion to strengthen what I feel was a strong set-up that just happened to dipped a little in momentum. 2nd act shit, right. It’s always a pain in the ass to crack the middle-story stuff. I hope these suggestions might help or inspire other ideas that will benefit to keep this creepy-slow-burn-tension-filled thriller like the 1st act.


I'll look into that. I know what you mean about the second act..... it can be a lot of fun, but also a headache to keep the right tone throughout.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I wonder if the transition to night should include an exterior establishing shot. It goes from Angela’s scowl to Angela shivers awake. This segue was jarring. A little thing really.


I'll have to look into that, that is a weird transition.


Quoted from Last Fountain
I feel like I’m missing a bit more of a reaction out of Angela. Then again, she is freakin nuts, right. I like how she is careful to tell her son he hasn’t done anything wrong. That idea alone freaks me out. But I wonder if she should be conflicted in believing this herself. What if she gasps in horror. Or is afraid or conflicted. What has she done?


That could be good. A slight shift in her mental outlook, even for a second. That's good.


Quoted from Last Fountain
This isn’t her son, this is a monster.


I have to be careful. I'm not sure I'd like her questioning this specifically, as for me the whole story rests on the viewer being unsure whether she is imagining it all, or whether her son is actually a zombie. Questioning her own actions is fine. I feel questioning the integrity of her son is a step too far for her character. She would never question it. Else, this opens a side to her character I would have to explore further.


Quoted from Last Fountain
Maybe she fights this realization and says this bit of dialogue for her sake, as much as Elijah’s. She needs to convince herself that SHE hasn’t done wrong. If not now, then I do hope she evolves into this emotional territory at some point during this movie.


She's religious. It's called faith. She doesn't need to convince herself of anything. She believes it is right because God has resurrected her son. How could it be wrong?


Quoted from Last Fountain
Format-wise I wonder if you should use quotation marks in the dialogue? I’m not sure if that’s standard, but it would clarify things.


Not sure. I mentioned she is reading from the bible in the action then had her read them. So long as it is clear I think I'm good. I haven't had anyone not get it yet.


Thanks for all your thoughts so far mate. I hope I've answered your questions.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Finished a rewrite on this script a week or so ago. Completely wrote out the Bed and Breakfast, got rid of the rent boy too. Now it's isolated to just the five characters including the zombie child. I must have deleted close to half the script and had to find more story between the characters that are already there to make up for it.

4 indoor locations; 2 houses, a flat and a hotel room. 1 outdoor location (a brief cemetery scene). 5 actors. 2 main, three supports. Very contained. The reports back from a few producers I've spoken to regarding this are great so far.
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Anon
Posted: April 21st, 2015, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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I've read the first 10 - and I will read it all. It's engaged me and I want to know what happens - and that's all a reader can ask for really.

But I do have a couple of comments. Now when people reach a certain quality of writing - as you have - many things are subjective. So take or leave what I say but I hope it makes sense.

I found this line on page 1 a little unclear -

She places a hand against her head, showing where it hurts.

Unless she has a very focussed bit of head pain or a particular wound she's pointing out - perhaps just -

She clutches her head in pain

or -

She touches her head and winces.

This piece of dialogue page 2 -

ANGELA
If you loved us, you�d be definite.


stood out for me. The rest of it flows so naturally, it made me pause. May be more natural to say -

ANGELA
If you love us, you'll be here.


You may have avoided saying that, as LUKE says 'here' just before that. And that brings another point to mind. Like most quality writers - you do a great job of changing things up for the reader. You don't repeat words, keep things fresh. But I think that it's possible that in you search for quality - you OCCASIONALLY sacrifice clarity.

For instance these two segments -

Angela discards his voice with a shake of the head and
places her hands on Elijah�s shoulders - expecting bravery.

She turns just in time as he bends to kiss her, resentfully
forced to hit her cold cheek.


You're saying both things in interesting ways - but they could be clearer. For instance, discarding a voice. A shake of the head is perhaps dismissive, rather than discarding. And if she is expecting him to be brave, rather than encouraging him to be, that could be spelt out too. Like -

Angela dismisses Luke's call with a shake of her head and grabs Elijah's shoulders firmly. She needs him to be brave.

Now it could be I've misunderstood her intent there. When she grabs his shoulders my natural instinct is that a parent would be trying to instil bravery. But you say expecting - so I guess she demands it? Anyway - I'm going to far into this one. I think it could be a little clearer is all.

Same with the second example I pasted. 'Resentfully forced' sounds weird and in this case - the actions would say it all. For example -

He bends to kiss her and she turns, presenting her cold cheek.

That's a couple of subjective points, but there is a lot to like about this so far. There isn't any point in me listing all the good bits, but for some reason I especially liked this bit of dialogue -


ANGELA
Sometimes people can get broken but
if God wants to he can always fix
them. Just like he fixed Jesus.


It tells us so much about the character and her relationship with the boy I think.

Cheers,
Alex
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Anon
Posted: April 21st, 2015, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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PS your reply to Dead by Dawn was f'ing funny.
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Anon
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Finished it. Enjoyed it although it's not usually my thing. I did think the deaths could've been changed up a bit. They all come to the house like lambs to the slaughter and when it's happened once - you know what's coming. But hey - anticipation is part of horror.

Noticed a few mistakes.

P.12
before missing the e

p.16
'th esette' should be 'the settee'

P.21
Luke 'getsa' out of bed

P.22
Need to capitalise - 'we'll both be too old'

P.30
'Seems a bit of much' - don't need the 'of'
and in Luke's dialogue - he say's 'Amgela'

P.32
need a space between - 'Afterswitching'


Couple of other things like -

P.14
'and the queue somewhat shrink' - the word somewhat is redundant and the whole phrase is probably redundant. If a guy leaves the queue - we all know it's going to shrink.

And, although it's possible someone could speak like this, I had to read this bit of dialogue on P.38 several times -

CLAUDE          
That is exactly what it is my job
to determine, sir. May I call you          
Luke?

Good luck with it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Anon
Finished it. Enjoyed it although it's not usually my thing. I did think the deaths could've been changed up a bit. They all come to the house like lambs to the slaughter and when it's happened once - you know what's coming. But hey - anticipation is part of horror.

Noticed a few mistakes.

P.12
before missing the e

p.16
'th esette' should be 'the settee'

P.21
Luke 'getsa' out of bed

P.22
Need to capitalise - 'we'll both be too old'

P.30
'Seems a bit of much' - don't need the 'of'
and in Luke's dialogue - he say's 'Amgela'

P.32
need a space between - 'Afterswitching'


Couple of other things like -

P.14
'and the queue somewhat shrink' - the word somewhat is redundant and the whole phrase is probably redundant. If a guy leaves the queue - we all know it's going to shrink.

And, although it's possible someone could speak like this, I had to read this bit of dialogue on P.38 several times -

CLAUDE          
That is exactly what it is my job
to determine, sir. May I call you          
Luke?

Good luck with it.


Thanks mate. It needs another rewrite after the overhaul it's just had and I appreciate the spotting of the typos. I'm sure this concept is a seller... it's just finding the right home for it.

Thanks again. I know I still have to check out your work. I'm getting to it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 27th, 2015, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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Another rewrite on this to make it better. It's gone from 82 pages to 89 and everything runs a lot better. I think just one more draft should see this one done.

I'm considering entering it into the Screencraft competition. Not sure if I want to throw away 30 quid on another comp but I like that the Screencraft comp is specifically for horror. I don't think this script would stand much of a chance in an ordinary comp.. but I'm wavering on the Screencraft one.
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