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So we got rubbish movies on our screens. Manly because writers are arrogant or spend so much time on their script their forced to defend their shit and carry on.
Are they rubbish because you didn't write them, I wonder?
Dustin - I agree with Sniper that Leroy's transformation to into a killer seems far too abrupt.
The Steve/Emily sex blackmail thing doesn't seem to further the story at all. I would either lose it or somehow interweave it into the reason for Leroy's transformation (maybe Steve does indeed send Leroy the pic of Emily in the compromising situation.
In addition, the fact that Emily would give Steve a BJ causes me to lose some empathy for her and since she is a victim here (i.e., of Leroy's rampage) I don't think it's a god idea to lose that empathy. It is also hard to believe that Steve loves Emily (as he professes) yet would treat her so cruelly. My preference is that you lose the Steve/Emily part of the story altogether and replace it with some breadcrumb scenes (i.e., little hints that Emily picks up along the way that Leroy may not be as stable as she thinks. I know you are going for the horror associated with a instantaneous change in a person, but it might be just as terrifying if their are ominous warnings along the way.
A consideration for the ending - I would change it so that Emily is not offered the million pounds for Leroy's shitty script but instead is offered a million pounds for the rights to the story of Leroy's murdering rampage. I think that would add a bit of irony to the ending - Leroy couldn't sell shit as a living person, but his wife could sell the story of his death.
Dustin - I agree with Sniper that Leroy's transformation to into a killer seems far too abrupt.
Yes, I realised that at the time of writing.
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The Steve/Emily sex blackmail thing doesn't seem to further the story at all. I would either lose it or somehow interweave it into the reason for Leroy's transformation (maybe Steve does indeed send Leroy the pic of Emily in the compromising situation.
At first I was disagreeing... but then as I got to the end I liked it. That's a very good idea. Thanks.
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In addition, the fact that Emily would give Steve a BJ causes me to lose some empathy for her and since she is a victim here (i.e., of Leroy's rampage) I don't think it's a god idea to lose that empathy. It is also hard to believe that Steve loves Emily (as he professes) yet would treat her so cruelly. My preference is that you lose the Steve/Emily part of the story altogether and replace it with some breadcrumb scenes (i.e., little hints that Emily picks up along the way that Leroy may not be as stable as she thinks.
I tried to make her situation appear desperate, where she has no choice but to give him the BJ. She needs the promotion and it's just a little BJ. Would it help if he had a small penis?
He also doesn't really love her. He just thinks he does because he can't have her in the way he wants. If he ever did get her then he would get bored and move onto the next thing.
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I know you are going for the horror associated with a instantaneous change in a person, but it might be just as terrifying if their are ominous warnings along the way.
Of course. It would be silly to go the instant psycho thing, IMO. There has to be warning signals... but I also don't want to give it away too quickly.
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A consideration for the ending - I would change it so that Emily is not offered the million pounds for Leroy's shitty script but instead is offered a million pounds for the rights to the story of Leroy's murdering rampage. I think that would add a bit of irony to the ending - Leroy couldn't sell shit as a living person, but his wife could sell the story of his death.
That is a brilliant idea. Thank you.
I appreciate the read and the ideas for improvement. I'll have to give your story another look over now. Cheers.
Not much to add to the detailed critiques. I'll offer only a few random comments.
Well paced, clearly written. A one-sitting read for me. I didn't intend that, but I couldn't stop.
I didn't read the logline first and am glad. As somebody else said (LC?), it gives too much away.
I didn't think of "The Shining" until the ax. I don't care for the ax approach here. These kinds of murders (father in distress kills family) are usually handled more efficiently. An ax requires chasing people around.
I was unfamiliar with the title-expression but looked it up. I'm not sure it does the story justice.
I felt kind of dumb when, way into the script, I realized this was a black family. The kid's name should have tipped me off. You mentioned you're not sure if Emily is white or biracial. It would be good to decide because it will affect how the kids look.
I'm not clear why Michael showed up toward the end. Maybe I missed it.
I like Eldave1's suggestion for the ending.
I laughed when I read the concise introduction of Steve ("prick").
OK, I'll stop. Sounds as if you're on to other things, but if you come back to this one, I have the feeling you'll know what needs to be fixed.
Cheers Henry. I will come back to this because it's an easy one. Nothing too complicated in the way of plot.
The ideas that I've had from here would have taken me an age to come up with on my own, if ever, if I'd ever have even thought of them... ever.
I am writing a few things at the moment, but concentrating on my latest feature masterpiece that I cannot share details of just yet. I'm almost 90 pages into the first draft. Should finish up around 120 somewhere... with some work to do. Which I will do first before coming back to this.
This particular script is a low budget thing. Worth around 5K or so... if I'm lucky. I would probably be better off making it myself than selling it.
After some thought, I think making her black too would be the best thing as I don't want to raise any questions about black men and white women. I don't want race to come into it at all... or anyone accusing me of hidden agendas. So black on black crime is best I think... and, so long as I also stay away from mocking Mohammed, all should be good.