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Guys, just want to let you know I'm reading through and will post some comments soon.
Don't know why more SS regulars are not onto this yet - self-contained horror stories, very easy to read, and very entertaining, so far. Comments could even be made on just a few of the tales if time is limited.
And no, they didn't pay me... Well, they promised me $1. It's in the mail apparently...
And no, they didn't pay me... Well, they promised me $1. It's in the mail apparently...
Based on what I've read so far, I'd be vary of opening the mailbox...
I've read the first 5 so far and I agree completely that these read really easily. Solidly written and there's not much else to say other than personal like or dislike per short. These aren't much my cup of tea in overall, but I find the tone the shorts carry unique and interesting.
Some observations so far below -- all completely subjective. Hope they're of some use to you guys.
I like how the first short kept introducing new things and kept me guessing what was going to happen. Stand-out dialogue throughout and this was definitely an entertaining one. A simpler ending than I expected, but nothing wrong with that.
I also enjoyed Tooth for tooth, the concept behind it in particular.
The third one felt OK, I liked the supernatural part and found the tie-in with the first great. The reveal of the calls was far better than I expected. Imo we might not have to see Donna commit suicide. The ambiguity of what happens to her next and the first short ending with the "I quit" one-liner seem stronger to me without it.
The fourth one I flat-out disliked. I have to say there's something creative behind the main idea with the soda machine and Johnson's agressiveness over the soda is interesting too, but, uh... all of this from the dialogue to the violence to the sexual content to the "badass" ending one-liner, all feels so artificially over the top for nothing more than pushing the boundaries.... far. All of it is clearly a part of the formula in the anthology, but it feels like it's only in this one for the sake of being there. The story just didn't carry it enough for me to get any other feeling but being grossed out.
The fifth one is my favourite, liked all of it. Nice ending twist, especially. I think the grin somewhat took away from the mystery of the violinist, he was more interesting to me without it. I'm not sure how the grin ties in to the rest of the homeless man angles or if it does, but right now I think it's a "psycho" confirmation that takes away some of the magic of the short.
Hey guys, I'm always a fan of scripts like this so I thought I'd check it out.
Gratuity Violence This is a good opening, I'm not sure if you've seen the Spanish film Wild Tales, but I'd suggest checking it out. It's an anthology film, not horror but it certainly gets pretty dark. There's a waitress story similar to this, it works because any one who's served ever can relate to thoughts of pure evil. I was surprised with how graphic this one got in the end, good way to set up the rest of the shorts.
Tooth For A Tooth I feel this one had a pretty good set up, my only problem is that the title gives away too much. I think audiences are constantly waiting for a twist with each story, this one was a little more predictable. I wouldn't say change much, but maybe just take it a step further, the ending is gruesome but maybe don't end it there. There's some good build up of suspense, I just found it slightly underwhelming. I get that this is going to be one bloody script, I'd be careful of being overly excessive though, I'm sure that's the point, but if every story ends like this it kind of becomes too expected. I think for this one there's creepier ways you could have ended it without being too showy if that makes any sense.
Fare Punishment I really liked this one, jumps right into the chaos and we already want to see these characters get what they deserve after the opening. This one was a lot stranger and I wasn't sure where it was going, don't really have any criticisms here.
The Soda Machine Jesus. I'm not sure what to say here hahaha, you certainly succeeded here at pushing the boundaries but I have to agree with DS, I feel like this could use some work. This certainly works for the shock factor, I just think it could be more clever, I'd play more with the idea of man and his love for technology. Maybe have Johnson be a tech-obsessed or something, I don't really know.
Extreme Violins I really liked this one, it has the perfect amount of subtle dark humour and still manages to be pretty creepy. I think the violinist could really be a creepy character, the sound was well used here and I think everything building up to the jail scene could be really unnerving.
Don't Forget The Lime This was pretty dark but I like how it ended with a laugh track, this one gets pretty nasty but it lacks any sense of suspense, I think I'd try to play up the dark comedy in this one more so. I think there's more room here to make it more sitcom-y to make the bloodbath more outrageous. I might make Charlie more of a goodie-two shoes, I think that playing GTA was a bit of a giveaway. I think this one could play out a little better.
I'll finish this soon hopefully but so far it's really entertaining, I'm excited to see how you guys wrap this up. Despite my notes on the story, I have no complaints about the writing, it's all good, reads well and so far is a fun read.
Hey guys, thanks for your input so far. Will comment further once I'm out of work. I'm sure Steven will be around today at some point to comment, too.
The Soda Machine was actually my favorite one lol, but yeah, I did expect some stronger reactions to it to put it kindly. The anthology is meant to be kind of silly, edging dark comedy. Was thinking of using a pen name for this one, but I'm glad people are enjoying it. If anything, the goal here was to entertain.
Kev -- checking out Static Town as it was highly recommended to me by a fellow SS'er. Ten pages in, easy read. So far, so good. Always admired your work, always thought you were one of the stronger writers on here.
Well I'm still waiting for my $1, but I thought what the heck, plus DS did make me think perhaps not a good idea to push it, so...
SPOILERS BELOW:
GRATUITY VIOLENCE Love the creativity with the titles and the often double meanings - well thought out.
Ah, the ol' tired waitress. They're always old and tired and too much makeup, still horror anthologies are full of clichés and if done well, which this is overall, the tried and tested can work very well and considering what she does at the end, well, I'll say no more.
TYPO stuff first:
looks down at this hand, offended. (his hand?)
to Caller (to caller)
The 'Valley' couple are great. I just have to say I love Sylvia's character and her dialogue, truly inspired - her comments in particular: 'would love to apologise' and 'guys' - I have a vagina - what a little upstart. Great observation into character. Priceless characters but subtle in the approach.
Oh, I do wish Donna didn't slit her own throat. I couldn't quite wrap my head around that in the beginning and then I thought those two elements - shock and surprise are trademarks of horror so I'll go with it - also you do cleverly interweave it within the second part of this story with one of the characters remarking 'it's not like she's going to kill herself over it' or words to that effect.
Clever the way you back track on this story and it has another angle but this did lead me to believe all the stories were going to be linked in some way. I see, reading on, this is not the case, unless I'm not reading closely enough.
I particularly liked the cab driver - dark figure in a hat, and the rewinding of the meter - all good stuff, more on FARE PUNISHMENT below.
TOOTH FOR A TOOTH The evil tooth fairy.
TYPOS: It'd be gargles and spits wouldn't it? not 'gurgles'. I think of a gurgle as the sound, and gargle as the action. Being picky I suppose.
In deep though. p.12 - 'thought'
Aren't tooth fairies all female? Not necessarily I see, and who cares. I love the suspense you build with this one and you put me in the mood with great atmosphere, very creepy etc. Great image of Amanda at the foot of the bed and the parents waking to see her standing there - and the 'monster' in the closet though a horror staple is done extremely well. All of this would translate to screen very well.
His eyes shift to this bedside She stands at his bedside Apart from a bit of repetition here, this should be 'his' in both instances or just 'bedside', I think.
His frightened eyes shift to Amanda as she places a chisel to his jaw, hanging open, and raises a ball peen hammer into the air.
Okay, I'm a tiny bit let down with the end. Don't get me wrong I still like it and I think it would well on screen but I thought for sure the Tooth Fairy was going to get his/her vengeance directly, not Amanda, even though it's through her - and I think you miss a great 'scare' moment with the ghastly image of the actual tooth fairy/monster doing his deed, instead of DARK OMINOUS SHADOW.
Still entertaining and a chilling idea but I'd rethink that ending if I were you to maximize that horror.
FARE PUNISHMENT
p.22 Gacy tries to think on his toes. Are you perhaps mixing your idioms here? 'think on his feet'? 'stay on your toes' - or is this some cross-cultural thing I'm not familiar with?
BFF? Really? I think that line took it one girly step too far.
HIMSELF opens his eyes? That doesn't read well to me. His 'double' perhaps?
He chops HIMSELF’s head clean off. Once again, that reads awkwardly imh. He chops his own head clean off.
Looks ahead at his reflection in the cab’s back window. But he doesn’t see himself. Instead, he sees HOMELESS MAN. Hood hiding his face. The taxi cab drives off. Leaves HOMELESS MAN standing alone on the empty street.
Those lines are alright but it reads a little stilted to me.
Looks at his own reflection in the cab's back window. Horrified to see... HOMELESS MAN'S face staring back at him. The cab drives off. HOMELESS MAN stands alone on the empty street - hood hiding his face.
There's a certain synchronicity to this. I think it'd be quite effective on screen even if it might be slightly confusing - perhaps that's the idea, makes you think, what just happened?
SODA MACHINE
TYPOS or oddities:
Several bulbs either dead of flickering.
or flickering
his back leaned against the wall. reads awkwardly to me. he leans against the wall
He falls hard to his back onto his back, perhaps
JOHNSON Who the fuck brings an axe to a fucking laundromat?!
Indeed. Is he really going to ask this when he's just had his hand cut off? I suppose this is the extreme and out there nature of this little tale. He actually continues on as if his hand hasn't just been ripped off too.
Alright, I'll go with it, we're in an altered horror reality. But now the man, and the penis and the machine? How possibly will you get that one past the censors?
I know you're proud of this one, Michael and it's not me being squeamish or prudish about certain aspects of this, it's just not a favourite of mine, this one, mainly because it relies on a different kind of shock value that's not scary imh. Black humour, perversity, you'll have an audience with this one, but I expect it will be divided.
Okay, more to come. Despite my quibbles I'm really enjoying these tales especially as I think the ones that follow get even better. Well done so far, guys.
Hey guys, thanks for reading. Amazed by all the feedback so quickly! A lot of people don't seem to be diggin' on the "Soda Machine" and I can understand why. Too much penis flapping for ya'll.
Kev - I agree with the ending of Tooth for a Tooth. Thinking about it now, maybe something more could have been done there, but I never thought outside the box at the time when I was trying to give Mike ideas as he was writing it. Whenever I thought of the ending, it was either gonna be the daughter or the tooth fairy doing the killing. Kinda kicking myself now for not pushing myself harder to think of a better twist. I still like the tale, though.
Don't have time to cover everybody, but thanks all who read and I'm glad to see mostly positive reviews!
@ Kev -- Will definitely check out this "Wild Tales" flick you're talking about. @ LC -- Yeah, I originally thought of having "Gratuity Violence" and "Fare Punishment" as bookends, but by the time we would have reached the end, I felt like all the small things would be forgotten by the audience (the phone calls, etc.) So I put them closer together. I realize that it may give the audience the impression that the tales may be connected in some way... in most of the tales, there is a HOMELESS GUY present at some point or some dark ominous shadowy figure... it doesn't quite connect each tale, but it's just as present as the dollar bill pretty much. "Fare Punishment" is probably the only tale in the anthology, though, that doesn't stand on its own. The thing that I was worried about was giving the anthology balance by having those two tales in particular as bookends... kinda feels off balance in a way to me by having them at the beginning. But I don't think it's too much of an issue.
TOOTH FOR A TOOTH
@ Johnny -- I believe you read this one when I had it posted as a short a few years back... think you read Soda Machine, too. @ Kev & LC -- The original ending was the ghastly face of the tooth fairy looking down at Larry with a gap-toothed smile... I changed it to the little girl because I thought it would be better budget-wise at the time. Still may change it back to differentiate this from the other tales a bit.
FARE PUNISHMENT
Tried keeping the "dollar" theme alive here, but wasn't sure how at first... of course, I resorted to time travel/alternate reality.
THE SODA MACHINE
I completely understand why people wouldn't like this one... it's a psycho-sexual, perverse tale that combines fetishes, sexual exploration/curiosity and jealousy. Man loves his Soda Machine, Man gets overly jealous and protective of Soda Machine... Soda Machine was kind of whore-ish, the machine actually getting a thrill out of seeing these two men fight over "her". I actually envisioned this as an arthouse piece, lol. This one actually was very close to production last year but fell apart due to the director's other obligations.
EXTREME VIOLINS
@DS and Kev -- Kind of surprised this has been a favorite of some of the readers... not that I dislike it or anything. The angle was that a really bad violinist who can't get a dollar tossed his way finally finds someone who gives him a dollar... and encouragement. He ends up following this guy around b/c he thinks the guy actually liked the crap he was playing. When the guy (Stanley) grows tormented and tells Violinist the truth about why he gave him a dollar, Violinist makes it a mission to ruin his life. And succeeds.
DON'T FORGET THE LIME
@ Kev -- This one was mostly Steven's doing... though I added the laugh track at the end. It was the only tale in the anthology that didn't really rely on a dollar bill to push the story.
Glad most of you are enjoying it so far, overall! Looking forward to comments about the remaining tales in the story...
Okay, I finished this one up this morning and now I am definitely delaying breakfast. Here's my thoughts on the rest:
Mister Impossible I certainly didn't expect the masked man here, I thought this was going more in the direction of the man being a ghost or something of Ian's father, which might be a fun idea to play with. I think ending this one with more of a paranormal attack and Ian saying something like "thanks dad" could be a fun twist. I liked this one though, the banter between Ian and Jake is pretty funny. I like the webcam set up and utilizing it as an unedited web episode would play well on screen.
The Blue Elephant In The Room Whoa, okay, haha I didn't see that coming. I have mixed feelings about this one, however it did start to come together when it's revealed that Ryan and Stacy know each other. I think this one needs work though, I'd work in more of a subplot for Ryan and Stacy, maybe Carl's rich or something but I think more motive would really help here. Also, Penelope's savage death is pretty brutal, she's already being cheated on and is even turning away Ryan. I understand that she needs to die and I like the blue elephant concept but I'd make her death more subtle or potentially not even show it to add mystery to where this story is going. The ending is pretty funny, the bloodbath ending though might become a little too predictable though, I might go the route of having a weird little chase scene with the elephant. I know that's a weird suggestion, but there's a lot of slashing going on here, I think you can get more creative with Penelope's revenge here.
One Dollar Down This one was entertaining, I don't really have any notes on it to give. There's a lot of nasty stuff going on in this script and this certainly doesn't fail as a finale. Decapitations, vomit, and poop-covered dollar bills being used to snort coke, YIKES.
Overall Personally, I'm not super into gratuitous violence to this extreme but I was definitely entertained throughout this entire script. It read really well and my only criticism would be to go back and maybe tweak the stories so that they play off of each other better. With anthologies like this, audiences are always expecting the unexpected, which really makes it harder to throw them off. I think you guys succeed most of the time here, I'd just work on a few of the stories. Kind of like how the Final Destination films became a spectacle of creative deaths, they played with expectations and provided a lot of potential deaths in the build up. That might be something I'd try more with this script, we all know the blood is coming, tease it a little more. The stories are all very different and the characters are unique, which I applaud, there's no doubt that this wouldn't be a really fun crowd movie and would certainly get people talking or puking or both.
Good luck with this one guys, fun read, let me know if you want me to check out any rewrites.
@DS and Kev -- Kind of surprised this has been a favorite of some of the readers... not that I dislike it or anything. The angle was that a really bad violinist who can't get a dollar tossed his way finally finds someone who gives him a dollar... and encouragement. He ends up following this guy around b/c he thinks the guy actually liked the crap he was playing. When the guy (Stanley) grows tormented and tells Violinist the truth about why he gave him a dollar, Violinist makes it a mission to ruin his life. And succeeds.
Hm, I either missed or forgot, as I commented a day after reading them, the action lines about the violinist's disappointment/grin when he got the dollar. Because I missed those I considered him to be an enigma throughout the story -- so I take my comment about the grin and the mystery above back. Though, now that I got the point, I like this one even more.
Interesting idea you have with "Mister Impossible"... will keep that one in mind. As for "The Blue Elephant in the Room", I may have rushed that one, especially at the end... the other tales hovered around 10 pages/minutes and I was already at like 17 pages/minutes. Perhaps that's why I didn't give the Stacy and Ryan relationship more screen time.
Quoted Text
One Dollar Down This one was entertaining, I don't really have any notes on it to give. There's a lot of nasty stuff going on in this script and this certainly doesn't fail as a finale. Decapitations, vomit, and poop-covered dollar bills being used to snort coke, YIKES.
Realized I didn't have any vomit or fecal matter in this anthology, so I figured I'd end it with that lol. Kidding. Just wanted to use the jukebox as a bookend pretty much.
Hm, I either missed or forgot, as I commented a day after reading them, the action lines about the violinist's disappointment/grin when he got the dollar. Because I missed those I considered him to be an enigma throughout the story -- so I take my comment about the grin and the mystery above back. Though, now that I got the point, I like this one even more.
Thanks for reading, dude! When we got our first negative review via PM I thought that's the way things were gonna roll from there on out but so far everyone seems to dig 1Buck and I'm happy about that.
The mental torture aspect of this one is terrific. Sort of reminds me of Poe and The Tell Tale Heart, even though this tortuous sound is very real.
Few nitpicks:
listening to headphones. hmm, I get they're actually listening to music, ear buds in etc. could be written a bit better. 'chatting quietly amongst each other' - 'chatting amongst themselves' might read better, I'm being picky, I suppose.
Stanley is an old fashioned 'old man's name' imh. I suppose the other angle is it's a distinctive name. The fiancé seemed to drop him like a hot-cake and never appear again.
Maybe this is all some weird coincidence, but I kinda feel like I’m being followed. (beat) Are you following me?
'Are you following me' might have been enough. I suppose he's still being polite at this stage.
Why are you doing this? How do you even know where I live?
I think he might ask him near the beginning: 'is this some kind of joke?'
Again with the eyes slam open? 'fly open' or 'burst open' - slam is when something shuts, guys, there's no debating it... or it's the sound a door makes when someone shuts it hard.
I love Stanley's complete melt down - the visual and audio images of the popping strings, clomping him over the head etc. - great stuff.
after further assessing the progress of your treatment, I do think this could roll off the tongue a bit better.
The couple seems impressed. Seem impressed.
This is my favourite tale so far. Very witty and well thought out characterisations and very relatable. I think you nailed this one. Oh God, poor Stanley.
DON'T FORGET THE LIME
laying on the bed. lying
FRANK PRITCHETT Why does (Dad) Frank get a last name?
The kid sitting on Frank's lap is a bit much imh.
Hmm, nice misogynistic tale. How about reversing the gender just for a change though? Kid watching a vid game all day, Dad drunk as a skunk - I dunno, it might have been nice to get payback against the guys instead.
The domestic dialogue between husband and wife is terrific. Great Job with that.
Oh, and videogames always lead to violence... It's not bad. Reads as straight by the numbers, no twist, black humour, created for shock value, I suppose.
MR IMPOSSIBLE
This one is a gem in terms of your main character. Love it.
fifty cents? Not 50c, - yes, I"m being pedantic.
I really like the banter and humour between the brothers. Just a note that Ian reads a little younger to me than 14.
He’s just jealous that his Dad (dad, should be lower case)
Ian's theme music or: The theme music
Again, with the slamming things open - nuh-uh: The door slams open flies open or bursts open
I love the finger wiping the blood from the webcam screen. Very nice.
Adam stands at the doorway ready 'in the doorway'
Okay, a question, is the FACE and the MASKED MAN in the window one and the same? I assume so. I'd call him another name all the way through - perhaps give him a ski mask or balaclava? Masked man imo makes him sound a little like a superhero/good guy, and he's anything but.
At first I thought, considering ADAM was the first to go that this was Ian's father come back from the dead (the reference to his magic etc.) but then it appears this is just a random intruder, is that right? That's fine but I would have dispensed with ADAM altogether and gone with Mom being a single MOM and then ramped up some scares perhaps with her hearing something in another part of the house etc. and then doubting herself...
The dead-pan delivery at the end, 'Mom, you okay?' is great but just before his sign off to his fans via the webcam, surely this is a prime moment for a big toothy grin on Ian's face?
Anyway, I love this kid, I love this character. I love this story. I'm just not sure what purpose Adam serves. Another favourite.
THE BLUE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
She turns his back on him. her back on him. p.71
Jason stands like at a claw machine. p.75 TYPO/weird sentence.
Jason surprises her a tight hug.
Stacy’s severed ring finger on the table. I'd just write: Stacey's severed finger - we know it's her ring finger and the impact of that description is lost.
Overall this story is too convoluted for my liking and it seemed to go on a long time to get to the point not only of the story but in creating any suspense. I like some of the small touches, the claw machine and the kid on the beach but then it becomes way too complicated story wise.
I think the problem is RYAN doesn't reappear until later and there's not hint of a connection between he and Stacey because you wanted the shock value I presume, but the story becomes long-winded and loses any real impact with its denouement. Perhaps the key is in getting CARL to dispose of his own wife somehow and then he gets his comeuppance.
There's a lot to like with this but I think it needs some editing. Also, I'm not fond of the ending in the bedroom. Seems to be a recurring theme running in this anthology with people humping inanimate objects, and I really couldn't make the leap here.
ONE DOLLAR DOWN
I heard you what you said. TYPO
Fifty Grand Award for his capture. Be a reward, wouldn't it?
Joe is squatted over the toilet, Joe squats over the toilet.
Okay, not surprisingly this one's not for me. I'd find no entertainment value in watching this play out - in fact the opposite.
I know a lot of horror anthologies rely on toilet humour, and loads of dripping gore, and gratuitous violence to make an impression with their audiences but what I'd really love to see is stories with actual scares - scenes that make me jump - throw in some gore as well if you want but scare the heck out of me or intrigue me and make me care about the characters.
So far I think the general consensus is that TOOTH FOR A TOOTH, EXTREME VIOLINS, AND MR IMPOSSIBLE are the most popular. I believe that's because there's a solid well thought out narrative in all of these tales and attention has been paid to character. If you can get those other stories up to the standard of these three then I think you'll have a hit on your hands.
P.S. Just want to add - I would like to see a strong female character in one of these stories - perhaps she appears as a damsel in distress at first, stranded on the side of the road or something similar, and then turn it on its head.
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