1Buck by Michael J Kospiah & Steve Mandolla - Horror - A horror anthology consisting of nine random, twisted tales -- all involving a one-dollar bill.  Tales From the Crypt meets ABC's of Death. 101 pages - pdf, format

The link won't open the script - asks me to log in to my dropbox account or create one. ??

Try this link. https://www.dropbox.com/s/hv4kdzkh0m1cxyc/1BUCK%20ANTHOLOGY.pdf?dl=0

Probably a error but "Steven Mandolla" should be included in the thread as the 2nd writer.

Gabe

Clicked the link you provided above and got the same thing; it's asking me to log in to DropBox.  I have no interest in signing up for a Dropbox account.  I won't be the only one who didn't bother reading because it's a hassle to get to the script in the first place.

Recommendation: re-submit the script.  The PDF itself this time, not a link to a download.

Initially submitted it as a PDF document though I did have the dropbox addrees under script url when I submitted.

Funny, a few years ago, it was suggested that I get dropbox specifically for this site because it was easier to upload revised drafts. It was suggested by a few members. Guess. i'm the only one who uses it anymore.

Most people use Dropbox. I think you just shared the wrong link in the first post. The second one works fine.  

Lon, when it asks you to sign up, just hit the X. That's what I did (I don't have an account) and it popped right up, no trouble at all.

Michael, I do like myself some anthologies. When I get a chance, I may have to give this a whirl.

Thanks dude, hope you enjoy it. It's probably more of a horror/comedy.

I'm also looking for some material to check out... any recommendations? I know Steven (the co-writer of one of the tales in the anthology) gave me a few recommendations...

-- Michael

Yeah guys, this is a really badass read and most of you will enjoy it I think.  I know I'm owed a bucket load of return reads (username used to be deadite) for reading a shit ton of stuff on here, so I'll call that one in on this script so Mike and I can get some input.  Let us know what ya think!  And thanks for reading it is much appreciated!

Damn, Steven, always changing your screen name lol.

I'm going to give this a whirl tonight. A review should be done tomorrow. =)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Lon, when it asks you to sign up, just hit the X. That's what I did (I don't have an account) and it popped right up, no trouble at all.

Well, then.  I guess that shows what I know!  

I'll check it out.

Good luck with it, guys. =)

Hey, Sean, thanks a bunch for your notes that you PM'd me. Really appreciate it, man, lots of good stuff to work with (in regards to your notes).  

-- Michael

You're very welcome, Michael. I hope you can get some use out of them. =)

Guys, just want to let you know I'm reading through and will post some comments soon.

Don't know why more SS regulars are not onto this yet - self-contained horror stories, very easy to read, and very entertaining, so far. Comments could even be made on just a few of the tales if time is limited.

And no, they didn't pay me... Well, they promised me $1. It's in the mail apparently...

Quoted from LC And no, they didn't pay me... Well, they promised me $1. It's in the mail apparently...

Based on what I've read so far, I'd be vary of opening the mailbox...

I've read the first 5 so far and I agree completely that these read really easily. Solidly written and there's not much else to say other than personal like or dislike per short. These aren't much my cup of tea in overall, but I find the tone the shorts carry unique and interesting.

Some observations so far below -- all completely subjective. Hope they're of some use to you guys.

I like how the first short kept introducing new things and kept me guessing what was going to happen. Stand-out dialogue throughout and this was definitely an entertaining one. A simpler ending than I expected, but nothing wrong with that.

I also enjoyed Tooth for tooth, the concept behind it in particular.

The third one felt OK, I liked the supernatural part and found the tie-in with the first great. The reveal of the calls was far better than I expected. Imo we might not have to see Donna commit suicide. The ambiguity of what happens to her next and the first short ending with the "I quit" one-liner seem stronger to me without it.

The fourth one I flat-out disliked. I have to say there's something creative behind the main idea with the soda machine and Johnson's agressiveness over the soda is interesting too, but, uh... all of this from the dialogue to the violence to the sexual content to the "badass" ending one-liner, all feels so artificially over the top for nothing more than pushing the boundaries.... far. All of it is clearly a part of the formula in the anthology, but it feels like it's only in this one for the sake of being there. The story just didn't carry it enough for me to get any other feeling but being grossed out.

The fifth one is my favourite, liked all of it. Nice ending twist, especially. I think the grin somewhat took away from the mystery of the violinist, he was more interesting to me without it. I'm not sure how the grin ties in to the rest of the homeless man angles or if it does, but right now I think it's a "psycho" confirmation that takes away some of the magic of the short.

That's all I've got for now. Good luck with it!

Hey guys, I'm always a fan of scripts like this so I thought I'd check it out.

Gratuity Violence
This is a good opening, I'm not sure if you've seen the Spanish film Wild Tales, but I'd suggest checking it out. It's an anthology film, not horror but it certainly gets pretty dark. There's a waitress story similar to this, it works because any one who's served ever can relate to thoughts of pure evil. I was surprised with how graphic this one got in the end, good way to set up the rest of the shorts.

Tooth For A Tooth
I feel this one had a pretty good set up, my only problem is that the title gives away too much. I think audiences are constantly waiting for a twist with each story, this one was a little more predictable. I wouldn't say change much, but maybe just take it a step further, the ending is gruesome but maybe don't end it there. There's some good build up of suspense, I just found it slightly underwhelming. I get that this is going to be one bloody script, I'd be careful of being overly excessive though, I'm sure that's the point, but if every story ends like this it kind of becomes too expected. I think for this one there's creepier ways you could have ended it without being too showy if that makes any sense.

Fare Punishment
I really liked this one, jumps right into the chaos and we already want to see these characters get what they deserve after the opening. This one was a lot stranger and I wasn't sure where it was going, don't really have any criticisms here.

The Soda Machine
Jesus. I'm not sure what to say here hahaha, you certainly succeeded here at pushing the boundaries but I have to agree with DS, I feel like this could use some work. This certainly works for the shock factor, I just think it could be more clever, I'd play more with the idea of man and his love for technology. Maybe have Johnson be a tech-obsessed or something, I don't really know.

Extreme Violins
I really liked this one, it has the perfect amount of subtle dark humour and still manages to be pretty creepy. I think the violinist could really be a creepy character, the sound was well used here and I think everything building up to the jail scene could be really unnerving.

Don't Forget The Lime
This was pretty dark but I like how it ended with a laugh track, this one gets pretty nasty but it lacks any sense of suspense, I think I'd try to play up the dark comedy in this one more so. I think there's more room here to make it more sitcom-y to make the bloodbath more outrageous. I might make Charlie more of a goodie-two shoes, I think that playing GTA was a bit of a giveaway. I think this one could play out a little better.

I'll finish this soon hopefully but so far it's really entertaining, I'm excited to see how you guys wrap this up. Despite my notes on the story, I have no complaints about the writing, it's all good, reads well and so far is a fun read.

Hey guys, thanks for your input so far. Will comment further once I'm out of work. I'm sure Steven will be around today at some point to comment, too.

The Soda Machine was actually my favorite one lol, but yeah, I did expect some stronger reactions to it to put it kindly. The anthology is meant to be kind of silly, edging dark comedy. Was thinking of using a pen name for this one, but I'm glad people are enjoying it. If anything, the goal here was to entertain.

Kev -- checking out Static Town as it was highly recommended to me by a fellow SS'er. Ten pages in, easy read. So far, so good. Always admired your work, always thought you were one of the stronger writers on here.

Will comment further later... thanks!

-- Michael

Well I'm still waiting for my $1, but I thought what the heck, plus DS did make me think perhaps not a good idea to push it, so...  

SPOILERS BELOW:

GRATUITY VIOLENCE
Love the creativity with the titles and the often double meanings - well thought out.

Ah, the ol' tired waitress. They're always old and tired and too much makeup, still horror anthologies are full of clichés and if done well, which this is overall, the tried and tested can work very well and considering what she does at the end, well, I'll say no more.

TYPO stuff first:

looks down
at this hand, offended. (his hand?)

to Caller (to caller)

The 'Valley' couple are great. I just have to say I love Sylvia's character and her dialogue, truly inspired  - her comments in particular:
'would love to apologise' and 'guys' - I have a vagina - what a little upstart. Great observation into character. Priceless characters but subtle in the approach.

Oh, I do wish Donna didn't slit her own throat. I couldn't quite wrap my head around that in the beginning and then I thought those two elements - shock and surprise are trademarks of horror so I'll go with it - also you do cleverly interweave it within the second part of this story with one of the characters remarking 'it's not like she's going to kill herself over it' or words to that effect.

Clever the way you back track on this story and it has another angle but this did lead me to believe all the stories were going to be linked in some way. I see, reading on, this is not the case, unless I'm not reading closely enough.

I particularly liked the cab driver - dark figure in a hat, and the rewinding of the meter - all good stuff, more on FARE PUNISHMENT below.

TOOTH FOR A TOOTH
The evil tooth fairy.

TYPOS:
It'd be gargles and spits wouldn't it? not 'gurgles'. I think of a gurgle as the sound, and gargle as the action. Being picky I suppose.

In deep though. p.12 - 'thought'

Aren't tooth fairies all female? Not necessarily I see, and who cares. I love the suspense you build with this one and you put me in the mood with great atmosphere, very creepy etc. Great image of Amanda at the foot of the bed and the parents waking to see her standing there - and the 'monster' in the closet though a horror staple is done extremely well. All of this would translate to screen very well.

His eyes shift to this bedside
She stands at his bedside
Apart from a bit of repetition here, this should be 'his' in both instances or just 'bedside', I think.

His frightened eyes shift to Amanda as she places a chisel to
his jaw, hanging open, and raises a ball peen hammer into the air.

Okay, I'm a tiny bit let down with the end. Don't get me wrong I still like it and I think it would well on screen but I thought for sure the Tooth Fairy was going to get his/her vengeance directly, not Amanda, even though it's through her - and I think you miss a great 'scare' moment with the ghastly image of the actual tooth fairy/monster doing his deed, instead of DARK OMINOUS SHADOW.

Still entertaining and a chilling idea but I'd rethink that ending if I were you to maximize that horror.

FARE PUNISHMENT

p.22
Gacy tries to think on his toes.
Are you perhaps mixing your idioms here? 'think on his feet'? 'stay on your toes' - or is this some cross-cultural thing I'm not familiar with?

BFF? Really? I think that line took it one girly step too far.

HIMSELF opens his eyes? That doesn't read well to me. His 'double' perhaps?

He chops HIMSELF’s head clean off.
Once again, that reads awkwardly imh. He chops his own head clean off.

Looks ahead at his reflection in the cab’s back window. But
he doesn’t see himself. Instead, he sees HOMELESS MAN. Hood
hiding his face. The taxi cab drives off. Leaves HOMELESS MAN standing alone
on the empty street.

Those lines are alright but it reads a little stilted to me.

Looks at his own reflection in the cab's back window.
Horrified to see... HOMELESS MAN'S face staring back at him.
The cab drives off. HOMELESS MAN stands alone on the empty street -
hood hiding his face.

There's a certain synchronicity to this. I think it'd be quite effective on screen even if it might be slightly confusing - perhaps that's the idea, makes you think, what just happened?

SODA MACHINE

TYPOS or oddities:

Several bulbs either dead of flickering.

or flickering

his back leaned against the wall. reads awkwardly to me.
he leans against the wall

He falls hard to his back
onto his back, perhaps

JOHNSON
Who the fuck brings an axe to a
fucking laundromat?!

Indeed. Is he really going to ask this when he's just had his hand cut off? I suppose this is the extreme and out there nature of this little tale. He actually continues on as if his hand hasn't just been ripped off too.

Alright, I'll go with it, we're in an altered horror reality. But now the man, and the penis and the machine? How possibly will you get that one past the censors?

I know you're proud of this one, Michael and it's not me being squeamish or prudish about certain aspects of this, it's just not a favourite of mine, this one, mainly because it relies on a different kind of shock value that's not scary imh. Black humour, perversity, you'll have an audience with this one, but I expect it will be divided.

Okay, more to come. Despite my quibbles I'm really enjoying these tales especially as I think the ones that follow get even better. Well done so far, guys.

Hey guys, thanks for reading.  Amazed by all the feedback so quickly!  A lot of people don't seem to be diggin' on the "Soda Machine" and I can understand why.  Too much penis flapping for ya'll.

Kev - I agree with the ending of Tooth for a Tooth.  Thinking about it now, maybe something more could have been done there, but I never thought outside the box at the time when I was trying to give Mike ideas as he was writing it.  Whenever I thought of the ending, it was either gonna be the daughter or the tooth fairy doing the killing.  Kinda kicking myself now for not pushing myself harder to think of a better twist.  I still like the tale, though.

Don't have time to cover everybody, but thanks all who read and I'm glad to see mostly positive reviews!

Gratuity Violence

@ Kev -- Will definitely check out this "Wild Tales" flick you're talking about.
@ LC -- Yeah, I originally thought of having "Gratuity Violence" and "Fare Punishment" as bookends, but by the time we would have reached the end, I felt like all the small things would be forgotten by the audience (the phone calls, etc.) So I put them closer together. I realize that it may give the audience the impression that the tales may be connected in some way... in most of the tales, there is a HOMELESS GUY present at some point or some dark ominous shadowy figure... it doesn't quite connect each tale, but it's just as present as the dollar bill pretty much. "Fare Punishment" is probably the only tale in the anthology, though, that doesn't stand on its own. The thing that I was worried about was giving the anthology balance by having those two tales in particular as bookends... kinda feels off balance in a way to me by having them at the beginning. But I don't think it's too much of an issue.

TOOTH FOR A TOOTH

@ Johnny -- I believe you read this one when I had it posted as a short a few years back... think you read Soda Machine, too.
@ Kev & LC -- The original ending was the ghastly face of the tooth fairy looking down at Larry with a gap-toothed smile... I changed it to the little girl because I thought it would be better budget-wise at the time. Still may change it back to differentiate this from the other tales a bit.

FARE PUNISHMENT

Tried keeping the "dollar" theme alive here, but wasn't sure how at first... of course, I resorted to time travel/alternate reality.

THE SODA MACHINE

I completely understand why people wouldn't like this one... it's a psycho-sexual, perverse tale that combines fetishes, sexual exploration/curiosity and jealousy. Man loves his Soda Machine, Man gets overly jealous and protective of Soda Machine... Soda Machine was kind of whore-ish, the machine actually getting a thrill out of seeing these two men fight over "her". I actually envisioned this as an arthouse piece, lol. This one actually was very close to production last year but fell apart due to the director's other obligations.

EXTREME VIOLINS

@DS and Kev -- Kind of surprised this has been a favorite of some of the readers... not that I dislike it or anything. The angle was that a really bad violinist who can't get a dollar tossed his way finally finds someone who gives him a dollar... and encouragement. He ends up following this guy around b/c he thinks the guy actually liked the crap he was playing. When the guy (Stanley) grows tormented and tells Violinist the truth about why he gave him a dollar, Violinist makes it a mission to ruin his life. And succeeds.

DON'T FORGET THE LIME

@ Kev -- This one was mostly Steven's doing... though I added the laugh track at the end. It was the only tale in the anthology that didn't really rely on a dollar bill to push the story.

Glad most of you are enjoying it so far, overall! Looking forward to comments about the remaining tales in the story...

-- Michael

Okay, I finished this one up this morning and now I am definitely delaying breakfast. Here's my thoughts on the rest:

Mister Impossible
I certainly didn't expect the masked man here, I thought this was going more in the direction of the man being a ghost or something of Ian's father, which might be a fun idea to play with. I think ending this one with more of a paranormal attack and Ian saying something like "thanks dad" could be a fun twist. I liked this one though, the banter between Ian and Jake is pretty funny. I like the webcam set up and utilizing it as an unedited web episode would play well on screen.

The Blue Elephant In The Room
Whoa, okay, haha I didn't see that coming. I have mixed feelings about this one, however it did start to come together when it's revealed that Ryan and Stacy know each other. I think this one needs work though, I'd work in more of a subplot for Ryan and Stacy, maybe Carl's rich or something but I think more motive would really help here. Also, Penelope's savage death is pretty brutal, she's already being cheated on and is even turning away Ryan. I understand that she needs to die and I like the blue elephant concept but I'd make her death more subtle or potentially not even show it to add mystery to where this story is going. The ending is pretty funny, the bloodbath ending though might become a little too predictable though, I might go the route of having a weird little chase scene with the elephant. I know that's a weird suggestion, but there's a lot of slashing going on here, I think you can get more creative with Penelope's revenge here.

One Dollar Down
This one was entertaining, I don't really have any notes on it to give. There's a lot of nasty stuff going on in this script and this certainly doesn't fail as a finale. Decapitations, vomit, and poop-covered dollar bills being used to snort coke, YIKES.

Overall
Personally, I'm not super into gratuitous violence to this extreme but I was definitely entertained throughout this entire script. It read really well and my only criticism would be to go back and maybe tweak the stories so that they play off of each other better. With anthologies like this, audiences are always expecting the unexpected, which really makes it harder to throw them off.
I think you guys succeed most of the time here, I'd just work on a few of the stories. Kind of like how the Final Destination films became a spectacle of creative deaths, they played with expectations and provided a lot of potential deaths in the build up. That might be something I'd try more with this script, we all know the blood is coming, tease it a little more.
The stories are all very different and the characters are unique, which I applaud, there's no doubt that this wouldn't be a really fun crowd movie and would certainly get people talking or puking or both.


Good luck with this one guys, fun read, let me know if you want me to check out any rewrites.

Quoted from spesh2k EXTREME VIOLINS @DS and Kev -- Kind of surprised this has been a favorite of some of the readers... not that I dislike it or anything. The angle was that a really bad violinist who can't get a dollar tossed his way finally finds someone who gives him a dollar... and encouragement. He ends up following this guy around b/c he thinks the guy actually liked the crap he was playing. When the guy (Stanley) grows tormented and tells Violinist the truth about why he gave him a dollar, Violinist makes it a mission to ruin his life. And succeeds.

Hm, I either missed or forgot, as I commented a day after reading them, the action lines about the violinist's disappointment/grin when he got the dollar. Because I missed those I considered him to be an enigma throughout the story -- so I take my comment about the grin and the mystery above back. Though, now that I got the point, I like this one even more.

Kevin,

Interesting idea you have with "Mister Impossible"... will keep that one in mind. As for "The Blue Elephant in the Room", I may have rushed that one, especially at the end... the other tales hovered around 10 pages/minutes and I was already at like 17 pages/minutes. Perhaps that's why I didn't give the Stacy and Ryan relationship more screen time.

Quoted Text One Dollar Down This one was entertaining, I don't really have any notes on it to give. There's a lot of nasty stuff going on in this script and this certainly doesn't fail as a finale. Decapitations, vomit, and poop-covered dollar bills being used to snort coke, YIKES.

Realized I didn't have any vomit or fecal matter in this anthology, so I figured I'd end it with that lol. Kidding. Just wanted to use the jukebox as a bookend pretty much.

Overall, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

-- Michael

Quoted from DS Hm, I either missed or forgot, as I commented a day after reading them, the action lines about the violinist's disappointment/grin when he got the dollar. Because I missed those I considered him to be an enigma throughout the story -- so I take my comment about the grin and the mystery above back. Though, now that I got the point, I like this one even more.

Cool,  glad to see you come around on that one.  

Thanks for reading, dude!  When we got our first negative review via PM I thought that's the way things were gonna roll from there on out but so far everyone seems to dig 1Buck and I'm happy about that.

It still needs some rewrites IMO... might consider fleshing out/extending some of the stories. Some of the tales, at least to me, feel rushed.

EXTREME VIOLINS

The mental torture aspect of this one is terrific. Sort of reminds me of Poe and The Tell Tale Heart, even though this tortuous sound is very real.

Few nitpicks:

listening to headphones. hmm, I get they're actually listening to music, ear buds in etc. could be written a bit better.
'chatting quietly amongst each other' - 'chatting amongst themselves' might read better, I'm being picky, I suppose.

Stanley is an old fashioned 'old man's name' imh. I suppose the other angle is it's a distinctive name. The fiancé seemed to drop him like a hot-cake and never appear again.

Maybe this is all some weird
coincidence, but I kinda feel like
I’m being followed.
(beat)
Are you following me?

'Are you following me' might have been enough. I suppose he's still being polite at this stage.

Why are you doing this? How do you
even know where I live?

I think he might ask him near the beginning: 'is this some kind of joke?'

Again with the eyes slam open? 'fly open' or 'burst open' - slam is when something shuts, guys, there's no debating it... or it's the sound a door makes when someone shuts it hard.

I love Stanley's complete melt down - the visual and audio images of the popping strings, clomping him over the head etc. - great stuff.

after further
assessing the progress of your treatment,
I do think this could roll off the tongue a bit better.

The couple seems impressed.
Seem impressed.

This is my favourite tale so far. Very witty and well thought out characterisations and very relatable. I think you nailed this one. Oh God, poor Stanley.


DON'T FORGET THE LIME

laying on the bed.
lying

FRANK PRITCHETT
Why does (Dad) Frank get a last name?

The kid sitting on Frank's lap is a bit much imh.

Hmm, nice misogynistic tale. How about reversing the gender just for a change though? Kid watching a vid game all day, Dad drunk as a skunk - I dunno, it might have been nice to get payback against the guys instead.

The domestic dialogue between husband and wife is terrific. Great Job with that.

Oh, and videogames always lead to violence...
It's not bad. Reads as straight by the numbers, no twist, black humour, created for shock value, I suppose.

MR IMPOSSIBLE

This one is a gem in terms of your main character. Love it.

fifty cents? Not 50c, - yes, I"m being pedantic.

I really like the banter and humour between the brothers. Just a note that Ian reads a little younger to me than 14.

He’s just jealous that his Dad (dad, should be lower case)

Ian's theme music or:
The theme music

Again, with the slamming things open - nuh-uh:
The door slams open
flies open or bursts open

I love the finger wiping the blood from the webcam screen. Very nice.

Adam stands at the doorway ready
'in the doorway'

Okay, a question, is the FACE and the MASKED MAN in the window one and the same? I assume so. I'd call him another name all the way through - perhaps give him a ski mask or balaclava? Masked man imo makes him sound a little like a superhero/good guy, and he's anything but.

At first I thought, considering ADAM was the first to go that this was Ian's father come back from the dead (the reference to his magic etc.) but then it appears this is just a random intruder, is that right? That's fine but I would have dispensed with ADAM altogether and gone with Mom being a single MOM and then ramped up some scares perhaps with her hearing something in another part of the house etc. and then doubting herself...

The dead-pan delivery at the end, 'Mom, you okay?' is great but just before his sign off to his fans via the webcam, surely this is a prime moment for a big toothy grin on Ian's face?

Anyway, I love this kid, I love this character. I love this story. I'm just not sure what purpose Adam serves. Another favourite.

THE BLUE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

She turns his back on him.
her back on him. p.71

Jason stands like at a claw machine. p.75 TYPO/weird sentence.

Jason surprises her a tight hug.

Stacy’s severed ring finger on the table.
I'd just write: Stacey's severed finger - we know it's her ring finger and the impact of that description is lost.

Overall this story is too convoluted for my liking and it seemed to go on a long time to get to the point not only of the story but in creating any suspense. I like some of the small touches, the claw machine and the kid on the beach but then it becomes way too complicated story wise.

I think the problem is RYAN doesn't reappear until later and there's not hint of a connection between he and Stacey because you wanted the shock value I presume, but the story becomes long-winded and loses any real impact with its denouement. Perhaps the key is in getting CARL to dispose of his own wife somehow and then he gets his comeuppance.

There's a lot to like with this but I think it needs some editing. Also, I'm not fond of the ending in the bedroom. Seems to be a recurring theme running in this anthology with people humping inanimate objects, and I really couldn't make the leap here.


ONE DOLLAR DOWN

I heard you what you said. TYPO

Fifty Grand Award for his
capture.
Be a reward, wouldn't it?

Joe is squatted over the toilet,
Joe squats over the toilet.

Okay, not surprisingly this one's not for me. I'd find no entertainment value in watching this play out - in fact the opposite.

I know a lot of horror anthologies rely on toilet humour, and loads of dripping gore, and gratuitous violence to make an impression with their audiences but what I'd really love to see is stories with actual scares - scenes that make me jump - throw in some gore as well if you want but scare the heck out of me or intrigue me and make me care about the characters.

So far I think the general consensus is that TOOTH FOR A TOOTH, EXTREME VIOLINS, AND MR IMPOSSIBLE are the most popular. I believe that's because there's a solid well thought out narrative in all of these tales and attention has been paid to character. If you can get those other stories up to the standard of these three then I think you'll have a hit on your hands.

P.S. Just want to add - I would like to see a strong female character in one of these stories - perhaps she appears as a damsel in distress at first, stranded on the side of the road or something similar, and then turn it on its head.

Thanks for the notes Johnny and Libby!

I definitely want to write another tale or two with strong female leads... I definitely see some misogyny on display here, especially in tales like "Lime". Sorry if we offended any female readers

Mister Impossible is definitely one I'd like to explore further... take my time with it a little more and explore the "masked man" presence a bit more, have more than just a face in the window as a set-up for it.

@ Libby, I definitely like your suggestion (I think it was your suggestion) with Blue Elephant. Maybe it was the father who set up his wife's murder? And the elephant tries to group together her son and Stacy to teach him a lesson? Although it would be expected I think because he WAS cheating on her the night she died. But it would definitely make sense.

-- Michael

Finally getting to this. I like a lot of Mike and Steve's stuff, especially The Big Fade by Steve, so I figured I'd give this one a shot.

...And I actually had a really good time reading it. I know I'll said this again, but I would really like to see this on film. There are some great images here, particularly in the murder scenes. All-in-all, it's a very entertaining read that never lets up.

Before I jump in to individual segments, here are some miscellaneous thoughts on the script:

-I wondered at first how you guys wrote this, if you collaborated on each segment or divided portions up to write. Based on the writing styles alone, I can kind of tell who wrote what, which is interesting. While I think it's written well as a whole, the style changes between some segments (at least, in the Soda Machine one) seem a bit jarring. But then again, I don't know how someone who isn't familiar with you guys' styles would see it, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

-Right off the bat, I'm not a huge fan of the title. It looks like a typo every time I see it. I initially thought it was relevant to the script somehow, but it's not, unless I'm missing something.

-Good opening song. I'm a sucker for song specifications in scripts, especially when coupled with an intriguing image (someone putting a bloody dollar bill in a jukebox). Good stuff.

-In terms of characters, I don't have many complaints. Everyone introduced came across as genuine in the short amounts of time they were on screen. Now, I didn't read any of the other notes, but I did notice above where you mentioned having some more female roles, and I think that would help. I don't consider anything in this script really misogynistic... yeah, bad stuff happens to women in here, but it's not like many of the dudes walk make it out of this thing alive, either. But the only female roles that stood out as significant to me were Donna at the beginning and Stacy near the end.

-I wanted the stories to connect a little more. There was the dollar bill motif throughout (duh) but I wished there was more stuff like Milo and Gacy, people and things that are introduced in one segment and come into play later on. That way the sections tie together and feel more cohesive. That's just what I would do, but whatever you guys think is best.

Now onto the individual segments. I took notes as I read and didn't revise them a whole lot, so I may be incorrect on some stuff, but hopefully it helps you get an idea of what I was thinking at each given place in the script.

SPOILERS are below (no shit)


GRATUITY VIOLENCE

Dialogue was decent. I expect Milo and Gacy to be relevant later on, since a good chunk of time was spent on them but they only played a small role in this particular story.

In anthology films, at least for horror, I always sort of expect a little punchline at the end of each story. Here, there was no real motivation for what Donna does (aside from just being pissed). There was no indication that she would fly off the handle like she did. But honestly, I think for the intro, it works. It's just a cartoony burst of violence for the sake of violence to kick things off.

There were some good visuals, too, like Donna sticking the rolled up dollar bill in the guy's neck. And the characters of Milo and Gacy made me interested in reading more. I'm interested in seeing how they play into the rest of the script.


TOOTH FOR A TOOTH

I like the setup of this one. There was some suspense when Larry is looking around the room for the tooth fairy.

Ha! You go all Last House on the Left on me at the end. I'd like to see this stuff on screen. You don't see a whole lot of real gristly horror films these days. In this segment, you've combined the trend of "supernatural being breaks into a house" with some old fashioned exploitation movie violence (taking a hammer to the guy's tooth)

I liked this story for the most part. It had a better payoff than the opening, which is what I hoped for.


FARE PUNISHMENT

"Lighten up for Christ sake! Not like she's gonna kill herself over the whole fucking thing."
Nice.

Oh shit! hahaha! I love the way this ties in to the other parts.

There's a lot to like in this one. From the way time traveling Harry Warden in a taxi cab ties in to the rest, Milo jerking off to Bugs Bunny, the "666" called ID.

My only "major" criticism is that it was kinda far fetched that Gacy ends up actually killing Milo. I kinda had the same problem with the GRATUITY, too. For a horror film, spontaneous murder is not too far of a stretch, but it does feel a little lazy to use for the payoff.

Page 27: "Raises the pickaxe high into the air and THWACK! Sticks the pointy end into the top of Milo's head." — Look, as much as I try not to nitpick and moan and complain about individual lines, I don't think "sticks the pointy end into the top of Milo's head" is a real effective way of describing an ax murder, unless you're going for a more stylized and unrealistic visual. When I imagine it, I see him lightly placing the end of the ax on Milo's head, not like... him chopping through Milo's skull like it's a watermelon... which is how a horror movie kill scene should be.

Why does Gacy turn into a homeless man? If my mostly made up knowledge of time travel I've gathered over the years from other movies is correct, wouldn't you just die if you killed yourself from the past/future? Why did he turn into some homeless guy we only saw for a split second two segments ago?

Also, maybe you could give us one last shot of the taxi driver driving away, so really drive home the fact that he'll come into play later on... if he does. (He doesn't. Though I wish he did... He could kind of connect the segments like the character Sam in Trick 'r Treat.)

The whole thing has this retro horror vibe so far that I like.


THE SODA MACHINE

I like the atmosphere from this but the pacing is kinda slow. That's usually not a problem for me, but since the rest of the script moves so quickly, it really feels like everything almost comes to a halt here.

BUT, I loved the payoff, and so far, out of the four I've read, it makes segment my favorite. It has this absurdity to it that's both hilarious and disturbing. I got a real Stephen King vibe from this.

I haven't read the other reviews so I don't know, but I feel like this one could be divisive among some folks. It's definitely the darkest one so far, but I dig it.


EXTREME VIOLINS

A Twilight Zone-ish story that almost turns into Ichi the Killer at the end. It feels much tamer than the rest, but it still delivers the goods.

I liked the end, too. When the new passengers gives the violinist the dollar, I though, "oh, I know where this is going..." So props for adding that last punch at the end.

I think this segment feels like the most fully-formed of the bunch that I've read so far. It just feels complete.


DON'T FORGET THE LIME

This one ties with the intro as being the most comedic, to me. I like how it's almost a whole little slasher movie in ten pages. I got a Spielberg-y vibe from it, too.

I think the twist involving the dad was kind of far-fetched. But that's what I mean about the comedic aspect of it, so I guess you could take it either way. It will probably work for some, but for others, it could be jarring... For me, it was kind of both. The "twist" took me out of the read for a second just because of how unrealistic the characters acted. It definitely felt like it was played for laughs. It's humor... dark humor... but funny nonetheless. The issue is that the rest of it seemed to play things serious, so when you do a total 180, and have a father-son bonding scene after the son just killed somebody, you risk taking readers out of the story.


MISTER IMPOSSIBLE

I wasn't sure where this one was going to go, but the end was great. I ended up really liking it. No complaints here.


THE BLUE ELEPHANT/ONE DOLLAR DOWN

I don't have much to say about the last few parts. I don't know if it's because I'm too tired or there just isn't anything to really nitpick.

My only real criticism is that the Blue Elephant story maybe had a little too much going on for its length. Lot of twists. Now, it was a good story and all, but I felt like once Ryan came back into things, it got a little "busy", if that makes sense. Too much stuff to fit into ten pages.

Also, the talking stuffed elephant could look a bit cheesy on screen... reminds me of some Goosebumps TV episode or something.

The last segment is one of the best, in my opinion. It's got a fugitive on the run, a guy doing coke with a shitty dollar bill, and a bar shootout. Plus it ties in with jukebox in the opening. What more can you ask for?

Overall, I like this a lot. I think it accomplishes what it sets out to do really well, and manages to have some pretty memorable parts. You've got some good, gruesome violence and some laughs throughout. Dialogue and overall writing quality are good, as far as I can tell. It all manages to stay low-scale without feeling like it. It could be filmed on a fairly modest budget. (As long as you don't cheap out on the makeup effects... CGI gore would ruin it.)

No idea why more people haven't read this yet. Great fuckin' script, guys.

Will

Hey Will,

Finally, someone who actually liked "The Soda Machine"! In my opinion, though that one hasn't gone over well with some readers, I think it is the most memorable of the tales and stands out as one that people would remember once they've seen the anthology as a whole.

1Buck (used to be titled Root of All Evil... and I still might change the title back to that... was also considering "Buckskin") was originally supposed to be a collaborative project with multiple writers and multiple filmmakers who I know personally. There were quite a few submissions from writers, but not many of their short scripts seemed to fit. A few of them felt like they were written before the anthology and tried to somehow force a dollar bill into their short scripts to make them fit.

Also, I'm not the most business savvy of writers... to accomplish this, there would need to be A LOT of paperwork involved. Paperwork that I'm not exactly great at. So I decided to write all of the tales myself. There was one submission (not written by me) that I decided to keep in the anthology and that was Steven's tale "Don't Forget the Lime". Just like all the other tales, it needed some edits, some tinkering here and there, but that one was all Steven. The rest of it was written over a year period... decided to take a rest from it for some time though. Up until a few months ago, the only ones I had written were "Gratuity Violence", "Tooth for a Tooth", "The Soda Machine" and Steven's "Don't Forget the Lime". So the rest of the script was written in the past few months.

Quoted Text Right off the bat, I'm not a huge fan of the title. It looks like a typo every time I see it. I initially thought it was relevant to the script somehow, but it's not, unless I'm missing something.

Yeah, was thinking of changing it back to its original title "Root of All Evil" or play with different variations of the title. Was also thinking of using "Buckskin" as the title as it sounds like a horror film (dollars used to be called buckskins).

Quoted Text -Good opening song. I'm a sucker for song specifications in scripts, especially when coupled with an intriguing image (someone putting a bloody dollar bill in a jukebox). Good stuff.

Since my original intention was to produce this myself, I chose to find a song to open and close the film with... I normally don't include the actually names of songs in my scripts, but I thought this was the one instance where I could.  But I wanted to find a song that wouldn't be too pricey too use and after a lot of googling, I chose Bill Courtney's "One Dollar Down". I feel like it sets the tone for a pulpy movie experience.

Quoted Text I wanted the stories to connect a little more. There was the dollar bill motif throughout (duh) but I wished there was more stuff like Milo and Gacy, people and things that are introduced in one segment and come into play later on. That way the sections tie together and feel more cohesive. That's just what I would do, but whatever you guys think is best.

I thought about this myself. I actually thought about scrapping the tales completely about six months ago and doing like a horror version of Pulp Fiction. I still might find a way to make some of the tales connect or at least have characters from other tales cross over into some of the other stories.

A trusted peer of mine did mention in an email that the anthology could use a spine to give it some cohesiveness. And I'm definitely looking into finding a way to accomplish that.

Thanks again Will for reading... glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks also, Will!  Appreciate it.  

I got to buzz through this over the last few days, notes as I went.  I knew I would be reading this eventually, so I made a point to avoid prior comments and bias.  Take the repetitions for what they're worth.

First off, I am not a fan of the title page.  I am generally not one to harp on such things if they work well and suit a good purpose, but here, it does not look scary or anything, just weird.

I do dig the opening, though I also cringed a bit at the hyperbole of "destroying our senses."  Just saying.

Gratuity Violence was alright.  A nice, bloody climax, but it feels overplayed somehow with the suicide.  Almost too much.  I edited these comments a bit based upon what happens later in the script, but I still feel the suicide may be a bit over the top.  Milo is amusing in his dickish way.

Tooth for a Tooth I liked a bit less.  It holds few surprises, and I feel like I have read this tale before.  I mean, literally, I think I have already commented on this story before.  Maybe that is why I thought it played out exactly as I expected?  

Fare Punishment redeems Gratuity Violence.  High marks for the opening to this story, and the twisty stuff that all seems to work out, at least at first glance if I do not think too hard.

The Soda Machine is another story I feel as if I recognize, but I am less sure.  This one pushes the boundary of utterly insane, however, and I do respect that.  The guy doesn't even give a shit that his hand is cut off and it makes perfect sense in this lunatic story.  Amongst the best in this anthology to me, where it feels like the authors are really cutting loose and giving me something new.

Extreme Violins was a story I was lukewarm to until the very end, though it did have some good moments of humor mixed in.  What I liked was how you took it just that one step beyond where I expected it to go, and that was enough for me to like it better.

Don't Forget the Lime is another one that clearly exists outside of the normal world.  We may focus a bit too much on Lisa's underwear with this one, but once the father-son dynamic is revealed, the story does feel complete.  The laugh track conclusion is such an oddly random touch that I have no trouble with it at all.  Sure.  I'll buy it.

Mister Impossible has a great, low-budget set-up, but kind of skids off the rails at the introduction of the masked man.  A few random mentions of a face at the window do not feel enough to justify the convenient introduction of a crazed throat-slashing killer into the mix. Most of this one is quite good, actually, but that huge, weird hiccup in the narrative is too much to forgive and it harms this story.

The Blue Elephant in the Room may be one of the best-conceived stories in the bunch, but the dollar is pretty much shoehorned into place; it feels like a story that was edited to fit the anthology and the stretch marks show.  Dad with the elephant is pretty trippy though.  What the hell is that about?  I love it.

One Dollar Down has a few too many distasteful details for my liking, going places this story does not necessarily need to go.  The callback to the beginning of the film is nice, but most of this stuff is just gross, and I simply cannot see it working on film.  Honestly.  Maybe that feeling is just me, but bear in mind, I am also the guy who found dry humping a Pepsi machine with a severed penis to be pretty funny.  But huge wads of crap and mouth-to-mouth vomiting?  Not so much.

On the whole, I feel this is pretty strong.  There are certainly some things I would do differently if this were mine, but I can understand most of the choices you have made without necessarily agreeing with them.  It's a matter of taste.

The front-to-back arc of your narrative device is nice, but I don't feel that many of these stories are as integrated as they might be.  If you are going to use this dollar as your tie-in, it needs to be more prominent, and more clearly the same dollar (if such a thing is possible).

If you could use the device to transition smoothly between these stories -- passing from character to character, instead of fade to black and cue up the next story -- I think that kind of cohesiveness would improve what you've got going on here.

But again, nice work as a whole, with a variety of tones on display.  I enjoyed reading this.

Been writing this on the fly so haven’t read previous comments.  Apologies if I’m repeating points or bringing up issues already addressed.

Simple but effective opener with the jukebox and song choice -- checked it out, think you set a good tone for what’s to come.  

Inventive, off-the-wall scenarios with some genuinely creepy moments.  Not quite the ‘horror’ I was expecting, more a throwback to slasher style violence and pulp gore with darkly (borderline perverse in places) humorous undertones.  It brought to mind the likes of Braindead and Hobo with a Shotgun -- no bad thing.  The only drawback with this is approach is that some of the segments felt too straight-forward.  Though each story stood out in character and concept, the execution seemed to fall back on violence to entertain.
  
Gratuity Violence:

Liked that the set-up referenced into the later Fare Punishment -- the mystery to MIlo and Gacy worked well enough to make me read on but taken on its own the ending fell flat.  The idea is well presented, but as an intro piece you could be gambling with the reader to continue.  This should be a stand out story that pulls us further into your world.  A deeper twist or obstacle could go a long way.

The gullible/dictionary line felt tired as did the Elderly Woman’s closing line.  

Who is Oliver? Left over from a previous draft?

Tooth for a Tooth:

This feels like a ‘safer’ more traditional Tales of the Crypt style horror.  Works as a stand-alone, but feels out of step with the darker, pulpier feel of the rest.

Larry’s growing frustration added some tension to the execution but I’m not sure it lived up to its potential.  I’d like to have seen the horror ramped up a notch with Larry incapacitated -- more at the mercy of the Tooth-Fairy rather than his ten year old daughter.

Fare Punishment:

Creepy vibe here as the earlier strands start to come together.  Totally forgot about the Homeless Man from the opener (is this the idea behind the Homeless Man throughout?)  Especially liked the driver reversing to wind back the fare.  Not sure how we jumped to Gacy deciding to murder Milo, but then it’s not one to dwell on too deeply.  

Soda Machine:

Remember this one from a while back -- remember liking it too.  It works (for me) because it doesn’t ask the audience to believe the situation.  It’s two men fighting to the death over a sexually aware vending machine -- the violence, though over the top, compliments the concept.

My main thought is how the violence, and more explicit nature of the story here (and elsewhere) contrasts to the likes of ‘A Tooth…’  I wonder if the audience for one would get much from the other?

Extreme Violins:

A personal favourite.   At first I wanted to know why the Violinist was harassing Stanley -- but in the end I didn’t care.  His relentless pursuit, and the morbid humour in the repetition of his playing is what makes this work.

Couple of suggestions: firstly I wouldn’t have Stanley drag him onto the tracks -- knowing what’s in store for this hapless Passerby is (IMO) a far better payoff.  Second, I’d consider showing Stanley more harried/desperate from the outset -- stressed about money/job etc.  Think this would transition better into his later desperation.

Don’t forget the Lime:

A brooding sense of menace in the set-up, though for me it never fully delivered.  Again a little too straight-forward in execution.  The laugh track added a dimension, but it felt like an afterthought rather than an idea built into the set-up.  Was this supposed to be a dark take on a sit-com?  If so, draw on those conventions and subvert them to wring more from the pay-off.

P.53 - ‘Sally follows Frank around the kitchen, trying to evade her,
a beer in his fist.’ -- sentence construction feels off.  

p.55 -- Is Charlie in the closet at this point?  

Ian the Impossible:

Wanted to like this more.  The webcam perspective lent a nice touch of reality and brings urgency.  Think you could take Ian’s character further, really have some fun with his dialogue -- especially with the theme music egging him on.

The Masked Man angle was where you lost me.  Given the single POV it’s hard to show what he wants (is this personal? A home invasion gone wrong?)  Given his sudden appearance I had no investment in his demise.

How about combining the Masked Man with Adam to make him the subject of Ian’s powers?  Adam’s already portrayed as unlikeable -- I’d consider taking it further by making him an abusive drunk.  The domestic violence could be suggested (audibly) off camera.  It gives us more of a reason to root for Ian and want to see this guy get his comeuppance.

Blue Elephant in the Room:

Felt like the centre-piece of the anthology.

I do think it’s important to set-up Penelope; though that said the stomping scene was uncomfortable.  More a personal reaction, but I wonder if it’s too much?  

That aside I could see this unfolding onscreen.  Echoes of the Soda Machine might make the ending a tad familiar.  A bigger problem for me was how we go from Carl in love with Stacy to her subsequent murder and him humping the stuffed elephant.  Again it’s not one to dig deep on but I wonder if that works against what was such a deftly handled set-up?

Could do with an earlier hint as to what Stacy ‘wants’ from Carl -- i.e. his money I’m guessing.

p.75 -- ‘Jason stand like at a claw machine.’

p.86 -- ‘Not me, you.’  -- Good stuff.

One Dollar Down:

Not sure about Joe’s picture in the newspaper giving it away -- couldn’t a cop put it together with the face and band-aid alone?  Not a big issue, but would there be a better way to handle this.

George filming the bar could work in your favour.  Joe being inadvertently filmed fresh from a murder could be an angle to work with here. Just a thought.

Again, violent and amusingly inappropriate but no real ‘horror/scares’ per-se.  Like the opener, I felt this final segment could have benefitted with an extra twist.  The presence of the Homeless Man works well to bookend, but feels undeveloped.  He’s simply a presence -- menacing, though undefined.  As the dollar bill gives us a visual cue to tie these stories together the Homeless Man could provide or hint at a common theme.  I’d consider working in/hinting at a mythology for this character.  More so that when we come back to him in the final segment we have some understanding of what his presence represents -- or at least what Joe’s up against.

The characters and scenarios are what make this work.  While I’ve some issues/opinions with the content and execution, each segment stood out to make an entertaining whole.

Hope some of this helps.  As ever, it’s just my opinion.  Best of luck, would love to see this work out for you both.  

Steve.

Thanks, Bert and Steve, for checking this out!

Yes! More "The Soda Machine" fans! It's by far my personal favorite. And I do believe both of you read and commented on Soda Machine (as well as Tooth for a Tooth) when they were posted here under "Shorts" a year or two ago.

I agree with both of you on the one found footage tale "Mr. Impossible"... the face in the window, masked man part of the story needs to be fleshed out more. I like Steven's suggestion that maybe I should combine Masked Man and Adam in some way. After all, Adam is probably considered the villain in this story despite the Masked Man breaking in. Also agree that the Masked Man home invasion kind of comes out of nowhere w/ no set up other than us seeing his face in the window.

I believe Bert addressed a few things in terms of connecting each tale in some way. I thought about having the dollar take us from story to story ala "Cat's Eye"... the original idea behind this anthology was a collaborative with several writers and having a different director for each tale (directors I've come to know over the years who've expressed interest in directing something I've written). It was supposed to be micro-budget film... the way I wanted to put it together was very similar to ABC's of Death... just random tales. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work out. I'm not quite "producer savvy" in that way, not great with paperwork unless it's just me. So I decided to write all of them myself (with the exception of Steven Mandolla's Don't Forget the Lime).

I was considering having characters cross over into other tales throughout, but I do kind of like the randomness and low-budget feel of the structure I have now... the dollar traveling from tale to tale sounds like a good idea, too, but perhaps for another, neater film. Maybe for the sequel. There is a presence of either a unidentifiable homeless man (we never see his face) or ominous shadow (could be homeless man -- or the tooth fairy). I do agree that there should be more of a spine, though. In some way.

Yeah, this was definitely intended to be a throwback to silly 80s horror films... wasn't really concerned with scares. In fact, the intention was more horror/comedy... as Steven Miles said, of the "Hobo With a Shotgun" ilk. And as Bert mentioned, many of the tales don't really exist in this world/dimension... this is far from reality, especially with character reactions and motivations. It's supposed to be silly, but fun and entertaining. Glad both of you had fun reading it! Definitely considering a lot of what you guys mentioned for improvements in the second draft...

-- Michael

What if the masked man from Mister Impossible was a rancher who wants to avenge his horse?  

Ha! I'll save that for my Spaghetti Western anthology...

Read the first one. I could point out this and that with the writing, but over all it wouldn't make a difference to the story, or to anyone reading it. I felt a little disappointed with the first one when it descended so quickly into a slasher. I think more of a build up is needed, unless the waitress was already a psycho... but it seemed like you wanted to give the impression it was her job that drove her to it.

To that end, I think more can be done to show the stresses of her life. At the moment it doesn't feel there is quite enough to warrant the sudden rampage. I think we need to see every possible hardship a waitress has to endure throughout her working life in the space of a few minutes before we can fully appreciate her actions.

With that said, it's a good short, well written. I'll get to the others as and when. Nice job, lads.