Quoted from JackF Yes, I know I didn't use Final Draft.

Final Draft isn't a requirement unless asked for... by then, you'll have enough cash earned from this game to buy it.

Code FADE IN INT. LABORATORY – TIMELESS A CCTV room. An operator is asleep, in front of all his screens that go black one after another. There is a walkie-talkie on the table, a voice starts yelling from it.

FADE IN:

If you're going to use it, then use a full colon.

If it's a CCTV room, then say so in the slug. One second we're in a lab, the next you're describing a security room. You could do something like this:

INT. LABORATORY – CCTV ROOM - DAY

The first time you introduce a new character, even a bit player, you put it in uppercase, like so:

OPERATOR

Using 'is' too much slows down the read and therefore activeness of your writing. So, using your own words, your first line of action could go something like this (mostly using your own words):

An OPERATOR sleeps in front of a bank of screens that go
black one after another.


Starts and Begins are also not very active. Avoid them So, your second line of action would go something like this (using your own words):

A voice yells through a walkie-talkie on the table.

Very good advice.

Quoted from JackF   Let's say the project is on stand-by.

All of my stuff is on standby as well. Come to think of it, i'll just standby myself

I don't totally agree with you Dustin.

If you read any further you'll see this:

CUT TO:
A corridor corner

So we have to pass from one spot (the CCTV room) to another, inside the laboratory, and we have to do it very quickly.

And I didn't put the operator character in uppercase because that character is totally inactive.


@Tony, my project is on stand-by as submitted to a production company

All new characters must be in Uppercase, regardless. Screenwriting 101.

Quoted from JackF If you read any further you'll see this: CUT TO: A corridor corner So we have to pass from one spot (the CCTV room) to another, inside the laboratory, and we have to do it very quickly.

Why do we? Must this be filmed to your precise specification, right down to the dimensions of the set?

Separate locations require separate slugs. The CCTV room could be filmed in an entirely different location and made to look like part of the same set. If the Scientist from the lab were to say to her assistant, I'm just going to check on John. Then in the next scene she opens a door to the CCTV room and there's a security guy with a name badge JOHN... what will the viewer think?

The CCTV room could be anywhere, but the viewer will believe it is somehow connected to the lab. They don't need to see the entire layout of the building.

You could even have the lab in one place, the corridors in another and the CCTV room in yet another still.

@Dustin
In the scene as I wrote it, the CCTV room and that corridor are inside the lab.

Anybody else wanting this changed, no problem - everything you said is correct and interesting but it's more the director's and location manager's concern (if the story is ever produced of course).

Quoted from JackF @Dustin In the scene as I wrote it, the CCTV room and that corridor are inside the lab. Anybody else wanting this changed, no problem - everything you said is correct and interesting but it's more the director's and location manager's concern (if the story is ever produced of course).

I understand that. What you don't understand is that those separate areas are separate locations so need separate slugs.

INT. LAB - CCTV ROOM - DAY

INT. LAB - CORRIDOR - DAY

It is not the directors job to correctly format a screenplay.

It's not about using Final Draft. It's about knowing what goes where and when to use what.

If I didn't know about this, I wouldn't and couldn't have written any film script. This is not my first feature-length one. Read it and maybe you'll have an idea about how much I know.

Anyway, the script is 'formatted'. Lessons taken I guess Thanks Dustin.

Hello Jack

Have to say, I am a huge Alex Garland fan. I read The Beach about five times whilst on my travels.  So, as you can imagine, this caught my eye.

The concept isn't yours, that goes without saying. I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time for writing, what I assume to be a writing exercise on your behalf.

Although, I struggled to get past page three. Not to be harsh, but the writing needs tightened up.

An OPERATOR is asleep = An OPERATOR sleeps.

A DOOR SUPERVISOR is lying in a corner =  A DOOR SUPERVISOR lies in the corner. ..or is it lay, ah, need to check that.

Your over all action is bland, Your dialogue is on the nose,  and you use a lot of colourless and redundant words throughout.

Okay, so I'm being a little harsh. But, congrats on finishing a feature, that is an achievement.

Do a couple of rewrites and repost,  and I will happily take another look.

Good luck

Stuart

Hello Stuart,

I know the concept isn't mine, that's why I credited Alex Garland. I'm a huge fan of his work as well.

There are many ways to say something and write it, and I guess one is as good as another. Also, I don't know what you mean by 'colourless words'. Anyway.

It's not exactly a writing exercise. And it's not the first feature I manage to finish.

Hi Jack

I sense, you didn't appreciate my feedback, apologies if I offended you or your screenplay. So I will make this my last post on the subject.

There are many ways to write, with many different styles. Although in screenwriting, its best to keep your writing tight and to the point. For instance: Dropping words like, is, are, the...etc.

Colourless words are plain, less dressy, they don't paint a picture that induces emotion, making it hard to visualize.  

Good luck

Stuart

Hey Stuart,

No, you didn't offend me at all. I use everything that is told me for improvement.

I just don't agree with you, especially about dropping 'the', 'is', are' etc. you can't write a script without all this.

Writing a script is about showing what's supposed to happen on the screen and only that. It depends on the reader's personality when it comes to emotion and other feelings.

Thanks, Jack

Hi Jack

Most would show a little gratitude, even if they don't like the feedback, by saying cheers or something along those lines, that's why I thought you were offended.

Also, I didn't mean for you to drop all those words, because that would be ridiculous.  Just to drop them, where they weren't needed, as I stated in my first post.

Cheers

Stuart