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I took another peek to see if Jack actually knows what he's talking about.
The script FADE INs on page 2. I get it that you're not using a professional program, but even on Word, you can fix this.
TIMELESS isn't a time of day. Is it DAY or NIGHT?
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An OPERATOR is asleep, in front of all his screens that go black one after another.
This sentence doesn't make sense. I get that he's asleep, but then what happens? Do the TVs lose their power, or do the TVs lose the live feed from the cameras? Both show different things. Would it be better, story wise, if some kind of error pops up? CONNECTION LOST TO CAMERA 1, CAMERA 2, CAMERA 3, and so forth?
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A voice yells through a walkie-talkie on the table.
How about you just show us a voice yelling through a radio?
VOICE ON RADIO (V/O) Charlie to CCTV. Do you copy? Hey Reg, you alive?
If you like the transitions, for pacing, or your own enjoyment, leave them in but most writers don't use them anymore. It's up to you but I think they're a waste.
I'm not sure what a door supervisor is. Show us that he's a level or two above the Operator. Better looking suit? Different colored badge?
Your descriptions need work. Right now, they're flat. No energy. No pulse. No excitement. Something is obviously happening that should be exciting, but I'm bored.
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He reaches a larger corridor, with many doors on both walls. The loud voices sound to come from one of the rooms in the back.
How does he reach the larger corridor? Does he come to a turn? He uses his security badge to open a set of doors? Show us, don't tell us. This is elementary screenwriting concepts. Also, you've got that orphan.
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He sees a group of people coming out from one of those rooms (three men, one of them in a white overall, and a woman), then running straight to him, faster and faster, snarling ferociously. But the heavy pain stops him from quickly realizing what's happening. When he finally does, it's too late.
SHOW ME.
Three MEN - one in a blood stained white overall - and a WOMAN crash through the heavy door and snarl. Door supervisor holds his breath. Then the crackle of his radio breaks the silence. The overalled man slowly turns his neck, exposing the torn flesh at his collar, and flares his nose.
The MAN lunges, followed by the others.
Door supervisor stumbles back, tries to open the door but he drops his security card.
He falls to his knees as the blooded man knocks him over. The Door Supervisor's scream is silenced as he feels his throat torn from his neck.
I don't know if we need three men in a woman. Why not one? Two at the most?
If you have 96 pages of the same, no thanks. I can appreciate the dedication and the work that goes into writing a feature, but in my opinion, this script could be so much better.
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It depends on the reader's personality when it comes to emotion and other feelings.
That attitude does a great disservice to your readers. It's lazy. Try harder. As a writer, it's our responsibility to pull the yarn and bring the writer where we want them to be. To use an analogy, we are the human. The story is the yarn. Your readers are kittens who really want to play with that yarn, and we drag the yarn around the living room, and the kitten tries his best to follow. He wants the yarn.
As a writer, we don't let him have the yarn until we want him to. Maybe we give him the yarn for a few seconds but pull it away really fast and the kitten has to catch up. If we don't give the kitten what he wants, at least a little bit, the kitten will tire and move on to something else. We do not want our readers to be the kitten that gets excitement from something else.
My personality has nothing to do with how I read anything.
Now, that was entertaining. Seeing you guys go back and forth like that. Jack way to stick up for yourself, but you have realize Tony’s first comment if nothing else should tell you people are looking for a reason to say “PASS,” don’t give it to them especially a simple fixes. I agree with Dustin the log line needs work, and you shouldn’t count on the audience knowledge as a pass for not generating your own hook. However, I don’t think you’re trying to steel anyone’s idea, and I’ve seen a few “remakes,” “re-imagining” whatever you want to call it, so. But, Dustin does point out some legit issues and easy fixes such as the CCTV slug line. I read about 15 pages before I got distracted in that the words struggled to create a clear picture, also, the pacing didn’t fit for me.
Good luck, man. Don’t forget to check other’s scripts and comment.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
I decided to take a look here and see what the fuss was about, and it is fairly evident what folks are telling you.
I think your defenses are going up because you misinterpret these comments as telling you the writing is poor. That is not the case, but it is not "quite" right for a screenplay.
You are being given some broad, general comments that will help if you can make yourself open to hearing them.
I see you also write books, and that is probably part of the problem. You have obviously studied up on screenplay format, but what you seem to have missed is that you need to "shift gears" a bit in how you use verbs. There is an "immediacy" to screenplays that is different from long-form prose. The form is different in a variety of subtle ways.
To be fair, I skipped to points late in the script to ensure you are doing this throughout, and you do.
* "A shape is standing on the outside" should be "A shape stands outside" * "They see a soldier entering the frame" should be "A soldier enters the frame" * "Robert starts sobbing, violently" should be "Robert sobs violently"
I just don't agree with you, especially about dropping 'the', 'is', are' etc. you can't write a script without all this.
You are right that this is, of course, an extreme and absurd generalization. There is no iron-clad rule, but where you can do without them, you really should. Same goes for verbs ending in "ing".
If this script is being shopped around, you would be well served to at least tighten things up a bit in this regard.
Once done -- and you read it through again -- I suspect you'll be glad you did.
One question, how can a so poorly written script get so popular?
@ABennettWriter - thanks for your feedback but I believe you ask too much from a script. You're asking for descriptions that are convenient for a novel, not really for a script - you're asking for things you wouldn't care about as you watch the produced film version - the level between a door supervisor and a CCTV operator for instance. Basically no viewer would care about that.
As the screens go black, why should I specify what happens? The script is a prequel to a famous film. Did you see it? If you did, then you can guess what happens. If you didn't, then it's suggested by the events occurring later on.
I guess you didn't see '28 Days Later' - if you had seen this film, you'd know that there are three men (one in a white overall) and one woman inside the lab as the virus is unleashed. You'd also know that the voice from the male researcher in the white overall, inside the lab, as he sees the activists breaking in - his voice breaking through the radio is not "Charlie to CCTV. Do you copy? Hey Reg, you alive?" but "Security, we have a break-in, get to Section...".
Also, you seem to forget that the door supervisor is recovering from a knock-down. He's not using a security card, and he doesn't make a turn, he just keeps walking and reaches this corridor on a side.
Still, I agree with you about the lack of energy. I'll work on that.
@bert I believe the problem may come from the fact that English is not my native language. I'm French, as I told Tony in my very first comment. Thanks for your advice.
Still, if you get through the script, you'll see that I use the present tense all the time, even when I use the -ing that adds to the immediacy - and I did that only once or twice. And when I use 'start' (He starts sobbing) it's in order to be more specific about an action that goes on instead of stopping right away.
I have updated the script several times, following what is said here, but I also have the right not to agree with everything.
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28 Hours Later
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