Hey Cindy...
...at first glance, a typical horror story. You managed to mix in a bit of comedy too, which I thought worked. Of course, your script doesn't completely avoid horror clichés. Not that it's a bad thing, they've worked for years.
Clearly you opted for suspense and an overall creepy atmosphere to blood and guts! That said, there was certainly violence, but not overly explicit or gimmicky. But then again - extra blood and gore don't always equal a more terrifying movie. That I know of -
I couldn't really pinpoint a main character. If I was a betting man - I'd put my money on Billy. So I'll just focus on the main three. BILLY, SARAH, and her love interest MICHAEL.
I think good character development is so important in order to create real horror. I think a lot of studios just don't have that kind of patience now days. I'm talking real characters, ones with emotion and depth.
We get to spend a lot of time getting to know these three. Clearly, Billy is tormented by KEVIN's death. he feels guilty. I get that. But the incident with him and Chad in the park. Good, but I think this could be a nice turning point for him. You know, channeling that anger, grief, maybe he takes a more active role in trying to find out what happened... at some point.
Sarah and Billy are like-able. But Michael, not so much. A douche bag, a really sleazy guy. He's jealous and wants Billy out the way, too. Unfortunately he was extremely annoying. I hate to assume anything or try and read a writer's tea leaves, but I think it's how you wanted it. If it is, then it worked. I wanted to punch him.
I was hoping you would kill him off, but you didn't follow the program. I mean, in most slasher films with lots of teens, (not saying yours is. Just an example) who have sex die almost immediately thereafter. And if you're a bad person, bitchy teen, grouchy drunk, or just a sleaze bucket like him, you'll die.
And perhaps it's not always a good thing to really hope that certain characters die, but in the horror world, it's almost expected. The first time Michael went into the Maloy's house, I was like -- yes, but then you sprung that little twist. That jump scare. But then he went back in.
I wanted to rewrite the scene myself and do it for you. But after finishing.... well, maybe it was a good idea you didn't. Matter of fact, he added another dimension to the creep factor. JMHO.
Must be a pretty safe neighborhood, leaving your windows and doors unlocked. I mean, two guys massacres the family next door. All mine would be locked. But Hector seemed to move freely between the Maloy's house and Sarah's. Needless to say, it was quite creepy, especially the shower scene with Sarah... to name a few.
Hector had plenty of chances to kill them off one-by-one, but didn't. I liked this exchange. You made it pay off in the end.
Code
SARAH
-- His father also taught me how to
shoot.
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Some of the logic needs polishing. The police procedures.
The scene when the gang first encounter the two detectives (MAC and JOHN). I think it runs too long. Second, I don't think the cops would be forthcoming with that much information.
A caveat, you did cut inside the house, so that's good. And our first "WTF?!" moment.
The fact that Hector was still there, which was good and surprisingly shocking. That said, when cops go over a crime scene, they usually conduct a pretty thorough search. I think they would have found him. Or maybe Hector came back, but unless I missed something, I don't think so. So I had to suspend my disbelief.
You wanted Hector to overhear the conversation?
But having said that, a lot of police departments are known for doing shoddy work at times. Maybe it's the case here. It's plausible. Regardless. I'd still consider shortening some it. It runs from page 7 to about 16.
When Mac and John find the dead reporter. An active crime scene. The ROOKIE COP. At first they tell him to call for back up, but then tell him to go back to the station. Here, a better choice would have been for Mac and John to still have him make the call, but then have him secure the scene instead.
That dialogue exchange between Mac and John after the Rook leaves would still work.
Again, Mac holsters his gun to help move an injured Ron from the house. I don't think any normal cop would do that, not with a killer nearby. Matter of fact, I don't think they would have took the time to remove the body...just yet. Of course, if they had the Rookie with them, he could have. JMHO. I could be wrong.
Page 80. That whole scene - when Hector enters the house -- we've got Julie, Ron, Johnny, Michael, Sharon, and Billy. No one tried to get out of the house initially. It basically turns into a game of hide and go seek. If you are being chased do not run to a silly location to escape, for example up the stairs, like they did except Michael, the coward, who decided to hide behind a couch. Eventually Michael does run out.
But I get it. I probably would have just had Billy, Johnny, and Sharon go upstairs. And instead of having Ron and Julie follow... have them attempt to run out the door before Hector grabs Julie and does his thing.
Look, clichés aren't always a problem. I'm just trying to get you to usefully employ them for future reference. Too often they are lazily put into screenplays or pasted into films without any real thought behind them.
The last fifteen minutes of the third act feels kinda rushed, but nail-biting. I see why you focused so much on the baseball card in the beginning. It was very symbolic in the end.
The first time Sarah fires. Did she actually hit Hector or did she miss. It wasn't clear.
I believe it should be "Halt."
Page 29, a slug needs fixing. You'll see it.
The happy ending was extremely Hollywood-esque.
A minor plot-hole stood out, but it escapes me at the moment. I might have to go back through it. Okay, that's all I've got for now. It's late, long day and night, and my brains are scrambled. Forgive my spelling errors. Just some suggestions, but I hope you find something useful.
However, it was very refreshing to read something new from you. There's a lot to like, low budget being one of them.
But alas, all good things must come to an end, as do my comments.
Ghostie