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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Only Oscar Knows Moderators: bert
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  Author    Only Oscar Knows  (currently 3626 views)
CindyLKeller
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,
I'm glad that you don't like Michael.  He  doesn't have a clue about anyone  other than himself.
Sarah is lonely after losing her husband. She has been with Michael for a short while and  had never seen him like that.
I was wondering if anyone was going to call me out on their names. Lol

Thanks or giving it a read,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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The  new draft is up. Similar with small changes that I think make it work better.

Thank you, Don.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 3rd, 2016, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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I see my script, this script,  keeps getting a bunch of new hits every day.

It would be nice if whoever is reading it would leave a comment.
Good or bad. A comment would be nice.

Otherwise, I feel like this is kinda' strange.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 4th, 2016, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy

I looked into your script yesterday and stopped at p27.

Sure, I could read on but there were points concerning execution I completely dislike and so I choose to make it clear with putting it into discussion without reading further.

I come later to that and first
before you puke all over at me , I better point out that your premise and story is exceptional interesting from what I read so far. Even that unique I need to add some spoilers which isn't that often me reading a script here.


SPOILERS SPOILERS

You got two identical looking killers, I guess twins, their clothes, their weapons – hammers; this all rocks and I was hooked from p5. Very remarkable. Oscar getting caught naked, chain smoking in the garden, exceptional, while Hector is hiding up in the attic, unique stuff. All of them now think they got the killer, they're safe, but there's this twin monster now lurking in the neighborhood and more than that he's actually living at the crime of scene. WHAT? That all is a top quality concept. And a great set-up so far. Additionally, I also liked what's going on with Michael that suspicious idiot.

SPOILERS END


I even like the "general" situation of our main character still having a babysitter at the age of 11. His parents divorced, him living with his over careful mother, him disliking her friend and, of course, not least his best friend murdered.

What bothered me is how you executed that situation. There was so much drama.

Sarah, I completely dislike her and how you've written her. She got so much dialogue and screen time as if I partly read a feel good soap opera, centerd on mom.

Example from the porch scene: Sarah to Billy

"you're my son"
"I love you"
"…with all of my heart"
"You're all I got"
"I'd lose my mind if…"

Sure, there is other information in between about Michael, the death of his dad and babysitter Sharon. But somehow you need to find a way to deliver it faster, in 2,3, or 4 dialogues at best.

That's not all. Sarah, every time she interacts, you exactly add how she means what throughout the play, without trusting we already understood her mother attitude.

She nods with approval, looks here, thinks that. More than that every nod is connected to an adjective or adverb. Why?

She comments and controls your whole play. And all of those tiny interactions of her become close-ups in my head since I follow your story attentively. Think about.

I believe you overestimate those interactions completely. They annoy. Since you already established Sarah you should rather trust the reader to understand her without writing every nod and look on the page or let her non-stop babble.

Make Sarah the sub she is. Not a protagonist as written.

Cut the dialogues; compress the drama to high intense moments and interactions only, which say all you want to deliver in a quick way. Go in depth with few words, instead of a dragging soap opera atmosphere. Serve the horror genre not the tragedy drama...

Some notes:

P1
Lights are on inside  --- 2 times used

"Kevin thinks that's a tough one"  --- not like that.

P5
Only thing I dislike about the introduction of Hector and Oscar is I got no facial description, no features, hair, an expression something at least.

P7 counter counter

P12 bloody Pentagram –-- originality check?

P22
Things start to move. Sarah talking to the suspicious guy, there she is much more satisfying character for a horror play.

P23
There's suspense. The script should move more within that part of the story. In my book, we should be at p15-17 at this point.

Last catch: Sarah and Sharon. I constantly mixed them up. Especially when their name is capitalized in the dialogue boxes.


Bottom line: I think you derailed a lot. I got too many information about things I don't want to read about (f.i. I stopped at the description of the contents of the freezer) instead of those I'm interested in - the Killers' faces. I want to experience movement. I want to know more, quicker. But you brake and brake and brake the story with unnecessary stuff and endless extensive drama talks and looks and nods and details. You lose trust that way- so I quit before reading more of that.

The premise is still extraordinary. Maybe try to get a look on your execution from the outside and rethink it. Writing an intense 85 page script isn't a shame.

Actually, I would even advise to not change one single thing - only cut and cut the bad from the good. The valuable core already lies in the quantity. Red marker time.

That's just my opinion. Don't take it to heart.

I like the story lying behind the curtain pretty much.
There's a lot highly intriguing stuff that should be drawn into the spotlight imo.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
PrussianMosby  -  August 4th, 2016, 6:54pm
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Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2016, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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This isn't going to be the most prodigious first post but ... Yeh - what he said. I stopped because i found myself skipping over bits of dialogue/exposition - which generally means they're unnecessary. Trim it down and i'd have another go.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 4:49am Report to Moderator
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PrussianMosby,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my script.
I do appreciate it.

Yes, I see what you mean, and I do agree.
There will be another rewrite.

Thank you again.

Alex,
I will let you know when the rewrite is up.
Thank you  for taking time with this one.


Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Yo,

I try to give you a motivation boost for your rewrite since I must sound negative and repetitive.

What I wrote in the spoilers is real. And with more distance now I gotta say ---- it's so remarkable. It's even genius. I know it has no worth what I think, but I definitely will be there.

I dislike Horror in general – then your stuff is the game to play



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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 7th, 2016, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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PrussianMosby,

That's very kind  of you to say.
I will be working on this later in the week.

Thank you again.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Marcela
Posted: October 30th, 2018, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy. Interesting title. I read only first 5 pages.
Some redundancies such as “reaches for a phone on the counter. She makes a call.” 'She reaches for the phone" would be enough.
On page 2 we hear Billy saying something. We don’t see Billy, but what’s his voice like? Young? Old? Soft or drunk?
Marcela


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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 31st, 2018, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Marcela,
You've brought up a good point about his voice.
I will be going over this one again after the holidays (very busy time at work).
Thanks for giving it a look.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 24
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