Hey Cindy
I looked into your script yesterday and stopped at p27.
Sure, I could read on but there were points concerning execution I completely dislike and so I choose to make it clear with putting it into discussion without reading further.
I come later to that and first
before you puke all over at me
, I better point out that your premise and story is exceptional interesting from what I read so far. Even that unique I need to add some spoilers which isn't that often me reading a script here.
SPOILERS SPOILERS
You got two identical looking killers, I guess twins, their clothes, their weapons – hammers; this all rocks and I was hooked from p5. Very remarkable. Oscar getting caught naked, chain smoking in the garden, exceptional, while Hector is hiding up in the attic, unique stuff. All of them now think they got the killer, they're safe, but there's this twin monster now lurking in the neighborhood and more than that he's actually living at the crime of scene. WHAT? That all is a top quality concept. And a great set-up so far. Additionally, I also liked what's going on with Michael that suspicious idiot.
SPOILERS END
I even like the "general" situation of our main character still having a babysitter at the age of 11. His parents divorced, him living with his over careful mother, him disliking her friend and, of course, not least his best friend murdered.
What bothered me is how you executed that situation. There was so much drama.
Sarah, I completely dislike her and how you've written her. She got so much dialogue and screen time as if I partly read a feel good soap opera, centerd on mom.
Example from the porch scene: Sarah to Billy
"you're my son"
"I love you"
"…with all of my heart"
"You're all I got"
"I'd lose my mind if…"
Sure, there is other information in between about Michael, the death of his dad and babysitter Sharon. But somehow you need to find a way to deliver it faster, in 2,3, or 4 dialogues at best.
That's not all. Sarah, every time she interacts, you exactly add how she means what throughout the play, without trusting we already understood her mother attitude.
She nods with approval, looks here, thinks that. More than that every nod is connected to an adjective or adverb. Why?
She comments and controls your whole play. And all of those tiny interactions of her become close-ups in my head since I follow your story attentively. Think about.
I believe you overestimate those interactions completely. They annoy. Since you already established Sarah you should rather trust the reader to understand her without writing every nod and look on the page or let her non-stop babble.
Make Sarah the sub she is. Not a protagonist as written.
Cut the dialogues; compress the drama to high intense moments and interactions only, which say all you want to deliver in a quick way. Go in depth with few words, instead of a dragging soap opera atmosphere. Serve the horror genre not the tragedy drama...
Some notes:
P1
Lights are on inside --- 2 times used
"Kevin thinks that's a tough one" --- not like that.
P5
Only thing I dislike about the introduction of Hector and Oscar is I got no facial description, no features, hair, an expression something at least.
P7 counter counter
P12 bloody Pentagram –-- originality check?
P22
Things start to move. Sarah talking to the suspicious guy, there she is much more satisfying character for a horror play.
P23
There's suspense. The script should move more within that part of the story. In my book, we should be at p15-17 at this point.
Last catch: Sarah and Sharon. I constantly mixed them up. Especially when their name is capitalized in the dialogue boxes.
Bottom line: I think you derailed a lot. I got too many information about things I don't want to read about (f.i. I stopped at the description of the contents of the freezer) instead of those I'm interested in - the Killers' faces. I want to experience movement. I want to know more, quicker. But you brake and brake and brake the story with unnecessary stuff and endless extensive drama talks and looks and nods and details. You lose trust that way- so I quit before reading more of that.
The premise is still extraordinary. Maybe try to get a look on your execution from the outside and rethink it. Writing an intense 85 page script isn't a shame.
Actually, I would even advise to not change one single thing - only cut and cut the bad from the good. The valuable core already lies in the quantity. Red marker time.
That's just my opinion. Don't take it to heart.
I like the story lying behind the curtain pretty much.
There's a lot highly intriguing stuff that should be drawn into the spotlight imo.