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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Corpse Flower Moderators: bert
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  Author    Corpse Flower  (currently 7169 views)
Don
Posted: September 9th, 2016, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Corpse Flower by Michael J Kospiah - Horror with a hint of Sci-Fi and elements of Slasher, Home Invasion, Kidnapping, Revenge with a twist of Supernatural - After a brutal home invasion, a psychotic mother must go head-to-head with a sadistic plastic surgeon to save her abducted little girl -- a little girl who isn't as innocent as she seems. 98 pages - pdf, format

Revised draft here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6lo0ioVOFhRa19vUTloU05fekE/view?usp=sharing


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  October 13th, 2016, 4:48pm
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Scar Tissue Films
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Hi Michael,

Nice to see another script from you.

Nice title. It definitely stands out from the crowd.

Without going into too much detail, I did think that the sheer number of characters early doors, along with the non-traditional structure, made it hard to really get a feel for the point of view and made it hard to empathise with any particular character in the script.

When you have such a varied story, and so many dramatic lines of action, I think you might  be better off starting off on a more solid,  traditional foundation.

Jolene is a very good character. The rest of the inhabitants of the script are less compelling, in my honest. The fact she has a readily identifiable desire means she pushes the story forward, and I found my empathy going with her (despite her nastiness). That hampers the tension and I'm not sure it's what you intended.

All the best,

Rick

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Scar Tissue Films  -  September 10th, 2016, 1:11pm
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spesh2k
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Hey Rick,

Thanks for giving it a look.

Yeah, the title was the first thing I figured out before the outlining stage.

Not sure what you mean by non-traditional structure, it's not exactly Pulp Fiction or Memento. It's pretty straight forward. If you mean that it doesn't have a clear-cut protagonist, you may be right, though the Tallulah character is probably the most relate-able and has the most screen time, so it may be safe to say that she is protoganist -- her child was taken from her home and she wants to get her back. Her and her daughter's story doesn't really officially start until around page 10, but a major plot point and major part of their backstory is in the intro. And the antagonist's goal is clearly defined before then, that goal having A LOT to do with Tallulah and Lily.

If you look at it, it's structured similarly to "No Country For Old Men", following three characters, each character representing a different point of view, morale, etc. Not really "varied". Each character has a clear goal, character arc, etc. Tallulah wants to get her daughter back. Jolene wants Tallulah's daughter. Lily wants to find her mother. Not too complicated, I don't think. As for empathizing w/ any of the leads, I kinda get you on that one. Though the goals of Tallulah and Lily alone should be enough -- one is a mother who wants to find her child, the other a child who wants to find her mother. I do get that they do some questionable shit in order to attain their goals, which may take away from the empathy, in particular Tallulah. But I did want to blur that line between protag and antag a little bit.

-- Michael



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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It's not the body of the script, it was the very start where we jump from one character to another, back in time, then forwards again.

It was hard to get any sense of specific information, like who they were or what relevance they had.

We go from a very low key, thematic opening, to an intense and unusual action scene, then we're jumping in time, then we're meeting other people.

Obviously I could work it out later, but I had to get down to about page 8 before I felt I had a proper entrance into the story. The opening stuff was a bit of a blur on first read.

It's really hard to film kids at different ages, btw. The difference between 9 and 4 is unbridgeable by the same actress, which means it would have to be another kid, which means it would look extremely odd to audiences. A production company would almost certainly want that scene cut, imo. But maybe that's not your problem.
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spesh2k
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, I see what you mean.

I'm not sure if the child thing is a huge problem... I never saw this story as a low-budget indie... maybe low-budget in terms of a Hollywood type film (10-25 million, possibly lower), so I don't think showing a younger version of the child actor would be too much trouble in that type of production. That said, I show the younger version of Lily when she's lying in bed... she would be under the covers, I guess, so that can be hidden.

We're not really jumping back and forth through time... no flashbacks in the opening (unless you count the thematic opening -- but I don't specify whether or not that was a flashback or not... it's revealed to be a bookend by story's end). We DO jump forward to 5 years later after the early inciting incident.

But I do see what you mean in the first 8 pages, though I don't personally believe it's that confusing. But that it's potentially confusing to some is enough for me to consider altering things a little bit, thanks for pointing that out.

-- Michael



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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dead by dawn
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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This is a good one, guys! Be sure to check it out.
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Jeremiah Johnson
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Michael,

I'm over half way though this but going to finish in the morning.  Won't put any spoilers up yet, but this is an interesting read and moves pretty quick.  Only have a couple of things to point out so far.  Will give you my thoughts on it tomorrow.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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spesh2k
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Cool, JJ, thanks. Think you've commented on most of my work that I've posted here, always appreciated.



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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Jeremiah Johnson
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Michael,

I'm finished.  Thanks for posting this.  Spoilers are ahead.  I only had a few little nit-picks and they are here:

***SPOILERS***

pg 6. The two slugs here probably need some time of day, etc.  I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what's going on.  Thought it was part of the trailer (previous scene) but looks like it's not.  Just clear that up.

pg 33.  At top of the page you have "Lily looks up just as her ride passes the STATION WAGON." Think you meant Jolene because it's in the limousine and Lily isn't in there.

pg 58-59.  The EMTs reaction to the critically ill guy with the knife plunged in his eye doesn't seem right.  Unless you were going with a little humor, I would rethink this.  I think they seemed a little too nonchalant.  Just to me.

Well, most of your budget is going to go to fake blood!  This has to be a buckets of blood award.  Most of the characters die.  If that's what you were going for, you've accomplished it.

Lily's role will be hard to fill because of the young age, but if done right, could give a good creepy feel when she gets angry.  To contrast that with being sweet the rest of the time, will take some performance.  A Linda Blair type girl performance.  Hard to pull off, in my opinion, but not impossible.

I think you've created an interesting character here.  She's got supernatural powers, but with the child-like innocence.  She wants to stop hurting people, but can't.  Mom tries to keep her at bey, but events happen and she can't control it.  Again, good for a child to have this inability to harness the power because she's young.  Plus, Jolene wanting to help her as well worked for me.

Tallulah wants to protect her daugher but knows she really can't stop her from hurting people.  She's strong and stops at nothing to help Lily.  Some of the action involving her is unrealistic, but it's a movie!  She at least bears the scars of the punches, etc.  Maybe just have her hobbling more through some of the action.  Just a thought.

Jolene has motivation of revenge.  I like that you had her keep Dwight's head in the freezer!  Cool (pun intended).  She's very strange.  Maybe because she almost seems like a plastic surgeon that lost her license and still does it on the side for less money or the jobs others won't do.  Maybe she could have a prison record or something because you have her pretty relentless, and usually those kind of people have been caught before.

Everyone else dies!  Just kidding, some live... not many.  Casting would be, "Okay, you die on page 10, you die on page 13, you die on page 23, you die..."  Just having fun.  Hope you weren't going for a PG-13 rating.  

Overall, I did like it.  It read well and kept me in the story the entire time.  It's not really my genre, but your writing was good and wanted to see where it all ended.  I thought the pace was pretty quick which was what I wanted.  The ending was a little Hollywood-esque, but it worked for me okay and don't have a suggestion just yet on a different one.

Good luck with this one!  Budget is pretty high (as you mentioned), but not outrageous.   Thanks for putting this one up.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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spesh2k
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Hey dude, thanks again for checking this out, appreciated as always.


Quoted Text
pg 6. The two slugs here probably need some time of day, etc.  I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what's going on.  Thought it was part of the trailer (previous scene) but looks like it's not.  Just clear that up.


Thanks for catching that. It isn't really necessary, but for consistency sake (I have time of day in the rest of the slugs), I'll add a time of day.


Quoted Text
pg 33.  At top of the page you have "Lily looks up just as her ride passes the STATION WAGON." Think you meant Jolene because it's in the limousine and Lily isn't in there.


Yeah, I caught that after I posted this, already fixed!


Quoted Text
pg 58-59.  The EMTs reaction to the critically ill guy with the knife plunged in his eye doesn't seem right.  Unless you were going with a little humor, I would rethink this.  I think they seemed a little too nonchalant.  Just to me.


Yeah, this was done in that way to inject a little light humor. Will consider some tweaks here.


Quoted Text
Well, most of your budget is going to go to fake blood!  This has to be a buckets of blood award.  Most of the characters die.  If that's what you were going for, you've accomplished it.


I wanted to make a fun slasher film for the splatter-obsessed fans of the genre (such as myself). Of course, it's not a pure slasher as it blends several horror sub-genres, but I kind of wanted to do that to.


Quoted Text
Lily's role will be hard to fill because of the young age, but if done right, could give a good creepy feel when she gets angry.  To contrast that with being sweet the rest of the time, will take some performance.  A Linda Blair type girl performance.  Hard to pull off, in my opinion, but not impossible.


It's hard to find top-notch actors at any age. But I think there's a lot of talented young actresses out there that would be able to pull this off. Was thinking of changing her age to 10 or 11.


Quoted Text
I think you've created an interesting character here.  She's got supernatural powers, but with the child-like innocence.  She wants to stop hurting people, but can't.  Mom tries to keep her at bey, but events happen and she can't control it.  Again, good for a child to have this inability to harness the power because she's young.  Plus, Jolene wanting to help her as well worked for me.


Once she has better control of her powers, she's able to do different things (as the story progresses). But, being raised by her borderline psychotic yet protective mother, her violent ways come more naturally. Her mother wants her stop and control it... but a lot of that has to do with not getting caught -- if her powers become known, it's possible that Lily will be taken away from her. I should probably make that more clear in the next draft. I remember having that at one point but taking out that line of dialogue.


Quoted Text
Tallulah wants to protect her daugher but knows she really can't stop her from hurting people.  She's strong and stops at nothing to help Lily.  Some of the action involving her is unrealistic, but it's a movie!  She at least bears the scars of the punches, etc.  Maybe just have her hobbling more through some of the action.  Just a thought.


I usually give my characters a little back story, a lot of which is not mentioned in the script. Tallulah, in my mind, had military experience (that's how she met Dwight, who was being used by the military for his gifts). In hindsight, I think I can mention that merely with a photo on the shelf or dog tags.


Quoted Text
Jolene has motivation of revenge.  I like that you had her keep Dwight's head in the freezer!  Cool (pun intended).  She's very strange.  Maybe because she almost seems like a plastic surgeon that lost her license and still does it on the side for less money or the jobs others won't do.  Maybe she could have a prison record or something because you have her pretty relentless, and usually those kind of people have been caught before.


Noted. A lot of her craziness comes from the accident when she lost her daughter.


Quoted Text
Everyone else dies!  Just kidding, some live... not many.  Casting would be, "Okay, you die on page 10, you die on page 13, you die on page 23, you die..."  Just having fun.  Hope you weren't going for a PG-13 rating.  


Nope. Going for a good-old fashioned R rated horror flick.


Quoted Text
Overall, I did like it.  It read well and kept me in the story the entire time.  It's not really my genre, but your writing was good and wanted to see where it all ended.  I thought the pace was pretty quick which was what I wanted.  The ending was a little Hollywood-esque, but it worked for me okay and don't have a suggestion just yet on a different one.


Despite all the violence, I still wanted to create a mainstream horror film. Going by the success of "Don't Breathe" (which has some cringe-worthy scenes, one involving semen), I saw an opportunity to create something to please the horror fans without compromising the hallmarks of the slasher genre (though there are no sex scenes or tit shots here).


Quoted Text
Good luck with this one!  Budget is pretty high (as you mentioned), but not outrageous.   Thanks for putting this one up.


Thanks, man, really feel like I can get this made due to some connections I've made over the years (people knowing people). Yeah, the budget will be a little up there, but I can see this getting done for under 20 million. Hopefully, the strong female characters will lure in some talent to attach to this.

And, if this does hit theaters, hopefully we can meet up this time -- I think the last time I had a film in a theater (The Suicide Theory), you had to leave before the Q and A.

Thanks again,

Michael



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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Jeremiah Johnson
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Yeah, I hope this does make it to film.  I sure saw it in my mind which is what you want your reader to do.  I had no trouble with any of this in my mind.  Like I said, it's really not my favorite genre and I still liked it.  That says a lot because I'm old and stuck in my ways!!  I'll keep an eye out for this one.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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spesh2k
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Here's to hoping! We shall see what happens...



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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dead by dawn
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Hey Mike I'm 15 pages in. I dig it so far!
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Warren
Posted: September 20th, 2016, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so Iím 37 pages in and if I didnít have to get back to the real world I would have knocked this over in one sitting.

Wow, totally engrossing. Just my type of thing. Can see it all very clearly in my mind.

First 10 was a crazy ride, I canít see anyone putting it down after that.

At this point I really donít have any criticism, and for me thatís unusual.

Sharp, clean writing, itís a super quick read.

Pg 33 mini slug high heels isnít in bold, you obviously like your bold slugs.

Pg 33 Lily looks up should be Jolene looks up.

I look forward to getting back to this when I have some time, love to see where itís all going.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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spesh2k
Posted: September 21st, 2016, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren,

Thanks for giving it a look, glad you're enjoying it so far. I do have a cleaned-up version w/ out the typos (such as the mistake you saw on Page 33, Lily looking up when it should have been Jolene). But, since it's essentially the same story, I decided not to put that version up. There weren't too many typos (that I saw after a few comb-through's). But if you catch any, cool. I may have missed a few.

The mini-slug with her HIGH HEELS... when I do mini-slugs to draw attention to a specific object, I don't bold-face them. I only bold-face mini-slugs when they're specific locations within the main location shown in the main scene heading.

I always had that quirky-looking actress, Lucy Punch, as Jolene, the antagonist character. She's not super well known as an actress, but if I can get this off the ground a little bit, I'll most definitely be pushing for her in the role. She's just too perfect for it.

Anyway, no rush, glad you're digging it so far. This is a screenplay meant for horror fans (without re-hashing the same old formulas we see in slashers all the time -- though I still enjoy watching those kinds of films). At heart, I guess it is a slasher, but I tried injecting elements from other horror sub-genres.

Thanks again, Warren!

And to anybody else reading or commenting, if you have anything that you'd like me to give a look, let me know. I have a lot of screenwriter friends who send me their stuff to look at. I like helping, especially if you have a contest deadline to meet and you need a fresh set of eyes. I'd prefer well-written material (above novice level) as it's a faster read and I can focus on the story rather than stopping and making notes on the writing itself and other basics. So, if you need me to take a look at something and would like a critique (whether via email or if you have something posted on here that you would like me to comment on), PM me. My schedule isn't too hectic and I'm not starting my next project for another week or so. So, yeah, send me your stuff before my schedule starts picking up again!


-- Michael



The Suicide Theory trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eaXXOKJvtg (available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, Vudu, DVD, etc - 78% Rotten Tomatoes Score)

And check out a teaser trailer for my latest feature film RAGE, to be release late 2020. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ksVXItnu4Y&t=4s
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