I read the first 15 (sorry - that's all I got time for now).

In many places the writing is brilliant! Just top notch. I had a few nits that are more of personal preference rather than criticism.

I would turn the CONT'Ds off. They're distracting and not needed.

Quoted Text LILY (9 years old), skinny and tomboyish, looks up at her.

I would have Lily shake her head no here.

Quoted Text The DRIVER, middle-aged male, lies with his cheek mashed onto the dashboard, looking towards Dwight, the whites of the man’s eyes standing out in contrast to the darkness. Dwight approaches the driver’s side window. Realizes that the Driver is dead. Twisted expression frozen on the man’s face.

You could be a little more efficient with the above passage and I would start with Dwight at the window. Something like:

Dwight approaches the driver’s side window.

An involuntary jerk from Dwight as he  
sees the DRIVER. A middle-aged male, cheek mashed onto
the dashboard. The whites of his dead eyes point directly at Dwight.

I got lost early on some of the timelines. When you introduced Lily as four, I had to go back to the opening to figure out how many years we've gone back. Might be a better way to handle that.

Anyway - superb writing. Entirely engaging.

Quoted from eldave1 I would turn the CONT'Ds off. They're distracting and not needed.

I thought the same thing until I had one of my scripts table read and the readers mentioned how CON'T aids them in picking out their lines.

Just a thought about having the option.

"CONT'D" in dialogue is fine, no matter what peeps tell you.

IMO, it does aid in the read, as we tend to read over tings quickly and kind of auto pilot it much of the time, in terms of Slugs and Dialogue Blocks - having the CONT'D following the character name, makes it clear the same person is speaking again.

Quoted from Dreamscale "CONT'D" in dialogue is fine, no matter what peeps tell you. IMO, it does aid in the read, as we tend to read over tings quickly and kind of auto pilot it much of the time, in terms of Slugs and Dialogue Blocks - having the CONT'D following the character name, makes it clear the same person is speaking again.

True, you will never get dinged for using CONT'D.

I think when the Character's NAME is capped above the dialogue - it is already clear who is speaking. For me - the CONT"D adds nothing and is redundant. But again, it's preference.i

Reviews

Hey Michael

Got to read the script. My thoughts down below:

Spoilers!

This feels like King's firestarter movie.

I would suggest incorporating the agents more in the middle of the story. They only appear near the beginning and the end.

Surprised at the ending. I would've thought the mother would have surrendered. She can at least the child from prison lol.

I liked the dead husband twist. I thought it was the mother but it wasn't.

You need to add more Carson. Or show Gates with Carson near the beginning. When Gates is shown, it just comes out of the blue.

Carson should have more inner ties to Lily's family. What he says when pointing the gun is nuts. Lol. When I was reading that, I was like "your an idiot" lol.

That's all. If anything comes to me I'll let you know. No need to read anything of mines as of yet. I may a feature for you soon.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for checking this out!

Quoted Text This feels like King's firestarter movie.

Yeah, I was kinda going for that (Midnight Special/Stranger Things) but I wanted to execute it in a way that would keep it mostly in the horror genre. Like if "Firestarter" were a slasher film.

Quoted Text I would suggest incorporating the agents more in the middle of the story. They only appear near the beginning and the end.

I might give that a shot. But I don't want this to turn into "Firestarter" where the focus is on the agents. But just maybe a brief scene towards the middle for the rule of 3's sake. I wanted to keep the pace going.

Quoted Text Surprised at the ending. I would've thought the mother would have surrendered. She can at least the child from prison lol.

I think that would have been too "expected". And her thinking (and I'll probably incorporate this more, make it clearer in future drafts) is that the moment is do or die. This is her last chance, her last moment to be "motherly". Though she doesn't want Lily to continue down this path anymore, she doesn't want her to be the subject of the same tests/etc that her ex-husband went through, either. It's an act of desperation -- she knows her and her daughter have no shot of truly getting away and being "free". But she also knows what her daughter is capable of. Maybe I should take out that "I don't want you being like me" line.

Quoted Text I liked the dead husband twist. I thought it was the mother but it wasn't.

I wanted to make this more clear, too -- the reason they're leaving is because Lily killed the husband. If it were revealed that Lily killed him, that would draw some attention and get Lily taken away from Tallulah. Unfortunately, Jolene and her band of men of deer masks disrupt things a bit.

Quoted Text You need to add more Carson. Or show Gates with Carson near the beginning. When Gates is shown, it just comes out of the blue.

Not sure if Gates is out of the blue, though I understand it may seem like that because I name him (which I don't do with two other officers). If I had called him COP#3, it probably wouldn't have seemed that way. Perhaps I could show him with Carson at the beginning.

As for adding more Carson, his death would have more of a payoff I suppose if I showed just a little more. Not sure if that would hurt the pacing/flow of the action. He's not a bad guy really by any means and his death may seem undeserved. But I wanted to, not only show how powerful Lily is, but show that she is continuing down an evil path though her intentions are good (at least she thinks so) -- to get back her mother.

Quoted Text Carson should have more inner ties to Lily's family. What he says when pointing the gun is nuts. Lol. When I was reading that, I was like "your an idiot" lol.

Yeah, tried injecting some off-kilter humor to it, somehow. I believe I've implied that he had enough of a connection to Lily's family. Trying to force that in would put a halt to the action, which is something I wanted to stay away from. Though there may be room for a brief scene somewhere in the middle.

Thanks again, Gabe, all good suggestions. Will definitely take all into consideration.

-- Michael

Hey Michael

Spoilers!

I get it about the agents. Not be a direct copy. But prob just have the agents tailing the deaths.

I never thought Tallueh was a bad mother. She's awesome eventhough her actions are questionable lol.

Another thing, how does Jolene figure out Lily's ability? You do show the flashback but unless she's a scientist or a fortune teller, it would've been hard to do so

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Jolene was provided with some hints. There is mention at the beginning about "Something weird happening... things breaking on their own" when Dwight was killed. Then there's the revealing phone call with Trevor... "I AM talking about the little girl".  And then, she sees the aftermath at Tallulah and Lily's bungalow... Man in Deer Mask in the car, pretty much exploded, blood everywhere. I suppose there could be a scene or just a few lines of action where she actually sees Lily's powers for herself. Could be just something subtle.

-- Michael

Hi Spesh,

I just wanna say, I really appreciate the fact you supported the Australian film industry w/ Suicide Theory. Unfortantely (and strangely) it's not available on Aussie Netflix. If I see a DVD, I'll buy it.


Some thoughts on the logline:

Quoted Text After a brutal home invasion, a psychotic mother must go head-to-head with a sadistic plastic surgeon to save her abducted little girl -- a little girl who isn't as innocent as she seems

"Psychotic" is kind of reductive, and implies a broad range of things. Is she mentally ill, deranged, or obsessed with something? Psychotic could mean she's murderous and delusional, or that she hoards tiny horse figurines. Having now read the script, a much better term would be "determined" or another descriptor. Other than that, I like this logline - it implies the story and piqued my interest.


The time jumping in the first few sequence confused me, althought that's a personal preference. I don't follow time jumps easily. Is there a way you could present some things more linearly?

You really emphasis things like brand names for substances, such as bolding and underlining Capris for Jolene's smokes. Why? I'm writing this as I read, so it may be significant later, but it seems a little strange if it isn't. Just me, again, though.

I'm on Page 14, and I echo the similarities to Firestarter. I'm also not seeing the horror element, but hopefully that comes soon.

I don't know much about Tallulah yet, but I feel like she would be much more frantic and acting with much haste having Lily just kidnapped. The scenes with Lily in the van, intercut by Tallulah's pensive, slow sorting herself out, staring in the mirror, etc, don't seem like a mum with a stolen kid.

A lot of song choices in here. I don't know how these go, whether they are "listened to" in production (you would know more than me, lol), so I won't comment.

Page 38, and I'm liking the idea of a crazed plastic surgeon with her tools more and more.

Pg. 41 - you described the cop as "bushy-eyed", haha, I think you mean "bushy tailed", which is normally paired with "bright eyed".

Pg. 56 -- Harold calls 911, but doesn't give an address. Can 911 tell your address from the call? Even so, wouldn't they still confirm it with him? Nitpicking, I know.

Pg 58 -- I'm halfway through the script and I'm still not 100% sure on what Lily's powers are, exactly. Is she telekinetic? Can she kill things on command? I feel like a hook in the opening of some sort could establish this a little better.

Pg 60/ish - we flashback to an hour or two earlier, why? Couldn't we be shown it in the order it happened?

Pg 67 -

Quoted Text For Christ sake, I got called outta bed for this. That was bad enough. And now I’m hearing you killed a bunch of my men? Quite possibly your own husband?

This line feels OTN and doesn't work for me (although, it's the first in the script for which I feel that way, so awesome work). In the midst of the craziness, the showdown, it's an oddly expositional line for the dude to say.

GENERAL:

I really, really liked this. I read all in one go, quite quickly, which is exceptional for me. I usually struggle with action heavy and plot heavy scripts.

All the comments above are mostly little nitpicks or easy to fix, so I won't dwell on them.

My biggest "gripe" is that this isn't really a horror movie, at least not a typical one. It struck me more as a thriller or action movie (albeit an extremely gory one).

You have an awesome voice when you write, which, again, made this an easy read. I don't have any complaints, except maybe that some people may not like the aforementioned flourishes (like naming the cigarette brand, choosing songs etc).

What I really liked in this was the Jolene/Tallulah duality. You managed to write something that subtly comments on the nature of motherhood with these two different characters. This could have been very simply a Tallulah v Jolene showdown (which you hinted at with the standoff scene) but instead you took the villain and used her to emphasis the protag's subtext. Again, the focus on this subtext takes the script away from the confines of a "horror", but I think it's all the better for it.

With Jolene, I think there's a little bit of background needed. I understand her motivations and her goal is very clear, but how did she go from what I assume was a relatively normal MD with a family to the character you have here? She lost her family, sure, but in some of the flashbacks maybe we could see firsthand her grief and trauma to understand a little better. Saying that, she was my favourite character and I was fascinated by any scenes she was in.

You used a conservative style with writing and descriptions which again helped the scripts flow. But in that you also had a really unique way with dialogue and action lines that helped the script stand out.

Again, the other little weakness I saw that might be harder to fix is not knowing a lot about Lily's powers, even when the film is finished. As I said, what are the limits there and what is she actually able to achieve? Stakes are harder to come by when we're not sure if Lily could simpy kill everyone in the room at the drop of a hat.

I don't have too much more to say. I really enjoyed this and it was super a pro script to read. Hope some of this was helpful.

Hey AlsoBen, thanks for taking a look at this. Glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted Text I just wanna say, I really appreciate the fact you supported the Australian film industry w/ Suicide Theory. Unfortantely (and strangely) it's not available on Aussie Netflix. If I see a DVD, I'll buy it.

I was the only American involved (as the screenwriter)... other than myself, it was an all-Aussie cast and crew. But it hasn't really translated well in its home country, having more success in the U.S. Which isn't saying much, though it had a brief theater release (in limited cinemas) and is still out on Netflix.

Quoted Text Some thoughts on the logline: "Psychotic" is kind of reductive, and implies a broad range of things. Is she mentally ill, deranged, or obsessed with something? Psychotic could mean she's murderous and delusional, or that she hoards tiny horse figurines. Having now read the script, a much better term would be "determined" or another descriptor. Other than that, I like this logline - it implies the story and piqued my interest.

Yeah, I kind of think so, too. Lately, I've been using "determined" or "hell-bent".

Quoted Text The time jumping in the first few sequence confused me, althought that's a personal preference. I don't follow time jumps easily. Is there a way you could present some things more linearly?

Not much of time jumping. I open with a thematic opening that serves as a bookend (with the ending). Then I have the opening title card and credits... which I normally don't include into a screenplay, but it felt necessary in not messing w/ the flow of the screenplay. When I see an opening scene, and then it's followed by title card and credits... it sort of feels like the real story doesn't begin until the opening credits are finished. So, that's the way I looked at it. After the thematic opening, we have the car crash. Then jump to five years later. I do have a part in the first ten pages of this version that jumps to "3 Weeks Later", but I took that out in a recent draft.

Quoted Text You really emphasis things like brand names for substances, such as bolding and underlining Capris for Jolene's smokes. Why? I'm writing this as I read, so it may be significant later, but it seems a little strange if it isn't. Just me, again, though.

Not an issue. And Capris are a very specific kind of cigarette, very skinny. And I've written for producers who specified that I underline and bold any trademarked items, such as brands, etc. I could have gone without bold-facing them. Either or, not really an issue.

Quoted Text I'm on Page 14, and I echo the similarities to Firestarter. I'm also not seeing the horror element, but hopefully that comes soon.

A severed head in a box doesn't do it for you in terms of horror? Men wearing scary deer masks, cutting off a guy's head? Followed by a home invasion (which is a sub genre of horror)? What part of Firestarter does it echo? It's not revealed Lily has any powers until 30-40 pages in. And even then, it's not quite clear. In Firestarter, we know Drew Barrymore has powers from the get-go.

Quoted Text I don't know much about Tallulah yet, but I feel like she would be much more frantic and acting with much haste having Lily just kidnapped. The scenes with Lily in the van, intercut by Tallulah's pensive, slow sorting herself out, staring in the mirror, etc, don't seem like a mum with a stolen kid.

She also just got the living shit beat out of her. And she just got shot to the point of brief unconsciousness. And her daughter's gone when she wakes up. She needs to gain her wits and think. Work smart rather than work hard. Though she does that, too.

Quoted Text Page 38, and I'm liking the idea of a crazed plastic surgeon with her tools more and more.

Sweet.

Quoted Text Pg. 41 - you described the cop as "bushy-eyed", haha, I think you mean "bushy tailed", which is normally paired with "bright eyed".

Damn it. I'll add that to rewrites. Thanks for pointing that out!

Quoted Text Pg. 56 -- Harold calls 911, but doesn't give an address. Can 911 tell your address from the call? Even so, wouldn't they still confirm it with him? Nitpicking, I know.

911 traces it.

Quoted Text Pg 60/ish - we flashback to an hour or two earlier, why? Couldn't we be shown it in the order it happened?

Because we're led to believe that Tallulah is dead. And then, after the flashback, it is revealed that she is not.

Quoted Text Pg 67 - Quoted Text For Christ sake, I got called outta bed for this. That was bad enough. And now I’m hearing you killed a bunch of my men? Quite possibly your own husband? This line feels OTN and doesn't work for me (although, it's the first in the script for which I feel that way, so awesome work). In the midst of the craziness, the showdown, it's an oddly expositional line for the dude to say.

Note taken. Though, I kinda/sorta disagree. And kinda/sorta agree. Depends on how you read it.

Quoted Text I really, really liked this. I read all in one go, quite quickly, which is exceptional for me. I usually struggle with action heavy and plot heavy scripts.

Not sure if it's exactly plot heavy, but it's definitely not dialogue-dependent. Glad you liked it!

Quoted Text My biggest "gripe" is that this isn't really a horror movie, at least not a typical one. It struck me more as a thriller or action movie (albeit an extremely gory one).

I kind of structured it similarly to "No Country For Old Men"... which, if you look at it from Anton Chigur's POV, it's kind of a horror film from his view. Dude's like Jason Voorhees. Though this is more horror-ish than No Country. And between the slasher masks, the stalking, the night scenes, I'd consider it horror. But maybe I'm wrong.

Quoted Text You have an awesome voice when you write, which, again, made this an easy read. I don't have any complaints, except maybe that some people may not like the aforementioned flourishes (like naming the cigarette brand, choosing songs etc).

Thanks, dude. As for the "flourishes", I'm not worried about that.

Quoted Text What I really liked in this was the Jolene/Tallulah duality. You managed to write something that subtly comments on the nature of motherhood with these two different characters. This could have been very simply a Tallulah v Jolene showdown (which you hinted at with the standoff scene) but instead you took the villain and used her to emphasis the protag's subtext. Again, the focus on this subtext takes the script away from the confines of a "horror", but I think it's all the better for it.

Thanks for noticing that, I sort of built the story from the duality of the two main leads (if you check out The Suicide Theory, I do something similar there, though with a different theme).

Quoted Text With Jolene, I think there's a little bit of background needed. I understand her motivations and her goal is very clear, but how did she go from what I assume was a relatively normal MD with a family to the character you have here? She lost her family, sure, but in some of the flashbacks maybe we could see firsthand her grief and trauma to understand a little better. Saying that, she was my favourite character and I was fascinated by any scenes she was in.

I didn't want to slow the pace of the action. As long as her goals and motivations are clear, and we know what happened to her and her own daughter, I don't feel the need to include more flashbacks to show her descent into madness. She's mad and we know why. And we see her soft side through Tallulah/Lily's story and how that ends up.

Quoted Text You used a conservative style with writing and descriptions which again helped the scripts flow. But in that you also had a really unique way with dialogue and action lines that helped the script stand out.

Thanks! But it could still be a lot smoother. Just went through the first 20 and I have much work to do with improving my action lines, etc. Along w/ rewrites.

Quoted Text Again, the other little weakness I saw that might be harder to fix is not knowing a lot about Lily's powers, even when the film is finished. As I said, what are the limits there and what is she actually able to achieve? Stakes are harder to come by when we're not sure if Lily could simpy kill everyone in the room at the drop of a hat.

I tried being subtle with her powers until the finale, where I believe I made it pretty clear. I could be wrong, though.

Quoted Text I don't have too much more to say. I really enjoyed this and it was super a pro script to read. Hope some of this was helpful.

Very nice of you to say. Thanks, man, appreciate it! Already opened up "People's Parties", will get back to you tomorrow! Thanks again!

-- Michael

Okay, so I'm done.

Not going to comment on the formatting and writing style. It is different to mine but it is great, easy to follow and picture in my mind. I never had to read anything again for clarity.

I did find the brand, song, and movie referencing a bit different but no dig deal.

Story wise, I really enjoyed it, just my thing, lots of blood, loads of tension.

They story pulled me along and I constantly wanted to know more.

I do however wish I knew a bit more. I might have missed a few things but I don’t fully understand Lily and kinda wish I did. I am also not entirely sure of Jolene's motivations.

It did make me think of an anime called Elfen Lied, don’t know if you have heard of it.

Despite that, there was more than enough going on to keep me interested and entertained.

Great work.

Quoted Text Not going to comment on the formatting and writing style. It is different to mine but it is great, easy to follow and picture in my mind. I never had to read anything again for clarity.

Cool.

Quoted Text Story wise, I really enjoyed it, just my thing, lots of blood, loads of tension.

Awesome.

Quoted Text They story pulled me along and I constantly wanted to know more.

Glad I was able to pull you in, Warren.

Quoted Text I do however wish I knew a bit more. I might have missed a few things but I don’t fully understand Lily and kinda wish I did. I am also not entirely sure of Jolene's motivations.

What weren't you sure about with Jolene's motivations? I thought they were pretty clear. And what didn't you understand about Lily? Her powers? I do need to revisit that and perhaps make her powers more specific.

Quoted Text It did make me think of an anime called Elfen Lied, don’t know if you have heard of it.

I'll have to check that out, though I'm not into animated stuff, specifically anime.

Quoted Text Despite that, there was more than enough going on to keep me interested and entertained. Great work.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Warren.

-- Michael

A title is enough to make me want to watch a movie... if I was a director it may be enough to make me want to make the movie... if I were a reader for studio...a title would definitely make me want to take a read.

This TITLE works like that as did your Suicide Theory. You really have a way with titles. I have not read Suicide Theory but I think I will try this one out.

Great job on the titles.

Hey Paleyellow,

Thanks, always had a knack for titles. I actually heard about the corpse flower bloom out here in the Bronx Botanical Garden, loved the name of the flower/plant. I immediately thought it would be a great title for a horror film.

If you check this one out, let me know what you think! Hope you enjoy it!

Quoted Text I have not read Suicide Theory but I think I will try this one out.

The Suicide Theory was posted on here about 8-9 years ago and it was requested that I remove it after the current producers picked it up.

If you haven't already, check out The Suicide Theory on Netflix or Amazon! The film actually had a limited release in theaters in the U.S. (along with a simultaneous VOD run on most cable outlets). We won an award at Austin Film Festival in 2014 (Audience Award) and took home the Grand Jury Prize at Dances With Films in Hollywood (Best Picture). It's at 76% on Rotten Tomatoes right now. https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_suicide_theory/

The script was also requested by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (aka the Academy aka the Oscars) to keep archived and secured in their vault at their library for educational purposes.

You'll see the lead (Steve Mouzakis) as a major player in the upcoming "Prison Break" reboot.

As for "Corpse Flower", I'm pushing hard to get actress Lucy Punch involved as the antagonist character, pretty much wrote it for her.

-- Michael

Short thoughts; I thought it was a fun read. Solidly written overall,  though I think the plotting and characters could use more work.

Full notes: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxE-Pj9wp1dyYTdFd1M3Uk5ZdUE/view?usp=docslist_api