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I just wanted to point this out, this is one of the confusing things to me about screenplays, not an exact science, like Chemistry for instance. The 'We see' device is hated by many, but seems alright to use if you have to. I've resisted using it so far, but in my next writings, if it is an easy way to explain the scene I will use it.
I believe it's just personal preference. I personally don't like them, but people can use them if they want. The way that they were used here were fine by screenwriting standards I believe, but like I said, I'm nitpicking. They just take me out of the writing.
Oh and I'd also like to add, the part where David comes back to life and he's saying that he wants to die and everything. I don't know if his dialogue is suppose to imply that maybe he saw Claire in the afterlife, but it would be a nice little addition if he said something along the lines of, "I want to die! I saw her...I was with her again..." or something like that, referring to Claire and seeing her in the afterlife. It would make his want to die even greater, in my opinion. Just a thought that popped into my head.
I really enjoyed this, it was easy to read and kept me engaged throughout. The structure was nice, but it didn’t get too predictable. I imagine this would be a fun one to shoot. For the most part it could be done without too big of a budget. The hunting scenes would be difficult CGI, but could be cut down with creative editing.
Very solid.
Here are a couple of minor thoughts:
Page 6 - Scenes go from SAN DIEGO BEACH to BEACH, maybe the first should be SAN DIEGO BEACH - PARKING LOT
Page 19 – The implied threat from Able would be enough to make David shut up about leaving, but without something else to illustrate danger that Able presents, it seems like it would take more to make David eat nasty raw meat with hairs and flies in it. At this point, I don’t think David seems to have connected the monster from last night to Able.
Page 23 and 26 – Able says he can be “too forward in my approach” then shortly after says “rather forward in my approach” is that repetition intentional? Maybe add “as I said…” for the 2nd one?
Page 36 – Wow, they lose a lot of teeth easily. Did he bite the car?
Page 58 – I’m confused here. Martha was unconscious, then you say “Martha’s corpse” then Woodlock says “don’t worry about Martha. She’s a strong woman.” Is she dead or alive? Reading on it seems she was only near death. Maybe corpse isn't the right word?
Page 58 – You say her body is “taunt”, do you mean “taut”? (stretched or pulled tight; not slack.)
Page 68 – What the heck did he say on the phone to get a huge swat team and military helicopters to come out? If he just said he was kidnapped, it would just be the police (maybe some FBI), if he said there were monsters he woldn't be believed. Must have been a short but very effective message, I'd love to hear it.
Page 72 – What do you mean by “absorbing his corpse”?
Page 76 – Are these alt lines? Very repetitive:
RUBY It’s coming. You have to take us away.
David absorbs this.
RUBY The sun is coming. We have to go. Go now.
David absorbs this.
Page 76, 77 – You use the word absorb 4 times in two pages. It is starting to distract me.
Page 85 – Even if the heavily tinted windows helped him drive during the day, I’ve never seen a car with the front windshield heavily tinted. I imagine he would at least shove something against the windshield and just drive looking out of a small hole?
General – I’m used to seeing – DAY and – NIGHT in every slug, but you only use them when we shift between night and day. I can see why, but when I found myself getting lost as far as time of day I had to scroll way back and read action descriptions to figure out if it was day or night. Since Day and Night is so important to a vampire script I’d suggest using it in the slugs. Also, I could be wrong, but from a production standpoint I believe it’s really important to easily identify which scenes are day and night. It makes a big difference when breaking down the budget and scheduling shooting days, so the easier it is, the better. That way a simple scene report can provide that info.
Thank you so very much for the feedback Rodriguez & Sean.
I have taken in everything you have said and made the appropriate edits. Really appreciate your input and the fact that you enjoyed the script!
I wanted to work with a proven formal in vampires but turn it on it's head and do something really original with it. I like it.
Anyway, please let me know when you have new material out. I really enjoyed both your last scripts. Rodriguez, any news on "Murderhorn"? I showed a few friends the script and they loved the originality of it. Sean, any update on "Where the Bad kids go"? I loved your time transitions in the first act and the twist at the end (I won't reveal spoilers) was so creative.
Anyway, please let me know when you have new material out. I really enjoyed both your last scripts. Rodriguez, any news on "Murderhorn"? I showed a few friends the script and they loved the originality of it. Sean, any update on "Where the Bad kids go"? I loved your time transitions in the first act and the twist at the end (I won't reveal spoilers) was so creative.
I got out of the first option early to send to another producer who was interested, but then nothing... I need a lesson on how to market a script.
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