In The Still Of The Night by Eric C Dickson - Horror - A wide eyed Texan moves to LA, loses her first acting gig, takes a job at a supermarket and becomes the target of a midnight caller.   123 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Eric

"Manical midnight caller" caught my eye, not sure why becaues I'm not even sure what that is or means, haha. Is it an manical cosumter? A stalker? I gave it a quick skim just to see the formatting because 123 pages sounds like a lot, but from what I can see most of it is because there's a lot of dialogue, which explains how you got to that page count.

I'll give it a look at see where it takes me.

BLB

BLB, Maniacal, as in maniac.
exhibiting extremely wild or violent behaviour.

Eric has it right in the logline.

LC, I know what maniacl means, haha. I'm talking about the collection of words "manicial midnight caller," in the context of a supermarket. Calling to terrorize a babysiter, mk. Calling to terrorize a supermarket employee... I'm not knocking it, I'm just interested in how it will be pulled off.

BLB.

Hey, I just realized I uploaded the wrong draft.  It's 99% but I fixed a couple issues.  Can I email you the correct draft?  

Eric

yes, that's fine

Hey, Jack

Sorry for delay, but I really tried to lean into my thinking on this one.

The reason “maniacal midnight caller” caught my attention was because it was such a weird description. I tend to put quite a bit of emphasis on loglines because I think they not only reveal something about the story, but also something about the writer and his/her writing - particularly their understanding of their own story.

A hundred and twenty-four pages is a lot to me, which doesn’t necessarily mean bad,  so I skimmed the script to get an eye on the narrative to dialogue ratio, sometimes dialogue can run a page length longer than the story actually is, and I saw a lot of chunks of dialogue.

I thought the opening displayed the strongest writing with the introduction of Scarlett, hopeful about starting a new career/life in LA (where many hopefuls come) and instantly being met with great opposition - LA TRAFFIC. That type of opposition is powerful tool for creating drama. Scarlett wants to get to LA, but she is met with harsh LA traffic and all that comes with it gridlock, road rage and traffic accidents. She may seem passive, but she doesn’t get upset, which reveals character more than any “sly smile,” she stays the course. And the scene ends right when it should when there’s a break in traffic and she TAKES it. Great stuff.

Every scene after that should take notes from that opening. And the first scene, another display of opposition and surprise. Graciella wants to get to her car and go home, and she is met with opposition she can not find her keys. The revelation that comes when her car turns on creates surprise not only in Graciella, but also the audience, and the implication that someone else has them creates the anxiety. “By sources unknown,” is not necessary, it is implied, you’ve already done the work.

Chris’s character overwhelms Scarlett. He dominates her narrative. He drives the story, and I almost starting considering him as the main character, save for that great opening intro of Scarlett. I think this happens because Scarlett loses her initial desire, never regains it nor a new one. She’s already become passive (common in horrors), but it is highlighted even more once she loses her desire. Things are just happening to her, and most of them can easily be remedied if she just quit her job and/or not answer the phone, but she never genuinely considers these options. It doesn’t ring true.

I could say more, but I want to keep it succinct to what I think would offer the most help without too much detail getting in the way. Consider, if in your opening scene with Garciella, she wants to get to her car and go home, and she reaches into her pocket and finds her keys and gets in and drives home - end scene. There’s too many scenes like that.

Writing is no easy task. Congrats on getting anoher feature under your belt.

BLB.

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, Jack Sorry for delay, but I really tried to lean into my thinking on this one. The reason “maniacal midnight caller” caught my attention was because it was such a weird description. I tend to put quite a bit of emphasis on loglines because I think they not only reveal something about the story, but also something about the writer and his/her writing - particularly their understanding of their own story. A hundred and twenty-four pages is a lot to me, which doesn’t necessarily mean bad,  so I skimmed the script to get an eye on the narrative to dialogue ratio, sometimes dialogue can run a page length longer than the story actually is, and I saw a lot of chunks of dialogue. I thought the opening displayed the strongest writing with the introduction of Scarlett, hopeful about starting a new career/life in LA (where many hopefuls come) and instantly being met with great opposition - LA TRAFFIC. That type of opposition is powerful tool for creating drama. Scarlett wants to get to LA, but she is met with harsh LA traffic and all that comes with it gridlock, road rage and traffic accidents. She may seem passive, but she doesn’t get upset, which reveals character more than any “sly smile,” she stays the course. And the scene ends right when it should when there’s a break in traffic and she TAKES it. Great stuff. Every scene after that should take notes from that opening. And the first scene, another display of opposition and surprise. Graciella wants to get to her car and go home, and she is met with opposition she can not find her keys. The revelation that comes when her car turns on creates surprise not only in Graciella, but also the audience, and the implication that someone else has them creates the anxiety. “By sources unknown,” is not necessary, it is implied, you’ve already done the work. Chris’s character overwhelms Scarlett. He dominates her narrative. He drives the story, and I almost starting considering him as the main character, save for that great opening intro of Scarlett. I think this happens because Scarlett loses her initial desire, never regains it nor a new one. She’s already become passive (common in horrors), but it is highlighted even more once she loses her desire. Things are just happening to her, and most of them can easily be remedied if she just quit her job and/or not answer the phone, but she never genuinely considers these options. It doesn’t ring true. I could say more, but I want to keep it succinct to what I think would offer the most help without too much detail getting in the way. Consider, if in your opening scene with Garciella, she wants to get to her car and go home, and she reaches into her pocket and finds her keys and gets in and drives home - end scene. There’s too many scenes like that. Writing is no easy task. Congrats on getting anoher feature under your belt. BLB.

She should quit and not answer her phone.  LOL.  Touche.  

Yeah, that's why I wanted her car broke down so she had no choice but to take a job close to her apartment and save up some cash for a repair job.  In the earlier drafts, Scarlett suspects Bonnie of sabotaging her car and keeping her close.  In the rewrite, I never addressed the concept that someone has been messing with hers and Bonnie's car.  I should probably rectify this in the next draft (if I even bother).  

I've changed the ending sooo many times.  First, the killer was Chris, then Brad, then Chris and Brad.  And finally Brad as the killer with Chris being guilty of Linda's rape.  It's an eleven year old script and I thought I'd give it one more rewrite.  I just entered it in FADE IN horror competition.  We shall see.  


Thank you.