Your tutors?  Like in the classic 80's movie, My Tutor"

Hi Curt, I've been reading.

This is listed as horror but there's not a lot of horror going on.

OK so I have a few issues with the story - take from it what you will.

My biggest issue is probably Carter. Why him? why, out of all of Alice's patients are we hearing his story?
For me, he isn't interesting or unique enough to be the subject matter - she must have far more interesting patients that could take the limelight.

I'm not entirely sure why he is suicidal - maybe that's the point, I've never been suicidal or depressed so I don't know - His opening suicide message is confusing.

Quoted Text Me being alive is just… a stress on everyone's life. I have no one. No friends. No family. No one cares about me

Seems like a contradiction to me - who is the "everyone" he is referring to if he also believes he has no one?
His friends and family don't seem overly bad, not as bad as Carter is making out - maybe that is by design - Clinical depression isn't logical or reasonable - But there is something lacking that is making me empathic towards him - right now, I'm not invested enough in his struggle.

My other issue is conflict - conflict drives the story - and the first Act is distinctly lacking it. He is nice to his friends and they are reasonably nice to him. He has a great relationship with his therapist which he goes to willingly enough - he also happily accepts that he has to see a psychiatrist and when presented with a strange and invasive procedure, he welcomes it with a "sure, hop into my mind"
It's all a little dull - I would expect him and want to see him, resist.

I really like the premise - it's a perfect set up for creating conflict, horror and drama, but it's not utilised efficiently IMHO.

The writing itself isn't bad - If I can read a script and completely focus on story instead of the writing, that's a good thing. You can deffo tighten things up though and some of the visuals aren't clear - below is a good example.

Quoted Text Alice wakes up in the middle of two-way road. There's an eerie lack of people, of birds, of insects, of life. Except the plants, of which there's too many- vines overtaking trees and weeds cracking through the asphalt and foliage hugging the road. All of this sits underneath a heavy, heavy layer of fog. It's vast. Empty. Overgrown. Devoid of life.

I had several issues with this when reading:
Fog - This looks tacked on as an afterthought and not organically included in the description. And also links into my second point...
Order - O-n screen, the first thing we notice is the thick fog not the lack of people or animals, but you have included it after the other descriptions. Imagine the movie is playing in your mind and you are describing it as it's happening.
Why tell me? - Only include what is needed, why do we care it's a two way road?
Why tell me twice? - You have mentioned twice that it's overgrown and devoid of life.
Contradictions - Clear and concise please, can this place be both "Empty" and "overgrown"? Can't tell if I'm seeing a jungle or a desert.

Quoted Text Alice jolts awake, takes in her surroundings. Just visible through a thick fog are large wethered trees engulfed in vines. untamed weeds poke through the road they have reclaimed. Alice's thudding heartbeat the only thing breaking the silence. Nothing moves, no animals or wind in the trees... just Alice, alone.

Here is my very quick, potentially awful example lol - The point of which is to make it a concise and easy read.

The story hasn't interested me enough to read to the end although I think with some more conflict and Character depth, I would probably watch.

Best of luck with it

@dreamscale Haha, I'm at a British school. Tutors and tea.

@matthewtaylor I think you're hinting at something that I've been struggling with, which is the POV. So when you're depressed, you can interpret good friends and loving parents as huge negatives because your mind is, well, empty, foggy, full of bad and lacking in good.

But it sounds like I'm not writing it within Carter's POV enough. To give you an example, when people are getting into groups in class, I tried to make it feel like an eternity for him via watching the clock. Then I tried to make him feel isolated by having him on the outskirts of the group.

But the POV is too much from the outside still. Does that make sense? I think that's at the heart of what you're saying, since if it was more from his POV it would, in theory, be an incredibly tense read from the get-go since everything would be a conflict. It would also make every situation a horror situation since we know he's capable of suicide.

Quoted from Curt @dreamscale Haha, I'm at a British school. Tutors and tea. @matthewtaylor I think you're hinting at something that I've been struggling with, which is the POV. So when you're depressed, you can interpret good friends and loving parents as huge negatives because your mind is, well, empty, foggy, full of bad and lacking in good. But it sounds like I'm not writing it within Carter's POV enough. To give you an example, when people are getting into groups in class, I tried to make it feel like an eternity for him via watching the clock. Then I tried to make him feel isolated by having him on the outskirts of the group. But the POV is too much from the outside still. Does that make sense? I think that's at the heart of what you're saying, since if it was more from his POV it would, in theory, be an incredibly tense read from the get-go since everything would be a conflict. It would also make every situation a horror situation since we know he's capable of suicide.

Yes makes perfect sense - We are watching from the outside in, so can't get into his headspace. Writing from the inside out, as you say, to give us more of a feel for him and what he is going through sounds like a good idea.... also sounds difficult to do, but good stories are not easy lol

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Yes makes perfect sense - We are watching from the outside in, so can't get into his headspace. Writing from the inside out, as you say, to give us more of a feel for him and what he is going through sounds like a good idea.... also sounds difficult to do, but good stories are not easy lol

Difficult for sure, but I think I have ways to at least start it. Like in class when they're talking, don't go into their conversation. Stay with Carter and the clock.

Thanks for the feedback!