Quoted from Yuvraj Hi Dave, I have read your short scripts earlier and they were really helpful to me, as I learned a lot. So thank you for that. This is the first feature of yours I read. It was pretty easy to read and I finished it in a single sitting. Since I'm relatively new to this craft, maybe my opinion wouldn't matter much but still these are my thoughts that crossed my mind when I finished the script: 1) I don't feel this to be a horror script. I understand that there is a apparition in your story but that doesn't make it fit to be deemed as a horror script. There has to be some really creepy background and a set-up that gives you shivers, some graphic imagery and maybe some jump scares( not much though). I think this script tilts more towards the drama/crime genre. 2) The thing that got me a bit confused was the character of Harley. Throughout the 1st act he had little to no conversation with Natalie and in the 2nd act he agrees to help her right away. I know that he uncovers the truth about Malcam but then also the resolution between Natalie and Harley seemed a tad to fast. Plus we have almost no background information about Harley besides him once been in the military. 3) The character that bugged me was Adena. All we are given about her is that she is just a blind follower of Malcam and nothing else. There is only one dialog that informs us that she was the first victim of Malcam and that's it. We are never told why she blindly follows Malcam which I suppose she knows is the bad guy. Seriously how couldn't she, she's with him for fifteen years. 4) Malcam came off as kinda odd criminal to me. The fact that he conducts the whole program with his victims to get them to step seven where he manipulates them and then goes to give them a choice. If they don't choose what he wants, he just kills them. He is indeed a very patient criminal.           5) The main character, Natalie, what I felt was, had a very derivative persona. There were no surprises in her arc and she just came off as a predictable one. I know that she was a selfish and a mean lady at the beginning who goes onto become a better person but that's what every character in a rehab facility written as. There was no uniqueness in her that made her interesting. Also it is the events/incidents that push forward Natalie in the story not her herself making some mistakes/events/incidents that progresses the story. Like, take the part where Harley involuntarily inspects Maria's Diary and tells about it to Natalie. If it weren't there, Natalie wouldn't have known the truth about Malcam ignoring that Maria's apparition warns her about him( no one believes though). My point is that it is the events that drive our main character forward not the opposite. 6) The twist about Judge Specter been also involved in the crime was interesting one. It took me by surprise.   Well that is it.   Maybe my opinion matters to you or maybe not. Who knows......

Thanks a ton for the read and the comments, friend. All very valuable things to consider. I appreciate it.

Thank you Dave.

You are very wonderful at your craft. It reflects in your scripts.  

Quoted from Yuvraj Thank you Dave. You are very wonderful at your craft. It reflects in your scripts.

How kind. Thank you.

Second draft up

Thanks Don.

Hey, Dave,

Just saw this now. I’ll get to this soon-ish!

Quoted from SAC Hey, Dave, Just saw this now. I’ll get to this soon-ish!

Cool - thanks

Started reading the new draft -- will give my thoughts possibly later tonight. The notes probably won't be as detailed... I'll focus mainly on the changes.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Started reading the new draft -- will give my thoughts possibly later tonight. The notes probably won't be as detailed... I'll focus mainly on the changes. -- Michael

Thanks, mate.  

If you get a chance, I'd also like you to weigh in on what genre you think this is. I think I mis-categorized as horror - thinking now psych thriller???

The first draft felt more like a psychological thriller -- it had that tone to it -- but the supernatural element puts it in the horror category by default, as a psychological horror. I know there's exceptions to this rule, like "Ghost Story", which is more of a drama. But the supernatural element wasn't a device used to frighten or scare an audience in that one. Maybe this draft is different -- but I'll definitely give you my thoughts on that after I finish.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k The first draft felt more like a psychological thriller -- it had that tone to it -- but the supernatural element puts it in the horror category by default, as a psychological horror. I know there's exceptions to this rule, like "Ghost Story", which is more of a drama. But the supernatural element wasn't a device used to frighten or scare an audience in that one. Maybe this draft is different -- but I'll definitely give you my thoughts on that after I finish. -- Michael

Thanks

Quoted from spesh2k The first draft felt more like a psychological thriller -- it had that tone to it -- but the supernatural element puts it in the horror category by default, as a psychological horror. I know there's exceptions to this rule, like "Ghost Story", which is more of a drama. But the supernatural element wasn't a device used to frighten or scare an audience in that one. Maybe this draft is different -- but I'll definitely give you my thoughts on that after I finish. -- Michael

Ghost Story, huh? That’s going deep. And way, way back! I believe I saw that on VHS.

I'm talking about the "Ghost Story" with Casey Affleck from a few years ago.

Quoted from spesh2k I'm talking about the "Ghost Story" with Casey Affleck from a few years ago.

Ah! Gotcha

All right, David, so I checked out the 2nd draft. I like the changes you made -- this definitely falls into the horror category as a psychological/supernatural horror script. You amped up the scares -- the remote control one was good, which was in the last draft. The face in the window one, which I believe you added in this new draft, was nice.

I also noticed more clues to Dr. Malcam's insanity -- specifically Adena's comment "Be sure to show him your gratitude". So, that was good.

The ghost angle works much better in this draft as we get the ghost stuff starting on page 19. But there are still a few things. You suggest that Natalie's seeing all this MAYBE because of her sobriety -- perhaps the withdrawal has her seeing shit. That's fine. But maybe there should be a history of this, seeing things. But she says it only happens when she's sober.

Also, I do like the newer beginning better, but this is Natalie's story. I really think the story, and her character, would benefit off an opening that includes Natalie's -- I really think the car accident with her mother would be a much better way to start this off. Just the tail-end of it, the moment of impact when it crashes. Or even the aftermath... just seeing a totaled car. Then we see Natalie barely alive inside. She looks to her mother and she's obviously dead, perhaps mangled. Would make for a more frightening visual. And, just a suggestion, to take it a step further and kinda introduce these possible hallucinations earlier, maybe her mother contorts into some creepy way and says something haunting... and maybe Natalie snaps awake. Or she's splashing water onto her face in the courthouse bathroom. I dunno, something along those lines, not exactly like that of course, you know your story better than I do. But it would definitely add that supernatural tone earlier, at least with a creepy visual like that. Not sure if the jumping off the cliff accomplishes that. Even though you intro the supernatural element at page 19 instead of 30, it still feels a little out of the blue. I think it would be better somehow include a haunting visual at the beginning while suggesting that Natalia has a history of delusions.

The whole Maria backstory doesn't need to be, nor should be IMO, the intro. Natalie can ask Harley about this Maria thing. And maybe Harley, who's been there for years, remembers Maria -- perhaps he even found her dead body. Or saw her jump off the cliff -- which can be shown through flashback as he's talking about it. He can also be like, "How do you know about Maria?"

One of the reasons why I think the opening should be the car crash is because that scene where Natalie talks about it feels like there's just so much information crammed into it -- her sister's diary, her sister being molested, the mother not doing anything about it, etc.

Throughout, especially at the beginning, Natalie is always talking about how she doesn't like being touched. So I feel like it should be her who experienced it. I feel like throwing the sister thing in there makes it a bit jumbled when it should be a little simpler. I dunno, maybe Natalie tried killing herself because of all the abuse and her mother is trying to rush her to the hospital (maybe she cut her wrists). And then maybe Natalie is telling her, "Why didn't you do anything?" And that leads to the car crash. I dunno.

Also, I'd like to see Adena play more of a role in this, specifically at the end. She's so loyal to Dr. Malcam, it'd be a nice other obstacle for Natalie to overcome. Perhaps Adena even assists him.

Speaking of Adena, there's an opportunity to show that she's in all of this when Natalie mentions Maria in front of her to Dr. Malcam. Even just having Adena give the doctor a look upon mention of the name. Some sort of acknowledgement.

I'm still not completely sold on the ending with Dr. Malcam going off the cliff, walking towards Maria's ghost. Why didn't Maria's ghost appear before him much earlier? Also, it does kinda feel like an easy way out. I feel like Natalie needs to be the one who ends this, not some ghost. And then maybe the ghost appears afterwards and can now be free, or something like that.

I do like the change you made by bookending with voice overs. Though who is Emma? Did I miss something? Was she in the story earlier? I kinda recall her in the 1st draft but not this newest draft.

Anyway, those were my immediate thoughts after reading. Hope they help!

-- Michael

Thanks again, Michael - you're a champ.

Quoted Text All right, David, so I checked out the 2nd draft. I like the changes you made -- this definitely falls into the horror category as a psychological/supernatural horror script. You amped up the scares -- the remote control one was good, which was in the last draft. The face in the window one, which I believe you added in this new draft, was nice.

Thanks.

Quoted Text I also noticed more clues to Dr. Malcam's insanity -- specifically Adena's comment "Be sure to show him your gratitude". So, that was good.

Thanks - next draft I'm going to add a little bit more - thinking about having him have an anger management issue - maybe a scene where Harley fucks something little up and he goes way over the top anger wise in the response - just something to indicate he has a hair trigger lurling beneath the facade.

Quoted Text The ghost angle works much better in this draft as we get the ghost stuff starting on page 19. But there are still a few things. You suggest that Natalie's seeing all this MAYBE because of her sobriety -- perhaps the withdrawal has her seeing shit. That's fine. But maybe there should be a history of this, seeing things. But she says it only happens when she's sober.

Thanks - trying to find a way to get that first ghost scene to page 15 at a min in next version.

I disagree with the Natalie having to have any past illusions here.  Typically not needed for a standard ghost story and I think Malcam dissuading her that is is real due to part of detox is good enough. All I want is for the reader at this point to be guessing a little bit as to whether these are real or not.

Quoted Text Also, I do like the newer beginning better, but this is Natalie's story. I really think the story, and her character, would benefit off an opening that includes Natalie's -- I really think the car accident with her mother would be a much better way to start this off. Just the tail-end of it, the moment of impact when it crashes. Or even the aftermath... just seeing a totaled car. Then we see Natalie barely alive inside. She looks to her mother and she's obviously dead,

I like that as an alternative - might work. A little torn. It does much better set up a premise for the Court scene - also would be a good place for a VO. At the same time I like the Maria background here as well as it establishes a premise for the ghost - good thought - but i'm torn. will mull it over.

Quoted Text And, just a suggestion, to take it a step further and kinda introduce these possible hallucinations earlier, maybe her mother contorts into some creepy way and says something haunting... and maybe Natalie snaps awake. Or she's splashing water onto her face in the courthouse bathroom. I dunno, something along those lines, not exactly like that of course, you know your story better than I do. But it would definitely add that supernatural tone earlier, at least with a creepy visual like that. Not sure if the jumping off the cliff accomplishes that. Even though you intro the supernatural element at page 19 instead of 30, it still feels a little out of the blue. I think it would be better somehow include a haunting visual at the beginning while suggesting that Natalia has a history of delusions.

Not a fan of this. I want her to be normal (other than her addiction of course) when she starts the journey. I do agree the earlier the supernatural stuff can start the better.  Responding here sparked an idea - I think I'll have her arrive first day at night - get taken straight to the cottage - have the first hallucination before she tours the facility etc - that would get me to around apge 10 for the first ghost scene.

Quoted Text The whole Maria backstory doesn't need to be, nor should be IMO, the intro. Natalie can ask Harley about this Maria thing. And maybe Harley, who's been there for years, remembers Maria -- perhaps he even found her dead body. Or saw her jump off the cliff -- which can be shown through flashback as he's talking about it. He can also be like, "How do you know about Maria?" One of the reasons why I think the opening should be the car crash is because that scene where Natalie talks about it feels like there's just so much information crammed into it -- her sister's diary, her sister being molested, the mother not doing anything about it, etc.

Yeah, I do like the car crash opening as an alternative - just not the hallucination stuff. Definitely going to play around with it as an alternative to see if I like that. Naturally that would nuke the opening suicide scene.

Quoted Text Throughout, especially at the beginning, Natalie is always talking about how she doesn't like being touched. So I feel like it should be her who experienced it. I feel like throwing the sister thing in there makes it a bit jumbled when it should be a little simpler. I dunno, maybe Natalie tried killing herself because of all the abuse and her mother is trying to rush her to the hospital (maybe she cut her wrists). And then maybe Natalie is telling her, "Why didn't you do anything?" And that leads to the car crash. I dunno.

Interesting and would definitely work. I do lose a plot element though - Natalie's addiction being party fueled by her guilt of not protecting her sister. Hmmm.  No reason they couldn't have  both been abused by the Step Dad ---- that would work.

Quoted Text Also, I'd like to see Adena play more of a role in this, specifically at the end. She's so loyal to Dr. Malcam, it'd be a nice other obstacle for Natalie to overcome. Perhaps Adena even assists him.

Not sure - In my mind Adena is in on it but would draw the line on the type of violence experienced at the end,  

Quoted Text Speaking of Adena, there's an opportunity to show that she's in all of this when Natalie mentions Maria in front of her to Dr. Malcam. Even just having Adena give the doctor a look upon mention of the name. Some sort of acknowledgement.

That was the intent of the scene where Adena goes to see Malcam after finding out Natalie had googled Maria - Adena goes to his office afterwards. I'll take a look at that.

Quoted Text I'm still not completely sold on the ending with Dr. Malcam going off the cliff, walking towards Maria's ghost. Why didn't Maria's ghost appear before him much earlier? Also, it does kinda feel like an easy way out. I feel like Natalie needs to be the one who ends this, not some ghost. And then maybe the ghost appears afterwards and can now be free, or something like that.

I think I'm okay on the ghost not appearing to Malcam thing - I know there's a slight logic issue but it becomes never ending (e.g., why not appear before Adena, Harley, the other women?. The plot point I was trying to drive home is that Maria is not only helping Natalie, she is also using her as a tool to extract her revenge on Malcam.  

Natalie does end it by pushing him off the cliff. But...I kind of get where you're going by having it unassisted by Maria - hmm. Will mull it over.

Quoted Text I do like the change you made by bookending with voice overs. Though who is Emma? Did I miss something? Was she in the story earlier? I kinda recall her in the 1st draft but not this newest draft.

Thanks for the VO idea - I think I need to add a midpoint one as well.

Emma I was afraid might not land - Emma was her sisters name - that was the irony - she didn't help her sister Emma but she's going to help this addict Emma.  It may be too many pages between Emmas for folks to remember.

Quoted Text Anyway, those were my immediate thoughts after reading. Hope they help! -- Michael

Very much so, Thanks a ton.