Hi Dave,

Read the first thirty last night.

Was a little confused by your use of I/E. I believe why your using it is to minimize unnecessary slugs, keeping it less cluttered. I understand that, if that was the reason. However, it did sort of stop me in my tracks and I reread the passage again, when they were first driving up to the treatment center. And I’m thinking, you’re showing two shots here - them talking in the car, then the car driving through. Like I said, I got that. Still, I had to stop and read again. Maybe it’s a small nit, but it did cause me to stop.

I like Dr. Malcam. He’s genuinely strange, and the way you described his strange smile early on is very telling of who he is. In fact, it’s the first time I ever got a really good indication of who a character is just by describing his looks. Very good.

Your lead (Natalie? Sorry, forgot her name already - that’s not you, it’s me) is well drawn, but a bit vanilla. What I’m saying is I feel she should need a characterization kind of like Malcam or even the gardener with the face burn. I don’t feel she stands out enough, and I realize she’s an addict and maybe that makes her stand out enough. She’s thin from years of abuse, but then again, as you said, so are all the other women there. Personally, I’d like to see that one trait, or physical characteristic, that separates her from everyone else. Basically, a little more color. Maybe she scratches her temple when she’s nervous. Something along those lines.

Otherwise, it has my interest and I look forward to getting to the rest!

Steve

Quoted from SAC Hi Dave, Read the first thirty last night. Was a little confused by your use of I/E. I believe why your using it is to minimize unnecessary slugs, keeping it less cluttered. I understand that, if that was the reason. However, it did sort of stop me in my tracks and I reread the passage again, when they were first driving up to the treatment center. And I’m thinking, you’re showing two shots here - them talking in the car, then the car driving through. Like I said, I got that. Still, I had to stop and read again. Maybe it’s a small nit, but it did cause me to stop. I like Dr. Malcam. He’s genuinely strange, and the way you described his strange smile early on is very telling of who he is. In fact, it’s the first time I ever got a really good indication of who a character is just by describing his looks. Very good. Your lead (Natalie? Sorry, forgot her name already - that’s not you, it’s me) is well drawn, but a bit vanilla. What I’m saying is I feel she should need a characterization kind of like Malcam or even the gardener with the face burn. I don’t feel she stands out enough, and I realize she’s an addict and maybe that makes her stand out enough. She’s thin from years of abuse, but then again, as you said, so are all the other women there. Personally, I’d like to see that one trait, or physical characteristic, that separates her from everyone else. Basically, a little more color. Maybe she scratches her temple when she’s nervous. Something along those lines. Otherwise, it has my interest and I look forward to getting to the rest! Steve

Thanks, mate - much appreciated

Hey, Dave, looks like you've been using your lock-down time wisely.  I just came across this and was intrigued.

Let's see what we have here...

Damn, my keyboard is on the fritz, so review to follow...

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey, Dave, looks like you've been using your lock-down time wisely.  I just came across this and was intrigued. Let's see what we have here... Damn, my keyboard is on the fritz, so review to follow...

cool

So, my girlfriend, Teri, was cool enough to bring me a nice, brand new keyboard home from work yesterday, so I'm back in business.

I read through page 24 yesterday, but couldn't take any notes.  I will summarize my thoughts so far, and try to take more detailed notes today.

There are a fair number of typos I've seen, so you'll definitely want to go over this again with a slow read.

You're a good writer, so your writing here is good, but IMO, it's long winded.  Not much has happened in 24 pages.  Although there has been alot of dialogue, I don't feel anyone's personality has shown through.  This may have to do with scenes playing too long or just characters that don't matter at all, having too much screen time.  For example - the courtroom scene, which plays out about 3 pages and has lots of dialogue from the judge and lawyers, who we'll most likely never see again.

Slugs - for me, your Slugs need work, and it begins right from the very first one.  By including "SOMEWHERE", you're making it  very, very obvious that this is something we'll understand later, wherein a filmed version, we'd have no clue whatsoever.  I also think you're jumping in and out of Mini Slugs a little awkwardly, and I think you know I literally despise using INT/EXT when there's absolutely no reason to.  Whenever a writer uses INT/EXT, they're just being lazy, completely releasing creative control - IMO, that is.

As I said earlier, I feel like the writing here is long winded, which it is, but also playing into the "long feel" is the very slow pace, which may very well be on purpose.  I personally like slow burn scripts and movies, but for me, so far, I'm having trouble staying committed to the story.

Finally, I don't get much of any horror vibe so far.  I do see several movies I'm familiar with in this setup, but the horror just isn't there at all, for me.

I'm going to post this and start back up at Page 25 and I'll jot down any typos I find, as well as my thoughts as I read along.

Hope this helps.

Quoted from Dreamscale So, my girlfriend, Teri, was cool enough to bring me a nice, brand new keyboard home from work yesterday, so I'm back in business. Hope this helps.

Nice girlfriend! Hats off to Teri.

Quoted Text There are a fair number of typos I've seen, so you'll definitely want to go over this again with a slow read.

Thought I had gotten through most of those in the 3rd draft - will triple check again - thanks

You're a good writer, so your writing here is good, but IMO, it's long winded.  Not much has happened in 24 pages.  Although there has been alot of dialogue, I don't feel anyone's personality has shown through.  This may have to do with scenes playing too long or just characters that don't matter at all, having too much screen time.  For example - the courtroom scene, which plays out about 3 pages and has lots of dialogue from the judge and lawyers, who we'll most likely never see again.

Quoted Text Slugs - for me, your Slugs need work, and it begins right from the very first one.  By including "SOMEWHERE", you're making it  very, very obvious that this is something we'll understand later, wherein a filmed version, we'd have no clue whatsoever.

The vagueness here is purposeful, I don't want the reader or a viewer to have a clue until later.

Quoted Text I also think you're jumping in and out of Mini Slugs a little awkwardly, and I think you know I literally despise using INT/EXT when there's absolutely no reason to.  Whenever a writer uses INT/EXT, they're just being lazy, completely releasing creative control - IMO, that is.

I like the use of INT/EXT headers for car scenes. I personally think it makes the read smoother. Understand your point - just not for me.  I do need to clean up the minis on the next draft. Thanks

Quoted Text As I said earlier, I feel like the writing here is long winded, which it is, but also playing into the "long feel" is the very slow pace, which may very well be on purpose.  I personally like slow burn scripts and movies, but for me, so far, I'm having trouble staying committed to the story.

This is one that is a slow burn - but I  certainly don't want it to the point where a reader loses interest.  I am looking at chopping at least five pages from the first act to get to the inciting incident earlier - so I take your point here.

Quoted Text Finally, I don't get much of any horror vibe so far.  I do see several movies I'm familiar with in this setup, but the horror just isn't there at all, for me.

Yeah - others have said so as well and I may be writing between genres - I have never written a horror and this was meant as a way to get me into that. I think I miss the true horror mark and ended up with a quasi-one. Eventually, I;ll have to decide the best way to go.

Quoted Text I'm going to post this and start back up at Page 25 and I'll jot down any typos I find, as well as my thoughts as I read along. Hope this helps.

Certainly does - thanks again.

As I go...

Page 25 - The Wrylie - "in unison" is not at all necessary, as the dialogue block itself "ALL THE WOMEN" makes it redundant.  There have been so many Wrylies already.  IMO, very few are really needed and/or effective.

Page 27 - "looks towards" - you've done this before, but IMO, this should be "looks toward".  Neither is "incorrect", but in the states, "toward" is the preferred word.

Page 28 - The INT/EXT here is incorrect.  This entire scene is "seen" from inside the room, so no need for the EXT.  This scene here is also overwritten - you're literally telling us stuff we should understand.

Page 31 - You're using "DUSK" several times in a row in your Slugs.  IMO, "CONTINUOUS" would be better, especially when you transition from EXT to INT, as it's literally happening right after - it's continuous.

Another interesting thing I'm seeing over and over is how you're so blatantly trying not to use "is".  Here, you use "Grace's".  Is it technically wrong?  No, it's not, but you're definitely not gaining anything by doing this, and to me, it starts to look strange, the more I see it.

Page 36 - "moving is hands..." - "moving his hands..."

"Something ain't right here." - Obviously, you know how I feel about asides such as these, and you've been peppering your script with them, but this one really stands out, as it's so obvious that you're telling us something important, in case we missed it.

Page 37 - "Sharon notices that Natalie did quite take this is a joke." - Something is wrong here - I don't get it, as written.

Page 38 - When you use a POV, you have to "RETURN TO SCENE".

Page 40 - "An in an instant," - "And?  Not sure what this is supposed to mean.

"reach the car" - "reaches the car"

Page 46 - Ah!  The return of Judge Specter!  Interesting.

Page 48 - Is the Ghost of Maria the same character as the Ghost of a Young Woman?  If so, there's an issue, as you now have 2 different character names set up for 1 character.

Page 56 - OK, we're half way done here, and I have to comment about the flow and pace - it's very, very slow.  Very little happens...very little happens that's different from day to day.  We're watching very detailed, but dull events take place page after page, and the horror is just not here, for me at least, sorry to say.

"EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - MALIBU BEACH - DAY" - This isn't right, as we're not in the ocean, we're on the beach.

I need to go run some errands for the weekend.  I'll be back to finish this later today.

Quoted Text Page 25 - The Wrylie - "in unison" is not at all necessary, as the dialogue block itself "ALL THE WOMEN" makes it redundant.  There have been so many Wrylies already.  IMO, very few are really needed and/or effective.

I'm okay with it as it denotes at the exact same time

Quoted Text Page 27 - "looks towards" - you've done this before, but IMO, this should be "looks toward".  Neither is "incorrect", but in the states, "toward" is the preferred word.

Either term is correct - you're right - , but after re-looking I think I towards does sound better - thanks

Quoted Text Page 28 - The INT/EXT here is incorrect.  This entire scene is "seen" from inside the room, so no need for the EXT.  This scene here is also overwritten - you're literally telling us stuff we should understand.

Don't agree here - not entirely seen from the inside. Don't think this 1/2 page is over-written at all.

Quoted Text Page 31 - You're using "DUSK" several times in a row in your Slugs.  IMO, "CONTINUOUS" would be better, especially when you transition from EXT to INT, as it's literally happening right after - it's continuous.

Like that suggestion

Quoted Text Another interesting thing I'm seeing over and over is how you're so blatantly trying not to use "is".  Here, you use "Grace's".  Is it technically wrong?  No, it's not, but you're definitely not gaining anything by doing this, and to me, it starts to look strange, the more I see it.

Torn here - I take your point - I think I prefer the absence of the is. Do understand that others don't.

Quoted Text Page 36 - "moving is hands..." - "moving his hands..."

Thanks

"

Quoted Text Something ain't right here." - Obviously, you know how I feel about asides such as these, and you've been peppering your script with them, but this one really stands out, as it's so obvious that you're telling us something important, in case we missed it.

Yeah, we disagree - I think it adds tone to the scene. I picked it up from other scripts that I liked.

Quoted Text Page 37 - "Sharon notices that Natalie did quite take this is a joke." - Something is wrong here - I don't get it, as written.

I'm okay with this - I think it is clear.

Quoted Text Page 38 - When you use a POV, you have to "RETURN TO SCENE".

Yep - thanks!

Quoted Text Page 40 - "An in an instant," - "And?  Not sure what this is supposed to mean.

She had a resolute look on her face the sec before - meant to imply it was forced - that might be better - thanks

Quoted Text "reach the car" - "reaches the car"

thanks

Quoted Text Page 48 - Is the Ghost of Maria the same character as the Ghost of a Young Woman?  If so, there's an issue, as you now have 2 different character names set up for 1 character.

We did not know it was Maria earlier - that was discovered

Quoted Text Page 56 - OK, we're half way done here, and I have to comment about the flow and pace - it's very, very slow.  Very little happens...very little happens that's different from day to day.  We're watching very detailed, but dull events take place page after page, and the horror is just not here, for me at least, sorry to say.

No apologies needed - looking for your honest reaction

Quoted Text "EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - MALIBU BEACH - DAY" - This isn't right, as we're not in the ocean, we're on the beach.

Correct - thanks

Quoted Text I need to go run some errands for the weekend.  I'll be back to finish this later today.

Cool -thanks much for your efforts

Starting up again...

Page 60 - 4 Wrylies in a row?  These just don't look good...don't read well.  I don't see how they are necessary.

Page 80 - "Harley putting away tools. He fills a sudden chill, rubs his arms for warmth." - You do this alot - Subject followed by a verb ending in "ing".  You omit the "is" to try and get around the sentence being passive, but it doesn't work that way.  Why not just write, "Harley puts away tools"?  Also, "fills" should be "feels".

Page 81 - Here it is again, and really, it's on every page several times.  "Adena providing a warm smile..."

Page 84 - On Page 83, Nat put the journal in her nightstand before Adena came in.  Now, she somehow has it to give Harley, which doesn't make sense.

Page 86 - "She pats the towel against her face as he opens..." - "she"

"BEDROOM" - Even though it's a Mini Slug, you never want to begin with dialogue.

Page 89 - "Harley talks to Natalie without looking at her keeps his face pointed at his work." - missing a comma after "her".

Page 92 - Not sure why all of a sudden, you're using this "BACK IT and BACK AT for these Slugs.  It doesn't matter that these are all quick cuts, no reason to change the Slugs.

Page 93 - "Malcam has one on the screen..." - missing "eye"

Page 94 - OK, ummm...how can I say this?  All of a sudden, Malcam is sounding like one of the James Bond villains, the way he's talking to Harley.  I don't buy it.  I also don't buy that Harley couldn't take care of himself in this situation a little better, or at least put up a fight.

Page 95 - "You have more brains then I ever gave you credit for Harley." - You need a comma before Harley.

Page 97 - "He reaches in the medical bag, retrieves the plastic bag of OXYCODONE PILLS confiscated from Natalie on her first day." - There's absolutely no way anyone would realize the bag was Natalie's, in a filmed version.  Nor would anyone know what the pills were, exactly.

Page 99 - "We coordinating..." Missing "are"

Page 105 - Why the INTERCUT now?  You've had similar scenes going back and forth before, but now you you use INTERCUT?  I don't get why.

Page 106 - "She claws at Malcam’s forearms with trying to claw him with her nails." - Something's way off with this sentence.

Page 108 - "I was lucky enough to get a job at small town hospital." - Missing "a" after "at"

Page 109 - "Natalie reaches her a modest, used sedan. She enters it." - "a" shouldn't be here, but the whole passage is awkwardly phrased.

"SMALL TOWN DOWN ROAD" - Not sure what this means?  Why is "DOWN" part of this?

"Natalie at the wheel as she drives down the main street of small, rural town." - Awkward and missing "a" after "of"

Page 110/111 - You first name Emma Frail Young Woman, then we find out her name is Emma.  Once again, in your writing software, you have an additional character now.  No reason not to name her right away, as Emma.

The end.

OK, so you told a complete story here and wrapped everything up nicely.  There's talent here for sure.  You've included themes throughout and they work pretty well.

This isn't horror, though.  I'd say it's far from horror.  The scene near the end when Malcam goes a little crazy has horror elements for sure, but that's really about it.  The paranormal stuff about Maria's ghost is not horror, nor is it horrific.  No way should this be labeled horror.

Characters - not much character to any of the characters, when you really think about it.  Natalie does go through changes and realizes alot more about herself than she ever probably did, and that's good and impressive, but in terms of character, she's pretty dull.  Everyone is, really.  There's no one here to really like or root for, although I was rooting for Natalie, but I also knew she would survive.  She's just not a memorable character, or one that is likeable, just based on who she is and how she acts and reacts.

Biggest issue for me is the repetitive nature of the story and plot.  It's the same thing over and over and not much happens of interest throughout...until the actual story becomes clear.  There are only several scenes I want to remember, and they're all near the very end.

If I wanted to get picky, I'd also add that it's pretty far out there that Judge Specter and Dr. Malcam would have this "agreement" - there would have to be an awful lot more we're not privy to for this to be believable, but hey, I get it...it's a movie and many times, this is the way it is, so no big deal here.

On that same note, I'm not sure why Dr. Malcam would even want to engage in such activities.  These are all junkies of some kind.  No one was mentioned as being attractive, all are most likely "addict looking" - skinny, bad skin, bad physical shape, etc.  Other junkies may find this attractive, but a Doctor?  I don't think so, but again, I'm being overly picky here, so no big deal.

To me, this is a mystery with some thriller aspects thrown in.  In any mystery, at some point, you need to reveal what's been covered up, and at that time, you have the choice where you want to go with it.  If you want this to be horror, you need to go there much sooner and much harder.  In the finale, I'd have Adena included, and make that scene play out MUCH longer!  Needs more excitement.  needs more action.  needs more horror.  Maria's ghost should probably play a much bigger role in Malcam's (and Adena's) demise, and I'd make that part more horror, too.

I do like your wrap up, showing Nat in her new life and her VO's.  I actually liked her alot more in the last 2 or 3 pages than I did the entire script.

Those are my thoughts and notes.  Hope it helps.

Quoted Text
Page 37 - "Sharon notices that Natalie did quite take this is a joke." - Something is wrong here - I don't get it, as written.


I'm okay with this - I think it is clear.

Dave, reread exactly what you wrote - I think "did" should be "didn't"  Know what I'm saying?

Quoted Text Starting up again... Page 60 - 4 Wrylies in a row?  These just don't look good...don't read well.  I don't see how they are necessary.

You know me. I''m Wrilie Coyote

Quoted Text Page 80 - "Harley putting away tools. He fills a sudden chill, rubs his arms for warmth." - You do this alot - Subject followed by a verb ending in "ing".  You omit the "is" to try and get around the sentence being passive, but it doesn't work that way.  Why not just write, "Harley puts away tools"?

Agree on this one with the is.

Quoted Text Also, "fills" should be "feels".

Thanks

Quoted Text Page 81 - Here it is again, and really, it's on every page several times.  "Adena providing a warm smile..."

Agree here - changing to provides

Quoted Text Page 84 - On Page 83, Nat put the journal in her nightstand before Adena came in.  Now, she somehow has it to give Harley, which doesn't make sense.

Corrected - thanks

Quoted Text Page 86 - "She pats the towel against her face as he opens..." - "she"

Got it - thanks

Quoted Text "BEDROOM" - Even though it's a Mini Slug, you never want to begin with dialogue.

Normally agree - not here. I thought the sudden dialogue from Malcam was worth it.

Quoted Text Page 89 - "Harley talks to Natalie without looking at her keeps his face pointed at his work." - missing a comma after "her".

thanks

Quoted Text Page 92 - Not sure why all of a sudden, you're using this "BACK IT and BACK AT for these Slugs.  It doesn't matter that these are all quick cuts, no reason to change the Slugs.

I just liked the way it read that way - I understand your technical point.

Quoted Text Page 93 - "Malcam has one on the screen..." - missing "eye"

Thanks

Quoted Text Page 94 - OK, ummm...how can I say this?  All of a sudden, Malcam is sounding like one of the James Bond villains, the way he's talking to Harley.  I don't buy it.  I also don't buy that Harley couldn't take care of himself in this situation a little better, or at least put up a fight.

Quoted Text It is supposed to be a sudden change. He's not the man we thought he was. Others have commented with the same issue you have so I am going to have to believe I did not quite pool that off.  I'm going to add a few scenes earlier to show more of a crack in his facade. You may have a point on Harley - let me mull that over.

Quoted Text Page 95 - "You have more brains then I ever gave you credit for Harley." - You need a comma before Harley.

thanks

Quoted Text Page 97 - "He reaches in the medical bag, retrieves the plastic bag of OXYCODONE PILLS confiscated from Natalie on her first day." - There's absolutely no way anyone would realize the bag was Natalie's, in a filmed version.  Nor would anyone know what the pills were, exactly.

I'll make it a little green bag

Quoted Text Page 99 - "We coordinating..." Missing "are"

thanks

Quoted Text Page 105 - Why the INTERCUT now?  You've had similar scenes going back and forth before, but now you you use INTERCUT?  I don't get why.

I like to shake it up?? I'm actually okay with how I handle it in both areas - I think both ways work fine in context of the scenes.

Quoted Text Page 106 - "She claws at Malcam’s forearms with trying to claw him with her nails." - Something's way off with this sentence.

Yep - thanks

Quoted Text Page 108 - "I was lucky enough to get a job at small town hospital." - Missing "a" after "at"

thanks

Quoted Text Page 109 - "Natalie reaches her a modest, used sedan. She enters it." - "a" shouldn't be here, but the whole passage is awkwardly phrased.

Fixed - thanks

Quoted Text "SMALL TOWN DOWN ROAD" - Not sure what this means?  Why is "DOWN" part of this?

Fixed - thanks

"

Quoted Text Natalie at the wheel as she drives down the main street of small, rural town." - Awkward and missing "a" after "of"

Agree on both counts - thanks

Quoted Text Page 110/111 - You first name Emma Frail Young Woman, then we find out her name is Emma.  Once again, in your writing software, you have an additional character now.  No reason not to name her right away, as Emma.

Normally would agree - don't here. The fact that her name is Emma is purposefully confused till she intros herself and is the set up for Natalie's line later - i.e., Emma was the same name of the sister she failed to protect.

Quoted Text OK, so you told a complete story here and wrapped everything up nicely.  There's talent here for sure.  You've included themes throughout and they work pretty well.

Thanks

Quoted Text This isn't horror, though.  I'd say it's far from horror.  The scene near the end when Malcam goes a little crazy has horror elements for sure, but that's really about it.  The paranormal stuff about Maria's ghost is not horror, nor is it horrific.  No way should this be labeled horror.

I can appreciate that. The first draft of this thing involved a real demon (no ghost) and it really sucked - it was my effort to write my first horror. Turns out - not quite my thing.  So  agree that this isn't exactly any genre - some drama. some thriller, some crime. some horror.  

Quoted Text Characters - not much character to any of the characters, when you really think about it.  Natalie does go through changes and realizes alot more about herself than she ever probably did, and that's good and impressive, but in terms of character, she's pretty dull.  Everyone is, really.  There's no one here to really like or root for, although I was rooting for Natalie, but I also knew she would survive.  She's just not a memorable character, or one that is likeable, just based on who she is and how she acts and reacts.

I don't agree here except for as it relates to Natalie. But a I do appreciate your frankness. Anyway, IMO Doctor Malcam is a distinct character. Harley and Grace as well. Even Adena.

Natalie is a bit - hmm, your average addict I guess.  Having had several in my family I know that they are unlikeable (unless they are Arthur - who I loved).  You are not the only one that things her character is blah though. So I certainly will mull this over.

Quoted Text Biggest issue for me is the repetitive nature of the story and plot.  It's the same thing over and over and not much happens of interest throughout...until the actual story becomes clear.  There are only several scenes I want to remember, and they're all near the very end.

Torn here especially as it relates to the evil of being repetitive. Let me start out by saying it is. It is a series of:

- Natalie working one of the steps (group meeting, journaling, etc.)
- Natalie hears, sees a ghost
- Natalie talks to Malcam who brings her back to reality

Although the the above steps are repetitive, I believe they are also escalating in severity and consequence. And - what story of this type isn't this way.

Quiet Place - they make a sound and monsters appear. Rinse and repeat a dozen times.

Get Out - they show a slice of normal like - or is it?? Rinse and repeat

Any Slasher movie - dumb fuck gets in a dumb situation - gets slashed - rinse and repeat.

So, to me precise, if you were bored by it - I don't think it is the repetition per se, it is the subject matter that is repeating.  That I can appreciate - hope that makes sense.

Quoted Text If I wanted to get picky, I'd also add that it's pretty far out there that Judge Specter and Dr. Malcam would have this "agreement" - there would have to be an awful lot more we're not privy to for this to be believable, but hey, I get it...it's a movie and many times, this is the way it is, so no big deal here.

Agree

Quoted Text On that same note, I'm not sure why Dr. Malcam would even want to engage in such activities.  These are all junkies of some kind.  No one was mentioned as being attractive, all are most likely "addict looking" - skinny, bad skin, bad physical shape, etc.  Other junkies may find this attractive, but a Doctor?  I don't think so, but again, I'm being overly picky here, so no big dea

l.

Two things here -(1)  they are there for quite a bit and are getting back into shape (2) this isn't about physical attraction - it's about exercising power.

Quoted Text To me, this is a mystery with some thriller aspects thrown in.  In any mystery, at some point, you need to reveal what's been covered up, and at that time, you have the choice where you want to go with it.  If you want this to be horror, you need to go there much sooner and much harder.

Agree

Quoted Text In the finale, I'd have Adena included, and make that scene play out MUCH longer!  Needs more excitement.  needs more action.  needs more horror.  Maria's ghost should probably play a much bigger role in Malcam's (and Adena's) demise, and I'd make that part more horror, too.

Not sure here - food for thought though

Quoted Text I do like your wrap up, showing Nat in her new life and her VO's.  I actually liked her alot more in the last 2 or 3 pages than I did the entire script.

Thanks

Quoted Text Those are my thoughts and notes.  Hope it helps.

A ton, mate - much appreciated. Yeoman's work. Don't hesitate to hit me up for a read should you ever need it. Thanks again!

Quoted from Dreamscale Quoted Text Page 37 - "Sharon notices that Natalie did quite take this is a joke." - Something is wrong here - I don't get it, as written. I'm okay with this - I think it is clear. Dave, reread exactly what you wrote - I think "did" should be "didn't"  Know what I'm saying?

Only took me three times - but I get it now - thanks

Quoted from eldave1 Only took me three times - but I get it now - thanks

HA!  My Dad always used to say to my Mom, "Sometimes I look, but I don't see".  I use the same line to Teri...way too often.  LOL!!!

Quoted from Dreamscale HA!  My Dad always used to say to my Mom, "Sometimes I look, but I don't see".  I use the same line to Teri...way too often.  LOL!!!

We are getting old, mate

Quoted from eldave1 We are getting old, mate

We are, but I've been saying that for many years...all the way back to my first wife (and only wife, actually), when I was in my 20's.  LOL!!!