Hey Dave,

I started this a while ago and finished it last night, and I wanted to let it wash over me...

So there's no disputing your talent. You are like a master craftsman - we can hand you some material and some tools, and you're going to make a fully functioning piece out of almost anything.

I tried not to read the comments here and I made a few notes as I went so first, here they are:

- why lead with the flashback?
I was confused with the death which seemed out of nowhere. Was it Natalie? Was the SUPER incorrect and it was supposed to say 4 years EARLIER? On the 2nd read it made sense.

- page 14 - would she have been able to get to an addiction facility with hydrocodone in her purse, and in her pant leg?
Honestly, I'm not sure. Would she be allowed these private possessions in a court-remanded stay? Would her purse be searched upon admission?

- page 18 - 19 - first signs of what appears to be a unique personality in Natalie - dovetails with the arrival of Maria's ghost.

- page 21 - Macalm's speech about the homogeniety of the women - I know this is necessary for one of your plot devices (more on that later), however it struck me as odd.

- page 53 - it was interesting that Macalm cured Natalie of her pain; is he a legit healer? Was her ankle really a crutch?  Good work here.

- page 79 - given what Macalm is up to, is it realistic that these women would be allowed to search the internet, regardless of the level of supervision? Macalm has a camera trigger on his file drawer... would he not have a keystroke program installed on the computers?

- How did Macalm know about her mother's accident? I don't think it was ever explained. Was there a file on Natalie? Had she ever shared that with anyone?

- Why is Natalie the only one Maria is interested in? Oh now I see - same cabin, near the cliff. Then begs the question - was that empty for 4 years? No other reports to Macalm of ghosts. Or was Natalie the first one with no family to occupy?

So this recovery center is essentially a rape mill. Macalm is unhinged, Adena is a willing participant, having been raped 15 years earlier, and Harley, though having recovered here and having stayed on for years, is none the wiser. Except it's not rape, because Macalm gets the women to willingly submit at Step Seven. Which is an interesting psychological twist.

Except Grace kills herself, as did Maria 4 years earlier. Did Grace have family? I'm not sure it was mentioned. I know Sharon has family, Maria did not, and Natalie does not. Grace freaks out before leaving, and Sharon does not. So was Sharon raped? Or does she willingly submit?

I'm not sure I buy the supposition that waifish 30ish drug addicts are more prone to rape because they have no family to complain to. That's a tough sell. That's not the only resource for rape victims. It's probably the last resource for rape victims. Or, are you saying that this profile - young addicts with no family, are more prone to the brainwashing of Macalm? If so then I don't understand the "family" distinction. You go to great lengths to set up family as a plot point. If the latter, then the presence of Sharon, and the rest of the girls with family (re; the outdoor BBQ which Natalie is jealous of), does not fit.

Not sure I'm making any sense here... but I'm looking for continuity in what I see as a major plot point. In addition, Specter's participation is never defined. He puts a whole lot on the line to feed Macalm these women. And how would the public defenders not be aware of Specter's proclivity if this has been happening for years?

So I would definitely not categorize this as a ghost story. The ghost is an intrinsic plot element for the woman who eventually brings this ring down. It's part GIRL, INTERRUPTED, part SLEEPERS (the Bacon-DeNiro movie where the kids are abused), with supernatural elements.

Not sure what to say beyond this other than you've weaved a story together with decent plot elements. I would hyper-focus on a method of storytelling that matches what you want to say with this piece, and get the pre-convention out of the way, about wanting to tell a ghost story. In fact, your logline mitigates against this - it sets us up for a ghost story that we are not delivered. Of course Maria is not a delusion, otherwise we wouldn't have a film. You give that away on page 1 when Maria is killed, a necessary device to "turn her into a ghost."

If you can focus on the evils of opiod addiction, and spend more time with Natalie before she's locked up (we learn more about her in the FORWARD when she ministers to the elderly lady as the nurse than we do in all the preceding events) so that we identify with her, and really dig in to Macalm as a male Nurse Ratchett stuck on THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU, I think you have a pretty decent cautionary tale to tell. And perhaps Macalm's designs can be MORE sinister? The rape, which is not a rape but a submission, followed by selling the women into slavery. That is a plot device that would dovetail with not having family, because then there would be no one to look for these women...

Sorry for the ramblings and sorry if I've misunderstood anything here, it's early, and the 2nd cup of coffee hasn't kicked in yet. Hope this helps, and good luck with this.

AJR

Quoted from ajr Hey Dave, I started this a while ago and finished it last night, and I wanted to let it wash over me...

How funny, - I just finished up my notes on your script and came across this - great minds

Quoted Text So there's no disputing your talent. You are like a master craftsman - we can hand you some material and some tools, and you're going to make a fully functioning piece out of almost anything.

Wow, that's kind of you - thanks.

Quoted Text - why lead with the flashback? I was confused with the death which seemed out of nowhere. Was it Natalie? Was the SUPER incorrect and it was supposed to say 4 years EARLIER? On the 2nd read it made sense.

Wanted to have something a bit more riveting in the opening then the Courtroom scene.

Quoted Text - page 14 - would she have been able to get to an addiction facility with hydrocodone in her purse, and in her pant leg?

Yeah - I'm pretty familiar with this topic having put two sisters through rehab.  They sneak shit in all the time and in every way imaginable.  

Quoted Text Honestly, I'm not sure. Would she be allowed these private possessions in a court-remanded stay? Would her purse be searched upon admission?

Not sure which draft you read - but in subsequent versions I moved the contraband to the cane.

Quoted Text - page 21 - Macalm's speech about the homogeniety of the women - I know this is necessary for one of your plot devices (more on that later), however it struck me as odd.

Thanks, I'm actually debating that with myself right now - not sure it's even needed.

-

Quoted Text page 53 - it was interesting that Macalm cured Natalie of her pain; is he a legit healer? Was her ankle really a crutch?  Good work here.

Thanks - not a healer like a sorcerer - but mind control wise - yes

Quoted Text - page 79 - given what Macalm is up to, is it realistic that these women would be allowed to search the internet, regardless of the level of supervision? Macalm has a camera trigger on his file drawer... would he not have a keystroke program installed on the computers?

That's a good point - hmm.  I like the keystroke idea here very much.

Quoted Text - How did Macalm know about her mother's accident? I don't think it was ever explained. Was there a file on Natalie? Had she ever shared that with anyone?

It was on her moral inventory that simultaneously printed in Malcam's office. In the prior version he was actually holding a copy in that meeting - maybe I need to go back to that.

Quoted Text - Why is Natalie the only one Maria is interested in? Oh now I see - same cabin, near the cliff. Then begs the question - was that empty for 4 years? No other reports to Macalm of ghosts. Or was Natalie the first one with no family to occupy?

Good point. Can I lay down my movie logic trump card Hmm. Will mull it over.

Quoted Text So this recovery center is essentially a rape mill. Macalm is unhinged, Adena is a willing participant, having been raped 15 years earlier, and Harley, though having recovered here and having stayed on for years, is none the wiser. Except it's not rape, because Macalm gets the women to willingly submit at Step Seven. Which is an interesting psychological twist. Except Grace kills herself, as did Maria 4 years earlier. Did Grace have family? I'm not sure it was mentioned. I know Sharon has family, Maria did not, and Natalie does not. Grace freaks out before leaving, and Sharon does not. So was Sharon raped? Or does she willingly submit? I'm not sure I buy the supposition that waifish 30ish drug addicts are more prone to rape because they have no family to complain to. That's a tough sell. That's not the only resource for rape victims. It's probably the last resource for rape victims. Or, are you saying that this profile - young addicts with no family, are more prone to the brainwashing of Macalm? If so then I don't understand the "family" distinction. You go to great lengths to set up family as a plot point. If the latter, then the presence of Sharon, and the rest of the girls with family (re; the outdoor BBQ which Natalie is jealous of), does not fit.

What I was trying to convey is that there were selected women Malcam would prey on. One, they had to have no family. The thought being he could more easily assume a father figure/influencer type role (kind of a stockholm syndrome thing) and his risk exposure would be less. So while he just treated most of the women - selected ones he preyed upon.

Quoted Text Not sure I'm making any sense here... but I'm looking for continuity in what I see as a major plot point. In addition, Specter's participation is never defined. He puts a whole lot on the line to feed Macalm these women. And how would the public defenders not be aware of Specter's proclivity if this has been happening for years?

You are - Specter's role is defined though. He's paid to send women meeting a certain profile there. Not sure the PD's would be aware of this or that it doesn't make sense that they were not.

Quoted Text So I would definitely not categorize this as a ghost story. The ghost is an intrinsic plot element for the woman who eventually brings this ring down. It's part GIRL, INTERRUPTED, part SLEEPERS (the Bacon-DeNiro movie where the kids are abused), with supernatural elements.

Yeah - I'm really lost as to what to label this -

Quoted Text Not sure what to say beyond this other than you've weaved a story together with decent plot elements. I would hyper-focus on a method of storytelling that matches what you want to say with this piece, and get the pre-convention out of the way, about wanting to tell a ghost story. In fact, your logline mitigates against this - it sets us up for a ghost story that we are not delivered. Of course Maria is not a delusion, otherwise we wouldn't have a film. You give that away on page 1 when Maria is killed, a necessary device to "turn her into a ghost." If you can focus on the evils of opiod addiction, and spend more time with Natalie before she's locked up (we learn more about her in the FORWARD when she ministers to the elderly lady as the nurse than we do in all the preceding events) so that we identify with her, and really dig in to Macalm as a male Nurse Ratchett stuck on THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU, I think you have a pretty decent cautionary tale to tell. And perhaps Macalm's designs can be MORE sinister? The rape, which is not a rape but a submission, followed by selling the women into slavery. That is a plot device that would dovetail with not having family, because then there would be no one to look for these women...

Fair points here - others have had similar views. I am going to try a straight drama - no ghost version - of this as well.

Quoted Text Sorry for the ramblings and sorry if I've misunderstood anything here, it's early, and the 2nd cup of coffee hasn't kicked in yet. Hope this helps, and good luck with this. AJR

All helpful stuff, Anthony - much appreciated

My pleasure, Dave. And sorry to hear that you had to go through that with your sisters. That does answer a question for me, though, that I usually ask everyone who sits down to type out a feature, which is - why did you write this?

For me, that's what you have to zero in on, because it comes from a place of raw honesty, and it's what you know. I don't know that you have to fully exclude Maria as a ghost. Maybe the idea here is to spend a little more time with Natalie up front, set her up as a heroine worth rooting for, and somehow have her find out about Maria's death 4 years earlier. Maybe even have flashes of an apparition, which still serves your narrative - is Natalie crazy, or does this woman exist, and was she in a sense murdered at this facilty? That preserves the alliance between Natalie and Harley, as they bond to discover more about Maria, which I thought was worthwhile.

Best of luck with this, I hope you turn it into a winner -

AJR

Quoted from ajr My pleasure, Dave. And sorry to hear that you had to go through that with your sisters. That does answer a question for me, though, that I usually ask everyone who sits down to type out a feature, which is - why did you write this? For me, that's what you have to zero in on, because it comes from a place of raw honesty, and it's what you know. I don't know that you have to fully exclude Maria as a ghost. Maybe the idea here is to spend a little more time with Natalie up front, set her up as a heroine worth rooting for, and somehow have her find out about Maria's death 4 years earlier. Maybe even have flashes of an apparition, which still serves your narrative - is Natalie crazy, or does this woman exist, and was she in a sense murdered at this facilty? That preserves the alliance between Natalie and Harley, as they bond to discover more about Maria, which I thought was worthwhile. Best of luck with this, I hope you turn it into a winner - AJR

A lot of food for thought there - thanks, mate

Hey Dave,

Didn't read comments so I might repeat stuff.

I took a few random notes as I read early on so I'll start with those.

The interrogation after Grace died was a big missed opportunity for tension, especially with Adena watching.

Natalie's self loathing was powerful. I hate myself and I hate you are very short sentences, but the came across very strong. It hit home in regards to Natalie's character.

I love the "step interludes" in blue. Well placed.

In spite of all the weirdness going on around her, Natalie does seem to be improving.

Page63/64 - Maria's ghost coming thru the tv and Natalie's reaction. Both seem a little awkward here. One, Maria coming thru the tv doesn't seem to be the way she would go, not to mention it's very cliche.

And Natalie's reaction seems a little over the top. At this point I can see Natalie building some sort of strange kinship with Maria as opposed to being terrified.

If you do continue to go this way, I would expect Maria's appearance to be much more frightening and unnerving than just an appearance on the tube. This time it caused Natalie to pack her stuff and try and escape, so the initial scare should be worthy of that kind of reaction.

Ok, those were my random notes from a few days ago.

I actually did read one of your responses to a post, and you said you were tinkering with the idea of leaving the ghost out of it entirely. Not for nothing, I was thinking the same thing. You have a drama/psychological thriller here. The ghost aspect seems a little out of place and I don't think it works as well as you want it to.

I do like the set up, and I don't mind slow burn. As long as there is a really good payoff. I think you have a decent payoff, but not a great one.

My biggest issue is Malcam. I just don't buy that the reason he's doing all this is because he wants to get laid.

Nurse Ratched was a great antagonist, although she had no rhyme or reason to be as nasty as she was. Like the Joker, she worked as a villain just because she was drawn so well. Here, you give a great set up of Malcam, but you don't follow through on it. He has no back story, no past for Natalie to uncover. Maybe he is the way he is because something from his past made him that way. I don't know.

Just me, but I would go way over the top with Malcam. He comes to a gruesome fate, give him a reason to deserve it other than the fact he was a weird horn dog who rapes women. Don't get me wrong, rape is pretty damn bad, but you know, we wanna entertain here.

I don't think you put Adena to good use as Malcam's sidekick. She could be a lot meaner, too. A lot more sick and twisted, if that's the direction you want to go in.

I think Harley's demise was too easy. He was a bad ass Marine. I'd like to see him doing some bad ass Marine stuff to Malcam before he bites the dust.

That aside, I like your epilogue, so to speak, as we see Natalie getting on with her life. It's a nice closing that leaves us with some hope for Natalie.

Overall, I enjoyed it and it was a good read, but it needs more punch and character development, imo.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Hey Dave, Didn't read comments so I might repeat stuff. I took a few random notes as I read early on so I'll start with those. Steve

First - thanks for the read and the comments - much appreciated, Steve.

Quoted Text The interrogation after Grace died was a big missed opportunity for tension, especially with Adena watching.

I like that note - yes, that has a lot of potential in it, Thanks.

Quoted Text Natalie's self loathing was powerful. I hate myself and I hate you are very short sentences, but the came across very strong. It hit home in regards to Natalie's character.

Thanks

Quoted Text I love the "step interludes" in blue. Well placed.

Was wondering how that was going to come across - glad it worked for you

Quoted Text Page63/64 - Maria's ghost coming thru the tv and Natalie's reaction. Both seem a little awkward here. One, Maria coming thru the tv doesn't seem to be the way she would go, not to mention it's very cliche.

In terms of cliche - yeah, I get that - but not sure if all ghost scenes are not cliche to some extent. I'll mull that over.

Quoted Text And Natalie's reaction seems a little over the top. At this point I can see Natalie building some sort of strange kinship with Maria as opposed to being terrified.

Disagree here - I like the attempted escape

Quoted Text If you do continue to go this way, I would expect Maria's appearance to be much more frightening and unnerving than just an appearance on the tube. This time it caused Natalie to pack her stuff and try and escape, so the initial scare should be worthy of that kind of reaction.

Got it

Quoted Text I actually did read one of your responses to a post, and you said you were tinkering with the idea of leaving the ghost out of it entirely. Not for nothing, I was thinking the same thing. You have a drama/psychological thriller here. The ghost aspect seems a little out of place and I don't think it works as well as you want it to.

Definitely going to right a no-ghost version of this - I think I can still have Natalie suffering some delusions and I the attempt at horror was an exercise by me to try to explore a genre I have not written in before - my strength is straight drama/thriller and that is I think the best home for this ultimately.

Quoted Text I do like the set up, and I don't mind slow burn. As long as there is a really good payoff. I think you have a decent payoff, but not a great one. My biggest issue is Malcam. I just don't buy that the reason he's doing all this is because he wants to get laid.

You among several others have that issue - I tried to convey that this is really more of an obsession with power - but I don't think it landed.  I have a very drafty version where Malcam is doing this to experiment with his own concoctions of addiction recovery drugs and he is using the ladies as a test lab. I am going to explore that route.

Quoted Text Nurse Ratched was a great antagonist, although she had no rhyme or reason to be as nasty as she was. Like the Joker, she worked as a villain just because she was drawn so well. Here, you give a great set up of Malcam, but you don't follow through on it. He has no back story, no past for Natalie to uncover. Maybe he is the way he is because something from his past made him that way. I don't know.

Not sure I agree here - Nurse R had no backstory by way of example.

Quoted Text Just me, but I would go way over the top with Malcam. He comes to a gruesome fate, give him a reason to deserve it other than the fact he was a weird horn dog who rapes women. Don't get me wrong, rape is pretty damn bad, but you know, we wanna entertain here.

Got it

Quoted Text I don't think you put Adena to good use as Malcam's sidekick. She could be a lot meaner, too. A lot more sick and twisted, if that's the direction you want to go in.

No, I want her like a cult follower - hope that makes sense

Quoted Text I think Harley's demise was too easy. He was a bad ass Marine. I'd like to see him doing some bad ass Marine stuff to Malcam before he bites the dust.

SOmeone else has mentioned that as well - I'll take another look

Quoted Text That aside, I like your epilogue, so to speak, as we see Natalie getting on with her life. It's a nice closing that leaves us with some hope for Natalie.

Thanks

Quoted Text Overall, I enjoyed it and it was a good read, but it needs more punch and character development, imo. Steve

Thanks, Steve - greatly appreciate you taking the time

Hi Dave,

Just finished reading it, wasn't a task. As usual whatever you post is a breazy and captivating read. I didn't take notes but will give you my overall impression and few thoughts.
I wasn't so curious to see what happens to Natalie at the beginning. Not untill her story started to unveil and it happened only during the sessions. So, that was much later in the story.

At the beginning you focus on the judge. I thought he was an interesting character. Later you connect it - he sends the victims to Malcam. I thought you'll tell us why since you started getting into it. But I understand its not important to the story.
so, about that, I think you could cut a little of judge at the beginning, since he's not that imortant. And still give us his motives behind providing Malcam with those women.

At the beginning I'd want to learn little more about Natalie. Something to get me going and wanting to follow her story more closely. A little bit of her story.

I really really liked her story here and the way it unveiled. At first she regrets the car accident and thinks her mother's death is her fault. Then it's her sister - this is genious. And I really liked the group settings.
Maybe you could show her at another rehab and how it never helps. Maybe some of the story could be unveiled there. Thinking of the way it started (minus the very first scene) - court is expensive to produce. Other than the court scene it's extremely low budget. Maybe you could strive to keep it extremely low budget thriller.

The very first scene for me is not fitting here. That might be just me though. It has a victorian feel to it which is not fitting with the rest of the script.

About Maria. I kind of resented her as a ghost from the very beginning. Then I started thinking it was Malcam playing a trick on Natalie. I wish it was that. Otherwise it's just a help out of nowhere. The fact she got Natalie her journal doesn't agree with me also. Then there's another journal, Graces. I'm thinking too many journals.

So, Harley's help is also way too sudden. I'd like to see more of a backstory here. Maybe he was in love with Grace. Or Maria. Something more.

And lastly I wish there was no sexual surrender and Malcam was never lusting these women. Maybe he wants them for something bigger. His helpers. I wish he was completely and utterly insane. He's kind of freeing women - in his head. Or something. Anything more sophisticated than sexual surrender.

It had ups and downs. I really liked the part where he healed her.

The googling Maria Bennett part was hard to buy into btw. Would they let them google at all...

The part where Natalie wanted to escape because she saw the ghost again was hard to believe to. She's kind of taking off. Also, the name made me think it's the ghost of Saint Maria. I wish it was a different name at least.

I also wish there was more of a friendship between Natalie and other women. They don't confide in each other at all otherwise and then Grace suddenly warns Natalie to stay on her guard. And Grace was dismissed, I wonder how that happened. Is sexual satisfaction once all he wants?

I also wish there was more struggle from Grace. I mean more proactive struggle.

I also missed Adena at the end. She should be helping Malcam I'd think.

Sorry for not taking detailed notes.

Quoted from khamanna Hi Dave, Just finished reading it, wasn't a task. As usual whatever you post is a breazy and captivating read. I didn't take notes but will give you my overall impression and few thoughts. I wasn't so curious to see what happens to Natalie at the beginning. Not untill her story started to unveil and it happened only during the sessions. So, that was much later in the story.

Thanks so much for reading and your comments. Much appreciated.

Quoted Text At the beginning you focus on the judge. I thought he was an interesting character. Later you connect it - he sends the victims to Malcam. I thought you'll tell us why since you started getting into it. But I understand its not important to the story. so, about that, I think you could cut a little of judge at the beginning, since he's not that imortant. And still give us his motives behind providing Malcam with those women.

Yes - I agree here and am probably getting rid of him as a plot driver in the next draft. I think the court scene can be whittled down to a page.

Quoted Text At the beginning I'd want to learn little more about Natalie. Something to get me going and wanting to follow her story more closely. A little bit of her story.

Others have also commented that they wanted to see more of an arc. Always torn on these - i.e., how much time does someone spend on the backstory in the beginning vs. getting the story started. A hard balance to strike.

Quoted Text I really really liked her story here and the way it unveiled. At first she regrets the car accident and thinks her mother's death is her fault. Then it's her sister - this is genious. And I really liked the group settings.

Thanks.

Quoted Text Maybe you could show her at another rehab and how it never helps. Maybe some of the story could be unveiled there. Thinking of the way it started (minus the very first scene) - court is expensive to produce. Other than the court scene it's extremely low budget. Maybe you could strive to keep it extremely low budget thriller.

Not sure about that in terms of showing prior rehab failures - I do think it makes sense - a lot of sense actually - to have more scenes where she is talking to her current rehab sisters about her failed attempts in the past - now that you mentioned it - that is really missing - thanks.

Quoted Text The very first scene for me is not fitting here. That might be just me though. It has a victorian feel to it which is not fitting with the rest of the script.

I like it - I think it gives folks to keep in the back of their mind through the first act.

Quoted Text About Maria. I kind of resented her as a ghost from the very beginning. Then I started thinking it was Malcam playing a trick on Natalie. I wish it was that. Otherwise it's just a help out of nowhere. The fact she got Natalie her journal doesn't agree with me also. Then there's another journal, Graces. I'm thinking too many journals.

Hmm. In terms of the journals - that is pretty standard fare for all folks in rehab centers.  Maria's motivation was supposed to be less about helping Natalie and more about seeking justice/revenge for her demise.  Hmm.  Maybe he haunts Malcam??? Spitballing here.

Quoted Text So, Harley's help is also way too sudden. I'd like to see more of a backstory her. Maybe he was in love with Grace. Or Maria. Something more.

I don't know - The point was it was sudden because of the mysterious journal drop in the maintenance building. ie.., I had him purposefully reluctant.

Quoted Text And lastly I wish there was no sexual surrender and Malcam was never lusting these women. Maybe he wants them for something bigger. His helpers. I wish he was completely and utterly insane. He's kind of freeing women - in his head. Or something. Anything more sophisticated than sexual surrender.

Point taken - am working on alternative motives (Steve - above had a similar note)

Quoted Text The googling Maria Bennett part was hard to buy into btw. Would they let them google at all...

Typically they do -  I'm pretty familiar with the protocols here - hat set up is not unusual.

Quoted Text The part where Natalie wanted to escape because she saw the ghost again was hard to believe to. She's kind of taking off. Also, the name made me think it's the ghost of Saint Maria. I wish it was a different name at least.

Noted

Quoted Text I also wish there was more of a friendship between Natalie and other women. They don't confide in each other at all otherwise and then Grace suddenly warns Natalie to stay on her guard. And Grace was dismissed, I wonder how that happened. Is sexual satisfaction once all he wants?

See above - I think I can get there by using your idea regarding talking about past rehab experiences more

Quoted Text I also wish there was more struggle from Grace. I mean more proactive struggle.

Grace is purposefully weak minded - I could see getting rid of her - but not really flipping her personality wise

Quoted Text I also missed Adena at the end. She should be helping Malcam I'd think.

Several folks agree with you here

Quoted Text Sorry for not taking detailed notes.

These were great, Kham - much appreciated.

My absolute pleasure, Dave!

Quoted from eldave1 In terms of cliche - yeah, I get that - but not sure if all ghost scenes are not cliche to some extent. I'll mull that over. Your job to make it not cliche, right!   Not sure I agree here - Nurse R had no backstory by way of example. Well, that’s what I meant. She was such a great character. Malcam needs to be that way too. Currently he’s reading a little thin. Beef him up. No, I want her like a cult follower - hope that makes sense yeah, that makes sense. Just feel she could propel Malcam’s ideals to a new, and sinister, level. Thanks, Steve - greatly appreciate you taking the time.

My pleasure, Dave!

Hello, Dave,

Read the latest draft.

Man I gotta say this was an engrossing read. Well-written as well.

Handling the same story in a different way feels a lot different in a sense.

Some observations:

1) The same problem I faced before, I didn't cared for Harley much. No backstory for us to empathize for him.

2) One more thing I noticed was the relationship between Natalie and other women. It was not less but at the same time not more for me to suffice.

3) Again, Adena felt just like a prop. She's just there to die at the end.

4) I'll again emphasize on Malcolm. He's an odd criminal. Lots of patience.

5) I certainly felt a bit different about Natalie this time. I felt a bit attached to her.

6) Glad that the twist related with the Judge is there.

7) I'll say this again, it is the events/incidents that push forward Natalie in the story not her herself making some mistakes/events/incidents that progresses the story. It's a bit of a let down.

But overall, the writing was as lucid as ever.

Hopefully, these things make any sense. If they do it's great.

Good luck.

( If you are willing, then I do like to have a few suggestions (from your own experience) about writing a feature. Since I'm amidst of writing one, my very first, 9 pages (not great, I know, lol). Hope to hear from you.)

Quoted from Yuvraj Hello, Dave, Read the latest draft. Man I gotta say this was an engrossing read. Well-written as well. Handling the same story in a different way feels a lot different in a sense. Some observations: 1) The same problem I faced before, I didn't cared for Harley much. No backstory for us to empathize for him. 2) One more thing I noticed was the relationship between Natalie and other women. It was not less but at the same time not more for me to suffice. 3) Again, Adena felt just like a prop. She's just there to die at the end. 4) I'll again emphasize on Malcolm. He's an odd criminal. Lots of patience. 5) I certainly felt a bit different about Natalie this time. I felt a bit attached to her. 6) Glad that the twist related with the Judge is there. 7) I'll say this again, it is the events/incidents that push forward Natalie in the story not her herself making some mistakes/events/incidents that progresses the story. It's a bit of a let down. But overall, the writing was as lucid as ever. Hopefully, these things make any sense. If they do it's great. Good luck. ( If you are willing, then I do like to have a few suggestions (from your own experience) about writing a feature. Since I'm amidst of writing one, my very first, 9 pages (not great, I know, lol). Hope to hear from you.)

Thanks for you feedback and read, mate - truly appreciated.

Go ahead and PM me with the questions you have regarding writing a feature. Be glad to help.

Quoted from eldave1 Thanks for your feedback and read, mate - truly appreciated.

No problem.

Quoted from eldave1 Go ahead and PM me with the questions you have regarding writing a feature. Be glad to help.

I know it's too much to ask, but will it be OK if I gmail you the story outline and (just started) script? Then you can suggest me the steps to follow.

If it is OK with you, kindly mention the gmail ID of yours.    

Yep.

I will PM you my email address.

Quoted from eldave1 Yep. I will PM you my email address.

thank you.