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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Step Seven Moderators: bert
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Kirsten
Posted: June 17th, 2020, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Dave,

I'm still working on my thoughts on this but here are some errors I spotted.

Pg 5 fullstop after grounds.
Pg 7. Take most OF your meals.
Pg 18. Space between…. and  points
Pg 37. Didn’t quite take this AS a joke.
Pf 43. Slumps down IN her chair. Not IS her chair.
Pg 67. Space between Adena  grabs.
Pg 79. transcendental Meditation.. lower case m.
Pg 82. Wasn’t going to be the last. Not wouldn’t.
Pg84. Hunting knife, not night.
Pg 92. Snatches them out OF the air.
Pg 94. KeepS his eyes locked


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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eldave1
Posted: June 17th, 2020, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Hi Dave,

I'm still working on my thoughts on this but here are some errors I spotted.

Pg 5 fullstop after grounds.
Pg 7. Take most OF your meals.
Pg 18. Space between…. and  points
Pg 37. Didn’t quite take this AS a joke.
Pf 43. Slumps down IN her chair. Not IS her chair.
Pg 67. Space between Adena  grabs.
Pg 79. transcendental Meditation.. lower case m.
Pg 82. Wasn’t going to be the last. Not wouldn’t.
Pg84. Hunting knife, not night.
Pg 92. Snatches them out OF the air.
Pg 94. KeepS his eyes locked


Thanks much, Kirsten - appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: June 27th, 2020, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Okay Dave,

Sorry this took a while.. This is my first feature critique, so it maybe bad...

A lot of good things have been pointed out already. So just take what makes sense and disregard the rest.

The writing was great and it was an easy read, nice job!

I agree with you about getting rid of the ghost. I personally think it would work better as a psychological/thriller. It issues seem to be the wrong genre and the somewhat passive protagonist and the slightly 'cartoony/bondy villianous' antagonist. The pacing and writing and scene changes are all great...

I found this the other day and it spoke to me, so maybe this will help if you do go the horror route.....https://storygrid.com/secrets-of-the-horror-genre/

You have some intense drama in here in regards to Natalie's therapy with the Doc and the depth of her issues. The therapy sessions are great! I even learned a thing or too. Her admitting to her true guilt was powerful.
Question…. Is it implied that Natalie was sexually abused as well? Her not liking being touched, desperately trying to get out of the cavity search?  

I agree that Nat's character doesn't drive the story enough.
She is battling her inner demons in therapy, but there's not enough of a battle between her and the Doc. She becomes Nancy Drew, which is fine if it's a mystery. The Doc needs to throw more crap at her that's based on his insanity and she needs to keep making stupid choices once the crap is thrown, based around her flaw. Then hopefully she makes the right ones and saves herself from him. It just comes across that she is learning her lesson through therapy and not predominantly with the conflict/battle with the insane Doc..

She/we find out through the journal that he is a rapist..... for me this big revelation comes across as too passive. Maybe she needs to witness this with another girl, horrible as it sounds, instead of us and her being told through a journal???

I did find it odd that Natalie is a nurse, yet she has trouble with strangers? Is this because she has become fearful of people due to her drug addiction? Could she make a point somewhere in the story where she is upset that her drug addiction has made her go into herself, turning her into a fearful and mistrusting person?

"ADENA
There are exceptions of
course...It’s
for your protection.

NATALIE
From what?

A CELL PHONE ALERT is heard. Adena removes a smartphone from
her robe pocket - eyes the screen.

ADENA
Doctor Malcam is available now."

I liked what you did here.... subtle way of letting us know she needs protection from the Doc.....

Anyways, have you decided yet if you will drop the ghost??

Looking forward to the next installment...

Cheers Kirsten






"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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eldave1
Posted: June 27th, 2020, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks much for the read. Kirsten - truly appreciated.

I found the link you shared very interesting. Thanks.


Quoted Text
Question…. Is it implied that Natalie was sexually abused as well? Her not liking being touched, desperately trying to get out of the cavity search?  


Yes - exactly. In earlier drafts, I had this topic in one of the counseling sessions - sacrificed at the altar of page count - I think I need to bring it back.

Thanks again - a lot of good notes to digest.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: June 28th, 2020, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Quoted from eldave1
Thanks much for the read. Kirsten - truly appreciated.

I found the link you shared very interesting. Thanks.



Yes - exactly. In earlier drafts, I had this topic in one of the counseling sessions - sacrificed at the altar of page count - I think I need to bring it back.

Thanks again - a lot of good notes to digest.




"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Kirsten
Posted: June 28th, 2020, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Well there was my attempt at doing the quote thing... dang it.....lol

Anyways you are welcome Dave, and yes I think it would be powerful to get her to admit to her molestation somewhere later, something the insane Doc does to make her blurt it out.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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eldave1
Posted: June 28th, 2020, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Well there was my attempt at doing the quote thing... dang it.....lol

Anyways you are welcome Dave, and yes I think it would be powerful to get her to admit to her molestation somewhere later, something the insane Doc does to make her blurt it out.


You almost got the quote thing right - you just did to type afterward



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kirsten
Posted: June 30th, 2020, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

Location
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373
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Yeah, I think I've figured out what I'm doing wrong...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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eldave1
Posted: June 30th, 2020, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Yeah, I think I've figured out what I'm doing wrong...


Nice!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: December 11th, 2020, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave, nice to see this in the Amateur offerings on Script Shadow -- best of luck getting to the semi final round!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: December 11th, 2020, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hey Dave, nice to see this in the Amateur offerings on Script Shadow -- best of luck getting to the semi final round!

-- Michael


Thanks. Michael - but alas - it does not seem to be getting any traction - okay with that as I know it still needs work (in fact, working on a redraft now).

I had Nun The Wiser in but had to pull it as I signed a shopping agreement for it and didn't want the conflict.

The nice thing is that there are two other writers that are in there (one this week and one that made it right off with a dramedy) that I had given detailed notes on a few months back - so it;s kind of cool to see them progress.

Rooting for Honey Mustard - I actually think this is in Carson's wheelhouse.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: December 11th, 2020, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Thanks. Michael - but alas - it does not seem to be getting any traction - okay with that as I know it still needs work (in fact, working on a redraft now).

I had Nun The Wiser in but had to pull it as I signed a shopping agreement for it and didn't want the conflict.

The nice thing is that there are two other writers that are in there (one this week and one that made it right off with a dramedy) that I had given detailed notes on a few months back - so it;s kind of cool to see them progress.

Rooting for Honey Mustard - I actually think this is in Carson's wheelhouse.



I'm sure it will get some traction, still has the whole weekend. Cool to see Brett on there, too, this week, I know he's SS alumn.

Congrats on Nun the Wiser! That one's a standout for sure! Good road trip flick!

We'll see about Honey Mustard, I think he'd definitely be on board for the first 60/70 pages, not sure how he'll feel about the ending. We'll see! Either way, I'm gonna try my damnedest to get that one made eventually.

Congrats again, man!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: December 11th, 2020, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k


I'm sure it will get some traction, still has the whole weekend. Cool to see Brett on there, too, this week, I know he's SS alumn.

Congrats on Nun the Wiser! That one's a standout for sure! Good road trip flick!

We'll see about Honey Mustard, I think he'd definitely be on board for the first 60/70 pages, not sure how he'll feel about the ending. We'll see! Either way, I'm gonna try my damnedest to get that one made eventually.

Congrats again, man!

-- Michael


Thanks,  dude


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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