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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Flotsam Moderators: bert
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  Author    Flotsam  (currently 2344 views)
Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2020, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Flotsam by Ben Clifford - Horror - An academic researcher studying a mysterious, historic slave-ship wreck in an isolated town in Australia is drawn into a monstrous "tradition" which threatens both herself and her unborn child.  80 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC  -  May 5th, 2020, 11:38pm
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AlsoBen
Posted: May 5th, 2020, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much Don!!

I would love any feedback on this one. I was going for a Sharp Objects/Babadook vibe if that helps.

I’m mostly worried about - the ending/resolution, with which I struggled, and the sensitivity of the racial themes.

P.S I must have misspelled it when I submitted the script but the title is actually “Flotsam” with an A.


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LC
Posted: May 5th, 2020, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Fixed.


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Colkurtz8
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Interesting read with a unique, historical fiction slant meshed with psychological horror.

Has it undergone much change since I read it, Ben?


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Arundel
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Title doesn't really match up with the story here. I was expecting some underwater shipwreck action, at least maybe something like "Leviathan" hehe.

Characters were good. Writing was good.

Not a fan of flashbacks. When I start seeing them is when I usually tune-out of a script, but I went ahead with this one.

Started to get jumbled for me towards the end and also not a blood/gore fan (anymore) so a lot of skimming took place at this juncture.
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AlsoBen
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@col - it's a little different. I didn't do a total overhaul yet, I'm still sieving through all my feedback. Mostly changed some of the less clear passages (thanks for your feedback - it helped a lot).

@Arundel - thanks so much for reading this! I like the title because it works (at least somewhat) on both definitions but I take your point.

I agree about the ending being jumbled. Appreciate you making it all the way thru regardless.


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spesh2k
Posted: May 7th, 2020, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey man, I'll try getting to this over the weekend at some point.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
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Gave this a read.

The PODCAST scene with Helen dragged for me a little bit. I know a lot of writers hate this – but I seemed to be an ideal place to flashback to some scenes aboard that ship – especially during the wreck. Anyway –   it drags just a bit here.

NOTE: as I went on I saw that there were tons of flashbacks already - so maybe not another one. Maybe just find a way to make the above crisper.

The Madison – Jaime sexual romp seemed way too early to me. It seemed inorganic.

P26 - Those paragraphs that are theoretically to be read by the viewer of the film are a bit long – have a hard time seeing how that is going to work visually. Maybe a VO instead?

P31 – The Doctor warns her not to stay – didn’t seem realistic that it would be left at that. i.e., after this:


Quoted Text
DR. SINGH
I think I’d worry about you if you stuck around, Madison.


There would definitely be a follow-up from Madison.

P38. Falling into a dream sequence while Jaime is doing the deed. Seemed really unlikely - unbelievable.

Okay, I’m on page 47 and starting to feel a bit disjointed. Like weird shit is just happening for the sake of weird shit happening.  It’s all very well written but I wanted to let you know at this point I am starting to lose the thread of the story and caring less because I feel I’m getting some shock scenes for the sake of shock.  It's becoming rinse and repeat rather than a progression and it is getting more chaotic story-wise.

Madison sure is a train wreck of a human being – at the scene now where John flops his peter on the desk asking her to call him Doctor. No scream or protest from her. This scene is a derailment for me. You may get a laugh here with the Doctor line and I know you don't want that.

Okay – just going to read till the end.

Okay - done.

Man.  So, first - I dig your writing style. You are very visual and anyone scene was a nice scene. But I really felt like I was being tossed around as I progressed through the story  - and not in a good way - like I'm getting thrown stuff out of the blue and in several cases I lost the thread of the story.

It is almost as if you took two stories - the slave ship one and the Korey one and masked them together and tossed in a lot of disturbing sexual and torture rituals to put it on steroids  - any one part worked - but did not work as a whole. Personally, the slave shipwreck premise of the story is what had the most interest for me. I wanted that to be front and center throughout. Instead, the story turns into something less interesting.

Again - the writing is really solid. This is just not a movie I would want to see. Hope that makes sense and hope these notes help in someway.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Colkurtz8
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Quoted from AlsoBen
@col - it's a little different. I didn't do a total overhaul yet, I'm still sieving through all my feedback. Mostly changed some of the less clear passages


Cool, best of luck with it


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AlsoBen
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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@spesh - Thanks! I look froward to it - I'm currently finishing up a read for another user here but after that I'm planning on starting Honey Mustard

@eldave - First, thanks so much for reading this, I really appreciate it. I'm not sure I agree about Jamie and Madison sleeping together being inorganic. Madison is established to be black-out-drunk throughout most of the script and is, as you said, a trainwreck and an alcoholic. Maybe it's a cultural difference but it's very common for young people to sleep together soon after meeting, especially drunk people.

Yeah I'm not sure how to finish the doctor scene without having her leave town altogether.

I really appreciate the feedback - this is kind of two premises I've had in one so I can see how you'd feel that.

Thanks again


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eldave1
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Quoted from AlsoBen
@spesh - Thanks! I look froward to it - I'm currently finishing up a read for another user here but after that I'm planning on starting Honey Mustard

@eldave - First, thanks so much for reading this, I really appreciate it. I'm not sure I agree about Jamie and Madison sleeping together being inorganic. Madison is established to be black-out-drunk throughout most of the script and is, as you said, a trainwreck and an alcoholic. Maybe it's a cultural difference but it's very common for young people to sleep together soon after meeting, especially drunk people.

Yeah I'm not sure how to finish the doctor scene without having her leave town altogether.

I really appreciate the feedback - this is kind of two premises I've had in one so I can see how you'd feel that.

Thanks again


My pleasure.

Regarding Madison and James - I have flipped my position now once I got through the whole thing. It makes sense now. (wrote notes as I read)


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: May 12th, 2020, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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I swear, I'm getting to this one within the next few days, Ben! Been a busy weekend!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AlsoBen
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Thanks Dave, and no problem Spesh - no rush


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spesh2k
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Hey Ben,

So, this was an interesting read. I got a lot of "Wicker Man" and "Midsommar" vibes. That being said, I wasn't always sure what was going on, which I'm sure was by design. It felt like an acid-trip with the chaos of a fevered dream.

The writing was very solid -- there are a lot of great visuals here, many of them jarring and memorable. Even at the beginning when Madison is waiting for her ride and sees the two people randomly having sex under a tree -- this set the surreal tone. The visual felt very menacing. And the tone was consistent throughout. Other off-beat visuals and scenes, like the John kid feeling her stomach in the middle of the street, really captured the surreal tone of this.

There's a lot here, however, that didn't seem to have any payoff. It just felt like some things were thrown in there. I didn't understand John's whole part in this story -- did he set this whole thing up? He seems surprised to find out that Madison's pregnant, so I'm guessing no. What I didn't understand was his relation really to the whole overall theme of the story. I get that it's part of Madison's arc -- she's pregnant with his child. And she was with him before the tragic car accident with her son. But his involvement seemed very obscure, as did many other aspects of the story.

I still don't understand the relation between the wrecked ship, the slaves and the overall story. I understand that the original ritual involved these slaves, particular the woman, in particular. But a lot of things seemed very unclear to me. I didn't see the parallels between what happened with that wrecked ship and the voodoo that was taking place. And I wasn't sure how it was related to the tragic car accident -- did the vision of the slave woman really cause the accident? Or was that just a dream?

Sorry if my comments aren't entirely articulate, I was just very confused by the story. It's definitely intriguing with some really intriguing visuals and scenes, it just feels very chaotic. Even the ritual itself, I wasn't sure what the goal was exactly of this ritual and why all the town's people seemed to be behind it.

Once I have a little more coffee, I'll think about this a little more and hopefully have more helpful comments.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AlsoBen
Posted: May 29th, 2020, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Michael! I look forward to your full thoughts.


Quoted Text
I didn't understand John's whole part in this story -- did he set this whole thing up? He seems surprised to find out that Madison's pregnant, so I'm guessing no. What I didn't understand was his relation really to the whole overall theme of the story. I get that it's part of Madison's arc -- she's pregnant with his child. And she was with him before the tragic car accident with her son. But his involvement seemed very obscure, as did many other aspects of the story.


John shows how Madison is a person who will let anyone do anything to her - part of her characteristic compliance and lack of assertiveness. I think Zellah comments on this in part of the script. The character growth for Madison is that she actually fights off the forced abortion in the final scenes when it would have been easier for her to sleep through it.


Quoted Text
I still don't understand the relation between the wrecked ship, the slaves and the overall story. I understand that the original ritual involved these slaves, particular the woman, in particular. But a lot of things seemed very unclear to me. I didn't see the parallels between what happened with that wrecked ship and the voodoo that was taking place. And I wasn't sure how it was related to the tragic car accident -- did the vision of the slave woman really cause the accident? Or was that just a dream?


OK so the theme/moral/whatever of Flotsam is about how Western people magicalise (is that a word?) and bastardise traditional cultures of coloured people (I.E yoga, traditional medicines, "spiritual readings"). There is nothing in Merrick or the script that definitively indicates magic/ghosts/curses are afoot. Dr. Richards, and the townspeople, are desperate to change what is basically just economic poverty and choose to believe that the Igbo people cursed them. They've misinterpreted ancient texts and legends and concocted the "cure" to the curse (disemboweling pregnant woman and burning their fetuses). The ending scene - poorly written by me - is supposed to imply that the baby Madison steals is NOT her dead son resurrected and just a random baby, but Madison is drunk and very mentally unwell throughout the movie and does not realize this.

Madisons "visions" of a ghostly Adaeze are a combination of black-out drunk dreams, mixing alcohol with benzos, and trauma-induced stress. She gets so wrapped up in the town's theatrical ritual that she believes they are cursed too.

I do  completely appreciate how this is not explicitly clear in the script, though; I wanted to focus more on atmosphere and horror and cut out a bunch of shitty exposition.

Thanks again dude



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spesh2k
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Quoted Text
I do  completely appreciate how this is not explicitly clear in the script, though; I wanted to focus more on atmosphere and horror and cut out a bunch of shitty exposition.


I can dig it, man. I think this would play really well on screen... and probably would be less confusing for idiots like myself. Like I said, a lot of cool visuals and creepy atmosphere/tone. I do like the abstract kinda feel you got going with this. I like movies that leave the interpretation open to the audience -- it makes for great conversation. Would make a cool arthouse horror flick in the tradition of other fucked up movies like "Wicker Man", "Midsommar", "Rosemary's Baby" and maybe even the very underrated "Endless"... which I didn't really understand. But I enjoyed the shit outta the ride.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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BillyJ
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Hey Ben, sorry I've taken ages but heres atleast half of the review.

The begining grabbed my attention and there's a eerie way you've described your noises and voices. I like it, one of the most important things about horror films and using that to your level is a plus. One page in and you have me hooked! The hopelessness you feel in that opening sequence is great. Making your main character a girl and vulnerable pulls us in as readers, making them want to escape to that safety.
- I love the emptiness of lighting you used on page 3 - very visual and you set a nice tone.
One thing I thought I would 'correct formatting' not that this is so much important, because well I just don't think getting into it this much importantly is even worth it but anyways - Aparently phone calls are (V.O) not (O.S) This is something I've just learnt recently too (by the way to me it don't fucking matter lol - just thought i'd tell you what I learnt). I think everybody understands what you were saying.

But also, heres another thing I've just learnt when somebody says something on tv next to the name you put FILTERED not even a (V.O) or (O.S) - My supper fun fact of the week to keep you excited off your feet!

I ould suggest that with the introduction to John and Maddisons relationship there were more of a description on their relationship. That being said you're dialog, you manage to get to the point while still coming across as very natural charrocters.

Ben I love your description of Merrick, your faded yellow signs, it makes me feel like I'm out there. The distrraught neglect of it all.
Some people say don't be too descriptive with rooms - I say maybe not always, because what you've done to Dr. Richards house, gave it some creepy auesthetic whilst still cutting it down. If that were me I'd love to get some of your skill on opening scenes and how you describe new places. You're very skilled with that and I wouldn't take anyones advice on trying to change that. Unless I'm wrong but whatever, I don't think I am.

Also another thing Ia have to bring up, was this a real shipreck? If it is this is fucking scary as shit. Also if it is, well done man I love these sorts of films that bring a essence of real life in. Makes it all the more interesting.

I think on your creepiness building (tension) you have it spot on but one thing I would change is maybe the scene with Maddison doing the podcast, something goes wrong right there even if it's logical. Like an old antique falls or something?

Just a quick notw I would get Helens and Maddisons ending of the phone conversation (page 12), maybe Helens characteristics or attitude can change once the podcast is over. Make her more human when she's stopped recording.

On page 15 it would come across more hair-on-neck-standing, that moment when Zellah touches Maddison's stomach (womb) maybe something eeriely can happen then, like her mother's V.O or some distaughted visions for Maddison. Make us hear some horrid noises for half a second.

On page 16 Jamie should say something more about Dr. Richards, like make an old wives tale right there? That would be a great place to slot it in.
But Jamie's and Maddisons relationship is so well written, I got to give it to you, and I havn't got into the anatomy of why I love Jamie so much, but I will. You've thought alot about you're characters, you've made them down to earth people too, so when they're freaked out, we definately know there's something to be worried about.

On page 17 - "Suddenly the noise of the woman sobbing ..... No this is coming from outside the bathroom" LOVE IT! and again being a little nerd - there's some screenwriters that would say - 'don't be so narrative' - I agree but in some cases. Surely this script is good with what you put in there. But surely that makes our mind more like a puzzle, as soon as you say it - "No this is coming from outside the bathroom" that makes us move with the character.

OK ben that's two pages typed of what I've written on paper, sorry taken so long just got home last night. I'll type the rest up this week.
Overall I do enjoy your writting, you have a technique that makes the characters as interesting as they are, be sorrounded by this much bigger picture. I'll get back to you soon in a few days with some more of the report - that's about the first 20 pages. Stay safe man.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Billy, no rush. Thanks for the little read.


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BillyJ
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No don’t worry I’ve done upto 50 pages now just need to type it up I don’t know why I did it on paper


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BillyJ
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OK. Let's continue and apologies again for taking this long, I really don't mean to.

So how you open you're scenes, I'm really a fan of, you have a talent of using either focused shots which grow into your scenes and I think that's great visual story telling. On page 22 - I know you have the voice over is there anyway to insert a cut instead? probably just my taste but I'm gunna get grilled for the V.O too soon, just been reading some of my diolog and fuck me it sounds cheesy as fuck voice over. I just think with Maddisons mother if there's a way to bring us back to the memory of her saying that or if it's a ghost idk. It don't matter.

I think another big help would be to add in some audio stuff to make us realise how Maddison feels, like on page 22 when she hears the screams of the toddler - make us hear her pulsing blood or something or heartbeat or weird breathing (just a suggestion) don't matter. But you have written psychologically teasingly and I like it.

You're writing for the surgery I think was simple, eleagant and efficiant, it was defo a smooth read and the diolog with Doctor Singh was as real as any doctor I've been to. Maybe if he gave more of a reason why maddison shouldn't stay in the town though? (By the way I could be completetly wrong I'm just saying what I'd do)

Another thing, you're talented with you're scene locations and formatting, reading this script I'm learning from you.
Page 33! Yeah that's some spine tingling horror! I got to give it to you Ben, you got the vision to creep us all out.
I just want to compliment you on the relationship writing between Jamie and Maddison, it's down to earth and believable. I might add to play on Jamie's sensitivities some more, when you write like that, it makes him come across as likeable, like when he's in the car asking if everything was alright after he slept with Maddison, that side of him just makes us love him, and realise he really cares, by showing his vulnerabilities.

I'm gunna keep going my friend unless you want me to stop, if you want me to message instead let me know bro.


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BillyJ
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I really do like how strange everything turns around Korey, And how you started the movie off with the car accident, you've used that as a pretty good spine throughout the movie.
When Jamie finds out that Zellah is involved, because that's his friend maybe he doubts Maddison for a moment when she tries to call the police or asks for the phone. on around page 50.

On page 51 I really like how everything is turning on Maddison I would suggest maybe that the same policeman is seen ealier in the film or something maybe he's loitering but I do love these types of films in the end when everything turns on them a little Ari Aster! When normal things start to become strange and the answers arn't so logical anymore. Like shutter island too that was a great film.
I think some of the action lines don't need to be there like with Maddison's voice being hoarse I think that should be in the parenthesis on page 52.

I do enjoy your features of the rain and the mud and the visibility it all links up to this horrific aesthetic. Flash flooding on page 54, very good idea, keep them isolated. It also really reminds me of Darren Aronofsky's mother, how you've warped and sent us into some psychotic episode with Maddion.



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AlsoBen
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Thanks for the read Billy, I’ll get going finishing your Arab Spring script. I’m on my phone so I can’t refer to the specific pages you’ve highlighted but I will do so later.

Glad you found it scary, ive not really written horror before so that’s nice to hear.

Agree that there a few scenes that lack clarity and are a bit too unclear so I’ll make sure to fix that up.

Thanks again


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BillyJ
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Thankyou and your doing good man you’re still a better writer then me and love your script


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