The Potem* by Zack Akers - Horror, Comedy - When a heinous cult mistakenly summons an ancient fiend, a group of nearby hikers must band together with an eccentric stranger if they hope to escape the woods with their lives! 84 pages  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Production: Extremely low-budget-friendly script.

*script removed.

Thanks for getting this one up so fast, Don. Much appreciated.

This is a reworked version of my first original feature "Running In The Woods". Put a much larger emphasis on the characters and their dialog, as well as leaned into a more comedic tone throughout.

I'd love to get some feedback on this. Am down to exchange for another horror feature. Or a handful of horror shorts. Hit me up.

Read the first twenty, Zack, and I'll just say this is has an effortless and very Pro feel to it.

This I didn't get:
Clay kisses his teeth, shakes his head.

A wide circle of lit torches brighten the area, eight torches
to be exact.
Do we need to know it's eight exactly? Perhaps there's significance with body count? Otherwise it came off as a bit of author intervention.

Your style took me back to classic witchcraft in the woods films. But this also has a Race with the Devil meets Midsommer feel to it, plus a homage to a lot of schlocky (in a good way) slasher flicks.

Some great character descriptions:
In the center of the circle stands LON WHITMORE, 58, a mean
looking, skinny old bastard.

Beside him is MARGRET WHITMORE, 55, even meaner and uglier
than her husband.
Of course..

They're his parents?  !

Okay, love the way the ground opened up.

Ooh, and now new characters... So, that was Prologue only?

Lots of camera angles and Directing but it didn't bother me at all.

JACK
Oh, cut me some slack. I've never been...
You need to format a CONT'D here on page 20. Not sure if I noticed others.

That's all I have time for at the mo' but what I read was impressive for the genre. Characters, dialogue, nice touches of humour, all good, nothing stood out as clunky.

You're a natural at this stuff!

Thanks for giving this one a peek. Very happy to hear you enjoyed the first 20 pages. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the rest.

"This I didn't get:
Clay kisses his teeth, shakes his head."

It's an expression. Here's what google says... "There is the short, sharp kiss from the front teeth on either side. Usually, this denotes minor irritation or mild disapproval." But you aren't the first one to question that description. I'll try to rephrase it.

"Do we need to know it's eight exactly? Perhaps there's significance with body count? Otherwise it came off as a bit of author intervention."

Nope. That's a bit of overwriting on my part. Good catch.

"Your style took me back to classic witchcraft in the woods films. But this also has a Race with the Devil meets Midsommer feel to it, plus a homage to a lot of schlocky (in a good way) slasher flicks."

I'll take that as a massive compliment.

"Ooh, and now new characters... So, that was Prologue only?"



"Lots of camera angles and Directing but it didn't bother me at all."

I refuse to give up on the dream of one day filming this myself.

Thanks again for the high praise. You've seriously made my night. If you ever need a fresh set of eyes on one of your scripts, let me know. I owe you more than a few reads. Lol.

Hey mate, starting this today.

Notes as I read...

SPOILERS MAYBE...

Pg 1

Quoted Text while a bridge to a dark realm becomes manifest.

maybe just "while a bridge to a dark realm manifests". Just sounds a bit awkward the other way.

Pg 6

Quoted Text CLAY Damn! That looks nasty as fuck. She got ya' pretty good, huh Otis?

huh, Otis?

Pg 9

Quoted Text Ya' fools!

ya', fools!

Pg 10

Quoted Text what looks like bone. She looks to Clay, shoots him an excited grin.

This is a bit repetitive in a couple of ways, maybe just... " what looks like bone. She glaces at Clay, shoots him an excited grin."

Or better yet, get rid of the redundancy... "what looks like bone. She shoots Clay an excited grin."

Pg 14

Quoted Text From behind Debbie, a hand reaches out, grabs her shoulder. She spins around and -- Comes face to face with Paul.

I think this could be slightly more effective written as... "She spins around and comes face to face with --

Paul.

That way we have no idea what she comes face to face with until he's right there. Small issue.

Pg 15

Quoted Text In a flash, Amy's silhouette is torn our of view!

out of view?

Pg 27

I think you might have some continuity issues...

We start with:

Quoted Text S U P E R : V e r n o n G r o v e H i l l s , O h i o . A u g u s t 1 3 t h , 1 9 9 4

Then...

Quoted Text S U P E R : T h e N e x t D a y . . .

Then...

Quoted Text GWEN It's nineteen ninety-nine. It's not weird. It's progressive.

I may have missed something?

Pg 33

Quoted Text With his rifle at the read,

ready

Pg 36

Quoted Text let's get the Hell

This is too repetitive, change up "hell" in a few of the instances you use this.

Pg 40

Quoted Text severed penis and scrotum gripped tight between his fingers!

I don't know that this image was completely necessary. You have a lot of good gore, this is maybe a little too much.

Reading on... IMO the whole penis bit can go. Others might disagree and you might be really committed to it but I'm not a fan. The body part that hits her could be anything.

Pg 44

Quoted Text deeper into the woods. He CRIES out in agony from the woods.

Maybe clean up the repetition.

Quoted Text Oh God!

Oh, God!

I know you like a good horror cliche and this is chock full of them. I'll be right back and twigs snapping all over the place and people falling all over themselves

Pg 51

Quoted Text beaten path

You use this a few times too, mix it up a bit.

Pg 55

Is it explained why the highway is safer than the woods? It's mentioned a few times... reading on.

Pg 60

Quoted Text Whatever it is, it's stalking towards him!

A bit awkward as we all know what it is at this point.

Pg 67

Quoted Text A thick puddle of blood begins to puddle up around her.

Repetition. Get rid of one of the puddles.

Pg 68

So Andagis is in the road? I thought the road was safe? That point is confusing me a little.



And done!

Super quick read at 70 pages.

So you will probably know some of my thoughts on this based on reviews I've done on your work in the past.

The writing is solid, no issues there. It flows well, I saw what you wanted me to see (sometimes I didn't want to see what you wanted me to see ). It's just a well written screenplay. A couple of things that need to be cleaned up and some choices I would do differently from a formatting point of view but they are all nit picks really.

Story wise... I don't think it's your strongest piece, it's a pretty standard creature feature IMO. I also did feel like it was a bit too short and that there should have been a bit more resolution as far as what happens to Andagis. It does feel set up for a sequel but I don't think there is really enough here to do that, especially if all he is going to be doing is chasing another group of people around the woods and killing them. I think you would be better suited to making this stronger as a stand alone piece, send Andagis back to Hell, close the loop. I also think I personally would have liked Rick to do the sending and have him make more of a sacrifice of himself for one of the other characters (redemption). I guess he does do that but I think this could have been done much better. Like if he was dragged to hell with Andagis. He could yell out "I',m coming for you, Otis!"


Anyway, just some things to think about.

Was a fun read regardless, very brutal and made for a very specific audience.

Congrats on another feature, you're churning thee out like nothing else!

Hi Zack

Read it and enjoyed it.

I believe you've been working at your craft for a good time now - well it's certainly paying off. Very well written throughout.

There was a lot like. A number of deffo funny moments - Gwen and Eric proposing to each other during demonic attack! Haha.
I love this line -

Jack
I’m fucked. Fuck!

Golden.

Some great scene set ups - the red moon. Added an eerie ambience to my visualisations.

I was really down with the vibe you were going for, I think comedy horror is the best bet for spec scripts as true horror is such a hard sale on paper.

I'm all onboard for the OTT brutality. He's knack for dismembering genitals etc. In fact, I wanted more! I want Andagis to be the king of laugh out loud OTT dismemberment. An actual sadistic architect on what he does. Leaving bodies in such an outrageous state, the viewer can't help but crack up when they see it. Kinda he's calling card, he's USP. Could also chuck a couple of extra douch victims in there for him to really have some with.

Yours was still funny, and this a great script - but I think that 'tongue in cheek card' could be stretched to the maximum!

Having read the review after mine I thought I should come back and clarify...

So... only just now seeing this is meant to be a horror/comedy, I didn't read the genre description. So I went in thinking I was getting a horror and to my mind that is what I got, but with a little humour thrown in to ease the tension (not uncommon in horrors).

In saying that the penis thing makes more sense but I'm still not a fan.

Also my recommendation for Rick staying alive till the end and then finding some redemption probably doesn't fit and it's a much more dramatic tone.

I will say that as I read it I did not think I was reading a horror/comedy, sure there were some funny lines put in here and there (again, happens in a lot of straight horrors), I didn't feel that this had the tone of a horror/comedy.

Because of that, I think my comments on story are not overly productive to what you want.

I'd be taking advise from members that found this really funny, like Colin.

Hey, Warren. Thanks for giving this one a look. Always appreciate your opinion. Hope you've been doing well and have been making good progress on your project.



"Pg 27

I think you might have some continuity issues..."

Good catch. Fixed this one and another continuity that pops up later.



"I don't know that this image was completely necessary. You have a lot of good gore, this is maybe a little too much.

Reading on... IMO the whole penis bit can go. Others might disagree and you might be really committed to it but I'm not a fan. The body part that hits her could be anything."

Yeah, I figured this might rub some people the wrong way. It's totally meant to be a gross-out funny moment. Lol. Cheap laugh, I know, but I think it's hilarious.



"I know you like a good horror cliche and this is chock full of them. I'll be right back and twigs snapping all over the place and people falling all over themselves ."

Oh yeah. Horror cliches are like comfort food for me. So much fun to play around with them. I know it's not to everyone's tastes, but I love it. Lol



"Pg 55

Is it explained why the highway is safer than the woods? It's mentioned a few times... reading on."

Getting to the highway is the group's best bet for escaping. But it is in no way a sure thing. Suppose I need to make that clearer. I'll see what I can do.



"Pg 68

So Andagis is in the road? I thought the road was safe? That point is confusing me a little."

Andagis isn't bound to any single location. He's allowed access to our world for the duration of the Potem (72 hours). I've got something pretty cool in mind for the sequels.



"Story wise... I don't think it's your strongest piece, it's a pretty standard creature feature IMO. I also did feel like it was a bit too short and that there should have been a bit more resolution as far as what happens to Andagis. It does feel set up for a sequel but I don't think there is really enough here to do that, especially if all he is going to be doing is chasing another group of people around the woods and killing them. I think you would be better suited to making this stronger as a stand alone piece, send Andagis back to Hell, close the loop."

Oh, yeah. I sequel bait hard. This will be a trilogy. One day. Lol. Sorry the story didn't really do it for you.



"Was a fun read regardless, very brutal and made for a very specific audience."

Yep. This definitely isn't for everyone. Lol. That said, I do believe there is an audience out there for this sort of thing. Hopefully, I'm right.

Thanks again for taking time out of your day and reading this. I appreciate it more than you know.

What's up, Colin. Thanks for giving this one a quick read. Stoked to hear that you enjoyed it so much. Sounds like you are my target audience.

"I believe you've been working at your craft for a good time now - well it's certainly paying off. Very well written throughout."

Any and all progress that I've made as a writer is thanks to Simplyscripts.

"There was a lot like. A number of deffo funny moments - Gwen and Eric proposing to each other during demonic attack! Haha."

You have no idea how relieved I am that I'm not the only one who finds this stuff funny. Lol

"Some great scene set ups - the red moon. Added an eerie ambience to my visualisations."

I imagine the filmed version would have a red tint to the picture. Happy you enjoyed the visuals.

"I'm all onboard for the OTT brutality. He's knack for dismembering genitals etc. In fact, I wanted more! I want Andagis to be the king of laugh out loud OTT dismemberment. An actual sadistic architect on what he does. Leaving bodies in such an outrageous state, the viewer can't help but crack up when they see it. Kinda he's calling card, he's USP."

I agree. I need to push it even further. Any suggestions?

"Yours was still funny, and this a great script - but I think that 'tongue in cheek card' could be stretched to the maximum!"

Thanks for the kind words. And I agree... This needs another pass before it reaches its potential.

Hi Zack

In terms of stretching the silliness - I was thinking Andagis could perhaps turn his victims frailties against them in really gruesome comic fashion. So for example if you introduced a couple of arrogant rich materialistic smuck's, Andagis could maybe rearrange their body parts into a dollar sign or summit. Maybe not the best example and a little cliche'd, but I think Andagis or the way in which he goes about things needs something unique. And hilarious.

Might cause a bit of a creative headache. That's the bugger. But if you can land on something that's standout funny and sadistic, would all be worth it! Might take a bit of time

Good luck buddy - will look out for any updated versions

"Maybe not the best example and a little cliche'd, but I think Andagis or the way in which he goes about things needs something unique. And hilarious."

I totally get what you are saying. And I did try to give Andagis a little bit of personality, particularly in the scene where he laughs at a horrified Gwen and Haley. But you are right. I need to push it farther. Hmmm. Thanks for the brain juice, Dude. Let me know if and when I can return the read.

Cheers Zack - Yeah I'm hopefully gonna muster the bravery to whack one of my feature scripts on here - Would be great if somebody actually read it lol!

Quoted from ColinS Cheers Zack - Yeah I'm hopefully gonna muster the bravery to whack one of my feature scripts on here - Would be great if somebody actually read it lol!

If you've got any horror,  I'll happily take a look! Do you have any work available here on SS?

New draft up.

Also have a poster that I'd like to share. Can I email it to you, Don?

Quoted from Zack New draft up. Also have a poster that I'd like to share. Can I email it to you, Don?

Hi Zack,

yes, please email.

webmaster@simplyscripts.com

best,

Don