Hey Zack - Gave the new draft a read, it felt like it flowed that little bit smoother, so nice work. That said, I didn't have any problems with the original read so you might not have changed to much there lol.

What I'm pretty certain you have changed though is the violence and comic gore. Andagis totally dismantles people and I like it. It reads funny and would no doubt be a blast on screen.

I loved the scrotum landed flat in Gwen's face. Hilarious. Was that new? I didn't remember it from the first read.

Definitely improved in my opinion. I was all for stretching the comic violence. Mission accomplished!

Page 41 -

GWEN
         Eric, what are going to do?

Jus needs amending, only one I noticed.

It's an enjoyable script which would fit nicely into the growing comedy horror trend, hope it gets into the hands of the right person one day.

Not entirely sure about extremely low budget lol

Thanks for reading this new draft, Colin! Stoked to hear that you enjoyed this draft even more. Your advice from your previous review definitely made in impact.

The scrotum bit isn't new, but the pierced shaft is a little extra I threw in to pay off a joke set up at the beginning. Lol

Thanks for spotting that typo. Ugh. One always sneaks by me.

Really appreciate your review, Dude. Is there anything of yours that I could read in return?

Quoted from Don Hi Zack, yes, please email. webmaster@simplyscripts.com best, Don

Emailed it to you. Thanks, Don.

Thanks for getting the poster up, Don.

The poster was created by my lovely wife.  

Great vibe with the poster, Zack!
Very nice.

Hi Zack - Appreciate your appreciation lol.

I'm gonna put up a feature either this Monday or next, just giving one last re-write. It's one I've been messing around with for quite a while now. It's not horror, though I do love horror, it is a sci-fi comedy. It's a 116 pages but I swear it is a quick 116 pages!

Your feedback would be super appreciated.

Just seen your poster - Lovely job. Simply, stylish and to the point!

Thanks, Colin. Appreciate your kind words.

Hell yeah I'll take a look at your feature! Let me know once it's up on the boards. Or, you can send it to my email.

zack.akers.89@gmail.com

Hey Zack,

SPOILERS THROUGHOUT:
Wow, this was quite a ride. I'm not a big fan of Horror/gore type scripts/movies, but this being a horror/comedy,
well, I took a "stab" at it. Read it, flipped the pages, easy read, wanted to know what the hell was going on. It
entertained me. I liked it, even if the gore was piled on at times, IMO.

The story with teens and a campsite in the wilderness with a Monster hunting them is nothing ground-breaking,
but you managed to squeeze out a pretty good story with the "red moon" and ANDAGIS. The way you peel off
the layers as the script progresses and keep the reader interested, good work.

I got a better feel for the second group of teen characters (Gwen, Haley, Eric, Jack) than the first 4-teens in the opening, which is probably what you intended. My favorite character was Jack. He was so well written, a blast to
read, great dialogue and also Rick was written well, IMO. Good Dialogue throughout, your strong point. I believe, Action can be tightened a bit more.

The way Sara was "swallowed" was pretty cool.

Script a little short at 70+ pages.

Nice image posted in this thread.

Towards the end, I was thinking the pot-head, "gym-rat and fashion icon", JACK, would save Gwen and Haley.
Oh, well, you had other plans or should I say, ANDAGIS had other plans.

You even mentioned my homeland, Norway. That's gotta count for something.


A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS:
* You thinking a sequel (the way it ended), maybe even a trilogy to eventually kill that Monster?
* Do we really need Sara and Clay? Maybe I missed something. Just curious. Your thoughts.


I know format is secondary to story, but it's still important. Keep in mind, most of the following are nit picks,
take it for what it's worth.

MISC. STUFF, NIT-PPICKS and MY OWN THOUGHTS:
* I believe emphasis in dialogue should be underlined, not italics.

* IMO, in Action, words like "walk, look, approach" are so generic. Show me how someone walks, looks,
approaches.

* IMO, in Action, words like "just, then" are fillers and words like "has, is, are" are telling more than showing.

* In Action, go easy on present progressive, stay present tense (ex: smiles instead of smiling).

* I don't think you need some of the Transitions (CUT TO:, DISSOLVE TO: etc) and Camera directions (CLOSE
ON, PAN DOWN, etc.). Nothing wrong with this (I think), but this being a spec script, stick with the basics, use
them sparingly and let the director decide.

* Don't repeat in Action that's established in Scene headings (ex: Lake, Campsite, ...)

* CONT'D is not used that much anymore.

* P21: "Remembering the pain, Eric rubs his earlobe." -- first part is telling.

* P26: "What follows is the coughing fit of the century." -- all telling, not needed in the context.

*  P41: "As soon as Haley realizes what she sees, she spins around ..." --- I would start with 'She spins .."

* P41: "It's Debbie and her friend's campsite from the night before, though now the place is totally trashed" --
not needed. The Scene Heading shows us where we are and as far as I can remember, only one campsite with tents in the script which is mentioned in Action.

* P41: "Jack grabs her up in his arms, hugs her tight. He does his  best to comfort her" -- the last line
is not needed cause you show us what Jack does, that implies the 2nd line. At least, that's my opinion.

* P41: "Eric, what are going to do?" - missing "we"? and P45: " It everything  else!" -- missing "'s" ?.

* P55: "I  should of stopped them..." -- replace "of" with "have or should've."

* P78: He sighs."Fuck it." Sometimes adding thoughts makes for better reading, but not showing so why not
have him mouth it.. He sighs, mouths a, "Fuck it."

* Capping words for effect/focus (sound) in Action is okay if truly needed and enhances the read/story, but I like
to keep it sparingly.


ACTION:
Some tightening and stream lining might be worth looking into. Show me what's going on. There are also some
redundancies. Some examples above.


DIALOGUE:
Your strong point, IMO. Pretty good throughout. Great at times (Jack).


STORY:
Can't help you too much there. Good Tone from the get go.


Time for me to stop rambling on. Overall a good piece. My first review of a Horror script. As I said before. It was entertaining. Enjoyable.

Good luck.

Frank

Thanks for the read and all the awesome notes! Much appreciated!

Stunned to hear such high praise for my characters! Usually, my character work is the weakest link in my chain. Lol. Must mean I'm improving!

Yes, I'm planning to write a sequel that ties up all the loose ends and closes the book on the story.

Sara and Clay serve their purpose, I think. They are part of the cult that summons Andagis. I suppose they aren't vital, but I don't think they are entirely pointless either.

Thanks again for reading. Your notes are gonna help a ton with my next draft.

Quoted from LC Great vibe with the poster, Zack! Very nice.

Thanks, Libby.

Overhauled draft is ready to read! Thanks for getting it up so fast, Don. Been developing this story for a very long time now. I'm confident that the script is ready. Now, it's time to start pushing this project forward. Keep an eye out for this one.

Even though I'm confident in the script, I'd still love to get some feedback. Curious what horror fans think of the structure and pacing, as well as what they think about the characters.

So, yeah. If you have about 85 minutes or so and want to experience something a little different, give this script a shot. I think you'll enjoy the ride.

I finished this tonight, just in time to go to bed. How the bleep am I going to go to sleep now? Pretty exciting ending. The characters were endearing enough to get me hooked. The writing was smooth and I didn't have to flip back to follow the story.

I was on the edge of my seat the whole night. Again, I really liked exciting ending.

I look forward to your poster.

...Okay, I just saw the poster. It was just what I pictured as I was reading. Nice,

Thanks for the read, Michael. Always love to hear that someone enjoys my writing.

Did you find any of the prose redundant or repetitive? Would you read a sequel?

Thanks again.

I just finished reading this one. I swear I've read it before. Didn't it start as a short?

Either way, I will post my comments here tomorrow.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I just finished reading this one. I swear I've read it before. Didn't it start as a short? Either way, I will post my comments here tomorrow.

Yeah, probably. I've been working on this one for a LONG time. Was originally titled Running In The Woods. Looking forward to hearing your opinions.