The Potem* by Zack Akers - Horror, Comedy - When a heinous cult mistakenly summons an ancient fiend, a group of nearby hikers must band together with an eccentric stranger if they hope to escape the woods with their lives! 84 pages  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Production: Extremely low-budget-friendly script.

*script removed.

Thanks for getting this one up so fast, Don. Much appreciated.

This is a reworked version of my first original feature "Running In The Woods". Put a much larger emphasis on the characters and their dialog, as well as leaned into a more comedic tone throughout.

I'd love to get some feedback on this. Am down to exchange for another horror feature. Or a handful of horror shorts. Hit me up.

Read the first twenty, Zack, and I'll just say this is has an effortless and very Pro feel to it.

This I didn't get:
Clay kisses his teeth, shakes his head.

A wide circle of lit torches brighten the area, eight torches
to be exact.
Do we need to know it's eight exactly? Perhaps there's significance with body count? Otherwise it came off as a bit of author intervention.

Your style took me back to classic witchcraft in the woods films. But this also has a Race with the Devil meets Midsommer feel to it, plus a homage to a lot of schlocky (in a good way) slasher flicks.

Some great character descriptions:
In the center of the circle stands LON WHITMORE, 58, a mean
looking, skinny old bastard.

Beside him is MARGRET WHITMORE, 55, even meaner and uglier
than her husband.
Of course..

They're his parents?  !

Okay, love the way the ground opened up.

Ooh, and now new characters... So, that was Prologue only?

Lots of camera angles and Directing but it didn't bother me at all.

JACK
Oh, cut me some slack. I've never been...
You need to format a CONT'D here on page 20. Not sure if I noticed others.

That's all I have time for at the mo' but what I read was impressive for the genre. Characters, dialogue, nice touches of humour, all good, nothing stood out as clunky.

You're a natural at this stuff!

Thanks for giving this one a peek. Very happy to hear you enjoyed the first 20 pages. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the rest.

"This I didn't get:
Clay kisses his teeth, shakes his head."

It's an expression. Here's what google says... "There is the short, sharp kiss from the front teeth on either side. Usually, this denotes minor irritation or mild disapproval." But you aren't the first one to question that description. I'll try to rephrase it.

"Do we need to know it's eight exactly? Perhaps there's significance with body count? Otherwise it came off as a bit of author intervention."

Nope. That's a bit of overwriting on my part. Good catch.

"Your style took me back to classic witchcraft in the woods films. But this also has a Race with the Devil meets Midsommer feel to it, plus a homage to a lot of schlocky (in a good way) slasher flicks."

I'll take that as a massive compliment.

"Ooh, and now new characters... So, that was Prologue only?"



"Lots of camera angles and Directing but it didn't bother me at all."

I refuse to give up on the dream of one day filming this myself.

Thanks again for the high praise. You've seriously made my night. If you ever need a fresh set of eyes on one of your scripts, let me know. I owe you more than a few reads. Lol.

Hey mate, starting this today.

Notes as I read...

SPOILERS MAYBE...

Pg 1

Quoted Text while a bridge to a dark realm becomes manifest.

maybe just "while a bridge to a dark realm manifests". Just sounds a bit awkward the other way.

Pg 6

Quoted Text CLAY Damn! That looks nasty as fuck. She got ya' pretty good, huh Otis?

huh, Otis?

Pg 9

Quoted Text Ya' fools!

ya', fools!

Pg 10

Quoted Text what looks like bone. She looks to Clay, shoots him an excited grin.

This is a bit repetitive in a couple of ways, maybe just... " what looks like bone. She glaces at Clay, shoots him an excited grin."

Or better yet, get rid of the redundancy... "what looks like bone. She shoots Clay an excited grin."

Pg 14

Quoted Text From behind Debbie, a hand reaches out, grabs her shoulder. She spins around and -- Comes face to face with Paul.

I think this could be slightly more effective written as... "She spins around and comes face to face with --

Paul.

That way we have no idea what she comes face to face with until he's right there. Small issue.

Pg 15

Quoted Text In a flash, Amy's silhouette is torn our of view!

out of view?

Pg 27

I think you might have some continuity issues...

We start with:

Quoted Text S U P E R : V e r n o n G r o v e H i l l s , O h i o . A u g u s t 1 3 t h , 1 9 9 4

Then...

Quoted Text S U P E R : T h e N e x t D a y . . .

Then...

Quoted Text GWEN It's nineteen ninety-nine. It's not weird. It's progressive.

I may have missed something?

Pg 33

Quoted Text With his rifle at the read,

ready

Pg 36

Quoted Text let's get the Hell

This is too repetitive, change up "hell" in a few of the instances you use this.

Pg 40

Quoted Text severed penis and scrotum gripped tight between his fingers!

I don't know that this image was completely necessary. You have a lot of good gore, this is maybe a little too much.

Reading on... IMO the whole penis bit can go. Others might disagree and you might be really committed to it but I'm not a fan. The body part that hits her could be anything.

Pg 44

Quoted Text deeper into the woods. He CRIES out in agony from the woods.

Maybe clean up the repetition.

Quoted Text Oh God!

Oh, God!

I know you like a good horror cliche and this is chock full of them. I'll be right back and twigs snapping all over the place and people falling all over themselves

Pg 51

Quoted Text beaten path

You use this a few times too, mix it up a bit.

Pg 55

Is it explained why the highway is safer than the woods? It's mentioned a few times... reading on.

Pg 60

Quoted Text Whatever it is, it's stalking towards him!

A bit awkward as we all know what it is at this point.

Pg 67

Quoted Text A thick puddle of blood begins to puddle up around her.

Repetition. Get rid of one of the puddles.

Pg 68

So Andagis is in the road? I thought the road was safe? That point is confusing me a little.



And done!

Super quick read at 70 pages.

So you will probably know some of my thoughts on this based on reviews I've done on your work in the past.

The writing is solid, no issues there. It flows well, I saw what you wanted me to see (sometimes I didn't want to see what you wanted me to see ). It's just a well written screenplay. A couple of things that need to be cleaned up and some choices I would do differently from a formatting point of view but they are all nit picks really.

Story wise... I don't think it's your strongest piece, it's a pretty standard creature feature IMO. I also did feel like it was a bit too short and that there should have been a bit more resolution as far as what happens to Andagis. It does feel set up for a sequel but I don't think there is really enough here to do that, especially if all he is going to be doing is chasing another group of people around the woods and killing them. I think you would be better suited to making this stronger as a stand alone piece, send Andagis back to Hell, close the loop. I also think I personally would have liked Rick to do the sending and have him make more of a sacrifice of himself for one of the other characters (redemption). I guess he does do that but I think this could have been done much better. Like if he was dragged to hell with Andagis. He could yell out "I',m coming for you, Otis!"


Anyway, just some things to think about.

Was a fun read regardless, very brutal and made for a very specific audience.

Congrats on another feature, you're churning thee out like nothing else!

Hi Zack

Read it and enjoyed it.

I believe you've been working at your craft for a good time now - well it's certainly paying off. Very well written throughout.

There was a lot like. A number of deffo funny moments - Gwen and Eric proposing to each other during demonic attack! Haha.
I love this line -

Jack
I’m fucked. Fuck!

Golden.

Some great scene set ups - the red moon. Added an eerie ambience to my visualisations.

I was really down with the vibe you were going for, I think comedy horror is the best bet for spec scripts as true horror is such a hard sale on paper.

I'm all onboard for the OTT brutality. He's knack for dismembering genitals etc. In fact, I wanted more! I want Andagis to be the king of laugh out loud OTT dismemberment. An actual sadistic architect on what he does. Leaving bodies in such an outrageous state, the viewer can't help but crack up when they see it. Kinda he's calling card, he's USP. Could also chuck a couple of extra douch victims in there for him to really have some with.

Yours was still funny, and this a great script - but I think that 'tongue in cheek card' could be stretched to the maximum!

Having read the review after mine I thought I should come back and clarify...

So... only just now seeing this is meant to be a horror/comedy, I didn't read the genre description. So I went in thinking I was getting a horror and to my mind that is what I got, but with a little humour thrown in to ease the tension (not uncommon in horrors).

In saying that the penis thing makes more sense but I'm still not a fan.

Also my recommendation for Rick staying alive till the end and then finding some redemption probably doesn't fit and it's a much more dramatic tone.

I will say that as I read it I did not think I was reading a horror/comedy, sure there were some funny lines put in here and there (again, happens in a lot of straight horrors), I didn't feel that this had the tone of a horror/comedy.

Because of that, I think my comments on story are not overly productive to what you want.

I'd be taking advise from members that found this really funny, like Colin.

Hey, Warren. Thanks for giving this one a look. Always appreciate your opinion. Hope you've been doing well and have been making good progress on your project.



"Pg 27

I think you might have some continuity issues..."

Good catch. Fixed this one and another continuity that pops up later.



"I don't know that this image was completely necessary. You have a lot of good gore, this is maybe a little too much.

Reading on... IMO the whole penis bit can go. Others might disagree and you might be really committed to it but I'm not a fan. The body part that hits her could be anything."

Yeah, I figured this might rub some people the wrong way. It's totally meant to be a gross-out funny moment. Lol. Cheap laugh, I know, but I think it's hilarious.



"I know you like a good horror cliche and this is chock full of them. I'll be right back and twigs snapping all over the place and people falling all over themselves ."

Oh yeah. Horror cliches are like comfort food for me. So much fun to play around with them. I know it's not to everyone's tastes, but I love it. Lol



"Pg 55

Is it explained why the highway is safer than the woods? It's mentioned a few times... reading on."

Getting to the highway is the group's best bet for escaping. But it is in no way a sure thing. Suppose I need to make that clearer. I'll see what I can do.



"Pg 68

So Andagis is in the road? I thought the road was safe? That point is confusing me a little."

Andagis isn't bound to any single location. He's allowed access to our world for the duration of the Potem (72 hours). I've got something pretty cool in mind for the sequels.



"Story wise... I don't think it's your strongest piece, it's a pretty standard creature feature IMO. I also did feel like it was a bit too short and that there should have been a bit more resolution as far as what happens to Andagis. It does feel set up for a sequel but I don't think there is really enough here to do that, especially if all he is going to be doing is chasing another group of people around the woods and killing them. I think you would be better suited to making this stronger as a stand alone piece, send Andagis back to Hell, close the loop."

Oh, yeah. I sequel bait hard. This will be a trilogy. One day. Lol. Sorry the story didn't really do it for you.



"Was a fun read regardless, very brutal and made for a very specific audience."

Yep. This definitely isn't for everyone. Lol. That said, I do believe there is an audience out there for this sort of thing. Hopefully, I'm right.

Thanks again for taking time out of your day and reading this. I appreciate it more than you know.

What's up, Colin. Thanks for giving this one a quick read. Stoked to hear that you enjoyed it so much. Sounds like you are my target audience.

"I believe you've been working at your craft for a good time now - well it's certainly paying off. Very well written throughout."

Any and all progress that I've made as a writer is thanks to Simplyscripts.

"There was a lot like. A number of deffo funny moments - Gwen and Eric proposing to each other during demonic attack! Haha."

You have no idea how relieved I am that I'm not the only one who finds this stuff funny. Lol

"Some great scene set ups - the red moon. Added an eerie ambience to my visualisations."

I imagine the filmed version would have a red tint to the picture. Happy you enjoyed the visuals.

"I'm all onboard for the OTT brutality. He's knack for dismembering genitals etc. In fact, I wanted more! I want Andagis to be the king of laugh out loud OTT dismemberment. An actual sadistic architect on what he does. Leaving bodies in such an outrageous state, the viewer can't help but crack up when they see it. Kinda he's calling card, he's USP."

I agree. I need to push it even further. Any suggestions?

"Yours was still funny, and this a great script - but I think that 'tongue in cheek card' could be stretched to the maximum!"

Thanks for the kind words. And I agree... This needs another pass before it reaches its potential.

Hi Zack

In terms of stretching the silliness - I was thinking Andagis could perhaps turn his victims frailties against them in really gruesome comic fashion. So for example if you introduced a couple of arrogant rich materialistic smuck's, Andagis could maybe rearrange their body parts into a dollar sign or summit. Maybe not the best example and a little cliche'd, but I think Andagis or the way in which he goes about things needs something unique. And hilarious.

Might cause a bit of a creative headache. That's the bugger. But if you can land on something that's standout funny and sadistic, would all be worth it! Might take a bit of time

Good luck buddy - will look out for any updated versions

"Maybe not the best example and a little cliche'd, but I think Andagis or the way in which he goes about things needs something unique. And hilarious."

I totally get what you are saying. And I did try to give Andagis a little bit of personality, particularly in the scene where he laughs at a horrified Gwen and Haley. But you are right. I need to push it farther. Hmmm. Thanks for the brain juice, Dude. Let me know if and when I can return the read.

Cheers Zack - Yeah I'm hopefully gonna muster the bravery to whack one of my feature scripts on here - Would be great if somebody actually read it lol!

Quoted from ColinS Cheers Zack - Yeah I'm hopefully gonna muster the bravery to whack one of my feature scripts on here - Would be great if somebody actually read it lol!

If you've got any horror,  I'll happily take a look! Do you have any work available here on SS?

New draft up.

Also have a poster that I'd like to share. Can I email it to you, Don?

Quoted from Zack New draft up. Also have a poster that I'd like to share. Can I email it to you, Don?

Hi Zack,

yes, please email.

webmaster@simplyscripts.com

best,

Don

Hey Zack - Gave the new draft a read, it felt like it flowed that little bit smoother, so nice work. That said, I didn't have any problems with the original read so you might not have changed to much there lol.

What I'm pretty certain you have changed though is the violence and comic gore. Andagis totally dismantles people and I like it. It reads funny and would no doubt be a blast on screen.

I loved the scrotum landed flat in Gwen's face. Hilarious. Was that new? I didn't remember it from the first read.

Definitely improved in my opinion. I was all for stretching the comic violence. Mission accomplished!

Page 41 -

GWEN
         Eric, what are going to do?

Jus needs amending, only one I noticed.

It's an enjoyable script which would fit nicely into the growing comedy horror trend, hope it gets into the hands of the right person one day.

Not entirely sure about extremely low budget lol

Thanks for reading this new draft, Colin! Stoked to hear that you enjoyed this draft even more. Your advice from your previous review definitely made in impact.

The scrotum bit isn't new, but the pierced shaft is a little extra I threw in to pay off a joke set up at the beginning. Lol

Thanks for spotting that typo. Ugh. One always sneaks by me.

Really appreciate your review, Dude. Is there anything of yours that I could read in return?

Quoted from Don Hi Zack, yes, please email. webmaster@simplyscripts.com best, Don

Emailed it to you. Thanks, Don.

Thanks for getting the poster up, Don.

The poster was created by my lovely wife.  

Great vibe with the poster, Zack!
Very nice.

Hi Zack - Appreciate your appreciation lol.

I'm gonna put up a feature either this Monday or next, just giving one last re-write. It's one I've been messing around with for quite a while now. It's not horror, though I do love horror, it is a sci-fi comedy. It's a 116 pages but I swear it is a quick 116 pages!

Your feedback would be super appreciated.

Just seen your poster - Lovely job. Simply, stylish and to the point!

Thanks, Colin. Appreciate your kind words.

Hell yeah I'll take a look at your feature! Let me know once it's up on the boards. Or, you can send it to my email.

zack.akers.89@gmail.com

Hey Zack,

SPOILERS THROUGHOUT:
Wow, this was quite a ride. I'm not a big fan of Horror/gore type scripts/movies, but this being a horror/comedy,
well, I took a "stab" at it. Read it, flipped the pages, easy read, wanted to know what the hell was going on. It
entertained me. I liked it, even if the gore was piled on at times, IMO.

The story with teens and a campsite in the wilderness with a Monster hunting them is nothing ground-breaking,
but you managed to squeeze out a pretty good story with the "red moon" and ANDAGIS. The way you peel off
the layers as the script progresses and keep the reader interested, good work.

I got a better feel for the second group of teen characters (Gwen, Haley, Eric, Jack) than the first 4-teens in the opening, which is probably what you intended. My favorite character was Jack. He was so well written, a blast to
read, great dialogue and also Rick was written well, IMO. Good Dialogue throughout, your strong point. I believe, Action can be tightened a bit more.

The way Sara was "swallowed" was pretty cool.

Script a little short at 70+ pages.

Nice image posted in this thread.

Towards the end, I was thinking the pot-head, "gym-rat and fashion icon", JACK, would save Gwen and Haley.
Oh, well, you had other plans or should I say, ANDAGIS had other plans.

You even mentioned my homeland, Norway. That's gotta count for something.


A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS:
* You thinking a sequel (the way it ended), maybe even a trilogy to eventually kill that Monster?
* Do we really need Sara and Clay? Maybe I missed something. Just curious. Your thoughts.


I know format is secondary to story, but it's still important. Keep in mind, most of the following are nit picks,
take it for what it's worth.

MISC. STUFF, NIT-PPICKS and MY OWN THOUGHTS:
* I believe emphasis in dialogue should be underlined, not italics.

* IMO, in Action, words like "walk, look, approach" are so generic. Show me how someone walks, looks,
approaches.

* IMO, in Action, words like "just, then" are fillers and words like "has, is, are" are telling more than showing.

* In Action, go easy on present progressive, stay present tense (ex: smiles instead of smiling).

* I don't think you need some of the Transitions (CUT TO:, DISSOLVE TO: etc) and Camera directions (CLOSE
ON, PAN DOWN, etc.). Nothing wrong with this (I think), but this being a spec script, stick with the basics, use
them sparingly and let the director decide.

* Don't repeat in Action that's established in Scene headings (ex: Lake, Campsite, ...)

* CONT'D is not used that much anymore.

* P21: "Remembering the pain, Eric rubs his earlobe." -- first part is telling.

* P26: "What follows is the coughing fit of the century." -- all telling, not needed in the context.

*  P41: "As soon as Haley realizes what she sees, she spins around ..." --- I would start with 'She spins .."

* P41: "It's Debbie and her friend's campsite from the night before, though now the place is totally trashed" --
not needed. The Scene Heading shows us where we are and as far as I can remember, only one campsite with tents in the script which is mentioned in Action.

* P41: "Jack grabs her up in his arms, hugs her tight. He does his  best to comfort her" -- the last line
is not needed cause you show us what Jack does, that implies the 2nd line. At least, that's my opinion.

* P41: "Eric, what are going to do?" - missing "we"? and P45: " It everything  else!" -- missing "'s" ?.

* P55: "I  should of stopped them..." -- replace "of" with "have or should've."

* P78: He sighs."Fuck it." Sometimes adding thoughts makes for better reading, but not showing so why not
have him mouth it.. He sighs, mouths a, "Fuck it."

* Capping words for effect/focus (sound) in Action is okay if truly needed and enhances the read/story, but I like
to keep it sparingly.


ACTION:
Some tightening and stream lining might be worth looking into. Show me what's going on. There are also some
redundancies. Some examples above.


DIALOGUE:
Your strong point, IMO. Pretty good throughout. Great at times (Jack).


STORY:
Can't help you too much there. Good Tone from the get go.


Time for me to stop rambling on. Overall a good piece. My first review of a Horror script. As I said before. It was entertaining. Enjoyable.

Good luck.

Frank

Thanks for the read and all the awesome notes! Much appreciated!

Stunned to hear such high praise for my characters! Usually, my character work is the weakest link in my chain. Lol. Must mean I'm improving!

Yes, I'm planning to write a sequel that ties up all the loose ends and closes the book on the story.

Sara and Clay serve their purpose, I think. They are part of the cult that summons Andagis. I suppose they aren't vital, but I don't think they are entirely pointless either.

Thanks again for reading. Your notes are gonna help a ton with my next draft.

Quoted from LC Great vibe with the poster, Zack! Very nice.

Thanks, Libby.

Overhauled draft is ready to read! Thanks for getting it up so fast, Don. Been developing this story for a very long time now. I'm confident that the script is ready. Now, it's time to start pushing this project forward. Keep an eye out for this one.

Even though I'm confident in the script, I'd still love to get some feedback. Curious what horror fans think of the structure and pacing, as well as what they think about the characters.

So, yeah. If you have about 85 minutes or so and want to experience something a little different, give this script a shot. I think you'll enjoy the ride.

I finished this tonight, just in time to go to bed. How the bleep am I going to go to sleep now? Pretty exciting ending. The characters were endearing enough to get me hooked. The writing was smooth and I didn't have to flip back to follow the story.

I was on the edge of my seat the whole night. Again, I really liked exciting ending.

I look forward to your poster.

...Okay, I just saw the poster. It was just what I pictured as I was reading. Nice,

Thanks for the read, Michael. Always love to hear that someone enjoys my writing.

Did you find any of the prose redundant or repetitive? Would you read a sequel?

Thanks again.

I just finished reading this one. I swear I've read it before. Didn't it start as a short?

Either way, I will post my comments here tomorrow.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I just finished reading this one. I swear I've read it before. Didn't it start as a short? Either way, I will post my comments here tomorrow.

Yeah, probably. I've been working on this one for a LONG time. Was originally titled Running In The Woods. Looking forward to hearing your opinions.

I thought long and hard about your question.

Nothing stood out as repetitive. The red fog announced the presence of Otis. It set the tone. The dialog for the most part was on point. It's hard to have a deep conversation when you're running in the woods.

I would compare this to Jurassic Park. The footsteps announced the presence of the Tyrannosaurus. The cast did not engage in a discussion about how the first skeleton was assembled with ten extra bones in its tail to make it look more reptilian. It focused on surviving the moment.

That's how I interpreted your dialog. It's a slasher movie. There's a definitive formula to follow. There are a lot of exit lines. The creative genius involved is in creating an original monster with his own back story. On top of that, you need to find different horrible ways to off the cast members. You accomplished that.

Nothing stood out to me as redundant. At no point in time did I feel like I was reading a script for the next Rocky Horror Picture Show.

                            ... And I look forward to a sequel. I keep promising myself that I won't read your work so late at night. My problem is that time flies and I can't put it down.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I thought long and hard about your question. Nothing stood out as repetitive. The red fog announced the presence of Otis. It set the tone. The dialog for the most part was on point. It's hard to have a deep conversation when you're running in the woods. I would compare this to Jurassic Park. The footsteps announced the presence of the Tyrannosaurus. The cast did not engage in a discussion about how the first skeleton was assembled with ten extra bones in its tail to make it look more reptilian. It focused on surviving the moment. That's how I interpreted your dialog. It's a slasher movie. There's a definitive formula to follow. There are a lot of exit lines. The creative genius involved is in creating an original monster with his own back story. On top of that, you need to find different horrible ways to off the cast members. You accomplished that. Nothing stood out to me as redundant. At no point in time did I feel like I was reading a script for the next Rocky Horror Picture Show.                             ... And I look forward to a sequel. I keep promising myself that I won't read your work so late at night. My problem is that time flies and I can't put it down.

Thanks for the quick response, man.

Happy to hear that nothing stood out as repetitive. I'm always concerned about making the read flow as smoothly as possible.

Yeah, the fast pace of the story doesn't really allow for much exposition, which I think is a good thing for something like this. Stoked that it landed so well for you. Thanks again.

Where's the script Zack? You have it removed but the thread is still here. Do you plan to upload a new one?

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Where's the script Zack? You have it removed but the thread is still here. Do you plan to upload a new one?

The script is being rewritten. I may share the new draft here once I'm finished. We'll see.

MAY? Hmm, that sounds uncertain. But good luck with it all. I wish I was able to read it in time.