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Yeah, thanks so much Dave. I didn't want to add more responses for fear of too many writers piling on, but suffice to say I agree with a lot of your feedback and I really appreciate how much thought you put into it! I feel confident you'll see some of your thoughts reflected in the next pass.
Personally I didn't care much for Adrienne initially
My impression is that Adrienne is a character that kinda surprised all of us. In my mind she started as a pretty disposable horror character and then the initial work that people did in the first few pages really started to build her into something interesting. Definitely worth noting that she might still be a bit grating at the start though -- and happy to hear you came around on her a bit in the end. But it's definitely food for thought on whether she might be a bit too offputting initially...
Maybe just have her struggling to remain conscious, then cut to Meg's line instead. Just a thought. Unless Adrienne is delirious at this point. Then OK. I can see her saying it.
Yeah I see where you're coming from for sure. I think Adrienne is sorta in and out of delirium in the script, but this is probably something we should be attentive to in the next pass and make sure that it all makes sense. Point taken that if she's feeling delirious, we have to make sure the reader knows it!
The third act was good for the most part, but it got to a point where it was driving me bananas. I ran outside and had a primal scream -- feel much better now.
I mean things just sorta got a bit silly.
I definitely think tone is something we'll have to continue to work on here. I think we want things to have a sense of fun but if the feeling is "silly" then we've probably gone too far...good to know and maybe we can pull some of this back!
(P.S. I'm the guilty one here, I tend to push things in a silly direction)
The dialogue was good - some nice quips but some not so much.
Good to get your take on which ones don't work -- thank you! Quips/one liners are so hard to pull off. I'm always haunted by the final one liner of I, Robot, where Will Smith faces off against the big bad, prepares the death blow, and says, "You have SO got to die." $120 million movie and that's the final one liner they came up with! Anyway, haha.
Oh oh - I do think it’s more effective that we don’t really get to see Ethan at all.
That's good to know! As mentioned in previous comments, we've kinda gone back and forth on Ethan and how to use him and how much and so on, so good to hear that it worked for you in this form.
On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me.
I think you're right -- I think the beat makes sense but I don't think the stakes are really there for the sacrifice yet. Usually with this kind of beat, say in Terminator 2 or whatever, there's a pretty significant story payoff for the sacrifice, and I don't think we have that here yet. We'll have to discuss!
Too humble -- thanks for all the helpful comments! And really glad it seems you enjoyed for the most part. Very exciting to be hearing some outside perspectives on this finally
Personally I didn't care much for Adrienne initially -
We wanted her to be an unlikable character and in our first draft we overdid it some. We all hated her. Then we decided we needed to get her something noble to do before she dies. She initially was the first one to go.
When the girls first get together while the set up was good, It didn't feel potentially scary for me at this point. Sure, the Lenticular Clouds, the owl crashing at Shannon's feet, the high pitched sounds and all, but them packing up to leave cos of that - I just don't think it was enough to justify them wanting to go at this juncture. I suspect it was to get the ball rolling faster. Minor quibble.
I had somewhat a similar feeling, but I think that could be an easy fix.
The third act was good for the most part, but it got to a point where it was driving me bananas. I ran outside and had a primal scream -- feel much better now. I mean things just sorta got a bit silly.
On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me.
Got to look into that!
Thanks for the read and comments. Now we have some more stuff we can argue about!!!
... On a somber note: Adrienne's sacrifice there at the end, I luv it, I do, but it is almost as if you are missing that special... something... can't put a finger on it. Maybe being a bit more methodically early on would have made it more impactful than it currently is, at least for me. ...
That special something is in one of the previous drafts which I think we need to go back to.
In this draft we pretty much know what's going to happen
Darby stares at her last living friend, tears in her eyes. Then she places a jumper cable in Adrienne’s open palm.
DARBY I’ll try to take it with me. But if it finds you...
Adrienne shakes her head. Forget about it. She knows.
This visual below should come as shocking, with no forecasting, with the audience having no clue, jmho.
INT. AIRSTREAM - DAWN
Adrienne’s on the floor, propped against a wall, surrounded by a propane tank, a large jug filled with flammable liquids, and a battery. A dual wire runs a few inches, then splits in two. One half goes into the liquid, the other to the opening of the tank. A jumper cable is attached to the battery. Adrienne holds the other end of the cable.
Just want to add that Darby placing the cable in her friend's hand also takes away from it being Adrienne's decision and sacrifice.
Thank you for taking the time to read and leave such thoughtful feedback Dave and Ghost! It will definitely help with the next rewrite!
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thanks for all the helpful comments! And really glad it seems you enjoyed for the most part. Very exciting to be hearing some outside perspectives on this finally
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Thanks for the read and comments. Now we have some more stuff we can argue about!!!
As Dave would put it - my pleasure.
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INT. AIRSTREAM - DAWN
Adrienne’s on the floor, propped against a wall, surrounded by a propane tank, a large jug filled with flammable liquids, and a battery. A dual wire runs a few inches, then splits in two. One half goes into the liquid, the other to the opening of the tank. A jumper cable is attached to the battery. Adrienne holds the other end of the cable.
I just want to add that Darby placing the cable in her friend's hand also takes away from it being Adrienne's decision and sacrifice.
Holy Batman! That's it! Coz it didn't come as a surprise to me. You know, I read that scene a few times, and the answer was staring me in the face - and I didn't see it. I need some freakin' glasses. This is also where I had a change of heart about Adrienne.
Heck, Libby, you guys had the answer the whole time. It's my favorite scene from the script.
Hi guys. Well done on a good fast reading script. It had nice pacing and some cool action. Dave has pretty well covered all the things that could be improved but I’ll throw in a couple of bob’s worth too.
The Ethan thing did nothing for me. It took me outta the read when Darcy kept bringing him up. Just have him mentioned at the start then piss him off lol. She can still be getting over him but not obsessing about him stalking her.
The Stalker is a cool bad dude but I feel it needs to downright nasty from the getgo. It’s modelled on Predator/ Terminator but seems almost playful at the start, examine the tech etc( I kept picturing the robot from Futurama for some reason lol). Make it an evil bastard so the deaths aren’t just sort of thrown in for thrills as they are now. I’d try and think of a unique power of the Stalker as opposed to the Predator type HUD - we know it’s a hunter-alien just needs its own identity.
Lastly, as someone mentioned, the 4 women aren’t the most likeable. I didn’t really give a rat’s arse when they died or were maimed. Darby was ok I guess. They all seemed a bit whiny lol. Make us feel for them as they fight for their lives and it lifts the stakes.
But overall it’s a nice little script and kudos to you
I think Darby's fixation on Ethan does make sense as he's the entire reason she's out here and has set up her life this way -- which is ultimately what she needs to overcome/change in the story. That said, it's definitely a good reminder here that a little can go a long way. Something to take a look at in the next pass.
The concept of the Stalker, which may not be coming through clearly, is that it is not initially (or ever?) evil. It's not playful, exactly, but it is inquisitive and is on an information-gathering mission. When it comes into contact with the women, Darby's fixation on Ethan and her fearful response to his voice leads her to shoot it with the flare, which along with Adrienne shooting the gun earlier becomes the defining moment in teaching the Stalker to view the women as threats who are better off dead. Or that's the idea, anyway!
The whiny characters thing -- good to know. This is always a tricky balance in slasher-y scripts so we should take a look as we rewrite.
No prob, H! Looking back, my review might’ve come over a tad harsh - which I didn’t mean it to be - as it’s a well crafted script. It just needs a little tinkering. But I understand it was written specifically for Pia to film it so it took a certain route to make it easier. All the best to you guys!!
... I understand it was written specifically for Pia to film it so it took a certain route to make it easier...
The script was written on Spec. Pia has never mentioned filming this.
Here's how it was conceived by Pia:
The January 2021 SS Feature Co-Writing Challenge
Calling for interested participants to collaborate on writing a feature length screenplay.
This is not a game but rather a serious and genuine project. Absolutely No Pisstakes. Writers must be dedicated to contributing their best creative efforts.
The Goal
A feature length script that is good enough to pitch, promote, sell, and get produced.
The Planning Stages:
Aiming for approx 100 pages. This will be broken up into each writer contributing 2 x 5 page blocks. See, not hard. You all know how to write a 5 pager.
The 2 × 5 formula is proposed based on the fact some writers find it difficult to collaborate. The proposed contribution is not as stressful or burdensome as writing a feature normally is, since the participants (depending on how many we get,) will only need to write two or so very short segments and put the rest of their creative energy into creating and planning, giving feedback, editing, etc.
The purpose of writing the script was experimental in one way - to write a screenplay using may voices and ideas in a collaborative effort using the sequence method.
A shout out to all you guys and girls who followed our experimental effort all the way here. Big thanks to Pia, btw. We will be writing another draft and we value your feedback.
Horror is not quite my cup of tea, but found the Logline interesting and was curious how the script would turn out with multiple writers, 5 in all. An easy read (mostly). It was certainly entertaining with the high tech Predator Stalker. Good piece of work I liked it.
I know Story is the thing, but I threw in some Format Stuff too for good measure. What follows are some of my thoughts and opinions, some nit-picks too. We all have our different writing styles, so take these notes for what they're worth.
Interesting opening, but it didn't quite work for me. The Ethan scenes, dream, video and references to him later in the story, didn't quite work. I can see why you were doing it, but ... A thought, maybe have the girls sitting around a campfire at night, drinking/talking, getting some backstories with the Stalker lurking around scoping out his future preys. I know, too much exposure in Dialogue is not always the way to go, but it might work here. This would also create a slower burn, initially.
I felt some distinctive personalities between the different Characters, but at times I didn't feel the urgency of the Characters.
Page43. If the 4Runner tears away, how can Dary catch up and run alongside it?
Page46: On top of the page, "Shannon sits up.." then "She tries to sit up.." and "Finally she forces herself to sit up .." Either it's implied that sits/falls down or logic is not correct.
Page77: Adrienne opens the door to the 4Runner (on its side). That takes a lot of strength and with virtually one hand (I guess she can use her feet) that's tough, maybe too tough. Then again, adrenaline runs high.
ACTION: In my humble opinion, there are quite a bit of telling and redundancy throughout. Words like "begin/start/just/then/, well, I call them fillers and words like "is/are/does/has/ tend to tell more than show. Page26 (ex): "Meg is not liking this at all." -- show me how she's not liking it. Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean.
In General, avoid repeating in Action what's already been established in the Scene Heading (ex: campsite/highway/Airstream).
Not sure if this is important anymore and maybe I'm being too anal about it, but I've seen writers mix Present Tense (smiles) with Present Progressive (smiling). I stick with Present Tense (mostly).
I'm fine with Capping words for emphasis/sounds (focus), but I came across quite a few, maybe too many, IMO. I feel like too many distract more than add to the story.
MISC: Page4: Needs Action after Slug (INT. 4RUNNER..), before Dialogue (Darby).
I believe emphasis in Dialogue should be underlined, instead of italics (or maybe this has changed) and rather than Capping words in Dialogue, I would either indicate that in Action or put that in a parenthetical (yells/screams)
Page8 and Page12: We're at the same spot (the tents), but Slugs are different.
Page16: "Outside" in Action is redundant, the slug indicates that (EXT. ...) also quite a few Action "into the night", is also redundant, the Slugs indicate that, "NIGHT".
Oh, another nit pick. This might be a personal preference, but I don't believe you need a Draft date on the cover page. Include Copyright and contact info.
QUESTIONS: Curious, what's the meaning of -- (double dashes) in Action? (shift, pause,
Page58, "She zeros in on a piece of Shannon's clothes in the gore. What was that? I missed it. Or did they know that the piece of clothing belonged to Shannon?
Ok, I'm done. I stop rambling on. Keep in mind what I have scribbled is mostly my own opinions and thoughts.
Could you point out an example? I ask mostly because it's important to us that it reads not just smoothly, but consistently as if it was written by just one person.
Interesting opening, but it didn't quite work for me. The Ethan scenes, dream, video and references to him later in the story, didn't quite work. I can see why you were doing it, but ...
We've gone back and forth on this. Initially, the whole Ethan backstory thing was a lot more subtle, but then it grew and grew. I suppose we have to take a look at that again.
A thought, maybe have the girls sitting around a campfire at night, drinking/talking, getting some backstories with the Stalker lurking around scoping out his future preys. I know, too much exposure in Dialogue is not always the way to go, but it might work here. This would also create a slower burn, initially.
I was very firm about not having a slow burn, lol. I wanted shit to happen very early on. Slow burn films easily get abandoned by viewers with low patience and trigger happy fingers on the remote. I'm one of those myself. However, I know some of the writers involved here prefer a slower burn and deeper characterizations.
As far as the "stalker" goes, it's not really supposed to be a stalker. It's an alien probe sent to this planet for analysis. It turns nasty when Adrienne shoots at it, but it was not sent here to kill. If that makes sense.
Page46: On top of the page, "Shannon sits up.." then "She tries to sit up.." and "Finally she forces herself to sit up .." Either it's implied that sits/falls down or logic is not correct.
Thanks for that. That is an easy fix in the next draft.
Page77: Adrienne opens the door to the 4Runner (on its side). That takes a lot of strength and with virtually one hand (I guess she can use her feet) that's tough, maybe too tough. Then again, adrenaline runs high.
I have not thought about that. Should be another easy fix.
ACTION: In my humble opinion, there are quite a bit of telling and redundancy throughout. Words like "begin/start/just/then/, well, I call them fillers and words like "is/are/does/has/ tend to tell more than show. Page26 (ex): "Meg is not liking this at all." -- show me how she's not liking it. Maybe not the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean.
Will look into that. I personally prefer leaner scripts where every word matters, but admit I slip and add extra stuff now and then. Probably because I've been trying to write prose. Failing miserably I should add.
I believe emphasis in Dialogue should be underlined, instead of italics (or maybe this has changed) and rather than Capping words in Dialogue, I would either indicate that in Action or put that in a parenthetical (yells/screams)
Page8 and Page12: We're at the same spot (the tents), but Slugs are different.
Yeah, things like that needs tidying up and are probably best done with one writer going over the entire script and sticking to what they like, so it doesn't appear random or sloppy.
Oh, another nit pick. This might be a personal preference, but I don't believe you need a Draft date on the cover page. Include Copyright and contact info.
I think that's probably more for us writers so we can keep the different versions and drafts separated. It's quite overwhelming with this many writers tinkering with the scripts.
Page58, "She zeros in on a piece of Shannon's clothes in the gore. What was that? I missed it. Or did they know that the piece of clothing belonged to Shannon?
That I don't know. I would have to look it up or maybe whoever wrote that could explain?
Thank you for reading and offering up suggestions, catches and thoughts. We all appreciate that.
Regarding easy read (mostly), maybe not the best description.
A couple of times I stopped, flipped back a few pages to confirm location (easy fix). Re-read "Shannon sits" in case I missed something (easy fix). A few hic-ups, that would be a better description.
Regarding The Alien, I didn't pick up that it was sent to this planet for analysis. With reference to "Stalker" I thought it was bad to begin with.
Question for you. How do you create a quote when posting reviews? I've tried, can't get it to work.
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Then we decided we needed to get her something noble to do before she dies. She initially was the first one to go.
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