As The Crow Flies by Robert Bryce Milburn - Horror, Supernatural - Two night shift workers, discovering a satanic ritual, unwillingly dive into a time loop of eerie déjà vu, confronting demonic doppelgängers in a relentless struggle for survival. 94 pages - pdf format

Production: (One location micro-budget with 2 principal cast).

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Looking forward to everyone’s thoughts on the script! Thank you!

Hi writer,

First and foremost, congratulations on finishing a feature and getting it out there. It takes a lot of work and can be easily overlooked in the feedback.

Overall, I see potential here, this was definitely a creative piece, and you clearly understand and have a passion for horror. I would say though that this did feel like a comedy-horror at times, particularly some of the behaviours and dialogue from Bud and Quinn. Kinda a tongue-in-cheek piece?

Anyway, what I should flag with you were some issues I had with some of the writing - there was quite a bit of clutter, particularly in the first 10 pages - which made it a less enjoyable read for me.

For example this -

'A series of semi-trucks hitched to empty trailers are parked along the outer left edge of the lot.'

Could be just this -

'Semi-trailer trucks line the lot.'

And

'A light blue 1985 Chevy Chevette glides through the lot overtop the painted parking lines.
The chevy comes to a halt in the middle of the lot.'

Could simply be -

'A light blue 1985 Chevy Chevette pulls up.'

Basically, you just want to make your sentences as concise as possible - make it as easy a read as you possibly can. I did struggle at times, had to re-read certain passages to get my head around them because they were too wordy.
Always put the reader first, I say

You got an interesting concept here - Just needs a bit of a tidy-up.

Good luck, keep writing - keep re-writing!