Wired by Zack Akers & Sean Chipman - Short, Horror - After a brutal encounter with an infamous serial killer leaves him with a wired jaw, a recently widowed police officer must repair his shattered relationship with his deaf daughter and cope with the loss of his wife, all while a familiar and sinister presence descends upon his secluded home. 87 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A short at 87 pages?

Quoted from Grandma Bear A short at 87 pages?

Yes.  It's a very quick read...  

Fine. I'll put it into Horror features...

  

- Don

Quoted from Don Yes.  It's a very quick read...

Did Sean put you up to that?   Thanks for getting this one up, Don.  

Anyone want to give this nasty piece of work a peek? I'll happily exchange reads.  

I'm reading through it fairly quickly just to get a feel for the story and a few things jumped out at me.

::SPOILERS::

• The scenes feel rushed as though you're trying to force too much into the story too quickly. When we meet Gray's partner, Luis, it's just a quick "You're riding with Gray." kind of thing. We don't get to see Gray bond with his daughter. She's just a plot device so far. Granted we don't spend too much time with Luis, but I feel he needs a little more if we're going to care about his head getting cut off.
  
• The maximum cut depth on an oversized circular saw is 3-13/16". The average neck thickness for a man is 4-3/4". It would be very difficult to cut someone's head off with one swipe of a circular saw. Maybe have it slice most of the way through, and then when Gray gets kicked backward, he knocks the dangling head with his own head and rips it free.
  

I'm still reading and I'll post more when I'm done, but so far my biggest issue is the tempo. Things feel rushed and disjointed.

-Jordan

Thanks for giving this a go, Jordan. This is still very much a work in progress. Any notes you have for us are greatly appreciated.

Good to know.

I enjoy tearing scripts apart because I learn more about my style and how I like things to go.

When someone's script is pretty much set, my input is usually ends up being an afterthought to the writer.

Now where did I put my digital red pen?

Quoted from Nomad Good to know. I enjoy tearing scripts apart because I learn more about my style and how I like things to go. When someone's script is pretty much set, my input is usually ends up being an afterthought to the writer. Now where did I put my digital red pen?

Looking forward to it.  

Read Wired. Appreciated the twists and turns. Taylor was a surprise. Pretty gory but you did say "horror." Was confused by the deaf girl living in the cupboard. Not sure if you designed this so that she would use this cupboard technique to avoid capture/death later on. Also, Cincinnati II? That means in the future? Speaking with a super broad "brush" here, way too much wordless action throughout the script. The invention that Kristina was desired by both men should have been hinted at much earlier.

I read the first few scenes up until after the morgue/hospital scenes, intend to come back to it, but in case I forget, just some very, very, very, half-formed initial impressions.

If this is a first draft, it's really well-formed. The opening's really great, no real notes - it's hard to make long sequences with very little/no dialogue work well and flow fast. Very visceral, I like the P.O.V stuff and the ways its written.

Tiny, very subjective note - the slugs work fine, I just had questions. I feel like the amount of detail the contain is odd, particularly specifying 2nd/1st floor? Maybe this becomes relevant later. I think I've seen it before but I've never been certain why.

Will come back to it.

Thanks for giving this one a peek, Ben. Stoked that you are enjoying it thus far. Can't wait to hear what you think of the rest.

Serrano16, thanks for reading and for your notes. Yes this draft was intended to be set in the near future, though we will be dropping that aspect with the next draft. What do you mean by "wordless action?" And I agree that the twist with Taylor needs to be set up better. Thanks again for reading.

Gave the first 10 a read (keep in mind that I suck at Horror).

Look, this read fast. I was engaged and it is probably just fine as it is. Everything I have to offer is kind of in the nit-picky category. Anyway….

I normally hate the “We do this”, “We do that” approach to screenwriting. Although you could do this straight - I think it works well here.

Quoted Text OVER BLACK SUPER: 2019 A woman SCREAMS.

Unless somehow 2019 is extremely critical – why mess with it – you’re going to go 25 years forward in the follow-up scene. Doesn’t it really matter that we know right here that it is 2019?

I actually would open on the bedroom – don’t think you need the over black.  You could add a bit of description to set us up.

INT. FAMILY HOME - 2ND FLOOR - KID’S ROOM – NIGHT

Describe the little kid’s room. You know, something like a night light creating an eerie glow off of superhero posters on the wall. Whatever – a boy’s room – then --

A woman SCREAMS.

Quoted Text Very slowly and carefully, we slide out of the bed, sneak

You almost never need the Very. Just – Slowly, carefully…

Quoted Text INT. FAMILY HOME - 2ND FLOOR - HALLWAY The corridor is dark and narrow.

You don’t need The corridor is. The header tells is where we are. Just –

Dark and narrow.

Quoted Text We tip-toe down the hallway, soon make our way to the staircase leading to the 1st Floor. INT. FAMILY HOME - 2ND FLOOR - FOYER As we step closer, a DEAD MAN (39), comes into view at the bottom of the stairs. He lies awkwardly sprawled out on the hard tile floor, blood pooling up around his nearly decapitated head.

The above is a bit inefficient.  Maybe -

We tip-toe towards the –
STAIRCASE

And look down at a DEAD MAN (39), in a crumpled heap at the
bottom of the stairs.

Blood pools from his nearly decapitated head.

Quoted Text Various tubes connect the machine to GRAYSON “GRAY” MILLER (35), a handsome, physically-fit guy. He’s bruised and battered, with his right arm in a sling. A tube has been inserted into his nostril, held in place with tape. Gray stirs, then his eyes pop open. He grabs hold of the tube, coughs and gags as he pulls it out of his nose. Then he sits straight up, breathing deep and shallow. After a moment, the BEEPS slow back to a normal rate.

Don’t need “guy”

Watch the “has beens” – not needed.

Don’t need “various”

Tubes? Probably should be wires or electrodes? Something like:

EKG electrodes pepper the chest of GRAYSON “GRAY” MILLER (35), handsome, muscular. He’s bruised and battered. His right arm is in a sling.

A breathing tube snakes from his nostril.

Gray stirs. His eyes pop open. He desperately fumbles for the tube, coughs and gags as he yanks it from his nose.

He bolts up, breathing deep and shallow.

The EKG BEEPS slow to a normal rate.

Quoted Text Gray strains to move his right arm as he swings his legs over the bed. He rips an IV out of his arm, stands and walks to the end of the bed.

Watch out for pedestrian verbs like “walks” – stumbles maybe?

Quoted Text Gray reaches under his hospital gown, detaches the EKG attachments from his chest.

They’re called electrodes and he probably needs to detach them before he gets out of the bed. The wires are not that long.

Quoted Text Slowly, Gray approaches the operating table to find --

Again – a pedestrian verb (approach) that requires you to use an adverb (slowly) to set the scene.

How about –

Gray creeps towards the operating table…

Quoted Text Scared and confused, gray stumbles backwards. He yells as loud as he can.

Gray – not gray

Loose as loud as he cans – SCREAMS will do – or give us what he’s yelling. E.g, NO!!

Or whatever.

Gray looks over at a digital clock. The time is 4:42 AM.

Quoted Text Is 4:42 important?

Quoted Text ESTABLISHING SHOT of the two story house with a terrace and a second floor balcony that wraps from the side of the house, around to the back. A sleek, simplistic design. The front lawn is well-maintained, juxtaposed to the thick, overgrown woods that surrounds the property.

You don’t need to state it’s an ESTABLISHING SHOT

Quoted Text Clean, modernly furnished. It’s an open concept, with the kitchen actually connected to the DINING ROOM.

Are these important details? Wouldn’t just – Clean and modern – do the trick? This entire passage is a bit overwritten – my suggestion:

Gray sips coffee as he gazes out the window at the woods beyond the backyard.

SUZY MILLER (71), frail and kind, cooks bacon at the stove next to him. She grabs a piece, then knocks on a kitchen cabinet door next to her.

The door opens and JAMIE MILLER (9), wearing hearing aids, pokes her head out.
She flashes a smile at her grandmother, shoots her a SIGN LANQUAGE THANK YOU, then disappears back inside the cabinet.

Suzy smiles as she glances towards Gray, off in his own world. Her smile fades to a concerned frown.

This:

Quoted Text TAYLOR After what happened, we had your back regarding your time away. You recovered from your injuries. Hopefully you’ve had proficient time to grieve --

Is way too on the nose.

Like I said above - real nits. This is engaging, IMO. Nice work

Hi Both. Gave this a read and I scrambled notes down as I went and at the end. I have copied and pasted the notes below, hopefully there is something legible in all that crap lol


I judge the woman for reaching for the front door, knowing she has a kid upstairs to protect.

Page 7 – you got an extra “she flashes a shy”

Seems odd to me that Gray holsters his weapon as he goes to check the shed.

Nurse Allison was oddly confronting considering he asked a simple question. Although I think that little exchange with the nurse wasn’t needed. Him asking about the car accident coupled with the dream earlier already put into my mind that he was talking about a past event and had forgotten what had happened, so Taylor then explaining to the nurse is overkill.

Quoted Text EXT. MARTIN’S HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY Everything is calm and relaxed. Then, RANDY HEINICKE (19), uses a cane, smashes through the front screen door, falls down the steps on the concrete pathway.

Could do with a better introduction to this scene. What it looks like etc. Reads like this isn’t the first time we have visited this place. “The” instead of “a” for items not introduced.

“Gray shoves the barrel of the gun in Ishaan’s mouth.”
I guess you changed a character’s name? there is no Ishaan in the scene.
Ishaan name appears again on page 37

Ahh dude! Not the dog! That’s just evil.  

Quoted Text The bottle shatters against Maanik’s body, engulfing both him and the stairway in flames.

That is a seriously weak bottle to smash when thrown against a human body.

Quoted Text ANGLE ON one of the dining room chairs wedged against Gray’s bedroom door as –

Don’t internal doors usually open into the room, not the hallway?

Quoted Text Jamie sets Jamie down

– She’s talented lol

Vihaan on page 72 – another name change I guess

Quoted Text TAYLOR: You don’t mind holding onto my knife, do ya’ buddy?

Since the revelation that he was a bad guy, I thought his dialogue to be very stilted and a bit too bad-guy-cliché. The above line was the exception.

Taylor’s dialogue is getting worse and more exposition-y (not a word, I know). All of the exposition is basically coming from dialogue at this point, but very direct “Hey, I’m doing this because of this” dialogue.

If Maanik was saving him from a violent family as a child, why he throws him out of the window? (This scene does explain why his mother, in the beginning, was fleeing the house and not saving her child though)

Ok, I’ve finished the read. More ramblings are below.

Taylor being the bad guy was a twist that wasn’t earned, same with the fact he was in love with Kristina. There was no set-up for the payoff. Could you include hints that Taylor at least even knew Kristina? Photos of all 3 together,  him talking about her in previous scenes in a way that seems normal at the time, but once we are hit with the twist we think “Ooooh, that’s why he said/did that”

I’d add in a reason that Taylor would also want to send Luis to his death with Gray. At the moment it makes little sense that Taylor would send Gray the trap with backup, unless there is motive there. I wouldn’t cut Luis out, as he adds a lot of gore.

Thinking of it, did Taylor even give Gray a reason to go check out Maanik's house? He gave him a bit of paper, but we were never told what was on it. Or what Gray thought he was going to Manik's house for.

No idea why Taylor bothered to lure Randy into the woods to kill him. Getting rid of potential witnesses? If so, why not also go after Martin? Seems very messy considering he would have had to try and cover it all up later.
Randy and Martin need to be involved in the plot more. At the moment they just seem to exist adjacent to it, coming in to add to the body count.

I quite like that he has his jaw wired shut for most of it. Adds another element of terror to his ordeal.

I also quite like the fact that you made the daughter deaf but didn’t revolve the story around it. Hard to explain what I mean, but you normalised the fact she was deaf without exploiting it for the plot.

Taylor being the child in the opening scene caught me off guard, I thought it was Gray. I assume that was the intention, if so, worked on me.

Although I like the break from reality that his hospital dreams create, they don’t seem to push the narrative forward any. Maybe these can reveal some of the background of Kristina?

I’m not the target audience for this, so pinch of salt with everything I say, also I have no idea what I am talking about, so 2 pinches of salt, please.

It’s a bit too cliché for me, especially Maanik being a large silent serial killer with extraordinary unkillable abilities and the POV’s of the killer.
But I’m sure they are cliches for a reason, people like them in their slashers.

Liked the anxious ending, “he’s gonna keep on coming”

All the best to you