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Sorry to say this one didn't really work for me. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure it's totally fixable. Heres what I think you should do IMHO:
1. Bastion was the only character I didnt really like. He came off as snotty and pretentious to me. This was almost saved with the "not in that shirt" comment, but it wasnt enough. You need more like that. You need to show a more ulnerable side to bastion, show that he too is struggling with their situation, even if its just a private scene that no other characters see, I think it's totally necessary.
2. This script suffered from the page limit. The whole Abel-Rebecca relationship just comes off as ridiculous in this short, as their is absolutely no room for it to grow. What comes to mind is "Night of the Living Dead". If you've seen it, theres a sappy love scene between two teenaged Characters, and its really there only scene because right before hand they're hiding in the basement or seperated, and right after they both blow up. My point is that without context, no one cares about the relationship between abel and rebecca.
3. A lot of this just doesnt make sense. Here are questions I asked myself: Why don't they just cover the drain? WHy does the water burst out from the ground? Did they hit a geyser (joke)? I guess thats all, still, it was enought o bug me and remove me from the story.
4. i, personally, thought the ending blew. It didn't really make sense (Was there a nuclear holocaust? why were they running an experiment? why would the characters instantly forget about the company that acused them to revert to being savages, not to mention the multiple deaths, and be happy enough to pun?) Beyond the fact that it doesnt make sense, its a bit of an "Oh, it was all just a dream!" ending. Very unsatisfying.
this script has a neat premise, but the ending was anti-climatic. I was expecting more oomph! Also, the action sequence with the coyote was too short, in my opinion. When writing an action scene, I feel there needs to be more meat. It can be done without going over the top. But, that being said, it was a nice read. It flowed nicely.
If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick! John Mavity
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0109 TWC - Barren Earth
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