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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Red on Yellow - OWC
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  Author    Red on Yellow - OWC  (currently 2000 views)
George Willson
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 9:27am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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How I know you're young: 35 counts as an "old man." Haha. At 38, I five-starred the hardest song on the hardest difficulty on Dance Central 3 as judged by a Kinect. 35 isn't even remotely old.

Anyway, did we hit the theme on this one? Hm, contrasting civilizations meet with disastrous consequences. Who is the stranger in whose land? If we lean to the fish out of water idea... Obviously, neither side is well-equipped to handle the other. I suppose I can see where you had the theme in your head while writing it...

The native interpretations of the "white man" are amusing, and it probably works to your benefit that you went with an absolute stereotype when dealing with the "civilized world." On a first read, it flowed pretty well from point to point. I even like the casual nature of the dialogue between the tribesmen. Too many times, they are portrayed rather coldly and hard to relate to.

Really, the worst thing you have in this is the constant use of subtitles. Now, reading their dialogue would be hilarious against the potentially frightening presentation. Of course, that could turn a lot of people off as well.

Overall, you have something pretty good here. Well done.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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I didn't think I was going to like this as I guessed what was going to happen based on the logline. I then saw that this was again another script with heavy descriptions. Every script I've read so far has been overly descriptive in this OWC, in my opinion of course. Some prefer it that way.  

So I didn't really want to like this, but I loved it.

It ticks all the boxes, right page length, correct restrictions on characters and stranger in a stranger land. Yes it didn't have any surprises but it worked. The two tribesmen were hilarious and I can imagine the humor working really well on screen. in fact I think the subtitles will add to the humor.  

Jake was an idiot who was begging to be killed but that really worked as well, it was simply his character.

The writer either really knows about this topic or did their research as it all seemed viable and real to me. Even if it isn't, I believed it was.  Either way the writer did the work and it paid off.  Great job, my favorite so far.

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Spqr
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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This was very good! Except for the expense, of course. The only thing I might add, is Jake making an attempt to get to the radio, or using his smart phone, to call Dispatch about the trouble he's in.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Happy to read this on request. As promised I've not read any comments by anybody else.

Logline - quite like that, sounds different.

Is it me, or does the format seem a little off initially?

Picky point but he opening could be crisper and if we see above, we don't see the light below. I get the idea, sometimes fine tuning the words helps out.

Game trail - I personally would add this is within the forest, slugs can have two parts to them
Until scene I'm thinking Indiana jones opening...
Wait her..page 2 I'm sure you are noted with this comment now

Ok finished.

I like the setting. I think this is a real opportunity. The miscommunication. The hopes, dashed etc A clash of worlds.

The fat American felt a tad obvious, as was his death. The tribesmen I struggled a tad with their dialogue. I get where you were coming from, but on occasions simpler words could have helped.

Also some foreshadowing would help.

Not easy to film, but a good idea and one that could work with some adjustment.

A worthy OWC entry


My scripts  HERE

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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I'm guessing this is supposed to be funny, but it's not.

For one thing, how can you make fun of this:

>The forest is decimated. Trees are cleared and stacked.
Slash piles burn with columns of black smoke.

And all the "Whoa Dude", dialogue. It's tiresome.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ajr
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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So if you google it, the Kawahiva are a real tribe in Brazil, listed as 'non-contacted', and deforestation is one of the primary threats to their existence.  Of course only the reader knows it's supposed to be the Kawahiva tribe and Brazil, so the filmgoer gets a generic experience in the Amazon rainforest and would undoubtedly have the questions related above as to how and why the natives behave like they do.

I liked this one because it's clever and winky and even though we know Jake will be killed in the end, the reasoning - that he's been captured by a large yellow beast - is plausible and somewhat humorous.

Little nitpicks - from what little I read about them, the Kawahiva run away whenever they see 'the enemy', which I assume is all humans outside of their tribe. So what is their motivation for helping the enemy escape the beast?  I would think that they'd know about deforestation, having seen it impact their land for who knows how long already, and would either run away, or be angry enough to kill Jake on sight.

But then I understand this is a drama infused with comedic irony to make its point.

Agree with what was said earlier, that the dialogue sounds too American. I get that they probably don't have native words that correspond to a great many American words so we are hearing what we understand, as Americans, what they're conveying to each other, however contractions are a very American thing.

Also agree that this would be tough to film. I guess you can now fly a drone over a forest, and it's possible that the Pacific Northwestern U.S. has forests that could double? Then you have to rent the heavy equipment (not cheap) and find a logging site, and literally start knocking down some trees. Yes, this works as a parable, however isn't screenwriting about getting the material onto film? Otherwise we would just write novels. This would cost too much per page to film for the payoff we eventually get.

I'd also like to hear the author's explanation for the title. Of course I get the Yellow, however the Red? Other than the pejorative for Indian or Native, I'm at a loss. Bloodshed perhaps?

My ramblings aside, I did like this as a story, and the writer has great command of language, and the idea is clever.  Good job.

Oh and someone called the choice of the fat American obvious. It's obvious for a reason, and there's no more scathing commentary than that, is there?  


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Now that the results have been posted (Congrats Rene), some explanation:

- "Red on Yellow" comes from the old adage to identify the deadly Coral snake "Red on yellow, kill a fellow". In this case the tribesmen with the face paint and hair dyed red, and the yellow beast/dozer.

- The Kawahiva are considered one of the last non-contacted tribes in the Amazon.

- Ururu and Konibu were the only two authentic names I could find on short notice.

- I'm glad some folks understood where I was coming from with the two different P.O.V. describing the beast/dozer. If ever produced (never happen), some CG could make the dozer look beastly when first introduced.

- Okay, so their subtitled dialect came off too modern. I've been called out in the past for having Native Americans come off too Hollywood (i.e. 'me likem smoke' but never that bad). So...how would an Amazonian dialect translate into subtitles? You tell me.

- The comment on my age...HA! I'm 54! I don't think my age has anything to do with how a 20 year old native might think of a 35 year old Elder. That could be old, IDK.

- Finally...me making fun of the rampant uncontrolled clear cutting and burning of the Amazon rain forest?! What? Far from that! Pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.

So there you have it. Thanks for all the reads, the likes, and feedback!
~ John
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