The Last Wish by 0 - Short, Drama - A Clown tries to talk Death into letting him die in his own home 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not in this OWC but will try and read a few

This logline caught my eye. Let's see

Bird view - I think I would add POV to give clarity
Missing words around the birds 'unlikely'

Quite like that.

Nice not to have some damn depressing script. Like with most entries it could do with a tidy and whilst the end is fine, a little more flesh as it was a little difficult to accept that this would change his health, when he had already been kind and thoughtful. But the juxtaposition of trying to make money for a funeral which is not needed because of generosity is a fine idea.

Bets of luck.

Norman Gates -- is the echo of a very famous film character intentional?

This is a quick read and a pleasant, heart-warming story. It could be a little TOO heartwarming -- Norman's never really anything but perfect -- but it definitely hits the notes for a feel-good flick.

I'm not sure that the stakes of the tip are established all that well, and so the climax is the one thing I have a bit of an issue with. You did the climactic choice well, but I didn't understand why those two options -- funeral or no tip -- represented Norman's major conflict.

Hmmm. Not quite sure about this one meeting the parameters of the OWC. Who is the stranger and what is the strange land? If the stranger is death - then his visit to Norman is not strange. If the stranger is the Clown - then being in a house is not a strange land. So, I am teetering on it not meeting the guidelines - however, not in the mood for a DQ.

I liked the story and loved the reveal on Norman is a child. I thought the goody two shoes aspect of Norman was a little over the top - but I get the point.

Hey writer,

Is the fish out of water death or Norman? Didn't really get that, probably me being a Muppet. Character count was good, as was the page.

Nice little story. I too wondered if the name was related to a certain other Norman. Loved death's intro, flying into the room and not exactly making a perfect landing. Death also had character, the lad doesn't always get credit for having a sense of humour.

A very creative take on the challenge. Probably a consider for me,

Cam

Writer,

This reminds me of one of those old The Devil and Daniel Webster stories, where the devil gets cheated. Same thing here, really. Problem for me is that it wasn't strong enough of a story to leave a lasting impression on me. Actually, the ending left me scratching my head as I was not sure how returning the money bought Norman more time. Regardless of that, it was a tough read because of the way it was written. Either you're a "newer" writer, which is way cool because you're in the right place, or English is your second language. Either way, a lot of mistakes with your syntax and choice of words. Otherwise, good effort!

Steve

I picked this one because I'm in the middle of writing a clown horror feature. I just had to check it out.

I think you did great with the story here. Very good, actually. Nice little drama that would be easy to film too. Minus the crow...

There some odd wordings here and there that could use a few more go overs.

I would also trim some of the dialogue between Norman and Death as it is a little too much exposition and some even repetitive. IMHO, you could probably trim at least one page from this and make it even better.

So, the story is good, but I'm I don't think it's a fish out of water story. Some might hit you for that in the voting.

Mixed bag for me this one though I did like the concept. had good and average moments - maybe the writer was rushed or didn't have a definite view of how it would end?

Writing is strong by someone at ease with the ropes. One of the better ones, for sure

Page numbers are incorrect.

"bird view" - Huh?  3rd passage is completely incorrectly phrased.

So, the chimney leads to a guest bedroom in Tommy's House?  Really?  And it just happens to be "Death".  Oh man...no...please, no...

Page 4 - "Tommy runs away. In a moment, he’s back with the water. He
hands the glass to Norman." - This is a mistake here.  Unless you intend on just leaving the camera running on Norman while he waits for Tommy, this is an obvious cut here, meaning a new scene is needed - or better yet, a MOMENTS LATER...but the way the scene is constructed is problematic.

Lots of very odd phrasings,  like English may not be your first language?

Page 9 - The Slug here is completely incorrect, as Norma has left Tommy's House...only to return moments later.

Writing is not good.  Dialogue is not good. Story is very nice and sweet...even powerful in ways, so that's good.

I don't see any fish out of water or strangers in strange lands though, and I hate scripts with "Death" involved.

Grade - ** 1/2

Eh?

I was liking the setup at first. Death flying in as a crow, an old clown as the protag changing in the bathroom of a party. But then it just flat-lined. The dialogue about the boy in the hospital went on too long, considering Norman has Death standing behind him which could make for interesting situations but Death is ignored at that point. Actually that's the thing, Death is pretty much ignored through the whole script. Norman seems able to pity him around at his leisure, and well, this is DEATH we're talking about here. Norman didn't seem to care much about his visit so why should we?

With more work you might have an interesting idea. But I'd rather see Norman outsmart Death someway instead of making the big dead guy a pussywillow pushover softie.

Hey,
Death is too goofy for me in this. Maybe you should make it even goofier and turn it into a comedy. Or have it as a drama and go easy on the goof. I don't know - it doesn't work for me the way it's now.
And Norman Bates (Norman Bates? why I wonder) is way too nice.

I'm not saying the story doesn't work but suggesting you work on the characters. Make Norman nastier towards Death - he's not happy to see it, does he?
And work a little more on that writing (and so should I on mine)

Not bad but it was all tied up a little too conveniently for me at the end. He gives $100 back and is suddenly not dying anymore. This suggests that kindness makes us live longer, which isn't true. Doesn't work for me as an adult... however, kids may get something from it.

This was a cool idea, but, who was the fish out of water?  And why would Death allow this?

We needed more info and we didn't get it.

Not bad, but, not really fitting the challenge.  At least IMO.

Dan

It feels like this script needed more backstory to breathe.

Agree with Heretic, that the climax didn't quite feel earned, and the stakes (funeral v no tip) felt a little difficult to understand. I am not quite sure what to take away as the message with that decision by Death.

The negiotiation with Death was the neat part of the story, and that's what clearly set out stakes early on would've tied the bow more sweetly.

I always like to see writer's version of Death and always like the goofy version. I'm curious how Norman cheated death before? It was mentioned like it would somehow be relative to being a trixster but all he had to do this time was be nice. Kinda a let down. Being nice should be the deciding factor of whether he goes to heaven or hell maybe?

Not sure how this qualifies either. Good effort.

Well, it was a sweet story. The death element was interesting and kept it moving. It reminded me a bit of an old Twilight Zone episode where a guy asked death for one more sale and then stopped selling altogether.

Now, the bad news. There was no fish out of water or stranger in a strange land. Norman expected death. Death belonged there. Norman belonged in the house. No one was anywhere unfamiliar or anyplace they didn't belong. You wrote a good script, so no despair there, but it does not meet the most fundamental of requirements and didn't even pretend to.

If I had any complaints it would be the sort of heavy handed way that mom kept trying to prevent Tommy from hearing the man's story. It didn't make a lot of sense. Dude's like, "Let me talk" and she's all "shut up, man, I gotta tell my kid to leave you alone." Then he told his tale, and she's shuffling out of the room before anything else is said. Was kind of weird.

Other than that, this is the second one where the theme was very solidly not followed that resulted is a pretty good script. Good job.

Wrong page numbers

Good first act

Good second act

Great. I like it very much. It's a coherent story, well balanced with charm and heart.

There were some fine grim lines and also a lot of lightweight irony coming from death into the script. I liked that whole back and forth of changing atmosphere. That said the only way I could construe your story with regards to the parameters is that death, as archetype in storytelling, principally comes for the bad people: so here death is in a strange situation when meeting Norman, because his kindness hinders Death to get the job done… But that's really widely interpreted in your favor :-)
Whatever, I enjoyed the read.

I like everything about this except for the Death character, and the ending which I'll attribute to the character. None of it rings true after the initial introduction. The bird was great, the creepiness was great, the first lines were great...and then Death turned into a whiny brat. Which leads to the ending that makes no sense, because if Death doesn't claim virtuous people then Mother Theresa should be alive and kicking. I got the sense that maybe this wasn't really Death, except it was introduced as a real entity and not just in Norman's head, which might have been a neat way to go, with a conscience that threatens to kill him if he doesn't toe the line.

My bigger beef is this in no way really satisfies the challenge. Any interpretation is a stretch.

Anyway, good entry, one of the better ones I've read despite my grievances.

This was almost a nicely done rating from me, but here's what lowered it for me.

The way Death speaks felt strained to me. On page 7 in his dialogue

-unusual for a little boy strength- was clunky

When Norman says

-I don't want to creep people out that's all

That sounds silly to me.

Pg 8 - You have an exactly half hour.

The above and others like it detract from what is mostly good copy in this.

Page 9 - I started to feel the whole thing was going on too long. I think it was when Norman gives the second present. It felt overdone at this point. I guess less really is more. A hard thing to achieve though it sounds so simple.

This is probably what detracted the most. From the get-go, I remember thinking in the opening

a quiet neighborhood, manicured lawns, not rich
but not shabby either.

could have merely been something like

An average neighbourhood.

That would be enough to tell this particular story.

Because of the excessiveness of that first line, it could cost you serious readers who are looking for a golden nugget.

Also, when Norman says,

Single mother you know,

I was going, yes we know, we know. Don't hit us over the head with the idea.

Going back over my notes I see

an unlikely for a bird speed

let know the party is over

These things really affect what to me could have been an excellent script.

My advice for this is to rethink how you portray Death. Can you do something to make him more real rather than another Joker? Can you be more subtle?

Can you make a point to not draw out Norman's exit from the house-- you know what I mean, like don't make it too sappy? He's a a good person with a good heart we can see that, but he also needs to be real.

So yeah, maybe just tone some of it down.

Otherwise, I found this very memorable. I loved the picture in your opening with the crow.

A good one.

Sandra

Good story, but Death giving clown another chance for doing a good deed after mocking him all along for pretending to be good needs more explanation. The cleanest way to do this is if Death is ordered by a higher power to give the clown another reprieve. Of course, the writer is god in this piece, so please don't smite me!

Hey, thanks to all for the feedback, I may rewrite this one day.

Now I have to come clean about the name. Norman Gates.
As usual, this was an accident. A big stupid accident - I just googled boys names and Norman was the first to come up, Gates was the first last name to come up via google. And then I thought Norman Gates sounds so familiar. And then - all the better, Norman Gates it is.

And once I named an Indian character Ho-Chunk. In some kind of Indian language, it means the one who sings well. So the feedback I got was "oh I like your chunky whore".

And I know stupid things like this one come in three. I'll keep my eyes open for the next one. Can't wait!

Thanks again, all spot on, SS rocks))

Kham, you're making extreme progress in my eyes. Your script and "In A Pinch" were my two excellent votes.

Then, in the end, your script was my very favorite script.

The wolf and Boy story was also AWESOME

Be confident, I feel there's passion. Not only that... you're strong, go on.

Very impressive work, Kham. I'm not going to lie and say this was one of my favourites, but from a writer's perspective, this is good work. Nice job.

@Alex, thanks. Didn't see that coming, ultimate favorite, woah. That makes me very happy. I'm not giving up on it, will reopen and rewrite in a short while. It's budget friendly and because of that has a chance to be filmed I think.

@Dustin, thanks, glad you liked it. I noticed the story appealed to some. I'll rewrite and repost.