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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Don't Look - OWC
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  Author    Don't Look - OWC  (currently 2753 views)
DanC
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 1:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
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1131
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I agree with everyone else.  You have a good foundation for a story.  It's a classic, so, you need to change it up.  

Also, you MUST have some sort of payment for her looking at the daughter.  You missed a golden opportunity...

I think you need to figure out what kind of story you're telling.  

SPOILERS
And it was so tidy to meet a guy at the end who knows the story??  Take that out.  

Instead, have her go to the car to get a first aid kit (or specialized nursing supplies) to go back to the house to save the mom or daughter, but, it starts on fire due to a lightning strike, so, she's in a race against time, only, they are gone...

It has potential.  One of the better ones.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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'blonde'... a Brit?

'cell phone'... a Brit writing as an American?

Code

She slams her foot on the breaks...



Brakes.

Awkwardly phrased action.

Unrealistic dialogue.

Code

Thunder BOOMS the earth.



Not good.

Needs a big rewrite.
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JEStaats
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
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All my points would just be a repeat of the previous comments (cop-out). I must say that it was an easy read and, even though the ending was not a surprise, I needed to finish. The best part was everything about Scarlet. Good effort, writer!
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Cameron
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Mate, scrub the comment and wait till after, not long now
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ReneC
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Vancouver, BC
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Don't let criticism get to you. There's a reason you need a thick skin to be a screenwriter. It's too personal, every negative review feels like an attack. If Dustin's biggest beef was the spelling of "blond" take it as a compliment. Better yet, just ignore it, it doesn't help you. You decide which notes help you to improve and which can be disregarded. The trick is, really disregard them, let them go completely and move on with the helpful ones.


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DanC
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 1:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
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Tyler, you gotta be tougher.  Yes, it might be a bit rude, but trust me when I say that some are awful.  Some people with money have no decency at all.

You really just have to shrug it off and move on.  Your entry was better than mine and I've been doing this for over a year.  Very few have liked anything I've written and that's OK.

You might get 100 rejection letters before you sell a minor short (forget about a feature) and that's OK because that is your journey.

Be kind, focus on yourself, and let the haters hate.  You can't and won't change them.  

I believe in Karma.  Big time.  I believe that people who hurt others because they can will one day pay a price and I also believe that people who are good because they want to reap rewards.  It might not be what you want at that time, but it might be what you need.

I hope you do write something for the next OWC

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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I didn't realise that asking if somebody was a Brit because they used an 'e' in blonde was an insult.

I also remember you saying before the OWC that you only had a few hours to write it. So why are you crying? Your story got what it deserved.
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DanC
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 2:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
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What did his story deserve??  He wrote a fairly decent attempt at the challenge.  His is certainly doing better than mine and quite a few others I'd imagine.  

Didn't Bill say once that his masterpiece "The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice" didn't take long to write??

Some folks are younger or newer or had issues with the story and isn't it up to all of us to keep the dialog on the positive side?

If there was one thing writers did here it'd be to show us how to do something correctly.  In other words, instead of writing that the slugs are all wrong, take one or 2 and show the writer how it should be done.  

This is an exercise in how to get better, the OWC isn't a contest or a test to be graded.  We,myself included, should all be pointing out stuff that is wrong and how to fix it.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
What did his story deserve?
Dan


Whatever he feels his story got.

He specified 'people'... meaning more than one.

I pointed out what I believe is wrong with the script and can't be bothered at this time to give screenwriting lessons that are rarely appreciated anyway. The recipient often takes it as being pedantic or self-serving, ego-driven, being a know-it-all.

So, I pointed out what was wrong... and what should be wrong for just a few hours work. What the writer himself should already know is wrong.

So, wtf?
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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Blunt, I accept. Rude and insulting... no. That's your bruised ego talking.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 4:40am Report to Moderator
Administrator



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The Swamp...
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7961
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If you have an issue with any particular member, you can go to your member settings and block that person. That way you won't see his or her posts anymore.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler, I hope my comments didn't upset you, but looking back at them, they very may well have.

Bro, you gotta let this stuff roll off you.  Take the negative comments and see if they can be used to help you as a writer.  If you learn just a single trick or mistake in a bad review, you've done great.

The negative reviews you receive are usually the most important ones you receive, as they (hopefully) show you mistakes you made that you weren't aware of.

The BS glowing reviews most leave don't help at all, and in fact, they actually hurt you as a writer.  When someone who doesn't have a clue says, "the writing on display here is awesome", and it's actually not at all, the writer is going to think he nailed it and continue to write that way.

Hey, you yourself worried earlier if you were being too harsh.  You weren't.  You were keeping it real, which is what I do as well.  Like you, I'm a perfectionist...I hate making mistakes and love it when someone points out a mistake/typo I made, cuz if I was aware of it, I wouldn't have let it slip.

Be cool, bro, and don't let it get to you.  Hope to see you continue to show your work here and give feedback to others.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
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4319
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I liked how this was written and it flowed well.

But, for me, Scarlett didn't really fit - she seemed like something from a J Horror film...

But all in all a decent tale.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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I asked if you were British because you used an 'e' in blonde. It's standard to do that here. I'm British. Why would that be an insult? I enjoy trying to guess the writers from their styles and story choices.

What you're really hurt about is me not liking your writing.

Others like it, don't they?

As writers, we must get used to some people not liking our work. Some people hate my stuff, some don't care either way and others love it. I ignore the haters and concentrate on the others.

I can't be bothered to pander to your insecurities any further. So, please stop whining and bringing up my name as though it's my fault.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
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I had three favourites and this one for me is the best.

I'm sad to say though, that I don't think it meets the criteria for Stranger in a Strange Land

Think for a second, just a little tweak at the beginning, and you could have The Nurse landing in that vehicle. Make it not her life. Make her a Walk-In.  Then, boom, you're in the parameters.

But I'm willing to disregard the parameters just to say this was my favourite, but my vote can't really count because I'm not abiding by the true rules and spirit of the contest.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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