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The Daughter of Gore by Gorden Lewis - Short, Horror - A woman trying to start over in life just can't get away from the sins of her infamous dad. 12 pages - pdf, format
This is a pretty interesting concept, but when reading the actual script, it just kind of fell flat for me. And the dialogue is very "on the nose", which is the most common dialogue mistakes screenwriters make. I understand writing dialogue is hard, trust me it's my weak spot as well, but the "on the nose" was prevalent throughout the entire script. It was a good effort though, and good job for completing it!!
Hmmm...from the low budget Herschell Gordon Lewis flick?
Using "smartass" stuff on your title page probably isn't the way to start things off.
No reason for the Mini Slugs following the full Slugs.
5 line passage ending in an orphan on Page 2 is a problem that is so easily fixed.
"MAN TWO" - ? Huh? Not good.
"MASKED MAN ONE" - Oh boy...next line when he speaks, he's "MAN ONE". Not good.
Dialogue is really bad, sorry to say. So bad that this comes off as a joke or the like.
I guess you only revealed 4 characters, but naming them the way you did is a huge mistake.
I don't get the stranger in a strange land vibe here at all, but I bet you'll say it's Becca the Wicca/Satanist in the Christian's land, but these guys are far from Christians, and it's very unlikely she literally just got here...but again, it's her own house she's in.
You've met the initial brief on all counts, well done.
Now, I'm not a slasher fan, but I'll try to put that aside for the sake of this review. Overall I thought it was written well enough, the formatting seemed to be fine too.
The thing that kinda got me is the pace hammers up to "kill mode" very early in the piece (hope that makes sense), and has to maintain that right until the end, and this restricts any tonal shifts or flexibility. On reflection this could be something to do with the genre, and the need to maintain peril for as long as possible, so ignore the previous comment if that sounds about right as you clearly know more about the genre than I do.
The chainsaw too, not sure where that came from but hey, it's probably another genre thingy! Nice touch if so, made me laugh for some reason.
Guess this will be one for the horror fans, but puting the genre aside I thought it was quite good.
This one left me cold. The whole woman in peril thing was way over the top, the generic names and poor dialogue made me not take it seriously, and that meant the ending didn't have the impact it could have if I actually cared about the characters. Too much dialogue from her at the end, whatever tension there was got lost in it. It was obvious to me the demonic entity was going to be her so I never felt she was in any real danger, and that added to me not taking any of it seriously.
Before I give a review, I liked way you claimed your copyright, but there's a definitive difference between the at (@) and copyright (�) symbol.
Now, onto the actual review.
It was good five pages in. The adverbs could have been left out and the onomatopoeia was a little distracting, but you had me thoroughly intrigued. I even liked the black comedy. But, after five pages in, this went off the rails. Sorry.
The dialog became far-fetched and crude without any real reason, considering the premise and genre. The men just felt out of place. But not only the dialog became tongue-in-cheek and absurd, the characters reveals, scenarios, and prose became tongue-in-cheek as well. (Ex: Man #1 showing off his knife with no attack.)
Another thing: you should have wrote "Man #" instead of "Man [number]". It's far easier on the reader's eyes. Also, why didn't you capitalize "man" but you capitalized the number?
Without rambling in depths, I didn't understand the story. Nonetheless, I appreciate you completing the script and story. With rewrites and more script reading, this would be a better script.
I'm not a pretentious douche about writing, or anything, but I sure as hell love it.
At first I thought the writer went over character limit, then I realized they were the same guy. I watched scenes from "Wizard of Gore" before the read in hopes to gain some context, but after reading my expectations were lost. The story was more like these guys just messed with the wrong lady than strange land theme.
I have to admit that I was hoping for more cheesy gore, brains & guts, not at fault to the writer. Since I haven't watched the original film the references to the father and his beliefs were confusing.
Some nit format issues - what's up with the dual slugs? (i.e., a full slug followed by a mini-slug with nothing in between).
I was okay with this through five pages or so and in fact loved the moment when she made the first phone call to security. But then it went a bit off the rails for me because of this:
Quoted Text
BECCA (to Man Three) Besides, ’roided up freak like you probably has no penis.
type of thing - in a moment of dire panic she's making roid insult - derailed the tension. THe second problem is that the dialogue became so heavily burdened with explanation at the end - the killer and the victim sharing their background and motives - it made it unnatural.
Nice effort - find a away to tell the story without so much exposition. Last add - I think you are better off with just one killer. Adding several didn't really add anything.
With rocks flying through my window I would split from there ASAP. Oh but this is a movie. I love horror and Satanic horror is intense. Get rid of one guy and add Satan himself, just a thought.
Uh... Right. Ok, so from a parameter perspective, do we have our stranger? Well, that's what it is clearly establishing in the opening scenes. I got that. Four characters? A bit confusing, but I think there were only four actors in the script.
As for the rest... bloody hell. I can't even.
I thought for a bit this was some kind of dream sequence. I was expecting her to wake up and it be a dream sequence because it made no damn sense. I seriously got lost in all of whatever went on at the beginning of the final sequence. I was completely thrown when MAN TWO came before MAN ONE. But hey, they're just character designations, so not a huge deal there.
Beyond the orgy-fest of mayhem which feels so amateurish that there is not much in the way of positives to offer from a story perspective, we had Becca go into exposition-mode all of a sudden to explain EVERYTHING.
I mean, I can see your perspective on following the parameters. You stuck to that. If someone had an excess of stage blood they needed to get rid of, this'd be right up their alley. It doesn't offer much else.
Do I want to steal from you? Heh, if you write something worth stealing, maybe. This? No.
And I just remembered this halfway through another script... A dial tone? On a cell phone? Clearly you're a moviemaker because they don't know how phones work either. 99% of the time, you will never, ever hear a dial tone on a cell phone. Can anyone name the underused feature that makes up the only time you will actually hear a dial tone? Note that it is never when placing a standard point to point call, so it definitely would not occur in your situation here.
I couldn't take it. I started skimming at page 5 and then by page 10 there was just lots and lots of talking. From reading the comments I see that it's exposition.
Needs a lot of work. I'm not even sure what it was about exactly. Reads like a very first draft. The exposition should be relayed in clever ways throughout the story... as you may already know. Perhaps you were in a rush. It really shows.
I'm thinking this is too talky for a horror. The guys came to hurt her and accidentally revive the demon in her - and suddenly the demon keeps explaining who it is and why it wants their blood. Actually, I didn't get its explanations. It was talking about the time it was working a lot, something like that. I read it twice and didn't' get it. Man 1 Man 2 - I don't know but feels like wrong kind of introduction. And you have to find a way to differentiate them. Also, do you really need all three? Maybe two will be enough. And it will be easier for you to have just three.
I also think they need a better reason for breaking than just "we just want to hurt you". That doesn't sound good, I suggest you change that bit of dialog. But don't listen to me, I never watch gory movies, what do I know.
Big fan of horror but meh on slasher. When Becca ramped it up, man, she went turbo! Until a pause for a message from her sponsor to explain why she was doing what she was doing.
I guess it meets the challenge but not a big fan. Good effort but maybe a few revisions will make me a fan.
Wow, that packed a punch, the punch of gore, gore and oh, gore.
Kinda odd the dialog. Some of it read like a cheesy comedy, like the change from Evil Dead to Evil Dead 2.
The ending was influenced by another classic horror movie called "The Trilogy of Terror" right down to the red eyes and pointed teeth, sheesh...
I think this felt like a first draft and lots of cuts to get down to the page limit...
It did meet the parameters, barely.
If she was getting harassed, why would she stay?
As I've noticed with so many other horror scripts, they need to make sense. And this fails. Perhaps the writer ran out of time, or didn't even consider some facts.
This could be an effective story. Woman's father sold his soul basically, cursed the entire family. The entity wants her to give into it, she resists, these guys force her to give in and she loses her soul forever because of them.
There's tragedy there that gets overshadowed by the gore. Tell the story and the gore will come? Does that make sense??
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I'm completely unfamiliar with the Wizard of Gore.
I was actually kind of digging this until page 4. Then it snapped the suspension of disbelief so violently my boxer shorts were ejected by a gravitational slingshot effect so fast they went back in time and rescued two humpback wales called George and Gracie.
The actions and motivations of the boys were completely unbelievable, even for a horror. it seemed you were going for the Scream angle where teenagers become psychotic killers just for kicks but I wasn't buying it. The dialogue was very on the nose and although the build up to releasing the demon side of the girl was good with the ventriloquist angle, once it happened it was such a let down, especially as she then explained the whole backstory. I think if you'd have gone with a more dissociative identity disorder angle it may have worked better.
Not for me this one but you at least entered, something which I failed to do this time.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Vague, generic logline Script is stuffed to the last line, not a good sign in case of clear concept.
P2 wrong slugline, should be…
INT. BECCA’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – DAY
P4 MAN TWO??
I miss man one here
Despite that, the dialogue box should have a header like that MAN#2
P4 interactions in picture are unclear
" It’s so much fun when the person you stalk calls the company you work for to put in the system that’s supposed to keep them safe"
Indeed. That's a generally good beat there that could be the foundation for a more concise story.
P9 is good Some humor, then the sudden twist
P10 an extreme monolog for my taste
P11 top of the page: that's another pretty nice beat
"BECCA Looks like we got a screamer."
Yeah this is cool too.
The first half of the script is "nothing" The second half of the script is "something"
There was definitely some entertainment there later. But man or woman, you must order your thoughts better. Get to the point. When they arrived at her house, the dialogue was very repetitive, the interactions unclear, descriptions felt partly untidy and hard to translate. Then her overly long monolog.
Just go with the best and leave the rest, I'd say.
This could be awesome, I like a lot of your thoughts and concepts when there is tension and movement once. Those parts felt smart and grim as the genre requires. I just feel you have a long way to realize what is "not of use" and only hinders your execution. There's plenty of it to get rid of.
Whatever, I enjoyed some parts of it very much. Learn to be direct now, let loose fillers, parts that have no context regarding the story, unnecessary dialogues, ease complicated descriptions.
The intelligent actions you deliver should shine within a tidy and precise storyline, cut, cut, cut. Then those fine moments you present would be gold.
Good framework. Lots of potential. Damn I really like some of the twists and dialogues in the last act. Thumb up.
@to be fair, here, I actually think those supernatural elements weren't allowed, so def a little minus in my book
I haven't read any other feedback from this for the moment. It also is the first script I'm reviewing for this OWC.
First, right off the cuff, I know you'll change the title page to put your own name on it after the OWC, but, that said the Dirty Harry quote with the copyright notice rubs me the wrong way. Hopefully the script is better than that banal greeting.
Seems to be a few more characters than the required limit, and if one of the men is Carl, why not just have him slugged as Carl? Not that it mattered to me much. All these guys were parroting one another in f bombs and stereotypical intruders. We don't know much about them, the reasons behind motive seem so flimsy Becca even calls them out on it. So predictably, no-name home invaders attempting to terrorize a witch is about equal to cannon fodder. They serve one purpose: to die and/or be dismembered, and then forgotten.
Then a, ahem, twist. Well, it reads like one. A bad one. What a high note to end this on. The red glowing eyes cliche which is overused to say the least in most horror specs...
The OWC was a doozie, I'll give you that. so much so even I chose not to enter because the restrictions were rough. But this didn't seem to have much thought in it.
Not sure why she Becca calls mom when this is all over - don't know what mom can do about this mess now. Other than that, I kinda liked it, but with no clue as to the backstory there's pretty much nothing to go on. I get her father being who he was, but it seems as if everyone in town knows who Becca is, which leads to a logic issue of why Becca is choosing to live there in the first place. But, this was kind of fun, pretty decent pacing and some fun slicing and dicing. Not bad, writer!
The story bookends with a phone conversation with Becca's mother. Her mother, who may or may not exist, is worried about her. But we don't know why.
She has this "force" within her that wants to be released to aid her. It's a bad thing, so Becca doesn't want to release it. How she came to possess it -- or it posses her -- is due to a spell her father found. Becca got it because at the time of the discovery her mother was pregnant with her. There has to be a simpler, cleaner, way for her to become possessed.
The men's motivation to kill Becca is muddled. First, Man One claims her father killed his mom. Then it turns out this isn't true. Then it turns out they don't really care whether her father murdered anyone at all. Apparently they're just interested in killing satan worshipers, and Becca won't be the first. But then they admit they don't really care if she is a satan worshipper or not.
They tracked down Becca thanks to facial recognition. How would two thugs have access to that resource at a level that would have to encompass the entire population of the country?
Hey guys, I wrote this one. I wanted to thank each person who read and another thanks for each comment. I did get some good stuff here.
I actually thought it was gonna get graded harsher than it did. I thought it was awful. Perhaps that's a sign that I'm "getting it" in that I could spot the issues before I submitted it.
It was funny, but, usually, following a vision isn't hard for me, I write what I "see" in my mind's eye. But, for this one, I had terrible writers' block. I couldn't see anything, so, I was writing it without any vision at all. It was hard...
I love horror, but, am not a huge gore fan. I was at Blockbuster one day, in the horror section, and I picked up the jacket. I was well aware of Gordon's other "hits" (lovingly) called stuff like "Color me Blood Red", "Gore Gore Girls", "Three on a Meat Hook" and the (somewhat) famous "Two Thousand Maniacs" (which the band 10,000 maniacs got their name from), so, I knew what he was about.
However, the jacket sounded really awesome. A magician mutilates people onstage, but, the audience doesn't see it. But, when you think the girls are dead, they appear to be fine, and go back to the audience and go on with their lives. That is, until they are found later that day dead in the same way we saw on stage.
So, the question is, is he killing them and the illusion is him hiding this fact and having them walk out, or is the illusion the murder on stage and someone else is killing them, and if so, why??
Or is something far more sinister going on.
So, to me, that sounded really interesting. This was at the time that Showtime was showing the "famous" B and C movies (like Brain Dead and Basket Case) so, it was on one night.
Funny story, but, I told my sis not to make popcorn. She did. She ate one bite and that was it. She threw the rest out...
To this day, she won't even talk about that movie.
But, to me, the movie was such a letdown and hard to follow. And I always had the belief that if this was gonna be successful. the character would have to be likable and be put into a terrible spot.
So, this is one of my second or third tier ideas for movies. She's his daughter, and she's trying to lead a good life and get into magic, and keep the demon at bay. But, she gets terrorized and I wanted the audience to agonize her choice to give in.
Clearly, I didn't do that justice here, 9 pages and only 4 people isn't a lot of time to do everything.
I do think writing these shorts is helping me write clearer for features. This plot was simple, but, still too complex for a short...
I might make a rewrite on this, once I've sold something, but, this isn't one of my better ideas.
I do think there's a story someplace, and honestly, I'm not sure I even need to call it the Daughter of Gore or make a reference to the Wizard of Gore. That way, I don't have to pay his estate anything.
I saw they redid this not long ago (the Wizard) so, who knows, they might do a sequel someday...
Each comment was spot on. Like I said, I thought I entered crap, and thanks to everyone who didn't agree with me. I guess it's better than thinking I turned in something good (like my first 2 entries) and they ended up being bad...
What do you think? Scrap the rewrite or go for it? Scrap the Wizard connection or keep it?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
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