"TOKYO JAPAN, one of the most densely populated cites in the world, apparent by the never ending pillars of concrete structures dominating the expansive landscape." Why the little history lesson thrown in about population? Cut it.  

Since you get one chance to make a first impression I will say the first page isn't working for me. I can tell you have some very specific ideas and visualizations in mind, however I don't know if it was conveyed clearly enough because it is overwritten. Do we really need to know the golden flame is tadpole shaped or that it blows in a northwest wind? I could care less what the Beer Tower looks like as well. Keep it simple and straight forward. If a detail doesn't advance the story there is no need for it. I will wait and see if the wind or shape of the flame comes into play later.

2nd OWC script with Death as a character. guy is popular for sure.

Page 3 and you have already described the gun 4 different way by my count. The .50 Cal, the Barrett M107, and  "stares blankly through a Nightforce Optics rifle scope, a long barrel protrudes into the night air, it’s fluted tip exposes the impressive diameter of the barrel." Settle on 1 description and stick to it.

2nd OWC where Death doesn't really act like Death. It's fine, just an observation.

Nice twist with the killer knowing the victim. Shame the constraints of the OWC limited how you could convey it. A flashback would work well here instead of Death just throwing out some rushed exposition. Still, I think this could be handled a better way. Maybe John gets a glimpse of her face in the scope and senses something familiar. Death, being all knowing, knows who she is but won't spill the beans. At least not at first.

When did Death get a scythe? Did it just materialize out of thin air or has he always had it?

"I don’t want to, I love you John, how many people wish they could merely glimpse their god, I get to have conversations with mine." Kinda weird that Death loves him but the god line I really liked.

However the "Death threats" go on too long. Do it or don't. Treading water with threats is stalling you out.

Not a bad story. It is overwritten in places but it's a simple moral tale told in a interesting way. I'm not so sure why Death is so intent on having John kill the girl. I can't imagine it's hard finding people to kill in his line of work. The bit about Japanese culture is shoehorned in for the challenge and could all be cut in a rewrite or expanded on to beef up the story.

Well done. The fuju dialogue was good, coming from Death and all.

I think on page one you should identify Voice O.S as Death right then and there.

I think this was a good script, but I don't think it meets the parameters of the challenge.

Sandra

I liked the concept and it's well executed. The only critique I have is a practical one: pellet guns are about all you can find in Japan, so getting a giant sniper rifle into the country is about impossible unless you have the CIA helping you.

First, let me say that both the narration and the dialogue are superbly written (other than the it's vs. its). It's not overwriting when a talented writer can give a script some visual pizzazz.

The issue I have here is that I don't care about any of the characters. In the end, you have a hit man killing himself. One I didn't get to know. Granted, I can't get to know him, or feel his conflict, within the confines of the contest. So in essence you have a teaser for a larger exploration in a feature film here.

Absolutely did not fit the challenge, as Tokyo as a location does not a stranger in a strange land make.

So I thought the start of this was over written, though I did like the Asahi building, nice touch and decent beer!

But then it settled down and there was some solid banter between John and Death, liked that... but the victim just seemed irrelevant.

John certainly didn't seem like a fish out of water, but I could make an argument for Death being out of his comfort zone... so maybe it does meet the criteria.

Anyway, I liked large parts of this.

The opening of the script is overwritten. I didn't need an entire description of the Tokyo skyline (you write "Tokyo Skyline" in the header, then "Tokyo, Japan" in the next line.) you mention that the Asasi Tower is  a black building  - twice. In the same narrative block. It's also 'strange' twice.

The main character's name is John Reaper. At first I didn't think anything of it, but then when he speaks he's credited as John. And the person he has the conversation with is the Angel Of Death.  > > >

Who comes (or, in your words, came) twice! And I just landed on page two.
Then..Death comes to life.


I'm done. Over and definitively out.