Dream by some dude with a wicked haircut - Short, Mystery, Thriller - John Reaper, a hired assassin sent to the land of the rising sun is tasked with killing a mark, but he's not alone, he has the company of his alternate personality with him, a foul mouthed sadist that loves to kill. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Is Wednesday the stranger? She is briefly, but then he discovers she's not.
Death's not a stranger.

Regardless, very nicely written. Another accomplished scribe, and you had me glued to the story. Entertaining use of a foreign location too.

Hey, nice short and you obviously know you're doing. Actually you know it big time.
But I do have something for it story wise - I'm all for changing Death to a human once the challenge is over. Death as a second personality tripped me and if I did not read the logline I'd have hard time with it.
Also seeing Death made it predictable - it came for John if it's there.
I think you have Death for his second personality just to meet the requirements.
But you'd be meeting them anyway - John is inTokyo after all, that's a strange land.

Anyway, it's a great read anyways, thanks. The prose is a bit too much, too poetic but you fine writers keep doing that... what a headache

I had a very detailed post here, but somehow, it got wiped out.

I stopped on page 4, as the writing style was way too irritating for me - way too dense, overly descriptive, bolded CAPPED words and phrases, typos, missing punctuation, overly long compound sentences with different tenses, just not working.

As for the theme, you have an American character in a foreign land, Tokyo, but this has absolutely nothing to do with the story (Yes, I did skim to the end, so I know this to be true).  Seems like nothing more than an assassin talking to himself, or talking with Death, itself - either way, the theme is not met here at all, IMO.

NO GRADE

Jesus, something very strange is about to happen...I'm basically going to agree with everything Jeff said, apart from the out on page 4 bit, I went through it all.

Hey writer,

Sorry to say it, but I just didn't get the fish out of water element here, really went past me.

On the formatting of the piece, the strange thing is that it's largely formatted correctly, so I don't get where the BOLD text came from, but that was really annoying. Also, some scripts in this challenge seem to have long, sweeping descriptions, and others massive sections of running dialogues, very few in between. This had the latter, and it hampered it as it just went on and on with the talky talky stuff, and there were few breaks to reign in the pace, or just to make it an easier read.

Not for me I'm afraid,

Well done on entering.

Cam

Dream

Let me start off by saying this was an okay script. I like the idea of personifying death and the premise is interesting, though the logline doesn't give it its credit. The fish out of water element is certainly there if you look hard enough but is not fully exhibited.

But unfortunately, there are far more negatives than postives in this script.

For starters, never forget to be kind to your reader. Some of the action lines are way too clunky to be perceived in our imagination and some simple sentences are stretched out long enough to be boring. I also learned this the hard way a while back, but lay off the caps. Most readers will put your stuff down seeing too many bold words.

But other than that, the read is a little bit bland and the ending was underwritten with too much clarity.

I still wish the best for you in the world of screenwriting.

Good news: I really liked the story and dialogue between John and death. A good struggle played out.

Bad news: Way overwritten action and a lot of-ings. Not sure I can convince myself that it meets the challenge.

I always enjoy reading other writers take on Death. Good effort!

The opening is over-written - all you really need to say is that it's Tokyo rather than describing the tower and the city especially since they have no real bearing on the story - i.e., it could have taken place anywhere.

I really liked the John/Devil dialogue - well crafted and clever. The piece that I didn't like is when the devil is referencing what a strange land this is - like you knew you were stretching the boundaries so better announce it right here. Not a real big deal other than it took me out of what was pretty good repartee between your characters up to that point.

Overall, not a bad effort - the dialogue carried the day

I was torn whether to continue reading after seeing the Tokyo setting as even though hundreds of chars aren't technically visible,  they would be still in cars, office buildings etc all around the scene; no different really to driving down the busy city street.

But I kept on. Unfortunately I'd just read the clown one and hearing Death again as a char sort of annoyed me!! LOL

Look, very well written but it was a bit convoluted for my liking and i ended up skimming to the end.

Whew. You know what stood out to me the most and effectively distracted me from the story before I had to look past it? The bold faced stuff. Is this a screenwriting program, or did you opt to do that on your own? And another thing: it's = contraction of it is. its = possessive. jobs = plural for job. job's = contraction of job and is. Bad grammar is also distracting. I don't usually harp on format. Storytelling is harder than formatting which is monkey work, but dang, the bold faced stuff really took me out of it.

Additionally, it's hard to read. It's easy to spot a decent screenplay because it flows from one page to the next. Even poorly written ones move so quick you wonder what happened. This one reads slow because you're trying to write a novel here.

Ok, from a parameter perspective, do you have your person out of their element? I think I can see what you were going for. The assassin in his element kills and moves on. The assassin who knows his target is suddenly out of it ... ? I don't know. The internal struggle was made external by this comical death character who basically stole all the tension from the entire thing by acting like the Genie from Aladdin. The story itself was basic enough and has been told before where the assassin can't complete the mission because of some outstanding factor, but does that outstanding factor make him a fish out of water? Is he out of his element? Is he a stranger in a strange land?

Or maybe we have something more direct. It takes place in Japan and the guy isn't Japanese. Yeah, there we go. He's a guy in a foreign land. Ok, I read too much into these sometimes.

In the end, you have something that seems like it should be a drama, but ends up being a comedy until it isn't. The death dialogue (i.e. the whole thing) marred what you were going for. Yes, it is hard on screen to present an internal conflict because you don't want an endless voiceover monologue, but the way you did this didn't work.

And for the love of God, learn its vs it's.

Dolla dolla bill y'all...

Haha. Daughter of Tuesday?

The second half is good fun. The first half is a LONG time with our characters sitting in one place talking. I guess it all depends how entertaining Death is to watch.

This is a great premise for a character that could easily be at the centre of a feature (Mr. Brooks meets The Frighteners meets Ghost in the Shell?). The other problem I had with the short here was that Death just sorta blurts out the main complication in the script, and I wasn't sure of his motivation for doing so -- unless it is a Mr. Brooks style thing where the Death figure knows some things that the main character represses. But, seriously -- I'd throw this premise in a feature. It's cool.

At first, I was reminded of Pratchett's Death character and actually enjoyed him the most. However, this was meant to be a thriller, not a comic fantasy.

Written well but I don't understand why Death mentioned the fact it was an old friend's daughter in the first place. It would have been better to tell him after he'd done it, but then you probably wouldn't have a story. It doesn't work for me because of that.

This should have been very good. With a rewrite, and outside of the OWC, it could be great.

The beginning is way over-written, and I knew there would be trouble right from line 1: "TOKYO JAPAN, one of the most densely populated cites in the world, apparent by the never ending pillars of concrete structures dominating the expansive landscape." Can't film it, doesn't have anything to do with the story, so why is it there?

The dialogue is excellent. I had fun reading it. I would read more of John and Death. I'd love to see a comic about that. But that isn't the story. Instead, we're treated to the climax of something bigger and you don't even commit to the ending. Do you love this character so much that you had to leave the ending open for him to live?

It's not a stranger in a strange land at all, despite Death assuring us it is. I don't think there is anywhere John would be a fish out of water. Maybe at a Taylor Swift concert without a gun.

The writing is strong, it just missed the mark in most respects. Too bad, it has great potential. Thanks for entering it, John will stick with me.

Death is a bitch... Well that was a great story and very very well written.  You might be a professional writer I don't know.  Your description of action is awesome.  (I'm jealous) Your dialog was superb.  

Best script I have read so far.

Great job whoever you are.

This didn't work for me for a number of reasons.
1.  Way too descriptive.  It's a screenplay, not a novel or even a short story.

2.  If Death is only in his subconscious, then why does it have info that the main doesn't?

3.  There was no stranger in a strange land or fish out of water.  You might say that he's saving a life instead of taking one, but. he's sparing her instead and letting someone else do the job.

It's an interesting story outside of the OWC.

But, it doesn't work in the OWC, sadly.

Dan

"TOKYO JAPAN, one of the most densely populated cites in the world, apparent by the never ending pillars of concrete structures dominating the expansive landscape." Why the little history lesson thrown in about population? Cut it.  

Since you get one chance to make a first impression I will say the first page isn't working for me. I can tell you have some very specific ideas and visualizations in mind, however I don't know if it was conveyed clearly enough because it is overwritten. Do we really need to know the golden flame is tadpole shaped or that it blows in a northwest wind? I could care less what the Beer Tower looks like as well. Keep it simple and straight forward. If a detail doesn't advance the story there is no need for it. I will wait and see if the wind or shape of the flame comes into play later.

2nd OWC script with Death as a character. guy is popular for sure.

Page 3 and you have already described the gun 4 different way by my count. The .50 Cal, the Barrett M107, and  "stares blankly through a Nightforce Optics rifle scope, a long barrel protrudes into the night air, it’s fluted tip exposes the impressive diameter of the barrel." Settle on 1 description and stick to it.

2nd OWC where Death doesn't really act like Death. It's fine, just an observation.

Nice twist with the killer knowing the victim. Shame the constraints of the OWC limited how you could convey it. A flashback would work well here instead of Death just throwing out some rushed exposition. Still, I think this could be handled a better way. Maybe John gets a glimpse of her face in the scope and senses something familiar. Death, being all knowing, knows who she is but won't spill the beans. At least not at first.

When did Death get a scythe? Did it just materialize out of thin air or has he always had it?

"I don’t want to, I love you John, how many people wish they could merely glimpse their god, I get to have conversations with mine." Kinda weird that Death loves him but the god line I really liked.

However the "Death threats" go on too long. Do it or don't. Treading water with threats is stalling you out.

Not a bad story. It is overwritten in places but it's a simple moral tale told in a interesting way. I'm not so sure why Death is so intent on having John kill the girl. I can't imagine it's hard finding people to kill in his line of work. The bit about Japanese culture is shoehorned in for the challenge and could all be cut in a rewrite or expanded on to beef up the story.

Well done. The fuju dialogue was good, coming from Death and all.

I think on page one you should identify Voice O.S as Death right then and there.

I think this was a good script, but I don't think it meets the parameters of the challenge.

Sandra

I liked the concept and it's well executed. The only critique I have is a practical one: pellet guns are about all you can find in Japan, so getting a giant sniper rifle into the country is about impossible unless you have the CIA helping you.

First, let me say that both the narration and the dialogue are superbly written (other than the it's vs. its). It's not overwriting when a talented writer can give a script some visual pizzazz.

The issue I have here is that I don't care about any of the characters. In the end, you have a hit man killing himself. One I didn't get to know. Granted, I can't get to know him, or feel his conflict, within the confines of the contest. So in essence you have a teaser for a larger exploration in a feature film here.

Absolutely did not fit the challenge, as Tokyo as a location does not a stranger in a strange land make.

So I thought the start of this was over written, though I did like the Asahi building, nice touch and decent beer!

But then it settled down and there was some solid banter between John and Death, liked that... but the victim just seemed irrelevant.

John certainly didn't seem like a fish out of water, but I could make an argument for Death being out of his comfort zone... so maybe it does meet the criteria.

Anyway, I liked large parts of this.

The opening of the script is overwritten. I didn't need an entire description of the Tokyo skyline (you write "Tokyo Skyline" in the header, then "Tokyo, Japan" in the next line.) you mention that the Asasi Tower is  a black building  - twice. In the same narrative block. It's also 'strange' twice.

The main character's name is John Reaper. At first I didn't think anything of it, but then when he speaks he's credited as John. And the person he has the conversation with is the Angel Of Death.  > > >

Who comes (or, in your words, came) twice! And I just landed on page two.
Then..Death comes to life.


I'm done. Over and definitively out.